0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Ground floor perfumery stationary, and leather goods, wigs
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# and haberdashery, kitchenware and food. Going up...
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# First floor telephones, gents' ready-made suits, shirts, socks
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# ties, hats, underwear, and shoes Going up... #
0:00:29 > 0:00:30Don't move.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34It is a thing of beauty.
0:00:34 > 0:00:39- You reckon?- Oh, yes, a generous cut can hide a multitude of sins.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Not that you look as though you need that. Do you mind?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Oh, yes, very impressive.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47You're like me, aren't you?
0:00:47 > 0:00:48I very much doubt it.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Narrow waist.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54See, I'm lucky because the women on my mother's side
0:00:54 > 0:00:56have always been very hippy,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59whereas I can get away with a bolero jacket and low riders.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02But as Captain Peacock says,
0:01:02 > 0:01:05"Snake hips are for the dance floor, not for the shop floor."
0:01:08 > 0:01:10I have no idea what you're talking about.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14And don't worry about the sleeves, they'll ride up with wear.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Mr Humphries, are you free?
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Not at the moment, Captain Peacock,
0:01:17 > 0:01:20I'm just negotiating an indigo double-breasted.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Oh, yes, good morning, sir.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Some people find the double-breasted old-fashioned
0:01:27 > 0:01:29but I prefer the word "classic".
0:01:29 > 0:01:32I was just about to say that.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34This is my jacket.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35It certainly is, sir.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Mr Humphries, I believe you have a sale.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Oh, well, you can't wrestle with fate,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43although goodness knows I've tried.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48- Would you like to walk this way? - No, you don't understand.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50This is my jacket.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51It belongs to me.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I'm Richard. I'm supposed to start work today.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- Which department?- Menswear.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Oh, no, quite impossible. I'm head of Menswear.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04And as you would be under myself I would know about that.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Strictly speaking, he'd be under me and I'd definitely know about that.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Strictly speaking, he would be under Mr Grainger,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13so perhaps he should be our next port of call.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Mr Grainger, are you free?
0:02:16 > 0:02:20At the moment, Captain Peacock,
0:02:20 > 0:02:26but I've just heard there's an under-21s Italian football team
0:02:26 > 0:02:27on the ground floor.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31So I'm just rearranging my underwear.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35It's always the quiet ones.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39I was given a job by Mr Rumbold.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Mr Rumbold, yes, that would explain matters.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44What is your full name?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- Richard Conway.- Now, Mr Humphries,
0:02:46 > 0:02:48would you supply Mr Conway with a new suit.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Mr Grainger, take his inside leg measurement, would you?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Mr Humphries tends to make a meal of such things.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Miss Brahms, your attention to the job in hand, if you please.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Sorry, Mrs Slocum, but did you just see that?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10- See what?- That boy.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Just gave me a wink.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Somebody call the police!
0:03:14 > 0:03:18No, I'm just saying, he can't be more than 21, 22.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Oh, it gets worse.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I'm looking for a man, not a boy.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Quite right, Miss Brahms.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Mind you, he was fit.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28What?
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Fit?
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Daley Thompson is fit, Jimmy Connors is fit.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36If it's a young man's appearance you're commenting on,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39please try and use the correct vernacular.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41The correct what?
0:03:43 > 0:03:44I like the word "dishy".
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Who's Jimmy Connors?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Who's Jimmy...? Who's Jimmy Connors?
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Only the greatest tennis player that ever breathed.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I don't like tennis.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I like Jim Kerr, do you know Simple Minds?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00No, but I work with a few.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06So, did you fancy him, then?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Back in the day, this Jimmy Connor?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Connors.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Not half.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Centre Court, Wimbledon, 1977.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I thought all my birthdays had come at once
0:04:17 > 0:04:19when I caught one of his balls.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25You were lucky.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28All the security they have these days I don't think you can get that close to them.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Oh, no... Ooh.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Give all this a wipe down with a cloth, will you?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- What do you think you're doing? - You told me to wipe everything down.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Not with those.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- Why not, they're cloths, ain't they? - Certainly not.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48They're my perfumed intimate lady wipes.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I bring them from home.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Intimate? They're like dishcloths.
0:04:57 > 0:05:02Put them away and go and get a can of Pledge from Mr Harman and mind your own business.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Where did Stephen go?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Now, Mr Grainger, you'll get shot.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08It may be Stephen at the golf club,
0:05:08 > 0:05:10but on the shop floor it's Captain Peacock.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13I don't play golf.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Don't play any sports.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17You surprise me.
0:05:19 > 0:05:25I don't know why we have to call each other Mr This and Mr That.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Grace Brothers should move with the times.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30It's 1980...
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Eight!
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Thank you. Yes, I was saying,
0:05:39 > 0:05:45I'm all for showing respect but after all it is 1980...
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- What was it?- Eight!
0:05:47 > 0:05:49It's 1988!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51There's no need to shout.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55It's 1988!
0:05:55 > 0:06:00Grace Brothers should have a much more relaxed approach.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Yes, well, if you were any more relaxed you'd need a defibrillator.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- I'm sorry?- Nothing.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Don't be facetious, Mr Humphries.
0:06:09 > 0:06:15I'll have you know that at my bridge club my nickname is Flash.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Yes, I dread to think why.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Well, I'm sorry, Captain Peacock, but Mr Conway was hired in your absence.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29What do you mean, absence?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31I haven't had a day off since 1972.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34No, no, not your absence from Grace Brothers,
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I mean your absence from my sister's barbecue.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40What on earth are you talking about? I've never met your sister.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Are you sure you haven't had a day off since 1972?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I could have sworn you were on the staff Spanish jolly in '77.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Clearly, I meant apart from scheduled holidays.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Look, I'm sorry, Stephen,
0:06:51 > 0:06:54but a couple of weeks ago my wife and I were at my sister's barbecue when
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Mrs Rumbold shared a whole pork tenderloin with Lulu, her Chihuahua.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Honestly, eyes bigger than her belly.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05I wouldn't say that, I've always thought Mrs Rumbold had rather beautiful eyes.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I was talking about the dog.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13- Oh, I beg your pardon.- Anyway, she started to choke and couldn't breathe.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Well, we tried everything until young Richard dashed over and put
0:07:16 > 0:07:17his finger up her bottom.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Good lord, I hope Mrs Rumbold is recovered.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29I was talking about the dog.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Yes, I see.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Rather an extreme action but an old veterinary trick, apparently.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34Loosens the jaws.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Handy to know if you're ever bitten.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43You mean by a dog?
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Well, I don't mean by Mrs Rumbold.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Anyway, poor Lulu would probably have choked to death so we asked young Richard if there was any way
0:07:50 > 0:07:51we could thank him.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55He said he'd been looking for a job for almost a year and, well, you can work out the rest.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57But not in Menswear, Mr Rumbold.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00We are a finely balanced team.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Couldn't you put him in Ladies Shoes and let him climb his way up?
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Young Mr Grace is very keen to drag the first floor into the '80s.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11A reasonable request considering we're almost in the '90s.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- Now, was there anything else? - Not at present, Mr Rumbold.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Well, very good, enjoy the rest of your day.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Well, let's start with the basics.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30Do you have any experience working on a shop floor?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Do you want the short answer or the long answer?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34The short one, the days here are long enough.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- I have.- Oh, well, that's a good start.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43What was the long answer?
0:08:43 > 0:08:47I have...no experience working on a shop floor.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Oh, dear.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52You're not going to say anything, are you?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- I need this job.- Oh, don't worry, I'm very good at keeping secrets.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57I was in the Wobbly Wand Club.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- Excuse me?- It was for younger boys who weren't old enough to join the Magic Circle.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I used to have this floating ball which used to leave the
0:09:05 > 0:09:07other boys in my class open mouthed.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- There's no answer to that. - Exactly, so my advice would be,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15don't let on you don't have any previous experience
0:09:15 > 0:09:17and any questions, just come to me.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Do you have any questions?
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Yeah, the one by the counter, is she married?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Which one do you mean?
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Which one do you think I mean?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Well, they're both a fair bit older than you.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32One's older than me, the other one's older than everyone.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38I don't know, rumour has it Mr Grainger once shared a party wall with King Herod.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43But if you mean Miss Brahms, you'll have to ask her yourself.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Is she into younger guys?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I've no idea, but she's no easy pickings.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51We had a Mr Lucas work here once and he was forever trying to stamp her
0:09:51 > 0:09:53receipt, if you know what I mean.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55- I don't get it. - No, neither did Mr Lucas.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03I've seen bigger bristols on a middle-aged man.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Mr Harman, do you mind?
0:10:06 > 0:10:07Not at all.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11She seems to be missing her raspberry ripples.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16I'll keep an eye out for them if you want.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Disgusting. State your business on the shop floor or leave immediately.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23I need a few of them Grace Brothers bags,
0:10:23 > 0:10:25the big shiny ones with the string.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26Certainly not.
0:10:26 > 0:10:31Grace Brothers bags are for bone fide purchases only.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34They have had a buffet in Perfume.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38They've launched a new ladies fragrance this morning called Belly!
0:10:38 > 0:10:41We had a right laugh at that down in Maintenance.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I wonder what the next one'll be called.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Bingo Wings?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47B-E-L-L-E.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49It's French for "beautiful woman".
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Not that an ignoramus like you would know of such things.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55I may be an ig-ro-namus but this afternoon
0:10:55 > 0:11:00I'll be an ign-ro-namus with a load of posh leftovers.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05Topside of beef, lobster, caviar, the lot.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- Lobster?- Yeah.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- And caviar?- That's what I said.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14So, do I get some of them bags or not?
0:11:16 > 0:11:21Miss Brahms, two large Grace Brothers bags for Mr Harman.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28I've not had lobster since Mr Akbar's flat warming.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32and then it was covered in so many spices my pussy had a sneezing fit.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Two large Grace Brothers bags.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- Thank you.- So you're going to bring some of that buffet here?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43After all the names you've called me?
0:11:43 > 0:11:44You've got to be joking.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47And it's ig-NO-ramus.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Do you ever go to the cinema?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Excuse me.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58I could take you up the Regal one night.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02'Ere, are you chatting me up?
0:12:02 > 0:12:03I'm old enough to be your...
0:12:04 > 0:12:06..big sister.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07I'm just trying to make friends.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09What about Mr Humphries?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Bet you haven't offered to take him up the Regal.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17So what do you say, Shirley?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19No, thank you.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21And you're supposed to call me Miss Brahms on the shop floor.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24All this Miss Brahms, Mr Conway...
0:12:24 > 0:12:26This place is stuck in a time warp.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29My sentiments exactly, Mr Conway.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Sorry, Mr Grainger.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34We are here to work, Miss Brahms.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Yes, Mr Grainger.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37I run a tight ship.
0:12:38 > 0:12:43But I'm not without compassion when it comes to affairs of the heart.
0:12:43 > 0:12:49After all, it was on this very shop floor I met Mrs Grainger.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Really?
0:12:51 > 0:12:57Oh, yes. I was waiting for the lift to go up to Soft Furnishings.
0:12:57 > 0:13:03The doors opened and she stepped out.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06I remember it like it was yesterday.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Aw!
0:13:08 > 0:13:11I wish it were tomorrow, I'd take the bloody stairs.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Young Mr Grace to see you, Mr Rumbold.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Send him in, Miss Lloyd. This might be a good time for you to take your
0:13:22 > 0:13:24optional ten minute recess, Miss Croft.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Thank you, Mr Rumbold.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29I'm going to get a cheese and pickle roll from the canteen, do you want anything?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Oh, no, thank you, Miss Croft.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Well, if you change your mind and fancy a roll, I'll be upstairs.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38Well, if he doesn't fancy it I might.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Bertie, you old devil!
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Mr Grace, a pleasure as always.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Now, come on, Bert, what have I told you about calling me Mr Grace?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Old habits die hard.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49At least it's not Young Mr Grace, remember when people used to call me that?
0:13:49 > 0:13:53An affectionate term for your grandfather, I'm sure you're thought of in the same manner.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Now, can I get you some tea, biscuits?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57No, thank you, I've just had a cappuccino,
0:13:57 > 0:13:59followed by a massive brownie.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Well, I hope you flushed it twice, that cistern has a mind of its own.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08How are you getting on with the new Amstrad?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Amstrad?
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Oh, oh, that Amstrad.
0:14:11 > 0:14:16I thought you meant a different...Amstrad. Oh, you know,
0:14:16 > 0:14:19slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20I don't know what that means,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22but it might all go a little less slowly if you were to plug it in.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27We've had it plugged in, it's got all the bells and whistles.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29It's a desktop computer, it's not Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Yes, no, what I mean was it's very impressive.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35399 quid's worth of kit, should be.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Yes, yes, quite. Really?
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Now, I'll get straight to the point.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42I've spent the last three years bringing Grace Brothers back from the brink.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46I've just fended off a huge takeover bid which would have put three
0:14:46 > 0:14:49million quid in one pocket and three million in shares in the other pocket.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51And you know what I need now?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Bigger pockets?
0:14:54 > 0:14:58I need to drag the first floor into the 20th century and we can start by
0:14:58 > 0:15:01getting the filing system computerised.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04I will try harder with the...Amstrad.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Perhaps Mr Conway can give me a few pointers.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- Mr Conway?- The young chap we've just taken on in Menswear.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Oh, yeah, Richard.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12That was a great idea.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15You brought the average age of the first floor down by about 20 years
0:15:15 > 0:15:17when you took him on.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20It's just the other dinosaurs we need to shift now.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22I thought Grainger had retired?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Oh, he had, he came back to Grace Brothers
0:15:24 > 0:15:26to spend less time with wife.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Captain Peacock showing any signs of hanging up his hat?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Captain Peacock? Oh, no, running the first floor is his life.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36I'm not here to support people's lifestyles,
0:15:36 > 0:15:38I'm here to run a department store.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I can assure you a ship needs a captain at the wheel.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Why have cabin boys running around
0:15:42 > 0:15:45when you can have a deck covered in seamen?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52PHONE RINGS
0:15:55 > 0:15:58PHONE RINGS
0:16:00 > 0:16:02PHONE RINGS
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Grace Brothers, Ladies' Fashions,
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Miss Brahms speaking, can I help you?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Mrs Slocombe, are you free?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15It's Mr Akbar on the phone for you.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16Mr Akbar? Yeah. On the phone?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- Yeah.- For me?- Yes!
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Whatever for?
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Hello? Oh, hello, Mr Akbar, what can I do for you?
0:16:27 > 0:16:28You're phoning from where?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Oh, what on earth are you doing there?
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Why, what's happened?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Oh, Bloody Nora. Miss Brahms, quick, me bag.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40Is everything all right?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42I've got to nip home, cover for me.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Oh. Ooh.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50Oof.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58No, honestly, I think Sir's made the right decision.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Deerstalkers are definitely on their way back.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Although it's quite warm out so if you were thinking of wearing it
0:17:03 > 0:17:07today I'd keep your flaps up or you'll be in danger of overheating.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Mr Humphries, are you free?
0:17:13 > 0:17:14I'm free!
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Could I speak with you for a moment?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Mr Humphries, are you having problems with your feet?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Oh, it's these shoes, Captain Peacock.- What's the matter with them, are they the wrong size?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32No, they're my mother's.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35I beg your pardon?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I'm breaking them in for her.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40She's got this wedding to go to on Saturday and these are new.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Oh, you should have seen her tottering around the conservatory like Tina Turner.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51You are wearing women's shoes on the shop floor?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54They're a very low kitten heel, Captain Peacock.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Mr Grainger's built-up shoe is much bigger.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Take them off.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Yes, Captain Peacock.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Now then, tell me, when did you last see Mrs Slocombe?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12THEY MOUTH
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- Hmm?- Sorry, Captain Peacock.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18I'm not sure, just a few minutes ago, I think.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21It's hard to tell, we've had such a run on deerstalkers.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Oh, really, how many have you sold?
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Just the one.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Hardly a run.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Well, a walk of a thousand miles starts with one step.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Not in those shoes.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Anything else, Captain Peacock?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Yes, how is Mr Conway settling in?
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Oh, he's a natural.
0:18:43 > 0:18:48Extremely keen, loving the work and 100% committed to the job.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- And where is he now? - He's on a fag break.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55We do not have fag breaks, Mr Humphries.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59We have a morning and afternoon ten-minute optional recess.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Oh, well, I see, then he's on an afternoon ten-minute optional recess.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07- And when is he due to return?- Oh, he shouldn't be long, he's only nipped out for a fag.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13PHONE RINGS
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Grace Brothers, Menswear.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Mr Grainger speaking.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Oh.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Captain Peacock, are you free?
0:19:27 > 0:19:30I have a telephone call for you.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Who is it, Mr Grainger?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34I think it's Mr Rumbold.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38But I'm afraid I need syringing again.
0:19:38 > 0:19:43I could open a candle factory with the amount of wax in my ears.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Grace Brothers, Menswear, Captain Peacock speaking.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Peacock, Rumbold here.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Just to let you know, young Mr Grace has called a meeting
0:19:56 > 0:19:58in my office in 20 minutes.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00No, Miss Croft, it's not long enough to go in there.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Don't keep tugging at it so hard, you'll end up pulling it off.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Is everything all right, Captain Peacock?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11It's no use sitting there with your mouth open,
0:20:11 > 0:20:13I need to get the thing up and running.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Mr Rumbold, shall I call you back?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Sorry, Stephen, Miss Croft and I are just struggling with my hardware.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23I gathered that much.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26So, that's all key members of first floor staff
0:20:26 > 0:20:27in my office in 20 minutes.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Very good, sir.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Let's leave it there, Miss Croft.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Why don't you have a fiddle with it this afternoon when I have my nap?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Oh!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Glass of water for Mr Grainger.
0:20:51 > 0:20:56Finally, I know some of you think I spend my days playing golf and my
0:20:56 > 0:20:58nights frequenting West End strip clubs.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01And can I just say, I highly recommend it.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06But that aside, I do like to keep an eye on my family's department store
0:21:06 > 0:21:08from time to time, you know?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Just to prevent it from being run into the ground after nearly 100
0:21:11 > 0:21:13years of successful trading.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15To do that we need to move with the times.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18And of all the departments the first floor is stuck somewhere between the
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Roman Empire and the Black Death.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- HE LAUGHS - That's very good.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32I'm going to bring Men's and Ladies' Fashions kicking and screaming into
0:21:32 > 0:21:341988 if it kills me.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Or you, I don't mind which.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37And that's all for now.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Any questions, I'll be spending the rest of the day
0:21:39 > 0:21:42working my way around the store. Thank you very much.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I don't know about you but I found that hugely inspirational.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Did he say he was going to kill one of us?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Just one thing, Miss Brahms, I can't see your HoD.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01I'm not wearing one.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05No, I mean your Head of Department, Mrs Slocombe.
0:22:05 > 0:22:11- Erm...- I believe Mrs Slocombe is on an afternoon ten-minute optional recess.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Either that or she's just nipped out for a fag.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Oh, OK, jolly good.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Back to work, everyone.
0:22:19 > 0:22:25Stephen, would you mind chumming me back down to the first floor?
0:22:25 > 0:22:29I'm a bag of nerves since that death threat from young Mr Grace.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36You did what with Mrs Rumbold's dog?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I wouldn't recommend it, but it did the trick.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41It stopped the poor little thing from choking to death.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43And it stopped my old man nagging at me
0:22:43 > 0:22:45to make more effort in trying to find a job.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Well, I've heard of pulling your finger out, but that's ridiculous.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Yeah, they're wicked. I'll take them.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56I've got two pairs left in your size.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57You want to take them both?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- I'm not sure.- You're losing him.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06I know. I'm trying to close the sale but I'm running out of options.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Wait there, I'll call for backup.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Ooh, great jeans.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- Thanks.- They're a really good...
0:23:17 > 0:23:19What's the word I'm looking for?
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Fit.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23Yeah, I'll take both pairs.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26No problem.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30Here we go. How do you like them apples?
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Oh, what's this?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34It's all the grub from the ground floor, innit?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- Is that caviar? - It certainly is, my son.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40It's not all seafood, is it?
0:23:40 > 0:23:43We had a very nasty accident in Yarmouth with a tray of whelks,
0:23:43 > 0:23:46a bottle of vinegar and a pair of crotchless tights.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Mother's never been able to look a crustacean square in the face again.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Where has all this food come from?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- Ground floor.- Well, I'm afraid it will all have to be returned.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Oh, Captain Peacock, please can we have some?
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Out of the question.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Food can only be consumed on the shop floor
0:24:05 > 0:24:08if part of a recognised promotion.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Well, it's no skin off my nose.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11If you don't want it,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14I'll be very happy to leave my leftovers
0:24:14 > 0:24:16to the overnight security boys.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Just one moment.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Were you asked to throw all this food out, Mr Harman?
0:24:21 > 0:24:26Technically, but is there really a difference between throwing it down
0:24:26 > 0:24:30the waste chute and throwing it down my gullet?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33What a delightful turn of phrase he has.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I must say, Captain Peacock,
0:24:35 > 0:24:39it does seem a terrible waste to throw good food away in here.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Oh, please, Captain Peacock.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44And anyway, there is a promotion in the store.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Bazooka Brassieres.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47And it's dead quiet on the floor.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Very well, I shall allow it.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Nice one.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Mmm, this is lovely, what a treat.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Where's old frosty knickers, then?
0:25:01 > 0:25:06She'll be kicking herself if she misses all this.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- HE CHOKES - Oh!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10What is it, Miss Brahms?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12It's Captain Peacock, he's choking.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Don't worry, I know what to do!
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Miss Brahms, avert your eyes!
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Don't be so stupid!
0:25:23 > 0:25:26HE GRUNTS
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Oh, Captain Peacock, are you all right?
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Mr Harman, get all this food off the shop floor immediately,
0:25:40 > 0:25:44- do you understand? - Yes, Captain Peacock.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48Oh, Lord, will this day never end?
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Mr Grace.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Having a late lunch, Stephen?
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Far from it, Mr Grace.
0:25:55 > 0:26:01A short first aid demonstration for the younger and less experienced
0:26:01 > 0:26:03member of staff.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Less experienced in choking on a whole lobster tail?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09I would never doubt the enthusiasm of youth,
0:26:09 > 0:26:13but with a senior member of staff on the shop floor one can always
0:26:13 > 0:26:15guarantee the three Ds.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Diligence, Duty and Dignity.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Bloody hell!
0:26:34 > 0:26:37It's the creature from the Black Lagoon.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41What have you done with Mrs Slocombe, you beast?
0:26:43 > 0:26:44Mrs Slocombe, where have you been?
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Sorry, Captain Peacock, I had a call from Mr Akbar.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51He said it was an emergency. The main waste outlet to all the flats
0:26:51 > 0:26:55had been bunged up with a build-up of my intimate lady wipes.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04There'd been some sort of explosion of waste.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06My flat's knee-deep in sewage.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Couldn't you just call a plumber and come back to work?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13It's a disaster area, everything is caked in muck.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16It'll take a whole bottle of Vosene to clean my pussy.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21What did she just say?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Be quiet, Mr Conway.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Mrs Slocombe's cat, Tiddles.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Tiddles? Oh, my God.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34Mr Conway, please, a modicum of respect.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Mrs Slocombe wins prizes every time she shows her pussy.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Mrs Slocombe, go and clean yourself up in the staffroom immediately.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48I was going to do that,
0:27:48 > 0:27:51but I'd been ages and I knew Miss Brahms would be busting for the loo.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53She wasn't the only one, by the look of things.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55BOTH: Mr Conway!
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Miss Brahms, go with Mrs Slocombe, will you?
0:28:00 > 0:28:03And when you have fulfilled your ablutions I shall see you upstairs
0:28:03 > 0:28:08in Mr Rumbold's office and I can assure you heads are going to roll for this.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13And I'll see you in Rumbold's office as well.
0:28:13 > 0:28:14Heads are going to roll.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Maybe one more than you think.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Poor Mrs Slocombe.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24What a terrible mess.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28I can only imagine what an appalling state her pussy is in.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Oh, pull yourself together!
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Sorry, Captain Peacock, I hope this isn't a bad time,
0:28:43 > 0:28:45but would it be possible for me
0:28:45 > 0:28:47to take my ten-minute afternoon optional recess?
0:28:49 > 0:28:52I could do with giving my mother's shoes one last stretch.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Oh, just go!
0:28:55 > 0:28:58It's like rats leaving a sinking ship.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Thank you, Captain Peacock.
0:29:11 > 0:29:12Oh, good afternoon, young man.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14- Can I help you? - Yeah, my mate was in here earlier,
0:29:14 > 0:29:17bought some really cool 501s.
0:29:17 > 0:29:21- 501s?- Yeah, 501s.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23Oh.
0:29:23 > 0:29:24Mr Conway, are you free?
0:29:26 > 0:29:28Yeah, I am, as it goes.
0:29:31 > 0:29:32Hello, mate. Are you being served?
0:29:36 > 0:29:39# Ground floor perfumery stationary, and leather goods, wigs
0:29:39 > 0:29:42# and haberdashery, kitchenware and food. Going up...
0:29:47 > 0:29:51# First floor telephones, gents' ready-made suits, shirts, socks
0:29:51 > 0:29:54# ties, hats, underwear, and shoes Going up...
0:29:59 > 0:30:02# Second floor carpets, travel goods, and bedding, materials, soft
0:30:02 > 0:30:06# furnishings, restaurant and teas Going down...
0:30:11 > 0:30:14# First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits, shirts, socks
0:30:14 > 0:30:17# ties, hats, underwear and shoes Going up...
0:30:22 > 0:30:26# Second floor carpets, travel goods and bedding, material, soft
0:30:26 > 0:30:29# furnishings, restaurant and teas Going down! #