0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:06 > 0:00:10# When the irrepressible Browns come to town
0:00:11 > 0:00:13# To begin, just tune in
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# And you'll wear a nuclear grin
0:00:16 > 0:00:20# Watching Agnes and her clan act the clown
0:00:21 > 0:00:24# Instead of feeling depressed
0:00:24 > 0:00:27# Let laughter make you feel best
0:00:27 > 0:00:29# So it's... #
0:00:32 > 0:00:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:35 > 0:00:39- ANNOUNCER:- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to All Round to Mrs Brown's.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43VACUUM HUMS
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Hello.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Welcome back for another night of fun and craic.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56SHE GROANS
0:00:57 > 0:00:59GRANDAD WHEEZES
0:01:05 > 0:01:07It's been so busy here the last few weeks, I've barely
0:01:07 > 0:01:08had time to have a sh... cup of tea.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13- Hello, Buster.- Hello. - CHEERING
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Will you give that to Cathy?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21She needs it for her research.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23- Oh, Peter Andre?- Yeah. - CHEERING
0:01:24 > 0:01:26He's one of the guests on the show tonight.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28I hope you didn't steal this, Buster.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30You'll end up in prison.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31I'll never forget what my dad said to me
0:01:31 > 0:01:33the first time I went to prison.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34I know - "How are you, son?"
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Did we do that story before?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40We got about three or four shows out of that story.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- See you later, Buster, bye. - Bye, Mrs Brown. Love you.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43APPLAUSE
0:01:50 > 0:01:52All the girls are super-excited about Peter Andre
0:01:52 > 0:01:54being on Cathy's show later. CHEERING
0:01:56 > 0:01:57I know.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Betty and Maria can barely contain themselves.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03And who could blame them? Look at the muscles on that.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05He looks like someone dipped him in Ronseal.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I must say, I have been having plenty of fun
0:02:10 > 0:02:12with all these celebrities in the house,
0:02:12 > 0:02:14but they do need so many rooms, don't they?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16I mean, dressing rooms, green rooms,
0:02:16 > 0:02:18sex dungeons. Well, at least I...
0:02:19 > 0:02:21At least I had that one already.
0:02:26 > 0:02:2750 Shades Of Brown.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31APPLAUSE
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Oh...
0:02:36 > 0:02:39You must come down to Foley's later - it's guilty pleasures night
0:02:39 > 0:02:41there this evening, and we've a great band playing,
0:02:41 > 0:02:42you wait and see.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:02:44 > 0:02:47You know, I have some guilty pleasures myself.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52# Oh-oh-oh, mysterious girl
0:02:52 > 0:02:55# I want to get close to you... #
0:02:55 > 0:02:56Reggae!
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Hello, Mrs Brown.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01CHEERING
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- # Oh-oh-oh, mysterious girl... # - Come in, come in.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05CHEERING AND SCREAMING
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Mrs Bro-o-o-wn?
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Jesus!
0:03:13 > 0:03:14How are you?
0:03:17 > 0:03:18MUSIC STOPS
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Hello.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Have you seen Rory, Mrs Brown?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I thought he was with you, getting the guests washed and blown.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26He was, but he popped out.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31We had a fight.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Oh, not again. About what?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I said I wanted to be the one to finish Peter off...
0:03:38 > 0:03:41And he wanted to finish Peter off all by himself.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45So we agreed that we'd try and finish him off together.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46CHEERING
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Somebody better finish him off as quickly as possible,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52otherwise, well, he'd have to finish himself off.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58I'll go and find Rory, Mrs Brown.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- You do that.- Bye, Peter.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01APPLAUSE
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- It's lovely to have you here.- Aw.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- Would you like a cup of tea?- I would love a cup of tea. Thank you.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- Such lovely manners. - Oh, aren't you lovely?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Your mother must be very proud of you.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18My Cathy, who's single, by the way...
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Yeah, I can't wait to meet her, actually.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- Yes. Are you single? - Am I single?- Yes.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25I had a couple - you know, records...
0:04:25 > 0:04:26No, I'm not, I'm married.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30- Fuck sake.- Yeah.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32This will be a hard one.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35It is a hard one, that's why you're going to finish me off.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36CHEERING
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I'm sorry, but who said it? Who started this?
0:04:39 > 0:04:43If you're going to start it, I'm going to finish.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Let's play.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49So, Peter, you're adored by women all around the world.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50WOMAN WHOOPS
0:04:53 > 0:04:54And that ugly bitch there as well.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01When was the last time you went down under?
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Shut up.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06You know what I mean - Australia.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Down to the bush? The bush?
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Yeah, well, I haven't been to the bush for a while.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- You stick with me, son.- Yeah. - APPLAUSE
0:05:17 > 0:05:18CHEERING
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- Hello, Rory.- How are you, Mammy?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I am so sorry about this, Peter.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24- That's OK. - But it's all organised now.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Dino has finally agreed to allow me to finish you off in private.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Oh, come on, Peter.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Follow me down to the salon, we'll get started. Come on.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35See you later, Peter.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Let's see who we have in the audience tonight, shall we?
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Oh, now, let me see.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49- Where's Elaine Henley?- Here!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51- Hello, Elaine, how are you? - I'm fine, thanks.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Sit down, love, it's not a fuckin' raffle.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58You're a parrot psychologist?
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Yes.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00- Really?- Yeah.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02MRS BROWN SUPPRESSES A LAUGH
0:06:02 > 0:06:06- One of the most common things you deal with - parrots who won't stop swearing.- Yes.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Yes. Birds telling everybody to feck off.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Beautiful photograph I saw of you today. Look at this.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14Isn't that gorgeous?
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Beautiful.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Where do you start with a parrot?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21I'd teach them some basic tricks,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24like stepping up on your hand and I teach owners who have problems
0:06:24 > 0:06:27with their parrots how to overcome those problems,
0:06:27 > 0:06:31so that the parrots don't end up being re-homed.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I'm sure somewhere out there there's a parrot looking at TV,
0:06:36 > 0:06:37going, "Oh, my God!
0:06:39 > 0:06:40"It's my psychologist!
0:06:42 > 0:06:44"Feck off! Feck off! Feck off!"
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Nice to meet you. Thank you very much.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Where's Darren Hughes?
0:06:52 > 0:06:53- Hello, Darren. How are you? - Hi. I'm good.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Darren, it says here that you're a training major
0:06:56 > 0:06:58at the Glasgow and Lancashire Battalion Army Cadet Force.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Yes, that's correct.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHOOP AND APPLAUD
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- What's your rank?- Major.- Major?
0:07:05 > 0:07:09So, do you do all the... SHOUTS UNINTELLIGIBLY
0:07:09 > 0:07:10I can. Yes, I can.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Rory, Dean. Come here, come here.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHOOP, WHISTLE AND CHEER
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Now, Darren is going to teach you how to be in the Army.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22So, just stand to attention for us and he'll give you some orders.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24OK. Darren, in your own time.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27OK. So, stand at ease. That's it. Put your hands behind your back. OK.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30I'm going to shout, "Squad 'shun!" and we'll do that.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33You're going to come to attention. OK. Here we go. Try it.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34Squad! Squad!
0:07:34 > 0:07:35'Shun!
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Stand still! You're supposed to stand still.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53Feck off!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Sorry. It's OK.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59You big bully!
0:08:06 > 0:08:11I'll start tidying the place up. Get it ready for Cathy's show.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- Hello, son.- Hey, Ma. - Hello, Mrs Brown.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Yeah, hello, Buster. How was the
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Loch Ness Monster Celebrity Guided Tour? Was it good?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Well, there would have been a lot more people there
0:08:25 > 0:08:28if Buster had told people we were actually looking for the Loch Ness Monster,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30like he was supposed to do.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- You told me not to tell them. - No, Buster, I didn't.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35I'm sure you did, Dermo.
0:08:35 > 0:08:40You said, "Remember, it's a big secret, yeah?"
0:08:40 > 0:08:41"Big sea creature."
0:08:41 > 0:08:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:48 > 0:08:49Sorry.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Sorry, Dermo.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Well, it sounds like a long story.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59- It is.- We should definitely do the wobble.- Wobble, it is.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14# Somewhere beyond the sea
0:09:15 > 0:09:18# Somewhere waiting for me... #
0:09:20 > 0:09:24# If you want my body and you think I'm sexy
0:09:24 > 0:09:27# Come on, sugar, let me know... #
0:09:27 > 0:09:32This is a bad idea. This is going to be the worst celebrity tour ever.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34No, Buster, it's going to be the best.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37The D&B Celebrity Loch Ness Monster Tour.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39A magical mystery mission.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Yeah, whatever.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43I hope you got a really sexy celebrity to bring in the ladies.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46I did. He's getting his uniform on.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Here he is now.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53# Love lift us up where we belong...
0:09:55 > 0:09:57# Where the eagles cry
0:09:58 > 0:10:00# On a mountain high
0:10:02 > 0:10:03# Love lift us up... #
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- How are you doing?- Oh, my God! It's Nick Knowles!- How are you?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- Nice to meet you.- Hey, Mitch.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Are you ready to join the team?
0:10:11 > 0:10:12I don't know what I'm doing, to be honest.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15My agent just said, "Turn up and Top Gun and Cruise," or something.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Well, today you'll work for us
0:10:16 > 0:10:20and we're going to give these people the best celebrity guided tour of Loch Ness ever.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21- Come on!- OK.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Wait, wait, wait! Hang on! We have to do our warm-up routine.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- Warm up?- Hands in.- Hands in.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31- Hoochie-mama!- Hoochie-mama! - Hoochie-mama!- You got to fight!
0:10:31 > 0:10:33For your right!
0:10:33 > 0:10:36To paaar-tay!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39No, Nick.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Make money. Make money, Nick. Every time.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Well, you should have sung Money, Money, Money. That's all I'm saying.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47# I am sailing
0:10:48 > 0:10:49HE RETCHES
0:10:49 > 0:10:50# I am sailing
0:10:50 > 0:10:54That's it. Get it all up. Better out than in.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57You're going to be in real trouble when we leave the dock, you know.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,
0:10:59 > 0:11:03and welcome to the D&B Celebrity Loch Ness Monster Tour.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Och aye, the noo!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12So, let me introduce you to the man with all the ker-nowledge.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Mr Nick Ker-nowles.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Thank you very much, madam.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- I think that was a man. - Shut up, Buster.- Right!
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Ladies and gentlemen, shall we go monster hunting?
0:11:27 > 0:11:28Yay!
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Driver!
0:11:30 > 0:11:32- HORN HOOTS - Jesus!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34# Sail away, sail away, sail away!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36# Sail away, sail away, sail away! #
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Ladies and gentlemen, a quick reminder.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42We have the best quality of seamen on board today, if you require.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Thank you.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Now, to give us more information on the Loch Ness Monster,
0:11:50 > 0:11:52it's Nick Ker-nowles.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Nessie is adored by millions of people across the world.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Born on June 24th, 1987,
0:12:03 > 0:12:08Nessie has become widely regarded as the greatest living footballer,
0:12:08 > 0:12:13playing for both his home nation of Argentina and his club Barcelona.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Back of the net!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Right.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25The boys will now demonstrate the official Nessie call to try
0:12:25 > 0:12:29and attract the monster and to see if it answers back.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33This is what you will hear when Nessie is sad.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37PLAINTIVE DUCK WHISTLE
0:12:37 > 0:12:39AUDIENCE: Aaah!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41And this is Nessie when happy.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43MIRTHFUL DUCK WHISTLE
0:12:49 > 0:12:53# Rolling in the deep
0:12:53 > 0:12:57# You had my heart and soul... #
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Buster, could you help me here a moment?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03There are, of course, many lochs all across the country.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Let me demonstrate my favourite. If you'd like to come in here.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Thank you very much.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Dermo!
0:13:09 > 0:13:11SHIP'S HORN HOOTS
0:13:12 > 0:13:17# What's that coming over the hill? Is it a monster? Is it a monster?
0:13:18 > 0:13:23# What's that coming over the hill? Is it a monster? Is it a monster?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28# What's that coming over the hill? Is it a monster? #
0:13:28 > 0:13:32So, sadly, ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of our tour.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36We hope you enjoyed yourselves. If anybody asks, this is what you saw.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46If you did enjoy yourself today,
0:13:46 > 0:13:49please to show your appreciation, dig deep.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55A tiptop trip means a tiptop tip.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58If you thought we were top of the range, give us your change.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03We're the best on the block so don't be a...
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Cock?
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Absolutely disgraceful.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12Come on!
0:14:12 > 0:14:14I had no idea. Sorry.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19So, how did we do?
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Not as well as I'd hoped, Buster.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24You know, with overheads, costume hire, Nick's lunch.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26What lunch?
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- Here you are, Nick.- That's it?- Yeah.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Well, that wasn't worth it, was it?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- You can keep the suit.- I'll tell you what you can do with your suit.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41I like him.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45It's not even Loch Ness!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47# Love lift us up where we belong...#
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Nick!
0:14:51 > 0:14:56# Where the eagles cry on a mountain high
0:14:58 > 0:15:05- # Love lift us up where... # - Way to go, Buster, way to go!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08# Far from the world we know... #
0:15:08 > 0:15:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:14 > 0:15:18- That sounds like it was a success. - Thanks, Ma.- Thanks, Mrs Brown.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Not you. Ahem.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22You know, I dated a sailor once.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25He was a lovely, rugged man. Ha-ha-ha!
0:15:25 > 0:15:28It's the first time anyone had ever taken me up the galley...
0:15:29 > 0:15:32He brought me up and showed me his porthole.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Oh, God, I tell you, I gave that porthole a good going over.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38See you, Ma.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40I've not finished me story!
0:15:40 > 0:15:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- Hello, Cathy.- Hey, Mammy. - A cup of tea, love?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00OK, but look, just don't distract me, OK?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02I've a lot of research to do. It's a big show this week.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Oh, I met Peter Andre.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Oh, he's a lovely boy.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- AUDIENCE:- Oooh!
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- He's a real gentleman, isn't he?- Yes.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12And I'm really excited because we also have Gareth Malone on tonight.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Gareth Malone?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- AUDIENCE:- Oooh!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- The choir man?- Yeah.- I'm not sure about him.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20He's always messing around with all those poor soldiers' wives
0:16:20 > 0:16:21when they're away.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Mammy, he's not messing around with them,
0:16:25 > 0:16:27he was teaching them to be a choir.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- It's really emotional. - Really? Is it?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31SHE SOBS
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Mammy, that's exactly the kind of thing you promised you wouldn't do.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37I'll do my research somewhere else.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40I don't know why I start off in the kitchen every week.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- Because it's in the script.- Oh!
0:16:44 > 0:16:47APPLAUSE
0:16:47 > 0:16:49CHEERING
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- Hello, Aly.- Hello, Mrs Brown.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58I love it when you surprise me by popping through my back door.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- Mrs Brown?- Yes, love?- Reggae!
0:17:01 > 0:17:05MUSIC: Boombastic by Shaggy
0:17:11 > 0:17:13MUSIC STOPS
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- My God, Aly, you're a devil on the dance floor.- Chef Aly.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- Sorry, Chef Aly.- We're getting too friendly here.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21So, what are you cooking for Cathy's guests tonight?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- He is a lamb-lover.- Gareth?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- Yeah.- So you're going to cook lamb? That sounds wonderful.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Let's have a look at the finished dish.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- AUDIENCE:- Oooh!
0:17:29 > 0:17:31God, that is absolutely beautiful.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34I'm supposed to be meeting Winnie down the pub.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Buck!
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Hurr!
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- I'll see you later, Aly, OK? - See you later, Mrs Brown.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49That plate's turned on, OK?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Mrs Brown?- What, Aly?- Reggae!
0:17:52 > 0:17:56MUSIC: Boombastic by Shaggy
0:18:00 > 0:18:02CHEERING
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Oh.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Oh, God bless you, Winnie, thank you very much, love, thank you.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- Winnie, what are you doing? - It's me pelvic floor.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31- The doctor says I should exercise it.- Why, is it possessed?
0:18:32 > 0:18:37No, the doctor said it would help with my bladder control, you know?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39- What do you have to do? - Well, you have to...
0:18:39 > 0:18:43tense your downstairs for two seconds and then release.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- Here, do it with me.- OK.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Tense, release.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Tense, release.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Oh, dear. I think I released a little bit too much!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Well, before you go and change your TENA...
0:19:06 > 0:19:09More people writing in about problems. Here. You take those ones.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Craig Scott has written... Where's Craig? Hello, Craig, how are you?
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Good, thank you.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Craig writes, "Dear Agnes, My daughter's gerbils don't like me.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18"They won't come out of their cage for me.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21"I just assumed they were broken. How do I make them love me?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Light a fire around the cage.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29And when you blow it out, trust me, they will love you.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Where's Louise Attison? Louise? Hello, Louise. How are you?
0:19:35 > 0:19:39- Not bad, thank you.- It says here, "Dear Agnes, my friend Stacey..."
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Is that Stacey? Hello, Stacey, how are you?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43"My friend Stacey's fiance
0:19:43 > 0:19:45"keeps getting naked after a wine or two.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49"She doesn't know how to combat this.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50"It's very embarrassing for her,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53"although everyone else in the wine bar finds it funny...
0:19:55 > 0:19:56"..and encourage him."
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Well, all I'd say to you is, when he's had the first one
0:19:58 > 0:20:01and he starts on the second one, send him over to my house.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06One night with me, and he'll never do it again!
0:20:08 > 0:20:12- This one... This one is from Ann Taylor.- Hello, Ann. Hello, Ann.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13How are you?
0:20:13 > 0:20:17And Ann says, "Dear Agnes, I need help with my hairnet.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20"It keeps getting caught in my vajazzle when I'm doing...
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- "..when I'm at my yoga classes." - Hold it there.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Just hold it for a second.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29You wear it on your head?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32And it gets caught in the vajazzle?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35That's not yoga, that's gymnastics, love.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- Well, she says, "It's my husband's hairnet."- Hold it there!
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- Why does your husband need a hairnet?- He works in Greggs.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- Greggs?- Greggs the bakery.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50I love their sausage rolls.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53He can catch his hairnet in my vajazzle any time.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59"I'm keen to perfect my downward dog.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02"Can you help me?"
0:21:02 > 0:21:04What is a downward dog?
0:21:05 > 0:21:06Is it a yoga movement?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Show us!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11- Yeah, show us!- I know it. I know it.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- You know it, do you?- I know it. - Show us, Winnie.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16CHEERING
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Argh!
0:21:24 > 0:21:25APPLAUSE
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Was that it?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35And how in the name of Jesus did you get your head to your vajazzle?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40You need to see somebody professional.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- Oh, listen, I'd better go.- Why? - Cathy's show is about to start.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44I'm going to miss it.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- I'll see you later, Winnie. - See you later.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Keep your downward dog going, "Woof, woof."
0:21:48 > 0:21:50APPLAUSE
0:21:54 > 0:21:58- Good luck, Cathy.- You'll be great. - Aw, thanks, girls.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- It's about to start now!- We know.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05And it's going to be great.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09So when are you going to go?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11When we get Peter all nice and settled.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Girls, get out, now!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- AUDIENCE:- Aw!
0:22:17 > 0:22:19You're no fun!
0:22:19 > 0:22:22APPLAUSE
0:22:22 > 0:22:24I made it! I'm here. I'm here.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25# Time to go
0:22:25 > 0:22:28# Here we go, the Cathy Brown Show! #
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Hello, there, again. And welcome to the Cathy Brown show...
0:22:33 > 0:22:35# Cathy Brown show. #
0:22:35 > 0:22:37OK, Mammy, settle down.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39..bringing you all the latest showbiz gossip.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Goss, goss, goss, goss...
0:22:41 > 0:22:44# The Cathy Brown Show. #
0:22:44 > 0:22:45- OK, are you ready, Mammy? - Yes, yeah, I'm ready.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49OK, well, I'm very excited to introduce my guests tonight.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Please welcome the brilliant Peter Andre
0:22:52 > 0:22:55and the wonderful Gareth Malone.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58CHEERING
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Hello, lovely. How are you?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Hello.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20CHEERING
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Oh! Wow!
0:23:25 > 0:23:26That is so cool.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28- Yeah!- Buster, what are you doing?!
0:23:28 > 0:23:29It's for Peter.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33I've been working on my six-pack especially.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- AUDIENCE:- Oooh!
0:23:35 > 0:23:37WOLF WHISTLING
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Well, Buster, work on it somewhere else,
0:23:39 > 0:23:40you'll put people off their dinner.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Go!
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Out!
0:23:43 > 0:23:44- AUDIENCE:- Aw!
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Don't forget the lights.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Get out!
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Buster, get out!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08And put that bleach back!
0:24:10 > 0:24:13I'm so sorry about that, guys. Welcome to the show, both of you.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14- It's great to have you here. - Thank you.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- Very good to be here.- Great to have you here. Lovely to have you here.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Thank you very much. Call me.
0:24:19 > 0:24:24You've met Mammy. Yes, me and Peter had a tete-a-tete in the kitchen.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- It was a nice tete-a-tete. - It was a nice tete-a-tete.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29I didn't have time to finish him off. He had to do it himself.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33But, Peter, congratulations on the latest addition to your family.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Theo - is that that right?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Yes!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41How are you finding fatherhood this time round?
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Yeah, it's great. Beautiful.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45We were just having this discussion outside, weren't we?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- It's constant bliss.- It is.- You're a dad, too, of course, Gareth.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- I have two, yeah.- You have two kids? - Yes.- Oh, wow.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- So you find it difficult? - Do you know what? It is.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- He didn't deliver them!- Yeah, yeah. It was quite painful but...
0:24:56 > 0:24:59All he had to do was put his yoke in, and that was it!
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- Mammy!- Set the oven to 40 weeks
0:25:01 > 0:25:04and then he comes out.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I didn't ask him about BECOMING a father,
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I asked him about BEING a father.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Do you find it difficult?
0:25:09 > 0:25:13- No. No. My wife did.- Your wife finds it difficult being a father?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Yes, she found it difficult being a father,
0:25:15 > 0:25:18- but I told her to shave the beard. She's fine now.- OK.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22But honestly, it's such a joy. It is a beautiful, beautiful joy.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25And I think we're done. Not me and you, obviously.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- I mean, I don't know.- All right. The night is young.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- Gareth, everyone loves your show. - Oh, thank you very much.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35I mean, you're famous for putting choirs together.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- Do you actually enjoy singing yourself?- I do. I love to sing.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41I mean, I sang as a kid. I sing at home.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44In fact, if you asked my wife, she's had enough of it.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45He-he-he! What about the singing?
0:25:48 > 0:25:53- Do you think you're a good singer? - Well, I can sing in tune. Yeah.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56I was in a choir when I was in school. I learned one...
0:25:56 > 0:26:00# O'er the ocean flies a merry fay
0:26:00 > 0:26:04# Soft her wings are as a cloud in day
0:26:04 > 0:26:08# As she passes by the farmers say
0:26:08 > 0:26:10# Marianina, do not roam
0:26:10 > 0:26:12# Hither is thy home
0:26:12 > 0:26:15# Come and turn us into foam. #
0:26:15 > 0:26:16- OK, OK, OK, OK.- Great.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18CHEERING
0:26:19 > 0:26:22So, Gareth, could you work with that?
0:26:22 > 0:26:23# Marianina
0:26:23 > 0:26:25# Marianina... #
0:26:25 > 0:26:28- Gareth, could you... - # When the... #- Mammy!
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Now Gareth might be able to help you with that.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32I don't need help.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- Could you give her a quick lesson, maybe?- Yes, what language was that?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41It's an ancient language, very rarely spoken nowadays
0:26:41 > 0:26:43called ENGLISH.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48- I think it's a fine instrument there.- It IS a fine instrument.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- Thank you very much. Anybody can sing.- I mean, everyone can improve.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- Yeah, how would you improve Mammy? - How would I improve her?
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Not that she needs much improvement.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I mean, she's slouched on the sofa. I'd get her to stand up...
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- Ooh, stand up, Mammy.- ..address the audience. I'd say...
0:27:01 > 0:27:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:04 > 0:27:07I'd, you know, I'd take the posture,
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I'd get my feet apart, and, you know, tits and teeth.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15And I think that would immediately improve the sound. Shall we try?
0:27:15 > 0:27:17OK, try, Mammy.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21MRS BROWN SINGS THROUGH HER TEETH
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- I think I may have been optimistic, actually.- OK, that's lovely, Mammy.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25That's lovely.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Peter, your pop career, where did it all start for you?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33I was 13, and I was riding home on my bike,
0:27:33 > 0:27:35and I thought of a song.
0:27:35 > 0:27:36I thought of something and I thought,
0:27:36 > 0:27:39"Oh, I've heard this before, I must have heard it before."
0:27:39 > 0:27:41I went home, said to my brother, who was a great musician,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43and he was in his room playing bouzouki
0:27:43 > 0:27:44which is a Greek instrument,
0:27:44 > 0:27:47and I said to him, "Chris, I'm going to sing you something.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49"Tell me where you've heard it before." And I sang it to him...
0:27:49 > 0:27:51MRS BROWN SNORES
0:27:51 > 0:27:53- I'm sorry.- I'm sorry.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Sorry, I missed a bit, all right?
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Are you still 13? Are we still at 13?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Yeah, listen, I'll really move up to up-to-date.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Anyway, he said to me he'd never heard it before
0:28:05 > 0:28:06so it must be an original song.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Wrote my first song at 13, and then I started writing songs ever since.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11You have a beautiful voice.
0:28:11 > 0:28:12Yes, agreed.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:22 > 0:28:26- Mammy, let go of him.- I'm sorry. - He came over and abused me.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28He just...
0:28:28 > 0:28:29He abused me.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34- Was this in Cyprus?- Sorry?- Was this when you were living in Cyprus?
0:28:34 > 0:28:35No, that was Australia.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Australia to Cyprus, Cyprus to Britain,
0:28:37 > 0:28:39what made you go ping, ping, ping?
0:28:39 > 0:28:40I was born in England,
0:28:40 > 0:28:43and I emigrated to Australia when I was six.
0:28:43 > 0:28:44But then when I was 13... No.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50And spent a lot of time in Cyprus because that's my parents' home.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53She lived in Cyprus for a while. About two weeks.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58Gareth, one of your programmes,
0:28:58 > 0:29:00one of your projects was The Naked Choir,
0:29:00 > 0:29:02tell us a little bit about that.
0:29:02 > 0:29:06The Naked Choir, slightly misleading title, there was no nudity.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09Yeah, I know. I stood there watching for ages, not one penis.
0:29:09 > 0:29:13- Not one penis in the whole place. - Sorry to disappoint.
0:29:13 > 0:29:17It was about the naked sound of the human voice without adornment,
0:29:17 > 0:29:20without being in a recording studio.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22It was just people singing.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25- And that for me...- What would otherwise be called A CHOIR.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27A choir. Yeah.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Mammy, you had some tips for Gareth, didn't you?
0:29:33 > 0:29:36Well, I have a warm-up technique I use.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39If you want to try this, repeat after me,
0:29:39 > 0:29:41I saw Suzy's Shine shop.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44Where she sits, she shines, and where she shines, she sits.
0:29:45 > 0:29:50I saw Suzy's Shine shop. Where she shines,
0:29:50 > 0:29:53Suzy sh... Suzy shines...
0:29:53 > 0:29:55- Shops.- ..shops.
0:29:55 > 0:29:59- Suzy has a Shine shop.- Oh, don't tell me the story. Jesus...
0:29:59 > 0:30:01When Suzy was 13 years old...
0:30:02 > 0:30:08Suzy is shining shoes in her shop, where she shines, she shops.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12- No, she sits.- When she shits.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:14 > 0:30:18- When she shines, she shits. Oh, shit.- You did very good.
0:30:18 > 0:30:19You did very good.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21OK, now, as you know,
0:30:21 > 0:30:25we always welcome one of our guest's own mammies onto the show.
0:30:25 > 0:30:29So this week, please welcome Gareth's gorgeous mammy, Sian.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:37 > 0:30:38Hello, Sian.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43- Lovely to have you. Thanks very much.- Hello.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47Welcome to the show, Sian, it's lovely to have you here.
0:30:47 > 0:30:48Thank you very much.
0:30:48 > 0:30:50So tell us a little bit about Gareth.
0:30:50 > 0:30:51Was he a show-off as a child?
0:30:51 > 0:30:53Absolutely.
0:30:53 > 0:30:55- Yes. From the beginning.- From the beginning?
0:30:55 > 0:30:57- Was he a good singer as a child? - Very, yes.
0:30:57 > 0:31:01From quite a young age, he could sing in tune.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03That's what I just said. Yeah, I can sing in tune.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05That's the only review I gave myself.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09- Did he get that from you?- Yes. - Oh, did you?- And my dad as well.
0:31:09 > 0:31:10But she sang all the time.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13- I just remember the sound of her voice in a positive way.- Oh, good.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16That's lovely.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19A lot of people I know actually sing to the baby before it's born.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22- Oh, I did that.- Yes, she did.- Did you?- Oh, yes.- I don't remember this.
0:31:22 > 0:31:23I've just heard, obviously.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26- Oh, you do remember, you just need to be taken back.- Oh, listen.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29I've one or two of mine could be taken back, as well.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33Peter, did you sing to your children before they were born?
0:31:33 > 0:31:35Yes, I actually went a different route.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38I used to play Greek music to them because I wanted them...
0:31:38 > 0:31:40I know it sounds strange, I won't bore you...
0:31:41 > 0:31:44Anything they watch in English, I go on YouTube
0:31:44 > 0:31:46and find a version in Greek and play it to them
0:31:46 > 0:31:47so that they absorb Greek.
0:31:47 > 0:31:51- And they speak Greek.- It keeps them in touch with their culture.- Yes.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53- That's lovely. - Music is so important.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55We have a picture of you with your mam, here.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58- Aw, look at that. - Isn't she gorgeous?
0:31:58 > 0:31:59You know, her and my dad
0:31:59 > 0:32:02- just celebrated their 61st wedding anniversary.- Wow.
0:32:02 > 0:32:03APPLAUSE
0:32:06 > 0:32:08- I love her. - And what is your mammy's name?
0:32:08 > 0:32:10Well, it's a Greek name.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13- But in English I would say it is like Thea.- Thea?
0:32:13 > 0:32:14- What is it in Greek?- Theabisti.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17- Sounds beautiful.- Which means faith in God.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19- There you go.- Faith in God?
0:32:19 > 0:32:24My name is Agnes. In English, it means sex for cash.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29Sian, with all this success, you must be incredibly proud of him,
0:32:29 > 0:32:32- with all the work he's done with the choirs.- Don't tell him.
0:32:32 > 0:32:34- Don't tell him.- He doesn't seem to be lost about himself,
0:32:34 > 0:32:36he seems to be very grounded.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38Yes, he is, very grounded. Yes.
0:32:38 > 0:32:39I think it was nice.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41I had a nice little regular upbringing,
0:32:41 > 0:32:43and then, suddenly, this craziness.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46Were you surprised, as we all were, with the success of the show?
0:32:46 > 0:32:47Yeah, I mean...
0:32:51 > 0:32:53APPLAUSE
0:32:53 > 0:32:55No, I think, I do believe in people,
0:32:55 > 0:32:57and I love to see people stretch themselves.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59You know, it's so important in life, isn't it,
0:32:59 > 0:33:01to do something that you've not done before?
0:33:01 > 0:33:04Like coming and sitting on this sofa here is for my mother.
0:33:04 > 0:33:05Why I'm here.
0:33:05 > 0:33:09Only her first ever experience of anything like this in her life.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11- "Come on," he said, "it'll be fun." - How is it going?
0:33:11 > 0:33:14APPLAUSE
0:33:14 > 0:33:16So I did.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18Oh, we won't confine you to the sofa.
0:33:18 > 0:33:19Mammy, why don't you take Sian with you...?
0:33:19 > 0:33:22- Come and meet chef Aly with me. - See how Chef Aly is doing.
0:33:22 > 0:33:25And we can have a one-to-one talk, just the two of us.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:33:30 > 0:33:32Come on round here.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35Now, tell me a little bit about him behind his back.
0:33:35 > 0:33:39Here are some gorgeous photographs of him. He was musically inclined.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42- He definitely was.- Yes. - Look at this.
0:33:42 > 0:33:43- AUDIENCE:- Aw!
0:33:43 > 0:33:47Isn't that...? He was a very generous child, I believe.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50He was, yes. Yes, you could always get to his heart.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52I read a story about him when he was seven.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55- He saved up his money to buy you a necklace.- Yes, he did.
0:33:56 > 0:33:57He's a sap. Isn't he a sap?
0:33:59 > 0:34:02You and your husband met, where?
0:34:02 > 0:34:06- We met through an operatic society.- Ooh, excuse me!
0:34:06 > 0:34:08And how did he get your name and address?
0:34:08 > 0:34:10- I wrote it on a programme in pencil...- And gave it to him.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13- And gave it to him.- Now...- Yes.
0:34:13 > 0:34:15She gave out 14 of those programmes that night.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20She only got one call.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22- And married, when?- 1972.
0:34:22 > 0:34:25Oh, lovely, that was the year after Gareth was born.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27SHE LAUGHS
0:34:27 > 0:34:30Come over here and talk to me. Chef Aly, what are you doing?
0:34:30 > 0:34:34We've got here rack of lamb, because I know, Gareth, he like lamb.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36And we're going to put some twist in it,
0:34:36 > 0:34:38which are going to make it like North African,
0:34:38 > 0:34:42- with the herb, and Greek style with yoghurt.- Lovely.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45It looks absolutely gorgeous.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47Let's go back in and see... Reggae!
0:34:47 > 0:34:51# Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic
0:34:51 > 0:34:54# Touch me on the back, she says I'm Mr Ro
0:34:54 > 0:34:57# Mantic, say me fantastic
0:34:57 > 0:34:59# Touch me on the back, she says... #
0:34:59 > 0:35:01CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:35:01 > 0:35:03Let's go back in.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10Did you do a bit of that while you were in London?
0:35:10 > 0:35:13I did country dancing. Not actually Irish dancing.
0:35:13 > 0:35:16But my relatives have done lots of Irish dancing.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19I can see you have the moves, you definitely have them.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21Peter, just one last thing,
0:35:21 > 0:35:24you have become quite famous for having lots of muscles.
0:35:24 > 0:35:26Yes! Look at you! Hm!
0:35:26 > 0:35:30So we'd like to test to see just how strong you think you are.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32Well, I know all about strength.
0:35:32 > 0:35:35I used to be a wrestling champion, never beaten,
0:35:35 > 0:35:37undefeated by man, woman, or beast.
0:35:37 > 0:35:39- Perfect! That sounds like a challenge.- No, no, no.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41I didn't mean that. I'm just saying.
0:35:41 > 0:35:42- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:35:42 > 0:35:45Peter, are you up for arm wrestling with Mammy to see if you can
0:35:45 > 0:35:49- challenge her undefeated run? - CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:35:50 > 0:35:53Is that even...? Is that even respectful?
0:35:53 > 0:35:55- I'm going to take this off for this. - Oh, my God!
0:35:55 > 0:35:58- If we're going to do this. - AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHISTLES
0:35:58 > 0:36:00Let's do this, then, if we're going to do it.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03Hang on. How do I do this respectfully? Let me get down here.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:36:05 > 0:36:09Ladies and gentlemen, Peter Andre is going down!
0:36:09 > 0:36:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:11 > 0:36:13Right, how are we going to do this?
0:36:13 > 0:36:16Put your elbow there and I'll put my elbow here.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19When I say three, don't start pushing straightaway.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22- We take the strain first. And then we start pushing, OK?- OK.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25I win, that's it. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:25 > 0:36:28- I knew this was going to happen! - # Champione!
0:36:28 > 0:36:32# Champione! Ole, ole, ole! #
0:36:33 > 0:36:36APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:36:38 > 0:36:42- Well done, Mammy. Undefeated. - Unlucky, Peter. Unlucky.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45- Unlucky.- Strong, though. - I think it's time now to see what
0:36:45 > 0:36:48- Chef Aly has created for us. - Oh, yes. I'll go get it.- OK.
0:36:48 > 0:36:49Oh!
0:36:49 > 0:36:51Aly, this looks gorgeous.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53Look at this!
0:36:53 > 0:36:55- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:36:55 > 0:36:58APPLAUSE
0:36:58 > 0:36:59Look at that.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03So, what have we got here, Aly?
0:37:03 > 0:37:06We've got lamb here, but different way with a lot of flavour in it.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08I hope you enjoy that.
0:37:08 > 0:37:12And we got the surprise dish, which is chocolate fondant for everyone.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15Have we got any for the audience? Let's see what we've got.
0:37:15 > 0:37:16It's absolutely... Look at that!
0:37:16 > 0:37:19Isn't that gorgeous? No, you're not getting any.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24Would you like to try that? Lovely bit of lamb. There you go.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27Would you like to try a bit of lamb? There you go. Bah!
0:37:30 > 0:37:32CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:37:37 > 0:37:39Gareth, how does it compare to your mammy's?
0:37:39 > 0:37:43- Oh, I mean, nowhere near as good, obviously.- Oh!
0:37:43 > 0:37:46- Very good.- Beautiful!- Well done, Chef Aly. Well done.- Very good.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:37:52 > 0:37:56Well, that's all we have time for on the Cathy Brown Show.
0:37:56 > 0:37:57- AUDIENCE:- Aw!
0:37:57 > 0:38:01Aw! A huge thanks to all my guests tonight, Peter Andre...
0:38:01 > 0:38:03CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:38:03 > 0:38:05- Gareth Malone... - CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:38:05 > 0:38:07- ..his mother, Sian... - CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:38:07 > 0:38:10- ..and of course Chef Ally! - CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:38:12 > 0:38:15Join us next week when we'll be joined by Captain Cook
0:38:15 > 0:38:16and Elton John and his auntie.
0:38:18 > 0:38:19No, we won't, Mammy.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21Maybe, you don't know for sure, maybe.
0:38:21 > 0:38:23We'll see you soon, but for now,
0:38:23 > 0:38:25it's over to Trevor and Father Damien
0:38:25 > 0:38:27for Thought For The Day.
0:38:27 > 0:38:29- Goodnight.- Goodnight.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31APPLAUSE
0:38:34 > 0:38:39Hello there. Yes, it's Thought For The Day again.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41Think of it as a little head massage to send you off to bed
0:38:41 > 0:38:44- with happy thoughts.- Hello.
0:38:44 > 0:38:48I want to talk to you today about preparation and how important it is.
0:38:48 > 0:38:50Very.
0:38:50 > 0:38:53We all try to keep a little nest egg aside to be prepared in case
0:38:53 > 0:38:55- of an emergency.- We do.
0:38:55 > 0:38:59- Or we have a spare wheel in the car, to prepare for a puncture.- Exactly.
0:38:59 > 0:39:05- So, repairing your soul by way of confession is a good idea.- It is.
0:39:05 > 0:39:09Now, Damien here is doing the main mass tomorrow and I'm
0:39:09 > 0:39:13helping him to prepare. So, Damien, get out your pad.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16I don't need it, Trevor, just tell me.
0:39:16 > 0:39:20- I have a photogenic memory.- OK.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23- Next Friday is the First Friday. - First Friday.
0:39:23 > 0:39:26There will be confessions on Thursday,
0:39:26 > 0:39:28Tuesday is the feast of St Peter and St Paul.
0:39:28 > 0:39:32On Saturday, Mary Malone will marry Mikey Nolan.
0:39:32 > 0:39:35Anybody who thinks these two should not be married
0:39:35 > 0:39:37should come forward as soon as possible.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39We have christenings on Sunday.
0:39:39 > 0:39:42This is a deep and meaningful time for the parents.
0:39:42 > 0:39:45So, parents should be at the church at 11 o'clock.
0:39:47 > 0:39:51- Got it.- Great, let me hear it.
0:39:53 > 0:39:55Next Wednesday is the First Friday,
0:39:55 > 0:39:57there'll be confessions on Saturday,
0:39:57 > 0:40:00Tuesday is the feast of Mary Malone and Mikey Nolan.
0:40:00 > 0:40:04On Saturday, St Peter and St Paul will be getting married,
0:40:04 > 0:40:07anybody who thinks they shouldn't be should be at the church at 11am
0:40:07 > 0:40:09on Sunday with the parents for christening.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12But bring a snorkel, because we're going deep.
0:40:13 > 0:40:17- How's that?- Bang on, Damien. Bang on.
0:40:18 > 0:40:23- Be prepared, it's important, goodnight.- Goodnight.
0:40:28 > 0:40:30Such, such wise words there.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32Wise words like a mother's words.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35And it's not easy being a mother, despite all that wisdom.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37I mean, so much wisdom to pass on to your children
0:40:37 > 0:40:40or your child or your three children or your four children,
0:40:40 > 0:40:42five, six, seven.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45If you've been really going at it, eight fucking children.
0:40:45 > 0:40:47Not to mention all the ones you might foster,
0:40:47 > 0:40:50on top of all that, isn't that right, Elaine McGuire?
0:40:50 > 0:40:52Isn't it?
0:40:52 > 0:40:55CHEERING
0:40:55 > 0:40:59Yes, Elaine. You are our Mammy Of The Week.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02Come on down, come on.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06Elaine!
0:41:06 > 0:41:09Hello!
0:41:09 > 0:41:12ELAINE LAUGHS
0:41:14 > 0:41:17All that stuff I read out is true. I mean, it's all really true.
0:41:17 > 0:41:20Yeah, I mean, I don't foster any more, but I did foster for years.
0:41:20 > 0:41:22Elaine, every week we want to award somebody
0:41:22 > 0:41:23with this wonderful mammy award.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26And you've been nominated by your son Patrick and the rest of
0:41:26 > 0:41:30the family who are up there. Look at them up there. Hello.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32And if you at home are wondering
0:41:32 > 0:41:34why she's been nominated, have a look at this.
0:41:37 > 0:41:39Surprise, Mum. We've decided to nominate you as the mammy of
0:41:39 > 0:41:41the week, because you're absolutely brilliant,
0:41:41 > 0:41:44but you're also a little bit of a pain in the arse.
0:41:50 > 0:41:53Whilst telling a story about how she was on the beach in Corfu,
0:41:53 > 0:41:56she fell asleep on a Lilo and drifted out to sea
0:41:56 > 0:41:58and the Albanian border police
0:41:58 > 0:42:01picked her up on a boat and took her back to shore at gunpoint.
0:42:01 > 0:42:03She was topless.
0:42:03 > 0:42:07Yeah, fortunately we weren't around back then.
0:42:08 > 0:42:10If she's talking to somebody important,
0:42:10 > 0:42:11she's got a really posh voice,
0:42:11 > 0:42:14if she's talking to a friend, she's got a really low Scottish voice.
0:42:16 > 0:42:18A few years ago, my mum had a heart attack,
0:42:18 > 0:42:20she's all fine now, but what she doesn't tell people,
0:42:20 > 0:42:23just beforehand she was watching a documentary
0:42:23 > 0:42:24called The Perfect Penis.
0:42:26 > 0:42:28Mum, you love complaining, any time you're in a restaurant
0:42:28 > 0:42:31and there's a crack in the plate, you'll be straight on to
0:42:31 > 0:42:33the manager, complaining, wanting free meal, free money.
0:42:33 > 0:42:34Drives us absolutely mad.
0:42:37 > 0:42:40Mum, you can sometimes be a nightmare, I know we don't say it
0:42:40 > 0:42:42enough, but we are so thankful for all the stuff you do for us.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44We don't know what we'd do without you.
0:42:56 > 0:42:58Typical mammy, after all those wise words,
0:42:58 > 0:42:59she leaned into me and said,
0:42:59 > 0:43:01"I'll kill him."
0:43:02 > 0:43:05So tell me about this, the Albanian border police...
0:43:05 > 0:43:09You drifted out to sea and then they had to send you back?
0:43:09 > 0:43:13No, no, they were just moving in their boat quite close...
0:43:13 > 0:43:15To you?
0:43:15 > 0:43:18So nobody could see me, I was wanting a topless tan,
0:43:18 > 0:43:21- so I went out to the far... - Is there enough sun to go around?
0:43:24 > 0:43:26So, now, you've always put your kids first,
0:43:26 > 0:43:29you're always making sure that they're fed and watered,
0:43:29 > 0:43:30even if you weren't.
0:43:30 > 0:43:33- Yeah.- You've literally done without food to feed the kids.- No.
0:43:35 > 0:43:36I was going to say...
0:43:36 > 0:43:39Does it look as though I've gone without it?
0:43:39 > 0:43:40I'd eat the kids.
0:43:40 > 0:43:43Listen, how would you like to come upstairs and I'll give you
0:43:43 > 0:43:45a chance to have a poke around my box?
0:43:45 > 0:43:47AUDIENCE OOHS
0:43:47 > 0:43:50Follow me, up to Mrs Brown's boxroom.
0:43:50 > 0:43:51# It's going to make your day
0:43:51 > 0:43:52# It's going to rock your socks
0:43:52 > 0:43:55# When you see what's in Mammy's Box. #
0:43:55 > 0:43:57APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:44:01 > 0:44:04Now, in order to take away the award and, of course,
0:44:04 > 0:44:06as many prizes as you can, look at the prizes - flowers,
0:44:06 > 0:44:09chocolates, cinema tickets, a year's supply of tea.
0:44:09 > 0:44:11I'm sure you prefer Prosecco.
0:44:12 > 0:44:15So, plenty of prizes and as much money as you can to knock off.
0:44:15 > 0:44:19Now, you get a choice of three. You can pick either my son Trevor...
0:44:19 > 0:44:20Hello, son.
0:44:20 > 0:44:22..Father Damien or Buster.
0:44:24 > 0:44:26APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:44:27 > 0:44:31So, who are you going to pick? Trevor, Father Damien or Buster?
0:44:33 > 0:44:35- Buster. Buster.- Buster it is, OK.
0:44:35 > 0:44:37APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:44:37 > 0:44:39I'm going to give you one of my best tea towels
0:44:39 > 0:44:43and when he comes out, smack as hard as you can.
0:44:43 > 0:44:45Believe me, anything that falls off,
0:44:45 > 0:44:49even if it's his yonky-yonky, you get to keep it.
0:44:49 > 0:44:50When I say, "Go!" - the time starts
0:44:50 > 0:44:52and keep going until you hear the gong.
0:44:52 > 0:44:54Oh, Jesus, you were winding up.
0:44:56 > 0:44:58Patrick, son, you're dead, dead.
0:44:59 > 0:45:01And here we go, the time starts now.
0:45:03 > 0:45:06APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:45:06 > 0:45:08BUSTER GROANS
0:45:09 > 0:45:12BUSTER GROANS
0:45:19 > 0:45:21And get him!
0:45:21 > 0:45:25APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:45:29 > 0:45:32Now, let's pick up these stars,
0:45:32 > 0:45:34let's get these stars first of all.
0:45:34 > 0:45:36Now, there we go.
0:45:36 > 0:45:37Oh, good girl, well done, yeah,
0:45:37 > 0:45:40you weren't missing anything, were you?
0:45:40 > 0:45:42Buster, if you come out for a second, step out.
0:45:42 > 0:45:44Just lie on the floor there for a second.
0:45:46 > 0:45:48You've won 400 euro.
0:45:48 > 0:45:51APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:45:54 > 0:45:57A year's supply of tea.
0:45:57 > 0:45:59Wine.
0:45:59 > 0:46:01- Ooh! - AUDIENCE OOHS
0:46:01 > 0:46:04Cinema tickets.
0:46:04 > 0:46:06And the key to Mrs Brown's Box.
0:46:06 > 0:46:09APPLAUSE
0:46:09 > 0:46:12So, let me go and get my box ready, you lucky thing.
0:46:12 > 0:46:14Come on, box. Here, box, here, box.
0:46:17 > 0:46:20This box is like a parrot, has a lot of psychological problems.
0:46:22 > 0:46:25MRS BROWN CHUCKLES
0:46:25 > 0:46:27Now, you can open it, see what you've won.
0:46:30 > 0:46:33APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:46:33 > 0:46:35A little hug, I think!
0:46:35 > 0:46:36Thank you very much.
0:46:37 > 0:46:40And, of course, most important,
0:46:40 > 0:46:42you also get Mammy Of The Week -
0:46:42 > 0:46:43Elaine McGuire.
0:46:47 > 0:46:49Do you want your tea towel back?
0:46:49 > 0:46:53Now, you're going to have to get the rest of that stuff off Buster,
0:46:53 > 0:46:54put him back in the closet,
0:46:54 > 0:46:57I am going down to the pub, see you later, Elaine.
0:46:57 > 0:47:00- Elaine McGuire!- Thank you.
0:47:00 > 0:47:02APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:47:09 > 0:47:12Excuse me. This bar is getting busier and busier.
0:47:12 > 0:47:14Sharon, pint of cider, please, love.
0:47:14 > 0:47:16Oh, my God, it's Steps!
0:47:24 > 0:47:26This is magnificent.
0:47:26 > 0:47:29I thought you were dead.
0:47:29 > 0:47:31Oh, this is fantastic. So the band is back together?
0:47:31 > 0:47:33- ALL:- Yes.
0:47:33 > 0:47:35Why?
0:47:35 > 0:47:37- We have a celebration this year. - Oh, what's the celebration?
0:47:37 > 0:47:42- We are 20 years old.- We wish. - We wish we were.
0:47:42 > 0:47:44We're looking good, yeah?
0:47:44 > 0:47:46And the new CD is fabulous.
0:47:46 > 0:47:48I mean, to be doing new music in your 60s, that's incredible.
0:47:50 > 0:47:52Well, I can't wait to hear your single,
0:47:52 > 0:47:55but before you sing the single, all of our guests so far have done
0:47:55 > 0:47:58a little serenade of some of my favourite songs.
0:47:58 > 0:48:00I wonder, do you know the song -
0:48:00 > 0:48:01# Unforgettable... #
0:48:01 > 0:48:03Cos you guys are unforgettable.
0:48:03 > 0:48:06- Shall we sing that about you, though, maybe?- Oh, I'd love that.
0:48:06 > 0:48:10Do I need to put on a TENA Lady or anything?
0:48:10 > 0:48:11- Hopefully not.- We'll see how we go.
0:48:11 > 0:48:13We'll see how we go. Who's going to start?
0:48:13 > 0:48:15- We're all going to start. - Oh, lovely.
0:48:15 > 0:48:16H, you can lead us in.
0:48:16 > 0:48:22# Unforgettable, that's what you are...
0:48:22 > 0:48:29# Unforgettable, tho' near or far
0:48:29 > 0:48:31# Tho' near or far
0:48:31 > 0:48:37# That's why, Agnes, it's incredible
0:48:37 > 0:48:41# That someone so unforgettable...
0:48:41 > 0:48:43All together.
0:48:43 > 0:48:50# Thinks that I am unforgettable too. #
0:48:50 > 0:48:53Group hug, group hug, group hug. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:48:55 > 0:48:57That was great.
0:49:00 > 0:49:04There you go. I hope the singing is fucking better than that.
0:49:04 > 0:49:08You go get yourselves ready to sing and put some clothes on, please.
0:49:08 > 0:49:09I was actually going to take this for you.
0:49:09 > 0:49:11Oh, you can take it off if you like.
0:49:11 > 0:49:13Thank you very much, Lee.
0:49:13 > 0:49:18Singing Scared Of The Dark, it's real, true pop legends - Steps.
0:49:18 > 0:49:20APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:49:39 > 0:49:43# What you can't see can't hurt you, they say
0:49:43 > 0:49:47# But I've been blind too many times before
0:49:47 > 0:49:50# Never see it coming your way
0:49:50 > 0:49:54# Shadows and secrets hide
0:49:54 > 0:49:58# Give me the bright lights of the dance floor
0:49:58 > 0:50:02# To shine inside this broken heart of mine
0:50:02 > 0:50:07# The way you move I'm forgetting all the ghosts in my mind
0:50:07 > 0:50:10# Just say you're mine
0:50:10 > 0:50:13# And stay by my side
0:50:13 > 0:50:18# Don't say you're leaving
0:50:18 > 0:50:21# Don't turn out the lights
0:50:21 > 0:50:26# I scream, I scream, I scream
0:50:26 > 0:50:30# Don't let the darkness come and hold me
0:50:30 > 0:50:33# I need someone cos I can't be lonely tonight
0:50:33 > 0:50:38# Come on, baby, come and take me in your arms
0:50:38 > 0:50:41# I'll never be scared of the dark
0:50:41 > 0:50:45# And when the shadows creep up on me
0:50:45 > 0:50:49# If I shiver, keep your body close to mine
0:50:49 > 0:50:55# Come on, baby, come and take me in your arms
0:50:55 > 0:50:57# I'll never be scared of the dark
0:50:57 > 0:51:01# I'm the kind who's always falling
0:51:01 > 0:51:05# Into trouble and into paradise
0:51:05 > 0:51:08# I don't love by half, I'm all in
0:51:08 > 0:51:10# I wanna be yours
0:51:10 > 0:51:13# Just say you're mine
0:51:13 > 0:51:16# And stay by my side
0:51:16 > 0:51:20# Don't say you're leaving
0:51:20 > 0:51:23# Don't turn out the lights
0:51:23 > 0:51:28# I scream, I scream, I scream
0:51:28 > 0:51:32# Don't let the darkness come and hold me
0:51:32 > 0:51:36# I need someone cos I can't be lonely tonight
0:51:36 > 0:51:41# Come on, baby, come and take me in your arms
0:51:41 > 0:51:44# I'll never be scared of the dark
0:51:44 > 0:51:48# And when the shadows creep up on me
0:51:48 > 0:51:52# If I shiver, keep your body close to mine
0:51:52 > 0:51:57# Come on, baby, come and take me in your arms
0:51:57 > 0:52:00# I'll never be scared of the dark
0:52:00 > 0:52:04# In your arms, in your arms
0:52:04 > 0:52:06# In your arms
0:52:06 > 0:52:10# In your arms, in your arms
0:52:10 > 0:52:12# In your arms, in your arms
0:52:12 > 0:52:15# I'll never be scared of the dark
0:52:15 > 0:52:19# Don't let the darkness come and hold me
0:52:19 > 0:52:21# I need someone cos I can't be lonely tonight
0:52:21 > 0:52:27# Come on, baby, come and take me in your arms
0:52:27 > 0:52:30# I'll never be scared of the dark
0:52:30 > 0:52:35# And when the shadows creep up on me
0:52:35 > 0:52:38# If I shiver, keep your body close to mine
0:52:38 > 0:52:44# Come on, baby, come and take me in your arms
0:52:44 > 0:52:47# I'll never be scared of the dark. #
0:52:47 > 0:52:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:53:07 > 0:53:10My God, my God. Well, what are we getting today?
0:53:10 > 0:53:14With Steps singing in Foley's and it's been a lovely day.
0:53:14 > 0:53:17It's not often we get two gentleman in the house at the same time,
0:53:17 > 0:53:20but that's exactly what Peter and Gareth turned out to be -
0:53:20 > 0:53:21gentleman.
0:53:21 > 0:53:25And as for Sian, what a lovely mother and a lovely woman.
0:53:25 > 0:53:28And speaking of gentleman, what about An Officer And A Gentleman
0:53:28 > 0:53:30with K-nick K-nowles?
0:53:30 > 0:53:33I often dreamt it's me in that movie and I'm there and I say,
0:53:33 > 0:53:37"Take me now. I'm yours."
0:53:37 > 0:53:40And then he says, "We're going to need a bigger boat."
0:53:42 > 0:53:46Enjoy the rest of your night, sweet dreams, goodnight.
0:53:46 > 0:53:48APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:53:51 > 0:53:53# Make a date
0:53:53 > 0:53:54# Don't be late
0:53:54 > 0:53:56# Cos you know it's going to be great
0:53:56 > 0:54:01# When the irrepressible Browns come to town
0:54:01 > 0:54:03# To begin, just tune in
0:54:03 > 0:54:07# And you'll wear a new toothy grin
0:54:07 > 0:54:11# Watching Agnes and the clan act the clown
0:54:12 > 0:54:14# Instead of feeling depressed
0:54:14 > 0:54:17# Let laughter make you feel best
0:54:17 > 0:54:22# So it's All Round To Mrs Brown's. #
0:54:22 > 0:54:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING