0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Ground floor - perfumery Stationery and leather goods
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Wigs and haberdashery Kitchenware and food - Going up!
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# First floor - telephones Gents' ready-made suits
0:00:20 > 0:00:24# Shirts, socks, ties, hats Underwear and shoes - Going up!
0:00:29 > 0:00:32# Second floor - carpets Travel books and bedding
0:00:32 > 0:00:36# Materials, soft furnishing Restaurant and teas - Going down! #
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Morning, all.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Mr Harman, as Captain Peacock isn't here, I feel it is up to me to tell
0:00:47 > 0:00:50you that I don't want you on the floor at this time in the morning.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54My wife will be pleased to hear that. She is a very jealous woman.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59HE SINGS TO HIMSELF
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Who told you he was short-sighted?
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Orders from above.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07To enhance the sale of the costume all-purpose spectacles, they
0:01:07 > 0:01:10are to go on display at all possible occasions.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11And you are on commission.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Oh, hang on a minute. Here, try those on.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17How do I look?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Oh, yes, people will respect you wearing those.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- They make you look important. - I'll have them.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Mr Harman, get off the floor.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27On second thoughts, you can have them.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Mrs Slocombe, Mr Humphries,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31you should know better than to gather centre floor for a chat.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34As a matter of fact, we was discussing why you were late.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Yes, we was worried about you, wasn't we?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39We were about to phone the hospitals and the police station.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41And Battersea Dogs' Home.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44It is just eight minutes past nine. Hardly cause for panic.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47That spectacle display should have been ready first thing.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I'm sorry, Colonel. Would you be looking for a new pair yourself?
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Or will you be sticking to your normal Neville Chamberlains?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55I shall be looking for a new member of packing
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- if you don't leave the floor. - Just going, my lord.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59PHONE RINGS
0:02:01 > 0:02:02- DEEP VOICE:- Menswear.
0:02:03 > 0:02:08Oh, Mrs Peacock. Yes, yes, he's here. It's for you, Captain Peacock.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Yes?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14I have until five o'clock to decide. We agreed that.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Yes, well, I can't speak in front of my staff.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Don't all stand there gaping. Get back to your counters.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28The other side.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Well...
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I can't talk now. I have to go. Goodbye.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Captain Peacock, normally I would acquiesce with your command to
0:02:38 > 0:02:42return to my counter but if you are in any trouble, and I am
0:02:42 > 0:02:47unanimous in this, I would like you to know that we are all behind you.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49I'm not in any sort of trouble.
0:02:49 > 0:02:54If you're not, why is that muscle in your neck twitching?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- I repeat, I have no problems whatsoever.- I wouldn't say that.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01- Rumbold's on the warpath. - Peacock?- Yes, Mr Rumbold?
0:03:01 > 0:03:05It is well after opening time and I find you wearing your hat and coat.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I can only conclude that you are late and setting a very bad example.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11If I may speak, Mr Rumbold, Captain Peacock isn't late.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14He was modelling this hat and coat for a customer.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16But it is his hat and coat.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Yes, he was showing the customer how well they wear.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24- Well, where is the customer?- They have gone away to think about it.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30I'm sorry but you have been late three times this week
0:03:30 > 0:03:32and a fourth time would have meant a severe reprimand.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Oh, what poppycock! We are not still at school, you know.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40Really, Peacock, I won't be spoken to in that manner in front of the staff.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43And neither will I. And if you continue to get up my nose,
0:03:43 > 0:03:45I shall be forced to mention the number of days
0:03:45 > 0:03:47you leave early by the back entrance.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Peacock, you are pushing my patience to its limits.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Really?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I may seem a good-natured person
0:03:53 > 0:03:56but I must warn you I am capable of blowing my top.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Judging by appearances, you have already blown it.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03I really don't think senior management should
0:04:03 > 0:04:06engage in this kind of exchange in front of counter staff.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Don't mind us, we are enjoying it.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I shall expect an apology before I leave.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Will that be at 5pm or are you slipping out early again?
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- That will be all. Get back to your places.- You told him.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Oh, do you know, I am really proud to be on your floor.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26I may not be on this floor much longer.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27I am thinking of making a change.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Don't say that. It wouldn't be the same without you.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31PHONE RINGS
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- DEEP VOICE:- Menswear.
0:04:36 > 0:04:41Accounts? Yes, Miss... Miss Bagnold. Just a moment.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42Captain Peacock?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47This is rather a private matter, if you wouldn't mind.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Come along, everyone, away from the phone.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52I told you not to phone me.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Yes, yes, she knows everything.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Well, almost everything.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01No, no. I haven't made up my mind one way or the other.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Listen, I think
0:05:03 > 0:05:06it was most unwise of you to get a position with this firm.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11We can be near each other after hours.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15No.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19No, I am not leaving the floor. Now, Edna, you must not come down here.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Now listen, I am putting the phone down now.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Now, please, do not ring me again.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29I hope none of you heard that.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30ALL: Pardon?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33I said I hope none of you heard that.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- Of course not. - Which Miss Bagnold was that?
0:05:36 > 0:05:40I expect the new one in accounts with the big knockers.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42I hope this tittle-tattle doesn't go any further.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Oh, don't worry, you can trust us.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Well, I...
0:05:47 > 0:05:50I have a slight problem but I'm sure I can...
0:05:50 > 0:05:51I can settle it all right.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53I would be obliged if you didn't mention it again.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- It's rather delicate. - Mum's the word.- I hope not.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58PHONE RINGS
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Yes, who is it this time?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Oh, Mrs Peacock.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09You don't want to disturb him? No. But you want to know what?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Are you on or off for tonight?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Tell her I haven't made up my mind.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Hello? Whatever it is, he hasn't made up his mind.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21You'll be here at five o'clock anyway?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23She has hung up.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27I take it you're not on the best of terms with Mrs Peacock.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29That is correct. Now, if you don't mind,
0:06:29 > 0:06:32let us continue with our business as normal.
0:06:33 > 0:06:38Oh, poor Captain Peacock. I thought he was under a strain.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- You can always tell when a man's got something worrying him.- How?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43He looks furtive.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Well, what do you think is up?
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Well, it's clear that he has got a problem at home.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- And not for the first time.- Oh.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58What about this Miss Bagnold from the accounts? She only joined this week.
0:06:58 > 0:07:04- Yes, well, obviously he has known her before.- Oh!
0:07:04 > 0:07:10Do you mean known in the biblical sense? Or just socially?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Oh, well, nowadays it's the same thing.
0:07:13 > 0:07:18But obviously she is preying on his mind.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20I wonder who he is thinking about now.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22His wife or Miss Bagnold?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I sincerely hope it is his wife.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30But when people get to middle age, you know, they get desperate.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33They feel their youth escaping,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36the chill wind of autumn has started to blow.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Well, I know that's how I felt.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45And did you kick over the traces when you felt the chill wind of autumn?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48No. I bought some thick knickers.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Stephen. Psst.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55I must talk to you.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- Not now. - I'm not leaving until you do.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Oh!
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Mr Humphries, are you free?
0:08:04 > 0:08:05I'm free.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Would you take the floor for a moment?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11I have to discuss a matter with a member of the accounts department.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Did you see that?
0:08:26 > 0:08:27It's like Dallas.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31He is asking for trouble.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34If you ask me, he has got it. The lift's stuck...
0:08:34 > 0:08:36The lift's stuck between floors.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40- What's going on? - More like what's going off?
0:08:40 > 0:08:44No, no, I mean generally, between them.
0:08:44 > 0:08:45He hasn't confided in me.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Obviously, he's thinking about leaving home for this other woman.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51She has only come to light since she joined accounts to be near him.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52And I expect, like most men,
0:08:52 > 0:08:56he doesn't mind a bit of shilly-shally on the side.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58As long as it is away from home.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Or away from work.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Oh, some men like it at work.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07You denied everything when they fired Mr Bentall.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11We all denied everything when they fired Mr Bentall.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13The point is that Captain Peacock's in a bit of a spot
0:09:13 > 0:09:15and I think we ought to stick by him.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Yes, but if he won't confide in us, what can we do?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Well, we'll find an opportunity to have a chat with him
0:09:20 > 0:09:23and assess his situation and try and advise him the best way we can.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24What a good idea.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Now, see, I'll sit next to him in the canteen and draw him out.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31You lot pretend to be chatting amongst yourselves.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33It's probably just a passing crush this woman has got on him.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35It will all be over by coffee time.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45I think it's going to take a bit longer than that.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Captain Peacock, would it help to have a woman's opinion?
0:09:54 > 0:09:58Don't talk to me about women. I have had women up to here.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59I've never seen one that tall.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Be quiet.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02No, I mean about your problem.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I mean, it is clear that you
0:10:04 > 0:10:07and Mrs Peacock aren't getting on as well as might be at the moment.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Are you surprised? We have been married for over 30 years.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Well, you are bound to have your ups and downs.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16I mean, my marriage had its ups and downs for years.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19In fact, for the last few, there were hardly any ups at all.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24I'm afraid... I'm afraid mine has got to the point where
0:10:24 > 0:10:28I have either got to go now or stay for ever and make the best of it.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29The trouble is, I can't go.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Why not?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33This is just between us.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I don't care who knows.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Except Spooner.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I'll put some buns on my ears.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50You look like an underdone hamburger.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55The problem is... The problem is my wife won't give me a divorce.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- Have you asked for one?- What an idiotic question. Of course I have.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01It is not just for myself, you understand.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05I think it would be better for her. I have changed over the years.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09I am not the same gay, carefree fellow I was when we first met.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11You're certainly not as carefree.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Then I met Miss Bagnold at the golf club.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- Was this recent?- No.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Two summers ago. An old Army chum and his wife introduced us
0:11:21 > 0:11:24and we had a foursome that was most enjoyable.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Hang on, I need some more buns.
0:11:28 > 0:11:33Then it turned out that Miss Bagnold and I have the same handicap.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Oh, you was both married?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Golf handicap.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41She was single, had a good job in a bank - the Midland.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44And, like a fool, I opened an account there
0:11:44 > 0:11:47and I always seemed to find myself at her window.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Well, she became infatuated and, I think, so did I.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Soon, the entire Midland Bank knew about it.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Well, it is the listening bank.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00I found that I was thinking about her more and more and,
0:12:00 > 0:12:02unfortunately, I talked in my sleep.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06And apparently I kept repeating my account number.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- My wife got suspicious. - How do you know?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11She hit me with the bedside lamp.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13What did you do?
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Opened an account at the National Westminster and asked for a divorce.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Of course, no wonder you have been looking peaky.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22The divorce is playing on your mind.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26No, no, no. As I said, my wife refuses to give me a divorce.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28On the contrary, she wants to forget the whole episode
0:12:28 > 0:12:32- and give it another try.- Wouldn't it be worth giving it another try?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Well, I thought so.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Until Miss Bagnold gave up her former position
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- and joined the accounts department here.- She shouldn't have done that.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43As long as I don't see her I am fine.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47But the sight of that desperate face plays old Harry with my conscience.
0:12:47 > 0:12:52- And I realise what a swine I have been.- The strain must be awful.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Oh, you don't know the anguish of making two women unhappy.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59No, no, I need a change.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03If you was younger, you could go off and join the Foreign Legion.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05That did cross my mind.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Forgetting it all with a tough bunch of men.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10It's crossed my mind occasionally.
0:13:12 > 0:13:17But, well, when you get to my age, it's too late.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19What are you going to do?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Well, whatever I do, I've got to do it today.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25I promised my wife that I'd make a decision one way or the other
0:13:25 > 0:13:26and as she is arriving here at 5pm, well,
0:13:26 > 0:13:28I expect there is only one course open to me.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I should try the fire exit cos here's Miss Bagnold.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Stephen, I must talk to you.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Leave this to me. I'll deal with her.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Not now, Miss Bagnold, I'm having my coffee with my staff.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I've decided that, if you won't leave your wife,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- there's only one thing left for me to do.- Return to the bank?
0:13:45 > 0:13:49No, I shall wait for you for ever.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52No man can ever take your place.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Wherever you go, I shall be there.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Such is my love for you and I don't care who knows it.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Just a moment, Miss Bagnold,
0:13:59 > 0:14:01you are not the only one that loves Captain Peacock, you know.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Eh?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06He is very popular here so don't be selfish.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Does your heart tremble when he takes your hand?
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Does your day suddenly fill with a rainbow when he smiles?
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Do you want to hold him in your arms and kiss him like this?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32You have got a submission.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Excuse me. Excuse me. I only said he was very popular.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39I don't know him as well as that.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Oh, well, that's it, I shall have to offer my resignation.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- I can't stay here now. - You will do nothing of the sort.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- If anybody goes, it is her. - Just a minute, I've got an idea.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00How about if she found you with another woman?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Then she would go mad and go off you.
0:15:02 > 0:15:07Yes, yes, if she found out how shallow you are, she would leave.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11I don't want to hurt her. She really is in love.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14You know, I have often thought how much easier it would be to be
0:15:14 > 0:15:17a woman. They lead much more straightforward lives than we do.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Everything is in black and white to them.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22SHOUTING: You've got to be cruel to be... Sorry.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25You've got to be cruel to be kind. I mean, you'll be doing her a favour.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28I've often done it to get rid of birds.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Huh! You? You've never had a bird to get rid of.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35I'll have you know I have them banging on my door every night.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Yeah, trying to get out.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40No, you know, there might be something in it.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Well, it might work but how can we arrange it?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Well, you could be kissing Mrs Slocombe in the fitting room.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50And I'll get Miss Bagnold down on the floor on some pretext.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Ask for change for the till. That's always a good one.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Well, would she be jealous of Mrs Slocombe?
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Well, if we were in a passionate embrace.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Don't you think she might be more inclined to be jealous
0:16:01 > 0:16:04if I was in a passionate embrace with Miss Brahms?
0:16:04 > 0:16:07No, Miss Brahms looks too easy.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Ow!
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I mean, Mrs Slocombe's got that sort of unobtainable quality about her.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14No-one would believe anyone would be kissing her
0:16:14 > 0:16:16unless they was really serious.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Ow! Leave it out.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Here, actually, he might be right, you know.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Yes, well, we'll keep that as a last resort.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Firstly, I'm going to have to speak to Mr Rumbold
0:16:30 > 0:16:35and see if he can get Miss Bagnold moved to another branch.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38She quite clearly... She can't control herself working here.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Can I ask you a personal question?
0:16:40 > 0:16:41Hm?
0:16:41 > 0:16:45What exactly do you do to get them in this state?
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Well, that's just it, I don't do anything.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Neither do I.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53It doesn't seem to have the same effect.
0:16:56 > 0:17:01I can't just ask accounts to transfer Miss Bagnold without a good reason.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04I assure you, I have a good reason.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06But it's not one I can discuss in front of your secretary.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09I know the reason. You are in love with her.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11I am not in love with her.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15It's all over the store. It's even written on the wall of the ladies'.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Is it indeed?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19We must have it off as soon as possible.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23You have seen it too.
0:17:23 > 0:17:28Do I gather that you, a married man, have been Casanova-ing around?
0:17:28 > 0:17:32No. I mean, unfortunately, that Miss Bagnold is more than
0:17:32 > 0:17:36infatuated with me, which is causing me great embarrassment.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40- Does your wife know?- Yes. As a matter of fact, I have asked for a divorce.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Ah, so you can marry Miss Bagnold.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Miss Bagnold is driving me mad.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Oh, and you said I drove you mad.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Ah, you want to marry Miss Belfridge.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I strongly advise against it.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54The age gap - it would never work.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55I don't want to marry anyone.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- Well, why ask for a divorce? - Because I've had enough.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00It would appear more than enough.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Oh, Miss Belfridge, I think you had better leave.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- This is clearly a very personal matter.- It's getting a bit late now.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08- She's heard everything. - KNOCK ON DOOR
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Well, I'm sorry, I can't help you.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Your executive tea and biscuits, sir.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Ah, I see you're entertaining The Red Shadow.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18Miss Bagnold's looking for you.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I do not wish to discuss my private life with cellar people.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Well, you're the talk of the store.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27They're calling you the Robert Redford of ready-mades.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29In packing, they're running a book.
0:18:29 > 0:18:315 to 1 that you run off with Miss Bagnold.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33That will do, Mr Harman.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36You can see how intolerable my position is becoming.
0:18:36 > 0:18:41I won't let you do it. I'll stand by you, Stephen.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45I'll make a note of that.
0:18:46 > 0:18:5020 to 1, Miss Belfridge. An outsider but a lot of form.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Right, I have phoned Miss Bagnold.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57I have told her we need some change for the till.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Now, when she comes down on the floor, she will ask where you are.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I shall lower my eyes shiftily. Like this.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Oh, yes, that's shifty.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11And then I shall blurt out, "He's in there but don't go in!"
0:19:11 > 0:19:13And then she will find us in a clinch
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- and she will go right off you. - I'm sure she will.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20I'll make it as realistic as I can.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23And I'll attempt to do the same.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- Well, come on, let's have a quick practice.- Very well.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Now then, do you want it on the floor or shall we be standing up?
0:19:34 > 0:19:38I'm not a sex maniac. I just suffer from the odd infatuation.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42- I think standing up will be quite sufficient.- Right, well, come on.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Let's have a quick one.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47I...I...I don't think we should smudge your lipstick
0:19:47 > 0:19:49until we get the word from Mr Humphries.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Yes, but we must rehearse which way round we are going to do it.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54What do you mean, "which way round"?
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Well, I mean do you want my left arm around your right shoulder
0:19:58 > 0:19:59or vice versa?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I mean, usually, when I kiss people good night,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05I have got my handbag over my right arm
0:20:05 > 0:20:10so I hang my umbrella on it and I put my right arm round their necks.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Like this.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18How... How often do you kiss people good night?
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Well, when someone gives one a lift home from the pub,
0:20:21 > 0:20:24they expect a bit of a canoodle.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29That seems a satisfactory position. All we have to do now is wait.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30SHE SNIFFS
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Mmm, what's that aftershave?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- It's just my usual. - Mmm, it's lovely.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40You know, looking at you from this angle, Stephen,
0:20:40 > 0:20:42you are really a very attractive man.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- I can quite see what they all see in you.- Can you?
0:20:47 > 0:20:52And I suppose, looking at me so close,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55you can see what some of them see in me as well.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Yes, even from here, I can see it.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02No, don't put your face there.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06- All the powder will come off. - It will make her more jealous.- Oh!
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- Where is Captain Peacock? I have got good news for him.- What is it?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12I have just phoned the accounts department.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Apparently Miss Bagnold is not very satisfactory
0:21:14 > 0:21:16and they are giving her three months' notice.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18I don't think he will survive three months.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22I have put the money in the till. By the way, where is Captain Peacock?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25I want a word with him. It's no business of yours, Miss Bagnold.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Kindly get back to your own department.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30I shall be back at going-home time.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33By the way, where is Captain Peacock?
0:21:33 > 0:21:34He's in there but don't go in.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36That's it! That's it! Come on.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Captain Peacock, have you gone mad?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Where is Miss Bagnold?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Isn't one at a time enough?
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Unless you can change your ways, you're finished at Grace Brothers.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- Oh.- Well, really!
0:21:56 > 0:21:58What are you bringing those over here for?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Let's try and sell that customer some of these glasses.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Oh, yes, our commission.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Are you trying to tell me something?
0:22:29 > 0:22:32As a matter of fact, I was trying to interest you in these glasses.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34They are on special offer.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Really? Well, they're a little bit ordinary.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40I prefer something big and dramatic.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Something bold that makes a statement.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Oh, so do I.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Like these.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Oh!
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Oh, now they do make a statement.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55You can have them for a fiver.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Done.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02By the way, get rid of him.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04He's very bad for your image.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- He's... Ahem. - DEEP VOICE:- He's right, you know.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Take them off. You look ridiculous.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16You know, he hasn't said a word since lunch.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18You can see his mind turning over.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21He keeps muttering to himself, "Shall I or shan't I?"
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Here, I heard him on the phone outside the canteen,
0:23:24 > 0:23:25you know, talking to his wife.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28It seems she is trying to get him to go back.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Anyway, she is coming in about five to see if it's on or off.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Well, he'll have to make up his mind one way or another before then
0:23:34 > 0:23:37but if she won't give him a divorce, that's that.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42May I use your mirror?
0:23:43 > 0:23:44There you are.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Could I try the one with the bow?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59You've got it on the wrong way round.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01It's the way I like it.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- I'll take it.- Bag, Miss Brahms.
0:24:05 > 0:24:10- And I'd like to look at some tights as well.- Size?- Large.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Large tights, Miss Brahms.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Colour?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Something dark. Without seams.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- I just had a terrible thought.- What?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21You know you said there was no way Captain Peacock would get a divorce
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- unless he changed completely?- Mm.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27- I think he's found a way of doing it.- What way?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- Well, it's been done before. - What has?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Well, he's had all these terrible problems with women.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35I mean, it's not easy being a man. I should know.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39You don't think he is thinking of changing, do you?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Well, he has already tried two hats and now he's into the underwear.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44He's come unhinged.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47It's always the strong ones.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- There is one thing I can do before it's too late.- What's that?
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Talk him out of it.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Well, I'll take the hat and the underwear.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59- Now, do you have a smart skirt? Something short.- How short?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Well, about there.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07No, not to there.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10They're not fashionable any more, you know.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Ladies, to cocktail parties, are wearing trousers
0:25:12 > 0:25:15and a smart white shirt and a little tie.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Well, I think a short skirt is more fun.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21And it'll go with this blouse.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Oh, very nice. A bit see-through, isn't it?
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Well, perhaps a black one.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Like that one over there.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31Thank you.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Hmm. Are ladies wearing collars this high?
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Ladies are, yes. But I don't think anybody else is.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Put them both in my bag, will you, and put it all on my staff account?
0:25:44 > 0:25:48Oh, those suspender belts look rather fun.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Yes, I'll take stockings instead of tights.
0:25:52 > 0:25:57Which one do you want? The white frilly one or the pink frilly one?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59The black frilly one.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- They're rather common.- But fun.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12Don't argue with the customer, Miss Brahms, just put them in a bag.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- Yes, Mrs Slocombe. There you are.- Thank you.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19- Would you look after the floor, Mr Humphries?- Yes, Captain Peacock.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- I wonder what he wants with that lot. - Oh, don't you know?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24He has found the only way he can get a divorce.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Mark my words, that lot's on its way
0:26:26 > 0:26:28for a wild weekend in Brighton with someone.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32With that lot, you could have a wild weekend by yourself.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35You know, I did wonder and then I thought,
0:26:35 > 0:26:37"No, not Captain Peacock."
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Well, not with that moustache.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Well, his wife won't want him in the house dressed like that.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45- She'll be sure to give him a divorce. - Yes, but to go to those lengths?
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Oh, no, I don't believe it.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Unless they're for Miss Bagnold.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50She is about that size.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52- Or Miss Belfridge. - I bet it's Miss Bagnold.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55He has decided to chuck it all in and make hay while he can.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Well, anyway, his wife's coming in about five. It's nearly that now.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Mind you, there's going to be fireworks.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Oh, well, stand by for blasting.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Here's Miss Bagnold for the showdown.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09- You know, it's the busiest Tuesday I've known.- Where is Stephen?
0:27:09 > 0:27:12He's in the fitting room. I'll get him for you.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Captain Peacock? Are you free?
0:27:15 > 0:27:16I'm free.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31No! Not you! Not Stephen!
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Say it isn't you.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35I'm afraid it is, Miss Bagnold.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37I never want to see you again.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Thank heavens for that.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44So that's why you did it.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45Not entirely, no.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48Oh, it's Mrs Peacock.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52- Stephen?- Ah, there you are.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Darling, I've made up my mind.
0:27:55 > 0:28:00I'm very glad to hear it. And may I say you look wonderful?
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Thank you, my dear. And so do you.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Have I missed something?
0:28:08 > 0:28:10I gave him one last chance.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14We had tickets for a fancy dress ball in Chelsea and if he decided
0:28:14 > 0:28:19to go with me, it meant that he would stay with me for ever.
0:28:19 > 0:28:20Have you got any more tickets?
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Two, actually.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29Thank you. There is a little number I've been dying to try for ages.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Mrs Slocombe, are you free?
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Yes, if you'll help me with my dicky and studs.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Thank goodness we are all back to normal. Come on.
0:28:49 > 0:28:53# Ground floor - perfumery Stationery and leather goods
0:28:53 > 0:28:56# Wigs and haberdashery Kitchenware and food. Going up!
0:29:01 > 0:29:04# First floor - telephones Gents' ready-made suits
0:29:04 > 0:29:07# Shirts, socks, ties, hats Underwear and shoes. Going up!
0:29:13 > 0:29:15# Second floor - carpets Travel goods and bedding
0:29:15 > 0:29:19# Materials, soft furnishing Restaurant and teas. Going down!
0:29:24 > 0:29:27# First floor - telephones Gents' ready-made suits
0:29:27 > 0:29:31# Shirts, socks, ties, hats Underwear and shoes. Going down!
0:29:36 > 0:29:39# Ground floor - perfumery Stationery and leather goods
0:29:39 > 0:29:42# Wigs and haberdashery Kitchenware and food. Going up! #
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