0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains strong language
0:00:10 > 0:00:12OK, right, take care. See you again soon.
0:00:12 > 0:00:13Bye-bye.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19CALL TO PRAYER
0:00:20 > 0:00:22TYRES SCREECH
0:00:25 > 0:00:26OK, all right...
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Davai, davai!
0:00:31 > 0:00:32Go!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Urgh!
0:01:00 > 0:01:02DISTANT SIREN WAILS
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Eziz, do we have to go through this every time?
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Yes, we do.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14Here again? I know where we are, I only live down the road!
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Next time I can just pop in.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Oh, hi, Suliman. How's your dad? Still working in Turkmenistan?
0:01:20 > 0:01:24There won't be a next time. Zarifi is escaping this morning.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Really? Again? Like he was escaping last time.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30- And the time before that. - This time we've bribed two guards.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Well, I hope you're right.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35It can't be easy when you're blind.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- He will be in the city by tonight. - And what do you want from me?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41We can hide him, but we cannot get him out the country.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43We need help with that.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Listen, you know we support him, and his campaign.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48So, will you help us get him out the country?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54IF he escapes - I'll talk to the Ambassador about what we can do.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57But it can't be at the cost of the other things we are trying to achieve here.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I think Zarifi's an incredibly brave man. You know that.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Can I get on with my day now?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Don't suppose you could drop me back near the embassy?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Use this phone, for contact.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Classy. Is it secure?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Right. Thanks. Bye.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Cheers, lads. See you next time.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21I'll wait here a couple of minutes
0:02:21 > 0:02:24so that we don't leave at the same time, that might be embarrassing.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32How far down the royal family tree would you have to be
0:03:32 > 0:03:34technically to stop being royal?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37You'd be surprised, Caitlin. Prince Mark is a proven trade envoy,
0:03:37 > 0:03:39which makes his visit a considerable coup for us.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43He was instrumental in securing that Indian tractor deal last year.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47The objective here is to help Anglo Britannia Oil to nail these
0:03:47 > 0:03:48new drilling licences.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52- And Prince Mark is the man to do it. - Who is he?
0:03:52 > 0:03:53I think he's a cousin...
0:03:53 > 0:03:56And just because he's royal let's not all assume
0:03:56 > 0:03:58that he's some ignorant, feckless twit.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Wait until you meet him.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Fuck the fuck off!
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- When did I say yes to this? - PEACOCKS CAW
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- Where is it? - It's in Central Asia.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10The trip has been approved by the RVC and the Foreign Secretary.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Will they send a jet for me like the Saudis do?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15It's first class flights. Air Ukraine.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- You're joking! Treasure, did you know about this?- Yeah.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20I don't want to go.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Fucking birds!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Whatever halfwit introduced them to this house should be shot.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29It was your great uncle, sir, and indeed the Germans did shoot him.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30I know that.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34You like visiting Asia, sir. You like its women.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35And its beaches.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39That's true. And I like those prawn spring rolls they do.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40It might be fun.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Will I be missing anything here? I don't want to miss anything good.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Well, you'd need to cancel opening the
0:04:44 > 0:04:47new special needs sports centre at Weston-super-Mare.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Oh, yes, that's important(!)
0:04:49 > 0:04:51This is from the Ambassador.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54It sets out the objectives of your trip and your two-day itinerary.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00What's the name of the country?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02'Tazbekistan oil is big business.'
0:05:02 > 0:05:04France and the US have all had the CEOs of their
0:05:04 > 0:05:06major oil companies out here in the last six weeks.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I heard from a journalist contact in Washington that the Americans
0:05:09 > 0:05:11plan to send out a four-star general here
0:05:11 > 0:05:14to offer military training campaigns as an added incentive.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16And the French will send Emmanuelle Beart.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Well, we've got something the French and Americans can never have
0:05:19 > 0:05:22or compete with - royalty.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25The Tazbeks love royalty, isn't that right, Natalia?
0:05:25 > 0:05:26We do admire royalty.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28'Huh, excellent.'
0:05:37 > 0:05:39'It's worth pointing out that the'
0:05:39 > 0:05:44godfathers to Prince Mark's son are Jonathan Aitken and Fred Goodwin.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- Shit. Is that true?- Mm-hm.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- Who's the godmother, Myra Hindley? - Sue Barker.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51- Which is somehow worse.- Mm.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Right, Prince's itinerary please.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56There will be a photo opportunity with the Tazbek media on arrival.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Good.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Then, since Monday is Tazbek Memorial Day,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02after lunch, the two of you will drive out to the
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Marikova Women's Gulag to take part in the ceremony there.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Good. Royalty are good at memorials. Nice suits and gravitas.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12This year the President is going to unveil a new memorial
0:06:12 > 0:06:14to celebrate the death of so many women.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16- Celebrate? - Is that the wrong word?
0:06:16 > 0:06:17- "Commemorate" is better.- Oh.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Tuesday night is the big event.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20It's a private dinner in the palace
0:06:20 > 0:06:24and we've lined up all the Anglo-Brit oil head honchos to be there.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26This is where the Prince will officially sit down
0:06:26 > 0:06:29with the President. And where we nail these new licences.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31OK - anything else we need to know?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34The Guardian are still doing stories on the amount of "commission"
0:06:34 > 0:06:35British companies are paying
0:06:35 > 0:06:37the President's family to secure contracts.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- Hmm.- These reports do annoy the President.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42As you know, since the Bribery Act we are obliged to report
0:06:42 > 0:06:44any bribery we hear about.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46So let's try not to hear too much.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49And let's make sure this royal visit goes like a dream!
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Reputations can be made and broken by these visits. Mine and yours.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Oh. Entries for the British Council's Impressions of Britain
0:06:57 > 0:06:59painting competition will be coming in on Monday.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Well done, Natalia. Remind me what the prize is?
0:07:02 > 0:07:06A week at the prestigious Peterborough School of Art & Design.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08In addition, the winning entry will be viewable
0:07:08 > 0:07:10in British Airways transit lounges.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- Good stuff. - Who's the judge?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- Good point. - Prince Mark, Duke of Bath.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Good idea, Isabel. Let's do that.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20'The Prince only smokes
0:07:20 > 0:07:24'Dunhill cigarettes, so please make sure you have 500 of them.'
0:07:24 > 0:07:26He smokes 250 cigarettes a day?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28No, but he likes to take them home with him.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29HE MOUTHS
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Do write all this down.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Now, for his breakfast smoothie you'll need fresh peaches,
0:07:34 > 0:07:37fresh mangoes, vanilla soy milk and fresh orange juice.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Served in a special glass which Mike Treasure,
0:07:40 > 0:07:41his security man, will bring.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Please do not try and substitute freshly-squeezed orange juice
0:07:45 > 0:07:48for purchased freshly-squeezed orange juice, he'll be able to tell.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50The Brussels embassy made that mistake
0:07:50 > 0:07:52last year and he's still talking about it.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Oh, yes, I heard that look.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57You asked for a list, gentlemen, I'm giving it to you.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59You'll find this visit will be far easier and more productive
0:07:59 > 0:08:01if you manage to get things right.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03We will.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06On which note - HRH hates long car journeys,
0:08:06 > 0:08:09so please try and make sure the airport is near the embassy.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11the Prince always travels with a full six-foot ironing board.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- Very wise of him.- It's the only way to get trousers just right.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16That is correct.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19During this trip it is imperative that Treasure is the
0:08:19 > 0:08:22only person who even contemplates ironing his Highness' trousers.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29The Zarifi supporters took me off for another of their
0:08:29 > 0:08:30secret meetings this morning.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Oh. And?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35They're so incompetent it's more annoying than anything else.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Western Governments have been campaigning for
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Zarifi's release for the last six years.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42But the regime has never shown the slightest inclination to free him.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45So apparently, he's escaping today.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47MELODRAMATIC: And this time, they mean it.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Do you think they'll pull it off?
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Where do these keep coming from?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Dunno.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Keep me posted. I'm off to hear Jamatt's trade lies -
0:08:57 > 0:08:59sorry, figures.
0:09:02 > 0:09:07So our export trades last year totalled 14.6 billion.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Which is an annual growth of 8%.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Not the 6.1% you previously announced?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16These are the most recent figures. Updated.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Then I'll send them through to London.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Please thank the President from me for inviting the Prince
0:09:22 > 0:09:23to a dinner at the palace.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25He is very much looking forward to meeting the Prince.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29The President is deeply honoured by the royal visit.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31And may I ask if the President continues to look
0:09:31 > 0:09:33favourably on the Anglo Britannia bid?
0:09:33 > 0:09:37So long as they comply with the usual taxes and fees to the
0:09:37 > 0:09:42Department of Energy team, I'm sure he will look very kindly on the bid.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I'm sure they'll do all that's required.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49I would say though, that there's a lot of scrutiny in the UK
0:09:49 > 0:09:51at the moment over British companies paying significant
0:09:51 > 0:09:55commission or consultancy fees to middle men.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Middle men often directly related to the President.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Do you want the oil contract or not?
0:10:04 > 0:10:05We very much do.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- Zarifi! - Zarifi!- Zarifi!
0:10:22 > 0:10:24For main course I will serve one of my brother's
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Iraqi chickens with potatoes and plov.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Delicious. And dessert?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31- Dates. - Ludmilla, he's a VIP guest.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35- Dates and yoghurt? - He's a member of the royal family.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38OK. I will make the Prince my special awamat balls.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42They're a sort of Arabian flour and syrup ball.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44- Wonderful.- I go now to buy.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Right, I've put the Prince in the main guest bedroom
0:10:49 > 0:10:51and his security guy in the room next door.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Do you know that room's got dry rot? And so has the unfinished extension.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Unfinished yet already decaying. That uniquely Tazbek combination.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03I'm afraid this hasn't been a very happy place, this residence.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04It's hardly surprising.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Given that the previous ambassador was an alcoholic going through a gender identity crisis.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10A great Foreign Office tradition.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Does anyone know what actually happened to Keith's predecessor?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Someone from the Cabinet Office
0:11:18 > 0:11:20thought they saw him recently in Phuket -
0:11:20 > 0:11:22working in a transvestite hammam.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27But technically, he's just missing.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- What was someone from the Cabinet Office doing...?- Jennifer,
0:11:31 > 0:11:35it's wonderful what you're doing to the place. Thank you. You're making it a real home.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Daisy's going to love it when she comes.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38If she ever comes.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46I've managed to get you a copy of the seating plan for the dinner.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50And I'm trying to find out about the US Secretary of State's visit to Kazakhstan.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57These are the addresses of all the British nuclear power stations...
0:11:57 > 0:12:00plus EDP's profit and loss accounts for last year.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04This is the guest list for the Trooping of the Colour.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07And these are the home telephone numbers of Ann Widdecombe
0:12:07 > 0:12:09and Lembit Opik.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25We'll look at this stuff.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Now get out.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45I have asked her five times not to make these.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50I've been asked to apply for a job.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Oh, good. What is it?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Deputy head of cardiology at Barts.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56One of my old professors has set up a new unit.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- Would he give you the job? - I don't know. He might.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01He's asked me to apply.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Good for you, Jen. Would you like to do that?
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Be number two in London's main cardiology unit? Yeah!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Then you must apply.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Er, just leave those, thanks, Ludmilla.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Would you mind going to get some flowers?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Previous man liked swans.
0:13:23 > 0:13:24What if I got the job?
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Well, then we'd have a problem. But we'd work it out.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Well, how?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32I'm not going to be in this country for ever.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34We'd have to travel to each other.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37It would be tough, but people make it work.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Everyone knows doctors get loads of time off.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42It would fuck us up. Loads of marriages
0:13:42 > 0:13:44don't survive this sort of thing.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Yeah, but we would. You've got to apply, Jennifer.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50I can't have my career stopping you doing jobs you want to do.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Apply. And we'll worry about it if you get it.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55OK.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03- OK?- The room looks great.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06I miss the swans a bit.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15MUSIC: "Land of Hope and Glory" played in Eastern European style
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Your Royal Highness, welcome to the People's Republic of Tazbekistan.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35It's a great honour to have you here.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37No problem. It's very nice to be here.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- How was your flight? - Fine, fine. Charming.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- Have you tried Air Ukraine food? - I have, actually.- Yep.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48And no-one told me there'd be a four-hour transit in Kiev.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52- Well, it's wonderful to have you here now. This way.- Thank you.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Erm, here's your bottle of sparkling mineral water, Your Highness.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- A case arrived this morning. - Good.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03One of the ways I help British industry is that
0:15:03 > 0:15:05I insist on using lots of British products all over the world.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07It can make a hell of a difference.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Have you seen the finalised itinerary for the two days?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- Driver, can we turn the air-con up please?- Is up.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Maybe use your window?
0:15:21 > 0:15:22No. It's all bollixed.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Would you like to come to this side?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- Please. - HE CLEARS THROAT
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- Sorry, if I can just... - I'll just come across first.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- If I can just squeeze here...- Yep.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Sorry, excuse me.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Oh, that's, that's just my phone.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- OK.- There we go.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48THEY SIGH
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Erm. This one works now.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- Would you like to come back to this side?- No, this side is fine.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Erm...
0:15:58 > 0:16:00So, did you get a chance to look at the itinerary?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- Yes, of course.- Any questions about it?- No.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07You'll find you can just throw me into any diplomatic situation,
0:16:07 > 0:16:09and off I go.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Great.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Everywhere's the same.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14In a sense.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16But also there are quite a lot of particulars
0:16:16 > 0:16:19that are specific to Tazbekistan.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21- Any decent skirt out there? - Oh. Um...
0:16:21 > 0:16:23I mean, what mark would you give them out of ten?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25The women?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Well, I... I don't tend to mark them.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Erm. They vary, of course.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I'm afraid we're going to have to swap sides.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39OK, of course.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43- No, I...- It's probably best if I...
0:16:43 > 0:16:45If you come first.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- Ow, ow, ow.- Sorry.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Sorry, I think I'm on your foot.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55THEY GROAN AND SIGH
0:17:13 > 0:17:17Well. It's not the Oberoi, but, er, we hope you'll be comfortable here.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22I'm sorry, there must be some mistake.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24You think I'm sleeping here?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Please thank your wife for making such a special effort,
0:17:28 > 0:17:31but you should have been told - I never stay at the embassy.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I stay in The Four Seasons.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Ah. Yes, I'm afraid there isn't a Four Seasons for you.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37What do you mean?
0:17:37 > 0:17:41I mean...there isn't a Four Seasons here for you to stay in.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42It's where I stay.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- Yes. If there is one. - I don't understand.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48There's isn't a Four Seasons Hotel here.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51It will have said in our communications that, er...
0:17:51 > 0:17:53we're delighted to have you here as our guest,
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- at the residence. Aren't we, Jennifer?- Yes.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Sorry, I'm obviously not being clear.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Prince Mark always stays at The Four Seasons.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05- Yes... - Wherever I am - that's where I stay.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Yes, but not... if there isn't one here.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12It doesn't have to be here.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14It doesn't have to be here in the capital.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15It could be by the sea.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18I can travel to it - in a helicopter!
0:18:18 > 0:18:22There isn't a Four Seasons Hotel anywhere in the whole country.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- Anywhere...in Tazbekistan...at all. - What?
0:18:28 > 0:18:29I can stay in one of those ones by the beach.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Well, not really. Tazbekistan is a landlocked country.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35There are no beaches.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36As you know.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38I stay in the Four Seasons.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40I mean, this is hopeless.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Look, I travel the world for Britain and I get paid fuck all for it, OK?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Travel, travel, travel. That's fine by me.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49I suspect I've brought in 100 billion worth
0:18:49 > 0:18:52of business to the UK over the years. Other people who do what I do
0:18:52 > 0:18:56would charge hundreds of thousands of pounds. I can't, because I'm royal. That's fine.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57But all Prince Mark asks for in return is the
0:18:57 > 0:19:00top floor of The Four Seasons Hotel and decent, you know,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03food and drink and service as befits a VVIP.
0:19:03 > 0:19:09OK? That's all I charge. I am UNBELIEVABLY good value for money.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11You're absolutely right, of course.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14But unfortunately, there is no Four Seasons.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16I mean, where will Treasure be?
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Er, just in the room next door.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Is your room as bad as mine?
0:19:25 > 0:19:26TREASURE SIGHS
0:19:26 > 0:19:27I've seen worse.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Christ! Where?
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Aldershot.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33If you'd like to leave your luggage with us, Your Highness,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36I'm sure we can try and make the rooms as comfortable as possible.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39But now it's time to start contemplating your journey
0:19:39 > 0:19:40- to the Women's Gulag.- What?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- Mike, get in here. - I'll be out in a moment.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49What the fuck is going on?! Did you have any idea about this?
0:19:49 > 0:19:53THEY WHISPER: I don't think he knows what country he's in.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Did he just call himself a VVIP?
0:19:55 > 0:19:58He's probably just jet-lagged.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01I'm sure he'll be very effective once he's settled in.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- Open the door.- Yes, sir.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13His Highness has agreed to stay for one night. Since he's here.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Since I'm here.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Can't seem to get the footie results.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38They jam the phones around the President.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Superb.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18PHONE RINGS
0:21:18 > 0:21:19Hello, Neil Tilly.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22RINGING CONTINUES
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Eziz?
0:21:28 > 0:21:29You've got him with you now?
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Come on, Keith, pick up.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Isabel, I can't get the Ambassador. I need to talk to him.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Try Sergei, try any of the royal party,
0:21:41 > 0:21:42I need to speak to the Ambassador now.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Are you sure you want to seek sanctuary in the UK?
0:21:52 > 0:21:58The British are more honest than the Americans. And the French.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Personally I would say yes, but there's an absolute blanket rule
0:22:03 > 0:22:07against giving sanctuary to anyone in our embassies.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08Unless it's life or death.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10If you don't help us that's what this will become.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Your Highness. It is a great honour to meet you.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Thank you for visiting our humble country.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24It is an equal honour to be here. Least I could do.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Bloody brave lot of women.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Please. Let me show you the memorial in more detail.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34It was designed by one of our most talented state artists.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Very clever of you, Keith, to manage to lure a royal
0:22:39 > 0:22:40out to this part of the world.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Been in the offing for months. A simple bridge-building visit.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Of course.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Well, despite His Royal Highness's presence,
0:22:48 > 0:22:51I sincerely hope the new oil packages will end up with the US.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Or we won't be having you round Sunday for the Super Bowl barbecue.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Oh, no. Don't break my heart, Petra.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I keep saying to my oil guys,
0:23:00 > 0:23:03"Do you really want sole drilling rights to this enormous oil field?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06"Because I could be missing out on some very nice hot dogs."
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- SHE SCOFFS - But they do seem infuriatingly keen.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Mmm. We'll see.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15May the country with the largest royal family win.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26NO CONNECTION TONE
0:23:26 > 0:23:28I can't get any of them. All the phones must be jammed.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29PHONE RINGS
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Yes?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Oh, Christ. OK, move him as soon as you can. And keep moving him.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- They think someone's watching the block.- Who, the Secret Police?
0:23:44 > 0:23:45What do we do?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49If we don't let Zarifi in, he doesn't stand a chance.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Shouldn't we wait, talk to the Ambassador, talk to London?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54If we let this man in it could wreck everything.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I've tried London. The Desk can't get POD or the PUS,
0:23:56 > 0:23:57- it's 5am there.- Then we need to wait
0:23:57 > 0:23:59till they get in. Till they get back.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Waiting isn't a choice.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Waiting condemns him.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10How do you find Tazbekistan?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13What I've seen of it, I like.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16What things do you think Tazbekistan could learn from Great Britain?
0:24:16 > 0:24:21There's lots. Because Britain is still the best at everything.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24We have the best soldiers and doctors and spies
0:24:24 > 0:24:26and shipbuilders in the world.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Including submarine building.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30I have a place in the Lake District.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33When I stand in the mornings drinking the tea my man's
0:24:33 > 0:24:37brought me, looking out over the beautiful, mist-laden fields,
0:24:37 > 0:24:40and I see all the busy little people working
0:24:40 > 0:24:44on the land below me - I often think how great Britain still is.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Did you know that in most places in the UK
0:24:46 > 0:24:49one can still safely leave the front door open?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I rarely lock the car,
0:24:51 > 0:24:53secure in the knowledge that a happy
0:24:53 > 0:24:57and armed police force are always nearby.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01You might say I'm biased, but I've been to many, many countries.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03I've been to China, and it's awful.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08- He is a very good envoy, your Prince. - Mm.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10..we have the Queen and James Bond.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27He's a vocal critic of child labour in the cotton fields here.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Yesterday, he managed to escape his house arrest,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32and he's asked us for diplomatic immunity and protection.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Is it OK with you if we put him up here?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38You mean if we decide to take him?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Yes.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43He's already here, isn't he?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Yes.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46Does Keith know?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48He's still at the gulag with the Prince.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50I had to make a decision.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Well, I'm sure you've made the right one.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Mr Zarifi could help me choose some new curtains.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Oh - and he's blind.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05That American Ambassador is a bit of all right, isn't she?
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Yeah?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Bet you fancy her, don't you?
0:26:10 > 0:26:11Don't be ridiculous.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16She can launch her drones over my territory any time she likes.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22I bet she's handy at golf too.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Right. Let's have a look at this. Ready?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31HE WINCES
0:26:31 > 0:26:33OK. OK.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Right, we'll fix this up, and then you need to rest.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44I've had six years with nothing to do but rest.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Now is the time for...
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Shh-shh-shh.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52OK.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54I'm going to give you some drugs for the pain.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- Jen, I think that thing's come back. - Shh-shh-shh.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Neil, what the fuck's been going on?!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Why in God's name did you let him in here?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Because if I hadn't, he'd be dead by now.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16The Secret Police were all over him.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18The President will go testicle-hacking bananas
0:27:18 > 0:27:20when he hears about this.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Why did he choose us?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Why the hell couldn't he have gone to the French?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- Or the Americans?- He said the British are the only nation he trusts.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Huh! First mistake. Does the regime know he's here?
0:27:30 > 0:27:31- The Secret Police?- No.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33- Are you sure? - As far as I can tell.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Well, if they don't now, they will soon. What does he even want?
0:27:37 > 0:27:39I think he just wants...freedom.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43Oh, that? Right, yeah, freedom, great(!)
0:27:43 > 0:27:47This could damage our relationship with the Tazbek regime for ever.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- Do you think we should tell London he's here?- Are you out of your mind?
0:27:50 > 0:27:54I want this Zarifi gone before anyone even knows he was here.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56And for God's sake, keep him out of the way of the Prince.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59That's a car crash waiting to happen.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Apart from freedom, what else does he want?
0:28:02 > 0:28:05He wants to complete his degree, to be free to do that.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08This is the British embassy, not...UCAS!
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Those are perfect trousers.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43- Did he say anything? - Not really.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45He's covered in scars, poor man.
0:28:45 > 0:28:49And I'm pretty sure he's suffering from PTSD. He just needs some help.
0:28:50 > 0:28:51Thanks for looking after him.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57- Is she attached?- She's attached...
0:28:57 > 0:29:00I rarely find myself writing anything.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03INDISTINCT CHATTER
0:29:03 > 0:29:04Or is it Beijing now?
0:29:13 > 0:29:14Ugh!
0:29:14 > 0:29:16Of all the places you've visited, Your Highness,
0:29:16 > 0:29:18which is the one you've hated most?
0:29:18 > 0:29:19FORCED LAUGH
0:29:19 > 0:29:22The only place I've ever visited where I've thought,
0:29:22 > 0:29:24"I really don't want to go back there"...
0:29:24 > 0:29:26is France.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28Mind you, I didn't like Nigeria much either.
0:29:28 > 0:29:32- Erm. Will you excuse me a moment? - Yes.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35I hate the way in France that if you don't speak French -
0:29:35 > 0:29:39like I don't - then you just know you're getting worse service.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41And that's just as true at a royal banquet as it is in one
0:29:41 > 0:29:43of their trattorias.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45I had a terrible meal in France once.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47- Did you?- Mm.
0:29:47 > 0:29:51Well done, Ludmilla. This looks...
0:29:51 > 0:29:54- delicious.- It's one of the reasons I like Toronto.
0:29:54 > 0:29:58It's got all the best aspects of France, but they speak English.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00Oh, yes, I had a wonderful meal there once.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03- Did you?- Your Highness, I've been meaning to ask if you'd do us
0:30:03 > 0:30:07the favour of judging an embassy painting competition we've run.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10I'd be delighted to. I'm on the board of The Serpentine.
0:30:13 > 0:30:14Spasibo, Tanya.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18So what else is there to do in Iskfana on a Monday night,
0:30:18 > 0:30:19- other than drink?- Eat.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22Have you had the borsok at Kopak Restaurant?
0:30:22 > 0:30:23Or the chak chak at Al-Sham?
0:30:23 > 0:30:25The chak chak's the giant Rice Krispie?
0:30:25 > 0:30:28Or have you had chak chak at Kopak, and the borsok at Al-Sham?
0:30:28 > 0:30:31Well, then you've done Iskfana. Unless you like the circus?
0:30:31 > 0:30:33You could go to the circus.
0:30:33 > 0:30:35Are there animals? I hate cruelty to animals.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38Then don't go to the circus. There's the new arts centre.
0:30:38 > 0:30:40Unless you don't like cruelty to art.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44- What about that Italian restaurant? - Never go in there.
0:30:44 > 0:30:45I can see why you come in here so much.
0:30:45 > 0:30:49It's the best place to get drunk and find an oil engineer to shag.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52- Can I get you girls a drink? - Oh, hi, Kevin.
0:30:52 > 0:30:53I was just talking about you.
0:30:53 > 0:30:55- How's life? - Fucking golden.
0:30:55 > 0:30:59Just found a shit load of hydros up near Beshkara this week.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02If that comes good, it's going to buy some nice houses by the lake.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04- Lake Beshkara(?) - Geneva.
0:31:04 > 0:31:08- Drinks, girlies?- Yeah, I'll have a couple of beers.- Couple of beers.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11- And a couple of vodkas. - A couple of vodkas. Tanya!
0:31:16 > 0:31:18CALL TO PRAYER
0:31:21 > 0:31:25You know, I think I am anti the royals in principle.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29Oh. Is it because of the cringe-inducing things they say
0:31:29 > 0:31:31to foreigners and young women?
0:31:31 > 0:31:33No, I don't mind that.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36That's stuff's ghastly of course, but...
0:31:36 > 0:31:38it's more pitiful than anything else.
0:31:38 > 0:31:42And strangely comprehensible given their dysfunctional upbringing.
0:31:42 > 0:31:45Is it...because of the millions they cost us?
0:31:45 > 0:31:47All those expensive flights to play golf,
0:31:47 > 0:31:50and valets to squeeze their toothpaste for them?
0:31:50 > 0:31:52No. I don't mind that either.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54In fact, I think they're quite good value for Britain.
0:31:54 > 0:31:55Oh, OK.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00Is it because you think their very existence discredits
0:32:00 > 0:32:02- Parliament and democracy?- No.
0:32:04 > 0:32:08I know. It must be their terrible, comic dress sense.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11All those blazers, and Barbours and shooting tweeds?
0:32:11 > 0:32:13No.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15I'm anti-them because I don't think
0:32:15 > 0:32:17I want to be someone's subject.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20And their very existence implies a class-divided society, doesn't it?
0:32:20 > 0:32:25- It does.- And that is why I think they should all be shot.
0:32:25 > 0:32:29'Well then we start tomorrow at dawn. The embassy wall.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32'You blindfold him and I'll light his last Dunhill.'
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Da. Da!
0:32:44 > 0:32:47ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
0:34:13 > 0:34:17OK, OK, Tanya. All right, all right. Before you hurt him.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22- Did he ask you for more money? - I'm going to have him killed.
0:34:22 > 0:34:23Yeah! Yeah, good idea.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27Can you call in the British Army for me?
0:34:27 > 0:34:28Sure, yeah, I'll just text them,
0:34:28 > 0:34:33and then once they've sorted out Afghanistan they'll be right over.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35- Can I have a drink now?- Hmm.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45LOUD TALKING AND FOOTSTEPS
0:34:52 > 0:34:58# Oh mists rolling in from the sea My desire
0:34:58 > 0:35:05# Is always to be here Mull of Kintyre... #
0:35:07 > 0:35:09# I need a piss. #
0:35:13 > 0:35:15DRUNKEN SINGING CONTINUES
0:35:15 > 0:35:16TOILET FLUSHES
0:35:19 > 0:35:21Treasure, you pisshead! Where are you?
0:35:21 > 0:35:23Treasure?
0:35:24 > 0:35:25Treash?
0:35:30 > 0:35:31Treasure?
0:35:32 > 0:35:34Oi, Treash, are you in here?
0:35:35 > 0:35:38Treash, you donkey cock! What are you doing?
0:35:39 > 0:35:41You in bed already, you wanker?
0:35:42 > 0:35:44Come on, let's get some women.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46What this dump needs is PUSSY!
0:35:49 > 0:35:50What?
0:35:53 > 0:35:56Why aren't you Treasure? You're a foreigner.
0:35:59 > 0:36:00Where's Treasure?
0:36:03 > 0:36:04Sorry to disturb.
0:36:06 > 0:36:07HE WHIMPERS
0:36:09 > 0:36:10DOG BARKS
0:36:11 > 0:36:15I seek a Tazbeki adventure.
0:36:15 > 0:36:16And women.
0:36:16 > 0:36:18Adventurous Tazbeki women.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25It's a golf ball.
0:36:31 > 0:36:35It's a sign, Treasure. It's a sign.
0:36:53 > 0:36:54What's the matter?
0:36:55 > 0:36:57I'm the one in the bad mood, not you.
0:37:00 > 0:37:04I think it could be dangerous for you. Being with me.
0:37:04 > 0:37:05- SHE SCOFFS - Yeah.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08- Because you lead such a dangerous life(!)- I'm serious, Tanya.
0:37:09 > 0:37:13The Interior Ministry are leaning on me for information.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15Ignore them. They can't hurt you.
0:37:15 > 0:37:16You're a British diplomat.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20They might decide that you're a good way to get to me.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25In which case I'd tell them we fuck occasionally,
0:37:25 > 0:37:27but you have no real feelings for me.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30Maybe we should make that the truth?
0:37:32 > 0:37:34Fine. For our own safety.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41Is this your way to trying to make a distance between us?
0:37:43 > 0:37:46So, you don't have to take me away somewhere?
0:37:47 > 0:37:50Yes, I do this with all my relationships.
0:37:50 > 0:37:52I create a fictional Secret Police threat
0:37:52 > 0:37:54in order to preserve my independence.
0:37:57 > 0:37:59Just...keep an eye out.
0:38:00 > 0:38:01I wouldn't want you to get hurt.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11WOMEN LAUGHING
0:38:18 > 0:38:19HE GROANS
0:38:28 > 0:38:30LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:38:35 > 0:38:36What the hell is going on?
0:38:36 > 0:38:37Meeting locals.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40I'm sorry, but you absolutely cannot have...
0:38:40 > 0:38:42female guests arriving at this hour.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44Don't be such a wet blanket.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46I'll remind you that this is an embassy residence.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48There are other people staying here.
0:38:53 > 0:38:56THEY SIGH
0:38:56 > 0:38:57But I've paid them!
0:38:57 > 0:38:59I don't care. They're leaving.
0:39:04 > 0:39:05Where the hell's your security man?
0:39:06 > 0:39:08PHONE RINGS
0:39:14 > 0:39:17Yeah? Who is this?
0:39:17 > 0:39:20'Treasure here. Unable to ascertain exact location.
0:39:21 > 0:39:23'Require assistance '
0:39:23 > 0:39:25in finding where I am. Over.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28- Well, what can you see? - What can I see?
0:39:28 > 0:39:30Eyeballs on - a house...
0:39:30 > 0:39:32ANIMAL GROANING ..and a cow.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34Oh, right, I know exactly where you are(!)
0:39:34 > 0:39:35I need more than that!
0:39:35 > 0:39:37Correction - it's a camel, not a cow.
0:39:37 > 0:39:41I thought you boys knew how to navigate?
0:39:41 > 0:39:45I will TAB north until I RV with a more distinctive landmark.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47Yeah. Right, you do that.
0:39:47 > 0:39:49And phone me back when you find one.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51And when you do - speak English!
0:39:58 > 0:40:00Who's that?
0:40:04 > 0:40:05Never you mind, gorgeous.
0:40:07 > 0:40:08Just go back to snoring.
0:40:10 > 0:40:13Whisky's gone...
0:40:13 > 0:40:17The women have gone...
0:40:17 > 0:40:19Treasure's gone.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23Can't do anything without him.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31And I don't know where I am.
0:40:36 > 0:40:37HE MOANS
0:40:40 > 0:40:42HE MOANS
0:40:46 > 0:40:48HE MOANS
0:40:57 > 0:40:58PHONE RINGS
0:40:58 > 0:41:00Oh, what?
0:41:06 > 0:41:10This is an act of aggression against the People's Republic of Tazbekistan.
0:41:10 > 0:41:13We need to take him back into custody immediately.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16- Who do you mean?- Amil Zarifi was found guilty of plotting
0:41:16 > 0:41:18against the People's Republic of Tazbekistan.
0:41:18 > 0:41:22Please don't waste my time by denying that you've got him.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24He's not been found guilty as I recollect -
0:41:24 > 0:41:26he's simply been accused.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29Under Tazbek law - to be accused of the crime is to be guilty.
0:41:29 > 0:41:33If he was not guilty, we would not have accused him.
0:41:33 > 0:41:34HE SWEARS IN TAZBEK
0:41:35 > 0:41:37GLASS SHATTERS
0:41:37 > 0:41:41Well, as you know, that's not acceptable by most international standards.
0:41:41 > 0:41:43You are not in the West now, Ambassador.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45You are in Tazbekistan.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47He was found guilty of raping boys
0:41:47 > 0:41:49and stealing a hedge trimmer from a monastery.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51When can we expect him back?
0:41:52 > 0:41:54At the moment he's asleep.
0:41:54 > 0:41:57Why are you risking your career for this man?
0:41:57 > 0:41:59It's a big mistake!
0:42:02 > 0:42:04You're a fucking nightmare.
0:42:04 > 0:42:08I ask only two things of my ambassadors. One - use common sense.
0:42:08 > 0:42:09Two - never surprise me.
0:42:09 > 0:42:12Well, I imagine that those that use their common sense don't
0:42:12 > 0:42:15surprise you. So it could probably just be one thing.
0:42:15 > 0:42:19Look, I think it's fair to say that no-one in London understands
0:42:19 > 0:42:22the importance of Zarifi as the de facto opposition here.
0:42:22 > 0:42:24Oh, yes(!) Oh, that's right(!)
0:42:24 > 0:42:27Thank God we've got you down the line with your astonishing analytical ability(!)
0:42:27 > 0:42:31It's pretty clear that the regime would've executed Zarifi had we not intervened.
0:42:31 > 0:42:35Well, as a result of your actions, we will end up with a situation where they get him eventually.
0:42:35 > 0:42:37But this way we lose the oil contract,
0:42:37 > 0:42:40and you will end up de facto PNG for months.
0:42:40 > 0:42:43PNG here or in London?
0:42:43 > 0:42:44Both!
0:42:44 > 0:42:46We did the right thing.
0:42:46 > 0:42:48No, you did the wrong thing.
0:42:48 > 0:42:51Do you want to end up on secondment to the Nigerian Ministry for Prisons?
0:42:51 > 0:42:53I swear that is what the PUS has in mind...
0:42:53 > 0:42:56And I'm delighted he's following my work so closely.
0:42:56 > 0:42:59Oh, believe me, 206 ambassadors and you're the one he's aware of.
0:42:59 > 0:43:02You and that wet rag in Belgium who starts bleating every time
0:43:02 > 0:43:05the Americans drop a bomb on someone's wedding.
0:43:08 > 0:43:11I fear that Belgium is about to get one of POD's visits.
0:43:11 > 0:43:13One of his special visits.
0:43:13 > 0:43:15Poor chap.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18Apparently the ambassador he went to see in Tblisi last month has
0:43:18 > 0:43:21quit and joined the church.
0:43:32 > 0:43:35Oh, hi. Who are you?
0:43:35 > 0:43:38Amil Zarifi, at your service.
0:43:38 > 0:43:43Good. I think I'll just have my standard travel breakfast.
0:43:43 > 0:43:48Two poached eggs, mushrooms, spinach, bacon, tomato, toast.
0:43:48 > 0:43:50Have you got any kippers?
0:43:50 > 0:43:52No.
0:43:52 > 0:43:53Well, don't worry this time.
0:43:53 > 0:43:55Can you look at me when you're talking to me, please?
0:43:55 > 0:43:57And a pot of tea.
0:43:57 > 0:44:00Oh, shit! Fuck! These are the pictures I've got to judge.
0:44:00 > 0:44:04My schedule here is absolutely relentless.
0:44:04 > 0:44:07God, I've got a headache the size of Yorkshire.
0:44:07 > 0:44:10And a mouth like a spaniel's arsehole.
0:44:10 > 0:44:12Which one would you choose?
0:44:12 > 0:44:18Yeah, I know what you mean, they're all terrible. Never mind.
0:44:18 > 0:44:20Just get on with the brekkie would you?
0:44:20 > 0:44:24Well, I'm certainly not choosing the one with a policeman beating up the black.
0:44:24 > 0:44:26I hate art that thinks it's profound.
0:44:26 > 0:44:30Yes, I think I'll choose the one with the Queen playing golf.
0:44:30 > 0:44:32And it looks like a commemorative stamp, which is good.
0:44:36 > 0:44:39Did you just drink my smoothie?
0:44:39 > 0:44:41You just drank my smoothie!
0:44:42 > 0:44:46I've had a lot of bad treatment in embassies all over the world
0:44:46 > 0:44:51- but, Jesus Christ, this takes the proverbial fucking biscuit. How dare you!- I am sorry.
0:44:51 > 0:44:54Look at me when you talk to me! How dare you touch my smoothie!
0:44:54 > 0:44:58I think it was mine. I have been in prison many years.
0:44:58 > 0:45:00I'm not surprised to hear it.
0:45:00 > 0:45:02I've got a good mind to send you back there.
0:45:02 > 0:45:05No, I will never go back. They can kill me.
0:45:05 > 0:45:07I have escaped now
0:45:07 > 0:45:11and I will do all I can to bring down this regime while I still live.
0:45:11 > 0:45:15What? Sorry, who are you?
0:45:42 > 0:45:44Couldn't we just get him out the country?
0:45:44 > 0:45:47Very hard. As soon as he steps outside of the embassy they can arrest him.
0:45:47 > 0:45:50The embassy car doesn't offer him immunity.
0:45:50 > 0:45:52And if by some fluke we managed to get him out,
0:45:52 > 0:45:55you'd be thumbing your nose at the regime here. They'd never forgive you.
0:45:55 > 0:45:58- That's not necessarily true. - Isn't it? Why not?
0:45:58 > 0:46:00Strong-worded posturing like this is the standard
0:46:00 > 0:46:03mode of communication for the regime. We know this.
0:46:03 > 0:46:07- In public pronouncements they only deal in black and white. - This feels stronger than that, Neil.
0:46:07 > 0:46:09I said we should have waited to talk to London.
0:46:09 > 0:46:13I'm afraid we're going to have to hand him back. Horrible choice.
0:46:13 > 0:46:14But it's the lesser of two evils.
0:46:14 > 0:46:16You know what this means for Zarifi?
0:46:16 > 0:46:19Yes, I know what it means! You should have thought of that before you brought him
0:46:19 > 0:46:23- into the embassy.- So he was wrong to trust us. Maybe he should have gone to the French for help.
0:46:23 > 0:46:26- Maybe they wouldn't have let him down like this.- Take it easy.
0:46:26 > 0:46:29- Shut up, Isabel. You've been in this country for ten minutes...- Hey...
0:46:29 > 0:46:32- You shouldn't feel bad about your decision to bring him in.- I don't!
0:46:32 > 0:46:34Right, I'm ending this meeting.
0:46:34 > 0:46:38I feel bad we're failing to protect an innocent man, and to stand up to the leadership.
0:46:38 > 0:46:42- It's the only language they understand. They'll laugh at us!- I don't agree with that.- Oh, really(?)
0:46:42 > 0:46:45Right, enough. I've made my decision. Zarifi goes back.
0:46:45 > 0:46:47End of conversation, end of meeting.
0:46:47 > 0:46:50We have to deal with the world as it is, not as we'd like it to be.
0:46:50 > 0:46:54It's a horrible emotional decision, I know. But we're not doing meetings like this.
0:46:54 > 0:46:56I won't have the two of you in conflict.
0:46:56 > 0:47:00You're too important to operations here. Don't make me send one of you home.
0:47:06 > 0:47:08And these kids can be as young as eight,
0:47:08 > 0:47:10working in the fields up to 12 hours a day?
0:47:10 > 0:47:13And the pesticides burn their skin.
0:47:13 > 0:47:18All on two dollars a day? I have T-shirts from here.
0:47:18 > 0:47:21I'm going to throw them away.
0:47:21 > 0:47:24These chinos are probably made with cotton that drained the Aral Sea.
0:47:24 > 0:47:27I can't wear them any more.
0:47:27 > 0:47:29It is time to visit the carpet factory.
0:47:29 > 0:47:33I need to change my trousers first. I'm disgusted by this!
0:47:37 > 0:47:40Come on, Treasure, we're off.
0:47:41 > 0:47:42Hello.
0:47:42 > 0:47:44One emergency travel document.
0:47:44 > 0:47:47Oh, Treasure, you haven't lost your passport again?
0:47:47 > 0:47:49Sorry to have been a...you know...
0:47:49 > 0:47:51Last time, it eventually turned up in Liz Hurley's bidet.
0:47:51 > 0:47:55Thank you so much for helping him. You're a wonder.
0:47:55 > 0:47:58You're clearly the one who keeps this place ticking over.
0:47:58 > 0:48:00So sorry to have been such a pain.
0:48:00 > 0:48:02Give your e-mail address to Treasure
0:48:02 > 0:48:05so that I can invite you to one of my garden parties.
0:48:05 > 0:48:08And I'm going to tell your ambassador that you're a wonder,
0:48:08 > 0:48:10and insist that he gives you a pay rise.
0:48:10 > 0:48:13Oh, thanks(!) Did you find your trousers?
0:48:13 > 0:48:14Treas!
0:48:14 > 0:48:16They were on the gates.
0:48:16 > 0:48:18Treas.
0:48:19 > 0:48:21Come on.
0:48:23 > 0:48:26Neil, I want you to draw up an action plan whereby
0:48:26 > 0:48:28we can hand Zarifi over with the minimum of fuss.
0:48:28 > 0:48:30Me?
0:48:30 > 0:48:32- Yes.- When?
0:48:32 > 0:48:33Probably sometime tomorrow.
0:48:33 > 0:48:36And where does that leave us for the President's dinner tonight?
0:48:36 > 0:48:40It leaves us in the shit. there's absolutely no chance that the President will turn
0:48:40 > 0:48:42up to the dinner after what's happened.
0:48:42 > 0:48:44If that's the case we can kiss the oil contracts goodbye.
0:48:44 > 0:48:46Can the Prince not help us to smooth the waters?
0:48:46 > 0:48:49Are you fucking joking? What with? His boorish manners(?)
0:48:49 > 0:48:52His condescending attitude to everyone who crosses his path(?)
0:48:52 > 0:48:55Or perhaps with his unbelievable, infuriating,
0:48:55 > 0:48:57towering sense of entitlement?
0:48:57 > 0:48:58I think that's a no(!)
0:48:58 > 0:49:01Of course it's no. The man's a walking liability.
0:49:01 > 0:49:05His visit's been a disaster. If I could get rid of him sooner than tomorrow, I would.
0:49:05 > 0:49:07I will find out which painting he's chosen as winner.
0:49:07 > 0:49:09I will complete my report on Jamatt's new trade figures.
0:49:09 > 0:49:12It'll be on your desk by tonight, Ambassador.
0:49:14 > 0:49:16DOOR SLAMS
0:49:16 > 0:49:19Are you and Isabel going to be become an issue for me?
0:49:19 > 0:49:21No. She was just wrong today.
0:49:21 > 0:49:23And she's been going round me to you.
0:49:23 > 0:49:27Well...she's allowed to be wrong, Neil. You're not. I'm not.
0:49:27 > 0:49:30She's very smart, and she's trying to impress.
0:49:30 > 0:49:34But she hasn't got your experience. You need to channel her energies.
0:49:34 > 0:49:36I know. I will.
0:49:36 > 0:49:39Don't let her make you so angry again.
0:49:47 > 0:49:50Why hasn't the President turned up?
0:49:50 > 0:49:53No doubt delayed by some important matters of state.
0:49:53 > 0:49:57Well, it's time for my speech.
0:49:57 > 0:50:00There's a few things I want to get off my chest if that's OK?
0:50:00 > 0:50:03Well, of course. But please do be aware of local...
0:50:03 > 0:50:05Sensibilities.
0:50:06 > 0:50:08HE COUGHS
0:50:08 > 0:50:13Ladies and gentleman, I've never been to, erm, Tazbekistan before...
0:50:23 > 0:50:25I have to meet royalty.
0:50:27 > 0:50:29Your Excellency, I was just saying I've never been to
0:50:29 > 0:50:34Tazbekistan before. I had no idea what to expect -
0:50:34 > 0:50:38but I must say this country has completely won my heart.
0:50:38 > 0:50:42I had the most fascinating visit to a carpet factory this afternoon.
0:50:42 > 0:50:46And your women are some of the most beautiful I've ever seen.
0:50:47 > 0:50:51But there is one thing about my visit that has upset me.
0:50:53 > 0:50:55Here we go.
0:50:55 > 0:50:59It's the constant sniping by a load of whinging left-wing
0:50:59 > 0:51:03journalists who poke their fat noses into how this country charges
0:51:03 > 0:51:06"commission" on its business affairs.
0:51:06 > 0:51:11What do they know about how to run a country? Nothing.
0:51:11 > 0:51:14And they make it very hard for British businessman to do
0:51:14 > 0:51:16British business here.
0:51:16 > 0:51:21They turn an easy par three into a long par five with the wind against.
0:51:23 > 0:51:26They could all do with a year in a Tazbek jail.
0:51:33 > 0:51:35Thank you.
0:51:39 > 0:51:43Ask the Prince to join me upstairs in my private rooms afterwards.
0:51:43 > 0:51:46I certainly shall, Your Excellency.
0:51:48 > 0:51:51And the terrorist Zarifi...
0:51:51 > 0:51:53you can take him to Britain.
0:51:53 > 0:51:55Do what you like with him.
0:51:56 > 0:51:59Bravo! Bravo!
0:52:01 > 0:52:04Bravo! Bravo!
0:52:05 > 0:52:06Well...thank you.
0:52:10 > 0:52:12Good night?
0:52:12 > 0:52:14How was Mark?
0:52:14 > 0:52:17Got lots of apologising to do to ethnic minorities and women?
0:52:17 > 0:52:19He was very good, actually.
0:52:19 > 0:52:25Erm...amazingly, the President has agreed to free Zarifi.
0:52:25 > 0:52:28He's being allowed to fly to the UK next week.
0:52:28 > 0:52:30Wow! Well done.
0:52:30 > 0:52:32How was your day?
0:52:32 > 0:52:37Yeah, yeah, it was fine. I sent off my job application.
0:52:37 > 0:52:39That's good.
0:52:39 > 0:52:41Hope they turn me down.
0:52:41 > 0:52:42Me too.
0:53:14 > 0:53:19Yeah, nostrovia! No, fucking seriously, you've got to get a place in Sunningdale.
0:53:19 > 0:53:21I can fix it for you.
0:53:21 > 0:53:23Let me send you a contact for my estate agent.
0:53:23 > 0:53:27Man's a genius. What's your e-mail?
0:53:27 > 0:53:29HE LAUGHS
0:53:29 > 0:53:31THEY LAUGH
0:53:31 > 0:53:35I'll get my people to e-mail your people.
0:53:35 > 0:53:39Do you know what my favourite TV show is? It's British.
0:53:39 > 0:53:40No, what?
0:53:43 > 0:53:45Last of the Summer Wine.
0:53:45 > 0:53:47I love that show. I love it!
0:53:47 > 0:53:48You do?!
0:53:48 > 0:53:50"Ooh, Nora!"
0:53:50 > 0:53:52HE LAUGHS
0:53:52 > 0:53:56"Ooh, Nora!" Why did the BBC end it?
0:53:56 > 0:53:58Why?
0:53:58 > 0:54:03Don't ask. Place full of lefties covering up paedo scandals.
0:54:05 > 0:54:08After we watch this, I want to talk to you about how disgusting
0:54:08 > 0:54:10- the cotton fields are in this country.- Huh?
0:54:10 > 0:54:12LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE THEME
0:54:12 > 0:54:14All those children working there.
0:54:14 > 0:54:16I know. It's bad.
0:54:17 > 0:54:20You've got to try and stop it, old chap.
0:54:21 > 0:54:23Yes.
0:54:24 > 0:54:27Oh, is this the episode with June Whitfield?
0:54:27 > 0:54:29She was in many episodes.
0:54:29 > 0:54:31THEY LAUGH
0:54:31 > 0:54:33Yeah. You really know the show.
0:54:33 > 0:54:35Look! Look!
0:54:35 > 0:54:36HE LAUGHS
0:54:41 > 0:54:43That...that is a nice property.
0:54:43 > 0:54:44In Guildford.
0:54:44 > 0:54:47I like the mirrored dance floor in the kitchen.
0:54:47 > 0:54:49Minister, can I say one thing?
0:54:49 > 0:54:51I was surprised that you let Zarifi go.
0:54:51 > 0:54:54We're pleased to see the back of him.
0:54:54 > 0:54:57For years, every Western government has been nagging us about his imprisonment.
0:54:57 > 0:55:00It even prevented the European Union signing a trade deal.
0:55:00 > 0:55:04Of course we had to kick up a fuss when you took him in but...
0:55:04 > 0:55:06You let him escape on purpose.
0:55:06 > 0:55:08How dare you even suggest such a thing(!)
0:55:13 > 0:55:16By the time you come back, hopefully they'll have built some
0:55:16 > 0:55:17better hotels.
0:55:17 > 0:55:18I'm never coming back.
0:55:18 > 0:55:21But I think you'll find that not only have Anglo-Brit Oil
0:55:21 > 0:55:24secured the new oil packages, but Warwick University have
0:55:24 > 0:55:27agreed to have my new pal Zarifi to do a Masters in International Law.
0:55:27 > 0:55:29That's wonderful! Thank you.
0:55:29 > 0:55:32Yeah, I love Warwick. It's where I went.
0:55:32 > 0:55:34It was your idea?
0:55:34 > 0:55:37Yup. I think he'll have a terrific time there. I did.
0:55:37 > 0:55:39The Avon. Stratford. Golf.
0:55:39 > 0:55:42Well, thank you, Your Highness. It's been wonderful having you here.
0:55:42 > 0:55:45You've achieved more than we could have dreamed.
0:55:46 > 0:55:49Oh, Jessica, I think I might have left some Clinique body
0:55:49 > 0:55:51lotion in the bathroom. It's quite a full pot.
0:55:51 > 0:55:53Right. Well, I'll have it sent on.
0:55:53 > 0:55:56Thanks. Great. Hope I wasn't too rude about the place.
0:55:56 > 0:55:58No, not at all. It is a shithole.
0:55:58 > 0:56:02Maybe I'll see you both at your next posting. Ciao.
0:56:05 > 0:56:10He may be a five-star arsehole, but, my God, he's effective!
0:56:22 > 0:56:24Here's a tricky one.
0:56:36 > 0:56:37KNOCK ON DOOR
0:56:37 > 0:56:41The President just made a speech banning the use of child labour on the cotton fields.
0:56:41 > 0:56:45Wow. Amazing. Good old Zarifi.
0:56:46 > 0:56:49Was this also due to Prince Mark?
0:56:49 > 0:56:51They got pissed together.
0:56:51 > 0:56:54Of course. Nice one, Mark.
0:56:54 > 0:56:56Proper diplomacy.
0:56:58 > 0:57:03CONTINUES LANGUAGE LESSON
0:57:05 > 0:57:07What in the name of all that is holy is going on in your country?
0:57:07 > 0:57:10No sooner has Prince Charming nailed us the oil contract,
0:57:10 > 0:57:12you let the whole place burst into flames.
0:57:12 > 0:57:15Have you at any time handed any classified documents
0:57:15 > 0:57:17or information to anyone you shouldn't have?
0:57:20 > 0:57:24I want to make improvements to my breasts. They need some work, eh?
0:57:24 > 0:57:27- Erm, well..- The opposition is led by a man called Oybek Yerzhan.
0:57:30 > 0:57:33I think you're going to have to go and meet him.
0:58:00 > 0:58:04Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd