0:00:17 > 0:00:21CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:22 > 0:00:26Tonight on Ask Rhod Gilbert, our special guests are...
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Don't hang the DJ - it's...
0:00:31 > 0:00:36And with the best hair in comedy...
0:00:36 > 0:00:38They're here every week - it's...
0:00:46 > 0:00:51Ladies and gentlemen, Ask Rhod Gilbert!
0:00:51 > 0:00:54CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Hello, hello, hello. Welcome.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01I'm Rhod Gilbert and tonight my job is to find the answers
0:01:01 > 0:01:03to the questions that keep us all awake at night.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Question like, "Why do people give their toilet a nautical theme?"
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Anchors on the shower curtains,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12shells on the cistern, blue everything.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Why would fish want to be immortalised in your transparent toilet seat?
0:01:16 > 0:01:18How would you like to spend the rest of eternity
0:01:18 > 0:01:20staring up someone else's bottom?
0:01:20 > 0:01:25I know there's water in the bathroom and water in the sea but it's a pretty tenuous link -
0:01:25 > 0:01:28there's a bed in the bedroom, you haven't given it a hotel theme.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Why not get a trouser press and kettle, paint everything purple
0:01:31 > 0:01:35and hire Lenny Henry to bounce up and down, wearing matching pyjamas?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37If you're trying to turn your toilet into a beach,
0:01:37 > 0:01:40why not go mad and get a lifeguard, some rusty cans on the floor
0:01:40 > 0:01:44and a family from Birmingham arguing behind a windbreak in the corner?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Stop before there's more shells in our loos than on our beaches,
0:01:47 > 0:01:51or one day, trust me, you'll hold a shell up to your ear and think,
0:01:51 > 0:01:56"I can't hear the sea, but someone'll need some air freshener in a two-bed semi in Leicester."
0:01:56 > 0:01:59CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:02:00 > 0:02:03In a world of uncertainty, we need someone with credibility
0:02:03 > 0:02:05to help us find answers to our questions.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07So, as always, we've begin by asking,
0:02:07 > 0:02:10"Who is tonight's authenticator?"
0:02:10 > 0:02:11As a lad, he was an amateur boxer.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16He became a politician and fought railway privatisation.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23He took a tough stance in negotiations to combat climate change.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Tonight, he'll need all the wit and character
0:02:28 > 0:02:30he shows as a peer in the House of Lords.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33THEY ALL ARGUE
0:02:33 > 0:02:36ORDER! ORDER!
0:02:36 > 0:02:39All rise for tonight's authenticator - John Prescott!
0:02:39 > 0:02:42CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:02:42 > 0:02:45MUSIC: "Things Can Only Get Better" By D:Ream
0:02:51 > 0:02:53John, thanks for coming on the show.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I'll tell you later whether I've enjoyed it.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59You once said, "I've always felt very proud of Wales and being Welsh.
0:02:59 > 0:03:04"I was born in Wales, went to school in Wales, my mother was Welsh, I'm Welsh.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06It's my place of birth, my country, I'm Welsh."
0:03:06 > 0:03:08What was going on there?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10LAUGHTER
0:03:10 > 0:03:12It was a programme done by BBC for Wales
0:03:12 > 0:03:15about Who Do You Think You Are?, I think it was called.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18It seemed to me you had a pretty clear idea!
0:03:18 > 0:03:23They were surprised to find I was Welsh and I said a Scottish colleague of mine, from Stirling,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26who took me over the bridge, he said, "This is where the English got beat."
0:03:26 > 0:03:28I said, "I don't care, I'm Welsh."
0:03:28 > 0:03:30LAUGHTER
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Well, how are you going to help us tonight?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Well, my job is providing you on the panel with information
0:03:36 > 0:03:38you need to answer tonight's questions.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Just like I used to do for Tony Blair.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42LAUGHTER
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Thank you, John, that is wonderful.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46And when I think we finally have an answer, I will do this.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48ANGELIC CHOIR
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- Hello, panel.- Evenin'.- Hello.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56I'll just say, on air, how much I am enjoying your jacket tonight.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Think it's very nice...
0:03:57 > 0:03:59if you were in Showaddywaddy.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02LAUGHTER
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Can we have the Thunderball result now?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07LAUGHTER
0:04:07 > 0:04:09What have you learnt this week, Edith?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12That Matthew Broderick was, in fact,
0:04:12 > 0:04:17the voice of the older Simba in the Lion King.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19- AUDIENCE:- Ooh! - See?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- Why are you going "Ooh" to that? - LAUGHTER
0:04:21 > 0:04:25- I was surprised - I had no idea. - Why were you surprised? - I didn't lose sleep over it.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- Did you think it was a real lion? - Yep.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29LAUGHTER
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- You know it's a cartoon. - I know it's a cartoon.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I'm just surprised Edith didn't realise someone else did the voice!
0:04:35 > 0:04:39To be surprised by something, you don't have to have thought something else.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43- You can be surprised by something in isolation. - Like your jacket.- Yeah.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46LAUGHTER
0:04:46 > 0:04:48APPLAUSE
0:04:48 > 0:04:49No, I think it's nice.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53We'll get some brothel creepers and we'll go to Brighton, shall we?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Fair enough. I like your attempt to look slim.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:05:00 > 0:05:02I think I have lost a bit of weight.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Didn't expect that, did you?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14No, I didn't expect it to be human flesh under there.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Russell, what have you learnt?
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Right, I went on Twitter, and my Twitter was jammed with a lookalike.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Apparently, there'd been a Celebrity Come Dine With Me on
0:05:22 > 0:05:26and I'm an absolute ringer for Fatima Whitbread.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28What more crushing lookalike can you get than,
0:05:28 > 0:05:32"You look like a javelin thrower from the '80s"? Who's female!
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Have we got a picture of Fatima Whitbread?
0:05:35 > 0:05:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:39 > 0:05:42It's the smile, it's the smile.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48So...
0:05:48 > 0:05:53let's find out who wants to know what tonight. Who have we got?
0:05:53 > 0:05:54BLEEP
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Barbara Windsor. You a fan of Barbara Windsor, anyone?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Um, she's all right.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- LAUGHTER - Fair enough.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Won't bother with her question... You a fan of Gaddafi?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Now you're talking!
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Let's see what Gaddafi wants to know.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Well, Colonel, I have. I didn't realise it was you -
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I thought they'd left Lionel Richie's waxwork next to a radiator.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Ashley Cole. Let's have a question from Ashley.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26LAUGHTER
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I've got the full question here.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30"Hi, Rhod. Can you clear up something for me?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32"Am I going out with Cheryl or not?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34"I've not seen a paper lately and I've lost track."
0:06:34 > 0:06:36LAUGHTER
0:06:36 > 0:06:39"It's urgent as she's coming round, so I need to know
0:06:39 > 0:06:43- "whether to have sex with her or try and start an argument." - LAUGHTER
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Ah, here we go.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48The World Asks is our first round. The World Asks.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Let's see who wants to know what.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53We have a Californian wine maker. What does he want to know?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Hello from beautiful Malibu wine country, Rhod.
0:06:55 > 0:07:00You know, most great relationships start over a good glass of wine.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02So tell me this.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Is it possible to make someone fall in love with you?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07LAUGHTER
0:07:07 > 0:07:09"Is it possible to make someone fall in love with you?"
0:07:09 > 0:07:13John, can you see what you can find out while I chat to our panel?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Russell, do you reckon you can?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I'm from Essex - all you need is a sambuca and "Get in the van!" Job done.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21LAUGHTER
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Greg, can you make someone fall in love with you?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25The closest I ever came to it was, um...
0:07:25 > 0:07:29a friend of mine lent me his baby down by the...
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I was out having a coffee with him...
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35A friend of yours lent you his baby?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38He... I was out having a coffee with a friend and...
0:07:38 > 0:07:40You say, "Can I borrow your baby?"
0:07:40 > 0:07:43He went into a shop and I looked after the baby for a bit.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45I tried an experiment while I was on my own.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49And I just - a bit too loudly - said...
0:07:49 > 0:07:53"You and me will be all right together. Don't worry, Mummy's in heaven."
0:07:53 > 0:07:54And, um...
0:07:54 > 0:07:57LAUGHTER
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Not joking, women were throwing themselves.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04I had women almost getting run over crossing the road to get to me.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- It was awesome!- Having the baby made you more attractive to women?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Awesome. When I started breast-feeding it, that ruined it.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12LAUGHTER
0:08:12 > 0:08:13John, do you have anything?
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Yeah, it seems a flashy car really does make a difference.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Researchers at the University of Wales Institute showed women
0:08:21 > 0:08:24pictures of the same man sitting in two cars -
0:08:24 > 0:08:30a £70,000 silver Bentley and a battered Ford Fiesta.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32The women, aged between 21 to 40, picked the man
0:08:32 > 0:08:36sitting in the Bentley ahead of the same man in the battered Ford.
0:08:36 > 0:08:41No surprise that women are shallow. Lloyd, don't you think women are materialistic and shallow?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Yeah, I can't drive, though, so...
0:08:44 > 0:08:45LAUGHTER
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Incidentally, makes trips to the safari park really scary.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53LAUGHTER
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Is there anybody in the audience...? This is going to be very difficult.
0:08:57 > 0:09:03Is there any... er, woman, that doesn't fancy Lloyd OR Greg, cos we've got an experiment set up.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Yeah, let's get that lady to stand up. You, madam, yes.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09You do not fancy Greg or Lloyd?
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Nah.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Are you absolutely sure?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18LAUGHTER
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Pretty much.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23We'll see if we can make them more attractive
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- by putting them in different vehicles.- Good luck.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27"Good luck"?!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Let's see what we've got. Ooh!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Greg in a sports car.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- Do you not find him more attractive there?- No.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- Not even a little bit?- No.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43- Oh, come on!- OK, who's next? - LAUGHTER
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Is he any more attractive to you in there?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- No.- Still no?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Let's see the next one.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54LAUGHTER
0:09:54 > 0:09:55How does that make you feel?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Not even a uniform would help that!
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Right, let's see the next one.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04LAUGHTER
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Maybe if he was in the back!
0:10:09 > 0:10:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Does seem as if it is very difficult to make Greg and Lloyd
0:10:14 > 0:10:17look more attractive, but thank you very much.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18- What's your name, madam?- Laura.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Laura, ladies and gentlemen.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:10:22 > 0:10:25John, any more facts for us?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Well, we talked about love - it's all about pain.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Some interesting research on that - love can hurt.
0:10:31 > 0:10:36Stanford University researchers gave 15 students mild doses of pain
0:10:36 > 0:10:40while asking them to look at either a photo of their partner
0:10:40 > 0:10:44or a photo of someone they deemed to be equally attractive.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49They found that viewing a picture of their beloved reduced their perception of pain.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53So if you inflict pain on somebody while they're looking at something they love...
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- Yeah.- ..it shouldn't hurt as much. - No, it don't hurt as much.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Oh, I can feel an experiment coming on, John, can you?
0:10:59 > 0:11:00LAUGHTER
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Don't look like that, Greg!
0:11:02 > 0:11:06- Greg, it might not even be you I choose to do the experiment on! - Oh, OK(!)
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Unfortunately, it is on this occasion.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10LAUGHTER
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Let's get on with it, whatever it is. Let's get on with it.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14All right. Russell, can you, er...
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Unless you think of a more interesting way to give Greg pain,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20can you give Greg a pinch under the arm there?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22- What, there?- ARGH!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Ooh, that's awful!
0:11:24 > 0:11:25That is awful!
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Let's show you something you love while we inflict the pain and see if it doesn't hurt.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31A picture of your parents, Greg.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33ARGH!
0:11:33 > 0:11:35It makes no difference whatsoever.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Edith, could you administer a double nipple tweak, please?
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Oh, with pleasure.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- Topless!- Topless. Can we...?
0:11:41 > 0:11:42- Oh, I don't know.- Get it off.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45I don't know if I should take it off. Oh, all right.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Double?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- Double.- Double. OK. - Properly tweak them, Edith.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50HEEEYY!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Let's see the same double nipple tweak while showing you something you love.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00A lovely fatty burger and chips. Keep looking at the picture, Greg.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02WHOA!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04It did seem a little less.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- Greg, you loved the burger more than your parents!- OK...
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Stop playing!
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Let's go to John for an answer.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Well, we've got an answer from Professor Margaret Clark,
0:12:13 > 0:12:17a psychology professor from Yale University in the United States,
0:12:17 > 0:12:18who says, I quote,
0:12:18 > 0:12:22"No, it isn't possible to make someone fall in love with you.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25"There are things you can do to make yourself more lovable,
0:12:25 > 0:12:29"for example, you can pay attention to someone's needs, dreams
0:12:29 > 0:12:31"and goals and support them.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33"Or you can make yourself physically attractive
0:12:33 > 0:12:37"and display your wealth as a means of heightening sexual attraction."
0:12:37 > 0:12:39"It always takes two!"
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Thank you very much. I'll take that as an answer.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43ANGELIC CHOIR
0:12:43 > 0:12:45CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:12:45 > 0:12:49So, Malibu wine maker, you wanted to know if it's possible
0:12:49 > 0:12:52to make someone fall in love with you, and the answer is no.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56I'll award that round to Greg for going through all of that pain so bravely.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Let's see who else has a question for us.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Let's have a look. Kylie Minogue.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Ahh. Oh!
0:13:09 > 0:13:10This should be exciting(!)
0:13:10 > 0:13:12LAUGHTER
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Well, Chris, I would love to,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22but last time I went to one of your parties,
0:13:22 > 0:13:23I didn't get home till nearly 10pm
0:13:23 > 0:13:27and I'm pretty sure Aled Jones spiked my Ribena!
0:13:27 > 0:13:31I'll give it a miss this time, if you don't mind.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Ooh!
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Excuse me.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- Were you standing with, you know, reverence...- The boss.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44..or were you about to leave?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47- No, it's the boss. - That was, "He's the boss"?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Er, who's this? Ken Dodd.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Oh. David Beckham.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Let's look at our next round.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Let's see who wants to know what.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11It's Kevin Smith, Hollywood film director. What does he want to know?
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Hey, Rhod, Kevin Smith here. Long-time listener, first-time caller.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Let me share this with you, man.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19On my new movie, at the end of every day -
0:14:19 > 0:14:20a long, hard day on the set -
0:14:20 > 0:14:24I would like to relax with an ice-cold glass of milk,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27believe it or not. And it got me wondering, man.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Are we milking the right animals?
0:14:29 > 0:14:33LAUGHTER
0:14:33 > 0:14:35- Can you see what you can find out? - Right.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Er, panel, what do we think. Are we milking the right animals?
0:14:38 > 0:14:42- We only milk cows and goats, don't we?- Why not milk horses - they're big.- We do!
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- Can you?- You can get horses' milk, rats' milk, hippos' milk,
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- camel milk, spider milk.- You can't...
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Spider milk?!
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- You can definitely get rats' milk. - Remind me, can you buy human milk anywhere?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- You can.- Can you? - How much do you want?
0:14:55 > 0:14:56LAUGHTER
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Any of you ever drunk any human milk?
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Er...
0:15:00 > 0:15:02As not being a baby.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05No, I haven't. It's meant for babies, not for us.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Being able do something doesn't mean you SHOULD.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11I could get a jar of pickled onions up my backside, but I'm not going to.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13LAUGHTER
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I feel an experiment coming on, John.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17LAUGHTER
0:15:17 > 0:15:19John, can we have a fact?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Well, it's not just cows that we milk, of course, in the UK -
0:15:22 > 0:15:25goats' milk, sheep's milk, all well-known, too.
0:15:25 > 0:15:30In fact, you can milk any mammal that is lactating, including a whale.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34But other animals that are milked for human consumption include horses,
0:15:34 > 0:15:39water buffalo, camels, reindeer, donkeys and yaks.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43- John just said that you could milk a whale. I think that's awesome.- Yeah.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Couldn't we just get rid of cows and have one whale?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49How do baby whales, then, get on the teat underwater?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51How does the milk come out in the...?
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Doesn't it come out into a pool and the baby whales have to chase it underwater?
0:15:55 > 0:16:00You could do that when you're human - why don't we squeeze it out and the babies have to jump for it!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02That's how Greg and I like it!
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Babies running along the ground...
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Breast-feeding in public would be more fun if that happened!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I've got a little treat in store for you guys.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14If each of you reach under the table,
0:16:14 > 0:16:19you'll find somewhere under there a bottle of unidentified milk.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- I can tell you now, none of them are cow's milk. - I'm going to be sick.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24If you give me rat milk, I will walk, I swear.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Will you give us what the animals are?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I'll give you what the animals are
0:16:28 > 0:16:30after you've drunk it and had a guess.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31LAUGHTER
0:16:31 > 0:16:36Edith, ladies first. And you have to finish it.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37LAUGHTER
0:16:37 > 0:16:39It might be something nice!
0:16:39 > 0:16:40It's going to be rat milk.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43LAUGHTER
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- Sorry, sorry.- Can you shut up?
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Deep breath, quick swig.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Yes!
0:16:50 > 0:16:52It's definitely not cow's milk.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53What do you think?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I don't know - what are the options?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57All the animals in the world.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59LAUGHTER
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I'm going to go with goat's milk.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Goat's - jot that down. Greg, number two, please.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10LAUGHTER
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I'm going to say dolphin's milk.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Number three, Russell.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Down in one, down in one!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Edith, that tells us more about you than Russell.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:27 > 0:17:28HE WRETCHES
0:17:28 > 0:17:30LAUGHTER
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- Oh, my God. I don't want to do this. - Hold your nose!
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Oh, my God.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38That was...
0:17:38 > 0:17:40HE WRETCHES
0:17:40 > 0:17:42LAUGHTER
0:17:42 > 0:17:45That's like... That's just like licking earth or something.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- What is your guess? - I'm going to go with human.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51All right. Lloyd, can you try bottle four, please?
0:17:54 > 0:17:55It tastes floury.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- What, do you mean floral? - No, like flour in baking.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01I think that's horse milk.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04LAUGHTER
0:18:04 > 0:18:09You know the horses - always baking!
0:18:09 > 0:18:13What do you mean it tastes floury? "I think it's horse milk".
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Well, I mean, I'm not going to say it tastes floury,
0:18:16 > 0:18:19so it was from a baker.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Yeah, good point.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24It has to be an animal and I guessed horse.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Let's reveal what we've got. What did Edith think?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29You thought it was...
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- Goat?- Goat. What was it?
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Camel.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Where did you get camel?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I'll give you three guesses.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39LAUGHTER
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Greg.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- You thought it was...- Dolphin. - Dolphin. It was...
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Yak.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49- Russell, you thought it was... - Human milk.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51You thought it was human, it was donkey.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54LAUGHTER
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Lloyd, you were fairly sure yours was horse, am I right?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- Because of the flour. - Because of the flour.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03You should have taken the flour seriously.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05What usually uses flour?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Of the animal kingdom, who's most likely to bake?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09It is...
0:19:09 > 0:19:12GASPING AND LAUGHTER
0:19:12 > 0:19:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Lloyd, you're going to wish
0:19:21 > 0:19:25you hadn't confidently taken a second swig, because those weren't the breasts.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28LAUGHTER
0:19:28 > 0:19:31The actual breasts that were used for this experiment were...
0:19:31 > 0:19:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:37 > 0:19:41GASPING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:53 > 0:19:55John, do we have another fact?
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Well, nobody's mentioned pigs.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02We don't milk pigs as they're actually very difficult to milk.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Not only do they have 14 teats,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08but they get agitated
0:20:08 > 0:20:12when their teats are touched and have to be restrained.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15But that would be a good thing for milking - 14 teats, surely?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Why do humans only have two teats?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Well, cos they've only got two breasts.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Women have only got two nipples because generally,
0:20:27 > 0:20:29women have one baby,
0:20:29 > 0:20:31then another baby, so, that's that covered.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35By the time the third baby comes along, the first baby would be 18 months old
0:20:35 > 0:20:37and wouldn't need breast feeding.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Surely it would be better if we had more than two nipples, John.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Cows have got, like, how many? Five? No, it's probably six.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- Probably an even number, isn't it? How many?- Eight.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51- Has a cow got eight?- Yeah. - No way!- Yeah.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52So, why has a human only got two?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55You only milk six, you hang on to the other two.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58LAUGHTER
0:20:58 > 0:20:59There's weird things about cows.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04- What is it with the rain - they stand up when it's going to rain? - No, they lie down on the ground.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06They lie down when it's going to rain.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- They lie down when it's going to rain?- It's to keep the grass dry.
0:21:09 > 0:21:14It is not. Wait a minute, that can't pass without comment.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Horses and sheep, if it's going to rain,
0:21:16 > 0:21:17all get under a tree and shelter.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20But cows just lie down. They're still going to get wet.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- It's to protect the grass. - It is not to protect the grass!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25They don't think, "The rain's coming.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28"We better keep it dry - I don't like eating wet grass".
0:21:28 > 0:21:32It's not like when you're a kid, hiding your sweets from other kids.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33LAUGHTER
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Moo!
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Say you eat chips, right?
0:21:39 > 0:21:40And cows eat grass.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43If you were eating chips outside and it started raining,
0:21:43 > 0:21:45you'd cover them over, wouldn't you?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47They eat the grass and think,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50"Oh, I don't want my dinner to get wet, so I'll cover it over".
0:21:50 > 0:21:54- I do know the answer.- To that? - Yeah.- What is it?
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Air pressure makes the cow feel sick,
0:21:55 > 0:21:59so it sits down to be lower to the ground and it stops eating.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03What? There's a massive difference in air pressure from here...?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05I've got an interesting fact. It's not on here.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08When we were at Kyoto doing the climate change,
0:22:08 > 0:22:11the Australians refused to sign the Kyoto charter,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14largely because they said that the cows and the sheep
0:22:14 > 0:22:17were always flatulent and it was causing carbon.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21- True.- There's so much CO2 in the air from these animals eating grass
0:22:21 > 0:22:23that they couldn't sign the agreement.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- Really?- Yeah.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29That's why all those Australians go around with a hat on with corks on
0:22:29 > 0:22:32cos when they see one, they take a cork off and try and stop it.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:40 > 0:22:42We should get an expert on this one.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- Let's get an expert. - We can phone an expert.- OK.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Definitive answer -
0:22:46 > 0:22:49I've got someone you can talk to - Dr Peter Rowlinson.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52He's from the School of Agriculture, Food and Rural Development
0:22:52 > 0:22:54at Newcastle University.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Hello, Doctor Rowlinson?
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- 'Good day to you.'- Good day to you. Welcome to the show.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01'Thank you very much.'
0:23:01 > 0:23:04We're talking about milking other animals than milking cows.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Can you answer a few questions that have come?
0:23:07 > 0:23:11- 'Ask away.'- OK. Why do humans only have two nipples?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13'There's a very good correlation
0:23:13 > 0:23:17'between the number of young and the number of breasts,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19'so, as one of your panellists said,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22'humans, normally, will have one, sometimes two, babies,
0:23:22 > 0:23:26'therefore, two breasts are sufficient.'
0:23:26 > 0:23:28What about, then, the cow?
0:23:28 > 0:23:32They don't have six or seven births, do they?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34'No, that's very good, Lord Prescott.'
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- Thank you very much. - 'Excellent point.
0:23:37 > 0:23:43'The answer, probably, goes back to the old ancestors of the cow
0:23:43 > 0:23:45'which were very much smaller
0:23:45 > 0:23:48'and probably had two or three young.'
0:23:48 > 0:23:51So, they're a kind of evolutionary hangover?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- 'Yeah.'- But why do cows lie down when it's going to rain?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Is it, as Lloyd thinks, to keep their grass dry?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59'We're honestly not sure.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03'Part of it is to keep the grass dry.'
0:24:03 > 0:24:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:09 > 0:24:10No, it's not!
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Dr Rowlinson, how do you prove that?
0:24:14 > 0:24:18'They do seem able to anticipate whether...
0:24:18 > 0:24:22'And part of that is thought to be due to pressure changes.'
0:24:22 > 0:24:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Dr Rowlinson, just to come back to our question -
0:24:31 > 0:24:33are we milking the right animals?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Are we and why aren't we milking other things?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Can you sum that up to us nice and pithily, please?
0:24:38 > 0:24:42'A pithy answer is yes, we are milking the right animals.
0:24:42 > 0:24:47'90% of the milk consumed by humans is from cows,
0:24:47 > 0:24:50'and it's really just a question of size -
0:24:50 > 0:24:52'they're large, they're convenient,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55'they've been domesticated, they're docile.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59'A cow is the optimal species.'
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Thanks for being with us. I will take that as an answer.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06APPLAUSE
0:25:06 > 0:25:10So, Kevin Smith, the answer is yes, we are milking the right animals.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14I'm awarding that to Lloyd for drinking Greg's mother's breast milk.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Next it is time for my quick-fire round The Audience Asks.
0:25:20 > 0:25:25I'm going to try and get through as many questions as I can before we hear this noise.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- JOHN PRESCOTT:- 'Will the honourable member shut up?'
0:25:28 > 0:25:31LAUGHTER
0:25:31 > 0:25:34We won't bother with the answer button, there's no time.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- It's a quick-fire round so I'll use this bell. - RINGS BELL
0:25:38 > 0:25:42So, who's first? Matthew Payne. What's your question?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45What's the point in trying to get to Mars?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48LAUGHTER
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Since we're in Glasgow, probably to deep-fry it.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54LAUGHTER
0:25:54 > 0:25:57David Hill, where are you? What's your question?
0:25:57 > 0:26:03- If Pinocchio told you...- Oh, God. Pinocchio doesn't exist, David.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06If he told you his nose was about to grow, what would happen?
0:26:06 > 0:26:10Well, it depends if he's lying.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Because he didn't always lie.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16What he's saying is, if he states, "My nose is about to grow"
0:26:16 > 0:26:18and it isn't, that is itself a lie,
0:26:18 > 0:26:21and his nose would automatically grow. It's a philosophical circle.
0:26:21 > 0:26:27- He's created a philosophical circle! - If Pinocchio says...
0:26:27 > 0:26:30"My nose is about to grow," what would happen?
0:26:30 > 0:26:35Sometimes it would grow, sometimes it wouldn't, depending on whether Pinocchio's lying or not.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39No, always. It would always have to grow if he was lying.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43- No, it wouldn't.- This is supposed to be a quick-fire round!
0:26:43 > 0:26:46You can't raise philosophical circles that baffle the panel!
0:26:46 > 0:26:53- It's not deep. He can't always have lied! He can't always have lied. - He's not real.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57But every time he lies, his nose grows.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00So if he says, "No, my nose is not about to grow".
0:27:00 > 0:27:02If it didn't grow, he'd then be lying.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05RHOD RINGS BELL REPEATEDLY
0:27:06 > 0:27:08BANGS GAVEL
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Order, order. You!
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Who's next? Kirsty Wallace. Hello, Kirsty.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Hiya. Why does my one-year-old always sneeze
0:27:17 > 0:27:19when his mouth is full of Weetabix?
0:27:19 > 0:27:21LAUGHTER
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Is he allergic to Weetabix? Has he got a wheat allergy?
0:27:25 > 0:27:28I think it's just to annoy me, cos it goes all over me.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Why do you keep shoving Weetabix in his mouth?
0:27:31 > 0:27:38Have you tried putting some milk with it? I've got some here.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Stop feeding it to him!
0:27:40 > 0:27:45I don't know, stop feeding him it. James Fraser, where are you? James, hello.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49I'd like to know why when people talk about spiral staircases
0:27:49 > 0:27:52they always have to motion with their hands.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54When people talk about spiral staircases?
0:27:54 > 0:27:58How often do people talk about spiral staircases in your life?
0:27:58 > 0:28:01- Not too often.- But when they do they always go like this?
0:28:01 > 0:28:06- Yep.- They do that cos they're downstairs.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08LAUGHTER
0:28:08 > 0:28:12People usually talk about it downstairs, that's why.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15- PRESCOTT:- 'Will the honourable member shut up?'
0:28:15 > 0:28:21Time is up. I'm going to award that round to Lloyd for his spiral staircase.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24APPLAUSE
0:28:24 > 0:28:27We've got through nearly all the questions this week,
0:28:27 > 0:28:29but there's time for one more.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32It is our Special Guest Asks round.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36- Edith, I believe you have a question.- I do.
0:28:36 > 0:28:41I'm allergic to all animals, and I'm a massive techno geek as well,
0:28:41 > 0:28:46so I want to ask, will robots ever be man's best friend?
0:28:46 > 0:28:51John, can you see what you can find out? Will robots ever be man's best friend? What do our panel think?
0:28:51 > 0:28:56If you could get a robot to do one thing to improve your life, what would you do?
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Monitor traffic wardens around my car. I just seem to attract them.
0:28:59 > 0:29:04- Does "Seem to attract them", mean "I seem to park illegally?" - LAUGHTER
0:29:04 > 0:29:10- Don't you think they're the nearest we've got to robots?- Yeah.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12LAUGHTER
0:29:13 > 0:29:16- ROBOTIC VOICE:- I've started writing.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18What would you get a robot to do if you had one?
0:29:18 > 0:29:23This is terrible, but wouldn't it be great if you're feeling knackered, just put a robot on stage?
0:29:23 > 0:29:28- ROBOTIC VOICE:- "What's that all about? EasyJet."
0:29:28 > 0:29:31- You could just laser hecklers. "Shut up." - MIMICS LASER SOUND
0:29:31 > 0:29:36- Lloyd, are you a techno geek? - I'm the opposite of it.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39My phone is really old, and it's full to capacity,
0:29:39 > 0:29:42so every time I make a new friend I have to lose an old one.
0:29:42 > 0:29:46So your phone's got four spaces on it?
0:29:46 > 0:29:50You want to watch Lloyd typing, it's one of the funniest things you will ever see.
0:29:50 > 0:29:57- Lloyd can only type with one finger. - Show us.- Literally like this.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00That is it! I just think, why don't you go like this?
0:30:00 > 0:30:03LAUGHTER
0:30:03 > 0:30:07If he wants to save something, I come in and press control while he presses S.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10John, have you got any more information?
0:30:10 > 0:30:15Yeah, some robots are multi-purpose, but some are built for the single purpose, like this one.
0:30:15 > 0:30:19DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:30:22 > 0:30:24LAUGHTER
0:30:30 > 0:30:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:33 > 0:30:39That is Humpbot, and that clip restores my faith in the internet.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42Greg, can you think of a way of testing
0:30:42 > 0:30:45whether robots might be man's best friend?
0:30:45 > 0:30:49Do you know what, Rob? I think I probably can!
0:30:49 > 0:30:51Let's go to the lab!
0:30:51 > 0:30:55APPLAUSE
0:30:56 > 0:31:01Welcome to the lab. Lloyd's just asked me if robots will ever be man's best friend around the house.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04We're about to find out.
0:31:04 > 0:31:08Lloyd, what sort of domestic tasks do you envisage you'd need help with?
0:31:08 > 0:31:12Well, say, Greg, you'd made a spaghetti bolognese and me
0:31:12 > 0:31:15with my butterfingers accidentally pushed it on the floor.
0:31:15 > 0:31:21Oh, no, that's gone everywhere. Let's bring in the RHOD-BOT 3000.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24LAUGHTER
0:31:28 > 0:31:32- Chop-chop.- What am I going to clean it up with?- With your hoover face.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35Get on with it!
0:31:35 > 0:31:37Hurry up, RHOD-BOT!
0:31:37 > 0:31:40While RHOD-BOT's getting on with that,
0:31:40 > 0:31:42what other problems do you envisage you might have?
0:31:42 > 0:31:45Well, say I poured you a lovely glass of wine.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48Keep eating, RHOD-BOT, we need it all cleaned up.
0:31:48 > 0:31:50Oh no, look what's happened.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54I'll try sprinkling an awful lot of salt on top of the wine stain.
0:31:54 > 0:31:59- It's not working. - We'll have to use RHOD-BOT.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03I envisage another problem.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06Edith Bowman, she was going to come round in a minutes' time
0:32:06 > 0:32:08because she needed to use the toilet.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11Wait a minute. There's no way Edith can use our toilet.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13It's been blocked for over seven years.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15LAUGHTER
0:32:15 > 0:32:16Nothing to fear, Lloyd,
0:32:16 > 0:32:19RHOD-BOT comes with a special attachment.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23RHOD-BOT's cleaning attachment's on.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26I'll just switch... There we are. WHIRRING
0:32:26 > 0:32:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:29 > 0:32:32AUDIENCE GROANS
0:32:32 > 0:32:33What?
0:32:35 > 0:32:37What?
0:32:37 > 0:32:39RHOD GROANS
0:32:43 > 0:32:46- RHOD-BOT has another talent I want to demonstrate.- No, there's not.
0:32:46 > 0:32:50You'd better get ready to scarper. This is quite drastic this one.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52It's the Hump-Bot button.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54Run!
0:32:54 > 0:32:55BOUNCY MUSIC AND LAUGHTER
0:33:00 > 0:33:03Come back. I can't get round.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09John, push the answer button, for God's sake!
0:33:09 > 0:33:10Yes, the answer is...
0:33:10 > 0:33:14Dr Reid Simmons from the Robotic Institute
0:33:14 > 0:33:19at the Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh says,
0:33:19 > 0:33:25"Yes, robots will ultimately achieve the level of intelligence and sensibility
0:33:25 > 0:33:28"that could make people want to be friends with them."
0:33:28 > 0:33:32- Yes! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:33:34 > 0:33:38I'm giving that round to Lord Prescott. He's the only one who asked
0:33:38 > 0:33:43and hasn't done anything to me. And...that's pretty much it for tonight.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46So, people of Britain, if you've got a question
0:33:46 > 0:33:50you can tweet #AskRhod on Twitter.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53But for tonight, it's thanks to Edith Bowman, Russell Kane...
0:33:53 > 0:33:55APPLAUSE
0:33:55 > 0:33:56..Greg Davies and Lloyd Manford,
0:33:56 > 0:34:02and, of course, our thanks go to Lord John Prescott.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04CHEERING
0:34:04 > 0:34:08I'm RHOD-BOT Gilbert and you can ask me literally anything tonight.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:34:22 > 0:34:26Subtitling by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:34:26 > 0:34:29E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:34:37 > 0:34:43- Be my date for tonight! Dear people! - LAUGHTER
0:34:47 > 0:34:50We need to take this hat off. We can't hear him.
0:34:50 > 0:34:54Oh well...
0:34:54 > 0:34:56LAUGHTER