0:00:17 > 0:00:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:22 > 0:00:26'Tonight on Ask Rhod Gilbert our special guests are...
0:00:26 > 0:00:31'He's the silver fox in sheep's clothing, it's Larry Lamb!
0:00:32 > 0:00:36'And award-winning stand-up Andi Osho!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40'They're here every week,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43'it's Greg Davies!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47'And Lloyd Langford!'
0:00:48 > 0:00:52'Ladies and gentlemen, Ask Rhod Gilbert!'
0:00:52 > 0:00:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Hello. Yes, my name is Rhod Gilbert and tonight my job is to find the answers to the questions
0:01:03 > 0:01:08that keep us all awake at night. Questions like, what's the point of a four seasons pizza?
0:01:08 > 0:01:14Who wants a meal where you're 100 percent sure three quarters of the ingredients are out of season?
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- Anyway, since when was ham a season? - LAUGHTER
0:01:17 > 0:01:21Another thing, why are food and drinks manufacturers so determined to wind me up?
0:01:21 > 0:01:25I went to a supermarket this week and I've got a few questions.
0:01:25 > 0:01:30Why are you banging on about how your cider contains 17 varieties of apple? I couldn't give a stuff!
0:01:30 > 0:01:35Do you think if you'd put 16 in, I'd have tasted it and thought, "Somebody's cut a few corners"?
0:01:35 > 0:01:39- LAUGHTER - Why do you call some lasagne "Taste The Difference" lasagne?
0:01:39 > 0:01:44If it tastes different to ordinary lasagne, then that tastes different to the Taste The Difference lasagne,
0:01:44 > 0:01:47so they should both be Taste The Difference lasagnes.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52But let's face it, I'm never going to taste the difference in this Taste The Difference lasagne
0:01:52 > 0:01:57unless I eat both, then subtract the taste of the ordinary lasagne from the Taste The Difference lasagne.
0:01:57 > 0:02:02And I want my lasagne to taste like lasagne, so just call them both Taste The Lasagne and move on!
0:02:02 > 0:02:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:06 > 0:02:09In a world full of uncertainty, we need someone with credibility
0:02:09 > 0:02:13to help us find the answers to our questions. So as always, we begin by asking,
0:02:13 > 0:02:16"Who is tonight's authenticator?"
0:02:16 > 0:02:20She's one of those very rare creatures, an Australian intellectual!
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Oh, bonza! LAUGHTER
0:02:26 > 0:02:29She's considered one of the world's foremost feminists.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33LAUGHTER
0:02:37 > 0:02:41She wrote an international bestselling book called The Female Eunuch.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43LAUGHTER
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Yes, tonight's authenticator is writer, academic, journalist
0:02:50 > 0:02:53and all-round smarty-pants Germaine Greer!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:01 > 0:03:07- Hello, Germaine! Thank you for coming on the show. - It's really cool to be here.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- I quite liked you saying cool there. - Second childhood.
0:03:10 > 0:03:15- There was a glance over to me to say, "Are kids still saying that?" - LAUGHTER
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- I've got to level with you, I've got no idea. - LAUGHTER
0:03:18 > 0:03:23- Lloyd, are kids still saying cool? You're the youngest. - No, they say sick now.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- Sick?- Yeah. - So you don't say wicked anymore?
0:03:26 > 0:03:31- No!- Well, I don't, Germaine, cos I'm 28. - LAUGHTER
0:03:31 > 0:03:36- How will you be helping us tonight? - I'm here to provide you and the panel
0:03:36 > 0:03:41- with all the information you need to answer tonight's questions. Cool? - Wonderful.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43When I think we have an answer, I will do this.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46LOUD CHORD
0:03:47 > 0:03:50What have you learnt recently, Andi?
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Erm, I learned recently that, you know when you use a mobile phone,
0:03:54 > 0:03:59that you don't get a little bit of your voice in the speaker, and that's why people shout.
0:03:59 > 0:04:04OK, when you're on a landline phone, you get a little bit of your own voice in the speaker,
0:04:04 > 0:04:08so when you're talking, you're hearing a little bit of yourself as well as the other person.
0:04:08 > 0:04:14- But on a mobile, you don't hear yourself.- Are you saying that when you're on a mobile phone, you...
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- LAUGHTER - Is that what you're saying?- No.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20You don't go, "Hello, I'm on my landline! Can you hear me now?"
0:04:20 > 0:04:25- You don't do that. - But there's not a train going past in their lounge, is there?
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Honestly, I'm not arguing about this, cos it's a true fact, not a made-up one.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- Are you working for a landline company? - LAUGHTER
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- Larry, I've got a question for you. - Tell me.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- I heard...- I "hyerd".
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- LAUGHTER - I "hyerd"! - As I said that, it came out wrong.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45- It's amazing that I could hear it, cos I haven't got a landline.- Ohh! - LAUGHTER
0:04:45 > 0:04:48APPLAUSE
0:04:48 > 0:04:56I learnt this week that you were in the film Superman III. Is that correct?
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- HE LAUGHS - Oh, my God. I was in all three Superman films.
0:05:00 > 0:05:05- Yep. There was only me and Christopher Reeve that were in all three.- Who were you?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Not very important people in the first two,
0:05:08 > 0:05:12- and then I played a coal miner in the third one.- Right.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16- I just really want to watch all three Superman films. - That'll improve your life.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20- LAUGHTER - Dear, oh, dear.- You don't know how lucky you are.- No, you don't.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23So, let's find out who wants to know what tonight.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Who have we got? Oh.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29LAUGHTER
0:05:35 > 0:05:37LAUGHTER
0:05:37 > 0:05:39APPLAUSE
0:05:40 > 0:05:44- Hang on. It's friend of the show... - LAUGHTER
0:05:44 > 0:05:48He is! Kim Jong-il. Every week, we have at least one question from Kim Jong-il.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53He just keeps sending pictures of himself with a question. What's he asking this week?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59LAUGHTER
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Let's see what these horses want to know, shall we?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:20 > 0:06:23This is our first question. Who wants to know what?
0:06:23 > 0:06:27It is DJ Westwood. What does he want to know?
0:06:27 > 0:06:34Yo, Rhod! It's Westwood. Now, as a DJ, I still love to play the vinyl records on the wheels of steel.
0:06:34 > 0:06:39But without the paper, the vinyl gets destroyed.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44So here's a question for you, Rhod. What was the most important invention?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Was is paper
0:06:46 > 0:06:49or was it the wheel?
0:06:50 > 0:06:55- Yeah, boy! - Was it paper or was it the wheel? Germaine, see what you can find out,
0:06:55 > 0:06:59and I will ask our lovely panel to see what they think.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- We could get rid of paper now, though, couldn't we? - No, I don't think we could.
0:07:03 > 0:07:09- We've got computers and emails.- You could get rid of wheels, just have triangular ones.- Triangular wheels.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14- It's still a wheel, even if it's not completely spherical.. - In that case,
0:07:14 > 0:07:19- if anything that is a shape is a wheel...- Anything that's used as a wheel is a wheel.- That's not fair!
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Anything that's used as paper is paper, then.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- Yeah.- Right. So my hand is now paper.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- It's...- I'm Edward Paperhands.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- LAUGHTER It's providing the same... - That's rubbish,
0:07:30 > 0:07:37- "Anything that's used as a wheel is a wheel." Not, it's not! - For these purposes, define a wheel.
0:07:37 > 0:07:42- I'm getting my pen over to Andi using my wheel.- And your hands.
0:07:42 > 0:07:47In that case, we can get rid of wheels and just have crows as wheels, is that what you're saying?
0:07:47 > 0:07:50I can't do a Christmas card on my hand, can I?
0:07:50 > 0:07:54I can't say, "Oh, I've got to do my Christmas cards. Happy Christmas, everyone."
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- LAUGHTER - What do you think, Larry, paper or the wheel?
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- It's got to be the wheel. - Why?- Everything that runs, everything that moves,
0:08:02 > 0:08:07everything that operates the world that we live in basically uses the wheel.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Everything. You can't print paper without the wheel nowadays.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- No question.- Look at that. Takes a confident sip of water.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- LAUGHTER - The case for the prosecution. I rest.- That's it.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22- I think paper's more important. - You can have a bidet instead of toilet paper.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26- You can.- In ancient times, they used to use their hands.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30Everyone still uses their hands, they just have toilet paper on, as well.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:36 > 0:08:39In Japan, they don't, actually. I went to Tokyo
0:08:39 > 0:08:43and they have an incredibly accurate bidet toilet there. Incredibly accurate.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- LAUGHTER - Was it fun?- Well, let's just say, it was almost life-changing.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- LAUGHTER - Really?
0:08:50 > 0:08:54You press a button and I can only presume there's a tiny sniper in there
0:08:54 > 0:09:00who just gets it, boom, right in the hotspot.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- LAUGHTER - Can you imagine a world without toilet paper, Germaine?
0:09:03 > 0:09:07I disapprove of toilet paper cos it's covered half the world in Monterey pine.
0:09:07 > 0:09:12- But you can't wipe your bottom on a wheel, that's certainly true. - LAUGHTER
0:09:12 > 0:09:17You can wipe your bottom on anything. You could wipe it on a Rubik's Cube. LAUGHTER
0:09:17 > 0:09:19If we say the wheel,
0:09:19 > 0:09:22what would Chamberlain have come back and said?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25"I have in my hand... Oh, actually, that's it. Sorry."
0:09:25 > 0:09:29LAUGHTER He wouldn't have gone, "I have in my hand... Oh, nothing."
0:09:29 > 0:09:33He'd have said, "I've been having a chat with Hitler".
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Yeah, but nobody would remember that as a great speech.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39It's a great speech cos he goes, "I have in my hand a piece of paper".
0:09:39 > 0:09:43He'd go, "I had a chat with Hitler". That wouldn't have gone down in history.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46If he'd said, "I have in my hand a piece of slate..."
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Everybody would've gone, "So what? Go do somebody's roof".
0:09:49 > 0:09:51LAUGHTER
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Have you got any facts for us about wheels or paper or inventions?
0:09:55 > 0:09:59The wheel has certainly been around longer than paper.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Pictures of vehicles with wheels
0:10:02 > 0:10:05appear on pottery that's over 5,000 years old,
0:10:05 > 0:10:09whereas paper only goes back about 2,000 years.
0:10:09 > 0:10:14I don't get that. If there was wheels on pots, pictures of wheels on vehicles on pots,
0:10:14 > 0:10:18does that mean at some point that potters had potter's wheels going
0:10:18 > 0:10:22- before they thought about...- Ohh!
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- They used to make pots with... They'd sort of...- Coil pots.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- You'd have to have a wheel to make a round pot.- No.
0:10:28 > 0:10:33- You roll...- That's a wall. - No, you roll the clay like a snake
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- and then you wind it round. You wind it like that.- Coil pots.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40- That's how they made the original pots. - We used to do it in primary school.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45- How do you know so much about pots? - Because he went to school in England. LAUGHTER
0:10:45 > 0:10:49In Wales, your homework projects were, "Go on, chase that pig".
0:10:49 > 0:10:53LAUGHTER "Chase that pig and smash his head in with a hammer."
0:10:53 > 0:10:57- LAUGHTER - I'll have you know I got a B in pig chasing.
0:10:57 > 0:11:02- LAUGHTER - Well, I've got the results of a survey here.- Oh!
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Tesco Mobile asked 4,000 people
0:11:06 > 0:11:09what they thought the best inventions of all time were.
0:11:09 > 0:11:14Now, ignoring paper and the wheel, I've got the top three here.
0:11:14 > 0:11:19I want our panel to see if they can guess the top three inventions of all time. What do you reckon?
0:11:19 > 0:11:23- Greg.- Milkshake. LAUGHTER
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- Milkshake. Is it there? - FAMILY FORTUNES BUZZER
0:11:26 > 0:11:31- Larry.- I sort of think that probably the steam engine, the telephone and electricity.
0:11:31 > 0:11:37- FAMILY FORTUNES BUZZER - Andi.- Erm, I'm going to say the internet.- Is it there?
0:11:38 > 0:11:43- Ooh! - APPLAUSE - Dishwasher should be there.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45FAMILY FORTUNES BUZZER
0:11:45 > 0:11:50I love my dishwasher. It's like a husband only better cos it does what you tell it, when you tell it,
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- and the rest of the time, it shuts up. - LAUGHTER
0:11:53 > 0:11:57- You surprise me. I'd have thought you'd hate dishwashers.- I love it.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- Being a feminist, it's taking one of your jobs away. - AUDIENCE: Ohhh!
0:12:01 > 0:12:04APPLAUSE
0:12:05 > 0:12:09- One last chance. Come on. - The contraceptive pill.- Aghh!
0:12:09 > 0:12:14- It's number ten, and only a man would possibly say that! - LAUGHTER
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Jeepers. You might as well say chlamydia.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Chlamydia. Is it there?
0:12:20 > 0:12:23FAMILY FORTUNES BUZZER
0:12:23 > 0:12:29- What are they, then? - Well, number two is the light bulb.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- What's the first one?- Aeroplane.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- Get away!- It wasn't me, it was them!
0:12:36 > 0:12:39That's more important than the invention of the plate?
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Imagine doing a long-haul flight and the stewardess coming by,
0:12:43 > 0:12:46"Do you want the beef, sir?" "Agh!"
0:12:46 > 0:12:49LAUGHTER
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Are we any closer to an answer, Germaine?
0:12:51 > 0:12:57Well, I've got someone on the phone who should be able to give us an answer and that's Dr Colin Brown
0:12:57 > 0:13:02from the Institution of Mechanical Engineers. Say hello, Rhod.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06- "Hello."- Hello! This is Rhod. How are you?- "I'm very well.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10- "Looking forward to your question." - Have you been listening?- "I have.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- "And I've heard some interesting stuff and some silly stuff." - Have you?
0:13:14 > 0:13:18"The wheel is in everything. It makes electricity, it pumps water, it pumps gas.
0:13:18 > 0:13:23- "You're not going to be able to get home tonight without a wheel." - I could just walk home.
0:13:23 > 0:13:28- "You could, but you'll use street lights to illuminate the way."- Nope.
0:13:28 > 0:13:33- LAUGHTER - It seems like we're counting anything round as a wheel.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Cos there are some things that are round that rotate, but they're not wheels.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41"It's anything that's got an axle. It's not a roller, it's not like a tree trunk,
0:13:41 > 0:13:47"it's something that's got an axle and all the things we've talked about have an axle you can control."
0:13:47 > 0:13:51So can you sum it up for us, Dr Brown? The wheel is the more important?
0:13:51 > 0:13:55"It is by far the more important and will never be substituted."
0:13:55 > 0:14:00- Ooh. A bold claim, but I will take that as an answer. Thank you. - LOUD CHORD
0:14:00 > 0:14:02APPLAUSE
0:14:05 > 0:14:09So, Westwood, you wanted to know whether paper or the wheel was more important
0:14:09 > 0:14:11and the answer is that wheel beats paper.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15I met a man once who said he was a paper millionaire, which didn't mean much to me.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20I then met a man who said he was a "wheel" millionaire. It was Jonathan Ross.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:24 > 0:14:28And I'm awarding that round to Greg.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Let's see who else has a question for us.
0:14:34 > 0:14:39- Lord Sugar. Are you a fan of The Apprentice, Germaine?- No.- Oh.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- LAUGHTER - What, you mean...
0:14:42 > 0:14:46- I find it brutal.- Do you? - It's pretty cool, right?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48LAUGHTER
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- I hate it!- Don't you think it's made business quite sexy, though?
0:14:51 > 0:14:55- Quite a boring thing quite sexy? - Yeah, just look at him.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- LAUGHTER - Phwoar!
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Ah, Bjork.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06LAUGHTER
0:15:06 > 0:15:08It's the toffee penny, since you ask.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12- LAUGHTER - Let's have a question from Boris Johnson. Fans of Boris?
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- Can I tell you something about Boris Johnson?- Tell me whatever you like.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Well, it's about his dad. Cos apparently, him and his dad look really similar
0:15:20 > 0:15:24and his dad rides a bike, as well, and his dad was out on his bike one day just riding along
0:15:24 > 0:15:29and some geezer shouted at him, "Oi, Johnson, you wanker!" and he went, "I think you mean my son".
0:15:29 > 0:15:31LAUGHTER
0:15:31 > 0:15:35His name's Stanley Johnson and he tells a story
0:15:35 > 0:15:39that he was in a car I was driving in Bucharest.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43But he tells this story that I was banging on about something
0:15:43 > 0:15:47and he was so overcome with the tedium of it all
0:15:47 > 0:15:53that he opened the door and just allowed himself to fall out at a stop light
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- and I drove on without him! - LAUGHTER
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Oh, at a stop light? I thought you'd told a story so dull,
0:15:59 > 0:16:04- someone had thrown themselves from a moving vehicle.- And you carried on talking and driving?
0:16:04 > 0:16:08Yes! Well, I wasn't going to go back for bloody Stanley Johnson, was I?
0:16:08 > 0:16:12- LAUGHTER - Oh, look. Pandas.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18LAUGHTER
0:16:20 > 0:16:22It's our next round, The World Asks.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Let's see who wants to know what.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Ah, it's a rodeo cowboy. What does he want to know?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Yippee-ki-yay, Mr Gilbert. Here at the rodeo,
0:16:32 > 0:16:36sometimes the animals seem to be more in control of us than we are of them.
0:16:36 > 0:16:42I want to know, if all humans were to become extinct, which animal do you think would take over the world?
0:16:42 > 0:16:43LAUGHTER
0:16:43 > 0:16:49I thought he was going to ask, "What happens when you cross a hat with a paper aeroplane?"
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- LAUGHTER - What exactly is wrong with his hat?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55APPLAUSE
0:16:55 > 0:17:00Er, if humans became extinct, what animal would take over?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03See what you can find out, Germaine, and I will talk to our panel.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- Who's going to take over if humans become extinct?- I think insects.
0:17:07 > 0:17:13- Insects will not take over.- They have the numbers. They just haven't got the organisation at the moment.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17- Birds eat insects. - Nothing can beat monkeys, though. Monkeys would take over.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22- Birds beat monkeys. - Birds don't beat monkeys in paper, scissors, stone, animal world.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26Yes, they do. Bird eats insects and bird, er... Birds would irritate monkeys.
0:17:26 > 0:17:31Yeah. And then monkey throws bird against wall. LAUGHTER
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Just before hits wall, bird realises it can fly and just flies up.
0:17:35 > 0:17:41Monkey's thrown bird against wall two feet away, so bird hasn't got time to unfurl its wings before it hits wall.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- Bird doesn't need to unfurl wings. Bird is bird. - LAUGHTER
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Have you ever seen a bird get up in the morning and think, "I'll just unfurl these"?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- LAUGHTER - I think it's going to be the dogs.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56- I think it's dogs. Cos we've given them the training.- Mm.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59I think that dogs would. Cos you don't get sniffer monkeys, do you?
0:17:59 > 0:18:05- Or guide cats? The dogs. - How do you answer that, Greg? You don't get sniffer monkeys.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09My monkeys will be riding on the dogs. Dogs will become the new horses.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13- LAUGHTER - I don't think anything would take over.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15It would all balance itself out again.
0:18:15 > 0:18:20The animals would all get on with each other, some would eat each other and do what they do anyway,
0:18:20 > 0:18:25and if you really boil it down, it looks like we're the ones that have screwed it all up!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28APPLAUSE
0:18:29 > 0:18:33I've got a theory that all the animals in the world
0:18:33 > 0:18:37probably can't understand each other from different countries.
0:18:37 > 0:18:42Like, if you took a cow in Devon and a cow in India, they're not going to understand each other.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- Oh, oh!- No, bear with me.
0:18:44 > 0:18:49- I'm listening. - The one animal that can understand each other all over the world
0:18:49 > 0:18:52because it's all linked is in the sea, whales.
0:18:52 > 0:18:57Because they've got sonar, I think they'd find it easy to communicate and coordinate.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- I've got sonar.- You've got sonar?
0:19:00 > 0:19:05I told Lloyd this the other day and he laughed at me. I proved it.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- Do it again.- All right.- Can I just point out, Greg doesn't have sonar.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12- LAUGHTER - You don't have sonar. - Get a bit of paper and test me.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17- Andi, put your hands over Greg's eyes to make sure he's not cheating. - All right.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19- LAUGHTER - Come on.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- Are you in front of me, though? - Yes, he is. Off you go.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Boop! LAUGHTER
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Boooop! LAUGHTER
0:19:29 > 0:19:33Boooooooop! LAUGHTER
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- 12, 13 foot.- Oh!- Very good!
0:19:36 > 0:19:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:40 > 0:19:45- That is ridiculous. That is ridiculous.- Don't like it, do you?
0:19:45 > 0:19:49- Don't like my sonar powers. - I was perfectly happy with you looking like a whale,
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- I just don't like you having sonar. - LAUGHTER
0:19:52 > 0:19:57Let's have a fact, Germaine. Any more information on what species may take over?
0:19:57 > 0:20:05Well, some animals are crafty enough to get one up on us already. Here's a clip.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07RAP MUSIC
0:20:17 > 0:20:20LAUGHTER
0:20:20 > 0:20:24APPLAUSE
0:20:24 > 0:20:28I went into a little seafood stand at Folkestone, down on the harbour,
0:20:28 > 0:20:33and bought some cockles and walked away from the stand eating the cockles
0:20:33 > 0:20:36and a seagull swooped straight down and grabbed the whole bag of cockles
0:20:36 > 0:20:39and I turned around to the woman in the cockle stand
0:20:39 > 0:20:42and she just pointed to this sign which says,
0:20:42 > 0:20:47"We are not responsible if seagulls pinch your seafood."
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- Happens all the time. - I've got a little experiment here
0:20:50 > 0:20:55as a way of possibly deciding which species might take over from us.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00If you look under your desk, each of you will have hands from different species of animals.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02I want you to try and see if you can feed yourself.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06I'd love to know what animal this is supposed to be.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- LAUGHTER - A dolphin.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- What have you got there, Lloyd? - Hooves.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17LAUGHTER
0:21:17 > 0:21:22- Lloyd has got hooves, Larry's got claws.- I've got... I'm webbed.
0:21:22 > 0:21:27- We've got to eat as much as we can? - Eat as much as you can. On your marks, get set, go!
0:21:29 > 0:21:32LAUGHTER
0:21:32 > 0:21:36It's a confident start from Larry with his claws. Oh, Greg's away with the tangerine!
0:21:36 > 0:21:39LAUGHTER
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Good effort. Ohh!
0:21:45 > 0:21:48LAUGHTER
0:21:50 > 0:21:55Oh, look at Larry Lamb peeling his tangerine like there's no tomorrow. He's in!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57- He's in! - LAUGHTER
0:21:57 > 0:22:02- Greg, maybe you could collaborate with Larry... - LAUGHTER
0:22:03 > 0:22:06LAUGHTER
0:22:07 > 0:22:11I think Larry is doing remarkably well with the claws.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Despite the effort that Greg is making with that yoghurt,
0:22:14 > 0:22:19I am going to announce Larry as the winner cos he's almost finished. Larry is our winner.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:27 > 0:22:32Er, while you put those things away, are we any closer to finding an answer, Germaine?
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Er, Professor Dean Falk of Florida State University
0:22:36 > 0:22:39says it's the chimpanzee who will take over.
0:22:39 > 0:22:44Their brains come closest to those of humans in terms of organisation.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49They have been known to manufacture tools and are quite a territorial and dominant species.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Therefore it's possible that they could evolve into
0:22:53 > 0:22:57by far the most intelligent species left on earth.
0:22:57 > 0:23:02- So Greg was right. I will take that as an answer. - LOUD CHORD
0:23:02 > 0:23:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:05 > 0:23:09Rodeo Cowboy, you asked which animal would take over the world
0:23:09 > 0:23:11if we became extinct? The answer is chimps.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15I'm going to award that round to Larry for his superb use of claws.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Next it's time for my quick-fire round, The Audience Asks.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29I'm going to try and get through as many questions as I can before we hear this noise.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32# I'm every woman
0:23:32 > 0:23:36There's no time for the answer button. We're just going to use this bell.
0:23:36 > 0:23:43- BELL CHIMES - So, who's first? No time, crack on, it's Chris Teear.- Hi, Rhod.- Hi.
0:23:43 > 0:23:48- What's the point of culottes? - I think it's for the lady who enjoys wearing a skirt
0:23:48 > 0:23:52- but is worried that she'll... - But she likes something between her legs.- Yeah.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55LAUGHTER
0:23:55 > 0:23:58We have no idea what the point of culottes is.
0:23:58 > 0:24:03- David Livingstone. Hello, David. - Hiya. Why can't you feel pain on the skin of your elbow?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:09- Yeah!- Oh!
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- Yeah!- It's worth knowing though, like, in a fight situation,
0:24:14 > 0:24:18- if someone's attacking you, to just hold up your elbows. - LAUGHTER
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- Technically now I am invincible. - LAUGHTER
0:24:21 > 0:24:25- Does anyone know why it is? I don't know why.- Because there's no nerve endings there.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- BELL CHIMES - There's no nerve endings there, David. That's it.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31APPLAUSE
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Laura McKibbin. Where are you, Laura, and what's your question?
0:24:35 > 0:24:40- What if we were nocturnal? - What if we were nocturnal? That's it, is it? That's your question?
0:24:40 > 0:24:45- I think that is a sexy question, I like that question. - Why is that a sexy question?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Because we'd have different eyes.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- We'd have different perceptions. - Oh, that is sexy!
0:24:51 > 0:24:53LAUGHTER
0:24:53 > 0:24:57- Different eyes. - We'd have big, luminous eyes like... - Oh, I'm getting really turned on.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- LAUGHTER - Like possums. They're gorgeous. - Honestly...
0:25:00 > 0:25:05- Wonderful.- If I see an owl, I'm on it like a puma. LAUGHTER
0:25:05 > 0:25:09All the nocturnal creatures would take over during the day then,
0:25:09 > 0:25:14we'd have foxes driving cars and badgers working at Debenhams.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17BELL CHIMES
0:25:17 > 0:25:22- Bridie McCreesh, where are you?- Hi Rhod. What I want to know is if your face was on the back of your head...
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- Oh, God!- ..which way is forward?
0:25:25 > 0:25:30And your legs are still going to walk that way, so you'd probably have to say that was forward.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Maybe we'd start to walk on four legs or something.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37And if we wanted to see where we were going, we'd sort of do that.
0:25:37 > 0:25:43- Then our heads would be upside down. - Oh, yeah, your head would be upside down.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- Yeah, but your eyes could be there. - No, they wouldn't.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- BELL CHIMES - You bloody idiot!
0:25:49 > 0:25:55- Sarah-Jane Morgan, where are you? Hello. What's your question?- Hi, Rhod. Why are spiders getting bigger?
0:25:55 > 0:25:59Actually, what you're probably seeing is spiders from Europe
0:25:59 > 0:26:02are moving in and moving northwards.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05That was David Bowie's disappointing follow up album. LAUGHTER
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Spiders from Europe. LAUGHTER
0:26:07 > 0:26:12- I got bitten by a black widow once. - LAUGHTER
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- It was my fault for disrupting the funeral. - LAUGHTER
0:26:15 > 0:26:20- Greg, are they getting bigger, spiders?- Yes, they are getting much bigger.- Fine. That'll do.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24- Adrian Harte. Hello, Adrian, what's your question?- Hello, Rhod.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Can you be too tall for your feet?
0:26:27 > 0:26:32- Your feet are always relative to your height, unless you're a clown. - LAUGHTER
0:26:32 > 0:26:37What's the question, mate? Are you asking if I, as a six-foot-eight man, had baby's feet,
0:26:37 > 0:26:42- whether that would be abnormal? - My sister was at the podiatrists and she said,
0:26:42 > 0:26:47- "You know your problem? Your feet are too small for your height." - What problem was your sister having?
0:26:47 > 0:26:51Your sister isn't a deer, is she? LAUGHTER
0:26:51 > 0:26:56Why would a podiatrist say, "You know your problem, your feet..." What problem did she go there with?
0:26:56 > 0:26:59I think we should change the name of this show from Ask Rhod Gilbert
0:26:59 > 0:27:03- to Rhod Gilbert Aggressively Interrogates The Audience. - LAUGHTER
0:27:03 > 0:27:06APPLAUSE
0:27:06 > 0:27:09- # I'm every woman - Oh, that is out of time.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12That's about all we have time for, but just one more question
0:27:12 > 0:27:17and it is our Special Guest Asks round, so Larry, do you have a question for us?
0:27:17 > 0:27:24Yeah, in terms of our lifespan, when are we happiest?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Germaine, can you see what you can find out? What age are we happiest?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30- What age is...- Andi.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34I think when you're a baby, they seem quite content.
0:27:34 > 0:27:39It's really easy to make them smile. You just show them a bit of paper or something, or a wheel,
0:27:39 > 0:27:42and they go, "Brilliant!"
0:27:42 > 0:27:47I agree with Andi, actually, because when you're a baby or maybe when you're a toddler,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50you're experiencing the world for the first time
0:27:50 > 0:27:52so you get really excited by things.
0:27:52 > 0:27:58Like, I can remember when I was a toddler getting constantly excited by seeing a dog.
0:27:58 > 0:28:03- And I very rarely get excited by seeing dogs now. - LAUGHTER
0:28:03 > 0:28:08We do have some evidence to support this case about babies.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Take a look at this.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15BABY LAUGHS
0:28:18 > 0:28:21BABY LAUGHS
0:28:24 > 0:28:26BABY LAUGHS
0:28:28 > 0:28:31BABY LAUGHS
0:28:33 > 0:28:36APPLAUSE
0:28:36 > 0:28:40It's infectious.
0:28:40 > 0:28:44It is infectious, but is that happiness? It's not conscious... Is it happiness?
0:28:44 > 0:28:49- Well, off the top of my head, it looks pretty happy, mate. - Do you know what I mean?
0:28:49 > 0:28:54Is it consciously happy or is it just being entertained in an instinctive way?
0:28:54 > 0:28:59Maybe the brilliance of that is that he's not conscious to his happiness, he just is.
0:28:59 > 0:29:06- He is happiness.- Just one thing about that. Babies, too, can learn what reaction you expect from them
0:29:06 > 0:29:09- and they can produce it. - Are you saying that baby knows what he's doing?
0:29:09 > 0:29:15I'm saying that the child has learnt that the thing you do in this situation is you laugh.
0:29:15 > 0:29:19And everybody else laughs, too. It's not as if it's funny tearing up paper.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22Well, it depends what's being torn up there now. I mean maybe...
0:29:22 > 0:29:25LAUGHTER
0:29:25 > 0:29:29APPLAUSE
0:29:29 > 0:29:34- It was actually the Daily Mail! - You laughed at that, Germaine.
0:29:34 > 0:29:39- I'm an infant.- I thought the conventional wisdom was that you're happier when you're older.
0:29:39 > 0:29:43- What do you think, Larry? Can I ask how old you are?- I'm 64.
0:29:43 > 0:29:47- This is the best time of my life. - Is it?- Yeah.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50Germaine, what do you think personally? When are we happiest?
0:29:50 > 0:29:56- There's a lot of stress when you're a kid.- I was very bored when I was a child. I was bored shitless.
0:29:56 > 0:30:01- Were you? Why?- Well, nothing was happening, I couldn't go anywhere, I couldn't do anything.
0:30:01 > 0:30:06Erm, I went to school, I went home, I did housework, I read.
0:30:06 > 0:30:10- You're thinking of Cinderella. - LAUGHTER
0:30:12 > 0:30:19You're never happier than being on a beach, digging a hole, seeing if you can dig to Australia.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23- The contentment. You're just so easily pleased.- But there was no fun in that for Germaine.
0:30:23 > 0:30:27LAUGHTER
0:30:27 > 0:30:30It was simple pleasures when you were a kid, like peeling skin.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33Where's that gone? What happened to that?
0:30:33 > 0:30:39I can remember you used to sit on the beach and used to peel whole strips of A3 off your dad's back.
0:30:39 > 0:30:43I could literally peel off a thing that was recognisably my dad and stand it next to him.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46LAUGHTER
0:30:46 > 0:30:48- It's true!- No, you couldn't!
0:30:48 > 0:30:53You could peel an entire replica dad there, just a skin one.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56It's like a lizard, like a snake shedding its skin.
0:30:56 > 0:31:01So basically, you guys think it's babies, that you're happiest when you're a baby.
0:31:01 > 0:31:08Larry thinks it's the older age group, but I think I can find a scientific way of sorting this out.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11So how about we go to the lab?
0:31:11 > 0:31:13APPLAUSE
0:31:15 > 0:31:19Welcome to the lab, where tonight Professor Langford and I will be trying to work out
0:31:19 > 0:31:24at what age we are happiest. Will it be when we are in our old age, demonstrated by Larry Lamb,
0:31:24 > 0:31:28or will it be when we are a baby, as represented by baby Greg?
0:31:28 > 0:31:33- LAUGHTER - To help us feed you, Greg,
0:31:33 > 0:31:39- would you please welcome Andi Osho with her inexhaustible milk supply. - LAUGHTER
0:31:39 > 0:31:44- Are you happy there, Larry?- Happy as Larry.- Happy as Larry, good man. - APPLAUSE
0:31:44 > 0:31:48Let's feed baby Greg. So we have some pork and apple baby food.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51LAUGHTER
0:31:55 > 0:31:58- Is it real baby food? - It is real baby food.
0:31:58 > 0:32:02He's got a little bit dirty so it's bath time. Lloyd, get the bath out. That's it.
0:32:02 > 0:32:06Get some shampoo on that hair. That's it. Give him a good old wash.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09He's complaining again. I think he must be hungry.
0:32:09 > 0:32:16Next we need to dry him off, Lloyd, so get some talc on him. Talc him up properly, that's the way.
0:32:16 > 0:32:21- That's it. How's Larry doing? Larry, are you all right?- Happy as Larry. - LAUGHTER
0:32:21 > 0:32:27Next we take him to playgroup, where the other babies draw all over the swampy-toothed newcomer.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29LAUGHTER
0:32:29 > 0:32:36- Next up...- Agh! - Next up, Lloyd the babysitter decides to take Greg to the zoo.
0:32:36 > 0:32:41No sooner have they arrived than a gorilla escapes from his cage
0:32:41 > 0:32:46and tries to force-feed Greg a banana. Oh, no! It looks like Greg is choking on the banana.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49- I'm not choking on the banana! - Yes, you are, Greg!
0:32:49 > 0:32:54But luckily the gorilla has learnt some basic first aid...
0:32:54 > 0:32:58- LAUGHTER - ..and gives Greg the Heimlich manoeuvre.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02LAUGHTER
0:33:02 > 0:33:08- Can we have an answer, please? Quick, give us an answer.- According to the findings of a recent US study
0:33:08 > 0:33:14undertaken between three different universities, we are happiest around the age of 70.
0:33:14 > 0:33:19- 70 is our answer. Press the button! - LOUD CHORD
0:33:19 > 0:33:23- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - That's pretty much it for tonight.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25People of Britain, if you've got a question,
0:33:25 > 0:33:28you can tweet #AskRhod on Twitter.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31But for tonight, it is thanks to Larry Lamb,
0:33:31 > 0:33:36Andi Osho, Greg Davies and Lloyd Langford,
0:33:36 > 0:33:40and, of course, our authenticator, Germaine Greer!
0:33:40 > 0:33:45I'm Rhod Gilbert and you can ask me literally anything. Good night.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:33:48 > 0:33:52Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:33:52 > 0:33:56E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:33:56 > 0:33:56.