0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08I always wanted to go to America with you to see the family.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10It's going to be shit.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Waaaah!
0:00:14 > 0:00:15I am going on a trip of a lifetime.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17Except I've got to take my mum.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23This trip is about getting to know the part of my family
0:00:23 > 0:00:26that ended up settling in North America.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Seeing what my life might have been like
0:00:29 > 0:00:33if my mum and dad hadn't selected the delights of Crawley.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Oh, my God! Oh, shit! Come on.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36Last time, when we went to Sri Lanka,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38I did what my mum told me to do.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40But, this time, we're doing what I want to do.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Yeah, ha, ha!
0:00:43 > 0:00:45- Do you feel like you're in control? - No.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47There's no more mad, religious ceremonies.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Ooooh!
0:00:49 > 0:00:51There's no more me getting beaten up.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56There's no more me falling victim to family pressure.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Would you prefer that your mother was not on this trip?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03This time, I'm in charge.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05We're doing what I want to do on this trip.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10I mean, obviously, I haven't actually told my mum that.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11I'm the Asian Provocateur.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14- Well, who the hell am I, then? - The Asian Provocateur's mum.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Whoa! Oh, my God!
0:01:16 > 0:01:18SHOT FIRED
0:01:18 > 0:01:19- Jesus!- Shut up!
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- Can I ask a question? - Yes, darling. What is it?
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- Why are we going to Canada? - There's a family reunion.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Everybody's coming to Canada.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Did they organise the reunion, and we happened to be there,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43or did we happen to be there,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46and you told them and now they've organised a reunion?
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I told them, they're organising the reunion.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50You could have gone to Canada any time.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52But you've decided to... HE CLICKS
0:01:52 > 0:01:55..our America trip. Do you know what I mean?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- Well, don't just do that face. - I have told them.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01They are organising it. We should be there.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03That's it, end of the story.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07OK? You take it or leave it.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- Leave it. - You're not going to leave it.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- OK, so, it's just take it, then? - Take it. Yeah, take it.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17# When it's shut down that's not me, and it's shut down
0:02:17 > 0:02:20# Ring ring, it's shut down Fashion week and it's shut down... #
0:02:20 > 0:02:24We're in Toronto, Canada, to see my family.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27I love my family in Canada, and I do like Canada.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Having said all that,
0:02:28 > 0:02:32it wouldn't be on my top five list of things to do in America.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Because it isn't in America.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36# She rolled in, and it's shut down
0:02:36 > 0:02:38# Boy better know when it's shut down... #
0:02:38 > 0:02:40- Yo!- Hi!
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Hey!
0:02:42 > 0:02:45My mum's lined up for me to basically spend the day
0:02:45 > 0:02:48with my cousin doing some breakdancing.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51How old is he?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53He's seven.
0:02:53 > 0:02:58- Hello. Sean, how are you? - How are you?- I'm good, thank you.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00So, what is the plan for today?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02We are going to Sean's school,
0:03:02 > 0:03:05and they going to have, you know, a show with you,
0:03:05 > 0:03:08and Sean's going to do a breakdance.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10The problem we have is that I can't actually...
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- I can't actually breakdance. - I'll teach you.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15You'll teach me?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- Yeah, I'll teach you how to do - breakdance. OK, here we go.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Drop it low.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Sean's a great kid. I really like him.
0:03:35 > 0:03:40I am worried about how this performance is going to go down.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42You know, he's got a lot of enthusiasm,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44he's got a lot of energy.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- You're saying that in a way that makes you think...- No, I'm not.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48I'm just saying he's got loads of enthusiasm,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50loads of energy.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53He's going to do a performance in front of his school this afternoon.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56My concern is we might have bitten off
0:03:56 > 0:03:59more than we can body pop.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03We are hiring a local group to come and teach you...
0:04:03 > 0:04:07dancing, breakdance or the hip-hop or whatever.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Do a good job, man.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- Don't muck it up.- Why do you think I'm going to muck it up?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Knowing you, you might do it.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16MUSIC: Breathe And Stop by Q-Tip
0:04:18 > 0:04:21OK, so these are the guys that are going to teach us, apparently.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- Romesh. How you doing? - Nice to meet you.- Hey,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25nice to meet you, man.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27We're going to learn a basic combo this way.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30So, we're down here.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33We go right. On the other side.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Fourth one is here.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37A crossover this way, yeah.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41One, two, three, four. Right, left.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Back, right.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Right, turn, and...
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Hey!
0:04:49 > 0:04:51There you go.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- You guys want to try with music? - Yes!
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Yeah, I've absolutely mastered it, mate, no worries. I'm ready.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Speed it up, if anything.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00We are not prepared, are we?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02What they showed us, that we struggled to do,
0:05:02 > 0:05:06lasts about ten seconds. We weren't even doing it in time together.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08So, essentially, the show will be two people
0:05:08 > 0:05:10who are shit at a routine,
0:05:10 > 0:05:13practising it over and over again in front of an audience.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16That's like the beginning of my stand-up career.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Let's just dance, let's just dance. Dance.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Let's just party.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25So, now, we've got however long we've got
0:05:25 > 0:05:28until the performance to turn what is, I would say,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31a disaster, into some sort of - not success -
0:05:31 > 0:05:35just a situation where he can continue to go to school
0:05:35 > 0:05:37without there being massive issues.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41We've got about an hour.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43There are going to be massive issues.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- Sean? We need to practise our routine.- OK.
0:05:51 > 0:05:56- Do you remember how it starts? - Like...this.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- Step here.- Yeah.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Then step here.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- Yeah.- Then one step back, like the cross.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05'When we were given the training,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07'they did the bit where they all gathered around in a circle,
0:06:07 > 0:06:09'and I was watching Sean, and I realised'
0:06:09 > 0:06:12when he's doing that, that's when that little guy's free.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15I don't think we're going to do well just doing that little routine.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17I think we need to do what you do best.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- Random dancing, yeah?- Yeah!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- But you've got to go really big, do you know what I mean?- Like...
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Yeah, even bigger than that.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29OK, less...
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Not as big as that, not as big as that, but that's good. That's good.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33- We're going to do that, right?- Yeah.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Forget the routine.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Just let the music take you.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38And I'll follow you.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Boys and girls, we have a very special treat today.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45We have Sean and his cousin Romesh.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48They're going to teach us breakdancing.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- Who's excited for breakdancing? - We are!
0:06:50 > 0:06:51That's great.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Three, two, one. Go.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59MUSIC: Lean Back by Terror Squad
0:07:00 > 0:07:03# Throw your hands in the air right now, man
0:07:03 > 0:07:05# Feel this right here... #
0:07:05 > 0:07:06OK, Go crazy.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09# We just pull up our pants And do the Roc-away
0:07:09 > 0:07:12# Now lean back, lean back
0:07:12 > 0:07:14# Lean back, lean back... #
0:07:14 > 0:07:19What would you call that sort of dance that you both did today?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21I don't think it has a name.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23It's the physical movement equivalent
0:07:23 > 0:07:24of speaking in tongues.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28You know, the music just takes you over.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31And you just go for it.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37OK, everybody, gather round.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Basically, I have smashed today.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Three, two, one, pose.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48He went into the classroom, impressed in front of his class.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50High five, yo!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53He's going to get so much action now, as a result of that.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56In a few years' time, when it's appropriate.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02By action, I mean...
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Let's leave it.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05I mean, like holding hands,
0:08:05 > 0:08:07going to get an ice cream together or something...
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Today, you know, nice location, in the middle of Toronto.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21I've brought my mum here. She's in a good mood.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22And it's good she's in a good mood,
0:08:22 > 0:08:24because this is where I'm planning to leave her.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29So, you're going to be all right for two days, yeah?
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Of course I will be.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Make sure you ask uncle to get your phone sorted out, yeah?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35I thought you are getting me a new phone?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38No, but I think if you've got two days, you can ask him to get
0:08:38 > 0:08:39you the phone, can't you?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I'm very excited. I've got a relative visiting who's taking me,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45and me and him are going to hang out for a couple of days.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Who are you meeting?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52He's a man with connections all around the world.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55He's sort of like an enigma, wrapped in a puzzle,
0:08:55 > 0:08:56wrapped in a weird-shaped box.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59He says things that don't really make a lot of sense,
0:08:59 > 0:09:01but he says them in a really cool way.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Uncle Rags, mate.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10# Return of the Mack
0:09:10 > 0:09:13# Return of the Mack Come on... #
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- Hey!- Hey!- Oh, my God!
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Hello! How's it going?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- You know Rags is coming to Canada, right?- Huh?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- Who invited him?- I did.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- Why?- Rags is a legend. Everybody knows that.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Spending time with Ragu, you won't have time to spend
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- with the other rest of the family. - I will have time!
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I'm going to go see them, but I'm just saying...
0:09:42 > 0:09:44"OK, I'm here, bye!
0:09:44 > 0:09:47"Uncle Ragu I have invited, and I'm going to spend time with him."
0:09:47 > 0:09:48We're having a family reunion.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51I've invited another member of the family.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53And somehow I've done the wrong thing. HE MIMICS: What?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55What? You invited family to a family reunion? You prick!
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Rags has got a couple of days of cool shit planned.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- Do you know what he's got planned?- Well...
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I say cool shit, I use that term very loosely.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10He's sort of, like, banging on about outdoorsy stuff.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11All right, shall we do it?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- All right, so our plan is to take him to the wilderness, yeah?- Yeah.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16And then we'll see you at the reunion, yeah?
0:10:16 > 0:10:20- Yeah, we have a reunion, Ragu. - On Friday, is it?- On Friday.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22The whole family's coming. So, look after yourselves.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- OK, no, we will be fine. Thank you very much.- You're welcome.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27See you, Mum. Love you.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- Ragu, see you.- All right, take care. Good seeing you.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Look after yourself and look at you soon, OK?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- All right, let's roll.- Bye.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38You know what? We're not going to the wilderness.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- We're going to do something else. - Are you serious?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44I've got something planned for you. I never let you down, right?
0:10:44 > 0:10:45# He's jus' a rascal
0:10:45 > 0:10:46# He's jus' a rascal
0:10:46 > 0:10:48# He's jus' a rascal
0:10:48 > 0:10:50# Dizzee Rascal
0:10:50 > 0:10:51# He's jus' a rascal
0:10:51 > 0:10:52# He's jus' a rascal
0:10:52 > 0:10:54# He's jus' a rascal. #
0:10:54 > 0:10:59Remember that you wanted to break into the North American scene?
0:10:59 > 0:11:04- Yeah.- This is the Canadian on the net sort of TV station.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- Online TV?- Online, online, that's it. Yeah?
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- I managed to get them to interview you today.- Oh, OK.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13OK, so, you're going to be interviewed
0:11:13 > 0:11:17- by a couple of ladies...- About what? - ..who are going to be actually not
0:11:17 > 0:11:20wearing any clothes. That's the only difference, right?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I'm going to get interviewed by two women
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- who are not wearing any clothes? - Yeah, have you heard of...
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Yeah, I've heard of it, Porn Hub, yeah?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31They're just not wearing clothes, that's all the difference.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33It's a perv's... It's a perv's news thing.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36We had this in the UK years ago. Topless darts.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38You got me an interview with a perv network.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Rom, let me ask you this...
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Basically, what I'm going to be doing is,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I'm going to be ruining some pervert's hard on.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Are you embarrassed about taking your clothes off,
0:11:46 > 0:11:47- is that what it is?- Yes, yeah, yes.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48- Why?- What do you mean...
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- Hold on, what do you mean taking my clothes off?- Action.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55If you like people who make you laugh your ass off,
0:11:55 > 0:11:57then stick around because I'm schmoozing
0:11:57 > 0:12:00with BBC host and stand-up comic Romesh Ra...
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Sorry. Rang... Rang...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Ranganathan, but it doesn't matter.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Say it however you want, I don't care.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Stick around, because I'm schmoozing with BBC host
0:12:09 > 0:12:12and stand-up comic, Romesh Ra...
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Sorry! Your name's scaring me.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17That was really close. You got the first syllable,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20and then it was just after that it became difficult.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22- How was that? - Well, how do you think it was?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25It's insane. It's for perverts to watch the news.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28WEIRD VOICE: I want to find out what's going on with Isis,
0:12:28 > 0:12:29but I want to have an erection at the same time.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I'm schmoozing with BBC host and stand-up comic,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Romesh Ra-Rang...
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Why did you put two dashes?!
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Ran-ga-nathan, Ranganathan!
0:12:40 > 0:12:44- But Ranga's one word. - Well, Ranganathan's one word.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46But you struggled with that, didn't you?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49So we tried to break it up to make it easier.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52And, still, you're still fucking it up.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57The one thing I would say is I'm glad that I did go naked, in a way,
0:12:57 > 0:13:00because I think, if you're sitting there fully clothed as a dude
0:13:00 > 0:13:03and the woman's naked, that is truly exploitative.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Having said that, it was a horrible, horrible experience,
0:13:06 > 0:13:08and I never want to do it again.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Stick around, because I'm schmoozing with BBC host
0:13:11 > 0:13:15- and stand-up comic Romesh... - Ranganathan!
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Thank you.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- Thank you.- Thank you very much.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26- Can we just have a five second interview with you?- Pardon?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Can we just do a quick interview?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30We always do a little chat afterwards, don't we?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I don't want to do a little chat, mate.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- Where the hell have you been? - So, how did it go?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I'm so angry with you, I can't even begin to explain it.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Yeah, hopefully, mate,
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I'm just hoping you appreciated what happened tonight.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Being one with nature, all right? So that was the lesson.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Sitting on the sofa with the naked girl?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Yeah, that is being one with nature.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I do not want any surprises tomorrow. OK?
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Please.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Yeah, sure, mate. I won't stitch you up with anything.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Are we cool, bro?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- We're cool, yeah. - I love you, man, seriously.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Cheers, Rom.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Thanks for the drink, man.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- How did you find out about this place, by the way?- This place?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I've got friends, mate, everywhere.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Yeah, and they said to you good thing to do in Toronto,
0:14:25 > 0:14:28get a can of lager and sit on a street corner.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Do you do this in the UK?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Yeah, you do it if you're homeless.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35MUSIC: Welcome To The Jungle by Jay Z & Kanye West
0:14:35 > 0:14:37# Welcome to the jungle
0:14:37 > 0:14:39# Welcome to the jungle, well
0:14:39 > 0:14:41# Yeah
0:14:41 > 0:14:42# Welcome to the jungle
0:14:42 > 0:14:44# Welcome to the jungle, yeah... #
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Rags booked an extreme survival course where you stay overnight
0:14:48 > 0:14:52in the woods having been shown some skills by these two weirdos.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Good day. Good day to you. How are you, mate?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Basically, they dump you in the woods
0:14:57 > 0:14:59and you've got to fend for yourselves.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02All right, follow me, we've got to go and survive.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Have you ever done any survival training before?
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Yeah, it's one of my hobbies.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Yeah, I like to go every weekend and do some...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Oh, no. That's right, I've got a life.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13Jesus!
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- So, if the bugs really are tormenting you...- Yeah, they are.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21..you take these and you put 'em inside your shirt, like this,
0:15:21 > 0:15:23and you wear them like that.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25And they won't bother you at all.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Yeah, you look great, man.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29See, we're surrounded by food here.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34We're surrounded by things you can use to make shelter. Check this out.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Oh, hello!
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Here's one I made earlier, huh?
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Let me tell you something.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42People survived here for thousands of years.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Not in that, though, have they? - Way worse than that. This is luxury!
0:15:47 > 0:15:48All right, well...
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Where are you going?
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Are we going with you?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54No, you're going to build your shelter.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56And you need a fire.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01For me, it's a piece of piss. No worries at all, mate.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04You know, I've done this shit before, you know? All right.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05We need to build this piece of shit.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10All right, let me show you. You know, pick it up like this.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14You're building the shelter with other parts of the shelter!
0:16:14 > 0:16:16That's still the shelter!
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Can't you see there's a hole in there?
0:16:18 > 0:16:21You don't know what the fuck you're doing, do you?
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Rom, let me show you. The shelter is over here.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28So, what do you think this is, a naturally occurring mound?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Go and have a look in there, then come back and apologise.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Oh, shit! I know what you mean, man.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Oh, shit! Where's your campaign spirit?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46This is the shittest thing I've ever done.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48It's so crap!
0:16:49 > 0:16:50Jesus!
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Those guys are nice guys but I've got no interest in doing this.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Is the fire lit?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59I gain no satisfaction from it.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00I don't know why we've had this...
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Shit!
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Can we not just sack this off?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09It's not up to me, it's up to Rags.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Yah!
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Right we're going to get the crew some dinner. Will you be all right?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18I'll be all right. I'm having a fantastic time.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23(You're going to come back and I'll have killed Uncle Rags.)
0:17:23 > 0:17:27And be sleeping beside his carcass like Luke fucking Skywalker, mate.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39How are you guys getting on?
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Great.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- Have you guys got food? - We've got food for us, yeah.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Can't we have some of that?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Look, we've been bitten to shit.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51We're staying the night.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54I'm hanging out with Rags. We're having a good time, aren't we? Yeah.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Yeah, and we'd have had a better time if we'd have had some
0:17:57 > 0:17:58drinks and a bit of food.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01We're not going to ask for any more help.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Please, can we have some food and drink?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07And we're not going to ask again.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11And we might burn the forest down.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16MUSIC: Livin' It Up by Ja Rule
0:18:16 > 0:18:19# Yeah, yeah, yeah
0:18:19 > 0:18:21# We all my
0:18:21 > 0:18:24# Uh, yeah
0:18:24 > 0:18:27# C'mon, c'mon, uh
0:18:27 > 0:18:32- # To everybody that be livin' it up, we say...- What?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35# And all my ladies that be givin' it up, ah
0:18:35 > 0:18:36# What you do
0:18:36 > 0:18:39# To everybody that be livin' it up, we say...
0:18:39 > 0:18:40# What...
0:18:40 > 0:18:42# Do I do...? #
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Oh, fucking hell!
0:18:45 > 0:18:48WOLVES HOWL
0:18:50 > 0:18:52SLEEPING BAG UNZIPS
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Ugh!
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Oh!
0:19:00 > 0:19:02HE GASPS
0:19:06 > 0:19:08How was your sleep?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Shit, mate.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Hold on, you should be thanking me.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13I let you sleep in our tent.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16I am grateful, but it was still shit.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Rags, we need to get to this reunion thing.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25How long do you reckon it will take us to get back to the car?
0:19:25 > 0:19:29The next ten minutes, we should be there.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31At the most, 20 minutes.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Are we going the right way?
0:19:35 > 0:19:39I don't recognise any of this.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Do you?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43I remember seeing trees like this.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47You know, like, trees like that. I remember seeing them.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49We're in a fucking wood!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54We haven't got time for this shit.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Don't panic yet.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57There's plenty of daylight left.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Daylight?! We need to be at the bloody reunion at one o'clock.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02I don't give a shit about daylight.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07We are actually lost here, aren't we?
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Oh, my God!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I think we are in trouble, mate.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Look, if you've got an idea, please help me out, Rom.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15I don't know what to do.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- Do you know where we're going?- I know you're not going the right way.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22OK, can you tell us which is the right way, please?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25It feels cheating. It feels like we're cheating.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27I...I don't care, mate.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- We're going to miss the reunion and then what happens?- Right.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Fine, thank you. Which way?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35This way.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Right, Rags, come on.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Mum is going to kick both our arses, you know that.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52So, we've got out of the woods, I'm feeling euphoric,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55but then Rags had one last shitty surprise.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57It sort of...
0:20:57 > 0:21:00How do you explain what happened next and make it sound normal?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03What's going on? Oh, my God!
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Get down on the ground!
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Jesus!
0:21:05 > 0:21:06Merry Christmas!
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Oh, my God!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12What... What would you call that?
0:21:12 > 0:21:13I would call it a kidnap.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22I've got to say, in hindsight, Rags' behaviour was unusual.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Come on, boys. What have we done? I want to know.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29One of the things he said was, "We haven't broken any of your laws!"
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I mean, it's not that...what?!
0:21:31 > 0:21:34How do you think the police operate in this country, mate?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Argh!
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Jesus!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Argh!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Fucking hell.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Surprise!
0:21:48 > 0:21:49Ha-ha!
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Hello! How are you?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57What's happened?
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Are you joking?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01I thought you wanted to learn all the skills of surviving.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04What skill is this, how to shit yourself while tied up?
0:22:04 > 0:22:05..cking hell, mate.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08You can't be upset with this.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10What is wrong with you?
0:22:10 > 0:22:11All this is about an experience.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Like, what if it actually happens in real life?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16If it actually happened in real life, I'd still be tied up.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18What have I learned from this?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20It's fucking terrifying!
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Yeah, that's what you've learnt.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Hope you're not upset with me, man.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27No, no, it's great. Fun times(!)
0:22:27 > 0:22:29So, you didn't like your uncle's surprise, then?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Do you know what a surprise thing is?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Somebody pops out of a cake on your birthday.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37What a surprise isn't, is being bum-rushed and kidnapped,
0:22:37 > 0:22:41thrown into the back of a van and then tortured in a hut.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43That's not a surprise.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45What, did he think I was going to go, "For me?!"
0:22:45 > 0:22:47HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Is that what you thought my reaction was going to be?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58It feels like it's put a dampener on...
0:22:58 > 0:23:01I swear to God, if you say the word "dampener"...
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Oh, brilliant. We've basically missed the reunion.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10I can't exactly tell my mum I've been kidnapped, can I?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12I don't actually know what I'm going to do.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16KNOCK AT DOOR
0:23:16 > 0:23:17Who is it?
0:23:17 > 0:23:18It's Rom.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Hi, Mum. I'm so sorry.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24I don't want to talk to you.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Mum, we got... I prom... We got lost.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28I'm sorry. Were they pissed off?
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Of course they are.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34I'm really sorry, Mum.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37Anyway. OK.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38Goodnight.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40See you in the morning.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41- Goodnight.- Night.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Are there tips you've got to see in Canada?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Yeah, there are a lot of places.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11You can see, the summertime, the magic lights and, yeah...
0:24:11 > 0:24:14What's the magic lights?
0:24:14 > 0:24:15- Northern lights.- Northern lights.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Oh, northern lights!
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Yeah. It's a lifetime...
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Once-in-a-lifetime that you should see.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24I've never had experience, seeing it.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27I heard people talking about it.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Would you like to see that?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Er... It's...
0:24:34 > 0:24:35It's...
0:24:35 > 0:24:37MUSIC: Cold As Ice by M.O.P
0:24:37 > 0:24:38# You're as cold as ice
0:24:38 > 0:24:41# You're willing to sacrifice
0:24:41 > 0:24:43# You're as cold as ice... #
0:24:43 > 0:24:46MANIACAL LAUGHTER
0:24:47 > 0:24:50We are about to give my mum a treat, basically.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56She's banging on about seeing the northern lights,
0:24:56 > 0:24:58the magic in the sky.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01So, basically, I've bought a 14-hour trip to a glacier
0:25:01 > 0:25:02so we can try and see them.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Ta-da!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11This is what we're doing today. Happy?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13I'm still upset.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16OK. Well, good. Thanks, Mum.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18You're welcome. Any time.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20I do feel guilty for missing the reunion.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23I do feel really bad about that, so I'm hoping this is going to be
0:25:23 > 0:25:25a lovely sort of end, and she's going to go,
0:25:25 > 0:25:28"Oh, my God! I love you!"
0:25:30 > 0:25:31That's good, isn't it?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I'm not talking to you.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Shanthi, he's been really good, right?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40But he didn't turn up for that.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43He understands the mistake, so...
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Guys, come on.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45Oh, shut up!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48I mean, when I think about it,
0:25:48 > 0:25:49it has actually been a pretty good week.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52I enjoyed doing the dancing with Sean.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Actually, on reflection, I did enjoy my time with Rags.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58You know, it was pretty crazy, what we did,
0:25:58 > 0:26:02but it was pretty cool of him to organise that, and I did have fun,
0:26:02 > 0:26:04but this isn't the ending I was hoping for.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Mum isn't being any nicer to me as we go up.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Pretty incredible, isn't it?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Don't ask me anything, OK? Shut up!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15It is freezing cold. It's starting to rain.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17- So, we wait.- We wait.- Yes.
0:26:17 > 0:26:22And also, the guide has told me that...with the cloud cover,
0:26:22 > 0:26:25there is actually a 0% chance of seeing the northern lights tonight.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Er...Mum?
0:26:32 > 0:26:34- Mum?- Yeah?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- I've got two things to tell you. - Yeah?
0:26:37 > 0:26:42The first thing is...I have known for a while now...
0:26:44 > 0:26:47..that we have 0% chance of seeing the northern lights tonight.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49So, why did you bring me here, then?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- Well, thing number two...- Yeah.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53..I've got to tell you...
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Have you got chocolates?
0:26:57 > 0:26:58What's that?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00This is for you.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02You bought me a phone?!
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Yeah!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Oh! Thank you!
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Thank you, thank you, thank you.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Oh, thank you SO much!
0:27:09 > 0:27:11- And the best thing is...- Yeah?
0:27:11 > 0:27:14- Check this out.- Yeah.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15The northern lights.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Oh, my God!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25It's beautiful, Romesh.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27It's like someone dancing, isn't it?
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Oh, my God! Is it actually happening?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31No, I'm just... SHE LAUGHS
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Thank you so much. I forgive you, Son.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35- Happy?- I'm happy.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37- Let's just get the shit out of here now.- OK.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42I mean, I could have just bought you the phone in Crawley.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44- BOTH:- # Hate the van, hate the van.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47# Oh, we hate this shitty van! #
0:27:47 > 0:27:49We're sort of heading all over the Deep South
0:27:49 > 0:27:51and this is where we meet my younger brother, Dinesh.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54He's younger, better-looking, slimmer.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57- It does bother you. - It doesn't bother me.
0:27:57 > 0:27:58You don't believe in him.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01I DO believe in him. He does exist. He's not Santa!