0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:10- Romi, I want you to visit Sri Lanka. - Would you like to do that, darling? - No.- Why not?
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Sorry.
0:00:12 > 0:00:13Jesus Christ!
0:00:13 > 0:00:17My name's Romesh Ranganathan, and I know absolutely nothing
0:00:17 > 0:00:19about the culture of where my family are from.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21My feet are actually burning.
0:00:21 > 0:00:25I know more about Horsham. That's sad, isn't it?
0:00:26 > 0:00:30You are a Sri Lankan but you're a coconut, isn't it?
0:00:30 > 0:00:31Ow! Jesus!
0:00:31 > 0:00:34- What do you mean, a coconut? - Born and brought up in England,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37- so you speak English, you don't know the language.- You made me a coconut!
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Whoa!
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Yeah, I'm sending you to Sri Lanka to learn about the religion,
0:00:42 > 0:00:43the language,
0:00:43 > 0:00:47about my relations and learn about their culture.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Shit!
0:00:52 > 0:00:55My mum's putting me up for doing a tour of Sri Lanka.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58I do want to go and do it, but I'm not doing it cos my mum told me to,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01except for the fact that my mum told me to and I am doing it.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Whoa! Oh! Oh! Ah! Ow!
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Mate, OK. You know, I'm done, I'm done!
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Rom, you know, I'm sending you to Sri Lanka,
0:01:19 > 0:01:23and you have not seen me watching so many Tamil soap.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26I enjoy watching them.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I will be really happy if you take part in one of the soaps.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32I can't act in English. Why would I then...?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34So you don't want to learn Tamil at all?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Imagine they'll say to me, "OK, so then your next line is..."
0:01:37 > 0:01:39HE IMITATES TAMIL WORDS
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- You're taking the mickey. - I'm not taking the mickey, but...
0:01:41 > 0:01:44No, Romesh, you may be good at it. Never know.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Is that how it works? You just go and say I'd quite like to be in it?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I mean, they, they will do the audition.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53If they are happy with it, they will give you a little, little part, uh?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55All right, I'll think about it.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57I'd be very proud of you, mind.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Then I can show off to my friends and enjoy.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08It feels like, you know, with some of the things,
0:02:08 > 0:02:10my mum has gone, do this cos it'd be good experience
0:02:10 > 0:02:12for you to get involved in the culture,
0:02:12 > 0:02:14or get to know your culture.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Whereas this seems to be just doing it because it's something that my mum would like to do.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19My mum was an actor when she was growing up.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21This is something she would want to do,
0:02:21 > 0:02:24so now she's living vicariously through me
0:02:24 > 0:02:26by sending me to this thing which, by the way,
0:02:26 > 0:02:28we're doing unacceptably early.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32So I'm doing something that I don't really have a clue about
0:02:32 > 0:02:34and I haven't had enough sleep.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38So it, it is, I think the showbiz term is "a clusterfuck".
0:02:45 > 0:02:48So I've come here for a filmed audition and, er, well,
0:02:48 > 0:02:52apparently if I'm any good, they'll actually use my scenes in the soap.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55We've turned up and it's like I don't know what this is.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58I thought it was going to be like EastEnders.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Hello. Hello, I'm Romesh.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02- Hi.- Hello, how are you?
0:03:02 > 0:03:06- Hello, Sir.- What's your name? - I'm Bala.- Bala?- Yeah.- Hello.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09You're the hero, Darshan.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11- Heroine, hello.- Hi.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Hello, nice to meet you.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Well, the big problem is I don't speak Tamil.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- OK. OK.- I only speak English.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20I know.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Yeah, but I can't. I mean, I can't.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27I mean, I can't even read that.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I feel guilty about not speaking Tamil,
0:03:31 > 0:03:32but this is an impossible situation.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36But, having said all of that, I'm going to throw myself into it.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40Well, I was about to say I'm going to throw myself into it 100%,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42but I can't speak Tamil,
0:03:42 > 0:03:46so my effort will be 100%, my ability will be in the tens.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49You want to say...
0:03:49 > 0:03:51SHE SAYS TAMIL PHRASE AND ROMESH REPEATS
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Well, that bit was very complicated, so...
0:03:56 > 0:04:02- HE SAYS PHRASE AND ROMESH REPEATS ANGRILY - Ah, correct.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Can't remember the line. What's the first bit?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- HE REPEATS TAMIL PHRASE - Your mum'll be pleased.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10I think she'd be delighted that I've just come to humiliate myself.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Look like a prick on one of her favourite shows.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- I'm your best friend. All right. This is your girlfriend.- Yeah.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I'm using your phone, you doesn't know that matter. OK?
0:04:19 > 0:04:23- So you've been using my phone? - Texting to your girlfriends.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25You son of a bitch.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- Hey, this is a scene. - Yeah, no, I know, I know. No, I was just acting. I was acting.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- OK, OK.- I was acting, I was acting. - Yeah, that's acting.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36So you've been texting girls from my phone?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Yeah. From your phone. OK? Using your phone.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43THEY REPEAT A TAMIL PHRASE
0:04:45 > 0:04:46OK.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47TAMIL DIALOGUE
0:04:50 > 0:04:52What was the last one? Last bit?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55HE SAYS TAMIL PHRASE Can I write this down? Have you got a pen?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- Yeah, right. - Pen please. Oh, thank you.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00There's no way we can shoot this.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Action.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07ANGRY TAMIL PHRASES
0:05:11 > 0:05:13- Learn.- OK.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17Imagine if you got a Sri Lankan person that only spoke Tamil
0:05:17 > 0:05:19and you put him in EastEnders,
0:05:19 > 0:05:21and you went "Just riff it with Danny Dyer."
0:05:21 > 0:05:24It's like, "What's going on 'ere?" "Whata-what-whata?"
0:05:24 > 0:05:27That's basically the opposite of what I'm doing now.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30HE SAYS TAMIL PHRASE AND ROMESH REPEATS
0:05:31 > 0:05:34It's really complicated words. Lots of syllables.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36No, for you it is.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38ROMESH PRACTISES TAMIL PHRASE
0:05:41 > 0:05:42I'm never gonna remember it.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- OK? - HE REPEATS TAMIL PHRASE
0:05:45 > 0:05:46No, but we'll do it.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49Action!
0:05:49 > 0:05:50HE ATTEMPTS TAMIL PHRASE
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Cut.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00SHE SPEAKS ANGRILY
0:06:00 > 0:06:01Cut!
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Action!
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Oh! SHE SPEAKS ANGRILY IN TAMIL
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- Cut!- Shit!
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Action!
0:06:16 > 0:06:19HE SPEAKS TAMIL PHRASES
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Oh!
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- Cut! One more take. - No more take, mate. You joking?
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Action.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31ANGRY TAMIL DIALOGUE
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- Cut! - Just slapped the shit out of me!
0:06:39 > 0:06:41You can't say I made a success of it.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43They're not gonna cast me now in it. Do you know what I mean?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45They didn't actually think I was good.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47They were being friendly and polite.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50That doesn't mean... You know, it went as well as it could have done,
0:06:50 > 0:06:53which is I was crap and they weren't horrible about it.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55That's the summary of it, wasn't it?
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Action. No, no. Cut. That's enough.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00- Yeah?- OK.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01It's a wrap.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02Smashed it.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06If I learned Tamil and come back, can I have a part? Like, what...?
0:07:09 > 0:07:10You reckon I could be in the show?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I might just have a quick walk just down there and learn some Tamil.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I'm just gonna learn to speak Tamil. See you later.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21HE PRACTISES TAMIL PHRASES
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Well, that didn't go brilliantly but I have had an idea
0:07:27 > 0:07:30and to help me with it, I'm gonna call my Uncle Rags.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32He helped me out a few weeks ago.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- Hello? - All right, Rags, it's Rom.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Listen, I need to ask you a favour.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Look, Mum sent to go and act in a Tamil TV show today, right?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46And I sort of came across,
0:07:46 > 0:07:51sort of, came up with the idea of making, like, a Tamil short film,
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Like, I could just do like a few minutes, sort of, short film.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55So I'm gonna do like a love story
0:07:55 > 0:07:58and then a fight scene and stuff like that.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01It's like a Tamil style but in English.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I'm calling you because I, sort of, wondered
0:08:06 > 0:08:08if you could come here and help me with it.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Yeah.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19RAP MUSIC
0:08:21 > 0:08:26My idea is to make an English tribute to Tamil films.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Like a cultural thing
0:08:27 > 0:08:30and a big thing of Tamil culture is movies.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31It's a big deal.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34My Uncle Rags has come out to help me out with it.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36He's got a guy that knows locations.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38So we've got, we've got a fabulous location...
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Fabulous location set up for it.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42I think your mum had a vision
0:08:42 > 0:08:45of you doing completely different stuff to making a short film.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47No. I appreciate that. We did have other stuff organised
0:08:47 > 0:08:52but we're not doing that, because we're doing something much better. Get on board.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56AGGRESSIVE RAP MUSIC
0:09:00 > 0:09:03You love doing Sri Lankan food, Romesh.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07- Yeah.- You should learn to cook. You love aubergine curry so much.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11I want you to go and learn how to cook aubergine curry.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Why don't you take a cookery lesson
0:09:13 > 0:09:16or learn from somebody how to cook that curry.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18And surprise me one day.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Come here... "Mum, I'm doing the cooking."
0:09:20 > 0:09:23I will ask, "What are you going to cook?"
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- It's a surprise. - I think it might be aubergine curry.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29So what are we doing this morning, Romesh?
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Oh, I need to get a cast for the film.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- Are you gonna make notes? - Yeah.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38So we're not doing cooking today?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41No.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I sent out a tweet saying if anybody wants to be in a short film to come here
0:09:45 > 0:09:49and then we're just gonna do like open auditions.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55We're gonna be here all day.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58We're gonna see what Sri Lanka's got to offer.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Do you girls do any acting?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04- No.- No.- No.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08- So we'd have to have them as dancers.- Yeah.- Next please!
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- Hello. Have you got a performance for us, that you're gonna show us? - Yeah. I'm going to sing.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- Do you do any acting? - Sorry?- Acting?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Acting? I'm not good.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19- You're not good.- Ah.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- I think, I don't think I can. - OK.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I said, if you want to be in my short film,
0:10:26 > 0:10:28come to the open audition.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Maybe I should have specified
0:10:30 > 0:10:32that I want you to be an actor.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36NOISY DRUM AND BASS MUSIC
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Do you do any acting?
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Er, no.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58No? OK.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03The next guy stepped it up into the next level of weird shit.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Oh, shit.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09What is it?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Oh, my God!
0:11:12 > 0:11:13There are two snakes in a basket.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Sounds like the worst bloody takeaway dish ever.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21SNAKE HISSES Ugh!
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- Hello, mate.- It is coming over!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Shh!
0:11:26 > 0:11:28That guy's a no-no, do you know what I mean?
0:11:28 > 0:11:32You walk into a room, but you don't see me.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35You see...tits!
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Beeg Brahamin boobs.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Pretty porcelain pairs.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Irrationally enhanced wares.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46You walk into a room. But you don't see me.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48You see...tits.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Tiiiiiits!
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- Thank you.- No, that was great.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Well done. Really fun, that was really good.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01That was really good. Can you do acting, yeah?
0:12:01 > 0:12:02You've done acting on stage.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Yes, yes. I...I do essentially stage.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- That's your main...bag. - That's kind of the main thing, yeah.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09I mean, there's two things.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12One is, I automatically when you came in, I was actually
0:12:12 > 0:12:17looking at your face more, because you've got a reasonably pretty face.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Oh, thank you.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21But then the minute you started the tits, then it stood out to me
0:12:21 > 0:12:24that also...that's pretty good department, there, as well.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I don't think I've got any more questions. Have you any, Rags?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- Very impressed, certainly. - Yeah. Lovely to meet you.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Thanks.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36You can't...say what you just said to her.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40You said you've got a reasonably pretty face. "Reasonably", you said.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44That I found offensive, right? A back-handed compliment.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46And then you followed it up by saying,
0:12:46 > 0:12:50"when you were talking about tits I realised that you were OK in that department as well."
0:12:50 > 0:12:52In that department you're all right.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56I've had to, sort of, just say to him, maybe set a few ground rules,
0:12:56 > 0:12:57but every time I set a ground rule,
0:12:57 > 0:13:02he finds a new type of question to ask. Just batshit crazy.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Can you do anything else?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05What about running around and stuff like that?
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- Would you?- Ah.- Running around?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Could we borrow that what you're wearing?
0:13:10 > 0:13:11What?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14If you were just stood there and someone actually pretended,
0:13:14 > 0:13:17like, beating you, can you do that sort of thing?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19I can do some fighting moves, I guess.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21- Yeah? - Kick a guy in the face.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23You kick a guy in the face?
0:13:23 > 0:13:24I mean, if you want me too.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26See? He can do that.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Are you available on Friday?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30- Yeah, I am. - You are. He could be the henchman.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33When you asked that question, I thought it was...
0:13:33 > 0:13:37I thought it was a crazy question to ask but, actually, it was good, wasn't it?
0:13:38 > 0:13:41I am actually, I'll be honest with you, quite happy with today.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45I was...I was really depressed after the first three.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Especially after snake man, I just felt shit
0:13:49 > 0:13:52but, actually, I think we've got some people that I think
0:13:52 > 0:13:53we can use in the film.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57One of them I think is a potential leading lady, the tits girl.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59So I'm actually really happy, and Rags,
0:13:59 > 0:14:03as much as I had to rein him in, was actually very useful.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I've basically organised to meet a proper film star
0:14:13 > 0:14:16to be in the film. They've agreed to be in the film.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17You know, he's a big star.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Got in touch with him.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Sorted it.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22That's just how I operate.
0:14:26 > 0:14:31You know, when I was a little girl, there's a very famous place.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33It's called Sigiriya.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34I was seven years old, I think.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38I never got to know the history of that place.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Do me a favour, you know.
0:14:40 > 0:14:45Go there and learn the history of why that Sigiriya is...
0:14:45 > 0:14:46What actually is it?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49It's like a big...
0:14:49 > 0:14:51There are so many steps you have to climb.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53What happens at the top?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55I can't remember, Romesh. I really can't remember.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58You want me to climb the steps to find out if there's a point
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- to climbing all the steps?- No! First you learn the history.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05- Does your mum know what you're doing?- She doesn't need to, she's got no idea about this.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Listen, if you really want to do Sig, Sig, Sigu...
0:15:07 > 0:15:09- Sigiriya.- Sigiriya.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12If you really want to do Sigiriya, just get another brown guy
0:15:12 > 0:15:15and film him, I don't think people will notice.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I'm going to be meeting a film star and making a movie.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26So, what's the go? You've got some star coming?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28The star is going to meet us here.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Who is he?
0:15:29 > 0:15:30His name...
0:15:31 > 0:15:33..is King Kong.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- What?- I'm surprised you haven't heard of him.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- I haven't heard of him. - He's like a massive Tamil film star.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43- Main actor?- Yeah. Like one of the big, main dudes.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45It is a great name, King Kong.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47You wouldn't call your kid King Kong, would you?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50But then, if your surname is Kong, there's every possibility.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52I would have called him King.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56No, but if your surname's Kong, then that's the last name you would give.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Two names you don't give a kid if your surname's Kong - King and Hong.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01If the surname is Dong,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04it's more likely the guy's first name will be Ding.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- Correct?- No, it's less likely.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09So, this King Kong, we're going to meet him?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Mate, this is him, this is him.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12This is him!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Oh, my God.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15How are you?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17So good to meet you.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19So yeah, I recognise him.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22He's done some dancing, so he's a good mover.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- Yeah!- Yeah!- Yeah, OK.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25I think Rags was impressed.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27He recognised him as soon as he saw him.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- Want to show him that, or...? - Yeah, I can show him that.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34What I'd like from him is for him to train me
0:16:34 > 0:16:38in how to be an authentic sort of Tamil movie star.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Teach me some of his dance moves,
0:16:40 > 0:16:44because I know that he's the expert, and I'm just like the student.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52He's going to just show you a few different moves, right?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- OK.- So he's going to start with that, and you can follow.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58- We're doing a crash course?- Yeah, you've got to follow him.- OK, great.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59You're the boss.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04MUSIC: It's Tricky by Run-DMC
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- # It's tricky - Tricky, tricky, tricky
0:17:07 > 0:17:09# It's tricky to rock a rhyme
0:17:09 > 0:17:10# To rock a rhyme that's right on time
0:17:10 > 0:17:12# It's tricky
0:17:12 > 0:17:14# Tricky, tricky, tricky
0:17:14 > 0:17:16# I met this little girlie
0:17:16 > 0:17:18# Her hair was kinda curly
0:17:18 > 0:17:20# Went to her house and bust her out
0:17:20 > 0:17:22# I had to leave real early
0:17:22 > 0:17:23# These girls are really sleazy
0:17:23 > 0:17:25# All they just say is please me
0:17:25 > 0:17:27# Or spend some time and rock a rhyme
0:17:27 > 0:17:29# I said, "It's not that easy"... #
0:17:29 > 0:17:33He's just a nice guy, like he's how I hoped he was going to be.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35He showed me some dance stuff.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I mean, that's pretty amazing.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40HE SPEAKS IN TAMIL
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Emotion! Dance.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Emotion. OK?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Romesh, what he's saying is now he's going to show you
0:17:50 > 0:17:52how to do the love dance.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- You know, like in the movie, you have to do...- Oh, yeah.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58What he wants you to do is watch him carefully.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01First, you try to do like he's the girl,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03she's trying to hide and things like that.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- She's running away and hiding?- Yeah.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I'm chasing her, I find her and grab her. Like that?
0:18:08 > 0:18:09Slower.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Yeah, like you're longing.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12MUSIC: Dilemma by Kelly Rowland
0:18:12 > 0:18:14# I love you
0:18:14 > 0:18:17# I need you
0:18:17 > 0:18:18# Nelly, I... #
0:18:18 > 0:18:20So I just chase her and...
0:18:24 > 0:18:27What I felt uncomfortable with was the chasing the girl.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31He explained it like you've basically got to do a playful thing,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33when the girl's running away from you,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36and then you keep chasing her and you keep grabbing at her.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39I mean that is a sex attack, that's not...
0:18:39 > 0:18:42That isn't romantic.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Unfortunately, the romance dance, he's now being honest with you,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49maybe he's not quite convinced with that.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53- What do you mean?- I think you needed to give it a bit more, you know...
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Dude, I chased him round the pillar!
0:18:55 > 0:18:58You haven't got concerns that maybe you should not worry
0:18:58 > 0:19:00about doing this film any more?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Why would I not want to do the film?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05How...? The guy agreed to be in it.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07He's got 19 million views on YouTube.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12He's like one of the biggest Tamil stars of all time,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14and he's agreed to be in my film.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17I don't see how this fits in with the plans that your mum's made.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20She's been a long time thinking about your experience in Sri Lanka,
0:19:20 > 0:19:24and now you're, what feels like, to be honest, messing around.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27I'm doing a Tamil film! It's a once in a lifetime opportunity.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Megastar. Me.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Tamil film I've written, directed.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Boom! Deliver it. Bam! "Mum, I made a Tamil film."
0:19:34 > 0:19:36She's going to be, "Oh, my God, I've lost my shit!"
0:19:45 > 0:19:46You know, we've got a cast.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50Don't actually have a storyline or an idea for the film yet.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52I don't know if anyone's ever said this,
0:19:52 > 0:19:54but tonight I have to write a film...
0:19:54 > 0:19:56because we're making it tomorrow.
0:19:56 > 0:20:01It might just be five minutes of King Kong dicking about.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05That would still be better than what I've currently got planned.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09So, I don't know, just put a grass skirt on him and see what happens.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13I'm actually genuinely shitting myself. That's the truth of it.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17So, it's a big day.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19I still haven't written anything but I'm not worried
0:20:19 > 0:20:22because we're going to the Tamil soaps' prop place
0:20:22 > 0:20:24to get some inspiration.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26I'm pretty sure that's how Spielberg does it.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Is this it?
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Let's have a look back here.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Look at this.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42That's all right... What is it?
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Ahh!
0:20:43 > 0:20:46This could be a good thing to smash on the head.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Know what I mean?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53So, Rom, I don't know.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55There's not much here, mate, unfortunately, eh?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Does it look like a realistic weapon?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01I think we're going to have to scale back our ambitions.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07What about like small bombs or hand grenades?
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Well... You saw this and thought about hand grenades, didn't you?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16What about a massive peacock?
0:21:17 > 0:21:21This could be sitting like a big art piece in the house,
0:21:21 > 0:21:23fits in with the scene.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25You just put your hand through it, mate.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Smash it.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30They're not going to let us smash this peacock.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- They might allow it. Why don't you ask them?- OK.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Just think, so maybe that, just...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37We'll take it, anyway, right?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39I mean, if you need to use it, mate.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41I'm just thinking there's nothing else here, so...
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Does this hurt? Turn around.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Oh! Shit!
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Well, I guess we're making a film about a fucking peacock.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Well, we're here at our location.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04All the actors are coming here.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07I don't actually 100% know that they're coming.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10All I know is I got an e-mail saying we'll try and sort something out.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- So...- Yeah?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- Well...- But, they are coming?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Well, I haven't had a confirmation.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Right guys, can I have you over here, please?
0:22:19 > 0:22:24We're going to start filming the most complicated scene first. Yeah?
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Fight scene one, take one.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Action!
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- Yeah, that's fine, isn't it? - Yeah, looks good.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37Fighters!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Right, can this BBC crew get out of the way please -
0:22:41 > 0:22:42you're blocking my shot.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Out the way, guys, come on. Time is money, guys, all right?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Action. Come on!
0:22:48 > 0:22:51The message of the film was supposed to be
0:22:51 > 0:22:56this is a second generation Sri Lankan
0:22:56 > 0:22:58making his tribute to Tamil cinema.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01I got carried away a bit,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04and it sort of looks more like a martial arts film.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07THEY GRUNT
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Cut!
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Smashed it.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14What do you think so far? Exciting, wasn't it?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16OK, action!
0:23:17 > 0:23:19How did that look? All right?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Well, the fight scene was unbelievable.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23- Rom?- Yeah.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25- Blood splatter? - Yeah, we'll add that in post.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Probably about two and a half hours left,
0:23:27 > 0:23:31you've probably got about 25 seconds in the can.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33But what are 25 seconds?
0:23:33 > 0:23:36You know, I've seen films that are two and half, three hours,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39and they're rubbish. I've got 25 seconds of pure gold.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Now that is great.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42Action!
0:23:42 > 0:23:45How many minutes do you want this movie to be?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48I'd like at least a minute. At the moment we're less than half that.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51OK, so just re-run it twice.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- I didn't realise you spoke Spanish. - Cut!
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Action!
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Oh, look! It's Romesh and Rags.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- Rex? Rags?- Cut!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06What on Earth was that?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08You've got to lay the smack down.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09Action!
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Gosh, it's Romesh and Rags!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Cut. That's great. It's a wrap.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I don't know what to do, man. This...
0:24:28 > 0:24:30She's gone.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32- What?- She's gone.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34She was madly in love with you, mate.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36That's what I thought, but this guy,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39he's got like a big house, he's got money...
0:24:40 > 0:24:43He's good looking, he's slim, it just...
0:24:43 > 0:24:46You're a man, right? Stop fucking crying like a girl, right?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48We can get this girl back, all right?
0:24:48 > 0:24:52- It's not too late, we can get her. I've got a plan.- What plan?
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Let's do the peacock thing.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Peacock thing?
0:24:55 > 0:24:56The peacock thing.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Romesh never bought me wine.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05PHONE RINGS
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Peacock?
0:25:09 > 0:25:11For me?
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Let him in.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23That's when he said to me, "I didn't realise you spoke Spanish!"
0:25:27 > 0:25:29It's Romesh and Rags!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34We've got intruders in the house. Get them.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Come on!
0:25:39 > 0:25:44GRUNTING AND SHOUTING
0:26:16 > 0:26:18No!!!!
0:26:23 > 0:26:24King Kong!
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Yes!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35HE SHOUTS IN TAMIL
0:27:01 > 0:27:03- Where is he?- No!- Where is he? - Romesh, watch out!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- Ahh!- No, no!
0:27:19 > 0:27:22I'm fine! I'm...
0:27:23 > 0:27:25HE SOBS
0:27:38 > 0:27:39King Kong!
0:27:55 > 0:27:57I reckon it'll win the award.
0:27:57 > 0:27:58What award?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00British movie thing.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02The British movie thing?
0:28:02 > 0:28:04- Yeah, like BAFTA or something. - Right, yeah.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06You are going to Sri Lanka?
0:28:06 > 0:28:08I fancy coming as well.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09All right, my son?
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Ohhh!
0:28:11 > 0:28:12Aaghh!
0:28:12 > 0:28:15You made lots of friends here.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18You're a dickhead, you are. Honest to God.