0:00:18 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Tonight on Ask Rhod Gilbert, our special guests are...
0:00:27 > 0:00:30she's no Pussycat, it's Kimberly Wyatt...
0:00:31 > 0:00:33and comedy legend Phill Jupitus!
0:00:35 > 0:00:37They're here every week,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Greg Davies and Lloyd Langford!
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Ladies and gentlemen, it's Ask Rhod Gilbert!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Hello, welcome. My name is Rhod Gilbert,
0:00:46 > 0:00:48and tonight my job is to find the answers
0:00:48 > 0:00:51to the questions that keep us all awake at night.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Some questions can be insensitive,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54like, "Gran, is it really worth you
0:00:54 > 0:00:56"wasting all that money on a bag for life?"
0:00:56 > 0:00:58LAUGHTER
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Some questions go to the heart of who we are as human beings.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Questions like, when did we decide
0:01:04 > 0:01:06it was OK to make fish give us pedicures?
0:01:06 > 0:01:11What're we going to do next? Force crows to trim our nasal hair?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13"Back, sack and crack, sir? Certainly.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16"I'll just dip this Jack Russell in hot wax and we're ready to go."
0:01:19 > 0:01:22People make all sorts of excuses.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26"Don't worry. It's what fish do in the wild." What, foot treatments?
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Are you telling me Jaws wasn't a hunting machine,
0:01:29 > 0:01:30but a clumsy beautician?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33"I'm not coming here again, love. I asked him to do my bunions,
0:01:33 > 0:01:35"he ate my leg and my surfboard!"
0:01:35 > 0:01:38So what if they do it in the wild?
0:01:38 > 0:01:39My dog sniffs other dogs' bottoms,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42doesn't mean he should check if my pants will go another day.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER
0:01:46 > 0:01:47We should stop using fish like this.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48We already eat them,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51give them to anyone who can throw a ball into a jar
0:01:51 > 0:01:54and nail to them the wall and make them sing Don't Worry, Be Happy.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Do they have to work full time in beauty salons?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Most women who work there are orange with a short memory.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Hardly the point.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03On with the show.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05APPLAUSE
0:02:07 > 0:02:10In a world of ambiguity, we need someone with credibility
0:02:10 > 0:02:12to help us find the answers to our questions.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16We begin by asking, who is tonight's authenticator?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19He'll need the courage he showed on '80s TV sensation Knight Rider.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21LAUGHTER
0:02:22 > 0:02:24He'll need the same vim and vigour
0:02:24 > 0:02:26he had when he was a star of Baywatch.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:34 > 0:02:38He'll need all the diplomacy and tact he used
0:02:38 > 0:02:39as a judge on Britain's Got Talent.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46That's right. Tonight's authenticator,
0:02:46 > 0:02:49actor, TV megastar and camp comandantof German disco pop,
0:02:49 > 0:02:50it's David Hasselhoff.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Thank you!
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Woo!
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Wow!
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Thank you.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Why is there a bird over here?
0:03:15 > 0:03:16LAUGHTER
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Just your magnetism, I think.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23How are you going to help us tonight?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Tonight, I am the authenticator.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I will be providing you and the panel
0:03:27 > 0:03:32with all the information you need to answer tonight's questions.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Wonderful. And when I think we have an answer, I will do this.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38ANGELIC CODA
0:03:38 > 0:03:40What have you learned this week, Phill?
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- I learned how to eat oysters properly.- Wow.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44I did what the sea otters did.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48I used to put them on my stomach and get a brick and go, "Bang, bang!"
0:03:48 > 0:03:50That got me thrown out of
0:03:50 > 0:03:53some of the finest seafood restaurants in the country.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Kimberly, have you learned anything?
0:03:55 > 0:03:59I learned something so magnificent, it blew my mind.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00Wow.
0:04:00 > 0:04:06A whale was once a land-dwelling creature with four legs.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08And it evolved into a whale.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I don't know how to break this to you.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15I don't think a whale was walking along and its legs fell off.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19No, it happened over millions of years.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22I think there was a time when whales were on bricks.
0:04:25 > 0:04:31Let's crack on. Let's find out who wants to know what. Who have we got?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34I like Martin Freeman. Look at that.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Have you met Hugh... Hugh, Hoff, have you, Hef?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Yeah! Yes, I have.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44He was helped bring a few girls to Baywatch, like Pamela Anderson.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45- Did he?- Yes.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48You rang him up and said, "Hey, Hef, it's the Hoff"?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51"Hey, Hef, it's the Hoff!"
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Let's find out what Hef wants to know.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Hefner says...
0:04:57 > 0:04:58I don't know, but I think
0:04:58 > 0:05:01you've misunderstood theword "earmuffs".
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Who else have we got?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09It's David Beckham. He's a friend of the show. Friend of the last series.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Let's see what's next.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Ah, it's time for round one, which is The World Asks.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32Let's see who wants to know what.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36- Ah, it's the Moulin Rouge. - Ooh, la, la!
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Bonjour from Paris, Rhod.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45At the Moulin Rouge, we're curious to know what's more intelligent,
0:05:45 > 0:05:47a baby or a dog?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Lloyd, which is more intelligent?
0:05:54 > 0:05:58I think a dog is easily more intelligent than a baby.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- Do you?- Yeah.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Dogs have gone into space, and babies...
0:06:03 > 0:06:04LAUGHTER
0:06:11 > 0:06:15By that rationale, bottles of water are more intelligent than babies.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20- Kimberly, what do you think, a dog or a baby?- I think a dog.- Do you?
0:06:20 > 0:06:21You can teach a dog to sit,
0:06:21 > 0:06:25but you can't teach a baby to sit until they're a bit older.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27One thing I'll say in favour of babies is...
0:06:27 > 0:06:30You've only got one thing in favour of babies?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Maybe you're not ready for kids!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- They can breathe underwater, can't they?- Yeah.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37No!
0:06:37 > 0:06:38- They can!- They can't!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- They can. - They can't breathe underwater!
0:06:42 > 0:06:45They can! Of course they can. Lots of babies are born underwater.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49- No...- They can't breathe underwater!
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- Kimberly, they can breathe underwater!- They can't!
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Haven't you seen birthing pools? A baby's come out...
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Have you seen the cover of that Nirvana album?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Babies have a reflex that they hold their breath
0:07:04 > 0:07:07when you throw them in water. They haven't got gills!
0:07:07 > 0:07:11You blow in their face and dunk them and they hold their breath.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14They could only breathe underwater for five or ten minutes.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Any longer than that...
0:07:16 > 0:07:21And they lose that ability. You know babies have got no knees?
0:07:21 > 0:07:25I'm sorry, they don't come out with totally straight legs.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27They have knees. There's a joint.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29They don't have kneecaps.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32You're saying babies are like meat Slinkys.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Back me up. Babies have no kneecaps.
0:07:35 > 0:07:40Do babies have kneecaps? Although it doesn't show on X-rays,
0:07:40 > 0:07:43your baby does in fact have kneecaps.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Booyah!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Don't "Booyah" me!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Don't you... I will not be "Booyah"-ed!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56They can breathe underwater for a while.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- Right. They can.- I'm sorry.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Let me make it clear. A baby cannot breathe underwater
0:08:03 > 0:08:05for whatever the smallest part of a second is.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Please, people at home, do not experiment with your baby,
0:08:09 > 0:08:13using them to lift cars and then plunging them into swimming pools
0:08:13 > 0:08:14for half an hour.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18If put underwater, babies will open their eyes and hold their breath
0:08:18 > 0:08:22in an in-built response known as a mammalian dive reflex.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26Except for babies in Wales, which have gills.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29That is so racist.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- Hoff.- Yes?- Got another fact for us?
0:08:33 > 0:08:38How about this? A dog called The Hoff saved his sleeping owner
0:08:38 > 0:08:39from a house ablaze.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41The Staffordshire bull terrier,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44named after Baywatch star David Hasselhoff -
0:08:44 > 0:08:47that's me - woke his owner up
0:08:47 > 0:08:52and led him safety from his smoke-filled ground-floor flat.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56- You've got dogs, haven't you? - I have seven dogs.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57- Eh?- I rescue dogs a lot.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01In a Baywatch kind of way? You run into the sea...?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03I support a rescue foundation for dogs
0:09:03 > 0:09:05and I end up taking most of them home.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- We've got a picture of you with some of your dogs.- You do?- Yeah.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09LAUGHTER
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I'm very close with those dogs!
0:09:13 > 0:09:17What exactly were you doing when you rescued those dogs?!
0:09:18 > 0:09:22As you can see, I did need two dogs for that shot!
0:09:22 > 0:09:23LAUGHTER
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Is that a giant schnauzer?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30We'd have to move the dog out the way.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32LAUGHTER
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I think it's an American man-stiff.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37APPLAUSE
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Who thinks a baby is more intelligent? Hands up.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50- You reckon you're more intelligent than a dog?- Of course.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Would you reckon you could beat a dog
0:09:52 > 0:09:55in Blockbusters or Countdown or a daytime quiz?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58The only thing I couldn't beat a dog at is herding sheep.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Do you want to take on a dog today?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05I know before we've even done this there's going to be a set-up,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07but yes, I think I'm brighter than a dog,
0:10:07 > 0:10:08and could take them on at any game.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Let's get Jess in, our dog.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:15 > 0:10:19That's Jess, your challenger, handled by David.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Look at that. Anyone see that?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23No way you'd respond as quickly!
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Are you confident you can beat Greg?
0:10:27 > 0:10:28Jess, can you beat him?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31JESS BARKS
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- Twice for yes?- That was confidence!
0:10:34 > 0:10:37He even limbered up. You'd better look out!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Hey, Jess!
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Jess is eager to get going.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Out you go to Dog-tionary Corner. You can take on Jess.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56APPLAUSE
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Just to check, Rhod,
0:11:00 > 0:11:03this is entirely random, this collection of letters?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Entirely. We plucked them out of a bag of letters.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09- This is in no way set up for me to fail?- No.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11OK. I believe you(!)
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- Are you ready, Greg?- Yes. - Are you ready, Jess?
0:11:14 > 0:11:15JESS BARKS
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Start the clock.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18COUNTDOWN THEME PLAYS
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Well, this is ridiculous!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26I'd speed up if I was you!
0:11:27 > 0:11:32You know full well there's only one word I can make! No...
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- There's no other... - Of course there is, come on!
0:11:34 > 0:11:40- That's not an N, that's a Z! - You can always make things with...
0:11:40 > 0:11:41APPLAUSE
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Could you stop there? Greg, could you read out your word, please?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Surprisingly, I was only able to make the word "dog"
0:11:53 > 0:11:55out of all my letters.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57You could have had "god", it was there.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59LAUGHTER
0:11:59 > 0:12:02This might be trickier. What is it, Jess?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Oh, a visual clue - "fatso"!
0:12:06 > 0:12:10So, I'm announcing that Jess has won, with five letters.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13"Fatso", is it there over in Dog-tionary Corner?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Well, Rhod, I'm glad you've asked me.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17The word "fatso" is in the dictionary.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20In fact, it's just a photo of Greg.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:23 > 0:12:27"Fatso"! So, Jess is the winner, and Greg has been beaten by a dog.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29APPLAUSE
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Jess, ladies and gentlemen!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35So, David, have we an answer?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Which is more intelligent, a baby or a dog?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41We actually have someone on the phone who can help us.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45His name is Dr Stanley Coren from the Department of Psychology
0:12:45 > 0:12:47at the University of British Columbia.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- Hello, Dr Stanley Coren. - 'Hi, I'm here.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- Hi.- 'Greetings from Vancouver.'
0:12:51 > 0:12:52Are you well?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55'Am I well? I'm fat and sassy.'
0:12:55 > 0:12:57LAUGHTER
0:12:57 > 0:12:59You're fat and sassy?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Have we got a wrong number?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Dr Coren, what can you tell us
0:13:05 > 0:13:08about which is more intelligent, a baby or...?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11The panel was split between people who think it's clearly a baby
0:13:11 > 0:13:14and others who think it's clearly a dog.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16'Well, it depends on the age of the baby.'
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Let's say it was a six-month-old baby versus an adult dog.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23'Then the dog is smarter.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26'The data says a dog is
0:13:26 > 0:13:31'roughly equivalent to a human two-year-old.'
0:13:31 > 0:13:35- It's equivalent to a two-year-old?- 'Yes.'
0:13:35 > 0:13:39My two-year-old niece can say, "Hello, Uncle Greg."
0:13:39 > 0:13:43And my dog Rex, just before he died, when he was 14,
0:13:43 > 0:13:46still had only managed, "Woof!"
0:13:47 > 0:13:51'Well, it's just he speaks a different language. That's all!'
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Could you just sum it up for us, officially?
0:13:58 > 0:14:02A dog versus a baby, a dog is the equivalent to a two-year-old baby?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05'He's more intelligent than a one year-old
0:14:05 > 0:14:08'and not as intelligent as a four-year-old. This is mathematics.'
0:14:08 > 0:14:12Thank you very much, Dr Coren, for joining us. That was fascinating.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13APPLAUSE
0:14:18 > 0:14:21So, girls of the Moulin Rouge, the answer is a dog.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Unlike a baby, they can catch a Frisbee,
0:14:23 > 0:14:25suckle at their mother's teat without help
0:14:25 > 0:14:27and go outside to go to the toilet.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Mind you, Greg can do some of those things as well. Watch this.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I'm going to award that round to...
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Lloyd, I think, was most helpful. Well done, Lloyd.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51APPLAUSE
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Let's find out who else has a question for us.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04Katy Perry. Lloyd nearly married Katy Perry. How did that not happen?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Tell us the story.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09That horrible massive black wart she has on her chin.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10LAUGHTER
0:15:13 > 0:15:15APPLAUSE
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Let's hear what Jamie Oliver wants to find out.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Jamie, the answer is, not really. I find cooking a bit like sex.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27It's safer to stick to the stuff I know I can do.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29The last time I tried something new in the bedroom,
0:15:29 > 0:15:32I invalidated the warranty on my George Foreman grill...
0:15:35 > 0:15:38..and my girlfriend ended up calling the pizza-delivery guy
0:15:38 > 0:15:39to get what she really wanted.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Lady Gaga... Kim...!
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Friend of the show, Kim Jong-Il!
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- Kim Jong's happy!- Kim Jong is happy.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Probably.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Oh, it's A Famous Face Asks.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Let's see who we've got.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06And it is Tinie Tempah!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08How you doing, Rhod?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11As a rapper, I use a lot of words in my job,
0:16:11 > 0:16:14so my question for you is, how many words do we need?
0:16:14 > 0:16:18How many words do you need? David, can you see what you can find out?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- OK. Let's see. - How many words do we need?
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Kimberly, how many words do you use, in total?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28To the nearest five.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34My guesstimate would be maybe 800.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39800? How many words do you reckon we use, Phill?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42You need food, you need to not be beaten up,
0:16:42 > 0:16:43so you need "please", "no",
0:16:43 > 0:16:48"stop doing that", "lager", "food".
0:16:48 > 0:16:50How many is that? Five.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Five.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54We don't need as many as you think, is what I'm saying.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56What word do you find most annoying?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59If you get rid of one word, what word would you get rid of?
0:16:59 > 0:17:01"Fanny".
0:17:01 > 0:17:03LAUGHTER
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- And this is why...- I don't think anyone was expecting that!
0:17:06 > 0:17:08LAUGHTER
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Get somebody to the Hoff! He needs resuscitating.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18It doesn't mean the same thing in the States as it means over here.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Somebody revive the Hoff! Get the jump leads!
0:17:21 > 0:17:24I was in the high street shopping, and I was going to
0:17:24 > 0:17:27all of these different stores asking for a fanny pack.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30And everybody kept laughing at me, every single store.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Somebody finally told me what fanny means over here,
0:17:33 > 0:17:36and it's nothing I was ever taught in the States.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Hoff, have you got any information for us about how many words
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- we might need and how many we use or anything.- How about this?
0:17:41 > 0:17:4745,437 new words and meanings were added to the latest revision
0:17:47 > 0:17:52of the Oxford English Dictionary, including the heart symbol.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54According to the global language monitor,
0:17:54 > 0:17:57a new word is created every 98 minutes.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01Making it 14.7 words per day.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05It's kind of sad about that "last word", it never gets finished.
0:18:05 > 0:18:0814.7 words a day.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11There is one word that's never a "wor...".
0:18:12 > 0:18:15It's sad.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17The heart symbol isn't a word.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- You can't say a heart symbol. - You just did, I think.
0:18:21 > 0:18:26- You just said it.- But I wouldn't say I "a heart symbol" you, Hoff.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28And I most certainly do!
0:18:29 > 0:18:33It would be like because when Prince changed his name
0:18:33 > 0:18:36to that squiggle, he was The Artist Formerly Known As Prince,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39so it would be I "The Word Formerly Known As Love" You.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Yeah, but we as the public when he changed his name to a symbol
0:18:44 > 0:18:47just created a world in its place, didn't we? "Twat".
0:18:49 > 0:18:52What do you reckon, Lloyd? Are we using too many words?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55I don't think we're using too many words.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58New words come out every week, don't they?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Not in Wales. That's an English thing.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06English, once a new thing is developed,
0:19:06 > 0:19:08you come up with a new word for it.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11In Welsh, we just employ old words again. Just recycle them.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Here's an example,
0:19:13 > 0:19:14"Microwave".
0:19:14 > 0:19:16When the microwave came along in English,
0:19:16 > 0:19:18you invented pretty much a new word, "microwave".
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Whereas in Welsh, we called it, "popty ping".
0:19:23 > 0:19:26It's true. "Popty" means oven.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Microwave in Welsh is "popty ping", ping oven.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32But with Welsh, it's more about intonation.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36They are so many meanings. OK? (CHEERILY) Allo!
0:19:36 > 0:19:39(THREATENINGLY) Allo-o-o-o-o.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43- Yeah, you're right.- (SADLY) Allo. - You can do that in any language, Phil.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47You can do that in French. Le pamplemousse.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49(ANGRILY) Le pamplemooooousse!
0:19:49 > 0:19:52What could be angry about grapefruit?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55I think we should start culling words.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58If they haven't been used for three months, get rid of them.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- I think so too.- Yeah.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I think there's a difference between need and want as well.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I think we could get away with possibly three.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09"Hi", "yes" and "no". "Hi" for politeness,
0:20:09 > 0:20:14- "yes" and "no" for life. - Quite limited conversations you'd have then.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17It's true, but need is a huge different word than want.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Yeah, but Kimberley, if you go to Wales and hear those three words, (MENACINGLY) Hiiiiii!
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- SHE SQUEALS - Yeeeees! No-o-o-o-o!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27For example, fruit.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30You don't need all different words for a mandarin, a clementine and a satsuma.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Nobody knows the difference. There is no difference. It's true. Nobody knows the difference.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39Do you know, Kimberley, what's the difference between a satsuma a clemetine and a tangerine?
0:20:40 > 0:20:41They taste different.
0:20:41 > 0:20:47- Do they?- Yes. - In that case, those three are fine.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50What about a patty and a burger? Don't say they taste different.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53They don't. It's two words for the same thing.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Yeah, but what about women called Patti?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I just want to briefly mention "LOL",
0:21:00 > 0:21:02because as everybody knows what LOL means in the world,
0:21:02 > 0:21:07apart from my mum who thinks that LOL means "lots of love".
0:21:07 > 0:21:08I did!
0:21:08 > 0:21:12So she'll text me to say "Your dad's not feeling very well today, LOL".
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Hoff, have you got any more?
0:21:16 > 0:21:21There are many words that have become obsolete!
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Hoff, are you struggling to balance in that seat?
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- We can get you a pole. - I've got this. I'm balanced.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31There are many words that have been become obsolete.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Some of them are quite unusual.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Do you want to guess what these ones mean?
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Go on then, Hoff, give us a word. There we go. Dollymop.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43I think that's what happened to that cloned sheep after it died.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52You won't know about the cloned sheep.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Isn't it someone who follows Dolly Parton around
0:21:55 > 0:21:58in case she has one of her little accidents.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Kimberley, any ideas what a dollymop might have meant
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- before it became obsolete. - A mop on wheels?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Bizarrely, yours is the oddest suggestion.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Does this thing a exist? A mop on wheels?
0:22:10 > 0:22:14A dolly exists and a mop exists. I'm thinking how they fit together.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16What's a dolly in America, not a kids' doll?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Well, it can be, but a dolly is also a metal thing
0:22:19 > 0:22:21that you use for stuff that's really hard to lift.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24You put really heavy boxes on.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Did you used to work in a warehouse before Pussycat Dolls?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Yes, absolutely. With my family.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- Did you?- Yeah!- Oh, right!
0:22:35 > 0:22:38- Hoff, what have we got for dollymop? - The answer is...
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- A part-time prostitute!- It's not!
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Wouldn't it be terrible if the clock went off
0:22:46 > 0:22:49and you were like, "Right, that's me".
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Next.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Soap dodger!
0:22:53 > 0:22:57- Does that phrase exist in America? - I have never heard of that phrase.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01It's obsolete, that's why. Any guesses?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04My guess would be something that happens in prison.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10The answer is...
0:23:10 > 0:23:14One who faked leprosy by putting thick soap on his skin.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Why would you fake leprosy?
0:23:16 > 0:23:21I don't know, but they can never win at poker, because they always throw in their hand.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Hoff, are we any closer to finding an answer?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34I've found the answer for you.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38According to Jim Dollar, from the Basic English institute,
0:23:38 > 0:23:43we need just 500 words or sound combinations
0:23:43 > 0:23:48to have a language between a closed group of people.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51But to get along in a normal, everyday living,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54with the general public, you need 850.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58- Pretty close. - I'm going to take that as an answer.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06I'm going to award that to Kimberley, cos you were damn close.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- What did you say?- 800.- It was 850?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Just pulled it from the sky.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Remarkable. So, Tinie Tempah, you asked, how many words we need?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24The answer is, about 850.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Next up, it's my quick-fire round, The Audience Asks.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33I'm going to get through many questions from the audience
0:24:33 > 0:24:35before we hear this noise.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39# I'll be ready I'll be there. #
0:24:39 > 0:24:45For our quick-fire round, there's no answer button, we're just going to use this little bell.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47So, who have we got first?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Anthony McNeill. Where are you? Quick.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52It's my quick-fire round. Quick! Get on with it.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55My question is, can fish get depressed?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Supposed to be a quick-fire round.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00How can we answer that quickly? Can fish get depressed, Hoff?
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Yes, because they're always wet.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08There's your answer. Yes, they can.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Jane, where are you?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Is it true that humans have an in-built homing mechanism
0:25:13 > 0:25:15so you always know where your home is?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18No, it's called an address.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Hello!
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Del, where are you?
0:25:26 > 0:25:31Do you get annoyed at folk at cash machines, who have three or four cards
0:25:31 > 0:25:32and not a clue how to use them?
0:25:32 > 0:25:37Do we get annoyed at cash points when people have three or four cards and don't know how to use them?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39I did once see a guy with a queen of spades.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Do you still go to ATM's, Hoff?
0:25:43 > 0:25:48- I'm the person up there with three or four cards.- Are you?
0:25:48 > 0:25:52- I still can't figure that out. - Hoff's in the machine. How much money would you like?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57It'll have to be an even figure.
0:25:57 > 0:26:0040 or 60? Not 50.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I only have 20.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07Do we get annoyed at people at cash points? Yes, we do. Who's next?
0:26:07 > 0:26:11- Alistair, where are you?- Quick! - Right, yes, what do you want?
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Who invented the cocktail umbrella and why did they do it?
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Supposed to be a quick-fire round! Who invented the cocktail umbrella?
0:26:18 > 0:26:23- Is it so the ice doesn't melt as fast?- Yeah, it shades the sun, shades the sun.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26That's it. It's so obvious.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28People from sunny countries know these things.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31You wouldn't know. Scottish, no wonder you didn't know.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35- Gordon?- Why are carrots orange?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- I know the answer to this.- Go on.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41In the 16th century, the Dutch...
0:26:43 > 0:26:45..who are obsessed with orange.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49I think the political or the monarchy is the House of Orange.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52They specifically and aggressively bred orange carrots.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56- How do you aggressively breed a carrot?- Like this.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Get in.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12- I'm not sure that would produce a carrot. - # I'll be there.#
0:27:12 > 0:27:14- That's the end.- Thank God!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20We're out of time.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23That noise, that delightful sounding medley, we're out of time.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26I'm going to award that round to Phil.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Let's see what we've got next.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Oh, it is Our Special Guest Asks.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39- Kimberley, do you have a question for us tonight?- I do.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43You know, as a dancer, I do have to watch everything that I eat, what I eat.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47But I want to know what food is most likely to kill me?
0:27:47 > 0:27:50A live tiger.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52- Buzz, not a food. - It is a food, you can eat anything.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55- You can't eat a live tiger. - You can try and eat a live tiger.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58He'll get you first. Self-defence, but he'll get you.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01I'll get his tail off, I'll tell you that.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03You wouldn't eat a Tiger's tail before he got you.
0:28:03 > 0:28:08- I think I'd be able to eat a Tiger's tail before it got me. - Let's bring in our second guest.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Back to the question.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Hoff, have you any facts that might lead us in any direction?
0:28:20 > 0:28:22I have a fact.
0:28:22 > 0:28:26One in 20 motorists have crashed or had a near miss
0:28:26 > 0:28:29fiddling with food at the wheel.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33A packet of crisps is the most dangerous food to eat while driving.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37I believe one in 20 motorists have had a crash fiddling with food.
0:28:37 > 0:28:42- I don't believe crisps are most dangerous. What about a hog roast?- I didn't write this!
0:28:42 > 0:28:45A fillet of bream and eat it.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48We've got a clip of some weird food, Hoff.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51- Of weird food?- Want to see it?- I'd love to see it.- Let's roll it.
0:29:04 > 0:29:05What is that?
0:29:05 > 0:29:08That's the Hoffsicle.
0:29:08 > 0:29:12It may take a licking, but it keeps on ticking.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17Very strange with people sucking on your head.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23Especially when it's got chocolate on it.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26- Especially when that person is you. - It's raspberry.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28That was a raspberry Hoffsicle?
0:29:28 > 0:29:32- Yes.- And that exists? It existed?
0:29:32 > 0:29:34Yes, it existed until it melted.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38- That's incredible.- Not any more.
0:29:40 > 0:29:41Limited run.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Why, David!
0:29:47 > 0:29:49Just before we wrap it up with the final answer,
0:29:49 > 0:29:52I heard from somebody, I was doing a radio show in Wales,
0:29:52 > 0:29:56somebody found a cow's eyelid in a pasty.
0:29:57 > 0:30:01- That's disgusting.- Have you ever found anything disgusting in food?
0:30:01 > 0:30:03- I don't think so.- I have.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06A big lump of plastic in the middle of a Kinder Egg.
0:30:15 > 0:30:19I'm going to give you a point for that Lloyd, well done.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23Greg, can you think of any way how we might determine
0:30:23 > 0:30:25what food is most likely to kill you?
0:30:25 > 0:30:29- Yes, I think I can, Rhod.- You've been giving this some thought?
0:30:29 > 0:30:33I've given it some thought and if we're going to find out what's the most dangerous food,
0:30:33 > 0:30:38we should probably do it scientifically. Why don't we go to the lab.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44Welcome to the laboratory.
0:30:44 > 0:30:48There's only one way, Rhod, to find out what the most dangerous foods in the world are,
0:30:48 > 0:30:52and it's to fire food at Lloyd Langford.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54The first thing that we should test,
0:30:54 > 0:30:57because it's near the top of the alphabet, is the baguette.
0:30:57 > 0:31:01Please welcome, Phil, with his baguette bazooka.
0:31:05 > 0:31:11- I'm going to go for his face. - Experiment number one.- Fire!
0:31:20 > 0:31:22How was that?
0:31:22 > 0:31:25It's going to be a really interesting conversation
0:31:25 > 0:31:28with my girlfriend, when I tell her why I'm infertile.
0:31:28 > 0:31:32Let's see what damage gravy can do, ladies and gentlemen.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35In the form of Rhod and Kim's gravy grenades.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37What you do Kim...
0:31:37 > 0:31:39Try and hit him in the face.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41- Shall I go first? - Please, Rhod.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45Lovely.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51That's a good one.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53We're going to up the stakes here in the laboratory.
0:31:53 > 0:31:58What better way to do that, than to bring on the trifle trebuchet.
0:31:58 > 0:32:02- Loading, full trifle please. - Full trifle.
0:32:02 > 0:32:06- Got the sprinkles?- Got the sprinkles.- Kimberly, sprinkles.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09The sprinkles which will surely irritate Lloyd's eye.
0:32:09 > 0:32:13- The trifle trebuchet is loaded. - It's loaded, I'm ready.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16- Let Lloyd have trifle. - Yes, please!
0:32:26 > 0:32:28What can possibly be more painful than that?
0:32:28 > 0:32:34How about the deadly combination of ice-cream and flakes,
0:32:34 > 0:32:37fired at speed from a powerful weapon.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41Who could have such a weapon? I'll tell you this.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44With the AK-99, it's The Hoff.
0:33:01 > 0:33:05- Are you nervous? - Everybody has a moment.
0:33:05 > 0:33:09- This is yours. - There's the ice cream.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13There's the flake!
0:33:24 > 0:33:27That's it! The real answer is, it's not food that kills you,
0:33:27 > 0:33:31it's the poison in the food. That's pretty much it for tonight.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34People of Britain, if you've got a question, you can tweet.
0:33:36 > 0:33:40For tonight, it's thanks to Kimberly Wyatt...
0:33:40 > 0:33:42Phil Jupitus...
0:33:42 > 0:33:46of course the authenticator, David Hasselhoff.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50I'm Rhod Gilbert and you can ask me literally anything.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52Goodnight.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:34:12 > 0:34:15Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk