0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# Make a date, don't be late cos you know it's going to be great
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# When the irrepressible Browns come to town
0:00:11 > 0:00:15# To begin, just tune in and you'll wear a new grin
0:00:15 > 0:00:21# Watching Agnus and he can act the clown
0:00:21 > 0:00:24# You're scared of feeling depressed
0:00:24 > 0:00:27# They'll have to make you feel best
0:00:27 > 0:00:29# So it's All Round To Mrs Brown's. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:35APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:35 > 0:00:41Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to All Round To Mrs Brown's.
0:00:41 > 0:00:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Thank you.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Stop it, now. Thank you so much. You're all so kind.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57Thank you very much.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Well, you're welcome to another Saturday night at my house.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01LAUGHTER
0:01:01 > 0:01:04I spend most of my Saturday nights here, now. Yeah.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- AUDIENCE:- Oh!- Oh, God, I wasn't like that when I was a younger girl.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Oh, God, no.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Oh, God, I went out every Saturday night and sowed me wild oats.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13LAUGHTER
0:01:13 > 0:01:17And then went to Mass on Sunday and prayed for a crop failure.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19LAUGHTER
0:01:19 > 0:01:23I met my husband, Redser, I met him at a Saturday night dance.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26I didn't like him at first. He tried to be so cool.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I used to get a cigarette and he was over like a flash
0:01:29 > 0:01:31and clicked his lighter.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33LAUGHTER
0:01:33 > 0:01:35He just went, "Bond, James Bond."
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I went... Off, Feck off!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Get well soon.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I'm not sick.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Any time I feel like I don't want to clean the house,
0:01:53 > 0:01:55I put these out in case anyone calls.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Oh, she's too sick to clean.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Yeah, yeah, where was I? Oh, Redser, yeah.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I'll never forget his last words.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06"Oh, fuck, it's a bus."
0:02:06 > 0:02:09LAUGHTER
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Yes.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18And all he left me was a litter of kids and this old fart.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24- I had him at the doctor today. AUDIENCE:- Oh!- What did he say?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26He said, "You're not going to make it."
0:02:26 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER
0:02:30 > 0:02:33There you go. And you're in for a great treat tonight.
0:02:33 > 0:02:38Now, Cath has been causing quite a stir with her video blog.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42She told me that she got 50,000 likes last week.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I thought she said licks. I nearly passed out.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46LAUGHTER
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Chef Aly has become quite a star with his continental accent
0:02:49 > 0:02:51and that twinkle in his eye.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Dermot and Buster are still trying to get their celebrity tours
0:02:55 > 0:02:57off the ground but the best of all is that there's you, the audience.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00You're going to be a huge part of this show.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Let's see if we've anybody interesting in tonight.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08LAUGHTER
0:03:09 > 0:03:11We've been taking notes.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17- Angus McDermott? Hello, how are you?- Hello.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20It tells me here that you've got a sheep farm.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Oh, she's telling him to stand up. Stand up.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26I've been chasing sheep for 50 years now.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29You've been chasing sheep for 50 years?!
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I can see why.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Do you have the dogs and do you do the whistling the dog and all that?
0:03:40 > 0:03:44- Yes...- I've got four dogs. Give me an example. Give me an example.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46How would you get a dog to turn right?
0:03:46 > 0:03:47HE WHISTLES
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- That puts the dog to the right. - I bet it does.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55And what was the dog to the left?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57HE DOES A WOLF WHISTLE
0:03:57 > 0:03:59LAUGHTER
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I bet you could make a U-turn.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Nice to meet you, nice to meet you.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07APPLAUSE
0:04:07 > 0:04:12- Winston Jefferson. Where's Winston Jefferson?- Hiya.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Now it says here that Winston is a male model.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Fronts a campaign called, Are You Getting Enough?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22LAUGHTER
0:04:22 > 0:04:24We have a photograph of you. Look at this.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Stand up, stand up.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- AUDIENCE:- Ooooh!
0:04:37 > 0:04:39You handsome bastard!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42LAUGHTER
0:04:42 > 0:04:45So, give me your best Blue Steel look.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Let me think. That gentleman, there, with no hair.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56You stand up and give us a Blue Steel look.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Let's try your Blue Steel look.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Winston, there's so much you could learn from him.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Lend him your cowboy hat.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- Where's Andy and Mary Millen?- Hi.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- Hi, how are you doing? - Good, thank you.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Stand up, both of you, because I want to see you. Look at them.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19- Now, you're an ABBA tribute act. - Yes.- Yes.- There's four in ABBA.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22LAUGHTER
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- The other two are at home. - Oh, do we have a picture of them?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Oh, look at that. From behind.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32So, are you getting much work? Getting a lot of work?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- Yes, pretty busy, uh-huh. - Uh-huh!
0:05:35 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER
0:05:37 > 0:05:40So, what's your favourite number to do? What's something you like doing?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Oh, I like a bit of Dancing Queen.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- Oh, would you mind giving us a bit of Dancing Queen?- Of course.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Ladies and gentlemen, what's it called?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49- Dancing Queen.- I know...
0:05:49 > 0:05:51LAUGHTER
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- What's the tribute act? - Oh, we're called FABBAlous.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03Ladies and gentlemen, singing Dancing Queen...
0:06:03 > 0:06:04FABBAlous.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08# You can dance you can jive
0:06:08 > 0:06:12# Having the time of your life
0:06:12 > 0:06:17# Ooh, see that girl watch that scene
0:06:17 > 0:06:19# Digging the Dancing Queen. #
0:06:19 > 0:06:21APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Mary, that was fantastic and I love it.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28You didn't open your mouth at all.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I can't get a word in edgeways.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Welcome to my world.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Do sit down, thank you very much. FABBAlous, ladies and gentlemen.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:44 > 0:06:46What time is it?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Maria was supposed to pick up the guests.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Well, one of them had to trade ages ago
0:06:52 > 0:06:54and bring him down to Wash And Blow.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55- Hi, Mrs Brown.- Hello, Maria.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- Hello, Mrs Brown.- This is Ross.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09CHEERING
0:07:15 > 0:07:20- You're popular.- Not at home, I'm not.- It's good to see you.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Maria, were you not supposed to bring him down to Wash And Blow?
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Nobody told me. I have to go.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26No, but you're supposed to bring him into Wash And Blow
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- and get him ready...- Lovely to see you, Ross.- Lovely to see you.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- Maria, Maria...- Bye, Mrs Brown. - Well, don't leave... Don't leave...
0:07:35 > 0:07:36LAUGHTER
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Now I know how Tiffany felt.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44LAUGHTER
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- Can I get you a cup of tea? - I would love a cup of tea.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53How do you take it?
0:07:53 > 0:07:54I like the water boiling,
0:07:54 > 0:07:58I like the teabag to be squeezed for about three seconds,
0:07:58 > 0:08:02then removed and then about 3mls of milk placed on the top.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04LAUGHTER
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Yeah, you're a bit confused.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I meant, do you want a cup or a buckin' mug?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10LAUGHTER
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I'll have a mug.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15APPLAUSE
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Motherfucking barista.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22So, Ross, it's lovely to see you. What's the latest travels?
0:08:22 > 0:08:26I've just come back from Israel/Palestine and before
0:08:26 > 0:08:31that, I was in Libya and Iraq, Syria, Mongolia, Mozambique,
0:08:31 > 0:08:35the Philippines and I got home for Christmas.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39You must be a barrel of laughs at a fuckin' party.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43LAUGHTER
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Hello, Rory, love.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- How are you, Mammy? - I'm good, I'm good.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53I thought this guest was supposed to drop into Wash And Blow ages ago
0:08:53 > 0:08:57and he hasn't turned yet. How are you? Argh!
0:08:57 > 0:09:00LAUGHTER
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Rory, Rory, this is Ross.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- Hi, Rory.- Oh, hello, how are you?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10I'm great.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Cathy says I have to touch up.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17Rory, Rory.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21You're like a battery with jump leads on.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Rory, you have to take Ross down and get him ready for the make-up,
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- all right? Good luck, see you later on, Ross.- See you later, Mrs Brown.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- Ross Kemp, ladies and gentlemen. - See ya.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33APPLAUSE
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Rory!
0:09:38 > 0:09:41You're supposed to bring him down to Wash And Blow.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43I don't know what you're going to blow.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45LAUGHTER
0:09:45 > 0:09:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Hello, Winnie.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Well, if that was one of Rory's clients,
0:10:00 > 0:10:02I think he took a bit too much off the top.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04MRS BROWN LAUGHS
0:10:04 > 0:10:08No, it's one of Cathy's guests for her video blog. Ross Kemp.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10- Oh.- Yeah, he was born like that.- Ah.
0:10:12 > 0:10:18- Well, I just popped over to ask you a quick question.- OK. What is it?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- What's vertigo?- Vertigo?- Yeah.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23I think it's how you ask for directions in Germany.
0:10:25 > 0:10:30- Why, what about it?- Well, Dr Flynn thinks I could be suffering from it.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31I mean, sometimes during the day,
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Agnes, I forget everything and I don't know where I am.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Sure, that's you most of the feckin' time.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39THEY LAUGH
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I just popped over to ask you a quick question.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- Jesus, Winnie, are you all right? - Ha-ha! Got you!
0:10:50 > 0:10:51APPLAUSE
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Bitch!
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Get out of here, get out!
0:10:55 > 0:10:57APPLAUSE
0:11:00 > 0:11:04That one Winnie McGoogan, she makes me laugh, you know.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08- Are you there, Ma?- Oh, Dermot. Hello, son. Hello, Buster. APPLAUSE
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Hello, Mrs Brown.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Why are you so sad?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16HE LAUGHS
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Let's do it again!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- Are you there, Ma?- Yes, son.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- Hello, son. Hello, Buster. - Hello, Mrs Brown.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31You look a bit...
0:11:31 > 0:11:33You look very down, love. Are you all right?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40This celebrity guided tour business. I just want it to be a huge success.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Oh, yeah, yeah.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44DERMOT SNIGGERS
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Well, I know how you can make it a success.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Why don't I go into the kitchen and you fucking start again?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53APPLAUSE
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- Are you there, Ma?- Oh, Dermot, love. Hello.- Hello, Mrs Brown.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Hello, Buster. Dermot, you look a bit down. What's wrong?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07This celebrity guided tour business. It's tough, Ma.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Especially with Buster as my business partner.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14- He's right, it's really tough. - I just want it to be a huge success.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17A wildlife adventure tour with a genuine celebrity wildlife expert.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Well, it was never really going to work, Dermot,
0:12:19 > 0:12:21with that celebrity you got.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24He couldn't even speak to the animals. I said to him...
0:12:24 > 0:12:26HE BARKS
0:12:27 > 0:12:29HE BLEATS
0:12:29 > 0:12:31He just looked at me like I was stupid.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Shut up, Buster.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40Maybe you spoke the wrong language. Why didn't you speak like a giraffe?
0:12:42 > 0:12:46- How does a giraffe speak? - You were there, I wasn't, love.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Anyway, what happened, son? - It's a long story.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Well, I've got plenty of time, love.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02HARP PLAYS
0:13:02 > 0:13:04APPLAUSE
0:13:04 > 0:13:08MUSIC: The Circle Of Life by Elton John
0:13:20 > 0:13:24- Buster, hurry up, he'll be here any second.- Sorry, Dermot.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Nearly finished.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27HE FARTS
0:13:33 > 0:13:35TARZAN YELL
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- You know, there's a toilet just over there.- Sorry, Dermot.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Right, this celebrity animal expert better hurry up.
0:13:46 > 0:13:51- We've got customers waiting. - Ah. Here he is now.- Cue the music.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54MUSIC: Welcome To The Jungle by Guns N' Roses
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- APPLAUSE - David Attenborough?- No, Buster.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59I told you, David Attenborough wouldn't do it.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01He said this kind of thing was beneath him.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04So this is Steve Backshall. He's nearly as good anyway.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07# In the jungle, welcome to the jungle
0:14:07 > 0:14:09# Watch it bring you to your... #
0:14:10 > 0:14:13# Kn-n-n-n-n-n-knees... #
0:14:14 > 0:14:17# It's gonna bring you down Huh! #
0:14:17 > 0:14:21- Hi, Steve.- Steve, this is Buster.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23- Hi, Buster.- Hi, Steve.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25So you know all there is to know about animals?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- Well, no-one knows everything. - What's the most dangerous one?
0:14:28 > 0:14:32- I guess snakes. - What do you do if a snake bites you?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Well, the first thing you do is you bite the wound site and you
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- suck the venom out. - What if it bites you on the willy?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Well, then I guess you find out who your friends really are.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43You're my friend, aren't you, Dermot?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Not that kind of friend, Buster.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50# I got the eye of the tiger
0:14:50 > 0:14:54# A fighter, dancing through the fire
0:14:54 > 0:14:57# Cos I am a champion
0:14:57 > 0:15:01# And you're going hear me roar... #
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- Steve, is that a real animal? - They're giraffes!
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Isn't the baby one lovely?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09What does he taste like, Steve?
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Steve, are there any animals here that have not been discovered yet?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19No.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Driver! Animal!
0:15:23 > 0:15:26On your right... Your right.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Yeah, your right. ..you will see a rhino.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31THEY CHEER
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- I think. Is that a rhino, Steve? - Yes.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36The two big horns at the front there, those are a real giveaway.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39How big is a rhino's horn, Steve?
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Have you ever held one?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48APPLAUSE
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Hey, everybody, look, a tiger!
0:15:52 > 0:15:54THEY WHOOP
0:15:54 > 0:15:57THEY HUM: Eye Of The Tiger by Survivor
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Take it away, Steve.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07# It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight
0:16:07 > 0:16:11# Rising up to the challenge of our rival
0:16:11 > 0:16:14# And the last known survivor... #
0:16:14 > 0:16:16HE HUMS
0:16:20 > 0:16:23APPLAUSE
0:16:28 > 0:16:31So, we have come to the end of the safari tour, ladies and gentlemen.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32THEY GROAN
0:16:32 > 0:16:34We hope you enjoyed your adventure with us today.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37THEY CHEER
0:16:37 > 0:16:42If you did, then please show your appreciation by giving us a tip.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44If you had a good tour, give a bit more.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45THEY CHEER
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- A fantastic trip deserves a good...? - ALL: Tip!
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Pay at the front and don't be a...?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53- I'm not saying that. - THEY LAUGH
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Scrooge, Steve. Scrooge.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58That is the tour finished.
0:16:58 > 0:17:03If you can, please make your way slowly off the bus.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04Move it, come on!
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Well done today, boys, we did great. We done 82 quid in tips.
0:17:10 > 0:17:15So, 30 quid for me, 30 quid for Buster and 22 quid for taxes and charges.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17But you said you'd give me something for the animals.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19RUSTLING
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Here.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24You're idiots.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29That's the circle of life, Steve.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35APPLAUSE
0:17:39 > 0:17:41HARPS PLAYS
0:17:44 > 0:17:49It sounds like you were doing your best, son. You'll get there in the end. And I am proud of you.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- Thanks, Ma.- Come here.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- Thanks, Mrs Brown.- Feck off.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59I went on holiday once to a safari park with my Redser.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00The things we got up to.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02SHE LAUGHS
0:18:02 > 0:18:05He said I was an animal in bed.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07A hippo?
0:18:07 > 0:18:08- AUDIENCE:- Ooo!
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Let's go, Buster.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15APPLAUSE
0:18:17 > 0:18:20# It's the eye of the tiger... #
0:18:20 > 0:18:21SHE HUMS
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- Hello, Cathy. - Hiya, Mammy.- What are you doing?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- Oh, just some guest research. - Oh, yeah.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30I met that nice young man who does the gang-bangers.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35It's not gang-banging, Mammy, he infiltrate gangs.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38But, yes, Ross Kemp is on my show tonight.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40And Kevin Bridges, I'm really excited.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44- He's hilarious.- Yeah.- Yeah. Well, listen, maybe I can help.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Between us, I'm sure we can come up with a few decent questions.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51- Like what?- Well,
0:18:51 > 0:18:55"Ross, who have you styled yourself on today?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57"Humpty Dumpty?"
0:18:59 > 0:19:03And what about this? "Oh, Kevin, you're so fair skinned.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06"I'd say you sunburn easily. Do you? Do you burn, Bridges?"
0:19:08 > 0:19:10APPLAUSE
0:19:13 > 0:19:16No, thank you, Mammy, I will not be asking any of those questions.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Well, you mightn't, but I'll just hang on to them later, in case I need them.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23When Chef Aly gets here, will you give him that from me?
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Chef Aly's in, is he?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27And he's cooking a very special dish for one of my guests tonight.
0:19:27 > 0:19:32And this is the recipe. So please remember to give it to him.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I will remember to give it to him!
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Sometimes you speak to me like I'm five.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Sometimes you act like you're five, Mammy.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Goodbye.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45(Bitch!)
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Oh, hello, Chef Aly.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:54 > 0:19:58- Hello, Mrs Brown.- Hello, Chef Aly.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Reggae!
0:20:00 > 0:20:02# Mr Boombastic tell me fantastic
0:20:02 > 0:20:06# Touch me on me back she say I'm Mr Ro...
0:20:06 > 0:20:08# ..mantic. Call me fantastic... #
0:20:08 > 0:20:10MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Well, Chef Aly, I've got to give you this list of ingredients.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- You're cooking a dish for Kevin Bridges, I believe?- Yes.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17So what are you going to cook? Something special?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- Yeah...- What is it?- ..very special. - Oh, lovely. What is it?
0:20:19 > 0:20:23- Lasagne. - LAUGHTER
0:20:23 > 0:20:24But with a twist.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28- With a twist?- Yeah. - It sounds delicious.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31And we have a picture of it to show you at home. Have a look.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Ooh!
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Do it again, Chef. Go on.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- Look, I'm going to leave you with it.- Yep.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43But before I go...reggae.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46# Mr Boombastic tell me fantastic
0:20:46 > 0:20:49# Touch me on me back she says I'm Mr Ro...
0:20:49 > 0:20:52# ..mantic call me fantastic. #
0:20:52 > 0:20:53# Touch me on me... #
0:20:53 > 0:20:55MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:20:55 > 0:20:58See you, Chef. Chef Aly.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:04 > 0:21:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:09 > 0:21:12SHE SIGHS
0:21:14 > 0:21:20Agnes, why is it so hard for a woman to be successful in business?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Well, because she doesn't have a wife.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- Yeah. - AGNES LAUGHS
0:21:25 > 0:21:27You're very wise, Agnes.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Well, Winnie, compared to you, that fucking beer mat is wise.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32LAUGHTER
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- A lot of people think so, you know?- Yeah.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Oh, yeah, and people are still writing in with their problems.- Oh!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- Yeah. Here, you take that one, I'll take this one.- OK.
0:21:39 > 0:21:44- What have you got?- This one is from Deborah Hancock and she writes,
0:21:44 > 0:21:48"I have two window cleaners but can't decide which one to use
0:21:48 > 0:21:51"for fear of hurting their feelings."
0:21:51 > 0:21:53- AUDIENCE:- Aww!
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- Now, where are you, Deborah? I know, it's a tough one, isn't it?- It is.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58That girl beside you looks like she came on a motor cycle.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08So, Deborah, you know, window cleaners are hard to get.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11You know, I'd go for the one with the biggest cock.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17OK, who have we got? Mark Wilson. Where are you, Mark?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19- How are you, Mark? How are you?- Fine.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23Mark says, "The local football team play at the side of my house
0:22:23 > 0:22:25"and they keep banging their balls off my wall.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33"What should I do?" Send them over to my fucking house.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Thank you, Mark.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37What have you got, Winnie? The last one. What have you got?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Yeah. This is from Haley Matthews.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41- Hello, Hayley. How are you? - I'm good, thanks.- Nice to see you.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Good to see you.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- And she says, "Dear Agnes, I eat a lot of soya beans..."- Oh!
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- "..which in turn means I get a lot of wind."- Oh!
0:22:48 > 0:22:52"My hold-in pants don't work any more
0:22:52 > 0:22:56"as my stomach continues to grow
0:22:56 > 0:22:59"with all the tea and biscuits I eat. I'm at my wits' end..."
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Do you know what? We'll start again, Winnie, and try and read it
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- like it's not a chapter out of fucking Genesis.- Well...
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- "Dear Agnes..."- Yes.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13"I eat a lot of soya beans, which means I get a lot of wind." Right?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15"My hold on pants don't work any more. What should I do?"
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- "I'm at my wits' end." - Where's she again?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Fart.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- Oh, my God! What time is it? Winnie, I have to go.- Oh!
0:23:27 > 0:23:29- I don't want to miss Cathy's Show. - Right.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34Five, four, three, two, one...
0:23:34 > 0:23:36# Lights aglow Here we go
0:23:36 > 0:23:39# The Cathy Brown Show! #
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Hello, there again and welcome to The Cathy Brown Show
0:23:42 > 0:23:44with me, Cathy Brown.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47I'll be giving you the uninterrupted inside scoop
0:23:47 > 0:23:51on celebrity news and the world of show business.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I'm so excited to have my guests on tonight.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Please welcome the brilliant Ross Kemp
0:23:56 > 0:24:00and Scotland's king of comedy Kevin Bridges!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:08 > 0:24:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- You're very welcome. Sit down. - You want me to go here?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Who's this guy?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Really?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Buster, what the hell are you dressed like that for?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32I did it for Kevin.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- I love you, Kevin. - I love you, Buster.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37You're looking well, mate.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- Buster, get the lights. - Oh, sorry!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- Thank you, Buster. - AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Freedom!
0:24:48 > 0:24:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:55 > 0:24:57SHE LAUGHS
0:24:57 > 0:25:00APPLAUSE
0:25:00 > 0:25:01I thought I was going to be too late.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- Hello, Kevin. How are you? - Hello, Agnes.- Lovely to meet you.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- Good to see you. What a lovely boy. - Hello, Mrs Brown.- Hello, again.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- You made it, Mammy. Yay! - Yeah, I did. I did, I did.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16- I thought I was going to be too late.- Oh, well, unfortunately not.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18- So, Kevin...- Yes?
0:25:18 > 0:25:20..we all know you're one of the hardest working comedians.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Tell us about your next tour. Where are you off to next?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25I'm going to be doing some warm-up shows soon.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29I'm going to Australia first, which is where I first met your mother.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31We met as well. We met together in Australia - Melbourne.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34She was standing at the urinal beside me.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37LAUGHTER
0:25:40 > 0:25:44It's an old family trick.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46So I'm going to be starting there
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- and then New Zealand as well, hopefully.- Fantastic.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53Ross, what drew you to tackling such tough subject matter
0:25:53 > 0:25:56in your documentaries? What brought you down that road?
0:25:56 > 0:26:00A long time ago I was asked to stand in to present a documentary
0:26:00 > 0:26:03about America's relationship with guns and I met a guy who
0:26:03 > 0:26:04was in the Bloods gang.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07They told me before I met him he'd been shot 26 times.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10I didn't believe anyone could be shot 26 times and survive and,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13apart from being a very lucky man, he was a very bright man
0:26:13 > 0:26:16and I couldn't help thinking if he'd been born somewhere else...
0:26:16 > 0:26:17He wouldn't be like a sieve.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19LAUGHTER
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Can I just ask you something on Cathy's behalf?
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Is he single?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26No, he's got a wife and a lot of kids.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30So I went home, I rang up some people that I knew and I said I've
0:26:30 > 0:26:35got an idea of a programme called Ross Kemp On Gangs, very obviously.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37- And we made 27 of them.- Wow!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39APPLAUSE
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- So it was quite by accident? - Yes, a sort of fluke. Yeah.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Not on purpose.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Well, the best things, you know, happen by accident.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51LAUGHTER
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Thanks, Mammy.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56Ross, I'm sure my viewers would be interested to know -
0:26:56 > 0:26:59you've been in some really, really scary situations
0:26:59 > 0:27:02but is there anything that actually scares you?
0:27:02 > 0:27:05I would say airports but I spend a lot of time in jungles,
0:27:05 > 0:27:08a lot of time in the desert and snakes are particularly something
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- that I don't like. - And it's never changed?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- Like, you haven't...?- No. - You're not going to get over it?
0:27:13 > 0:27:17We were in East Timor and they've got 22-metre-long snakes there.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- Not nice.- Oh, God, no! No, I wouldn't like that.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22LAUGHTER
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Kevin, what are you scared of?
0:27:25 > 0:27:27I don't like insects.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Cats kind of freak me out a little bit.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32- Cats are evil.- I don't trust them. - No, I don't trust them.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34- There's something sneaky... - Yeah. I like dogs.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36- I love dogs.- I love dogs.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- You have a lovely dog. - I do.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41He's a golden retriever, allegedly, but I think he's been crossed
0:27:41 > 0:27:44with something that is far bigger - something like a wolf.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46I've seen a photograph. Have a look at this.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48This is him here.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50You've got the same sort of face.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53That's a golden retriever crossed with a donkey.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57- And, Kevin, you have a rescue dog. am I right?- That's right.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Aye, I got a dog at the Dogs Trust,
0:27:59 > 0:28:03that's the jail for a dog that's done a bit of prison time.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04I think Ross has actually done a documentary -
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- Glasgow's Toughest Dogs. There she is there.- Aww!
0:28:07 > 0:28:09The dog's, kind of, a bit drunk there.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11LAUGHTER
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Well, Ross, it would be rude while you're here
0:28:13 > 0:28:15- not to ask you about EastEnders.- Of course.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17I mean, we all loved you in it.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19I mean, how much did you enjoy the last trip to Albert Square?
0:28:19 > 0:28:20Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Hang on a minute, he was a bastard!
0:28:23 > 0:28:25LAUGHTER
0:28:25 > 0:28:28APPLAUSE
0:28:32 > 0:28:36- But, Mammy... - No, I still get upset for Tiffany.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Oh, for God's sake, Mammy! You have to get over that!
0:28:39 > 0:28:42- I wish he'd have got over it.- Oh!
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Did your family enjoy you being back in EastEnders?
0:28:44 > 0:28:48My mum did. My dad doesn't care, I don't think,
0:28:48 > 0:28:52and my wife's Australian and she's never, ever seen EastEnders.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54So she didn't know who you were when she met you?
0:28:54 > 0:28:56She didn't know I was Grant Mitchell, no.
0:28:56 > 0:28:57She didn't know I was Ross Kemp either
0:28:57 > 0:28:59because it was a bit of a blind date.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01So you got her purely on personality?
0:29:01 > 0:29:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:05 > 0:29:07My charm and good looks.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15- And, Kevin... - How did you meet your wife?
0:29:15 > 0:29:17I'm not actually married yet, so I don't know.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19- LAUGHTER - I don't know.
0:29:19 > 0:29:20Oh, Mammy, no, don't! Mammy, stop.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23- Do you know? Cathy's not married. - Mammy, please.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26We talked about this. Please, do not do this to me.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29- OK, just open a button, open a button.- Stop it!
0:29:31 > 0:29:33- Kevin, sorry about that. - That's all right.
0:29:33 > 0:29:36You've kind of caught the acting bug yourself, haven't you?
0:29:36 > 0:29:38- You had a role in Rab C Nesbitt. - Aye, that's right.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40I played a guy that lived in a lift
0:29:40 > 0:29:43and I only had one hand because a dolphin bit it off,
0:29:43 > 0:29:46that was the story, and I had two lines.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49So, aye, I definitely caught the acting bug.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51So...
0:29:51 > 0:29:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:59 > 0:30:03Finding material must be difficult with stand-up. What...
0:30:03 > 0:30:05Where do you get most of your material from?
0:30:05 > 0:30:07I don't know, that's a difficult question.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10Some days you'll just get ideas, they'll just come to you.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13Some nights you'll go to bed and you end up awake
0:30:13 > 0:30:15for three or four hours because you're getting ideas.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18I bet your father gives you a lot of material, does he?
0:30:18 > 0:30:19My dad's good, aye.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21It's not the best of stuff but he thinks it's funny,
0:30:21 > 0:30:23so sometimes you'll chuck a few in.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25My mum... She's the, kind of, an unconscious comedian.
0:30:25 > 0:30:29- My dad's good...- OK, so your mammy's like my mammy -
0:30:29 > 0:30:30- she inspires you.- Exactly.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32- AUDIENCE:- Aww!
0:30:33 > 0:30:36Well, as you know, one of my guests every week is joined by their
0:30:36 > 0:30:39- mammy...- Yes.- ..and we're very lucky that this week
0:30:39 > 0:30:40we have your mum, Kevin.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43Please welcome the beautiful Patricia!
0:30:43 > 0:30:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:53 > 0:30:56How are you, Mum?
0:30:57 > 0:31:00- Mum, this is Ross Kemp. - Nice to meet you.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02- This is Ross Kemp... AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:31:02 > 0:31:04- He cheated on Tiffany.- Oh, stop!
0:31:06 > 0:31:09So, Patricia, we've read all about Kevin and his generosity,
0:31:09 > 0:31:11I mean, paying off your mortgage, taking you away on holidays.
0:31:11 > 0:31:15- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - When did this generosity start?
0:31:15 > 0:31:18Well, he's always been a kind-hearted wee boy.
0:31:18 > 0:31:22- Wee boy.- Well... - 30 years old.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24And what was the favourite gift he ever gave you?
0:31:24 > 0:31:28- Oh, a wee Scottie dog...- Aww! - ..that he got at a jumble sale.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30Aww!
0:31:30 > 0:31:32He probably stole it.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35LAUGHTER
0:31:35 > 0:31:37And, Kevin, you brought your Mammy to New York, I believe?
0:31:37 > 0:31:40- For your 60th, remember that? - Yeah, yeah.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43On the Saturday it was her actual birthday
0:31:43 > 0:31:46and we did the Sopranos tour and part of the Sopranos
0:31:46 > 0:31:48is to take you to the Bada Bing strip club.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52- For her 60th... - So you brought your mammy?
0:31:52 > 0:31:55- We went to the strippers. It was good, wasn't it?- Yeah. Oh...
0:31:55 > 0:31:57LAUGHTER
0:31:57 > 0:32:00It went from a 60th to a stag weekend. It was...
0:32:00 > 0:32:03Do you mind? Do you mind? I have a couple of questions to ask,
0:32:03 > 0:32:05- so I'm going to ask them... - Sorry...
0:32:05 > 0:32:08- For who?- ..if I may? For me... Well, one for Ross.
0:32:08 > 0:32:09SHE SIGHS
0:32:09 > 0:32:11Do you ever get jealous of your brother?
0:32:11 > 0:32:13Yeah, Spandau Ballet is a fabulous band
0:32:13 > 0:32:16and he's more my successful than you.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19- They're not brothers. - They're not brothers?- No.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22Kevin... SHE LAUGHS
0:32:22 > 0:32:25- Do you have any groupies? - Erm...no.
0:32:25 > 0:32:28Usually just middle-aged nutters I get...
0:32:30 > 0:32:33- ..at the stage door. - Yeah, I just want to point out that
0:32:33 > 0:32:35- twice I went to see you and... - We did.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38Yes, and I was at the bucking stage door.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42Mammy, will you just go and check how Chef Aly's doing?
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Patricia, would you like to come with me and we'll check
0:32:44 > 0:32:46- and see how Chef Aly's doing? - Yes.- Come on.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49We'll go over where the grub is and leave them together.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52APPLAUSE
0:32:52 > 0:32:53- Are you all right, Aly? - Yes, I'm good.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55We're just going to have a quick chat.
0:32:55 > 0:32:58- This is the Scottie dog. Come up here and talk to me.- Oh, right, OK.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00- This is the Scottie dog that he got you.- That's it.- Look at that.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02- AUDIENCE:- Aww!
0:33:02 > 0:33:05Isn't that lovely? What was he like as a young child?
0:33:05 > 0:33:08He was quite shy as a wee boy.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11- I'm just looking...- And he... - I've got to school report here.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13Wait till you hear this!
0:33:13 > 0:33:16"Kevin has developed in confidence
0:33:16 > 0:33:20"and is adopting to a more mature attitude.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23"He is trying hard to overcome his nervousness."
0:33:23 > 0:33:24- AUDIENCE:- Aww!
0:33:24 > 0:33:26He was 28.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28LAUGHTER
0:33:29 > 0:33:32- Look at that. AUDIENCE:- Aww!
0:33:32 > 0:33:35Look at our Kevin. Look there!
0:33:35 > 0:33:38- He was a very handsome child. Was it a bad accident?- Erm...
0:33:40 > 0:33:44- A lot of people used to say he was like a cherub.- A cherub?- Yeah.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47- Those little chubby angels? - Yeah.- Aww!
0:33:47 > 0:33:49- I read his autobiography.- Ah-ha?
0:33:49 > 0:33:52He talked about when he lost his virginity.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56- No!- Did you not read that page? - No!- He booked a tart out.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58I skipped that chapter!
0:33:58 > 0:34:01- He's a lovely, lovely boy. Come over and meet Aly.- OK.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03Now, this is the meal that you reckon
0:34:03 > 0:34:06- is Kevin's favourite meal? - Oh, yeah.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08So what are you doing? You're doing a lasagne?
0:34:08 > 0:34:10- Yeah.- And what's the twist?
0:34:10 > 0:34:12The twist is we have Italian sausage.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15- So is this Italian sausage here. - Yeah, it is.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17Let me have a look at this Italian sausage.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26I've seen worse on a Friday night.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:30 > 0:34:32Reggae!
0:34:32 > 0:34:34# Mr Boombastic tell me fantastic
0:34:34 > 0:34:38# Touch me on me back she says I'm Mr Ro...
0:34:38 > 0:34:40# ..mantic tell me fantastic
0:34:40 > 0:34:41# Touch me... #
0:34:41 > 0:34:42MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:34:42 > 0:34:44- Follow me, Patricia.- OK.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46Come on, let's go back in and see how they're doing.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48APPLAUSE
0:34:52 > 0:34:55You're back. Sit down.
0:34:55 > 0:34:57So, Ross, you've had to survive some of the most dangerous
0:34:57 > 0:35:00places on earth. So you must have picked up some combat
0:35:00 > 0:35:04- and survival skills along the way? - Little bits, yeah.- Oh.
0:35:04 > 0:35:08Give us a demonstration. Here, come round here.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10- Show me.- No... - No, no, show me, show me.
0:35:10 > 0:35:11Here Ross, show me.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14Now, I have to warn you, Ross, I am trained.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16LAUGHTER
0:35:16 > 0:35:18So let's say I'm coming at you with...
0:35:18 > 0:35:20With a...
0:35:20 > 0:35:23- A fully-loaded banana.- OK.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25And I go...
0:35:27 > 0:35:29APPLAUSE
0:35:32 > 0:35:34Sorry about that.
0:35:36 > 0:35:37No...
0:35:37 > 0:35:39Not at all.
0:35:39 > 0:35:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:45 > 0:35:47You missed.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51That's given you something to build up an appetite, eh?
0:35:51 > 0:35:53Let's see what Aly has cooked for us now.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55And here we go. Look at this!
0:35:55 > 0:35:57Chef Aly, everybody!
0:35:57 > 0:36:00APPLAUSE
0:36:07 > 0:36:10We've got a nice lasagne here for Kevin Bridges.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13I do it with a twist, with Italian sausage,
0:36:13 > 0:36:16- and you can see with a little bit of meatballs on the top.- What's this?
0:36:16 > 0:36:19- The surprise dish.- The surprise dish. Is that a dessert?
0:36:19 > 0:36:22Yeah, it's passion fruit with chopped mango
0:36:22 > 0:36:25and strawberry and we can call it CRK.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27- It's called CRK? - Yeah.- What's CRK?
0:36:27 > 0:36:29Cream Ross Kemp.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31Cream Ross Kemp!
0:36:31 > 0:36:34APPLAUSE
0:36:34 > 0:36:36They look delicious. Come on, tuck in, everybody.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38- Yeah, try that, Ross. - OK, thank you.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40You've got to try a Cream Ross Kemp and, Kevin, give your mother
0:36:40 > 0:36:44some of the lasagne and I'll try this. I'll come over to you.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47Why don't you try that?
0:36:49 > 0:36:51Aly, thank you.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57Well, it's got 10 out of 10 up here.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59- What do the guests think?- Very nice.
0:36:59 > 0:37:02I never thought I'd be eating my own cream, but there you go.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04LAUGHTER
0:37:06 > 0:37:08Tastes good!
0:37:08 > 0:37:10APPLAUSE
0:37:12 > 0:37:15- What do you think, Patricia? - It's absolutely beautiful.
0:37:15 > 0:37:16And does it work with the Italian sausage?
0:37:16 > 0:37:19- Even better than my own. - Better than yours?- Yeah, definitely.
0:37:19 > 0:37:20This is absolutely gorgeous.
0:37:20 > 0:37:25I never thought I'd be eating Ross Kemp's cream either.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27LAUGHTER
0:37:33 > 0:37:37APPLAUSE
0:37:37 > 0:37:41I've never been lost for words but that is too funny.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44Wrap it up, Cathy. Wrap it up.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47Well, that's all we have time for on The Cathy Brown Show.
0:37:47 > 0:37:50A huge thanks to all my guests tonight...
0:37:50 > 0:37:51- Ross Kemp...- Thank you.
0:37:51 > 0:37:54- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:37:54 > 0:37:55..Kevin Bridges...
0:37:55 > 0:37:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:59 > 0:38:01- ..his mammy Patricia...- Yay!
0:38:01 > 0:38:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:03 > 0:38:05And, of course, Chef Aly.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:07 > 0:38:10Join Cathy next week when she'll be joined by Robert Redford
0:38:10 > 0:38:13and Rocky Balboa's mother.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15No, we won't, Mammy.
0:38:15 > 0:38:16We'll see you soon.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19But we'll go over now to St Jarlath's Church
0:38:19 > 0:38:22for Thought For The Day. Goodnight, everybody.
0:38:24 > 0:38:28ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS
0:38:29 > 0:38:32Oh, hello there. Welcome to Thought For The Day.
0:38:32 > 0:38:37A little religion to send you off to bed with some happy thoughts.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40Guess what I'm cooking for dinner? Go on, guess.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43Damien, I'm in the middle of something.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45Go on, I'll give you a hint.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48Damien, were on air - Thought For The Day.
0:38:52 > 0:38:57- Sorry, I was just doing the dinner. - Damien, shush.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00I know to some of you at home today the world seems to be getting
0:39:00 > 0:39:03more and more fearful. Things that were once so simple
0:39:03 > 0:39:06- now seem to be complicated. - Tell me about it.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08You have to use three different remotes for the telly.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10What's that about?
0:39:10 > 0:39:12LAUGHTER
0:39:12 > 0:39:14- That's the phone. - 'Hello, is anybody there?'
0:39:14 > 0:39:17And that's your mother.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19Hello, Mum.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22You'll hear terms like "alternative facts".
0:39:22 > 0:39:24There are no alternative facts, only lies.
0:39:26 > 0:39:29- Gobble.- What?
0:39:29 > 0:39:31That's the hint for dinner - gobble.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34- Turkey.- Is right!
0:39:35 > 0:39:37Oh, right! (Sorry.)
0:39:37 > 0:39:41To Jesus, life was simple and what he wanted was to make
0:39:41 > 0:39:45- the path to heaven simple for everyone.- Everyone.
0:39:45 > 0:39:48Like when Jesus said, "I bring you a message from my father.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51"Forget all the old rules, I give you just want rule -
0:39:51 > 0:39:52"love thy neighbour."
0:39:52 > 0:39:54- Simple.- Simple.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56So take that to bed with you tonight -
0:39:56 > 0:39:58love thy neighbour.
0:39:58 > 0:39:59Sleep well.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01Here's another clue...
0:40:01 > 0:40:03Buck, buck, buck!
0:40:03 > 0:40:06- Chicken.- No, mushrooms.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10- Goodnight.- Nighty-night!
0:40:12 > 0:40:14That was a chicken.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16Well, then, you do a mushroom.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:20 > 0:40:22Well, well, well...
0:40:23 > 0:40:25It's not easy being a mammy,
0:40:25 > 0:40:29which is why we want to reward some mammy every week with this,
0:40:29 > 0:40:31the Mammy of the Week award. AUDIENCE OOHS
0:40:31 > 0:40:35You see, at the head of every family you need a good mammy.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37- Isn't that right? AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:40:37 > 0:40:39Kamla Sall, isn't that right?
0:40:39 > 0:40:42Yes, it's you! Come on down and say hello.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53- I love you so much.- Thank you. - It's nice to meet you.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55Now...
0:40:55 > 0:40:57Kamla, you weren't expecting this, were you?
0:40:57 > 0:40:58I wasn't expecting this, no.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00No, or you wouldn't have worn that.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04Kamla, you've been nominated by your lovely family up there.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06Look at them up there.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08APPLAUSE
0:41:08 > 0:41:09Have a look at this.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15Hi, Mum. Surprise!
0:41:15 > 0:41:17I've nominated you to be the Mammy of the Week
0:41:17 > 0:41:19because I think you're the greatest mum in the world.
0:41:19 > 0:41:22But you're also a total nightmare.
0:41:27 > 0:41:28It kind of goes...
0:41:28 > 0:41:30SHE IMITATES KAMLA
0:41:30 > 0:41:31But I can't do it!
0:41:34 > 0:41:37She goes like this, and I don't know, it's really embarrassing.
0:41:39 > 0:41:41She calls them mojos, or mojis.
0:41:44 > 0:41:45My mum was saying, "Oh, you know what?
0:41:45 > 0:41:48"I couldn't bring myself to eat testicles."
0:41:48 > 0:41:49She meant tentacles.
0:41:52 > 0:41:56She's banned from watching football in our house because she screams.
0:41:56 > 0:41:58When Leicester did really well,
0:41:58 > 0:42:01she overnight became Leicester's biggest fan.
0:42:03 > 0:42:07Despite all these flaws, Mum, we really love you.
0:42:07 > 0:42:10I idolise you, I think you're really kind, generous,
0:42:10 > 0:42:12you've got a really good heart
0:42:12 > 0:42:14and we really don't know what we'd do without you.
0:42:16 > 0:42:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:23 > 0:42:25Tell us what you really think of your daughter now.
0:42:25 > 0:42:27- I absolutely love my daughter. She's an angel.- She sure is.
0:42:27 > 0:42:30- She really, really is.- And she told us so many things about you.
0:42:30 > 0:42:34Tell us about the television. What's this about the exploding television?
0:42:34 > 0:42:38I've got a really old television and it's a big fat thing like this,
0:42:38 > 0:42:40and I think every house has got the thin ones
0:42:40 > 0:42:41and I've got the big fat one, so...
0:42:41 > 0:42:43And she said it'll be smoking and blowing and...
0:42:43 > 0:42:46And doing all sorts of things. Yes, that's my television.
0:42:46 > 0:42:50- Well, listen, how would you like to come upstairs to my box room?- Ooh!
0:42:50 > 0:42:53You can have a little peek inside my box.
0:42:54 > 0:42:57Come on, up we go, and you'll get a chance to win some lovely prizes.
0:42:57 > 0:42:59Come on! Give her a round of applause.
0:42:59 > 0:43:00# It's going to make your day
0:43:00 > 0:43:02# It's going to rock your socks
0:43:02 > 0:43:05# When you've seen what's in Mammy's Box. #
0:43:05 > 0:43:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:12 > 0:43:15Right, Kamla, it's time for you to play Mrs Brown's Box.
0:43:15 > 0:43:17- Are you ready?- I'm ready.- OK.
0:43:17 > 0:43:21- Here in my box room are Buster, Grandad and Father Damien.- OK.
0:43:21 > 0:43:24Now, you can see they're all covered with money and also stars.
0:43:24 > 0:43:26The big one is the one with the key.
0:43:29 > 0:43:34- So, all you'll have to do is get that key to unlock my box.- OK.
0:43:34 > 0:43:38- Now, you need to pick Father Damien or Grandad or Buster.- OK.
0:43:38 > 0:43:42So whichever one you like - Grandad, Father Damien or Buster.
0:43:42 > 0:43:44- Buster, please.- Buster it is!
0:43:44 > 0:43:46APPLAUSE
0:43:46 > 0:43:49- For this you get my best tea towel. - Oh, wow.- OK, Father.
0:43:49 > 0:43:53See you, Grandad. Bye-bye. Yeah, go back to sleep.
0:43:53 > 0:43:54Now, you've got my best tea towel,
0:43:54 > 0:43:57and what you do is whack every prize you can off him.
0:43:57 > 0:43:58As much money and every prize you can...
0:43:58 > 0:44:01LAUGHTER ..with the tea towel.
0:44:01 > 0:44:05Now, when I say go, you'll have until the gong goes to get
0:44:05 > 0:44:06as much money and prizes as you can.
0:44:06 > 0:44:08- OK.- And your time starts...now!
0:44:12 > 0:44:13Oh!
0:44:29 > 0:44:31GONG CHIMES
0:44:31 > 0:44:33Hold it, hold it!
0:44:34 > 0:44:36LAUGHTER
0:44:36 > 0:44:39- Let's get the prizes up first. - Oh, wow.- A star there.
0:44:43 > 0:44:47275 euro. Give her a round of applause!
0:44:47 > 0:44:49APPLAUSE
0:44:49 > 0:44:51Thank you very much.
0:44:52 > 0:44:54280.
0:44:54 > 0:44:56Now, let's have a look.
0:44:57 > 0:44:58- Ooh.- Well done.
0:44:58 > 0:45:00AUDIENCE OOHS
0:45:02 > 0:45:03Oh, my goodness.
0:45:09 > 0:45:11And the key to Mrs Brown's box.
0:45:11 > 0:45:13CHEERING
0:45:13 > 0:45:15Buster, get the box.
0:45:16 > 0:45:18Bring it over here.
0:45:18 > 0:45:20Now, come over here.
0:45:20 > 0:45:22Let's open the lock on the box.
0:45:22 > 0:45:25I use the key, Buster usually opens it with just a hairpin.
0:45:25 > 0:45:27LAUGHTER
0:45:27 > 0:45:28Let's see what's in the box.
0:45:29 > 0:45:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:45:35 > 0:45:38- Oh, my goodness!- A new TV!
0:45:40 > 0:45:45- And of course, Kamla, you get a Mammy of the Week award.- Aww.
0:45:45 > 0:45:47APPLAUSE
0:45:49 > 0:45:50Thank you.
0:45:52 > 0:45:56Now, Kamla, all you have to do now is tidy up here, OK?
0:45:56 > 0:45:59- See you later, bye-bye. I'm off to the pub.- Bye-bye.
0:45:59 > 0:46:01APPLAUSE
0:46:04 > 0:46:06Hello, Father. Hello, Father.
0:46:09 > 0:46:10Oh, thank you, darling.
0:46:10 > 0:46:12I earned this.
0:46:14 > 0:46:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:46:22 > 0:46:25Oh, my God! It's Pixie Lott!
0:46:30 > 0:46:31How are you?
0:46:31 > 0:46:32Now...
0:46:33 > 0:46:35Pixie, or should I say Victoria?
0:46:37 > 0:46:40- How did you know my real name? - Oh, I looked it up on the internet.
0:46:40 > 0:46:42- You did?- Yeah. Where did you get a name like Pixie?
0:46:42 > 0:46:44Where did you get that name from?
0:46:44 > 0:46:47Um, I've been nicknamed it since I was born, because I was
0:46:47 > 0:46:51premature by seven weeks and I was really, really small.
0:46:51 > 0:46:54But, yeah, it just stuck from birth, so everyone calls me Pixie.
0:46:54 > 0:46:57- And you've done Breakfast At Tiffany's.- Yeah.
0:46:57 > 0:46:59- Oh, I believe you were absolutely marvellous in it.- Aww...
0:46:59 > 0:47:02So what's next, Lunch At Sharon's?
0:47:02 > 0:47:03Tea With Bianca? Ricky!
0:47:06 > 0:47:09- Oh, by the way, I heard you got engaged.- Yeah, I did.
0:47:09 > 0:47:10Oh, when are you due?
0:47:10 > 0:47:11Um...
0:47:13 > 0:47:15LAUGHTER
0:47:15 > 0:47:18No, I'm not expecting.
0:47:18 > 0:47:21- Oh, good.- Yet. - Fine church-going girl.
0:47:21 > 0:47:24So, I know you're doing your new single for us now,
0:47:24 > 0:47:26- but can I ask a special request? - Of course.
0:47:26 > 0:47:30Cos I like our guest artists to sing some of my favourite songs,
0:47:30 > 0:47:31and I've a favourite song.
0:47:31 > 0:47:33Have you ever heard of Moon River?
0:47:33 > 0:47:36I have heard of it, I've sung it many a time.
0:47:36 > 0:47:39Oh, well, I don't have a band, but I do have a heart.
0:47:39 > 0:47:42- So don't break it, sing it for me. - Do you want me to sing it for you?
0:47:42 > 0:47:43Would you please?
0:47:43 > 0:47:45Ladies and gentlemen, Pixie Lott singing Moon River.
0:47:45 > 0:47:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:47:48 > 0:47:53# Moon river
0:47:53 > 0:47:58# Wider than a mile
0:47:58 > 0:48:04# I'm crossing you in style
0:48:04 > 0:48:06# Some day
0:48:08 > 0:48:11# Oh, dream maker... #
0:48:11 > 0:48:13Just stop. Stop, stop, stop!
0:48:13 > 0:48:15# And heart... #
0:48:15 > 0:48:16Oh, no, please! Stop, stop.
0:48:16 > 0:48:19My sister used to sing that to me and I fucking hated her.
0:48:19 > 0:48:21LAUGHTER
0:48:21 > 0:48:23APPLAUSE
0:48:27 > 0:48:29- Will you sing your new track? - I'd love to.
0:48:29 > 0:48:32Ladies, and gentlemen, singing her new track, Baby,
0:48:32 > 0:48:35with Anton Powers, the beautiful Pixie Lott.
0:48:35 > 0:48:38CHEERING
0:48:46 > 0:48:48# If you love me, show me
0:48:48 > 0:48:51# Don't say a single word
0:48:54 > 0:48:56# Cos these thoughts of mine
0:48:56 > 0:48:59# Are telling me to go
0:48:59 > 0:49:02# To go, whoa
0:49:02 > 0:49:05# And the night's so cold
0:49:07 > 0:49:09# Nobody to hold
0:49:11 > 0:49:13# Are you coming home?
0:49:15 > 0:49:18# Are you coming home? I'm gonna need to know now
0:49:18 > 0:49:21# Baby, baby, baby, baby
0:49:21 > 0:49:24# If you say to me we'll be all right
0:49:24 > 0:49:26# But I need to know you'll hold me tight
0:49:26 > 0:49:29# Baby, baby, baby, baby
0:49:29 > 0:49:31# If you say to me we'll be OK
0:49:31 > 0:49:34# We can make it through another day
0:49:34 > 0:49:37# Baby, baby, baby, baby
0:49:37 > 0:49:39# No-one does it better
0:49:39 > 0:49:41# When we are together
0:49:41 > 0:49:45# Baby, baby, baby, baby
0:49:45 > 0:49:47# I love you more than ever
0:49:47 > 0:49:51# Baby, it's forever
0:49:51 > 0:49:53# You completely mistreat me
0:49:53 > 0:49:57# We're dying, come back to life
0:49:57 > 0:49:58# Life
0:49:58 > 0:50:00# In my mind we survive
0:50:00 > 0:50:04# Chasing dreams, if we only knew
0:50:04 > 0:50:06# Only knew
0:50:08 > 0:50:10# And the night's so cold
0:50:11 > 0:50:14# Nobody to hold
0:50:15 > 0:50:18# Are you coming home?
0:50:19 > 0:50:23# Are you coming home? I'm gonna need to know now
0:50:23 > 0:50:26# Baby, baby, baby, baby
0:50:26 > 0:50:28# If you say to me we'll be all right
0:50:28 > 0:50:31# But I need to know you'll hold me tight
0:50:31 > 0:50:34# Baby, baby, baby, baby
0:50:34 > 0:50:36# If you say to me we'll be OK
0:50:36 > 0:50:38# We can make it through another day
0:50:38 > 0:50:42# Baby, baby, baby, baby
0:50:42 > 0:50:46# No-one does it better when we are together
0:50:46 > 0:50:50# Baby, baby, baby, baby
0:50:50 > 0:50:52# I love you more than ever
0:50:52 > 0:50:55# Baby, it's forever
0:50:55 > 0:50:57# I've been waiting for you
0:50:57 > 0:51:00# I've been waiting all this time
0:51:00 > 0:51:02# All this time
0:51:02 > 0:51:05# I've been waiting for you
0:51:05 > 0:51:08# Waiting all this time
0:51:08 > 0:51:14# All this time
0:51:20 > 0:51:22# Oh
0:51:26 > 0:51:30# Baby, baby, baby, baby
0:51:30 > 0:51:31# If you say to me we'll be all right
0:51:31 > 0:51:33# But I need to know you'll hold me tight
0:51:33 > 0:51:36# Baby, baby, baby, baby
0:51:36 > 0:51:39# I love you more than ever
0:51:39 > 0:51:44# Baby, it's forever. #
0:51:44 > 0:51:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:51:46 > 0:51:47Thank you!
0:51:52 > 0:51:54Well...
0:51:55 > 0:51:58That was another interesting night. What a night that was.
0:51:58 > 0:52:02I have to say, Ross Kemp is a brave man and he packs a punch too.
0:52:03 > 0:52:06I bet his hand is still hurting after that. That'll teach him.
0:52:06 > 0:52:08And Kevin Bridges and his mother Patricia,
0:52:08 > 0:52:11is there two funnier people in Britain today?
0:52:11 > 0:52:13Not that I know.
0:52:13 > 0:52:16And as for Pixie Lott, she's so skinny!
0:52:16 > 0:52:18She doesn't even get X-rays, they just hold her up to the light.
0:52:18 > 0:52:21LAUGHTER
0:52:21 > 0:52:24Do you know, I know I should go to the gym and work out
0:52:24 > 0:52:28and lose a bit of weight, but I believe in no pain, no pain.
0:52:30 > 0:52:32Anyway, it makes me nice and cuddly.
0:52:33 > 0:52:36So, until next week, nighty-night.
0:52:36 > 0:52:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:52:46 > 0:52:48# Make the date, don't be late
0:52:48 > 0:52:50# Cos you know it's gonna be great
0:52:50 > 0:52:54# When the irrepressible Browns come to town
0:52:56 > 0:52:58# To begin, just tune in
0:52:58 > 0:53:01# And you'll wear an ear-to-ear grin
0:53:01 > 0:53:05# Watching Agnes and her clan act the clown
0:53:07 > 0:53:09# Instead of feeling depressed
0:53:09 > 0:53:12# Let laughter make you feel best
0:53:12 > 0:53:16# So it's All Round To Mrs Brown's! #