0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language from the start.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23BREATHING
0:00:37 > 0:00:40HOWLING
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Wolves come.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52WOLVES HOWL
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Breathe out when you squeeze the trigger.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16GUNSHOT
0:01:19 > 0:01:21ANIMAL WHIMPERS
0:01:33 > 0:01:34MAN GROANS
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Shooting ibex very bad. Big trouble.
0:01:43 > 0:01:48National animal. Dead. Big disgrace.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54The Tazbeks are kind and generous hosts. Their care
0:01:54 > 0:01:58and consideration for their guests is renowned throughout the world.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Dollars. Proper money.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05What about when they find ibex?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Blame the Frenchman.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21..absolutely within your sight.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Absolutely straight, that's the way to do it.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Bonjour. Missed again?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- Yep. Looks like it. Any luck yourself?- Of course.
0:02:31 > 0:02:36I've got it - the hunter in Bugs Bunny. That's who you remind me of.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38What was his name?
0:02:38 > 0:02:42- Elmer Fudd.- Exactly, Elmer Fudd.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44THEY LAUGH
0:02:45 > 0:02:48You must er...breathe out when you squeeze the trigger.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52I tried. We can't all be so formidable.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07CLOCK CHIMES
0:03:15 > 0:03:18HORN BLOWS
0:03:20 > 0:03:22CORK POPS
0:03:27 > 0:03:28STONE CRUMBLES
0:03:36 > 0:03:37EXPLOSION
0:03:40 > 0:03:42HOOVES THUNDER
0:03:59 > 0:04:02CALL TO PRAYER
0:04:09 > 0:04:11WOMAN: Uh-huh.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Hi, Rochelle.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Spasiba. Dosvedanya.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Simon Broughton - our friend at Global Human Rights -
0:04:19 > 0:04:22was arrested two days ago up in Besh-kara.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Oh, fucking idiot! We told him not to go up there.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27I know. They've brought him back to prison here.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I think we should go and see him there, Neil, and soon.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32So that they know that we know.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34It's late. I'll have to call the Foreign Ministry.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35They can get us in.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Isn't Jamatt on the hunting trip with the prez?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Yeah. But I know his cousin.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42- I was going to see Tanya. - I'm sorry.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44But not even Broughton deserves to end up the bunk wife
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- of some Tazbek gang boss. - Although it would give him
0:04:47 > 0:04:49a powerful new insight into human rights abuses.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55A toast to the mighty ibex.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Great symbol of our nation.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02ALL: The mighty ibex! Great symbol of the nation.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11INDISTINCT CHATTING
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Please tell the president that I very much look forward to
0:05:22 > 0:05:25hearing his views on our new helicopter, Jamatt.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26The rabbit never escapes!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29That's right. It never escapes.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32I gather the president has a detailed understanding
0:05:32 > 0:05:34of military hardware.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35HE CHUCKLES
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I couldn't help noticing that the US ambassador isn't here.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I do hope she didn't decline your invitation?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46This is no place for a woman.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Hmm.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30HE SNAPS FINGERS
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Hmm.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06PHONE RINGS
0:07:06 > 0:07:08The ambassador.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11How's it going? Surviving?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Can you talk? Wh-where are you?
0:07:13 > 0:07:17- I'm in prison with Caitlin. - My God! What happened?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19No, it's just a consular visit.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Please don't. We've got the toasts.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Tell me the order of the toasts again.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Didn't you learn them?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Yes, I did. Remind me.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30The first is to the great nation of Tazbekistan.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Yep. Start with an easy one.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- Second is to the president.- Yeah.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Third is the war one - to those who never returned.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Uh-huh. Hang on. "Those who never returned."
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Fourth is to women.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Women - fourth. I always forget women.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Then the president's family.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Yep. No. Wait.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Then nuclear disarmament.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55OK. That's a good one.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Then the mighty ibex. Seventh. Don't forget that one.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00They take that seriously.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Believe me - I won't forget that one.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Finally you toast the huntsmen. And then the horses.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07And then it all starts over.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Have you eaten the ox penis or duck embryo yet?
0:08:10 > 0:08:11What?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Once you're through all that, the end is in sight.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Look...er...can you phone Jennifer
0:08:16 > 0:08:18and tell her I won't be back tonight?
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Er, OK. Isn't that better coming from you?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25I don't want her to hear me like this. I can hardly see.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29No, no, you're right, I'll phone her.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31You phone her. And I'll phone her too.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37What do you make of him?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I like HER.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41PHONE RINGS
0:08:45 > 0:08:48H-hi. It's...it's me.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I'm afraid I may not be able to make it home tonight.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Yeah. I think I suspected that a while ago.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Are you OK?
0:08:56 > 0:09:01We're-we're all being held hostage and slowly killed with vodka.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05If I don't survive this, I want you to know that I love you.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09I will always love you. And you can have my record collection.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12And my Canaries football match programmes.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15When you die, I get everything anyway, don't I?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18THEY SPEAK RUSSIAN
0:09:19 > 0:09:20HE YAWNS
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Still out here?
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Just taking the air.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Have you been sent out, excluded?
0:09:35 > 0:09:39Elmer, you bastard. I will not take this lying down.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42The Elysee Palace will not take this lying down.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Oh, don't be like that!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46C'mon. I'll see if I can get you back in.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47I'll have a word.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50They wanted the names of my local contacts - the people
0:09:50 > 0:09:53who drew up the lists of the missing or those who've been tortured.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- Claim to have. - There's ample proof and you know it.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58My arrest confirms that I was on the right track.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02Simon, we warned you of the possible consequences if you went up there.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04..Shooting your mouth off.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Whole families are being executed or burned in their homes.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09The world needs to know.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Though I'm sure you lot would rather they were kept quiet
0:10:12 > 0:10:14so you can get on with your grubby commercial deals.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Please don't try to tell us what our priorities are.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18They're the same as always, aren't they?
0:10:18 > 0:10:22I am personally hugely opposed to this country's human rights abuses -
0:10:22 > 0:10:23as is Her Majesty's Government.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25HE SCOFFS
0:10:25 > 0:10:28So how long do you reckon until I'm out?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Your charges will be announced soon.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33But you have to understand the limit to our powers, Simon.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35There's an independent justice system here
0:10:35 > 0:10:37which we can't interfere with.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38The days when we could get what
0:10:38 > 0:10:41we wanted by sending in a gunboat are sadly behind us.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44If you're very lucky, they'll make you sweat for a bit,
0:10:44 > 0:10:46then put you on the first flight home.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48HE SIGHS
0:10:52 > 0:10:55(DRUNKENLY) To nuclear disarmament.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02STIFLED LAUGHTER
0:11:07 > 0:11:09No helicopter contracts for them.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11No.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Ha-ha!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Your toast, Excellency.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Ah, yes.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Er...
0:11:24 > 0:11:25To...
0:11:25 > 0:11:27To...
0:11:27 > 0:11:28To women!
0:11:28 > 0:11:30We've done women.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Yes. Of course.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Not-not women. Er, no. Not-not-not them, no.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Erm. To...the president's...
0:11:39 > 0:11:43nuclear...family...of huntsmen.
0:11:47 > 0:11:53To the mighty ibex - that the French man over there shot.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58The mighty ibex.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00ALL: The mighty ibex.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34IN RUSSIAN
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I had coffee with the new US Trade guy this morning.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18He told me that they're definitely out of the running
0:14:18 > 0:14:19on the helicopter contracts.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Yeah, morning, Isabel. I'm fine, thanks.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24So it's just between us and the French.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Yeah. Shall I let the ambassador know?
0:14:26 > 0:14:28No. I think it's much clearer if I do that.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- Then we keep everybody in the loop. - Is he back yet?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33He's still on the president's hunting trip.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- How many days is that now?- Six.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39The president likes to use it as a sort of endurance test
0:14:39 > 0:14:41for new diplomats.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Does the ambassador know that?
0:14:43 > 0:14:44I'm sure he's finding out.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50IN RUSSIAN
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- Neil.- Hello, Keith.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I don't feel quite the full ticket.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Hello, Sergei.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14How are you, sir?
0:15:14 > 0:15:15I'm never doing that again.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20No wonder the US ambassador declined her invite.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22The president didn't invite her.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25He'd never dare put her through that sort of humiliation.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26RETCHING
0:15:26 > 0:15:28I've postponed all your meetings this morning,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30and put a bucket by your bed.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33But I'm afraid you've got a Sec-view with The Prince of Darkness at 2.00.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- He wants to talk helicopters. - AMBASSADOR GROANS
0:15:36 > 0:15:39And we're still waiting to hear what charges will be brought
0:15:39 > 0:15:42against our human rights friend. If he's survived the night.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Let's go. Can't we go? I want to go.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- We're waiting for Natalia. She's meeting Stephen Pembridge.- Huh?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51The actor that the British Council have sent.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53He's here for the Best of British Festival.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55This will make you feel better.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Hair of the dog.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Well, I can't feel any worse.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10I was wrong.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Ah, it's me. Hello.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Mr Pembridge, what an honour it is to meet you.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Thank you. Please call me Stephen. You must be...Natalia?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- Yes.- Nice to meet you.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I hope you don't mind the photographers.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Oh, no, no, no. I'm very used to media attention.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36It's great to meet you.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I'm here to make sure you get everything you need.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Gosh. Lucky me.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44The ambassador has just returned from an important trip
0:16:44 > 0:16:46with the president.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48No doubt some massive diplomatic piss-up.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51No. It's an important opportunity for His Excellency
0:16:51 > 0:16:53to exchange ideas with the president.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Don't pretend to me that you can't get raisins, Ludmilla.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30- No.- Oh c'mon, of course you can.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33There are a whole load of things you can't get in this country,
0:17:33 > 0:17:35but dried fruit isn't one of them.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37What is this Echoes cake you want to make?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40I'm not going to make it, you're going to make it. It's Eccles cake.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41DOOR OPENS
0:17:41 > 0:17:43There you are. Christ, what happened?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45You're five days late.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48I've been detained at His Excellency's pleasure.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- I go now.- No. Now that you're here, perhaps you could persuade Ludmilla
0:17:51 > 0:17:54to embrace our Best of British menu with a little bit more enthusiasm.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56I won't make this pie.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59I am not having plov again.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Oh, don't insult their plov, for God's sake.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03I'll talk to her.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04IN RUSSIAN
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Are you all right? Let's have a look at you.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Sergei gave me a pull-through.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16It tasted like runoff from a nuclear leak.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Hmm. Knowing this place, it probably was.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22What happened? I was worried about you.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25The inside of the plane on the way home was like the last act
0:18:25 > 0:18:28of an Elizabethan tragedy, but with more sick.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Go "ah".
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Aaah.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Just try not to drink for the rest of the year.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- I'm going to have a lie down. - Good idea.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39If Sergei's here, can I get a lift to the hospital?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- Yeah.- Keith, don't go to bed. You're on with POD in 15.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49'The new MH67 Contusion Helicopter carries, as standard,
0:18:49 > 0:18:54'40 Venom HE missiles, 2,000 30mm armour-piercing rounds
0:18:54 > 0:18:58'and has a nose-mounted sensor suite for target acquisition.'
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Why have they sent us a copy of The Living Planet?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03"Viewers are warned that they may find
0:19:03 > 0:19:05"some of the content distressing."
0:19:07 > 0:19:09SENSOR BEEPS
0:19:10 > 0:19:13I fear the target has been acquired.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15RAPID GUNFIRE
0:19:19 > 0:19:20EXPLOSION
0:19:23 > 0:19:26And how many of these machines are we hoping they order?
0:19:26 > 0:19:3135. And my guess is the regime won't be exclusively targeting rabbits.
0:19:31 > 0:19:36Well, at £43 million pounds a pop - no wonder London's keen.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40It's time.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47IN RUSSIAN
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Christ! Davis, what happened to you? A hard night on the plov?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Neil, you're meant to be looking after him.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I've spent the last week buttering up the president.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Er... CLEARS THROAT
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Great to be invited on one of his retreats so early.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18So the helicopter contract is between us and the French?
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Er...y-yes. The last few days of intense lobbying went well -
0:20:22 > 0:20:23I think - went very well.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25As my DipTel this week will make clear.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29All sorts of nods and winks from the president's number two.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Can you show me what one of those nods and winks look like?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Do one for me.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Oh for God's sake, don't be so literal. I'm joking.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Please take this seriously.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I-I know these are serious winks.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57The British helicopters presentation went incredibly well.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Er, we've just been watching the DVD.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Enjoyed watching the rabbit being vaporised from 70 miles away.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Watership Down meets Apocalypse Now.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06And now I've managed to secure Jamatt's
0:21:06 > 0:21:07acceptance of a dinner invitation.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11- Just before the contract is announced.- Jamatt's the number two?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Yes. The president's "representative on Earth." His nephew.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16I will be reiterating the technical superiority of our machine.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20My daughter's hamster knows our helicopters are better than the French ones.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21This is Central Asia - we need to offer them
0:21:21 > 0:21:23the chance of a place at the top table.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I was just coming to that. I'll be impressing on them
0:21:25 > 0:21:29the fact that Her Majesty's Government is vitally interested
0:21:29 > 0:21:32in the security of the president's regime in this difficult region.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- Yes, good.- And that we will do anything to help our new friends
0:21:35 > 0:21:37become more politically secure,
0:21:37 > 0:21:41- as well as increasingly globally economically vibrant.- Yes. Good.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44And my dinner with Jamatt should be the icing on cake.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45And the French?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48No meeting. No icing. No cake even.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52So how will they respond?
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Who?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55The French.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Oh. Er...
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Come on, come on, come on!
0:21:58 > 0:22:00This is a 2 billion helicopter contract.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02- Do you think they'll just shrug and walk away?- No.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05No. They'll respond in their usual way.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09They'll come out kicking, cheating, biting and eye-gouging.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Precisely. And what will your response to that be?
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Well, perhaps if you could send a senior minister out here.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Oh, be sensible. No-one wants to go to Tazbekistan.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20You sound like your predecessor.
0:22:20 > 0:22:25No. We need to win this contract because these 'Stans are the future.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28I want you to get very close to this president, Davis.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Sniff the armpit. But not too close.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33I don't want any embarrassing Blair-Gaddafi handshakes.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Close enough to be able to find out what they want from us,
0:22:35 > 0:22:38and what we want from them - that's the policy - but with enough
0:22:38 > 0:22:41distance to be able to extricate ourselves if things go tits up.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- Gotcha. Close but distant. - That's it.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Michael's often like that with me.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56I always come away better informed, if not actually any wiser.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Er, Neil, I...
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I've been meaning to ask,
0:23:00 > 0:23:02what do you think happened to my predecessor?
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Ah, I don't know. I mean, he was a keen walker.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09But isn't it strange that they never found the body?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Not if you've seen the mountains here.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Someone did say that they'd spotted him in Islamabad,
0:23:14 > 0:23:15dressed as a woman.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19To be honest - knowing him - I don't think we can rule that out.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Erm. I was thinking I should learn to speak Tazbek.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26IN RUSSIAN
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Good idea. Good luck.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Isabel, your key task is to find out what the French are up to on this.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43How are they going to try and sweeten their deal?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46They usually send a minister, 20 bottles of vintage champagne
0:23:46 > 0:23:47and tickets to Roland Garros.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Let's have our Scotch and Centre Court ready.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51I'll talk to the other embassies. Dig around.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54I can point you in the direction of some journalists.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55They always know more than we do.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Right, moving on. Update on the Best of British Festival.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01There's a traditional British dinner in the residence.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I gather Jennifer and Ludmilla are in negotiations
0:24:03 > 0:24:05about what that might actually involve.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08The last thing I heard, Jenny was trying to explain meringues.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Natalia, what other British Food events have we got?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Delia, Jamie, Heston?
0:24:13 > 0:24:17We have a man coming from a company in Kent called Pig Delicious.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19He will show us how a pork pie is made.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I don't want to know that.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Is it wise to invite a pork expert to a Muslim country?
0:24:25 > 0:24:26You can get pork everywhere here.
0:24:26 > 0:24:31The man will also bring with him 15 different types of chutney.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34OK. Great. I like chutney, as much as the next man.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- Any music?- Sting? Adele?
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Finally Iron Maiden? Surely? This time.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Showing your age.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43A group called Rattlebag will come
0:24:43 > 0:24:46and perform English medieval dance music from Gloucestershire.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48That will be very good.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57Shall we change the title to The Best of British Shite Festival?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02And best of all, The British Council have sponsored
0:25:02 > 0:25:06a visit from the great British actor - Stephen Pembridge.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Terrific. What's he been in?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10He's the guy we picked up from the airport.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Oh, that guy.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16He's won numerous Grand Prix, Drama Mask and Golden Curtain awards.
0:25:16 > 0:25:17But what's he going to perform?
0:25:17 > 0:25:22A new version of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. The British Council
0:25:22 > 0:25:24said it was "unlike anything else they have seen."
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Well done, Natalia.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29I know it isn't at all easy coaxing people out to this
0:25:29 > 0:25:30part of the world.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34How's Dad?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36He's fine, darling, he's a bit...
0:25:36 > 0:25:37It's Daisy.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Hi, Dad.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Daisy-Maisy - how's school?
0:25:41 > 0:25:44It's OK, I suppose. How's the life of a top diplomat?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46I don't know. If you can find one, ask him.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Dad, do we have to do that stupid joke every time?
0:25:48 > 0:25:50And I'm not Daisy-Maisy any more either.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53We can't wait to see you at half term, darling.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Look, guys, I don't know
0:25:54 > 0:25:58if I want to go all the way to the middle of nowhere for six days.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00It's not nowhere here.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Can't I just stay in England? With Suze.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Her parents said they'd put me up. They love me. They said yes.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Well, we love you, darling. And we've bought your ticket now.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10So it's not really up for discussion.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Why am I never consulted on this?
0:26:12 > 0:26:15I'm the one that has to schlep out all the way to Pissfana.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Iskfana.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Look, I'd better go and finish my French prep.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21I had to get special permission to do this.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23- It's been real. - Well when are we going to...?
0:26:27 > 0:26:28I miss her.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Even when she's like that?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Yes. She's like that because we're here.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34She's like that because she's 13.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42'80S ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
0:26:42 > 0:26:45You've got no taste in music, Neil.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Thanks for your advice, Kevin.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49When I've got a question about oil, I'll let you know.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55How about this, Neil, to find out what the French are up to?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- In my last post to Madrid, I got to know the French Trade guy.- Right.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02- He trained in Paris with the Head of Consular at the embassy here.- OK.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05- So maybe I should call him? - Yeah. Maybe.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07You see the little guy over there -
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- talking to the Special Forces with the fat neck?- Drinking coffee?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12That's Sam, the French ambassador's driver.
0:27:12 > 0:27:17Why's he drinking coffee, at this time of night, do you think?
0:27:17 > 0:27:19IN RUSSIAN
0:27:20 > 0:27:24Tanya, why is Sam on the coffee and off the Cointreau?
0:27:24 > 0:27:26I think he's going to airport.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30He's going to the airport.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Will you talk to her and make sure she comes out at half-term?
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Yes. Course she will.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40I'm so conflicted on this.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43I really want to see her - I do - but I know that she's going to
0:27:43 > 0:27:46come out here, have a miserable time and then resent me for it.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49No, she won't. We'll, we'll lay on some stuff for her.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50We'll make it fun.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Yeah, but her friends aren't here, and there are no shopping centres.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55What's she going to do?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57There's the circus.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02IN RUSSIAN
0:28:06 > 0:28:07Ah!
0:28:09 > 0:28:11- I thought Sergei fixed this light? - He did.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17Is there any news on my piano? I really want to play it.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21They're tracking the baggage. Apparently it's made it to Cairo.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26I heard you sent a report on the current helicopter situation
0:28:26 > 0:28:28straight to the MOD?
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Yeah, I know Dan Coleridge over there.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34Mmmm. I asked you to run any drafting past me, Isabel. Remember?
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Yes. Sorry. You were at the Foreign Ministry.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41So I ran it passed the ambassador instead. Is that not OK?
0:28:44 > 0:28:46How are you finding it here? This country?
0:28:46 > 0:28:50Fascinating. An adventure. Everything I'd hoped it would be.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52There are some real opportunities here, aren't there?
0:28:52 > 0:28:57The weather's OK now. But it gets to be -40 in the winter.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Yes. And 130 degrees in the summer. I read that.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01It's one thing to read it in the country report.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Quite another to experience just how ball-shrinkingly freezing it is.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06But you love it here?
0:29:07 > 0:29:12It's surreal and bonkers and...beautiful.
0:29:14 > 0:29:15INDISTINCT SPEECH
0:29:15 > 0:29:18I just got a text from Stephen Pembridge.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21He asks if I can "go help him learn lines in his hotel room?"
0:29:21 > 0:29:23Is that an honour?
0:29:23 > 0:29:25At midnight? No, it's not.
0:29:25 > 0:29:30- I'd ignore that text if I were you. - OK. Are you sure? He's our guest.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Yes. But that doesn't mean you have to sleep with him.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37That Isabel looks like a tight-arse.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41You wait, she'll be ambassador to Paris before she's 30.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44What did Budansky want? You gave him money.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48I have to renew my liquor licence. 5,000 to the government.
0:29:48 > 0:29:503,000 in cash to him.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53He'd never dare ask for that much if my brother was around.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55He's from a much-loved family of corrupt officials.
0:29:55 > 0:29:58Natalia had to get a travel visa out of his brother.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00It cost her more than the flight.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03I wouldn't know about that. I've never left Tazbekistan.
0:30:03 > 0:30:07But I have a feeling you're about to take me somewhere.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09Isn't that why you're with me?
0:30:09 > 0:30:11Sure. All the travel opportunities.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14Stay here. It's great here.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17- You're not missing anything. - You're so spoiled.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23This is the room where you will be performing, Mr Pembridge.
0:30:37 > 0:30:45I'm sorry, this room is far too...cribbed. It's all wrong.
0:30:45 > 0:30:47I feel the room coming in on me.
0:30:49 > 0:30:53My productions famously pullulate and teem. They are capacious.
0:30:54 > 0:30:56The Swiss Alps must abound.
0:30:56 > 0:31:00How can I create the professor's laboratory in here?
0:31:00 > 0:31:02Can it be a small laboratory?
0:31:02 > 0:31:04HE CHUCKLES
0:31:04 > 0:31:05No, darling, it can't.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10You saw my production of Wuthering Heights re-imagined in an abattoir.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13- No. I wish I had. - I wish you had too, angel.
0:31:13 > 0:31:17Because then you would realise I can't create worlds in this space.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22I'm sorry.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28Hah!
0:31:43 > 0:31:47Apparently the Secretary of State said my last DipTel was very
0:31:47 > 0:31:49well written - and utterly irrelevant.
0:31:49 > 0:31:53Easy for him to say sitting in Whitehall, cappuccino in hand,
0:31:53 > 0:31:54one eye on the cricket.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56They've just charged Simon Broughton.
0:31:58 > 0:32:02They're accusing you of killing two disabled kids in your car.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05What? I don't even own a car.
0:32:05 > 0:32:09Apparently you hit them as they walked home from school
0:32:09 > 0:32:14on the main Besh-kara road, and then you fled the scene of the crime.
0:32:14 > 0:32:16They're scared of what I know.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18They say they have seven witnesses.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23And the bodies of the two children.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25If you're found guilty,
0:32:25 > 0:32:29the family of the bereaved is allowed to decide the punishment.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31They always choose the death penalty.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39- Can they make it stick? - They can make anything stick.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42I just saw the grieving family outside the justice ministry -
0:32:42 > 0:32:44laying it on pretty thick.
0:32:44 > 0:32:46Hate to see what they'd do if they'd actually lost a child.
0:32:46 > 0:32:50Any wiggle room on this? Pleading guilty to lesser charges?
0:32:50 > 0:32:53What, killing just one disabled kid? No.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56I think you're going to need to talk to Jamatt
0:32:56 > 0:32:57personally about this tonight.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00No. I have to use that window to secure our helicopter contract.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03I can't lobby for a major arms deal at the same
0:33:03 > 0:33:05time as I confront them on their human rights record.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07Sorry to disturb you but I think you should know
0:33:07 > 0:33:10the French defence minister came into town very early this morning.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13I drove out to the airport last night, saw him fly in at 2.00am.
0:33:13 > 0:33:16- A French Airforce C130. - It was definitely Girard?
0:33:17 > 0:33:20That's him. He's a player and a shit. We're screwed.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23This is it, the French biting and cheating.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26- Where did he go? The presidential palace?- Mm-hmm.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28- To see Jamatt or the prez.- Or both.
0:33:28 > 0:33:29Throughout this whole process,
0:33:29 > 0:33:32I've repeatedly asked London to send out a big hitter.
0:33:32 > 0:33:33It's too late to worry about that.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36This makes tonight even more important for securing the contract.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39You're relying on Ludmilla's first attempt at a steak and kidney pie
0:33:39 > 0:33:42and a one-man production of Frankenstein to
0:33:42 > 0:33:43win a 2 billion helicopter contract?
0:33:43 > 0:33:45No, I'm not, Neil!
0:33:45 > 0:33:47I'm saying that Jamatt is the key.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49The president listens to him, not to some French functionary.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51If they've got a minister out here
0:33:51 > 0:33:53that must put them ahead on the helicopters.
0:33:53 > 0:33:54I'm not accepting that.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57The best use of your time tonight is to get Simon Broughton freed.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59- Otherwise they'll execute him. - You don't know that.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01They've done it before. Believe me.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05Thank you, Isabel.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13We can't have this conversation here.
0:34:18 > 0:34:20He's an idiot who brought this on himself.
0:34:20 > 0:34:21And he hasn't even been found guilty yet.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23You're right, he is an idiot.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26But if you don't intervene in some way I think he will be found
0:34:26 > 0:34:28guilty tomorrow, and executed in front of the grieving family.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30We can't allow that to happen.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32This helicopter factory is in the PM's constituency.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34That's the priority.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36Oh, I see.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40I'm sorry - what? What do you see?
0:34:40 > 0:34:42What this is about.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44Oh right, what is it about, Neil?
0:34:44 > 0:34:45NEIL TUTS
0:34:45 > 0:34:47No, please, come on, tell me.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49We've got to spend the next few years together.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52We need to be open with each other. What's it about?
0:34:52 > 0:34:53What's my agenda?
0:34:53 > 0:34:55You're reluctant to confront London on this.
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Oh, am I? And why's that?
0:34:57 > 0:34:59I don't know. You want to stay on the escalator.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02You don't want your next posting to be a secondment to the
0:35:02 > 0:35:04- Greek tax department? - Nor, I suppose, do you?
0:35:04 > 0:35:07Neil, we're all well aware of your fondness for this country,
0:35:07 > 0:35:10- and its women.- What the hell's she got to do with this?
0:35:10 > 0:35:13Despite your snide suggestion, my main concern is
0:35:13 > 0:35:15not in fact my own career - it's my country.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18Why should British factory workers suffer
0:35:18 > 0:35:20because of one self-important idealist?
0:35:20 > 0:35:23Prosperity and security - those are the priorities.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25- We don't make the policies.- I know.
0:35:25 > 0:35:29If you continue to suggest that I prioritise my career - and the soft
0:35:29 > 0:35:32option - over confronting London and ministers, then you're horribly
0:35:32 > 0:35:35wrong, and you and I are going to come to serious blows very rapidly.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37No, I understand. You've been very clear.
0:35:37 > 0:35:41On this particular occasion, you're prioritising Britain's commercial interests
0:35:41 > 0:35:44ahead of human rights, and our anti-death penalty campaign,
0:35:44 > 0:35:47because you think the arms contract will do more good.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49Yes, I do. That's right.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51Because it WILL do more good.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01Natalia, can I just say that I am completely
0:36:01 > 0:36:03underwhelmed by what we've got laid on for tonight.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05Chutney, Morris dancing
0:36:05 > 0:36:09and some fucking poncy actor are not what makes Britain great.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11Tonight had better go like a dream.
0:36:16 > 0:36:18He isn't angry with you, he's angry with me.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20How's it looking for tonight?
0:36:20 > 0:36:23Yes, er...good.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25Where's Stephen? All happy?
0:36:25 > 0:36:27Yes. Er...he just asked to see me.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29OK.
0:36:31 > 0:36:35Natashka, I find myself in a difficult situation about tonight.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38I so want to please you, and perform.
0:36:38 > 0:36:39But I really don't see how I can.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42I know we don't offer all the things you're used to, Mr Pembridge.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45- No, Stephen. Stephen. Stephen. - I know the room is too small.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47I can't perform in a cupboard now, can I?
0:36:47 > 0:36:50It is a real honour to have you here.
0:36:50 > 0:36:54We've all been so excited. I have been excited, most of all.
0:36:56 > 0:36:57Have you?
0:37:00 > 0:37:02Mr Pembridge!
0:37:02 > 0:37:05I-I'm afraid I can't do that.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07So you're not "excited" by me?
0:37:07 > 0:37:10I am. But I can't kiss you, Stephen. I'm married.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13We are very conservative here.
0:37:13 > 0:37:14Compared in England,
0:37:14 > 0:37:17where I know everyone sleeps with each other all the time.
0:37:17 > 0:37:18STEPHEN SCOFFS
0:37:18 > 0:37:20But that is not the Tazbek way.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25I thought something had clicked between us, Natka.
0:37:25 > 0:37:28Please don't pretend it's just me who felt that?
0:37:30 > 0:37:34Perhaps we could go out after the show? You and me.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36Iskfana can be a fun place at night.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41We can have a drink together.
0:37:43 > 0:37:48But I hope I can tell the ambassador that you will be performing tonight.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53All right, darling.
0:37:53 > 0:37:57Let me do my Frankenstein, and afterwards I'll be really
0:37:57 > 0:37:59interested to hear your thoughts on my performance.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02We can pick through it all together.
0:38:02 > 0:38:05And I promise to behave myself.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08Even though every atom of my body wants to fuck you right now.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28It's hardly the Great Exhibition.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33We lost an empire and gained a pork stall.
0:38:33 > 0:38:37It's a far cry from the days of Sir Henry Bartle Frere.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40- Who?- He was High Commissioner to South Africa.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43He started the Anglo-Zulu war on his own initiative.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46- Right. And is that something you...? - Think is good?
0:38:46 > 0:38:50Do I hanker after the days of Old Empire? No, I don't.
0:38:50 > 0:38:51Heady though they must have been.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54But there was a team working together.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56Presumably with murderous consequences.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58Yeah, but making a real impact.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01Are you thinking of declaring war on anyone, Ambassador?
0:39:01 > 0:39:03No, not yet.
0:39:03 > 0:39:07But I know you had a tough time working under my predecessor
0:39:07 > 0:39:11and I'm trying to put the ship in order and find a way to
0:39:11 > 0:39:15balance our slightly differing priorities - where possible.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18FOLK MUSIC PLAYS
0:39:30 > 0:39:32I take it things didn't work out for Sir Henry?
0:39:32 > 0:39:35He fatally misjudged the strength of the Zulus.
0:39:35 > 0:39:38- That old chestnut.- They ate him.
0:39:38 > 0:39:39Really?
0:39:39 > 0:39:43No. He was recalled to London to face charges of misconduct.
0:39:54 > 0:39:59Right, as guest of honour, Jamatt sits next to me.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01Who shall we put on the other side of him?
0:40:01 > 0:40:03The French ambassador?
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Very funny.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07You know he's coming, don't you?
0:40:07 > 0:40:10- What? No.- Yes.
0:40:10 > 0:40:12- Well, who invited him? - You did.- No, I didn't.
0:40:12 > 0:40:16You asked Natalia to invite all the major European ambassadors.
0:40:16 > 0:40:21- Well, she shouldn't listen to me. Can we un-invite him?- No.
0:40:21 > 0:40:25Well, let's make sure he doesn't get a chance to chat up Jamatt.
0:40:25 > 0:40:30Erm. We'll seat him down here by the door.
0:40:32 > 0:40:37So who's next to Jamatt? Someone who can finesse him.
0:40:37 > 0:40:39I know who I'd use.
0:40:39 > 0:40:41She hates him.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44He put his hand on her bum while I was presenting my credentials.
0:40:47 > 0:40:49Ludmilla, you burned those on purpose.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51I shall make plov instead.
0:40:51 > 0:40:52No, we are not serving plov tonight.
0:40:52 > 0:40:56When a man's beard is on fire, another may warm his hands on it.
0:40:56 > 0:40:59- What does that mean? - Darling, hi, how's it going?
0:40:59 > 0:41:02Badly. Ludmilla has deliberately sabotaged the steak and kidney pies.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04And I'm still waiting for the fucking shortbread.
0:41:04 > 0:41:05Diplomatic baggage!
0:41:05 > 0:41:08Half the time it's quicker for the biscuits to walk here.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11Erm, listen, I wanted you to know I've just booked Daisy's ticket
0:41:11 > 0:41:14for her to come and see us at half-term.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16- You have? Oh, that's great. Thank you.- No problem.
0:41:16 > 0:41:20I was just wondering if you could do me a tiny favour in return?
0:41:20 > 0:41:23Diplomacy is just effortless with you, isn't it?
0:41:27 > 0:41:30Maybe I should get a helicopter tattooed on my arse?
0:41:30 > 0:41:32A little reminder to your Mr Jamatt.
0:41:32 > 0:41:34Seeing as that's what this evening is actually about.
0:41:34 > 0:41:37Thank you so much for this.
0:41:37 > 0:41:41I accept that there's a risk of another hand-on-bum event.
0:41:41 > 0:41:43But there's no-one better at this than you.
0:41:43 > 0:41:46Oh, forget helicopters, maybe I should just ask him
0:41:46 > 0:41:49to supply the hospital with some proper drugs?
0:41:49 > 0:41:53Don't do that. Don't do that.
0:41:53 > 0:41:55FOLK MUSIC PLAYS
0:42:05 > 0:42:08INDISTINCT CHATTER
0:42:11 > 0:42:14Thank you so much for coming.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17It's nice to see you.
0:42:17 > 0:42:20LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT SPEECH
0:42:24 > 0:42:26Your Excellency. Lovely to see you again.
0:42:26 > 0:42:29Darling, you remember Marc, the French ambassador?
0:42:29 > 0:42:30- Jennifer.- Marc.
0:42:30 > 0:42:33- You are looking beautiful as ever. - Thank you so much.
0:42:33 > 0:42:35How delightful to be here.
0:42:35 > 0:42:38You're not wearing your furry hunting hat tonight, Elmer?
0:42:38 > 0:42:40Ha. No.
0:42:40 > 0:42:44Petra. Your Excellency. Thank you so much for coming.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47- Delighted to be here. Hello, Jennifer.- Hello.
0:42:47 > 0:42:49- Lovely outfit. - Thank you so much.
0:42:49 > 0:42:53- You know Marc, of course. - Ambassador. How fares the euro?
0:42:53 > 0:42:55- Oh. - HE LAUGHS
0:42:55 > 0:42:58And I hear there is to be some British entertainment tonight?
0:42:58 > 0:43:00Beyond the cooking, that is.
0:43:00 > 0:43:03Yes. Outside you can learn how to make a British pork pie.
0:43:03 > 0:43:07And after dinner, I'm delighted to say that Stephen Pembridge
0:43:07 > 0:43:09will be performing his one-man adaptation of Frankenstein.
0:43:09 > 0:43:11Not him again.
0:43:11 > 0:43:13Haven't the British Council got anyone else they send?
0:43:13 > 0:43:16They put me through his Martin Chuzzlewit in Ankara last year.
0:43:16 > 0:43:18It was longer than sorrow.
0:43:18 > 0:43:21Ha. Um...now, let me tempt you both with an Eccles cake.
0:43:29 > 0:43:32INDISTINCT CHATTER
0:43:33 > 0:43:36I'll see you later.
0:43:36 > 0:43:38I thought Eccles cakes had raisins in them?
0:43:38 > 0:43:41- Where's Sacha Distel got to? - He was around.
0:43:41 > 0:43:43We need to stay on him, Neil.
0:43:43 > 0:43:45He's not with Jamatt.
0:43:45 > 0:43:46Well, where is he?
0:43:56 > 0:44:00Ah, I was looking for the bathroom.
0:44:00 > 0:44:03The pissoir is that way, Excellency.
0:44:03 > 0:44:05Thank you so much.
0:44:29 > 0:44:30Slippery bastard.
0:44:30 > 0:44:32PHONE BEEPS
0:44:40 > 0:44:42THEY SPEAK RUSSIAN
0:44:57 > 0:44:59We're not fucking kidding around, Neil.
0:45:01 > 0:45:02I've got to get back.
0:45:11 > 0:45:13What's this we're eating?
0:45:13 > 0:45:15It's, er, steak and kidney plov.
0:45:15 > 0:45:17HE SIGHS
0:45:20 > 0:45:23So long as it's not an ibex you might have shot.
0:45:23 > 0:45:25HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY No.
0:45:25 > 0:45:28Jamatt, Neil was telling me that you're a father with young children?
0:45:28 > 0:45:30Yes, I have a 18-month-old son.
0:45:30 > 0:45:33Ah, congratulations. That's such a lovely age, isn't it?
0:45:33 > 0:45:35Is that your first?
0:45:35 > 0:45:38In fact, there was something I wanted to ask your advice on,
0:45:38 > 0:45:42- as a doctor and a mother. - Yes, of course. What's that?
0:45:42 > 0:45:46It's about my boy. He gets this rash.
0:45:46 > 0:45:48I don't know how you say it in English.
0:45:53 > 0:45:55CREEPY ORGAN MUSIC
0:45:58 > 0:46:02Ladies and gentlemen, in order to properly reflect the duality at the
0:46:02 > 0:46:07heart of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein I will be playing the part of
0:46:07 > 0:46:11Dr Frankenstein - the experimental chemist.
0:46:11 > 0:46:15At the University of Ingolstadt, I questioned whence did
0:46:15 > 0:46:16the principle of life proceed.
0:46:18 > 0:46:22And I will also be playing the accursed Creature he creates.
0:46:24 > 0:46:27- STUTTERING AND SHRIEKING - Cursed Creator!
0:46:27 > 0:46:32I have g-g-glutted myself with shrieks and m-misery.
0:46:36 > 0:46:39This approach has never before been attempted.
0:46:39 > 0:46:42CREEPY ORGAN MUSIC
0:46:42 > 0:46:46I'm afraid that tomorrow the courts will find your countryman,
0:46:46 > 0:46:50Mr Broughton, guilty of all 25 charges.
0:46:50 > 0:46:52What does that mean? What will the sentence be?
0:46:54 > 0:46:57I'm sorry, we have to make an example of him.
0:47:06 > 0:47:09HE STAMPS AND PANTS
0:47:11 > 0:47:13I am Genovese by birth...
0:47:13 > 0:47:14..and my family...
0:47:14 > 0:47:18..benevolent smiles of pleasure as he regarded me.
0:47:18 > 0:47:20I was their idol.
0:47:20 > 0:47:23I was their plaything.
0:47:23 > 0:47:26A helpless, innocent creature, bestowed on them from heaven.
0:47:26 > 0:47:28FRENCH AMBASSADOR SNORES
0:47:28 > 0:47:30STEPHEN LAUGHS
0:47:31 > 0:47:33HE GROWLS
0:47:33 > 0:47:38I swear by the power of love that b-b-b-burns in my heart.
0:47:38 > 0:47:41I will quit Chamonix for ever.
0:47:44 > 0:47:47Is this revenge for the hunting trip?
0:47:48 > 0:47:51STEPHEN GRUNTS AND GROANS
0:47:51 > 0:47:55Very well. I will create for you this bride.
0:47:55 > 0:47:56HE GASPS
0:47:58 > 0:48:00APPLAUSE
0:48:01 > 0:48:05- No, no, no, no. That's not the end. - That was absolutely marvellous.
0:48:05 > 0:48:07HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
0:48:12 > 0:48:14'Where are they all going?'
0:48:14 > 0:48:17I'm afraid there's been a serious diplomatic incident.
0:48:17 > 0:48:20I travelled 5,000 miles to be here.
0:48:20 > 0:48:22I know, and they're loving the show.
0:48:22 > 0:48:25But a sudden crisis is always a possibility with this crowd.
0:48:25 > 0:48:29- Occupational hazard. - Stephen, that was extraordinary.
0:48:29 > 0:48:31Yes, Stephen, that was amazing.
0:48:31 > 0:48:33Now we must get you out into the Iskfana nightlife.
0:48:33 > 0:48:38Yes. After a performance like that, you deserve a drink or three.
0:48:38 > 0:48:39It did go well, didn't it?
0:48:39 > 0:48:42Do you think my performance went well?
0:48:42 > 0:48:43Oh, yes.
0:48:43 > 0:48:46- HE LAUGHS - Yes, I did it again, didn't I?
0:48:47 > 0:48:49Anyway, what seems to be the big crisis?
0:48:49 > 0:48:52I'd love to be able to tell you.
0:48:52 > 0:48:54Oh, of course!
0:48:56 > 0:48:58- Please.- Yeah.
0:48:58 > 0:49:00Excuse me.
0:49:07 > 0:49:09Oh, God!
0:49:09 > 0:49:11Well done for stopping that.
0:49:11 > 0:49:14You were about to lose all influence in this country for ever.
0:49:14 > 0:49:15I know.
0:49:15 > 0:49:19Jamatt said you were Britain's secret weapon.
0:49:19 > 0:49:22His son's got bad eczema. I prescribed some steroid for him.
0:49:22 > 0:49:26Brilliant. Well done. Dictators are always sentimental about their kids.
0:49:26 > 0:49:29And in return, he has agreed to double my drugs budget.
0:49:31 > 0:49:33Oh, that's great news. Well done.
0:49:35 > 0:49:36Of course he didn't.
0:49:36 > 0:49:39He is arranging for you to see the president tomorrow morning
0:49:39 > 0:49:42for 20 minutes to talk about your nasty helicopters.
0:49:42 > 0:49:44With the president?
0:49:44 > 0:49:47Thank you, darling. You're amazing.
0:49:47 > 0:49:48I am, aren't I?
0:49:56 > 0:49:59So how did it go?
0:49:59 > 0:50:02I think there were many aspects of this evening
0:50:02 > 0:50:04that would have appealed to you.
0:50:04 > 0:50:05Hmm.
0:50:05 > 0:50:08It's not good, Neil.
0:50:08 > 0:50:11Word's gone to the judge for the death penalty on this one.
0:50:11 > 0:50:14They're pushing for beheading.
0:50:14 > 0:50:16Well, we're going to have to fight it, aren't we?
0:50:16 > 0:50:19If they want to - they'll always do it eventually.
0:50:42 > 0:50:45SMACKING NOISE
0:50:49 > 0:50:51Your Excellency.
0:50:51 > 0:50:54Thank you for agreeing to this meeting, Your Excellency.
0:50:54 > 0:50:58You want to talk about your British helicopters, don't you?
0:50:58 > 0:51:02- And tell me they are the best. - HE CHUCKLES
0:51:02 > 0:51:06This is fresh. I killed it this morning.
0:51:06 > 0:51:09CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK
0:51:09 > 0:51:13I will tell you what the French have offered me -
0:51:13 > 0:51:18their vote in my World Cup bid,
0:51:18 > 0:51:2020 million in cash
0:51:20 > 0:51:24and a state visit from their president.
0:51:26 > 0:51:29- Wow. That's a lot of things.- Yes.
0:51:29 > 0:51:33Well, I hope you do choose to go with the British Contusion helicopters,
0:51:33 > 0:51:36because, yes, they really are much better than
0:51:36 > 0:51:38those French flying coffins.
0:51:38 > 0:51:42I know. I know. The rabbit never escapes! Huh?
0:51:42 > 0:51:45- Would you like a cut for your family?- Thank you.
0:51:45 > 0:51:47Ahmed.
0:51:57 > 0:52:01Actually, Jamatt has told me I should grant you a favour
0:52:01 > 0:52:04and reject the French. Choose the best helicopter.
0:52:06 > 0:52:07I hope you do that...
0:52:07 > 0:52:09but, actually, Your Excellency,
0:52:09 > 0:52:12I came here to ask you for something else.
0:52:28 > 0:52:32Neil, hello. Have...have we heard about the helicopters?
0:52:32 > 0:52:37Just been announced. The French got it.
0:52:37 > 0:52:39Oh, no. This stupid country.
0:52:41 > 0:52:43How was last night?
0:52:43 > 0:52:47- Fine. He's an interesting man. - What happened?
0:52:48 > 0:52:52First of all, he tried to tell how to direct opera in Scandinavia,
0:52:52 > 0:52:55and then he stuck his hand up my skirt.
0:52:55 > 0:52:57- I hit him, Neil.- Good.
0:52:57 > 0:53:00- I hit him really hard.- Great.
0:53:00 > 0:53:03Do you want to press a formal complaint?
0:53:03 > 0:53:04- Are you sure?- He's just...
0:53:04 > 0:53:09A complete fucking arsehole. Yes. Well, he's out of here now.
0:53:09 > 0:53:11You were great, Natalia. Well done.
0:53:16 > 0:53:18THUNDER RUMBLES
0:53:26 > 0:53:28GATE SLAMS SHUT
0:53:50 > 0:53:53Simon, you have the ambassador's wife to thank for your release.
0:53:53 > 0:53:54If it wasn't for her intervention,
0:53:54 > 0:53:56you'd be facing a long stretch. Possibly worse.
0:53:56 > 0:54:00I'd happily stay in jail if it brought the world's attention to this terrible regime.
0:54:00 > 0:54:02Oh, don't be ridiculous.
0:54:02 > 0:54:04The Washington Post is hardly going to run a piece
0:54:04 > 0:54:06- on someone who's just been released. - I've had a shit time too.
0:54:06 > 0:54:08I won't be doing an embassy show again.
0:54:08 > 0:54:11My review of your embassy, Ambassador, would read,
0:54:11 > 0:54:14"Unwelcoming, unappreciative and underwhelming. Avoid."
0:54:14 > 0:54:16I'm setting up a press conference the moment I land.
0:54:16 > 0:54:18I'm going straight to the Foreign Secretary.
0:54:18 > 0:54:22Principles and values mean nothing to these people any more.
0:54:22 > 0:54:24Sergei, please pull over.
0:54:26 > 0:54:29You come out to this country expecting Her Majesty's Government
0:54:29 > 0:54:33to pay your way, feed you, get you pissed and drive you around.
0:54:33 > 0:54:36And in return, you give one of the worst performances of anything
0:54:36 > 0:54:40I have ever seen, and molest one of my staff.
0:54:40 > 0:54:43I still have no idea who you really are - apart from some
0:54:43 > 0:54:47monstrously-untalented sex tourist masquerading as a fifth-rate actor.
0:54:47 > 0:54:50And as for you, you shithead, if you want me to take you back
0:54:50 > 0:54:54to the prison, believe me, nothing would delight me more.
0:54:54 > 0:54:57You have no idea what we're trying to achieve on a wider scale here,
0:54:57 > 0:55:01you ignore our advice, and then you expect our busy,
0:55:01 > 0:55:05underpaid, under-resourced, over-worked staff to pick up
0:55:05 > 0:55:09the pieces when you inevitably fuck up and find yourself in the shit.
0:55:09 > 0:55:12So how's this - we help you, you say thank you, and then you clear off?
0:55:12 > 0:55:15Or - if that's beyond you - I'll leave you here
0:55:15 > 0:55:16and you can find your own way to the airport.
0:55:16 > 0:55:19So which is it? Help, thank you, airport?
0:55:19 > 0:55:21Or rude twats, no help, walking?
0:55:26 > 0:55:28Help, thank you, airport, please.
0:55:33 > 0:55:35Never come back here, either of you.
0:55:54 > 0:55:56HE SPEAKS TAZBEK
0:55:58 > 0:55:59Good. Next.
0:56:06 > 0:56:08Only one dwarf - singular.
0:56:11 > 0:56:13Only one of the little fellas.
0:56:13 > 0:56:15DOOR OPENS
0:56:15 > 0:56:17Excuse me, but I thought you'd like to see this.
0:56:17 > 0:56:19Little piece in The Herald Tribune.
0:56:19 > 0:56:22Unfortunately it doesn't say what a tosser Simon Broughton is
0:56:22 > 0:56:24but it does mention your name.
0:56:24 > 0:56:27"British Embassy instrumental in securing release..."
0:56:27 > 0:56:30And people say the world isn't interested in Tazbekistan.
0:56:30 > 0:56:35Oh, and Sergei says that a piano stool has arrived from Cairo.
0:56:35 > 0:56:36But no piano?
0:56:36 > 0:56:38No. Just the stool.
0:56:38 > 0:56:40PHONE RINGS
0:56:40 > 0:56:42Ambassador's office.
0:56:46 > 0:56:48Yes, sir.
0:56:48 > 0:56:49It's POD.
0:56:49 > 0:56:52He says that you owe Britain 2 billion.
0:56:55 > 0:56:58Will you excuse me a moment, Mrs Petrova?
0:57:07 > 0:57:10Your Royal Highness. Welcome to The People's Republic of Tazbekistan.
0:57:10 > 0:57:12No problem. It's very nice to be here.
0:57:12 > 0:57:14Prince Mark is a proven trade envoy.
0:57:14 > 0:57:17You'll find you can just throw me into any diplomatic situation -
0:57:17 > 0:57:18and off I go.
0:57:18 > 0:57:21I've been to China, and it's awful.
0:57:21 > 0:57:23Zarifi is escaping this morning.
0:57:23 > 0:57:24What does he even want?
0:57:24 > 0:57:26- Freedom.- Oh, that!
0:57:26 > 0:57:30All Prince Mark asks for is the top floor of the Four Seasons Hotel
0:57:30 > 0:57:32as befits a VVIP. OK?
0:57:32 > 0:57:34I think it could be dangerous for you, being with me.
0:57:34 > 0:57:36How dare you touch my smoothie.
0:57:36 > 0:57:38- We did the right thing. - No, you did the wrong thing.
0:57:52 > 0:57:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd