0:00:16 > 0:00:19APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:26'Tonight on Ask Rhod Gilbert, our special guests are...
0:00:26 > 0:00:28'He has more "L"s in his name than Lloyd...
0:00:32 > 0:00:34'And five-star stand-up...
0:00:36 > 0:00:38'They're here every week...
0:00:45 > 0:00:49'Ladies and gentlemen, Ask Rhod Gilbert.'
0:00:49 > 0:00:51APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Hello, welcome. My name is Rhod Gilbert.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01My job is to find the answers to the questions that keep us awake at night.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Questions such as,
0:01:02 > 0:01:05"Why is breakfast in bed considered such a luxury?"
0:01:05 > 0:01:10Having a meal in your bed is no more a treat than going to the toilet on your own sofa.
0:01:10 > 0:01:15Personally, I don't want to eat in the place where I sleep. I'm not a bear.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Houses are split into rooms for a reason.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20If they weren't, Cluedo would be a pretty pointless game.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23"We all saw who done it. It was Professor Plum
0:01:23 > 0:01:26"in the open-plan living-room area with a fold-away bed."
0:01:26 > 0:01:30I don't see what's so sexy about bits of food in the bed, anyway.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33I've never considered a dustbuster to be a sex toy.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35LAUGHTER
0:01:35 > 0:01:38I want to play Hide the Sausage, not Try and Find the Grilled Tomato.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Anyway, on with the show.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43APPLAUSE
0:01:46 > 0:01:51We need someone with credibility to help us find the answers to our questions.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55As always, we begin by asking, who is tonight's authenticator?
0:01:55 > 0:02:00She'll need all the vim and vigour she showed as a pioneer of exciting youth TV programming...
0:02:02 > 0:02:05..all the gumption it took to edit The Independent on Sunday...
0:02:09 > 0:02:15..and all the guts and determination she needed to come fourth on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.
0:02:16 > 0:02:21That's right, tonight's authenticator is super-savvy media guru, Janet Street-Porter.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23# Oh, here she comes
0:02:23 > 0:02:26# Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up
0:02:26 > 0:02:28# Whoa, here she comes
0:02:28 > 0:02:30# She's a maneater
0:02:30 > 0:02:33# Whoa, here she comes #
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Janet, thanks for coming.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39- Do I have to wear my glasses for the rest of the show?- If you want.
0:02:39 > 0:02:44It won't throw me if you take them off. I won't think, "Is she still going to be able to talk?"
0:02:44 > 0:02:48- Do you want me to wear my pants for the whole show?- Yes.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52- I'll let you into a secret. I've got on last week's pants. - Are you economising?
0:02:52 > 0:02:57We've been staying in hotels for the last four weeks and I forgot to put a wash on.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- Can I give you a tip?- I had to go back into my laundry bag.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05Get shower gel, put them in the bath and jump up and down. Imagine you're making wine.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09It's not quite like making wine - jumping up and down on your pants.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12How will you be helping us?
0:03:12 > 0:03:17I'll provide you and the panel with the information you need to answer tonight's questions.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Thank you very much. When I think we have an answer, I will do this...
0:03:20 > 0:03:22HEAVENLY CHORUS
0:03:22 > 0:03:24AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- You're looking quite tanned, Laurence.- Thank you very much.
0:03:27 > 0:03:32Is that natural? Is that because of all the manual labour you've been doing recently?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Have you been digging up roads again?
0:03:34 > 0:03:39I've been creosoting the fence and it just sort of over-sprayed.
0:03:39 > 0:03:44- You don't creosote your own fence. - No, of course I don't! Although, it's cheaper than fake tan.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Andrew, what have you learnt this week? Anything exciting?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Erm, I've just got back from doing some gigs in India.
0:03:50 > 0:03:56I tell you what I found out. Top-selling beauty product - skin-lightening cream.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Cream to make your skin paler. How racist is that?
0:03:58 > 0:04:02I thought, "I've got to give that a try!" I may have overdone it.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08I don't know what the family are going to say when I go back to Trinidad.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Let's find out who wants to know what.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Who have we got tonight?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17David... I was going to say, "I get you two mixed up."
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- That's not what I meant. - LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:22That's lovely of you.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28- You know what I mean! - He's a fine-looking man.- He is!
0:04:28 > 0:04:30- He- was- a fine-looking man.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34It looks like that photo was taken as he was being hit by a car.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39We'll show you the next one. It's tragic!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Who's next? Vladimir Putin.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Oh, David Walliams!
0:04:55 > 0:05:00Well, I was going to do a sponsored Kim Jong-il impression, but it looks like you've beaten me to it.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05APPLAUSE
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Oh, Cliff Richard!
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- Sir Cliff Richard now, isn't it? - Yes.- Am I right?
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Do you think you'll get, you know, a knighthood?
0:05:14 > 0:05:19- Don't want one.- Do you not?- No. What do I want with an honour for? I'm special, anyway.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22I don't need somebody giving me a gong!
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- All right, calm down.- Shove it!
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Would you want one, Laurence?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Yes, of course. I think, er...
0:05:29 > 0:05:33- LAUGHTER - What a foolish question!
0:05:33 > 0:05:38Ooh! It's our first round, ladies and gentlemen. A Famous Face Asks.
0:05:38 > 0:05:44Let's see who wants to know what. Oh, it's Robin Gibb of the Bee Gees. What would he like to know?
0:05:44 > 0:05:49Hi, Rhod. As I'm sure you know, not only am I an international popstar,
0:05:49 > 0:05:51and I wouldn't have it any other way,
0:05:51 > 0:05:55but I was also the first man to set foot on the moon.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58So what I want to know is,
0:05:58 > 0:06:02how many times a day does the average person lie?
0:06:02 > 0:06:06How many times does the average person lie?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- Are you a liar? - I'm genetically programmed to lie.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- I inherited it from - - As a woman, you mean?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13No! AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:06:13 > 0:06:18I think that was a sad, sad thing that I'll just ignore that.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I'm programmed to lie because both my parents were liars.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25They told me they were married, and I discovered they weren't
0:06:25 > 0:06:27and I was born out of wedlock.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30You bastard!
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- Are you a liar, Laurence? - When you get that difficult moment
0:06:35 > 0:06:39when your beloved wife asks you if her bottom looks big in something,
0:06:39 > 0:06:42that is not when you tell the truth.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Has she got a fat arse, your missus?
0:06:46 > 0:06:52- I told my niece recently that the picture she'd done of me was really good.- There we are.
0:06:52 > 0:06:57It was absolutely rubbish! Absolutely rubbish. It could've been a lorry.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02- I can understand that! - But, to be fair, you are quite...
0:07:02 > 0:07:05My nephew was asking me about the Tooth Fairy,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08and I said there's also the Finger Fairy.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11If you sleep with your hand under the pillow,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14it'll take one of your fingers.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- Why did you tell him that? - Just to amuse myself.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24- Did it work? - Yes, he hasn't slept since.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Let's have a fact, please, Janet, about lying.
0:07:29 > 0:07:35The top lie for a man is, "I didn't have that much to drink."
0:07:35 > 0:07:37The top lie for a woman is,
0:07:37 > 0:07:40"Nothing's wrong, I'm fine."
0:07:41 > 0:07:45See, that's not even a lie! A lie is meant to deceive.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49- Women aren't trying to deceive, they're trying to lure you in. - They're sending a message.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52That's a statement. For goodness sake!
0:07:52 > 0:07:54They're not lying. That's not a woman's lie.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Women lie every time they put on makeup.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- That is an interesting one. - You're not getting away with that!
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Wonderbras, that's a lie. Makeup, wigs... It's all lies.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08They have those man things now you can get
0:08:08 > 0:08:11that hold all your moobs in and pull up your bits.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Can you, Greg?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Have you got another fact for us?
0:08:20 > 0:08:25"Fact - your nose swells up like Pinocchio when you lie.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29"Erectile tissues in your nose fill up with blood.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34"This is why some people scratch their noses when they're lying."
0:08:34 > 0:08:40- That is a tell. That is a leak, a tell, a physical leak.- Yes.
0:08:40 > 0:08:45I've never seen it particularly swell. Have you noticed that?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47You've seen it physically get bigger, Lloyd?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50No, I agree with Janet.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54If you think of famous liars, a lot of them have big noses.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Like, erm... Like she said, Pinocchio. Er...
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- Yes, and all those other famous liars!- Wait!
0:09:01 > 0:09:05- Barry Manilow. - How is Barry Manilow a liar?
0:09:05 > 0:09:09One of his songs is called "I Write the Songs"
0:09:09 > 0:09:13and it was written by a guy called Bruce Johnston.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16D'you know like with lying generally,
0:09:16 > 0:09:18if I said to you,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20- "Would you take a million quid -" - Yes.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22- "..a one-off fee..."- Definitely.
0:09:22 > 0:09:27"..a one-off fee of £1 million if you could never lie again",
0:09:27 > 0:09:30and there was some kind of sign, so if you lied,
0:09:30 > 0:09:34a buzzer would go off and your nose would flash, would you take it?
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- A one-off fee, Laurence, never to lie again.- Goodness, no.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43Lying's far too much fun. It would have to be a lot more than £1 million.
0:09:43 > 0:09:48I'm not sure if this is a reflection of your attitude to lying or just how much money you've got.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50It could go either way.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- Andrew, would you?- Yes.- Would you? - £1 million is quite useful.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57But you'd have this thing on your head, flashing every time you told a lie.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Do you know what I would do with the million? I'd buy a hat.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03LAUGHTER
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Let's have another fact.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09"Modern technology can make it harder to lie.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12"One woman caught her husband cheating on her
0:10:12 > 0:10:18"when she saw his car parked outside her friend's house on Google Street View
0:10:18 > 0:10:21"when he was supposed to be away on business."
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- Do you worry about CCTV and Google Earth?- I hate it.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26I don't worry about it.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30If you haven't got anything to hide, you've nothing to worry about.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33It's interesting you say that, because we've got a picture of you
0:10:33 > 0:10:37somewhere where I'm not sure you were supposed to be.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39LAUGHTER
0:10:39 > 0:10:43That was you coming out of, clearly, the ladies' toilet.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Anyone could do that. It's a simple, honest mistake.
0:10:47 > 0:10:52- Anyone else done that?- I'd probably hold it in rather than use a ladies,
0:10:52 > 0:10:55but I have used disabled toilets if the men's are out of order.
0:10:55 > 0:11:01I used it in a service station. I came out and the man working there was stood waiting for me.
0:11:01 > 0:11:06He said, "Those toilets are for the disabled." I said, "I am." He said, "What's your disability?"
0:11:06 > 0:11:10He said, "I have extremely poor hand-eye coordination."
0:11:10 > 0:11:16"That's not a disability." I said, "Tell me that after you've seen how much piss I've left on the floor."
0:11:21 > 0:11:25You're saying, Lloyd, that that was just an error, was it?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- An honest mistake. - Really? Let's have a look.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Oh!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34And again.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39- I don't know what you're laughing at, Greg.- What?!
0:11:39 > 0:11:42That's a Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- I'm entitled to have a little lunch. - You are.
0:11:45 > 0:11:4812.21. Back in.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51And then he comes out. 12.35.
0:11:51 > 0:11:5312.44.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01You can't get away with anything!
0:12:01 > 0:12:05I read somewhere that you lied to one of your husbands
0:12:05 > 0:12:08and then ended up locked in the boot of somebody's car.
0:12:08 > 0:12:13It was shocking! It was husband number...three.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I was making a TV show up in Carlisle
0:12:16 > 0:12:20and I said I couldn't come home for the weekend because I was working,
0:12:20 > 0:12:22and then I secretly flew down to London to...
0:12:22 > 0:12:26I was having a dirty weekend with a rock guitarist.
0:12:26 > 0:12:32We went somewhere for dinner. I walked in and there was my husband sitting in the restaurant.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35And that's when I turned and ran and got in the car boot.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39- Why did you get in the boot? - I panicked!
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Look at me! I'm over six foot.
0:12:40 > 0:12:46I couldn't stand on a street corner and pretend I was a lamppost, could I?!
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Ever been caught lying, Lloyd?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- I've been caught out.- Have you?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53When I was young, I went round my next-door neighbour's
0:12:53 > 0:12:58and he had a collection of Star Wars figures I was very envious of.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01And he went to leave the room to use the toilet,
0:13:01 > 0:13:07I tucked my trousers into my socks and filled my trousers with his Star Wars toys.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12- How did you get caught out? - I had a bloody Millennium Falcon down the back of my pants!
0:13:12 > 0:13:15It was about this big!
0:13:16 > 0:13:21Janet, are we any closer to getting any answer on how many times a day we lie?
0:13:21 > 0:13:26According to Bella DePaulo, a social psychologist from the University of California,
0:13:26 > 0:13:30"People lie once or twice a day
0:13:30 > 0:13:35"or in one out of about every three conversations
0:13:35 > 0:13:37"that last ten minutes or longer."
0:13:37 > 0:13:41- I will take that as an answer. - HEAVENLY CHORUS
0:13:44 > 0:13:48So, Robin, you asked how many times a day does the average person lie
0:13:48 > 0:13:50and the answer is one or two times a day.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53The bigger the lie, the more believable it is.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57At least, that's what The Saturdays told me, Greg and Lloyd in bed this morning.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01I'm going to give that round to Andrew.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Next up, it's my quick-fire round, The Audience Asks.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13I'll try and get through as many questions as I can before we hear this noise...
0:14:13 > 0:14:16JANET: "Get on with it!"
0:14:16 > 0:14:19You don't get the answer button. There's no time for that.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23- You just get this bell. - "DING" RESONATES
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Who have we got first? Julie Sloan. Where are you, Julie? Hello.
0:14:30 > 0:14:35- What's your question? - If you could be any animal for a day, what would you be?
0:14:35 > 0:14:40I'd be a zebra and I'd keep rolling myself over the self-service checkout.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44BELL DINGS
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Maeve Doherty. Where's Maeve Doherty?
0:14:48 > 0:14:49- Hello.- Hiya.
0:14:49 > 0:14:54- What's your question?- Why is it necessary to nail down a coffin lid?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56- In case they drop the coffin? - I think so.
0:14:56 > 0:15:01If you drop the coffin, you don't want to see your relative go, "Buuuh!"
0:15:02 > 0:15:06Maybe it's because dead people are buried with jewellery
0:15:06 > 0:15:09and they're worried someone will break in and take it.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13If you've gone as far as digging them up and getting the coffin out,
0:15:13 > 0:15:17you're not going to go, "There's a couple of nails in that."
0:15:19 > 0:15:21APPLAUSE
0:15:24 > 0:15:30I think the answer is Greg's thing, to stop the body falling out.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36- George Barnes. Where's George? Right up at the back. Hello.- Hello.
0:15:36 > 0:15:41- What's your question? - Do Spanish people get sick when they drink their own water?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Have you got a story to tell?
0:15:43 > 0:15:48- What happened to you when you drank the water? - You don't want to know. Seriously!
0:15:48 > 0:15:52He was 40 stone before he went to Spain.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55The water in Spain is perfectly drinkable, isn't it?
0:15:55 > 0:15:59- You have to drink bottled water. - Not in public toilets!
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- What happened? - Well, I was desperate for a drink,
0:16:02 > 0:16:06- so I just went into a public toilet and...- Stuck your head down the pan?
0:16:06 > 0:16:10..filled the sink up and went at it like a dog.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Never a good sentence in any context, that!
0:16:16 > 0:16:18You lapped it?
0:16:18 > 0:16:22I've got a big head, so I couldn't fit under the tap.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26- And you lapped it like a dog? - Next time you're in a public toilet,
0:16:26 > 0:16:31rather than filling up a revolting sink and going at it like a dog,
0:16:31 > 0:16:33why didn't you just do this...
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Or are your hands too big to get in there, as well?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Sit down!
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Who is next?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Oh! Maureen Breen!
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Where are you, Maureen Breen?
0:16:49 > 0:16:55- What would you like to know? - Why do you say "cheese" when getting your photo taken?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58You could actually...
0:16:58 > 0:17:03It's because when you say "cheese", your face makes the look of a smile.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- It is.- You can say any word with a double "E" in it,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08so Maureen Breen would be perfect.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- BELL DINGS - Very true! "Maureen Breen"!
0:17:11 > 0:17:14That is true. "Maureen Breen"!
0:17:15 > 0:17:20Er, Tracey Bell. Where are you? Hello, Tracey.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24I would like to know, how hard would it be to eat
0:17:24 > 0:17:28if God had put your mouth above your eyes?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Do you really want to know that, Tracey?
0:17:34 > 0:17:39I tell you what would be really hard, it would be hard to do the train thing on kids.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41"Here comes the train. Open wide!"
0:17:41 > 0:17:45You'd have to go, "It's turned into a helicopter!"
0:17:45 > 0:17:50If you were in a Chinese restaurant and you weren't very good at using chopsticks...
0:17:50 > 0:17:55- It wouldn't be any different. - You'd take a bloody eye out!
0:17:55 > 0:17:59- BELL DINGS - It'd be difficult with chopsticks.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Marie O'Brien, what's your question?
0:18:01 > 0:18:07Since we own some of the banks, should we decide which uniforms the staff should wear?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Why do you want to choose what they wear?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- It's our chance to get some revenge on them.- Revenge!
0:18:12 > 0:18:15We want them to pay up, don't we?
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Yes, but if you can have a laugh at them, as well, it's a bonus.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- You want to see them wear comedy outfits?- Yes.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25When you're asking for a mortgage and you've got a guy with a shoe on his head?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- Would that make you happy? - "The Bank of Shoe".
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Are you labouring under the misapprehension
0:18:31 > 0:18:36the whole banking crisis was brought on by the bloke behind the desk in HSBC?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- Yes, I think it's a good idea... - "Get on with it!"
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Ohh!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43That sound meant that we are out of time.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I'm going to award that round to...
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- ..Greg, because I thought he did very well.- Eh?
0:18:51 > 0:18:55So the Queen. We've never had a question from the Queen before.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- It's quite exciting.- Try it.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Well, I did know that because I got a copy of it
0:19:06 > 0:19:09from my good friend Rupert Murdoch.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13I've got a copy of your email here. It says,
0:19:13 > 0:19:19"Dear Philip, the Indian Ambassador is coming to dinner tomorrow, so best take your pictures down."
0:19:19 > 0:19:25Brucie, Brucie, Brucie... I'm going to pass Brucie over for Wonder Woman.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32Well, Wonder Woman, I have, but I think you're getting on a bit now.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I enjoyed watching you take on evil in the '70s,
0:19:35 > 0:19:39but I don't want to spend two hours watching you fight the menopause.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42APPLAUSE
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I went to Elton John's 50th as Wonder Woman.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52I had that whole outfit, with the little whippy thing, the big double wig.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56But I hadn't realised it was just a pair of pants, basically.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58What was Elton's 50th like? I never mix in these circles.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02I wore these big platform soles, so I was taller even, about six-eight,
0:20:02 > 0:20:08and all the men that I danced with were at crotch level. It was an unfortunate evening.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12You should've told them to stand up.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16Oh, look, it's our next round, The World Asks.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Let's see who wants to know what.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22It's an Antarctic researcher. What would they like to know?
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Hi, Rhod. Down here in Antarctica, we hear lots of unusual sounds,
0:20:28 > 0:20:33which made me wonder, what's the most annoying noise?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40I'd be well annoyed if I'd just lost my balloon.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44They've just been on their own too long.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46They've been stuck there for a couple of years,
0:20:46 > 0:20:51they've heard a camera's coming, and he says, "I'll do the speaking" and his mate's gone,
0:20:51 > 0:20:53"I'll let go of a balloon in the background!
0:20:53 > 0:20:58"It'll be mental! It'll be mental!"
0:20:58 > 0:21:03Can you see what you can find out, Janet, about the most annoying noise?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06OK. What's this? Hang on!
0:21:06 > 0:21:11It turns out that a poll by Sky Talk in 2007
0:21:11 > 0:21:17voted the most annoying celebrity voice...
0:21:17 > 0:21:19..as me! LAUGHTER
0:21:19 > 0:21:23Second was Ruby Wax and then David Beckham.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25How dare they? No taste.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Do you feel quite... Do you like it when that happens?
0:21:28 > 0:21:33I can't hear my own voice, can I? It comes out of my head and it's out there!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Can you hear your voice? - I can hear my voice, yes.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I don't know what my voice sounds like.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Start talking and then go like that...
0:21:40 > 0:21:43What do you find annoying, Greg?
0:21:43 > 0:21:47The obvious thing, a baby's laugh... A baby's laugh?!
0:21:47 > 0:21:49LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:21:50 > 0:21:54The sound of a baby enjoying itself!
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- It grates on all of us! - I hate their cry, though.
0:21:57 > 0:22:02I've got two nieces, and they're lovely, but it's such an awful noise.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05I'd do anything to shut them up when they start.
0:22:05 > 0:22:11What you want to do is sellotape one of those party streamers to their mouth,
0:22:11 > 0:22:16so every time they cry, it goes, "Buh-buh!
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Do you not think that would be more annoying?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23It's a bit of a party atmosphere.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Andrew, what noise do you find irritating?
0:22:25 > 0:22:30It's all context, isn't it? Any noise, if I'm trying to sleep.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Like, if I'm on a long-haul flight,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36I can never sleep and I resent people who can
0:22:36 > 0:22:39to the extent that I'll wait three hours into the journey,
0:22:39 > 0:22:43once everyone's had something to eat, they're having a sleep,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45and I'll duck down and make this noise...
0:22:45 > 0:22:47HE SCREECHES
0:22:47 > 0:22:50All the babies on the plane hear me and they join in.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54When I was a kid,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57I developed the most annoying noise of all time.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01I used to do trials with my sister to see how long she could stand it.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- What was it? - I have to do it up close.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- All right.- Let him. - You can do it to me if you want.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10- I bet you won't last for five seconds.- I bet I will. - Put a clock on this.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13- Look straight ahead. - I haven't got a clock.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Look straight ahead. Straight ahead.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18HE MUMBLES
0:23:18 > 0:23:21It's not the noise!
0:23:21 > 0:23:23It's not the noise!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27What do you find the most annoying noise?
0:23:27 > 0:23:32- I hate when you go on the quiet coach on the train and people start talking.- Yes.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36I do this thing now, while they're on their phone, I go up and go,
0:23:36 > 0:23:40"It's the quiet coach! Q-U-I-E-T!"
0:23:40 > 0:23:44While we're on the subject, when you're on Virgin trains, was is this noise...?
0:23:44 > 0:23:48"Muh-mep! Muh-mep! Muh-mep!"
0:23:48 > 0:23:52Randomly, every 12 minutes, "Muh-mep!"
0:23:52 > 0:23:56I'm just falling off... Yeah, Branson, I'm coming for you!
0:23:56 > 0:23:59I'm just falling asleep. "Muh-mep! Muh-mep!"
0:23:59 > 0:24:03I asked a guard once. I said, "What's that noise for?" He went...
0:24:03 > 0:24:08What about the noise that, by law, they have to have on all vehicles when reversing?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11It goes, "Vehicle reversing! Vehicle reversing!"
0:24:11 > 0:24:16- "Muh-mep!- Like you can't spot a lorry about to run you down!
0:24:16 > 0:24:19You say that, but David Dickinson would've enjoyed it.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- Let's have another fact.- OK.
0:24:21 > 0:24:28Bagpipes are the Marmite of the music world, so here's an unusual take on them. Check this out.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30HE PLAYS TRADITIONAL TUNE
0:24:39 > 0:24:44It's all been downhill for Bob Hoskins since the BT adverts.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47That is a goat bagpipe.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51- Is it dead? - ALL TALK AT ONCE
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Stop it!
0:24:52 > 0:24:56What, you think the bloody goat's still alive?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- It could be alive, couldn't it? - How could it be alive?
0:24:59 > 0:25:03My wife can play a spaniel just like that.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- So to speak!- So to speak.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07- The spaniel comes to no harm. - She plays the spaniel!
0:25:07 > 0:25:11- Blows down the nose. It's all terribly amusing. - Down the nose!- Exactly.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15She turned him round pretty quickly when you came in the room!
0:25:15 > 0:25:18- How dare you! - APPLAUSE
0:25:20 > 0:25:24- Are we any closer to an answer? - I've got an answer.- Go on.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28According to Environmental Protection UK,
0:25:28 > 0:25:31the noise from neighbours is the most annoying.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35- That's the thing that most people in Britain find annoying. - Noisy neighbours.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- I will take that as an answer. - HEAVENLY CHORUS
0:25:43 > 0:25:48Antarctic researcher asked, "what's the most annoying noise?" The answer is noisy neighbours.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52I think one of the most disturbing noises is when you overhear animals making love.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Lloyd used to be kept up all night by a couple of foxes having sex,
0:25:56 > 0:25:59until I cut his broadband off.
0:25:59 > 0:26:04I'm going to award that round to... Lloyd.
0:26:07 > 0:26:12We've got through nearly all our questions, but we have time for one more,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15which is Our Special Guest Asks round.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Laurence, do you have a question for us?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19I'd like to know, it's reasonably topical,
0:26:19 > 0:26:23what is the easiest Olympic event to win a medal in?
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- Can you see what you can find out for us, Janet?- Yes.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30- What would you do, Greg? - Any kind of winter sport, really.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Anything that involves going down a hill without doing anything whatsoever.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38- The luge? - The luge springs to mind with me.
0:26:38 > 0:26:44- You could literally put a walrus on a luge and push him down.- Yes. - And he'd probably do quite well.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47- I've got some film of bobsleighs. - Yes.
0:26:47 > 0:26:52The bobsleigh looks like a dangerous sport in more ways than one, so check this out.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54GERMAN COMMENTARY
0:27:09 > 0:27:11- It's quite erotic, isn't it? - They're British!
0:27:11 > 0:27:14- It actually is a bit.- It is!
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- You know what that German commentary is?- What?
0:27:16 > 0:27:20"I went into their dressing room and I unpicked her costume.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24"Hopefully, I'm going to get to see a nice big, ripe ass."
0:27:24 > 0:27:26"Let's see if we can reap the reward!"
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Where did that happen?
0:27:28 > 0:27:30- Er...- On a mountain.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33I imagine it was the Winter Olympic in Split!
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- LAUGHTER - Well done!
0:27:36 > 0:27:41- I'm surprised she's wearing a thong. - I'm surprised she was! - Was she worried about her VPL?
0:27:41 > 0:27:46I don't know why I'm surprised. I suppose you want to carry as little weight as possible.
0:27:46 > 0:27:52- Either that or -- Suddenly you're an expert on women's underwear! This is fascinating!
0:27:52 > 0:27:57- Are you surprised?- Do you think women choose their underwear on the basis of what it weighs?
0:27:57 > 0:28:01- The thong isn't - - I don't like thongs. - If I said, "What is she wearing?"
0:28:01 > 0:28:03you wouldn't go for "thong".
0:28:03 > 0:28:07Has she got a peephole bra at the top? I doubt it.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Andrew, what would you think you've got a best shot in?
0:28:10 > 0:28:15Probably the trampoline. Not because I think I would have any chance,
0:28:15 > 0:28:19just because if you've got to spend eight months doing something,
0:28:19 > 0:28:22jumping up and down is quite fun.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24How hard can a high jump be?
0:28:24 > 0:28:27This lady gives it a try. Let's take a look.
0:28:36 > 0:28:37Oh!
0:28:37 > 0:28:41Oh, no! LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:28:42 > 0:28:45- That's terrible.- That is terrible.
0:28:45 > 0:28:49To be fair, she could've taken her sunglasses off!
0:28:49 > 0:28:51- That was why she didn't see it! - That's awesome.
0:28:51 > 0:28:56That was a textbook high jump. She just went too early.
0:28:56 > 0:29:01- Janet, do you have a fact for us? - This picture is of the bizarre sport of chess boxing,
0:29:01 > 0:29:04which is a bit like the ultimate test of brains and brawn.
0:29:04 > 0:29:08The winner will either beat his opponent by checkmate
0:29:08 > 0:29:10or knockout.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13- So they box and play chess.- OK.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15I think it's quite a good idea, combining sports.
0:29:15 > 0:29:20I have, just to finish the show, I've come up with a combined sport myself.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22- Have you, Rhod?- I have.
0:29:22 > 0:29:26Normally, we go to the lab, but this week,
0:29:26 > 0:29:30we are going to the ring.
0:29:34 > 0:29:38Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the main event!
0:29:38 > 0:29:44It's fight night! It's the one they're calling the Feudio in the Studio,
0:29:44 > 0:29:48that Brawl To End Them All, the Clash of the Tit Ends!
0:29:48 > 0:29:50In the red corner,
0:29:50 > 0:29:53after breaking four sets of industrial scales,
0:29:53 > 0:29:58his weight's finally estimated at 900 pounds,
0:29:58 > 0:30:02taking time out from fighting a losing battle against cholesterol,
0:30:02 > 0:30:09a mad, bad Goliath, with no bottom, it's the Dark Destroyer of Buffets,
0:30:09 > 0:30:13Greg Davies!
0:30:14 > 0:30:20And in the blue corner, weighing in at 165 pounds,
0:30:20 > 0:30:23from South Wales, the frozen-faced assassin,
0:30:23 > 0:30:26he's the third-prettiest woman in Port Talbot,
0:30:26 > 0:30:31Lloyd 'Ladyboy' Langford!
0:30:31 > 0:30:35Ladies and gentlemen... Take the mic away and I will explain the rules
0:30:35 > 0:30:38of the innovative sport you're about to see.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41Think Gladiators meets The Only Way is Essex.
0:30:41 > 0:30:45It's a combination of wrestling and male grooming.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48Competitors must use one hand behind your back
0:30:48 > 0:30:52and you have to remove as many hot-wax strips as you can from your opponent.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55- Lloyd 'Ladyboy' Langford, are you ready?- Yes.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58- Greg 'The Destroyer of Buffets', are you ready?- I'm so ready.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00Ring the bell! And we're off.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02Round one.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06GREG SCREAMS
0:31:08 > 0:31:12- They're lively! - Go for the red! Get the red!
0:31:14 > 0:31:18Stick it in the bucket. The old look-away-and-grab from Ladyboy.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20SCREECHING
0:31:20 > 0:31:22Get in, Langford!
0:31:22 > 0:31:24Oh!
0:31:27 > 0:31:28- WHISTLE - Penalty.
0:31:28 > 0:31:33Penalty against Lloyd for trying to pull Greg's leotard off. Please raise your arm.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36ALL: Ooh!
0:31:36 > 0:31:39You get to do it in a minute.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42- Hold your arm up, Lloyd. - GROANING
0:31:42 > 0:31:44- Go.- Quickly.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47Never cross me, Langford!
0:31:47 > 0:31:49GREG SCREAMS
0:31:49 > 0:31:51Oh!
0:31:53 > 0:31:56And waxle!
0:31:56 > 0:31:58What's this?!
0:31:58 > 0:32:01LAUGHTER
0:32:01 > 0:32:03Awesome from the Ladyboy!
0:32:07 > 0:32:10Lloyd's been training for this!
0:32:10 > 0:32:12I was only told about it this afternoon!
0:32:12 > 0:32:14Oh!
0:32:15 > 0:32:18LLOYD SCREECHES
0:32:22 > 0:32:24Get them in the bucket.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26RHOD BHLOWS WHISTLE
0:32:26 > 0:32:29Ring the bell! That is it!
0:32:30 > 0:32:34- How many for Greg 'the Destroyer of Buffets'?- Eight.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37- Laurence, how many for Lloyd 'Ladyboy' Langford?- Five.
0:32:37 > 0:32:41The winner is Greg 'the Dark Destroyer of Buffets'!
0:32:41 > 0:32:45- CHEERING - Let's have you in for a photoshoot.
0:32:45 > 0:32:49I'll go in the middle. You two kneel. Here's the trophy.
0:32:49 > 0:32:53Could everybody get a hand on the cup, please?
0:32:53 > 0:32:59Ladies and gentlemen, the inaugural champion, Greg Davies, 'the Dark Destroyer of Buffets'!
0:33:09 > 0:33:13What a short-lived victory that turned out to be!
0:33:13 > 0:33:16Janet, do you have an answer on what is the easiest Olympic event to win?
0:33:16 > 0:33:20OK, according to leading sport scientist, Dr Peter Davis,
0:33:20 > 0:33:22although there are no easy Olympic sports,
0:33:22 > 0:33:26the easy one to win a medal in is shooting.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29His research took into account numerous athletic factors,
0:33:29 > 0:33:34such as endurance, speed and physical durability.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37I will take that as an answer.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40- HEAVENLY CHORUS - Thank you.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43That's pretty much it for tonight.
0:33:43 > 0:33:47People of Britain, if you've got a question, tweet...
0:33:47 > 0:33:49Thanks to Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen,
0:33:49 > 0:33:55Andrew Lawrence, Greg Davies and Lloyd Langford!
0:33:55 > 0:33:58And, of course, our authenticator, Janet Street-Porter!
0:33:58 > 0:34:02I'm Rhod Gilbert, you can ask me literally anything. Goodnight.
0:34:04 > 0:34:08Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:34:08 > 0:34:12E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk