0:00:02 > 0:00:11This programme contains some strong language
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Hello and welcome to a very special edition of Backchat.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28We've got a stocking-load of guests on the show tonight and,
0:00:28 > 0:00:30as always, we are joined by the lump of coal at the bottom,
0:00:30 > 0:00:33the man who makes Scrooge look positively jolly,
0:00:33 > 0:00:36the ghost of Christmas past, my father, Michael Whitehall.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39APPLAUSE
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Do you like...? Do you like the festive additions to the set?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Do you like my big balls?
0:00:50 > 0:00:54I think those balls are absolutely ludicrous.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55They're nice!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- They're far, far too big. - So they show up on...
0:00:58 > 0:01:00They remind me of my balls after...
0:01:00 > 0:01:04After you were born. For six months after you were born.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- I mean, your mother was just exhausted...- Right, OK.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Thank you. That's a lovely way to start the show,
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- talking about your... Oh! - You know...
0:01:13 > 0:01:15I hope they weren't that glittery...
0:01:15 > 0:01:19or red. OK. Yes, tonight is Backschat...
0:01:19 > 0:01:20I can't even say Backchat now
0:01:20 > 0:01:24cos that's all I'm thinking of is my dad's scrot'. OK, right.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28Yes, tonight is Backchat's seasonal winter festival show,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31and so we've got all manner of goodies lined up to make this
0:01:31 > 0:01:33the perfect seasonal winter festival.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34What is this seasonal what?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Seasonal winter festival special, that's what this evening is.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41- It's not. It's a Christmas special. - No, it's not, because Christmas is..
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- It is... - ..and we are open to all religions..
0:01:43 > 0:01:45We are Christians. Father Christmas.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47It's Christmas. Bethlehem, Jesus, you know.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48We are just saying that
0:01:48 > 0:01:51we are inclusive to people of all faiths and all creeds.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Those of you that are celebrating Hanukah, Diwali
0:01:54 > 0:01:58and the African holiday of Kwanzaa, you are all welcome.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00And my father is welcoming you as well.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03I think actually this would be a great opportunity for you to
0:02:03 > 0:02:05wish all the people at home that are celebrating the African
0:02:05 > 0:02:09holiday of Kwanzaa a Merry Kwanzaa.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14So this show's going out in Africa, is it?
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Look down your camera and say "Happy Kwanzaa" to the
0:02:17 > 0:02:19nice people at home from Africa.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Happy Wangsar for everybody...
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Kwanzaa. And also they're in Africa,
0:02:24 > 0:02:27so you should probably do it in Nigerian.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- No?- I think I've done it.- OK.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Don't get your knickers in a twist though,
0:02:33 > 0:02:36because later on in the show I have organised something
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- quite traditional for you.- Yeah.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- You know my show Bad Education? - Vaguely.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- Well, all the kids from my class... - Yeah.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46..are going to be singing tonight in a choir and I've got them
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- to sing a traditional Christmas carol for you, so...- Very nice.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51..that is at least something you can be looking forward to.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I love Christmas. It's all about the tree,
0:02:53 > 0:02:58the smell of mulled wine, my father being casually racist by the fire.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02It's all about the TV adverts at Christmas now.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04The John Lewis advert this year
0:03:04 > 0:03:07depicts a hare waking a big sleepy bear from hibernation
0:03:07 > 0:03:09just in time for Christmas.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13Ah, sweet. Although, as a keen amateur zoologist, I can't help
0:03:13 > 0:03:15but find that advert a little misleading.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Were you to actually wake a brown bear midway
0:03:17 > 0:03:21through its hibernation, the script would probably be more like this.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22ADVERT'S MUSIC
0:03:22 > 0:03:27A hare frolics through a snowy glade and chances upon his friend,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29a big snoozing bear.
0:03:29 > 0:03:34He prods his pal with a gentle paw, waking him up from his slumber.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38This causes a massive trauma to the animal's metabolic recovery cycle
0:03:38 > 0:03:39and sends the bear
0:03:39 > 0:03:42into uncontrollable fits of shit-flinging rage,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45brutally ripping the hare limb from limb before
0:03:45 > 0:03:49popping its internal organs out like an Edamame bean, and then slinging
0:03:49 > 0:03:53the hairy shell onto the ground like a used condom, without a flicker of
0:03:53 > 0:03:57festive goodwill or Christmas cheer as it lacks the neural mechanisms
0:03:57 > 0:04:00to experience human emotions because it's a fucking bear.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Merry Christmas.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07APPLAUSE
0:04:10 > 0:04:13You love Christmas though, don't you, Daddy, really?
0:04:13 > 0:04:17I love Christmas a lot more than I love this ludicrous thing
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- that you've made me wear. - It looks nice. It was either...
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- It was either that or a onesie. - It's...
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Well, anyway, I won't say any more about this ludicrous outfit.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I still don't think you're looking festive enough.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31I know what might work.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37APPLAUSE
0:04:37 > 0:04:38That's better.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43You look nice.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46I just realised with those lights kind of flashing round you,
0:04:46 > 0:04:48you look a little bit like one of those women you see through
0:04:48 > 0:04:50the windows in Amsterdam.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53I wouldn't know, of course.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- You would presumably. - Only from the outside.- Hmm.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Time now to bring out some guests,
0:04:59 > 0:05:02the first of whom is a pretty incredible lady.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Baroness Trumpington of Sandwich.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- She's a friend of mine. You know the Baroness, of course.- I do, yes.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Basically, BBC Three felt the show might be feeling a little bit posh
0:05:11 > 0:05:14and a little bit old, so we decided that we would do the best thing
0:05:14 > 0:05:17and book a 92-year-old member of the House of Lords.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19She's 92. That is amazing, right?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22APPLAUSE
0:05:26 > 0:05:29The Baroness will be joined by the star of Not Going Out
0:05:29 > 0:05:31and Would I Lie To You? One of my favourite comedians, Lee Mack.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34So, ladies and gentlemen, would you please give a warm welcome to
0:05:34 > 0:05:38a couple separated at birth? It's Baroness Trumpington and Lee Mack.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Shush!
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I'm not 92. I'm 91.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Sorry!
0:05:54 > 0:05:55I'm sorry, Baroness.
0:05:55 > 0:06:00- There you go. What if me and Jack fall?- Well...
0:06:00 > 0:06:01We all go together.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06- So nice to see you. - Can I call you Baby Doll?
0:06:06 > 0:06:07You may. Please do.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08I'll be honest with you,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11as soon as we're all sat down I'll be a lot more relaxed.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Right. You've got my hand.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Right. Let the party begin.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19- Let's kick our shoes off. Let's open the gin.- Yeah!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Thank you very, very much for coming on the show.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25Before I start, I need to ask a little bit of protocol.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- How should I address you? - Lee Mack would be...
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Oh, sorry.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- The Baroness.- Me? - Yes, Baroness.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Well, you can either do Baroness Trumpington,
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Lady Trumpington or just call me Trumps.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Trumps? Amazing. OK.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42That was not the answer I was expecting,
0:06:42 > 0:06:46- but I shall call you Trumps. - Yeah, feel free.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49But, Trumps, you don't... This seems...
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- It already seems a bit weird. - What did he say?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- He thinks... It seems a bit weird calling you...- Trumps.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59- Calling you Trumps.- I know. - What about Barry?- No, I...
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Well, Barry is an abbreviation of Baroness. Does that work?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- Perfectly awful. - Oh, right then.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07No, no, no, stick to Trumps and you won't go wrong.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Lee, if you were ennobled what would you be?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- If I had had no balls?- No.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I'd be the Baron...
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Baron Wasteland.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21I've discovered he could be Baron Red Rum because he rode Red Rum.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23He did, yeah. And you're quite in...
0:07:23 > 0:07:25We had a good chat about horse racing
0:07:25 > 0:07:26till you asked us to come out here.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29We were getting on great, weren't we? Having a chat about horse...
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- Because you're quite into your horse racing, aren't you?- I loved it.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38I really loved racing, and I went to see Frankel the other day
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- and he's a hell of a horse. - ONE PERSON CLAPS
0:07:40 > 0:07:42He's been put out to stud now.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Somebody else there is keen on racing.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46It was a horse. We have Frankel. Frankel!
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Now I want to ask you about your Christmas,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52as this is a Christmas show.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Lee, what is the Lee Mack Christmas like?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Well, I'm ashamed to admit that I don't do much
0:07:58 > 0:08:01cooking in my house, so it's the once a year that I do do it.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02And for the last few years
0:08:02 > 0:08:06I have religiously stuck by Nigella Lawson's cookery book.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I have genuinely, and I always thought...
0:08:08 > 0:08:11She asks you to get the turkey and put it in a bucket of water
0:08:11 > 0:08:15and leave it in your cellar, or outside, for five days,
0:08:15 > 0:08:18and I've always thought that's a very odd thing to do, just leave a
0:08:18 > 0:08:21turkey soaking in a bucket of water, but if she says 'do it' do it.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Turns out she was just off her tits.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Baroness Trumpington, at Christmas, do you cook?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Yes.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- Is your Christmas a traditional one? - I seem to spend days stuffing.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Watch it.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41The worst Christmas I've ever spent was
0:08:41 > 0:08:47when I was Mayor of Cambridge and every day for three weeks
0:08:47 > 0:08:52Christmas meant lunch was turkey, chestnuts,
0:08:52 > 0:08:57potatoes and Brussels sprouts followed by Christmas pudding.
0:08:57 > 0:09:02Tea time was Christmas turkey, Brussels sprouts.
0:09:02 > 0:09:07Supper was Christmas turkey, Brussels sprouts, for three weeks.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10I'll tell you what, I can where you got the nickname Trumps.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11At the end...
0:09:11 > 0:09:14APPLAUSE
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Lee, what is your Christmas wish list this year?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21What are you hoping to get in your stocking?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23What am I hoping to get? I'd just...
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Good will for all men and...
0:09:26 > 0:09:27- a dildo.- Oh, my god.
0:09:29 > 0:09:34Baroness, what's on your Christmas wish list in terms of presents?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Anything with diamonds will do.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Because I thought maybe like you could get one of the E-Lite
0:09:41 > 0:09:44cigarettes because you were a smoker and you've had to stop smoking.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48I know. It's been a very difficult life, you know.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53After all, one started smoking at the age of 11.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Cigarettes for the uncle,
0:09:55 > 0:09:58my brothers and I used to say when we went to the village shop.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03But we always got the cigarettes. We then smoked them in the pig sties,
0:10:03 > 0:10:08until my brothers were sick and that gave the game away to my mother.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10So, it meant a rather bleak time
0:10:10 > 0:10:13when we had to give up cigarettes at the age of 12.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Trumps...
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Last year, you caused a bit of a stir when you...
0:10:27 > 0:10:30and you came to notoriety amongst many people for something you
0:10:30 > 0:10:33did in the House of Lords to your chum Lord King.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Could you talk us through what happened?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Well, there he was and he was being rather rude
0:10:39 > 0:10:44actually about older women, and I happened to be standing
0:10:44 > 0:10:47quite near...
0:10:47 > 0:10:50And it seemed the obvious thing to do, don't you agree?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54And so you what?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57So I gave him the V sign.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Fantastic.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Fair do's.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Maybe I should do that to you more often.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09I just take it.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Trumps, as well, this is incredible about you.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Your life and career is just fantastic.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19You were basically a spy.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20No.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25- But you were a code breaker at Bletchley Park.- Yes.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28What were Christmases like at Bletchley Park?
0:11:28 > 0:11:33Memories of Christmas during the war are very vague to me
0:11:33 > 0:11:37because it didn't make much difference. You were working.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41You know, you didn't really have much fun at that place
0:11:41 > 0:11:46because you worked and you hitchhiked to London...
0:11:46 > 0:11:49And then you danced all night
0:11:49 > 0:11:54and you never got really enough sleep, and here I am.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55Here you are.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Well, Baroness Trumpington is being very, very modest.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03We owe her a great deal of gratitude for what she did.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05A very, very brave woman.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Yeah.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Also, can I just say? You won't know this.
0:12:11 > 0:12:16Lee Mack used to be a redcoat at Butlins, so he too...
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- You know...- Could I just say...? - Thank you.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23You made a schoolboy error there,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- I appreciate...- Bluecoat. - I appreciate you are a school boy,
0:12:26 > 0:12:28but I was not a redcoat at Butlins.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31I was a bluecoat at Pontins. So of the...
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Of the three words you needed, you only got the word coat correct.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40The redcoats are Catholics, bluecoats are protestant.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Completely... Completely different thing.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44- So, yeah. No, I was... - BELLS JINGLE
0:12:44 > 0:12:46What is that? Is that...?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Could it be?
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Maybe? Is it him?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Boom! Boom! boom!
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- Oh, my God! It's Santabusi! - Merry Christmas!
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Boom, boom, boom, boom!
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- Boom! - Pull your beard down.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Hey, what's up? Boom, boom, boom, boom. What's up, Jack?
0:13:09 > 0:13:10All right.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Trumpington! Can I just...? Can I...?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- Not the lips. Not the lips.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Watch out Baroness, he's a bit of a Harry Styles Akabusi.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- Hello, Michael. - Hi, Santa.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26My buddy for a long time, for a long range.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Santabusi, thank you so much for coming.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31How are the preparations for Christmas going?
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Going fantastic, Jack.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35You want to see the presents I've got going all over the globe.
0:13:35 > 0:13:41Ho, ho, ho! Boom, boom, boom! Akabusi coming down the chimney.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Are the reindeer all fed and exercised?
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Oh, yeah. Rudolph, polished his nose, gave him a little tickle
0:13:51 > 0:13:53under the belly. I say to him "Fella, you've got to be quick
0:13:53 > 0:13:57"because you know Jack's waiting for you, son, you know what I'm saying?"
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- Yeah. - Michael.- Yeah.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Has he been a good boy or a good girl?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I'm finding it very difficult to believe you,
0:14:04 > 0:14:09genuinely believe you as Santa Claus, who you know was German.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13I mean, Santa Claus is a German. St Nicholas, he's...
0:14:13 > 0:14:15It's a German tradition.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19HE SPEAKS GERMAN
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- Ah right. - Akabusi speaks German?!
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I'm German, but I want to speak English.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Boom, boom, boom, all right!
0:14:30 > 0:14:32So now we know.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- Here is our Christmas wish list. - Okey-dokey.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Please, I hope we can have the presents that we want this year.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Okey-dokey.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42We'll maybe see you later Akabusi.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- See you later!- Santabusi! - Boom, boom, boom!
0:14:51 > 0:14:52- Boom, boom, boom.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55He's like the thinking man's Basil Brush, isn't he?
0:14:55 > 0:15:00I have to be honest, Jack, and say I'm not a huge fan of Santa Claus
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- and all that stuff. - Why? What's wrong with...?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- Because he's very German. - Why?
0:15:04 > 0:15:08I mean, the Baroness fought the war, fought to keep us...
0:15:08 > 0:15:09the Germans away, right?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Stop. It's Christmas.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14SHE SPEAKS GERMAN
0:15:14 > 0:15:17You see, she agrees.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21And, I mean, the worst thing for me are carols,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- our beautiful English carols. - Oh, God, not this again.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27And sometimes they even do those in foreign languages, which is...
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- What do you mean, foreign languages? - Well, German or...
0:15:30 > 0:15:33I'm sorry, I'm just being honest.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35It's sort of like Father...
0:15:35 > 0:15:39Fritzmas almost, the whole thing.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41OK. Let's move on with the show.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44We're now going to show you a VT that we did of me
0:15:44 > 0:15:46and my father going to a cuddling workshop.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48This was a genuine thing that we went and did.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Now every week we do one of these bonding things.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52I thought it would be nice, cos it's the Christmas episode,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55for you to introduce it rather than me always having to do it,
0:15:55 > 0:15:57so I wrote you down a little intro there on your table.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59All you have to do is read that out.
0:15:59 > 0:16:05Christmas is the season of good will to all men - sounds a bit gay.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Christmas is the season of good will to all men
0:16:08 > 0:16:10because all men are beautiful.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13What is this you've written? It's rubbish.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18I love beautiful men, especially muscley ones.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19What is this all about?
0:16:21 > 0:16:26The reason we've come here today is to partake in a cuddle workshop.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30I think, when we grew up, my father didn't give me enough hugs.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32In my day it was always a firm handshake.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36I hope it's not some sort of gay fest he's getting me into here.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39The one thing that I hope I can get out of today is just one real
0:16:39 > 0:16:42hug from my father.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46"Discover and let go of your hidden agendas around physical contact."
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- I mean, what the- BLEEP - does that mean?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- You need to change into your clothes.- What clothes?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Well, I told you, you have to wear casual stuff.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- This is. This is my lightweight suit. - That's casu..
0:16:55 > 0:16:58You don't think I normally come into London dressed like this?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01He's not going to like meeting other people.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03He's not going to like physical contact with strangers.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06He's not going to like having to talk to strangers.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09He's not going to like being in a community centre.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- What's the next stage? - At least take your shoes off.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14I'm not taking my shoes off - this is not a mosque.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17No. No.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Right, OK, so why are we all here?
0:17:21 > 0:17:22(Why indeed.)
0:17:22 > 0:17:25He's probably going to not like the woman that runs this workshop,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28because he doesn't really like women. And he certainly
0:17:28 > 0:17:32doesn't like women that try and get him to cuddle strangers.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35We are here because in some format we believe that physical touch
0:17:35 > 0:17:39is very, very important for bonding, so between children and adults
0:17:39 > 0:17:43and parents, our mission is about creating more cuddly Britain.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46OK. We're going to do a back massage.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50So, putting your thumbs into the tops of the shoulders...
0:17:50 > 0:17:51OK.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Giving as you would like to receive.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00I think the fact that my father didn't hug me enough
0:18:00 > 0:18:05as a child has affected me in a very deep and sort of scarring way.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I now have problems in my own life with intimacy
0:18:08 > 0:18:10and I sort of blame him for that.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15My father's not very good with strangers.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19He's not very good with physical contact with strangers.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25So I think it's going to be quite hard for him,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28but I think it's very important that he just lets himself go
0:18:28 > 0:18:31and just breaks through those barriers.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37I hope after this my father sort of lets go a little bit more
0:18:37 > 0:18:42and becomes a more open person, a more tolerant person,
0:18:42 > 0:18:45a more loving person and a more hugging person.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Would you like to share a hug?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Definitely not.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- No. - OK.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55I think it went really well.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57I really enjoyed it.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Shall we have a hug?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03And I think, by the end of the session,
0:19:03 > 0:19:05my dad was beginning to enjoy it as well.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- Thank you very much indeed. - Thank you.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Suddenly, all the problems that we had evaporated
0:19:16 > 0:19:19and I really felt like we bonded.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23It was the most awful experience I've ever had in my life.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26By the end he was hugging people and, you know,
0:19:26 > 0:19:28he really looked like he was enjoying it.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32It was a total waste of an afternoon as far as I was concerned.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Total waste of time.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37APPLAUSE
0:19:42 > 0:19:44I feel I want... I want a hug now.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Yeah. Did that make you feel like you want a cuddle?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49I feel like I could be hugged by your father, but the problem is
0:19:49 > 0:19:52if I do get hugged by him, the carrot that's sticking out of his...
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- might...- Exactly.- You know when you have a slow dance with a girl
0:19:55 > 0:19:58and something comes between you?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Do you feel like you'd like a cuddle, any of you?
0:20:00 > 0:20:04Would you like a cuddle? Should we cuddle or are you not interested?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06It depends on the place and who with.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- Well, I sort of meant me, like now maybe.- Well, why not?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Come on, let's do it.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- Ahhh! - Ohh!
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Time now to meet our next guests.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22He is the star of film and television
0:20:22 > 0:20:24and one of the most handsome men I've ever met.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28All of this series, my father has been desperate to book this man.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Now it's the Christmas show, I gave in, he's coming on.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35He also happens to be my godfather and my dad's best friend.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Not a year goes by when he doesn't turn up at Christmas
0:20:38 > 0:20:41with a beautiful woman on his arm. And tonight is no exception.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Please would you welcome Nigel Havers and Christine Bleakley?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54You probably knew...
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- I knew, yes.- Hello. How are you?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- Hello. - Hello.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- Lovely to see you. - Lovely to see you. Nice to see you.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- Oh, lovely to see you. - Oh, lovely to see you.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- And the Baroness. - The Baroness.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21I have to say that all my friends are going to die of jealousy.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24That's my... That's my fan base.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26- Can I just say, Nigel... Yeah.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29All of my friends couldn't give less of a shit.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Thank you very much. - Sorry. I'm only being honest.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Thank you so much for having me on the show. Be nice...
0:21:36 > 0:21:39And you are my godfather. For the people that don't believe that...
0:21:39 > 0:21:41That is not something that's been made up on Wikipedia.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- You are my genuine...- God, look, that's us at Christmas when I...
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Oh, my goodness.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- Look at those teeth. - Shut up!
0:21:51 > 0:21:55How did you fit them in your mouth? Well, you didn't obviously.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Those teeth cost me a fortune.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01I mean, they cost me even more than sending him to a private school.
0:22:01 > 0:22:06- Really?- To get those teeth to look like Nigel's.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Why is it, Jack, now as a fully grown man,
0:22:08 > 0:22:09you're dressed like a child,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12and there you're dressed as a middle aged man?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15You've completely got that the wrong way round.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Because of that!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Because that is my father and he made me
0:22:20 > 0:22:24dress like a bank manager until I had the chance to leave home,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26and then I was allowed to dress like I wanted to.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31I always insisted that he wore a tie when Nigel came to visit.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33- Now, Nige, you're...- Yeah?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35- ..you're doing panto this year? - I am doing... Yeah.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39- Why should we come and see your panto?- Good question.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42It's called Robin Hood and I am the Sheriff of Nottingham.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- Oh, fantastic. - Hence a little bit of this and...
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Also, it has a trailer.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49You know the way panto's have trailers, right?
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- This is the trailer. - I've not seen it, so I can't wait.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54The world premiere of the trailer.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56This is so intense it's amazing.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59VOICEOVER: This Christmas at the Theatre Royal, Plymouth,
0:22:59 > 0:23:02only one man can save panto dame Jeffrey Holland
0:23:02 > 0:23:07and comedy king Bobby Davro from the evil Sheriff Nigel Havers.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Lee Mead is Robin Hood.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Robin Hood, the pantomime adventure at the Theatre Royal Plymouth,
0:23:12 > 0:23:14from December 20th.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16APPLAUSE
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- Oh! - That is good.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20It looks amazing!
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I like...
0:23:23 > 0:23:25- Unbelievable. - I particularly like the voiceover.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29- The voiceover.- Mel Gibson and Nigel Havers in pantomime.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- With Bobby Davro. - Yeah.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34I like that it has that really intense style and then
0:23:34 > 0:23:36when you actually get into the action of it,
0:23:36 > 0:23:40- it does look a little bit like it might develop into a porno.- Yeah.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42It does have that porno look.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Would you ever be up for doing panto, Christine?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48I thought you were going to say porno.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Yeah, no, let's discuss.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Oh, my God!
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Nigel, that was singularly the sleaziest thing I have ever seen...
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- I'm sorry.- ..and I've never been more proud
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- to have you as my godfather. - I don't know what came over me.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07"Let's talk about this, Christine."
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Thank fuck you're not sitting next to the Baroness.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Would you ever do a pantomime?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Oh, I'd be useless. I love panto though.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16I've got to say, I love going to watch...
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Why would you be useless? You'd be brilliant.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Oh, no, my memory is useless. It's a really, really tough job.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23You don't need a memory for panto. You just need to turn up.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25No. You make it look easy.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27It's a very, very tough job as an actor, isn't it?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29It's a very tough job, yeah.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Baroness, would you ever be in a pantomime?
0:24:32 > 0:24:36I was just wondering why you have so much hair on your faces.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Have you forgotten to shave?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- It's the new style. - We're just rocking the Pax..
0:24:42 > 0:24:44I am playing the Sheriff of Nottingham,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- so I thought I'd look a bit... - Disgusting.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Yeah.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57I'll tell you, Jack, what I'm a bit worried about is
0:24:57 > 0:25:01- I know it's BBC Three and I know it's low budget...- Yeah.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05..but couldn't we have afforded a bigger sofa?
0:25:05 > 0:25:06That's what I would have...
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Did you think? Yes, I thought you felt the same way. Yes.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Well, if Santabusi comes back out as well, where's he going to sit?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15I mean, if he's going to sit on that sofa we're in big trouble.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Although, normally, the Santa, you sit down
0:25:17 > 0:25:18and then someone sits on your lap,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21so maybe he could use your chair and you could sit on his lap.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- No, thank you.- I shouldn't try that. - Just throwing it out there.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Now you're not the only person that's doing something
0:25:26 > 0:25:27exciting this Christmas.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Lee, you have got the Not Going Out Christmas Special.
0:25:30 > 0:25:35Yes, we have, and we filmed it last night and my son was in it.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Why would you do that?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Never work with any of your family.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43He's... He's nine. He's two years younger than Jack.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Yeah, Not Going Out Christmas Special,
0:25:45 > 0:25:47and he's got a little part in it, and he's not...
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Because I was worried because, you know...
0:25:50 > 0:25:52working with your own child. Because I often...
0:25:52 > 0:25:54I'm obviously a big fan of this show
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- and I see the disappointment in your eyes, Michael.- Mm, yeah.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00You don't say it, but it's etched on your face.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02This is never what I wanted of him.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Christine, what does your Christmas entail?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09What will you be doing this Christmas?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Probably, like everyone else, eating too much, drinking too much.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Big, big family do.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16I think I'll have all of my lot over in London and...
0:26:16 > 0:26:19So, it's not true. Frank does not eat all the pies.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23So he's... But he's playing this Christmas.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Yeah, they play Boxing Day, so they're all in a hotel
0:26:25 > 0:26:28on Christmas night, so they all have to behave themselves, yeah.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31We carry on partying and eating, but he has to go bye,
0:26:31 > 0:26:33- door closes and off he goes. - Oh, no.- Depressing.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Yeah, it is a little bit for all of them,
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- but, you know, they get on with it.- Just think of the money.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Yeah, don't worry about it. They're fine. They're fine, yeah.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Does he have like a sip of wine on Christmas Day?
0:26:42 > 0:26:43No, no, he's very...
0:26:43 > 0:26:46He doesn't drink at all at least two days before a game.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Third day before it's totally fine, but no... No, I'm joking.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- No, he's very good actually.- It's like me, I don't drink, you know,
0:26:52 > 0:26:55at least two hours before I go on stage.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- Yeah, but you drink heavily on stage.- Well, of course.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Of course. And you've been engaged to Frank for three years?
0:27:02 > 0:27:05- Two, two years.- Two years. Two years, sorry.- Yeah, yeah.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Look how upset Nigel is.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10I am mortified. God, you're a good looking girl.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- Nigel! Stop it! - Sorry, sorry.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- It's the drink. - Oh, amazing and so...
0:27:15 > 0:27:17- Oh, yes, lovely. - ..sound of wedding bells?
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Yes, yeah, yeah, it's all... It's all ticking along.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24Had to wait to see if England would qualify for the World Cup,
0:27:24 > 0:27:25which of course they have.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27You should have got engaged to a Scottish footballer -
0:27:27 > 0:27:29it would have been way safer.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31The guest list for the wedding, has that been all drawn up?
0:27:31 > 0:27:34- No, it hasn't actually. - Oh, it hasn't. Very interesting.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36How many people are you going to be inviting? A big one? Small?
0:27:36 > 0:27:38I'm thinking small.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40People you work with a lot and you meet...
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- Do you want to go, Jack? - I'm not...
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Did I sound like I was trying to get an invite?
0:27:45 > 0:27:46I'd love to have you there, Jack.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Please invite me. I really want to meet Frank.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50- I'd love to have you there. Yep, no problem.- OK.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Frank loves you. He did say to say "hi".
0:27:52 > 0:27:55I know. I met Frank once. I thought he was absolutely amazing.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58He's such a... You meet him and he's just so smart and so charming,
0:27:58 > 0:28:02and you're like "You're a footballer, how?"
0:28:02 > 0:28:06As a role model for Molly, my daughter, you would just be
0:28:06 > 0:28:12so brilliant because I say with Molly, "One night stands,
0:28:12 > 0:28:17"no way, none of that sort of stuff. Just have a long relationship,
0:28:17 > 0:28:21"long engagement period. You get to know one another as
0:28:21 > 0:28:23"as people, as friends and everything..."
0:28:23 > 0:28:26- You need to be sure...- "and eventually it leads to marriage."
0:28:26 > 0:28:32You would be absolutely perfect for Molly in terms of a role model.
0:28:32 > 0:28:33I take that as a huge compliment.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Apart from the fact that your husband's a footballer.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39- Well, yeah. Sorry about that. - I'm not sure.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41He has a GCSE in Latin.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Really? Oh, right.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Baroness, would you ever date a sportsman?
0:28:46 > 0:28:48I think you'd make a wonderful WAG.
0:28:49 > 0:28:53That's the first time anybody's made that proposal to me.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55- Did you ever date any sportsmen? - Did I what?
0:28:55 > 0:28:59Did you ever... Jack wants to know what you're doing a week on Friday.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03Baroness, I'd love to take you to the football some time.
0:29:03 > 0:29:04- You would? I'd love to...
0:29:04 > 0:29:06Would you like to come to a football match one day?
0:29:06 > 0:29:08- Why not? Why not?
0:29:08 > 0:29:09She wouldn't come to a Chelsea game though,
0:29:09 > 0:29:12because she's Millwall till she dies. Seriously.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14I'd like to take you racing because I was brought up...
0:29:14 > 0:29:16I had no idea they all took their teeth out
0:29:16 > 0:29:18before they played football.
0:29:22 > 0:29:23That is a lovely image.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25- Baroness, I'd like to take you racing
0:29:25 > 0:29:27because I was brought up in Newmarket.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29- Ahh. I've got Frankel written there...- Nigel, easy.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31- ..because I kept forgetting his name.- Sit, sit.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33- And I went to see Frankel last time he ran.- So did I.
0:29:33 > 0:29:36- Yes, fabulous. But you went to see him recently?- Yes, I did.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38And he was doing his business in stud...
0:29:38 > 0:29:40Yes, he was, with an Australian girl.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42Really? Fantastic. Is he doing all right?
0:29:42 > 0:29:46- Well, his first 10 foals have been sold this week, I think.- Ah...
0:29:46 > 0:29:50- This is literally the poshest conversation I've ever heard.
0:29:50 > 0:29:54Could I just butt in and go back to an earlier point you made?
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Who are these footballers who take their teeth out
0:29:56 > 0:29:57before they play football?
0:29:57 > 0:30:01- I hate to tell you, but it's Cambridge United.- Oh, right.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04They did, it's true though, they used to take them out.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06- Not so much nowadays because... - No, they take them out now.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08Well, they tend to... You know,
0:30:08 > 0:30:10they're not as tough as they used to be,
0:30:10 > 0:30:12the old footballers, so they.. Now they don't even...
0:30:12 > 0:30:14Even their hair doesn't get moved.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17Never in my life have I ever heard such language as...
0:30:17 > 0:30:19I mean, it was really quite extraordinary.
0:30:19 > 0:30:20Everything began with F.
0:30:20 > 0:30:24Oh, it's not like that now. It all begins with C nowadays.
0:30:26 > 0:30:27Blimey.
0:30:27 > 0:30:32Now, Nige, you have basically been at every event in my life.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35You're there at Christmases, at birthdays...
0:30:35 > 0:30:38You were even at...
0:30:38 > 0:30:40my birth.
0:30:40 > 0:30:41Well, funny you said that,
0:30:41 > 0:30:44because I'm actually wearing the dinner jacket
0:30:44 > 0:30:47I wore on the day you were born because I went into the hospital...
0:30:47 > 0:30:50Yeah. Why...? Cos my dad tells me this story
0:30:50 > 0:30:52- that you were there at my birth. - Yeah.- Why were you there?
0:30:52 > 0:30:56Well, I knew you were going to be born and Michael said, you know
0:30:56 > 0:30:58"Just drop in and say hi."
0:30:58 > 0:31:01So I was on my way somewhere and I walked into the hospital.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04Michael said, "Hello", and he said, "Why don't you come in?"
0:31:04 > 0:31:06- And we walked straight into the delivery room...- That's right.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08..and your mum, you know, was like this...
0:31:08 > 0:31:10Yeah, I know how people give birth, thank you.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12..and at that moment you appeared.
0:31:12 > 0:31:14You were always very close to my mum and dad.
0:31:14 > 0:31:15- Yeah, very, yeah.- OK.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18And you were there at my birth,
0:31:18 > 0:31:22and I've always felt like we don't look that similar.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24And then when I see you, I always think...
0:31:26 > 0:31:27..you know.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30Are you sure you're not my dad?
0:31:32 > 0:31:35We've got the DNA test results here.
0:31:35 > 0:31:39Can I put an end to this? Because you go on and on and on in this story...
0:31:39 > 0:31:42Come on. You can see where it comes from. I only bring it up because...
0:31:42 > 0:31:45Let me tell you about the night of your conception,
0:31:45 > 0:31:48then we won't have any more of this "are you my daddy?"
0:31:48 > 0:31:51- Let me tell you what happened.- No, no we don't want that. Let's move on.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54It was the night of the great storm, you remember that night?
0:31:54 > 0:31:56No-one wants to hear this. None of you want to hear it?
0:31:56 > 0:31:58- I want to hear it. - Shut up, Lee.- The storm, yes.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01That's right. And Michael Fish said there wasn't going to be
0:32:01 > 0:32:03- a storm, there was this huge storm...- Yeah.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06And we had some people for dinner. We had six people for dinner.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09- Was one of them Nigel? Just... - No. No, no.- I was just wondering...
0:32:09 > 0:32:11- Don't encourage him. - Sorry, carry on.
0:32:11 > 0:32:15We had six people for dinner and then they left at about midnight,
0:32:15 > 0:32:19and that's when the storm started, and there was sort of rumbling and...
0:32:19 > 0:32:23It got very, very hot that night, and it started raining
0:32:23 > 0:32:27and Hilary, that's my wife Hilary and his mother,
0:32:27 > 0:32:29we went for a walk round the block
0:32:29 > 0:32:33and then we got to the front door having had our walk, and there...
0:32:33 > 0:32:36You remember that big tree in front of the front door?
0:32:36 > 0:32:38- I wasn't born. I mean...- No. but there was a big tree and your mother
0:32:38 > 0:32:43leant against the tree, and her dress was beginning to slightly ride up...
0:32:43 > 0:32:45- Oh, my God! - ..because of the heat.
0:32:45 > 0:32:49And, of course, she's got rain on her as well and she looked very,
0:32:49 > 0:32:52you know, exciting. And I thought, just for a moment, I thought
0:32:52 > 0:32:55- "Could this be a knee trembler...?" - Oh, my god!
0:32:55 > 0:32:58- OK, I believe you. I believe you. - I put that out of my mind...
0:32:58 > 0:33:00Nigel's not my dad. Nigel's not my dad, I believe you.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03Please carry on, this is saving me £2.50 a minute.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05- She walked up the stairs... - I believe you.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08We got to the top of the stairs, which was our bedroom,
0:33:08 > 0:33:11- and she lay on the bed... - OK, shall we bring out Santabusi?
0:33:11 > 0:33:15- And she started to... Well she didn't undress exactly...- Chris, help!
0:33:15 > 0:33:21And I got so excited. I mean, so excited that I jumped the gun.
0:33:21 > 0:33:25Oh, my God! Bring him out!
0:33:25 > 0:33:31Santabusi! Oh, Jack! Oh, fella! I'm feeling for you, fella.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34Oh, Jack! Don't worry, fella, Santa's in the room.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37I've never been happier to see you in my life.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39Ho-ho-ho-ho! I've got some presents for you.
0:33:39 > 0:33:43- Oh, good.- Have you been a good boy? Have you been a good girl?
0:33:43 > 0:33:45- I think so. Oh, righty, all right.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47You've got competition, Nige.
0:33:47 > 0:33:51I've got some stuff. Oh, this is a big one for the Baroness.
0:33:51 > 0:33:52- Ohh!
0:33:52 > 0:33:54Oh, sweetheart, for you.
0:33:54 > 0:33:58- Oh, how exciting. Specially done for luck.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. Boom!
0:34:01 > 0:34:03Oh, thank you so much.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05I'm not sure, are we opening them now or are we waiting?
0:34:05 > 0:34:07No, we're opening them all now.
0:34:07 > 0:34:11Oh, it's got Christine all over this, sweetie. Boom!
0:34:11 > 0:34:12It's now also got spit all over it.
0:34:14 > 0:34:15Santabusi.
0:34:15 > 0:34:19Well, this can be the one and only, ding, ding, ding, check it out.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22- Marvellous.- Boom, boom, boom, thank you very much.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24- Thank you!- Thank you.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27Thank you! Thank you!
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Jack...
0:34:29 > 0:34:30Santabusi, come sit with me.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33You know what...?
0:34:33 > 0:34:35- You come sit on one of my balls. - My heaven, it's got a nose.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37It's so exciting, these presents. Look at this.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39OK.
0:34:39 > 0:34:41- What is that exactly? - A truss.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43- Oh, wait. No, that's a mix up. - Oh, is it?
0:34:43 > 0:34:44No, because the snorkel...
0:34:44 > 0:34:47The scuba diving material wasn't for Baroness Trumpington.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49Oh, sorry, you've got the wrong present.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51That was for Christine, because I thought maybe
0:34:51 > 0:34:52if you were going on honeymoon.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55- This wasn't my present? - No, there's a mix up.
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Baroness, I think... I think this was meant to be for you.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00- Yours is the hot water bottle and... - That's for your feet.
0:35:00 > 0:35:01Lee, what have you got?
0:35:01 > 0:35:04I've got just what I always wanted, I've got the
0:35:04 > 0:35:09Success Comes in Cans: Learning lessons for life with Chris Akabusi.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13It's my favourite book ever.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17- I want my bottle back. - Oh, sorry.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19Seriously, that book is amazing.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22When I was on tour and I got lonely, I used to read that every night
0:35:22 > 0:35:24and it reminded me that even if no-one else
0:35:24 > 0:35:26in the world loved me, Chris did.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28Here's a good bit of advice.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31- You miss 100% of the shots you don't take...- That's true.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33..which reminds me of the story you just told us about the...
0:35:33 > 0:35:36No! Lee! Leave it.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40Right, I'm going to do my presents now.
0:35:40 > 0:35:42What have you bought?
0:35:42 > 0:35:44Oh, wow. - Goodness.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47Oh, look at those. Here we go.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50- One for you. - Thank you.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53- One for you. - Thank you very much.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55- One for you. - They all feel very similar.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58- Thanks very much, thank you.- Give one to... Give one to Santabusi.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00Oh, yes, one for Santa.
0:36:02 > 0:36:05- I do like, yes.- Can we open them? - Yes, please open them.
0:36:05 > 0:36:06Oh, wow.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09This is excellent. This is not a Chris Akabusi book.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11- That would make a very good Christmas present.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14- That looks like...- Why are you giving everyone our book?
0:36:14 > 0:36:15You can't give everyone our book.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17How lovely. - Oh, fantastic.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19- No, you can't do that... - Well, the problem is
0:36:19 > 0:36:22that they're not actually selling very well at the moment.
0:36:22 > 0:36:26- You can't plug the book. This is the BBC.- I'm not plugging it.
0:36:26 > 0:36:29I'm just saying, unfortunately, it's not selling very well...
0:36:29 > 0:36:31- Stop saying that.- ..so if anyone wants to buy the book
0:36:31 > 0:36:33we'd be very grateful if you would and...
0:36:33 > 0:36:37- And Amazon is a good place to buy it from.- I love it.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39- On Amazon?- Yeah. - What would you know about Amazon?
0:36:39 > 0:36:41Well, what you do is you...
0:36:41 > 0:36:44You're going to explain to them at home how to...? How to use Amazon?
0:36:44 > 0:36:46Yes. I mean, you plug in to Amazon.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49You know how computers work, where you plug into them like that?
0:36:49 > 0:36:51You write in... You write in the title of the book
0:36:51 > 0:36:55- and then the book will come back to you...- Through the computer.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58..at a very reasonable price, and that's it. That's how it works.
0:36:58 > 0:37:00You have never used Amazon in your life.
0:37:00 > 0:37:02Well, I never used it personally, but...
0:37:02 > 0:37:04I've just given you the rough idea of how it works.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06You never do it. You never use Amazon.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08I've got people to do it.
0:37:08 > 0:37:11- Who are these people? - Well, staff.
0:37:11 > 0:37:13- We don't have staff. - Your mother!
0:37:13 > 0:37:15LAUGHTER
0:37:18 > 0:37:20- Your mother does it. - She is not staff!
0:37:20 > 0:37:24Well, no, but she does all the buying and the selling on eBay...
0:37:24 > 0:37:26Oh, no, I shouldn't have mentioned about that.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28I tell you what, Jack, you get an idea of someone's life
0:37:28 > 0:37:30just by the chapter headings of a book.
0:37:30 > 0:37:32A Black Tie Affair, Nannies and Four Weeks in Provence.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34It was a tough upbringing, wasn't it?
0:37:36 > 0:37:38We need to get some champagne.
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Get some staff in.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42RINGS BELL Hilary!
0:37:43 > 0:37:45Oh, here she comes.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47- Hello, Mother.- God bless her.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49Good old Hilary.
0:37:49 > 0:37:50Lovely. God bless you.
0:37:55 > 0:38:00- Thank you very much, Hilary. - Staff? I'm staff?
0:38:00 > 0:38:02- Thank you so much. - Ew!
0:38:02 > 0:38:04Bless you.
0:38:04 > 0:38:05There we are.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07We meet again. - Oh, go on.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10- One for Nige. - Thank you, staff. Very kind, staff.
0:38:10 > 0:38:13- Thank you very much. - Watch it.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16Hilary, you haven't given them the good stuff, have you?
0:38:16 > 0:38:19- I'm... I'm watching you. - Yeah.
0:38:20 > 0:38:23Daddy, I thought maybe because it's getting quite
0:38:23 > 0:38:25cold in the studio you could have this little...
0:38:25 > 0:38:27- put on your knees, this little rug. - Fuck off.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31I beg your pardon for using that language in front of you.
0:38:31 > 0:38:34Come on, just fuck off.
0:38:37 > 0:38:41Try to be nice to him and that's what you get.
0:38:41 > 0:38:42- So, Nigel...- Yes.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45..one of the moments you're most famous for on screen is that
0:38:45 > 0:38:47bit in Chariots of Fire when you go over the hurdles
0:38:47 > 0:38:50when they've all got the champagne glasses on.
0:38:50 > 0:38:51Did you actually do that in the film?
0:38:51 > 0:38:54I did, but they did... I have to be honest
0:38:54 > 0:38:57and say that they did have to Sellotape the champagne glasses.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59- Really?- Yeah, because I used to knock a few off.
0:38:59 > 0:39:03Is it a hard thing to do then, hurdle with the champagne glasses?
0:39:03 > 0:39:06I thought hurdling was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08Really? So, no, because we have one...
0:39:08 > 0:39:11We have the greatest hurdler in British athletics history.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14- 400 hurdles. - No, the greatest ever hurdler.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17Colin Jackson, if you're watching, you can go and fuck yourself.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20Do you reckon you would be able to hurdle over a hurdle
0:39:20 > 0:39:22if it had champagne glasses on?
0:39:22 > 0:39:27Um...yeah, why not? Yeah sure, of course I could. Of course I could!
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Back in the day. Back in the day.
0:39:29 > 0:39:32If only we had a hurdle here now.
0:39:34 > 0:39:36- Akabusi! - No. Look!
0:39:36 > 0:39:38- Oh, man... - Santabusi!
0:39:38 > 0:39:40Oh, my word!
0:39:40 > 0:39:43Oh, my word! That's going to be too..
0:39:43 > 0:39:47Oh, my... That's Colin Jackson. Yeah, that's far...
0:39:47 > 0:39:50OK, maybe that's a bit high. We'll put it down a bit.
0:39:50 > 0:39:51No, the Baroness is first...
0:39:53 > 0:39:56..and then we just go down the line, ending up with Chris.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58God. - Oh, my word.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01- Good work, Jack. - What is the right height?
0:40:01 > 0:40:03OK. Let's get... Have we got some champagne? Yeah?
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Aren't they nice, those little elves?
0:40:05 > 0:40:07- They're very nice. - Yes.- Would you like...?
0:40:07 > 0:40:10We have one each, Jack, and I have one each in our dressing room.
0:40:12 > 0:40:13That is incredible.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16Well, I mean, that's very unusual to have to hurdle...
0:40:16 > 0:40:19- I'm getting a little bit worried. - Come on, Santabusi. You can do this.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21- I can't hurdle with... - Can we have the music?
0:40:21 > 0:40:24- Can we have the Chariots of Fire music?- Oh!
0:40:24 > 0:40:27Santabusi, let me take your shoes off for you.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30- Let me get the other one off. I'll be helpful.- Oh, my God.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32I think he's going to jump over.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35Come, on guys! Believe!
0:40:35 > 0:40:39- CHARIOTS OF FIRE MUSIC - Go on, Santabusi!
0:40:39 > 0:40:41AUDIENCE CLAPS
0:40:41 > 0:40:43Yes!
0:40:43 > 0:40:46Boom! Boom! Get in!
0:41:04 > 0:41:07Oh, wow, wow!
0:41:07 > 0:41:09Boom, boom, boom!
0:41:09 > 0:41:12Boom! Boom!
0:41:15 > 0:41:17Ladies and gentlemen, that is all we have time for.
0:41:17 > 0:41:21A massive thank you to my guests Lee Mack, Baroness Trumpington,
0:41:21 > 0:41:25Christine Bleakley, Nigel Havers and Santabusi.
0:41:25 > 0:41:28But, before we go, it's the moment we've all been waiting for.
0:41:28 > 0:41:31As promised, Bad Education's Christmas choir
0:41:31 > 0:41:33are going to sing my father...
0:41:33 > 0:41:35What's your favourite carol?
0:41:35 > 0:41:38- My favourite carol, did you say? - Yeah, your favourite carol.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41- Thatcher, Carol Thatcher.- No, not Carol Thatcher.- Oh, no, sorry.
0:41:41 > 0:41:43Your favourite Christmas carol.
0:41:43 > 0:41:46- Oh, right. Silent Night, isn't it? - Silent Night.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49- Wonderful.- Take it away. - Great.
0:41:50 > 0:41:53Love Silent Night - the lyrics are so lovely.
0:41:56 > 0:41:57Just listen.
0:41:57 > 0:42:01Jack, listen to the lyrics, they're so beautiful.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07CHOIR SINGS IN GERMAN
0:42:07 > 0:42:09No!
0:42:16 > 0:42:20Einsam wacht!
0:42:52 > 0:42:55The Bad Education choir!
0:42:55 > 0:42:56APPLAUSE
0:42:56 > 0:42:58Hooray!
0:43:01 > 0:43:04Merry Christmas, everybody!