0:00:02 > 0:00:04Welcome to BBC Asian Network's
0:00:04 > 0:00:07Big Comedy Night. CHEERING
0:00:07 > 0:00:14Please put your hands together for your host, Tommy Sandhu.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17CHEERING
0:00:17 > 0:00:18That's right.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, welcome, welcome.
0:00:22 > 0:00:27Welcome! Yes!
0:00:27 > 0:00:32Yes, welcome along to Asian Network's Big Comedy Night.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34CHEERING
0:00:34 > 0:00:36We are in for a treat tonight. Thank you very much for joining me.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38My name's Tommy Sandhu,
0:00:38 > 0:00:41from the Breakfast Show on the BBC Asian Network.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44And thank you for tuning into the Breakfast Show,
0:00:44 > 0:00:45and all the shows on the Asian Network
0:00:45 > 0:00:48because you lot have now made the Asian Network
0:00:48 > 0:00:52the number one Asian station in the whole of the UK!
0:00:52 > 0:00:54CHEERING Number one!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:56 > 0:00:58give a warm welcome to your next act this evening.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59He's a lovable guy.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02He's been doing great things since he started comedy in 2010.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Since then I saw him at Edinburgh Fringe Festival last year.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06He absolutely tore it up.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10He's absolutely adorable and lovable and very smart-looking tonight.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Give it up for Tez Ilyas.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14CHEERING
0:01:14 > 0:01:17ENTRANCE MUSIC: "Dil Dil Pakistan" by Vital Signs
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Good evening, London. Are you well?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31CHEERING Oh, you sound delicious.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33This is nice, isn't it? Hi!
0:01:33 > 0:01:36This is beautiful. Look at you all.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Huh, Dil Dil Pakistan, eh? Eh?!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Guess where I'm from. Eh?
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Lancashire. LAUGHTER
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I love my mum, right. I'm sure we all love our mums, right?
0:01:48 > 0:01:51But it feels like we're constantly arguing about stuff.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52We never get on.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Right, like, for the past couple of years, right,
0:01:55 > 0:01:58she's been trying to convince me to get an arranged marriage.
0:01:58 > 0:02:03Trying to convince me to get an arranged marriage.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Me.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07And I'm the one, then, who has to explain to her that...
0:02:07 > 0:02:11"Mum, how can you ask me to get an arranged marriage
0:02:11 > 0:02:14"when you're the one who has been telling me growing up,
0:02:14 > 0:02:18"'Don't speak to strangers.' How is that going to work?!"
0:02:18 > 0:02:20It's not going to work, is it?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Oh, she was really strict about my grades growing up.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25I'm sure people in here are probably familiar with that.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Like, irrationally strict.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Like, I remember once I got a letter posted home, right, from school.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34And she's opened it, even though it's got my name on it.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37That's the sort of... sort of person she is, right?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39And she's opened it and she's looking at it
0:02:39 > 0:02:42and she's found something she doesn't like. Right?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44And I'm upstairs, right, playing Sega Mega Drive,
0:02:44 > 0:02:47cos that's how old I am.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50And she's like... PAKISTANI ACCENT: "Get down now."
0:02:50 > 0:02:52And I come downstairs like, "Mum, what's going on?
0:02:52 > 0:02:53"Why are you shouting?"
0:02:53 > 0:02:56"What is this? What is this rubbish? B-?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59"Why you get B- in this test? I want only As in this house.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01"What is this?"
0:03:01 > 0:03:04I'm like, "Mum, let me see that. Let me have a look."
0:03:04 > 0:03:06"What is this?
0:03:06 > 0:03:07"It's my blood test, Mum!"
0:03:07 > 0:03:10LAUGHTER
0:03:10 > 0:03:11"I can't..."
0:03:15 > 0:03:18"I can't resit this!"
0:03:18 > 0:03:20"No, I want As!"
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Irrational. Right, but she's quite smart as well, right?
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Cos over Christmas we were arguing
0:03:26 > 0:03:29because we were watching Doctor Who
0:03:29 > 0:03:31and when the old Doctor turned into the new Doctor,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34I just let out a bit of a sigh. I was like...
0:03:34 > 0:03:36And she goes, "What is your problem?"
0:03:36 > 0:03:39And I'm like, "Mum, it's nothing. It's just that, you know,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42"I thought I could be the next Doctor...
0:03:42 > 0:03:43"in Doctor Who."
0:03:43 > 0:03:46And she goes, "What are you talking about?"
0:03:46 > 0:03:48And I'm like, "Listen, Mum, just because...
0:03:48 > 0:03:53"like, I'm never going to be the first Asian James Bond. All right?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55"That's not going to be me..."
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Or any of us. Right?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00"But with, you know, Doctor Who,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03"I thought I could have been the first...
0:04:03 > 0:04:05"the very first Asian Doctor."
0:04:05 > 0:04:07And she's like,
0:04:07 > 0:04:11"There's loads of Asian doctors, what the hell are you talking about?!"
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Irrational but smart.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Some of you have enjoyed that, right? But I've got a bit of a confession.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22My mum doesn't actually have an accent.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25I just like to show that I've got range.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27LAUGHTER
0:04:32 > 0:04:35These things, right, being Pakistani and being British,
0:04:35 > 0:04:37sometimes they're hard to reconcile.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39They don't always complement each other very well.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Like, there's different clothes, there's different foods,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45there's different prejudices even, there's different celebrations.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Give me a cheer if you enjoy Christmas.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50SOME CHEER That's a few of you,
0:04:50 > 0:04:51more than I thought there'd be.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53But Christmas is a weird time of year.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Cos I love Christmas
0:04:54 > 0:04:57but I don't really celebrate it, being Pakistani Muslim.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00It's kind of not really in our zone. But I love that time.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03And in particular what I really love about Christmas is Santa Claus.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05I love Father Christmas. Right?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07I love the idea of this man going around the world
0:05:07 > 0:05:10giving presents to children who've been good throughout the year.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11I think that's amazing.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15I was thinking, like, in Islam, like, we don't have a Santa Claus.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Where's our Uncle Eid?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Where's our guy?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Where's Chacha Christmas?! Where is this guy?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24And then I gave it too much thought
0:05:24 > 0:05:27and I figured out why we don't have one in Islam.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Cos, guys, if you took...
0:05:29 > 0:05:34if you took a fat, Asian or Arabic-looking guy,
0:05:34 > 0:05:38with a beard and some robes, right...
0:05:38 > 0:05:40There he is. Right?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45It's just a Muslim guy, isn't it?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47LAUGHTER
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Any Muslim guy.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54And if you take this Muslim guy and you put him in a flying sled,
0:05:54 > 0:05:58right, with a sack full of "toys",
0:05:58 > 0:06:01led by seven flying animals...
0:06:01 > 0:06:04camels, one imagines, Miss...
0:06:04 > 0:06:05and he sets off...
0:06:05 > 0:06:08He's gone to deliver his Eid presents.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11How long do you think he's going to last
0:06:11 > 0:06:13in European or American airspace?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15LAUGHTER
0:06:19 > 0:06:21He's not, is he?
0:06:23 > 0:06:27"And that is why we don't have Father Christmas in Islam."
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Thanks, Mum - great story.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33You guys have been genuinely wonderful.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36If you did like my jokes, or even just my politics...
0:06:36 > 0:06:38LAUGHTER
0:06:39 > 0:06:41..then you can follow me.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Um... I'm going to leave in, like, ten minutes, so just...
0:06:44 > 0:06:46LAUGHTER
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Can't get this thing to work.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51There we go.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Guys, I've been Tez Ilyas - enjoy the rest of your night! Good night.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55CHEERING
0:07:02 > 0:07:05What is up, ladies and gentlemen -
0:07:05 > 0:07:06how are you feeling tonight?
0:07:06 > 0:07:08CHEERING
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Good evening, good evening.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Yes, ladies and gentlemen -
0:07:12 > 0:07:17the poorest Mittal you will ever meet in Europe, right here.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20But it is such a pleasure to be here, it is such a pleasure
0:07:20 > 0:07:23to be here. As an Indian who gets to travel often,
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I worry.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29I worry because of the racial discrimination
0:07:29 > 0:07:32and the profiling and of course
0:07:32 > 0:07:36nobody hates Indians abroad more than other Indians abroad.
0:07:38 > 0:07:44But I love London. What a great, fantastic place to be in.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49Because we had the Olympics in 2012 in London -
0:07:49 > 0:07:52can we have a round of applause for that?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:55 > 0:07:57What a momentous occasion.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01And like every other momentous occasion,
0:08:01 > 0:08:04in the UK, you know,
0:08:04 > 0:08:06they dusted off the Queen...
0:08:06 > 0:08:08from the shelf
0:08:08 > 0:08:11and brought her out...
0:08:11 > 0:08:12on display.
0:08:13 > 0:08:18I've realised the Queen is kind of like Britain's child.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Because the moment there's any major world event, they're like...
0:08:20 > 0:08:23SHE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE
0:08:23 > 0:08:27India, China, Greece...
0:08:27 > 0:08:31So nice, no? We are paying for her classes.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36The Indian woman is supposed to be quiet, demure,
0:08:36 > 0:08:38conservative.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Be seen, not heard. Correct?
0:08:42 > 0:08:47Maybe that's why it takes six metres of cloth to make a sari, which is
0:08:47 > 0:08:50about four metres more than a burka.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53And yet we manage to leave this much uncovered.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05And then this next subject, I want to talk to you guys about,
0:09:05 > 0:09:10I have realised that saying the words "sanitary napkins"
0:09:10 > 0:09:11in public
0:09:11 > 0:09:16is like standing in a Hogwarts common room and saying Voldemort.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Immediately, everyone is like, "Gee, what's wrong with her?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23"Shameless!"
0:09:23 > 0:09:25But you have got to acknowledge
0:09:25 > 0:09:28what a miracle of technology these things are.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33There's gel, channels, crystals,
0:09:33 > 0:09:34wings!
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Leak lock systems.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Ladies, once a month, there is science in your chaddi!
0:09:41 > 0:09:44LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:51And as you all can tell
0:09:51 > 0:09:53from my ample Punjabi thighs...
0:09:54 > 0:09:57..I hated PE period.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59PE period was basically physical education
0:09:59 > 0:10:02and I was the fat kid, chosen for no games.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Running with those horrible shorts,
0:10:04 > 0:10:08thighs chaffing away to heart's glory.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10And so when I hit puberty, I was like, "boom!"
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Cos what is a dude named Sir possibly going to say
0:10:15 > 0:10:18when you go up to him and you're like, Sir...
0:10:22 > 0:10:24He's like, "Please, go and sit inside class,
0:10:24 > 0:10:26"don't come anywhere near me, of course...
0:10:28 > 0:10:30"Stand right there."
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Now they have these ads where these chicks are doing gymnastics,
0:10:35 > 0:10:37climbing a mountain, fighting a tiger!
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I'm like, "Don't tell them we can do this!"
0:10:46 > 0:10:50My name is Aditi Mittal, thank you so much!
0:10:54 > 0:10:58I like doing comedy because you get the opportunity to travel around,
0:10:58 > 0:11:00you get to go to places like Luton...
0:11:01 > 0:11:04No, I was in India. Anyone been to India?
0:11:04 > 0:11:05WHOOPS
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Yeah! Was it like this? "Hallo!"
0:11:09 > 0:11:11But like, with a billion of us, right?
0:11:11 > 0:11:12But I was in India
0:11:12 > 0:11:15and the audiences were a complete opposite to the Kiwis.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18I was doing a bit of my show where I said, "Who would like
0:11:18 > 0:11:21"to come up on stage and learn how to do an impression?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23"I need one volunteer to come up on stage
0:11:23 > 0:11:25"and I'll teach you how to do an impression.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29"I need one man to come up on stage," and it was packed like this, right?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32All the Indian men jumped off their seat, "I'll do it, yeah, come on!
0:11:32 > 0:11:33"Teach me!"
0:11:33 > 0:11:36IMITATES SCUFFLES
0:11:42 > 0:11:45I want to do the Homer Simpson. Please do Homer Simpson.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46APPLAUSE
0:11:51 > 0:11:55And that guy absolutely floored me, I was in absolute hysterics
0:11:55 > 0:11:58because I thought an Indian Homer Simpson...
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Because he'd freak the hell out of Apu
0:12:00 > 0:12:02when he goes to the Kwik-E-Mart, wouldn't he?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05"Homer Simpson, how can I help you?" I would like some Duff beer.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08"Stop making fun of my voice." I'm not making fun of your voice.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10"Get out of my shop!" D'oh!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12APPLAUSE
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Very enthusiastic - just like you guys!
0:12:21 > 0:12:22So that's great.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Folks, because we have a time restriction,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I'm going to mix up my show a bit.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I'm going to do some impressions - do you like impressions?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Great, cos there's nothing else happening, I'm going to do
0:12:32 > 0:12:35some impressions, you've got no choice, really - strap yourselves in!
0:12:35 > 0:12:39To do that, though, we're going to have to get an assistant.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Give a round of applause and bring out our fabulous host.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Wonderful guy and a good friend, Mr Tommy Sandhu.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45CHEERING
0:12:45 > 0:12:47What was that?!
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- THAT was my sexy assistant walk. - That was your sexy assistant walk?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52I was trying to sex up the act a little bit.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54- Sex up the act a bit? - Yeah, man!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56That was his impression of sexy...
0:12:56 > 0:12:58What I have here, folks, is a deck of cards.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00On each card is a famous name from the movies
0:13:00 > 0:13:01that I'm going to impersonate.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03What I'd like you to do, please, sir,
0:13:03 > 0:13:05is you say the name on the card, I'll do the impression.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- You guys ready for this? - AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10- Are you ready for this? - YES!
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- All right, take it away. - The movie trailer voice man.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16I love the movie trailer voice man - no-one knows what he looks like,
0:13:16 > 0:13:18but we all know what sounds like, right?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Coming, this summer, Titanic, now in 3-D -
0:13:21 > 0:13:24hopefully, this time they'll see the iceberg.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:28 > 0:13:29ET.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32I just watched ET again recently and thought ET was really lucky
0:13:32 > 0:13:35that he arrived when he did the first time, back in the 1980s,
0:13:35 > 0:13:38because kids were nice then, weren't they?
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Think about it, right -
0:13:39 > 0:13:41if ET came back NOW
0:13:41 > 0:13:44and he met a bunch of kids wearing hoodies...
0:13:44 > 0:13:46he wouldn't have the same reception, would he?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48He'd be like, "ET phone home".
0:13:48 > 0:13:52They'd just snatch his phone and stab him, like, "Ouch, ouch,
0:13:52 > 0:13:54"ouch, ouch, ouch! Ouch! Pff!"
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Poor ET.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00(Stay awa-a-a-ay.)
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Daffy Duck.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Listen, Busther, thso, you're the director. Hoo-hoo!
0:14:04 > 0:14:07If you just take the lisp away and tighten the voice, the whole thing
0:14:07 > 0:14:10sounds like Richard Dreyfuss from Jaws and I'm telling you,
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I can't work with this goddamn shark any more, Steven,
0:14:13 > 0:14:14it's driving me insane. Hm-hm!
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- Austin Powers. - Very groovy, baby.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24You're heading for a smacked bottom, yeah!
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I love Austin Powers, right, but he's a bit over the top, isn't he?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Like, you wouldn't want to live with him, would you?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33You'd be like, Austin, what would you like for breakfast?
0:14:33 > 0:14:34"Waffles, baby - yeah!"
0:14:34 > 0:14:36IMITATES GUNSHOT Ooh, wounded.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Homer Simpson.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Hey, everybody - it's Homer Simpson. You guys like beer?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Maybe pizza? Maybe burgers?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46IMITATES PHONE RINGING Hello?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48"Hey, Homer - it's Marge, where are you?"
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Hey, Marge, you should get down here.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54It's the Asian Network BBC Comedy Show. It's great.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55It's so much fun.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58It's like Apu and his whole family.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Jeff Goldblum.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05A lot of people come up to me
0:15:05 > 0:15:07and go, "Hey, Anil - you look like that Hollywood actor
0:15:07 > 0:15:08"from Jurassic Park".
0:15:08 > 0:15:11You look like Jeff Goldblum. TOMMY LAUGHS
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Thanks!
0:15:12 > 0:15:13I know what they mean, right?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I've got the Jeff Goldblum eyes.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I'd be more like a LITTLE Jeff Goldblum - well, of course,
0:15:18 > 0:15:21when I meet new people, I get excited, I get loud,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24I realise I don't know what I'm talking about, right there,
0:15:24 > 0:15:27thank you very much... Of course, you might recognise me
0:15:27 > 0:15:30from the cult horror film I did, The Flea.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33See, I did that joke in Australia,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35this guy goes, "Oh, it's The Fly, mate."
0:15:38 > 0:15:40And I was going...
0:15:40 > 0:15:42"I know it's The Fly, because BIG Jeff Goldblum did The Fly.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45"I was being LITTLE Jeff Goldblum and I said The Flea,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47"because that's a clever joke, right?"
0:15:47 > 0:15:50And the guy went, "Yeah, but it's still The Fly, mate".
0:15:52 > 0:15:53- Gandhi. - Gandhi.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Whatever happened to Gandhi?
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Because he made one good film, didn't he?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02I don't even have an impression, I just like doing that joke.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05James Stewart.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Actually, James Stewart is one of those older actors.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12He was in a lot of Hitchcock films and Western movies.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16First, you've got to start with a croaky voice there, first.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Then you've got to get the stutter,
0:16:18 > 0:16:20see? A-And then you've got to get LOUD.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23And when you raise those eyebrows and show that smile,
0:16:23 > 0:16:26w-well, everything is going to be all right.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27And if you slow it down,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30I did not have sexual relations with that woman...
0:16:30 > 0:16:32APPLAUSE
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- Amazing. That's the lot! - Thanks, Tommy!
0:16:44 > 0:16:47So I can tell you a story - something that happened to me recently.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50I was doing a gig and I was in the middle of an impression -
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I was doing my Eddie Murphy as the donkey in Shrek -
0:16:52 > 0:16:55and this guy in the audience decided to heckle me
0:16:55 > 0:16:57whilst I was in the middle of an impression,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00which had never happened to me before and this is what happened.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Hey, Shrek - we're going to see the Princess, right?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Yeah, we're going to see the Princess.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Hey, come on, Shrek - hey, Shrek, you're going the wrong way, man...
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Oh, Shrek - oh, Shrek, there's a big dragon behind me, Shrek.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13HONKING LAUGH
0:17:15 > 0:17:17I believe that children are our future,
0:17:17 > 0:17:19teach them well and let them lead the way... Shrek!
0:17:21 > 0:17:23And then this guy gets up from the audience, he goes,
0:17:23 > 0:17:25"it sounds like all the other black guys!"
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Ooh!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30And 150 people went... Wff!
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Looked at him, wff! Looked at me, went,
0:17:32 > 0:17:34"What are you going to say, funny man?"
0:17:34 > 0:17:37And I stood there, frozen on the spot and I thought two things - one,
0:17:37 > 0:17:41I don't think this guy is going to get out of this comedy club alive.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Because he's still got to get past the security guy on the door...
0:17:45 > 0:17:46MOUTHS: ..who's black.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47LAUGHTER
0:17:49 > 0:17:52..and two, I was deeply offended as an impressionist,
0:17:52 > 0:17:54because he just said they all sound the same.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58I decided to stay on stage as Eddie Murphy.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00And this is what happened next.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07What was that? I heard what you said. Yeah, I heard what you said.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10He said all black people sound the same, right? That's what you said.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12All black people sound the same. Yeah, I heard what you said, man.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15You said all black people sound the same. That's what you said, man.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17I heard what you said, yeah. HONKING LAUGH
0:18:21 > 0:18:22And then Chris Rock jumped up...
0:18:22 > 0:18:24He was like, I can't believe you just said what you said.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27If a white dude said that in my neighbourhood, he wouldn't turn up
0:18:27 > 0:18:29for work the next day - because he'd be DEAD!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Then Samuel L Jackson jumped up... What?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I don't remember asking you a goddamn thing.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Say that again.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39I dare you. I double-dare you.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Then Nelson Mandela jumped out,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44I did not spend 30 years on Robben Island for this!
0:18:44 > 0:18:50And then Bill Cosby jumped out at me, you people are swearing far too much.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54To this man who clearly has no idea what he's talking about.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57APPLAUSE
0:19:03 > 0:19:05And the guy got up
0:19:05 > 0:19:07and he apologised to me
0:19:07 > 0:19:09and everybody else in the room
0:19:09 > 0:19:11and I've never seen him at a comedy club ever again.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13LAUGHTER
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Folks, you've been absolutely delightful.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18I've had a great time hanging out with you.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Ladies, I just want to say, if you are single, I'm single.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28If you want to hang out with a guy like me,
0:19:28 > 0:19:30then I can be any man you want me to be.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33I've been Anil Desai - guys,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36you've got a great headline act coming up. Thank you.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44I was honoured to be headlining this,
0:19:44 > 0:19:47but then I realised they just decided to put the darkest act on last.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49APPLAUSE
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Don't applaud that, it's racist, mate.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54I don't want to put you under any pressure before I start,
0:19:54 > 0:19:56but I do have children.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00And how I treat them is very much determined by how these shows go.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01LAUGHTER
0:20:07 > 0:20:09What I'm saying is, if you don't laugh enough,
0:20:09 > 0:20:12someone is getting a head clap, all right? So just...
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Maybe the little one, because he looks like his mum.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16I am married, my wife is white,
0:20:16 > 0:20:20I'm genuinely Asian, I haven't just browned up for this show.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22My wife recently said to me, "Romesh, I thought
0:20:22 > 0:20:25"marriage would be more exciting than this."
0:20:25 > 0:20:28It's not, and apparently the reason it's not is because of me -
0:20:28 > 0:20:31it's my fault. The reason it's my fault is because I'm a vegan.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Are there any vegans in?
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Two of you?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38The rest of you enjoy life.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42I am hungry all of the time.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44I was vegetarian up until about eight months ago.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I said to my wife, "I'm thinking about becoming vegan."
0:20:46 > 0:20:50She said to me, "You can't become vegan, moron.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52"Nobody's going to invite us round for dinner.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56"We're going to be so awkward." I thought, what better reason...
0:20:56 > 0:20:59to become a vegan than to not go to people's houses for dinner?
0:20:59 > 0:21:00I hate it!
0:21:00 > 0:21:03My wife decided to organise a dinner party for me
0:21:03 > 0:21:06because she saw me watching Come Dine With Me.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Because when I saw her watching the news,
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I booked her a weekend trip to Syria.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17I mean, she's not back.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20And the fact of the matter is, I'm going to be honest with you,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23vegetarian food is rubbish. That's not just my opinion, that's a fact.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26I'll tell you why it's a fact - the vegetarian food industry,
0:21:26 > 0:21:30they admit it. They admit it because they make vegetarian food that looks
0:21:30 > 0:21:34and tastes like meat. That's the biggest admission going.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36I've never seen it happening the other way.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I've never seen a pork chop masquerading as a nut loaf -
0:21:38 > 0:21:40it doesn't happen.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42I don't understand the logic behind it.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45I don't want to eat meat, but I want my vegetarian food to look
0:21:45 > 0:21:48and taste as much like meat as possible. Why is that OK?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51It's like saying I don't like racism, but I find it quite exciting,
0:21:51 > 0:21:54so sometimes I get my friends to black up and I shout abuse at them.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56LAUGHTER
0:22:01 > 0:22:04I sort of came to the realisation that maybe I don't even know
0:22:04 > 0:22:05if I want to be a vegetarian or a vegan -
0:22:05 > 0:22:07maybe I just want to think that I'm being vegan.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I was at a wedding a while ago.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Obviously they do what they normally do -
0:22:11 > 0:22:13partway through proceedings bring out an Indian buffet.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Soak up the booze.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Somebody's dancing like a moron, throw a bhaji at them.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19That's the strategy.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22So I'm eating this onion bhaji and thinking to myself,
0:22:22 > 0:22:25"I can't believe that anyone would want to eat food with animals in it
0:22:25 > 0:22:29"when there's wonderful food like this that DOESN'T have animals in it.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I said to my mate, "Aren't these onion bhajis amazing?"
0:22:31 > 0:22:35He said, "Yes, mate, yes, they are. But they're lamb pakoras."
0:22:35 > 0:22:36LAUGHTER
0:22:39 > 0:22:41And it was at that point that I realised
0:22:41 > 0:22:43this is what onion bhajis have been missing all this time.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Put some lamb in, don't tell anyone.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49I went out a while ago to watch the football.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52I'm an Arsenal fan - my problem...
0:22:52 > 0:22:54CHEERING
0:22:54 > 0:22:57The rest of you, I don't care what you think, all right?
0:22:57 > 0:23:01My issue with Arsenal Football Club is how much they charge.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03It's the most expensive ticket in the Premiership.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06For the price of a single ticket to go and watch the Arsenal,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08I could take my whole family to a farm park...
0:23:08 > 0:23:12Could have lunch and tea. Go on the donkeys.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Go on the tractor ride, all for the price of one ticket.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18And THAT'S why I go and watch the football.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Seriously, no way I want to do that!
0:23:22 > 0:23:25I support Sri Lanka and England in the cricket.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28I was supporting England up until recently - that was embarrassing.
0:23:28 > 0:23:33So embarrassing, I've started telling people I'm actually an aborigine.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Just to cover it up.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39As soon as it goes wrong for white people, I jet.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I don't need to hang around.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43I don't know if you saw this, but the Australian cricket fans were
0:23:43 > 0:23:45so cocky, this is what they did.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48A group of Australia fans, during one of the tests,
0:23:48 > 0:23:52smuggled a pig into the ground to release it on to the pitch.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57This genuinely happened. How ballsy do you have to be to think that...
0:23:57 > 0:24:01I get nervous taking Maltesers into the cinema.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06These guys took a PIG into a cricket match!
0:24:07 > 0:24:09But they gave it the perfect disguise,
0:24:09 > 0:24:11because they put it in a pram.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15They put it in a pram disguised as a kid.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17The reason that's a perfect disguise,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20think about the number of times you've looked at someone's kid...
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Just thought, "What the hell is that?"
0:24:33 > 0:24:35A few months ago, I wanted to go and watch England play football.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I just wanted to go to the pub and watch them play
0:24:37 > 0:24:39and I couldn't and the reason I couldn't
0:24:39 > 0:24:42is because the EDL were marching up and down the country.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45The connection is not obvious, but what this means is that every
0:24:45 > 0:24:48single pub has got England flags on it and I don't know why.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I don't know what I'm walking into.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I don't want to walk into a pub full of racist morons, yeah?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Or it could be the EDL.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59I've got absolutely no idea...
0:24:59 > 0:25:01I live near Brighton. EDL marched in Brighton.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04One of the buildings they targeted on their march was
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Brighton's Royal Pavilion Museum.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Because they thought it was a mosque.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14What the hell do they think when they're stood outside?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17"I can't believe Islam are recruiting so many elderly white ladies,
0:25:17 > 0:25:19"it's disgusting!"
0:25:26 > 0:25:27People are up in arms about it.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29People complaining on Twitter - this genuinely happened.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33The EDL were getting tweets that were meant for EDF Energy.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35LAUGHTER
0:25:35 > 0:25:38And vice versa, this genuinely happened!
0:25:38 > 0:25:42"I'm having problems with my power." "We all are, mate.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44"It's the immigrants."
0:25:44 > 0:25:46"I'm worried about foreigners coming into my home."
0:25:46 > 0:25:49"Can I suggest that you read your meter yourself?"
0:25:57 > 0:26:00You see, I complain about that, but in the winter,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03one of my favourite pastimes is to pretend to passers-by that I've
0:26:03 > 0:26:05just arrived in the country.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07And that I'm seeing snow for the very first time.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17On a really good day, they take photographs.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19So anyway, I went out to watch the football
0:26:19 > 0:26:21with a group of my friends.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24My friends and I are all in our 30s and we look terrible.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27We look like terrible tribute acts of us in our 20s.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30There's a group of guys actually in their 20s looking ripped
0:26:30 > 0:26:33and amazing wearing tight shirts and that - I hate them.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35And I think to myself, are they going to make us feel bad,
0:26:35 > 0:26:38are they gonna make us feel like we're stepping on the turf?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41The truth is, they ignore us. Of course they do!
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Why would they care?
0:26:43 > 0:26:45See a pride of lions hunting gazelle...
0:26:45 > 0:26:46They're not going to care
0:26:46 > 0:26:49when a bunch of three-legged hyena rock up, are they?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Come to the end of the night, this absolutely gorgeous girl comes out
0:26:52 > 0:26:54and makes direct eye contact with me -
0:26:54 > 0:26:56I think, "Hello! This is happening".
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Better phone my wife, tell her I've still got it.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02The girl walks up to me and does not break eye contact for a second,
0:27:02 > 0:27:04says to me, no word of a lie,
0:27:04 > 0:27:05"Taxi for Rachel?"
0:27:05 > 0:27:07LAUGHTER
0:27:12 > 0:27:15So obviously I had to tell my wife the story up until that point,
0:27:15 > 0:27:16I'm not an idiot.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18The truth is, I would never be a taxi driver,
0:27:18 > 0:27:20because I don't like talking to strangers.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23I don't mean like NOW, I mean in the street.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25You know when somebody comes up to you
0:27:25 > 0:27:26and tries to make friends with you?
0:27:26 > 0:27:29By saying something obvious and putting "isn't it?" at the end?
0:27:29 > 0:27:32"It's cold today, isn't it?"
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Yeah. Now, go away.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38I don't want to talk to you, you time burglar.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I'm trying to avoid friends I've already got.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Not make new ones, moron.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48This happened to me - I was at a post office.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51I'm at the post office, an elderly lady in front of me with a cat.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55I mean, you want to sort this country out, sort that out, right?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57People taking cats to the post office.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Anyway, the lady turns around and says, "Taking a long time, isn't it?"
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Obviously, what she wants me to say is, "Yeah. Yeah, it is."
0:28:06 > 0:28:09She doesn't want to have a genuine conversation.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11She doesn't want me to say, well, no.
0:28:11 > 0:28:12I don't think it IS taking that long a time.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15But I can understand why your perception of time is
0:28:15 > 0:28:17different to mine, being you have so little of it left.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19She doesn't want to hear that.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26And it's not because people are horrible, people are nice,
0:28:26 > 0:28:29but life keeps telling me, "Don't talk to them, Rom."
0:28:29 > 0:28:30I'll give you an example.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32I was on my way to a concert at the O2 a while ago.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35I'm not showing off, things are going all right.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39On the train into London, I'm talking to my mate on the phone,
0:28:39 > 0:28:40a bit of banter.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42A little bit of bants. Yeah?
0:28:42 > 0:28:43No? OK.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45I said to him,
0:28:45 > 0:28:47"How will I know which one is the O2?"
0:28:47 > 0:28:50HEARTY LAUGH
0:28:50 > 0:28:53It's not excellent, I'm just trying to oil the wheels of...
0:28:53 > 0:28:54FRENCH ACCENT: ..conversation.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57This woman opposite me on the train, she looked at me and says,
0:28:57 > 0:28:59"It looks like a big tent!"
0:29:04 > 0:29:07So a) she thought I really didn't know what it looked like.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10And b) she thought I wouldn't recognise it when I got there,
0:29:10 > 0:29:15like I might just knock on the door of somebody's house in London.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18And go, "Is Dizzee Rascal in here, or what? What's going on?"
0:29:18 > 0:29:20But obviously the woman is trying to help me.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22She's trying to reach out to me.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25I don't want to be horrible here, so I thought how can I respond to her
0:29:25 > 0:29:28in a way that makes it look like that was the right thing for her to do?
0:29:28 > 0:29:31So I turned to her and I said...
0:29:31 > 0:29:33STRONG ACCENT: ..thank you very much for the information.
0:29:38 > 0:29:42And then I remembered that she had heard the rest of the conversation.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48So I just looked like a nutcase.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53Ladies and gentlemen, that's almost my time. You genuinely have been -
0:29:53 > 0:29:56I'm not just saying this, either - adequate. So thank you so much...
0:29:56 > 0:30:00I really mean that. I don't always say that. I leave you with this.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02I don't like going out with my children - it's not
0:30:02 > 0:30:04because of my children, I love my children, I think,
0:30:04 > 0:30:07but the problem is, you have to deal with the fact that when you go out,
0:30:07 > 0:30:09any father in here will tell you,
0:30:09 > 0:30:11when you go out with your kids, any other father that's out
0:30:11 > 0:30:15on his own with his kids immediately assumes that you need to be mates.
0:30:17 > 0:30:22Right? I was attacked by one of these morons at a soft play centre.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25I'm just there with my two boys trying to have an innocent afternoon.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27This idiot spots me from the other side of the centre
0:30:27 > 0:30:30and comes running over. He goes, "Hello, there.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32"My name's Michael!
0:30:32 > 0:30:36"This is Sebastian. Um, we come here on Wednesdays, don't we, Sebby?"
0:30:36 > 0:30:40FORCED GIGGLE
0:30:42 > 0:30:43And I said to him, "Hello, there.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46"My name is Romesh and I found these boys outside."
0:30:48 > 0:30:50I've been Romesh Ranganathan, thank you.
0:30:50 > 0:30:52CHEERING