0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Wheels on fire
0:00:04 > 0:00:10# Rolling down the road
0:00:10 > 0:00:15# Best notify my next of kin
0:00:15 > 0:00:22# This wheel shall explode. #
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Hello.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Hello, hello. Are you open?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50I've got an appointment.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Stella!
0:01:09 > 0:01:13- Oh, God!- Any luck?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16I think she just must have really weird opening times or something
0:01:16 > 0:01:18in her shop, you know.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Oh, yes, that'll be it.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25I mean, there's designers would kill to have me wearing their clothes.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27I mean, I have put on a couple of pounds
0:01:27 > 0:01:30but there's fatter women than me out there wearing Stella.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Of course there are.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Stop it! Stop it!
0:01:35 > 0:01:37There must be someone still thinks I'm happening.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41There is that one that's always on the phone.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42- What?- Begging, begging.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45"Oh, please, please."
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Who? Why don't you ever tell me these things?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50You know, little drunken pirate.
0:01:50 > 0:01:55"All ugly people go to hell. Go to hell and die."
0:01:55 > 0:01:57John Galliano?
0:01:57 > 0:01:58Yes.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Darling, that would be fashion death.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04I don't think even Schindler could rescue me from that faux pas.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07No, darling, go and make more phone calls, more phone calls.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Call Stella's people again.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Oh, God. Laundry in basement.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23There's some old pants under my bed that need moving.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Mum!
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I thought you were still in Africa.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31I just got back.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35Oh, sweetheart. Look at you. Ooh!
0:02:36 > 0:02:40You and... Darling, sweetheart...
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Darling, it's just you.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Where's my little granddaughter, Lola?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Where is she, darling? Where is she?
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Mum, Jane is seven now. She's not going to be inside a biscuit.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Well, darling, where is she?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57She lives in Africa.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Oh, lives in Africa! How am I supposed to see her, darling?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Take out a court order?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04You could just get on a plane. I'm not stopping you.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05I think you are.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10So, I'm just stuck with you am I, now?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12For six months of the year, yes.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Oh, God!
0:03:13 > 0:03:18After all the time I've kept you alive, darling, with food, with money.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19This is the thanks I get, is it?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Yes.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23All right.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Mum, this place is a mess.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Yeah, but it's all biodegrading, darling, isn't it?
0:03:31 > 0:03:32It's eco, sweetheart.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35You let it go down to nothing and then use it as shampoo or something.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37I read that. I read that.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Well, it's disgusting. Have you been eating in?
0:03:41 > 0:03:45No, darling. There wasn't any food in and yet somehow today man comes with food.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51I did a Waitrose order before I left Nigeria.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Oh. It's good being global, innit, darling.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56It has its uses, global.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Is this all your filth?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00No, Patsy's living...
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Oh!
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Yeah, oh! Oh, I'm sorry I've got a friend.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I'm sorry I'm not a little hermit crab living in a small shell under the sea.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I'm sorry.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12What's all this Mother Africa?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15What's all that? Hey?
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- Well, Jane and John and...- Lola.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21..and the other wives...
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Sss, wivesss, is it?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27..gave me a big send-off.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28I bet they did.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34And this is traditional costume.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Oh, right.
0:04:35 > 0:04:41So John me old Mufasa and his ten wives gave you a bit of an hakuna matata, did they, darling?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44He only has nine wives, Mum.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Oh, what did he do, melt one down for glue, trade it in for a goat?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50You are so ignorant.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Yeah, and proud of it.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Anyway, they've succeeded where I've failed all these years.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Look at you! Colour, colour!
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- Where are you going? - I'm going to change.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04No, darling, no, darling. Stay here. I want to take a picture of you in colour.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07I love it, I love it, I love it. Hang on. I'll get my camera.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Eddy?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Ed. Ed, darling.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Did you get my Tena Lady pants, darling?
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Because it's just that I find I'm, you know, I'm needing them
0:05:20 > 0:05:22more and more nowadays, darling.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25I'm not completely secure when I sneeze, you know what I mean?
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Ahhhh!
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Incontinence pants?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- Oh! I will kill you. - No, don't kill her!
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Don't kill her. Don't' kill her until I've taken a picture.
0:05:36 > 0:05:42Here we go. Ah, in colour, yes, for my Facebook. Here we go. Ha ha!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Any way, what are you two doing here?
0:05:44 > 0:05:45We live here.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Yes, but I thought you were getting out of London for the Olympics.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53No, darling, I rented my house to Michael Douglas.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- Michael Douglas, Eddy? - Don't you remember Michael Douglas?
0:05:56 > 0:05:57- Michael Douglas? - Michael Douglas?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Yes, Michael Douglas you little budgerigar, Michael Douglas.
0:06:00 > 0:06:06What the one that looks like an old tortoise who's married to Catherine Zeta Jones?
0:06:06 > 0:06:07Is he going to bring Catherine with him?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09She'd rather cramp his style.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10PATSY AND EDINA LAUGH
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Your style, you mean.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15No. If Catherine comes, she won't be in London long.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17She'll be off to the Mumbles, won't she?
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Any way, darling, before he comes, we're going to have a full top-to-tail renovation.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24We're going to have the Grand Designs of makeovers.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27We're going to be exfoliated, augmented, liposuctioned,
0:06:27 > 0:06:28lasered and lifted, darling.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32I'll be wearing my buttocks as a head dress by the time he arrives.
0:06:32 > 0:06:37And I'm going to have just a little tightening procedure.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Won't he have come to watch the Olympics?
0:06:40 > 0:06:41(MOCKING) Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, Olympics?
0:06:41 > 0:06:46No, darling! He's a player, but a player of a very different kind.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49He's be our ticket to all the clubs in London, isn't he, darling?
0:06:49 > 0:06:50He is Hollywood royalty, sweetheart.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Well, you better hurry up, because it starts this week.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55What?
0:06:55 > 0:06:56The Olympics.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58What?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03No! Darling, did you know it started this week?
0:07:03 > 0:07:07- What?- The, the, the, the running, the Olympics.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Where?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Oh, my God, how can you have missed it?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Even coming from the airport, it's everywhere.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Darling, it's been everywhere for five bloody years, hasn't it?
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Will we, won't we? Will it be built, won't it be built?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Will we win? No, we won't.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Darling, excuse me if I missed it actually started.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28It's been like tinnitus!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I am Spartacus.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Oh, God, Eddy - a talking sperm.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39He's on his way.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- What? What, who, what?- Spartacus.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Spartacus. What's... (GASPS) Michael Douglas?
0:07:46 > 0:07:47He wasn't Spartacus.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49No, I am Spartacus.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- I am Spartacus! I am Spartacus! - Stop it.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54He comes.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57What, he's on his way from America?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59No, from the airport.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02No! No, no, no, no!
0:08:02 > 0:08:04I was going to be thin. Oh, God!
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Quick, get the Hoover, give me lipo, get a knife, slice off the fat.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12You can't be here, darling. you can't be here, sweetheart.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Oh, yes, you can if you serve. Be staff, be staff.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Serve, sweetheart, and none of your lip, all right?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- Come on, Pats, we've got to get ready.- Yes, but Eddy,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- I need a little bit of a tidy up. - I've got a razor upstairs.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26No, darling, I mean a real, you know, sort of clipping, you know.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28- I need scissors.- All right, sweetheart. I've got scissors.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30You're disgusting.
0:08:30 > 0:08:36Oh, it comes to us all, you know, darling. The swinging saloon doors.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38What are you dressed as?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41I represent a shattered Olympic dream.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44SHE DOES AFRICAN CHANT
0:08:45 > 0:08:47SHE ULULATES
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Sweetheart, sweetheart, look, darling,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03I've got a few sexy bits and pieces. What do you think?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05It's for Michael. For Michael.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Is he into that sort of thing?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08No, I'd be wearing it, I'd be wearing it.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- Oh, no, Eddy, no.- No? No, oh.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I'll just leave them about the house, give him a thrill.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14PATSY LAUGHS
0:09:15 > 0:09:20Oh, darling. Bloody hell, that's strong, sweetheart, isn't it?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23I can't see if I'm making up a pore or a nostril. What's that?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- Oh, it's a nostril.- Eddy, Eddy, darling, darling, darling.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28How do I look? How do I look, Eddy?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I can... I think I can see a panty line.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- But Eddy.- What?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- I'm not wearing any pants.- Oh!
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- Oh, no!- No, no!
0:09:36 > 0:09:38It's just folds of old skin, it must be.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41No, no! Oh, Eddy!
0:09:41 > 0:09:43- It'll be all right, darling. Darling?- Yeah?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Darling, wear my control body. Wear my control body,
0:09:46 > 0:09:51my elasticated control body. Come on, it's for Michael, it's for Michael.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54We're going to be hitting the town, darling, aren't we?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Oh, yeah.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59I mean, darling, you know, there's spank DJs out there
0:09:59 > 0:10:01I haven't even danced to yet.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Honey Dijon is killing it. I haven't even lived it.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05- And Narcissister, darling. - What's that, darling?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Well, she's a kind of crazy disco performance artist.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11She pulls things out of her pussy on a rotating platform singing I'm Every Woman.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14He'll love that, won't he? He'll love that. Yeah.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Oh, yeah, there's so much stuff that's happening and going
0:10:17 > 0:10:20and fierce and major out there and we're going to be there.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22But those clubs won't have us any more.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Well, they will if Michael is with us, won't they, sweetheart?
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Eddy, can't we just go to Shoreditch House, sit on a little sofa,
0:10:29 > 0:10:33get in a few drinks, smooch a little waiter, see who's there.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- Lovely.- No, no, no!
0:10:35 > 0:10:39I will not let doors close on me yet, darling. I won't. Come on.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41We're going to party and show him a good time.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- Yeah.- Come on, let's get into these. - OK, yeah.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- Pop your foot in.- Pop in. - Pop your foot in.- Pop in.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Pop your little foot in. Now jump, jump, jump, jump.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- You want to jump?- You jump!
0:10:51 > 0:10:56- Well, look at you, dear. - Oh, hello, Gran.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- Do you like it?- Oh, yes!
0:10:59 > 0:11:02I once had a table cloth like that.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Is that what all those others are wearing out there in the, er...
0:11:07 > 0:11:09The, you know, hm-hm, hm-hm...
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Harem?
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Oh, it's not really a harem, Gran.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20I feel very special when I'm with his other wives.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Good.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Erm, how is little Jane?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Oh, she's very nice and she's quite grown up.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31She's not so little any more. I've got a picture.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Oh, she's beautiful, dear.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Definitely yours?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Yes.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Anyway, we've decided that I'm going to spend three months here
0:11:44 > 0:11:49then three months over there because I've got such a lot of important work with the various charities.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51And I don't want Lola...
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Jane to have to keep changing schools.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Oh, no, no.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59It, erm... It gets very hot out there, doesn't it, dear?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01- Yes, it does.- Mm.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05And the bathroom facilities?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Squat and hope it doesn't hit your shoes?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Yes, it's a bit splattery.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19Well, I understand why you've come back, dear.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- You and I like our comforts, don't we?- Mm.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24And Jane is very happy.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- Are you going to be watching the Olympics?- Oh, yes.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28It's one of the reasons I came home.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31I want to watch it on the telly here because the coverage will be so much better.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- Will you?- Oh, yes.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37I shall be waving a flag for the BLTs.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39You mean Team GB.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Oh, the gays and bisexuals, dear?
0:12:43 > 0:12:47I thought they had their own games.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Come on, darling, come on, come on, come on. Step, step, step, step.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54This, it's very, sort of, tight.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57It's tight cos you're looking fabulous! Now stand, stand, stand.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- Stand, go on.- Waaay! Oh!
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- Come on, sweetheart.- It'll be all right.- Come on, darling.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Where's Bubble? Darling, go and get Saffy to bring up a tray of drinks for Michael Douglas.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08What does he drink?
0:13:08 > 0:13:13- He's an alcoholic, isn't he? I mean...- So?- Everything! Everything!
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Come on. Come, come, come, come.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Are you going to sit here, sweetheart. Just...
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- Visible panty line?- No, darling, nothing, nothing. You're a tube.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- You're just a tube.- It's not very easy, darling.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27There you are, darling. You sit down.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29PATSY SNEEZES
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Darling, which end sneezed then?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- Both ends, Eddy.- Oh, God.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Just stay sitting. Oh, the door! Oh, my God!
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Clear, clear, clear! I'm getting the door!
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Oh, Michael's at my door.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51(GIGGLES) Michael!
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Hi, hi, hi. It's us!
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Hello!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01You stay back. I'm going to make sure it's safe.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- Hello!- Oh, my God!
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Whoopi?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07No, it's me.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- Queen Latifah?- No!
0:14:09 > 0:14:13- It's me!- Oh, it's you! Of course it's you.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Then it's safe, Marshall. Come on.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16What are you doing here? You can't be here.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- We've got Michael Douglas coming. - Oh, no, no.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22- He's not coming. He gave Marshall his trip.- What?
0:14:22 > 0:14:23- I've been his caddy.- Oh!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Michael, Catherine...
0:14:25 > 0:14:27No, it's not them! It's not them, darling.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33What are you doing here?
0:14:33 > 0:14:37- Well, Marshall caught sex addiction from Michael Douglas.- Oh!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39So I got him on a programme.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Really?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- Oh, you have nothing to worry about.- Oh, I don't care.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45You definitely have nothing to worry about.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- OK, thank you. - I don't have sex addiction, Bo.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Do you hear that trickling sound, Marshall.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Yeah, that's a little river we call denial.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- Would you like a cup of tea? - No, no, no!
0:14:56 > 0:15:01Get out, get out! Why does nothing work for me any more?
0:15:01 > 0:15:02I don't want you here.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I don't want you, I don't want you, I don't want you.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Why are you here and why are you so old? Mmm?
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Have I been in a coma and just woken up? Look at me!
0:15:12 > 0:15:13I mean, honestly!
0:15:17 > 0:15:21I'm not a cup of tea, I'm a party girl!
0:15:21 > 0:15:24I've still got it. I'm still going, I'm still alive.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Come on, Pats, we're still alive!
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Still alive. I'm still alive. Come on, Pats.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Because we are still party girls.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36God, why isn't there a pill to make people disappear? Come on, come on.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Pats, Pats. Pats. Pats.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Mum, stop it.
0:15:41 > 0:15:46- She's not breathing. - Breathe, breathe, Pats. Come on.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Oh, my God, what is she wearing?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52That's just my control body. Just my control...
0:15:52 > 0:15:54- Well, it's suffocating her.- No!
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Crushing what organs she has left.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59- Do something!- Go and get me some scissors.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- Let me help.- Don't you get near that woman's crotch
0:16:02 > 0:16:05or I'll twist your little head off.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- Come on! - Mum, she hasn't got a pulse.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11She doesn't have a pulse, darling. She's never had a pulse.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- Get out of the way, I'll do CPR. - Oh, God!
0:16:13 > 0:16:14Ah!
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Uh!
0:16:17 > 0:16:22- Michael, Catherine....- No, no, no, it's not them, darling.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- So how are you both? - We're fine.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28We are not fine. Marshall.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Now keep your hands where I can see them.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34I had to get him out of that depraved environment,
0:16:34 > 0:16:37that crazy golf scene with Michael Douglas.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39I was his caddy.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Oh, yes, anything for Michael.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46Always looking for Michael's golf balls in the rough at night clubs.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48"Oh, I'm just looking for Michael's golf ball,
0:16:48 > 0:16:51"that's why I have my hand up this woman's vagina."
0:16:51 > 0:16:53That didn't happen!
0:16:53 > 0:16:57It happened. It happened, Marshall. Oh, and the golf parties.
0:16:57 > 0:17:02Naked women spread eagle on the floor for putting practice.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06And you get an Indonesian one and she pops the ball BACK to you.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Isn't that right?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Did you ever get a hole in one, Marshall?
0:17:10 > 0:17:14- He's a sex fiend. - Bo, you're having a bad menopause.
0:17:14 > 0:17:19Saffy, all I want is a normal amount of sex.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Shall we talk about something else?
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Oh, no. When there's something like this that's got its grip on you,
0:17:24 > 0:17:25it's hard to let go.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Yeah, when you dance with a gorilla, the gorilla leads.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Oh, and you are the gorilla?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39No, I'm not the gorilla. Don't you people know about addiction?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- She's got me on the 12 Steps.- Yeah.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44And it's a staircase, not an escalator.
0:17:44 > 0:17:49You've got to work at it. You've got some stinking thinking, mister.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Oh, why don't we have a meeting?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53I've got to go upstairs. Will you be all right, Gran?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Oh, yes, fine, dear. I shall plug into my iTunes.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59She can stay in the meeting with us. OK, everybody ready?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01All right, let's convene.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05Oh, who do we have here? "Hello, I'm Susan."
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Well, hello, Susan and welcome. "And I'm an alcoholic."
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Susan, you're in the wrong meeting! This is sex addiction!
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Isn't that funny? She wandered in. "I'm an alcoholic."
0:18:17 > 0:18:20You're in the wrong... Go!
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- Funny. Isn't it funny?- Oh...
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Another shattered dream?
0:18:31 > 0:18:32How dare you!
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Still very much alive.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- You all right now? - Yeah, darling, fine.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Just waiting for a little kidney to get back into place.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50It just feels like the world's closing up on me, darling.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54There's so much new stuff happening out there and...
0:18:54 > 0:18:56I just can't keep up.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- Do you mind, Eddy?- What? - I mean, do you mind?
0:18:58 > 0:19:03I know what you're feeling, darling, but really, I just don't even care.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Oh, I suppose there is a certain numbness. Yes.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- I'm quite glad the old gecko didn't show.- Are you?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Yeah.- Yeah, yeah. Cheers. Yeah.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14You all right?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- Yes.- Yes!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21PATSY HICCUPS
0:19:22 > 0:19:27- Mum?- Mm?- I want you to listen. - Oh, God, here we go.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30I don't understand why you're so desperate.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Because it feels like the whole world of doors is closing on me.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Closing, closing, closing.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Of course, but you're blind to the doors that are opening up to you.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Oh, oh, oh. You mean age appropriate doors, darling,
0:19:42 > 0:19:43is that what you're talking about?
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Well, let me tell you, where I want to be doesn't seem to want me.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Oh, for God's sake.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52One of the biggest events ever in the history of London is taking place on your doorstep.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Why have you not taken an interest?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Cher is at the O2?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- The Olympics!- Oh, no, Eddy.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Not bloody sport, darling.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Remember sport in school?
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Just big blue pants and blotchy legs and a very tight aertex shirt.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13And huge teenage knockers just wobbling, wobbling.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16200 metres, blob, blob, blob, blob.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Hurdles.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Hurdles, hurdles, hurdles! Ow!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Are you blaming the games kit?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Yes, what's your excuse?
0:20:25 > 0:20:29I was very good at games, you just never came to my sports days.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31That's not true. I remember the eggyspoony race.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Yes, and you ate the egg.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37- And she...- Yeah I, I shagged the gym master on the long jump pitch.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41You see, darling, we were there, we were there.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44What are you going to do, just sit in here and fester?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- Oh, piss off!- Piss off.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Fine.
0:20:53 > 0:20:59But let me tell you, next time, it might be a case of "Do not revive" on your sad old corpse.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02Urgh!
0:21:04 > 0:21:09OK, Mama! Mama! Mama, you got something to share?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12I'm watching an old Homes Under the Hammer, dear.
0:21:12 > 0:21:17Listen, Bo, I don't have sex addiction. You have menopause.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22Why can't you see that having menopause is a natural part of being a woman?
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Why can't you see that being stupid is a natural part of being a man?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I still have hormones.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32Yeah, my ovaries are popping around in there like a pinball machine.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Oh, there goes an egg.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Bo, you're bitchy and sweaty and sleepy and grumpy.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Oh, Marshall, what are those, the menopause dwarves?
0:21:40 > 0:21:45OK. That's it. I'm going out. I need some air.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Oh, look who thinks he's God. Well, you know what,
0:21:47 > 0:21:49if God were small enough to understand,
0:21:49 > 0:21:51I wouldn't be big enough to be God.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- You're not God, Bo. - No, but I'm bigger than you.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Don't go up those stairs. Do not go up those stairs. Do not go up.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Do not go up those stairs!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- Stop running with those little legs! - I'm going out, Bo.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06We have all these Michael Douglas invites,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08and God damn it, I'm going to use them.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Wait for me, my wild mustang. Somebody get me my lasso!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18LAUGHTER
0:22:20 > 0:22:23APPLAUSE
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Oh, Michael Douglas, plus one.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35- What's that for?- Ugh!
0:22:35 > 0:22:37It's an invite, darling. Can't tell what it's for,
0:22:37 > 0:22:40something gone wrong with their graphics or something.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Mum, that's the Olympics logo.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Is it?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- Oh, oh.- Why don't you go? It's a door.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52It's not a door. Will you stop going on about the doors?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- All right, it's a party. - It's a par..
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- Oh!- And there's champagne.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Champagne.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59SHE "RETCHES"
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Pats...
0:23:03 > 0:23:06# This wheel shall explode! #
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Darling, it's for SPARTS. I told you.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Not those bloody elasticated pants.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14No darling, no darling. SPARTS. Sports and Arts.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16It's for the Olympics.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Oh, thank you.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- Hello, can I introduce you to someone?- If you must.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23- Dame Kelly Holmes.- Nice to meet you.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- Double Olympic champion, of course. - Dame, is it?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28- Yes, that's right.- What's that for?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- Well...- A bit of running, was it? - That's right. Lots of running.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Will you be doing the running in this running races, the Olympics?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37No, I've actually retired now, so, erm... Yeah.
0:23:37 > 0:23:42I've lost Marshall. I walk away for two seconds and he's gone.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44The little Casanova.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Marshall?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Lots and lots of it...
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Marshall!
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- Don't make a scene, Bo.- Who is this?
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Who is this? Who is THIS? This is his wife!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Well, we were only talking.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Bo, this is Tanni.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Tanni, Tanni.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Satan be thy name.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Why don't you take a dagger and thrust it into my heart?
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Tanni. Cute name for the devil.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17- Tanni, can I help? - Yeah, I'm going to mingle.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Don't let them follow me.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20I've got your back.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25So, Mark, you're an athlete. What's your distance?
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Do you do sort of long and slow or short, powerful bursts?
0:24:29 > 0:24:30I'm a sprinter.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36- Darling, he's blind.- Yeah. Suits me, darling, that's lucky.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Ladies and gentlemen, in a minute there will be some speeches
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- from the Head of the Arts Council. - Let's go, Eddy.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43We don't want any speeches.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45And Miss Stella McCartney.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Stella?!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Who designed the uniforms and kit for the British team.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Stella games kit?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Darling, if I'd had a Stella games kit,
0:24:54 > 0:24:56I would have become a runner, wouldn't I?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58I could wear Stella. Stella!
0:25:01 > 0:25:03I'm going over there to clear it up once and for all.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05If she knew me, she would love me.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Oh, if you do go up to her, remember you're a somebody.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Do it with dignity, Eds, and don't take any nonsense from her.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Oh... Stella!
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Stella, Stella. Stella, Stella.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Stella, Stella, Stella.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Stella, why don't you love me?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22I don't know you.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24But I would look great in your clothes, wouldn't I?
0:25:24 > 0:25:26I'm not... I don't think so.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28- Stella, Stella.- Don't touch me.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29- Patsy knows your dad, sweetheart. - Oh.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33Well, I had him once in a small cupboard back stage in Hamburg.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36I think it was him. It was one of the four. Might've been Yoko Ono.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39This is Mark. He likes us.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41He's blind.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43But darling, blind is the new black.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Sorry, you're going to have to leave.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49- Oh, oh. Steady, steady.- What? What?
0:25:49 > 0:25:50What? What?
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Sorry about that, Stella.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55She's been a nightmare. She has been stalking me.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Eddy, they really upset you. Get up there, get up there.
0:26:02 > 0:26:07Last time I ever...be like that, being nice to people.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Darling, I don't think we came in this way.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17We came out of these doors.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31It's empty.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34That's because no-one could get tickets, isn't it, darling?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Wow!
0:26:39 > 0:26:40ROUSING SPORTS THEME
0:27:01 > 0:27:03I actually want to stay!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05That's fine, thank you.
0:27:05 > 0:27:10You're discouraging me from taking up sport.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Thank you very much, thank you very much.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29- This is nice, dear. - Yes, Gran.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Marshall, we can watch the opening ceremonies,
0:27:31 > 0:27:34but if I see one body part twitch, I'm tightening the straps.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Leave it, Bo.
0:27:36 > 0:27:41Oh, God, what's happening, what's happening? What's happening?
0:27:41 > 0:27:43The opening ceremony is just about to start.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Oh, Eddy, look. Oh, Eddy, look, we were there.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49That's where we were, the stripey bit. We were there, darling.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Opening ceremony. Right, let's take bets.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Elton John at the piano, Candle in the Wind.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Toupee eight foot above his head. What's the bet?
0:27:55 > 0:27:59Marching band. (BOOMING VOICE) Brian Blessed saying something smaaa...
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Sad old London buses and break dancers. Yes, come on.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04Gran, what are these?
0:28:04 > 0:28:07Oh, they're the tickets, dear.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11But I don't really see why anyone would want to actually be there
0:28:11 > 0:28:14when they can watch it in comfort on the good old Auntie Beeb.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Yes, and there's Clare Balding.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Is she dear? Oh!
0:28:21 > 0:28:23ROUSING SPORTS THEME
0:28:44 > 0:28:47# Wheels on fire
0:28:47 > 0:28:52# Rollin' down the road
0:28:52 > 0:28:57# Best notify my next of kin
0:28:57 > 0:29:02# This wheel shall explode! #
0:29:07 > 0:29:10Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd