0:00:00 > 0:00:04All right, everyone? I'm Tommy Sandhu and welcome to Edinburgh.
0:00:04 > 0:00:09The stage is set. The audience are in and the comedians are raring to go.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12I'm just waiting for my cue.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14MUSIC PLAYS That's it. That's me.
0:00:16 > 0:00:21Welcome to BBC Asian Network's Big Comedy Night.
0:00:21 > 0:00:26Please put your hands together for your host for this evening,
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Tommy Sandhu! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Oh! No, really. YES!
0:00:37 > 0:00:42CHEERING CONTINUES Thank you, thank you, thank you.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:43 > 0:00:47welcome to the BBC Asian Network's Big Comedy Night in Edinburgh.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49CHEERING
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Wow. Let me just tell you how this night came about.
0:00:53 > 0:00:58We at the BBC Asian Network have scoured the whole of the land.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59We've searched high and low,
0:00:59 > 0:01:03far and wide for the funniest people on the planet.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06And in the end, we just went with whoever was available.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09It's a busy time of year. A lot of people are away. It was quite tricky.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12But now, seriously, you're in for a great night.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14We've got some really funny people on the line-up tonight
0:01:14 > 0:01:17and you're in for a real treat. Thank you so much for all coming out.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Let me introduce your first act,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23she's absolutely sensational, she's been making us laugh for years.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27She's got brilliant stories, some killer one-liners and in fact,
0:01:27 > 0:01:29she's performed on stages so dangerous, that she
0:01:29 > 0:01:33actually had to wear a bulletproof vest on one. That's for real.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Hopefully, she won't need that tonight.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Please give a warm welcome to Shazia Mirza.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Hello, everyone. Yes, I did, I wore a bulletproof vest.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50That was for a gig in Leith.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54So nice to be here.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57I was just doing my show this evening and this Asian woman,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00she came up to me and she said, we really enjoyed your show,
0:02:00 > 0:02:03but just one criticism. I thought, here we go.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07She said, oh, there is a big, white stain on your shirt
0:02:07 > 0:02:09and it is really showing up under the lights.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12I thought, only an Asian woman would go, we really loved your show,
0:02:12 > 0:02:14but you really need to wash your clothes,
0:02:14 > 0:02:18otherwise you will never get a husband.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21She made me feel like Monica Lewinsky.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Too soon? Oh.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I used to be a teacher. Do we have any teachers in?
0:02:30 > 0:02:31CHEERING
0:02:31 > 0:02:35Yes. Where there are Guardian readers, there are always teachers.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Yes, sir, are you a teacher? What subject do you teach?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- Music. - Music, oh.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Do we have any proper teachers in?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Arts, English, science, all the things that matter.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47I used to be a proper teacher, though,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I used to teach science to 16-year-old boys
0:02:50 > 0:02:53in Tower Hamlets and Dagenham. That's teaching.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55These boys, they were rough.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58There were these boys who wear their trousers around their knees
0:02:58 > 0:03:01and wear a belt with them to hold them up, with their pants showing.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Have you seen this? Don't you sometimes want
0:03:03 > 0:03:06to run after these boys and just rip those pants down, yeah?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09That's why I don't teach any more.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Recently, though, I was invited to go to India, because they've got
0:03:14 > 0:03:19comedy there now, and the British Council, they took me to India.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21They wanted me to go
0:03:21 > 0:03:25and do some gigs there to improve relations between Britain and India.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28SHE LAUGHS I'm not going back.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30But I had to apply for a visa.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33So, I went to the Visa Office in London on Goswell Road,
0:03:33 > 0:03:35and the woman said to me, "Where are you from?" I said, "I'm from England.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38"I'm British." And she said, "No."
0:03:40 > 0:03:45"Where were you born?" I said, "Birmingham." She said, "No.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47"Before that."
0:03:53 > 0:03:57I said, "I've only ever been born once. And that was into Birmingham."
0:03:57 > 0:03:58She said, "Yes, but before that.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01"Where are you from?" I said, "What do you mean before that?!"
0:04:01 > 0:04:03She said, "Well, where are your parents from?"
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I said, "Oh, my parents are from Pakistan." She said, "Oh...
0:04:06 > 0:04:09"So you're Pakistani." I said, "No, I'm British.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13"I love misery. Bad weather.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17"And I've got a tea towel with Diana's head on it.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19"I'm definitely British.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21She said, "Yes, but before that, you were from Pakistan."
0:04:21 > 0:04:24I said, "What's this before that business?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27"You know, if that's the logic we're going by, I'm from Africa,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30"so are you, why are we having this conversation?!"
0:04:30 > 0:04:32But then I realised that in India, they have reincarnation,
0:04:32 > 0:04:37so maybe in my past life, I was reincarnated as a Pakistani.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39But I thought, how rubbish must I have been to have been
0:04:39 > 0:04:42reincarnated back into Birmingham twice!
0:04:44 > 0:04:46I was doing this gig recently at the BBC.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48They invited me to this thing called the 100 Women Conference,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51where they invited 100 women from all over the world who
0:04:51 > 0:04:53they felt were changing the world.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55And you know, cos I played to 20 Guardian readers in Edinburgh,
0:04:55 > 0:04:57they felt that I qualified for this.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59And I turned up at nine o'clock in the morning.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01There were some amazing women there.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04You know, there was Cherie Blair, you know Cherie Blair?
0:05:04 > 0:05:09Tony Blair's wife, you know, Tony Blair, that terrorist? He was there.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13And then, there was... See, there's his wife clapping.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18And there was Bianca Jagger, she was there. There was Gurinder Chadha.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21She was there. And I turned up at nine o'clock in the morning
0:05:21 > 0:05:23and I met this woman, this black woman,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26she was wearing really colourful clothes, green shoes,
0:05:26 > 0:05:30orange trousers, black jacket, purple shirt, orange hat.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32And she said to me, "What do you do?" I said, "I'm a comedian."
0:05:32 > 0:05:35She said, "Oh, I really love comedians. It's amazing what you do.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36"You're so brave.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39"You stand there, you tell people about your life and they laugh,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42"it's amazing." I said, "OK, now, where are you from?"
0:05:42 > 0:05:44She says, "Oh, I'm from Nigeria."
0:05:44 > 0:05:49And I said, "Oh, are you the one that keeps sending me all those e-mails?"
0:05:54 > 0:05:58I thought that was funny. I thought that was hilarious.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01For nine o'clock, in the morning, at a BBC women's conference,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04off-the-cuff, I thought that was hilarious.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06She said she liked comedians.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09I'm a comedian. I thought I'd show an example of my work.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11This woman went absolutely mental.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14She went, "Is that the kind of comedy that you do?!
0:06:14 > 0:06:17"Do people laugh at that?! I am offended!"
0:06:17 > 0:06:18She was a bit German as well!
0:06:18 > 0:06:23"I am offended! Is this the type of comedy that you do?!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26"I am so offended! That's not funny!"
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I said, "Well, I've got a friend called Gina, she's Nigerian.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31"She tells these kind of jokes." She said, "I don't care what Gina does.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35"It's not funny! You're telling this to people in public? It's not funny!"
0:06:35 > 0:06:37And I was thinking, my God, why is she getting so offended?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40It was just a joke. It was just a joke, you know?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42I was thinking, well, take the day off from being
0:06:42 > 0:06:45the Nigerian Finance Minister, and be yourself, yep?
0:06:45 > 0:06:49I took the day off from being a full-time professional 24-hour Asian.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Why can't you take the day off? Anyway.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56It turns out that she was the Nigerian Finance Minister.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00So, it WAS her sending me those e-mails.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03You've been great, everybody, thank you very much. Thank you.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Shazia Mirza, everybody! Thank you very much.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, next up are a couple of guys
0:07:12 > 0:07:15that are making big waves in the whole sketch comedy scene.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17You're going to love them.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Please give a warm welcome to Paul G Raymond and Luke Manning,
0:07:20 > 0:07:22aka In Cahoots!
0:07:22 > 0:07:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:24 > 0:07:27UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS Yes!
0:07:29 > 0:07:31How are we doing, Edinburgh?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32CHEERING Amazing.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34All right, we are In Cahoots.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- My name is Luke, this is Paul. - Hello.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Are you ready for some sketches? Give me a cheer!
0:07:38 > 0:07:39CHEERING
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Let's get straight into the first one then.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47England for the English! Muslims out! Muslims out!
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Down with racism!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Down with fascism! Down with the EDL!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Why don't you go back home, mate?!
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I AM home. And I am not your mate!
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Oh! Look at this one, lads.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Stealing our language and our accent!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05- I was born here! - Pull the other one!
0:08:07 > 0:08:12I see you all, coming over here, stealing our jobs,
0:08:12 > 0:08:16walking around with your silky, brown skin and your flowing, black
0:08:16 > 0:08:19locks and your gorgeous, your gorgeous, big, brown eyes.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Just pulling me right in like some magical Prince of Arabia
0:08:23 > 0:08:25coming to whisk me away on a flying carpet of love!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27I was born here!
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Why don't you get that through your thick skull, your thick,
0:08:30 > 0:08:34perfectly sculpted skull with its angelic blond hair and your eyes!
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Green like emeralds in a sea of purest milk and your nose,
0:08:38 > 0:08:39so small but perfectly formed.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42You're like a sexy, live-action Tintin!
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Fact is, our people ain't supposed to mix.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51All right, you'd rather us be kept apart,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54like cats and dogs or Romeo and Juliet or...?!
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Exactly!
0:08:55 > 0:08:59We speak English and you speak bloody jibber jabber Punjabi!
0:08:59 > 0:09:03What the hell is that?! I speak English, not jibber jabber Punjabi!
0:09:03 > 0:09:04I speak English.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07And I've got a masters degree in Shakespeare studies.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11- From Manchester Polytechnic! - Oh, yeah?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Give me some Shakespeare, then, go on!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15All right, fine.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20"Eternity was on our lips and eyes. Bliss in our brows bent.
0:09:22 > 0:09:28"None our parts so poor. BOTH: But was a race of heaven."
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- Anthony and Cleopatra. - Act one, scene three.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Yes, really good, that. Really good.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Everybody likes a bit of Shakespeare. Caliban is proper mental. So...
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Look, I'm not being prejudiced, mate, all right,
0:09:45 > 0:09:46I'm just doing what I believe in!
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Oh, I know, mate, and I've got loads of white friends, you know,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51they come round for dinner with me family all the time,
0:09:51 > 0:09:55and it's so much fun, because my family is massive.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Well, mine too, mate. I mean, you know, we don't use condoms.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Us, neither. Obviously, for like religious reasons.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05It doesn't feel nice. Yeah, what you said, yeah, that.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Look, mate, why don't we hang out sometime? You know?
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Yeah, we could hang out and do things from one another's cultures,
0:10:12 > 0:10:14like, I could take you out one night for a curry.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Yeah! Or we could do something from MY culture like I could take you
0:10:18 > 0:10:20out one night for a curry!
0:10:24 > 0:10:28- Oh, my mates are coming. - Mine too.
0:10:30 > 0:10:35Guess I'll, guess I'll see you later, then, you big Danny Dyer wannabe.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Yeah, yeah, yeah, get on back to your mosque,
0:10:38 > 0:10:42with your silky black robes hugging your slender frame!
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Yeah, yeah, you got back to the pub with your too-tight
0:10:44 > 0:10:48England T-shirt caressing your soft rolls of cushiony, soft fat.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- Goodbye, my prince. - Be safe, my love.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53And that's how Luke and I met.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57That's that story. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Right, guys, we're going to crack straight on with another
0:11:03 > 0:11:05sketch for you guys. Here we go.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Ah! Northern Man.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Mayor of the North and finest superhero in all of England.
0:11:11 > 0:11:17- Nay, the world. How goes thee? - Aye, very well, lad.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20I'm just admiring the beautiful Yorkshire countryside on this
0:11:20 > 0:11:22fine northern morning.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26HE INHALES Ahhhh! Bisto!
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Aye, Northern Man, there's
0:11:28 > 0:11:32nowt quite like a bit of God's own country on a fine Yorkshire morning.
0:11:32 > 0:11:37Indeed. It's times like these I feel like reciting the Lord's prayer.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41BOTH: Peter Kay
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Who art in Bolton
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Family friendly be thy name.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Thy chips do come with gravy on
0:11:51 > 0:11:54In York as it is in Chester.
0:11:54 > 0:12:00Max and Paddy our daily bread and forgive us our Bernard Mannings
0:12:00 > 0:12:05As we forgive those who don't laugh at "Garlic bread?!"
0:12:05 > 0:12:07"Garlic bread?!"
0:12:07 > 0:12:12And lead us not into the South, but deliver us from London,
0:12:12 > 0:12:17for thine is the coal mine, the steel mill and unions.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19T'ra and see thee later. Ey-up.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Oh, that's t't useful t't prayer that thee said there t't Northern Man,
0:12:30 > 0:12:31- t't prayer that thee said t't... - Aye.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33T't prayer is right t't good, I liked it t't...
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Wait a minute! You're overcompensating for your t'ts.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38So you have t't work to do down at t't mill, t't Northern Man?!
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- T't, t't, t't... - Oh, who are you really?
0:12:41 > 0:12:42T't, t't... HE BEATBOXES
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Oh, what's going on now? What's all this about? What's all this?
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Yes, it is I! The Southerner!
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Yes, yes, I'm here to trap all northern people in a web of
0:12:52 > 0:12:57low-paid jobs, dole queues and 1,000 different pointless types of coffee.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Not if I have anything to say about it, you dirty,
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Thames swimming Rascal!
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Very well, then, Northern Man, if you want to fight, allow me
0:13:04 > 0:13:07to do my own little prayer!
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Margaret Thatcher!
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Who's probably not in heaven!
0:13:11 > 0:13:13- Cruelty be the name! - Blasphemy!
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Peter Kay is the one true God!
0:13:16 > 0:13:19So you can take your metal woman and shove her up your bum.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Very well, then, Northern Man, if you want to fight, behold,
0:13:21 > 0:13:23the power of my gap year!
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Woo woo wooommmmmmmmm...
0:13:26 > 0:13:30My life is slowing down for no good reason!
0:13:30 > 0:13:34I have lost all sense of direction! I want to take a TEFL course!
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- Ahahaha! Yes, very good! - Go get him,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41invisible whippet. HE BARKS LIKE A DOG
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- Arrrgh! - I said, come by, lad.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48Your invisible whippet is no match for my powers of embezzlement.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Where did he go? Where's Rover?
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Rover is locked in an offshore bank account.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00On the island of Jersey being stroked by a digital Jimmy Carr.
0:14:02 > 0:14:07You'll pay for that, you will. Unions unify! Unite!
0:14:07 > 0:14:12By the power of Scargill! By the power of Scargill!
0:14:12 > 0:14:17It's too late, Northern Man. Your unions have crumbled.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Your ways are of the past and I stand for the future.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Skinny jeans and lensless spectacles for all who can afford them.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Yes, London, London, must find a Londoner. Yes.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Oh, you look like you're from London.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Where are you from?
0:14:31 > 0:14:36Bradford! Ah, North! Argh, that was so northern!
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- He's one of us, he is! - No, he's not.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Skinny jeans! I thought you were wearing women's tights!
0:14:43 > 0:14:45You look like some kind of weird spider!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47You'll pay for that, you will! Queensberry rules.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49If you think you're hard enough.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51By the power of the Top Man student discount!
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Aaargh! Bisto! By the power of Hovis!
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Taste my wholegrain!
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Wooosh!
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- Woop! - Ding!
0:15:02 > 0:15:05That's better. That's Tetley.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09Thank you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Brilliant. In Cahoots, everybody. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Good, aren't they?
0:15:21 > 0:15:26Right, so, next up is a brilliant comedian, he is super-sharp.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Razor, razor-sharp comedy and very analytical, particularly
0:15:30 > 0:15:33when it comes to himself. You're going to love him.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34I just love him,
0:15:34 > 0:15:37cos he's got fuzzy hair and a beautiful beard, please give
0:15:37 > 0:15:41it up for your next act, onstage, it is the wonderful Nish Kumar!
0:15:41 > 0:15:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, how are you? Are you all right?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- ALL: Yes. - Tremendous.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52My name's Nish, I was born in London,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55but my parents were not. My parents come from India.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57They come from the part of India called Kerala,
0:15:57 > 0:15:58a very interesting place.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01There's been a lot of immigration there in the last 600, 700 years.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Vasco da Gama led a Portuguese delegation there.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05There's an indigenous Arab population.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07There's an indigenous Jewish population.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10And what's happened is, all of that diversity has crawled up
0:16:10 > 0:16:12and landed on my face,
0:16:12 > 0:16:17because this is an ethnically ambiguous situation.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21OK? It looks like I've gone to a costume party dressed as everyone.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23And here's a little trick I can play with my face.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26It changes ethnicity depending on the angle at which you are looking at it.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29So, watch this. It starts out like this and it just goes
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Arab, Arab, Arab, Arab, Jew, Brazilian! It's that kind of face.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37And you might think, oh, Nish, that's nice, you embody the diversity
0:16:37 > 0:16:40of the global community, you're a true citizen of the modern world.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Let me tell you, all that means is I get stopped at customs everywhere.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46I am a person of interest to absolutely everyone.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48And it doesn't matter if they see the British passport,
0:16:48 > 0:16:50because I've got a face that looks like it comes from the people's
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Arab Republic of Jewistan.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58And it's not all fun and games having an ethnically ambiguous face!
0:16:58 > 0:17:01When I was at university, for most of my first year, I wore
0:17:01 > 0:17:03a T-shirt that had a picture of Jimi Hendrix on it.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05A big picture of Jimi here and the words "awesome experience".
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Jimi Hendrix is my hero.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08And for most of my first year, I wore that T-shirt.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Towards the end of that time, a guy who lived my corridor was
0:17:11 > 0:17:13talking about Jimi Hendrix and I said, Hendrix, big fan.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15And he said, really? You?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Which I thought was weird, because I was wearing the shirt.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28And he says, oh, that's Jimi Hendrix? And I said, who did you think it was?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30And he said, I thought it was you!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Now, normally, I would be delighted by that, nothing would make me
0:17:35 > 0:17:39happier, but that meant he spent our whole first year thinking I'd had
0:17:39 > 0:17:43a T-shirt made with my own face on it and the words "awesome experience".
0:17:43 > 0:17:46I had just been running around college being like,
0:17:46 > 0:17:50double Nish, double Nish, an awesome experience, it is! Hm-mm!
0:17:51 > 0:17:54And I enjoy the fact that people have different opinions, I think
0:17:54 > 0:17:56that's what makes being a human being exciting.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58I don't like it when people can't justify their opinion or
0:17:58 > 0:18:00they justify their opinion on spurious grounds.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03My dad doesn't like rap music. Now, I like rap music,
0:18:03 > 0:18:05but I know there's a lot of good reasons to not like rap music.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Misogyny, homophobia, needless celebration of wealth.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11My dad doesn't like rap music, because he says it's EASY
0:18:11 > 0:18:14and then he will prove that by doing a rap!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18He'll say, rap music is really easy, Nish, watch this.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22HE RAPS: My name is Dad and I'm here to say, I'm a really great guy!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25That's not proof of anything! You can't say something is easy
0:18:25 > 0:18:28and your evidence is YOU do it badly!
0:18:28 > 0:18:33That's like me going, jazz music is easy, watch this. Blah, blah, blah.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Oh, check out this easy juggling. Ohhhh!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43And I've had two separate arguments with my friends,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45because they didn't go and see 12 Years A Slave.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Now, I didn't think you had to go and see 12 Years A Slave,
0:18:47 > 0:18:50but I didn't like the reasoning that these people were employing.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53One of my friends said, I'm not going to see that film, Nish.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55And I said, why? And he said, because it's not a good film,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58which I think we can all agree is logically bold.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59I said, what do you mean by that?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01He said, it's just cos it's about slavery.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03People are guilted by the subject matter into thinking it's
0:19:03 > 0:19:05a good movie. It's just cos it's about slavery.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07I appreciate that's not the case.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I'm pretty sure some people think 12 Years A Slave is a good film.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11In fact, I know that's the case. cos I don't think
0:19:11 > 0:19:1412 Years A Slave would have won all the awards it's won
0:19:14 > 0:19:16if it had starred Eddie Murphy as four different slaves
0:19:16 > 0:19:19and a Chinese man for no reason, right?!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21And one of my other friends just said,
0:19:21 > 0:19:24I don't need to see that film, Nish, and I said, why not?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27And he said, cos I already know that slavery was bad.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30It's not a twist ending!
0:19:30 > 0:19:33It's not like the rest of us watched it and at the end went,
0:19:33 > 0:19:34oh, my God, slavery was the bad guy!
0:19:35 > 0:19:37This is like The Usual Suspects!
0:19:39 > 0:19:41It's been an interesting period in my life.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45I was single for a long time but I have recently taken a woman.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51I'm almost certain that's not how you're supposed to phrase that,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53right?! I was single for a long time
0:19:53 > 0:19:55because I was always quite sexually reticent.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57When I was at school, I didn't really kiss girls.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Largely because I was busy getting some excellent A-levels.
0:20:01 > 0:20:02Did VERY well.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05And the thing is, that's fine, but if you don't make an attempt to
0:20:05 > 0:20:08kiss girls at school, you don't make the mistakes that you
0:20:08 > 0:20:11need to make, so you have some idea of what impresses women as an adult.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14So I've come up with some bad ideas. A couple of years ago,
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I became obsessed with the idea that I needed to be more mysterious.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I watched Mad Men, the lead character in Mad Men is Don Draper, he's very
0:20:19 > 0:20:21mysterious. I thought, that's what I'll do, I'll be mysterious.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Turns out, I don't know anything about being mysterious.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26And when I try, it just comes off as threatening.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I once said to a woman with no discernible trace of irony,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30you have no idea what I am capable of.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Sometimes, it's not even like I'm trying to chat up these women.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Once, I went into this pub and I saw this girl I know,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43like I'm friends with her, and I went up behind her,
0:20:43 > 0:20:45put my hands on her shoulders and went to kiss her on the cheek
0:20:45 > 0:20:48and at this point I realised, this was not a girl I knew.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52This was a girl who looked like a girl I knew.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Now, let me just say this, that is an eminently retrievable situation.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58All you have to do is say, I do apologise, I thought
0:20:58 > 0:20:59you were someone else, have a nice day.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03What you must NOT do is have your hands on a woman's shoulders,
0:21:03 > 0:21:05be this close to her face and when she turns around
0:21:05 > 0:21:06just go, oh, dear!
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Because you have just scared a woman, ladies and gentlemen.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21So, like I say, I was born in this country, but my parents were not,
0:21:21 > 0:21:23and I'm really proud of the fact that I was born in Britain
0:21:23 > 0:21:25and really proud of the fact that my parents come from India.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28It's really exciting for me to be from both of those two things.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30I'm a very proud member of multicultural Britain.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32I really feel good about that, right?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34But some people don't like you to be both.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36They like you to pick one and stick with it.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Like, somebody said to me recently,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40a British man was saying to me, a white British man was saying,
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Nish, what would you do if India went to war with Britain?
0:21:42 > 0:21:48And I said, run! Because, I can't fight in a war!
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I couldn't even do sport!
0:21:50 > 0:21:53When I was a kid, the only sporting award I won was for cricket.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Now, they give out cricket awards every year.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57They were all very straightforward.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59There's Best Batsman, Best Bowler and Best Player.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02I didn't win any of those. The award I won was called Clubman Of The Year.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Which I subsequently found out was
0:22:04 > 0:22:07presented on the criteria of the boy who had shown the most enthusiasm
0:22:07 > 0:22:11in the face of, and I quote, and overwhelming lack of ability, so!
0:22:12 > 0:22:16You tell me whether I am an asset to any military?!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Ladies and gentlemen, you've been an absolute delight,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22my name is Nish Kumar, good night!
0:22:22 > 0:22:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Great stuff from Nish Kumar. OK!
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Your final act this evening is a brilliant guy.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40He was born in Mombasa, raised in London,
0:22:40 > 0:22:45super funny bloke who actually has got so many big ideas, that he
0:22:45 > 0:22:48could probably change the planet in which we live in.
0:22:48 > 0:22:53So, I think we should all hail our new world leader, it's Imran Yusuf!
0:22:53 > 0:22:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Hello, hello, hello, hello. BBC Radio Asian Network. This is cool.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08The thing is, I wasn't born in this country, I wasn't even born in Asia.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09I was actually born in East Africa.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Now, I know I don't look like somebody that was
0:23:12 > 0:23:15born in East Africa, but that's where I was born, Mombasa, Kenya.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17That's where my brothers were born, where my parents were born.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19My parents can speak an East African language.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23They speak Swahili. Fluently. But they never taught me or my brothers.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25So any time they want to talk about us in the house,
0:23:25 > 0:23:28they bust out the Swahili and we have no idea what's going on.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30And because of that, I've been trying to learn
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Swahili, because I want to claim some of my African heritage.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I've been learning Swahili from an iPad app.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40You know, every now and then, someone pops up and goes, ah,
0:23:40 > 0:23:41you are from Kenya!
0:23:41 > 0:23:44I am also from Kenya! HE SPEAKS SWAHILI
0:23:44 > 0:23:46And that used to catch me off guard, but now,
0:23:46 > 0:23:48I can look them straight in the face and go...
0:23:48 > 0:23:50HE SPEAKS SWAHILI
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Which stuns them, much like it has to you.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Mainly, because it means where are the suitcases?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04It was a free app.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07There wasn't many options in there for light
0:24:07 > 0:24:10conversation after a comedy club. What am I meant to do?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12So even though I come from East Africa, ethnically,
0:24:12 > 0:24:15though, I am Indian. My great-grandparents came from India.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17The reason I think we ended up in East Africa is cos at some
0:24:17 > 0:24:20point, a few hundred years ago, the British turned up in India,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23met my great-grandparents and said hey, would you like to come to
0:24:23 > 0:24:25East Africa and help us exploit some black people?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Yes, why not, everybody else is doing it.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30India is a fascinating place. It's incredible.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31Every time I've gone there,
0:24:31 > 0:24:33I've learned it's one of the fastest-growing economies
0:24:33 > 0:24:36in the world, and that is down to how hard the Indian people work.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38And it's an incredible thing to behold,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41because one day, that means that they might become number one.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43And they can't wait for that day.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46The day when they call their bank and they go through to a call centre...
0:24:48 > 0:24:51APPLAUSE
0:24:51 > 0:24:56And when you lot are going to have to put on a fake name
0:24:56 > 0:24:58and talk to them.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Oh, hello, my name is Maneesh.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02No, it's not. HE LAUGHS
0:25:08 > 0:25:10I realise India, even though that's where
0:25:10 > 0:25:12my ancestors come from, that's not where I fit in.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14I've been out to the Muslim world.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16I find that quite peculiar, cos I'm not an Arab, and
0:25:16 > 0:25:19cos I'm an Indian, they treat me like a bit of an outsider as well.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21I went to the UAE, the United Arab Emirates, run by Muslims,
0:25:21 > 0:25:23a lot of money there, relatively quite strict.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25I went to Dubai, you must be aware of Dubai.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Also run by Muslims, relatively quite strict.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30But a lot of British expats in Dubai. A lot of them, cos you know,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Sharia law isn't half as bad as paying your taxes!
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Oh, what's that?
0:25:40 > 0:25:43I get to keep what I earn and my wife knows not to get any ideas!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48I met this British couple in Dubai, and the wife is talking to me
0:25:48 > 0:25:51and her husband was there and she was like, you know what,
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Imran, we have a good quality of life here,
0:25:53 > 0:25:55a nice house, our kids go to a good school,
0:25:55 > 0:25:57it's safe, it's clean, it's efficient.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00But I'm not allowed to drive our family car
0:26:00 > 0:26:03unless my husband gives me his written consent.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06I was like, that's insane, how can you live in a place like that?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08And I look over her shoulder and her husband is going...
0:26:13 > 0:26:16He slept on the sofa that night. And she got deported.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Right, so where does that leave me?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23I don't fit into the country where I was born, I guess.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26I don't fit into the country of my religious affiliation or the country
0:26:26 > 0:26:29of my ancestry, so that leaves me with the UK, specifically England.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31I've grown up in England most of my life,
0:26:31 > 0:26:35and so it's affected how I feel I identify myself and how,
0:26:35 > 0:26:37especially when I identify myself abroad.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39And you know what, it's 2014, it's the 21st century
0:26:39 > 0:26:43and I feel that I can identify myself as English.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Now, I know some people have an issue with this,
0:26:45 > 0:26:48because this isn't classical English. This isn't original English.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50This is what I like to call English 2.0.
0:26:54 > 0:26:59I was assembled using foreign parts, manufactured overseas
0:26:59 > 0:27:02and sent over here to help undercut the domestic workforce.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04APPLAUSE
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Some of you applauded,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14the rest of you evidently voted for UKIP in that last election!
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Right. So, hey, English 2.0 is great.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19I came installed with an additional language and most of us come
0:27:19 > 0:27:21in a variety of different colours.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Mainly brown.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Right, we've got this sneaky Eastern European model doing
0:27:26 > 0:27:29the rounds at the moment, annoying everybody.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31A lot of people find it very confusing, because it
0:27:31 > 0:27:35looks like a lot of you, but sounds nothing like you, does it?!
0:27:35 > 0:27:38And you never know until it's too late.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42Until you walk into Nando's one day and go, good afternoon,
0:27:42 > 0:27:45may I have a chicken burger. Yes, one shicken booorger!
0:27:45 > 0:27:49And when brown people start laughing at the way that you talk, you know
0:27:49 > 0:27:51that you are now on the bottom rung.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54We've got a thing, the society that we live in now, we live
0:27:54 > 0:27:56in a society that's doing all kinds of crazy things.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58And we're in this horrible culture now, we hate the poor
0:27:58 > 0:28:00and we worship the wealthy. Hate the poor so bad.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Like, I give you an example, we exploit the poor on television.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05You saw that show on Channel 4.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08You know that show, Benefits Street, did you hear about Benefits Street?
0:28:08 > 0:28:11- ALL: Yes. - If you don't know what it was,
0:28:11 > 0:28:13it was a documentary about people who live on benefits.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16I didn't know that. When I heard about Benefits Street, I thought
0:28:16 > 0:28:21that was a budget box of chocolates that you could buy at Lidl!
0:28:21 > 0:28:23APPLAUSE
0:28:25 > 0:28:27That joke made it into the Telegraph's
0:28:27 > 0:28:29top jokes at the Fringe, thank you very much.
0:28:29 > 0:28:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. Thank you.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37I thought Benefits Street would be great,
0:28:37 > 0:28:39cos if you were on benefits, you can buy a box
0:28:39 > 0:28:41of Benefits Street and then you know what, there'd be chocolates
0:28:41 > 0:28:44in there that would have appealed to you if you were on benefits.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Chocolates you would have understood. You crack open a box and inside,
0:28:47 > 0:28:50you have little sticky tax evading toffs finger.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Little caramel immigrant.
0:28:52 > 0:28:56And my favourite, Bulgarian surprise!
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Which I thought for all of that advertising, there
0:28:59 > 0:29:00was only two in the box.
0:29:05 > 0:29:06We demonise the poor
0:29:06 > 0:29:09and then we worship the wealthy for no good reason.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11Last year, in this country,
0:29:11 > 0:29:14we took benefits away from single parents and the disabled.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17But at the same time, the royal family got a 10% raise.
0:29:17 > 0:29:1910%. That's a lot of money! That's a lot of money.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21OK, millions of pounds.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23Some people are cool with this, and go hey, man, don't talk
0:29:23 > 0:29:26out against the royal family like that, you should know better.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28The royal family, right, they deserve that 10% raise,
0:29:28 > 0:29:30because they are a tourist attraction.
0:29:30 > 0:29:35A tourist attraction. Well, so are the pigeons in Trafalgar Square.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38But once we realised that they were pests and snatching food
0:29:38 > 0:29:42out of the hands of ordinary people, we got rid of them.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:45 > 0:29:46You know what,
0:29:46 > 0:29:49I've got to be careful what I say about the royal family.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52The last Muslim bloke to get involved with them didn't come out of it good!
0:29:55 > 0:29:57Do we have actual Scottish people in the house?
0:29:57 > 0:29:59Scottish people. I love Scottish people.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02Scottish people, also do we have any Irish and Welsh, by any chance?
0:30:02 > 0:30:03CHEERING
0:30:03 > 0:30:07Don't worry, I'm not from immigration!
0:30:07 > 0:30:10This would be one hell of a disguise if I was!
0:30:10 > 0:30:13So, how long do you intend to stay, hmmm?!
0:30:13 > 0:30:15Get ouuuuut!
0:30:18 > 0:30:21What I discovered, Scottish people, Irish people
0:30:21 > 0:30:24and Welsh people collectively, you guys are known as the Celtic people.
0:30:24 > 0:30:26- Is that correct? - ALL: Yes.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28When I discovered that about you guys,
0:30:28 > 0:30:31I realised that I love you guys the most. You know why?
0:30:31 > 0:30:35Because you guys are the Palestinians of the British Isles.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41This was all yours.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43You had your own language, culture, way of life.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46Before you were invaded and occupied. You guys want to get to fighting.
0:30:46 > 0:30:50Some of you are looking at me, going, what happened to English 2.0, bro?
0:30:50 > 0:30:53And there is this horrible sentiment...
0:30:53 > 0:30:54WOMAN HECKLES
0:30:54 > 0:30:57It's already, sweetheart, I bought my own material.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:01 > 0:31:02Bless her,
0:31:02 > 0:31:05she's probably just alarmed that I'm even speaking English.
0:31:05 > 0:31:10Probably upset I haven't come out and brought her menu. So...
0:31:10 > 0:31:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:13 > 0:31:14But, I'll tell you guys,
0:31:14 > 0:31:17when I do the comedy clubs back home in England, there's
0:31:17 > 0:31:20a horrible sentiment that goes around the comedy clubs in England.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22Scotland can't be independent. They don't know what they're doing.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24They're too backwards and stupid. They can't cope on their own.
0:31:24 > 0:31:25They need the rest of Britain.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27You don't realise how defiant Scotland is.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30And how defiant the Scottish spirit is. And I'll give you an example.
0:31:30 > 0:31:32Scotland is the most defiant country on planet Earth.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34You think Cuba is defiant? Because they stood up to the US
0:31:34 > 0:31:36and said no, we're going to say no to democracy,
0:31:36 > 0:31:39we're going to have communism? You think some of these
0:31:39 > 0:31:42countries and their Arab Spring, that mashed up the place and tore
0:31:42 > 0:31:45down the dictatorships, only to have them replaced by new ones, right...?
0:31:45 > 0:31:47You think those guys are defiant? No!
0:31:47 > 0:31:50Scotland is the most defiant country on planet Earth, you know why?
0:31:50 > 0:31:54Cos Scotland is the only country on planet Earth where
0:31:54 > 0:31:57Coca-Cola cannot become the number one selling soft drink.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:32:06 > 0:32:09Cos you guys have got Irn Bru!
0:32:09 > 0:32:12You don't even spell it right out of spite!
0:32:15 > 0:32:18The rest of the world, we don't even know what it is.
0:32:18 > 0:32:20It's just luminous orange. We think it's radioactive.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23That's why we're too scared to drink it.
0:32:23 > 0:32:24You guys drink so much of it,
0:32:24 > 0:32:27no wonder this is the primordial soup of people with orange hair!
0:32:33 > 0:32:35Guys, you have been a total pleasure.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38Thank you very much for supporting the BBC Radio Asian Network
0:32:38 > 0:32:40Comedy Show.
0:32:40 > 0:32:44We appreciate it. My name is Imran Yusuf. Peace out. God bless.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:32:51 > 0:32:54Wow. I love him. Love him. Imran Yusuf, everybody!
0:32:54 > 0:32:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Very good.
0:32:57 > 0:33:01One more time, big round of applause for your performers this
0:33:01 > 0:33:04evening, your comedians, Shazia Mirza.
0:33:04 > 0:33:07CHEERING
0:33:07 > 0:33:09In Cahoots.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11CHEERING
0:33:11 > 0:33:12Nish Kumar!
0:33:12 > 0:33:13CHEERING
0:33:13 > 0:33:15And Imran Yusuf.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:33:17 > 0:33:20And a big thank you to all of you here tonight in Edinburgh.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22Have a good night. Thank you. Thank you.