0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:09What is this thing we're doing? It's a clip show, so we've come to the end of the series
0:00:09 > 0:00:11and now it's like a compilation of clips
0:00:11 > 0:00:13and this is the bit we're going to link them.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17What, like that thing, 'I'm Being Framed' or whatever it's called?
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Not 'I'm Being Framed', no, it's 'You've Been Framed'.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Where they show you pictures of their babies falling through ice
0:00:22 > 0:00:26and that sort of thing? No, I mean... No? It's not that.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28I don't know when you last saw 'You've Been Framed', but there's...
0:00:28 > 0:00:32I've never seen it. There's never been a clip of a baby falling through the ice.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35They tend to be a little bit more jolly than that.
0:00:35 > 0:00:40Anyway, it's not that, it's just us doing links in-between
0:00:40 > 0:00:44the kind of highlights, the comedy highlights.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Well, there won't be many of those, then, will there?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Good evening and welcome to Backchat.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17So, this is the problem son you've told me about so many times?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19What are you talking about?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22No, please don't eat it!
0:01:22 > 0:01:25You know when a dog sort of...
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Boom, boom, boom, boom!
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Kick our shoes off, let's open the gin.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38I'm quite well hung.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40That is the sleaziest thing I've ever seen!
0:01:40 > 0:01:43I'm assuming that you're a virgin.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Sometimes it's best just to block it out.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Are we going to have a tear up? Me and Paxman?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Pow! Yeah, I'm Leth for the B, pow!
0:01:55 > 0:01:56If you don't know about me...
0:01:56 > 0:01:59I expected to come on here, because I've never met you before,
0:01:59 > 0:02:01and I thought, "He's going to look like shit."
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Now, come on, that was a fucking good question.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07And the sex is good, too. Oh, for God's sake!
0:02:07 > 0:02:11APPLAUSE
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Here are some of our favourite moments.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16My favourite thing about Jeremy Paxman
0:02:16 > 0:02:18is the theatre of his interviews.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20We've all seen it, right, he's grilling some politician
0:02:20 > 0:02:23and he lets them waffle on until their pants
0:02:23 > 0:02:25are filled to the brim with bullshit,
0:02:25 > 0:02:28he reaches into his jacket pocket and he withdraws
0:02:28 > 0:02:32his weapon of choice, the spectacles.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35and when he takes those out, what he's saying to that politician is,
0:02:35 > 0:02:38"Up until now, your face is so offensive to me,
0:02:38 > 0:02:42"I can't even look at you in focus,
0:02:42 > 0:02:44"but I've got a quote written down here,
0:02:44 > 0:02:47"a quote of yours from SEVEN YEARS AGO.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51"You probably don't even remember saying it, but Jeremy does.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55"So, be a good boy, pull down your trousers and pants
0:02:55 > 0:02:57"and bend over that barrel for me
0:02:57 > 0:03:00"and prepare to take this like a man!"
0:03:00 > 0:03:03But this is the masterstroke, right, he doesn't just put the glasses on
0:03:03 > 0:03:07and leave them there, no, we get the trademark Paxman flourish.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09The swoosh of the matador's cape,
0:03:09 > 0:03:13just before making the execution, he whips them back off again.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16This is how it plays, he's like "Minister,
0:03:16 > 0:03:20"you're here supporting the closure of 15 hospitals...
0:03:20 > 0:03:21GLASSES CLICK
0:03:21 > 0:03:26"but, in 2006, you said that under no circumstances
0:03:26 > 0:03:29"would you support cuts to the NHS.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32GLASSES BOOM
0:03:32 > 0:03:35"What's changed?"
0:03:35 > 0:03:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Do you know what grime is, Nick?
0:03:41 > 0:03:45It's mainly MC-based rappers, kind of like...
0:03:45 > 0:03:49a bit like poetry, like, street poetry over fast beats.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50WHOOSH!
0:03:50 > 0:03:52So, you've got something like this.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Pow! Yeah, I'm Leth to the B, pow! If you don't know about me, pow!
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Better ask for the correct link up, pow! Yeah, I'll pow!
0:03:58 > 0:04:01You don't, pow!
0:04:01 > 0:04:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:07 > 0:04:10That you were born on the same day as Winston Churchill?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Different year. Different year!
0:04:13 > 0:04:15But, yeah, I share the same birth date,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18and therefore have the middle name of Winston.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20What I was going to say, though, about Winston,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23because I'm a huge Winston fan.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Fan girl. Not quite the right word.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Groupie. Because you must be the only white man
0:04:29 > 0:04:35to have been called Winston since... Since Winston, really.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39And the show comes off air.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Thank you very much. This has been the end of Backchat.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46It was a very short-lived series, but we enjoyed it while it lasted.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Please send your complaints to Ofcom.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51I've been Jack Whitehall, good night.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Jeremy, he seems to be evading the question,
0:04:54 > 0:04:58how would you suggest that I get the information out of Mr Dyer?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00It's probably not even been written yet, has it?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Your character's sketched out, are the storylines there?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05You shoot 12 episodes at a time. Do you?
0:05:05 > 0:05:09You're three months in advance. Oh, really? You've filmed some of it?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Is he trying to get the thing out of me now? Is this a move? Yeah.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15No. You've already filmed some of it? I've been doing it for a month.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18And we'll be surprised? Yes.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21What aspect will surprise us? Well, you watch it, though.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24LAUGHTER
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Yeah, I'm not fucking stupid, I know what you're doing.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Yeah, I'm all over this, I'm all over it.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34APPLAUSE
0:05:34 > 0:05:38There is an Apprentice CD where... No, this is true, this a real thing.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I didn't know that. Did you not know that? No.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42You can buy all of the tracks from The Apprentice,
0:05:42 > 0:05:47and it has them all, it's like 'Boardroom', 'Driving home'...
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Do you think when Lord Sugar's having a quiet evening at home,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54he says to Lady Sugar,
0:05:54 > 0:05:58"Put the CD on, love, will you? There's nothing on the telly."
0:05:58 > 0:06:02I think there's no moment in your life when you couldn't use a track
0:06:02 > 0:06:03from The Apprentice to punctuate it.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07If you're with your girlfriend and maybe things aren't going right,
0:06:07 > 0:06:09and you need to have that complicated situation,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12you sit her down and you're like, "Look, I'm really sorry,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15"we have to talk about this, but just things aren't working..."
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Sorry, before I go on, just stick this on.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21MUSIC: APPRENTICE 'YOU'RE FIRED' THEME
0:06:21 > 0:06:25We've been together for a long time now and, look, it's...
0:06:25 > 0:06:30it's not you, it's me, it just isn't working out.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32We're arguing too much at the moment,
0:06:32 > 0:06:35so, with regret,
0:06:35 > 0:06:38you're dumped.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Very good.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Then you get her a taxi. Perfect!
0:06:44 > 0:06:46SLEIGH BELLS
0:06:46 > 0:06:48What is that? Is that...?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Could it be? Maybe? Is it him?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Boom! Boom, boom!
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Oh, my God, it's Santabusi!
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Merry Christmas!
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Boom, boom, boom, boom...
0:07:00 > 0:07:03BOOM!
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Pull your beard down!
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Hey, what's up? Boom, boom, boom, boom!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11What's up Jack? All right.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Come on, Santabusi. You can do this.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Can we have the music? Can we have the Chariots of Fire music?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18MUSIC: 'CHARIOTS OF FIRE' THEME
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Oh! Santabusi, let me take your shoes off for you.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Let me get the other one off. Oh, my God!
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I think he's going to jump over.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29OK, come on, guys! Believe!
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Come on, Santabusi!
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Go on! Yes!
0:07:35 > 0:07:42Santabusi! Get in! Yes!
0:07:42 > 0:07:46One of the things you seem to get a little bit irked by
0:07:46 > 0:07:50was that Russell Brand was saying that he didn't vote,
0:07:50 > 0:07:55yet in an interview with the Radio Times,
0:07:55 > 0:07:59you said, "In one recent election, I decided not to vote,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02"because I thought the choice was so unappetising."
0:08:02 > 0:08:04GLASSES BOOM
0:08:04 > 0:08:09What's changed?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Why don't you give the rest of the quote?
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Well, that's the only bit that I had...
0:08:16 > 0:08:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:20 > 0:08:24That was just a taste of what we've got in store for you this evening.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26One of the major problems with doing...
0:08:26 > 0:08:29How long is this going to take, this thing? These links?
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Well, not long, it's just a couple of short bits in between.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Because I don't particularly want to stand up for hours.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Yeah, but I thought it would be more casual if we're standing
0:08:38 > 0:08:41rather than just sat in front of the camera.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Well, I'd prefer to sit, to be honest. OK, fine, right, we'll sit.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Let's go and find somewhere comfortable to sit. Don't walk off!
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I'm not going to stand there for hours. Right, OK. We'll get a chair.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52We'll get you a chair and then we'll...
0:08:52 > 0:08:57Here are some times when my dad revealed more than he should have.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Since hitting the big time, Rylan splashed the cash
0:09:00 > 0:09:02on a new set of porcelain veneers.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Apparently his new teeth are so bright that, this Christmas,
0:09:05 > 0:09:07last year's X Factor runner-up, Jahmene Douglas,
0:09:07 > 0:09:09has been booked to switch them on.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11LAUGHTER
0:09:11 > 0:09:14I wouldn't make remarks about people's teeth.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Remember what your teeth were like?
0:09:16 > 0:09:21Your teeth were so bad, they were ENORMOUS!
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Do you remember, when you were 14?
0:09:23 > 0:09:27I mean, I nearly entered you into the Grand National one year.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29LAUGHTER
0:09:29 > 0:09:32So, recently the Oxford English Dictionary announced
0:09:32 > 0:09:35the new words that have come in for 2013,
0:09:35 > 0:09:37and would you know these words?
0:09:37 > 0:09:42We have Emoji, that's a new word, do you ever Emoji?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Don't think so, not knowingly.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Selfie.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Yes, I know THAT one!
0:09:48 > 0:09:51When... when he lived with us,
0:09:51 > 0:09:55I went in to his bedroom one day
0:09:55 > 0:09:57and he was... What did you find?
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Well, he was lying on his bed, having a selfie. No!
0:10:00 > 0:10:04No, no...
0:10:04 > 0:10:10And what was... what was really peculiar,
0:10:10 > 0:10:13what was really peculiar was that the television was on.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Wasn't on Countdown, was it? Well, no... Yeah, it was.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19I was waiting to see Rachel Riley and it kept coming back to you.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21It's cool. I call it a "danger selfie".
0:10:21 > 0:10:24That'll put you off your stroke!
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Now your list of gripes challenges even my father's.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Your list of gripes includes M underpants,
0:10:31 > 0:10:34you did have a... Yes. ..a gripe with those. I did.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38I was putting my underpants on in the gym one day
0:10:38 > 0:10:41and I observed they had a hole in them.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45I then remarked to the other blokes in the changing room,
0:10:45 > 0:10:49"Have any of you noticed Marks Sparks pants having holes in them?"
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Several of them had. What I hadn't reckoned on, of course, was
0:10:52 > 0:10:56that I think the pants were probably rather old.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Do you...? There should be clearly a sell-by or use-by date
0:11:00 > 0:11:02on your pants. And then you'd KNOW how old they were.
0:11:02 > 0:11:08Well, the problem I have is with the elastic, because I'm very, um...
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Lithe? No, I was going to say,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13I shouldn't use this in front of you, but I'm quite well hung.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15What the fu...!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17LAUGHTER
0:11:17 > 0:11:20And I... I need...
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I need very strong elasticity, is it called?
0:11:24 > 0:11:28In an underpant, and once it starts loosening up,
0:11:28 > 0:11:32all hell is basically let loose.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34And, of course, Jack has inherited
0:11:34 > 0:11:37some very good things from me, and that's one of...
0:11:37 > 0:11:40We can stop now. We can stop now. We've done enough of that.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44You're actually being very trivial, so we're going to move on now, OK.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Italia '90. Yes.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48The opening game of the group stages. Yes.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50England are playing Ireland. Well, I...
0:11:50 > 0:11:5419 minutes into the game, talk us through what happens.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59I hadn't been very well the night before and after 15, 20 minutes,
0:11:59 > 0:12:03the ball goes down the Republic of Ireland's left-hand side,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05I came over, tried to tackle the fullback
0:12:05 > 0:12:07which in itself is ridiculous,
0:12:07 > 0:12:10but as I did, I slid along the grass
0:12:10 > 0:12:14and I inadvertently relaxed.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16You shat yourself during a game?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19I did, Jack, yes. That's exactly what I did. But...
0:12:19 > 0:12:23I mean, Gary, I don't begrudge you, we've all been there.
0:12:23 > 0:12:28Provence, 1996, my brother Barnaby,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31again, had eaten something that disagreed with him.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34He was jumping into the pool and slightly overextended
0:12:34 > 0:12:35on the star jump.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38We had to evacuate the entire villa.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41That was not Barney's turd,
0:12:41 > 0:12:43it was yours and you know it.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46APPLAUSE
0:12:46 > 0:12:48And you know it.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50You wasted your vote last time.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52I didn't waste my vote, you voted for me.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55You did, you voted Green! That is a waste of a vote.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59He tried to steal my postal vote and force me to vote Tory. I did not.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01And I refused to let you do that.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05You said to me, "Do you mind doing it for me and I'll vote Conservative?"
0:13:05 > 0:13:06No, I didn't! I did not!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08And then you changed your mind
0:13:08 > 0:13:11and said, "Oh, no, I'm Lib Dem or Green" and all that rubbish.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Because you like, to your fan base, to appear to be
0:13:15 > 0:13:19sort of slightly socialisty, kind of greeny.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Socialisty greeny? What the hell are you talking about?
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Whereas you're a good, old-fashioned Tory! I'm not!
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Stop outing me as a Tory!
0:13:28 > 0:13:31All right now then, our next word is PARTYHAT.
0:13:31 > 0:13:36What is a partyhat? Partyhat? Lethal?
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Is it maybe...
0:13:40 > 0:13:43a thong on your head? I don't know.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46I don't know. Michael, help us out here.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Definition, noun.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53Erect or pointed nipples.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Wow.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Example.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01"Yes, bled, must be cold outside,
0:14:01 > 0:14:05"cos your mumma has her partyhats on."
0:14:05 > 0:14:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:11 > 0:14:13This better?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Yes, much better. Nice fire.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18I mean, it's ridiculous. Why?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20I wanted it to be like a casual thing in the kitchen,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23just throwing to stuff. Right.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27And this set-up is ludicrous, it's like Frost-Nixon.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30You're Nixon. Fine. OK.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Happy now? Can I do it? Can I... can we start?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Yes, do, please start.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38One of the things I wanted to achieve with Backchat...
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Have you made any lunch plans today, incidentally?
0:14:40 > 0:14:44I mean, is there a... some food on offer? Sort of catering?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46No, you just... have something when we're finished.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49This won't take long. But I always eat now.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52What do you mean eat now? We've just started. It's one o'clock.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Well, it wasn't my fault we started at one o'clock.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57I need something to eat, I'm sorry. Right, well...
0:14:57 > 0:15:02Nothing huge, but just something nice, maybe a glass of wine.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05OK. Well, I don't know, what do you...?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Well, I'll get Mummy to get me something.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10OK. Hilary!
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Hilary!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I don't think she's here.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Hilary?
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Hilary!
0:15:20 > 0:15:24I mean, she's obviously not here. Hilary?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27No, I don't think she's here.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Right, if I get you some food?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Hmmm-hmmm. Will you then just behave and do the links?
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Yes, OK.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Right.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Do you want me to come with you? No, stay there.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Oh, right, OK.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Now, here are some of our favourite guests.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Right, ready? Play it, play it.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48MUSIC: APPRENTICE 'BOARDROOM' THEME
0:15:48 > 0:15:51OK, shh, shh, shh. Now do the thing with the phone.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Would you send him in now, please, Francis?
0:16:00 > 0:16:04No, no, no, no, no, no. No. No.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08Sorry. No? What? What? Do the voice. No, don't be ridiculous.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10There's no way I'm doing an Alan Sugar...
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Come on, he's waiting out there, you have to do the voice.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Come on.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24IMITATES ALAN SUGAR: Would you send him in now, please, Francis?
0:16:24 > 0:16:28What, so she doesn't like people being flirtatious with her?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Oh, now hold on, I didn't say that.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33She's great fun and actually quite flirty.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Margaret is, you know, she's got those beautiful...
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Those beautiful Elizabeth Taylor violet eyes.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43My Catherine, my adored Catherine said
0:16:43 > 0:16:46that I really ought to have an affair with Margaret.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Knew it! I knew it, Nick!
0:16:49 > 0:16:53And one Arsenal fan, in particular, that you have quite a lot of banter
0:16:53 > 0:16:56with on Twitter is a guy who I happen to follow him on Twitter
0:16:56 > 0:16:59and, as an Arsenal fan myself, the only silver lining
0:16:59 > 0:17:01of Arsenal losing, is that I know
0:17:01 > 0:17:03you'll wind up Piers Morgan. Yeah.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Is there any better feeling than baiting him when Arsenal have lost?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Very few. Very few.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10You really go at him quite hard, though.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Well, he deserves it, quite frankly, most of the time.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15And it's quite playground stuff,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18he makes quite a lot of jokes about the size of your...
0:17:18 > 0:17:19Ears.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23But you give your fair share of stuff back to him about his...
0:17:23 > 0:17:25His many chins, for example. His many chins!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27And his ample frame. His ample frame!
0:17:27 > 0:17:31I think he's a total wanker, that man.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Most people would agree with you.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37APPLAUSE
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Two slices of bread.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43What about this, Bear? AUDIENCE AND MICHAEL: Oh!
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Two slices of bread, little Cecil. No! No, don't eat it!
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Who wants to look after the dog for the rest of the show?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57I don't trust you ladies over there...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Jack, why don't we keep the dog on here? It'd be quite sweet.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Are we not allowed to? No, there's a lot of that going on.
0:18:03 > 0:18:08Yeah, they literally don't trust you near any kind of animal.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11You look like you have warm, kind eyes, madam, you take that.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Jack, it seems to have weed down your front...
0:18:16 > 0:18:18It's weed down my front? Oh, no, very funny. Only joking!
0:18:18 > 0:18:21You did, actually, you genuinely got me.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24APPLAUSE
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Lee, what is the Lee Mack Christmas like?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Well, I'm ashamed to admit that I don't do much cooking in my house,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37so it's the once a year that I do do it,
0:18:37 > 0:18:39and for the last few years, I have religiously stuck by
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Nigella Lawson's cookery book, I have, genuinely,
0:18:42 > 0:18:45and I always thought... she asks you to get the turkey
0:18:45 > 0:18:48and put it in a bucket of water and leave it in your cellar,
0:18:48 > 0:18:50or outside, for five days,
0:18:50 > 0:18:53and I've always thought that's a very odd thing to do,
0:18:53 > 0:18:55leave a turkey soaking in a bucket of water,
0:18:55 > 0:18:57but if she says, "Do it", do it.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Turns out she was just off her tits!
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Are you a protective father to your...?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Yes, yes, of course I am, who isn't?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06If she... if she...
0:19:06 > 0:19:09If she brings back a boyfriend, what are you like with a boyfriend?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11I'd be quite scared to meet Danny Dyer.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Listen, I'm sweet with him, as long
0:19:14 > 0:19:18as a tear never drops from her fucking eye,
0:19:18 > 0:19:20we're going to be good friends. So...
0:19:20 > 0:19:24And you just say that to him... He knows it, I can do it in a look.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26So, say I came home and I was...
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Well, OK, so you walked in, I'd just be like that...
0:19:28 > 0:19:31With your daughter. You're getting blanked, I'm blanking ya.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35I'm looking at the telly and I'll just go...
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Oh, dear God, that is quite...
0:19:37 > 0:19:40And then pipe away again, so it's a little pipe... It's a little pipe?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43A pipe, which is a look. Yeah. And then look away. And then I know.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Then have another look, right? Yeah.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48And then say fuck all to him, d'you know what I mean?
0:19:48 > 0:19:49So he knows.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52And he knows in that moment. And then maybe...
0:19:52 > 0:19:55and then he'll go to take his coat off. I'll give him another look,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57to go, "Don't take your coat off!" Don't take your coat off?
0:19:57 > 0:20:00"Who the fuck do you think you are, taking your coat off in my house?"
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Is your house...is your house very cold?
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Freezing.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Beauty regime - Bear, is there much time for a beauty regime
0:20:07 > 0:20:09when you're in the wilderness?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Um...no is the straight answer.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13I use a lot of kind of natural things...
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Crack open an aloe vera.
0:20:16 > 0:20:21Exactly. Exactly. Even at home now, I use olive oil as moisturiser.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Oh, I do that, because I had eczema, you know.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24Sometimes a bit of avocado in my hair.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26The olive oil is very good -
0:20:26 > 0:20:28you need to make sure you rinse the bath with washing up liquid -
0:20:28 > 0:20:30it's the only thing that gets rid of it,
0:20:30 > 0:20:32otherwise you'll slip around like nobody's business.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34But very good, olive oil, isn't it, for everywhere.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36This is all going in Jack, I'm getting it.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38I get toxed, so I will have a bit of Botox,
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I've had mine last week so I'm not quite fully frozen yet.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Where does that happen?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44I have a bit of a love heart round here
0:20:44 > 0:20:45and I had three round the eyes.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Hasn't kicked in, only had it done on Sunday.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50You know it's super-dangerous, that stuff?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Yeah, but so is what you do, Bear, but, you know,
0:20:52 > 0:20:53we have to do it. Exactly.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Now as people get older, they take different steps
0:21:01 > 0:21:04to ease the impact of the passage of time on their looks.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Some people grow a beard.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Others, like my father,
0:21:08 > 0:21:10need something a little more drastic.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13I took him to investigate one of those options.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16I booked an appointment with one of London's top plastic surgeons.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Here's how it went down.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22OK, what's the name of our general practitioner?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25I don't know, you're the one who's brought me here.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27I mean, I don't know what we're doing here.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28I'm very upset that Jack thinks
0:21:28 > 0:21:30that I need to have anything done to my face.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33I think my face, for a more mature man,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36is almost perfection.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38"Do you drink alcohol?"
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Well, of course, that's a bloody stupid question.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41Yeah, but if you take...
0:21:41 > 0:21:43If you drink and do prescription drugs,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46you'll end up like Kerry Katona on This Morning.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Do you want that?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I don't know who she is.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Are you going to be honest with this drink one?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Well, I put one unit a day, that's about right, isn't it? Yeah.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57A unit is not a bottle of red wine.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Well, why should I tell the man how much I drink?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Cos he's your doctor, he's not going to be telling everyone.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04He's not my doctor, I've never met the man.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05I'll put "three."
0:22:05 > 0:22:07JACK SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Have I ever had a facial herpes infection?
0:22:10 > 0:22:14I mean, this is getting really personal.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Have you?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Well, there was that time in Greece...
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Oh, God, I don't...I don't want to know, actually.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26He didn't seem to be taking the medical questionnaire seriously,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29and was definitely answering some of the questions incorrectly.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Gentlemen, thank you very much for coming along.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33How can I help you?
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Basically, my father's looking a bit old in the face area,
0:22:37 > 0:22:40so I thought we could maybe talk about getting
0:22:40 > 0:22:41a kind of MOT done on that?
0:22:41 > 0:22:45When you said "MOT", could you sort of specify a bit more?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48I don't know, I was just thinking his face at rest
0:22:48 > 0:22:51looks like he's just smelt a bad fart, all the time.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52Ridiculous...
0:22:52 > 0:22:54It's Jack that I'm worried about.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57I mean, when you think he's only just 25,
0:22:57 > 0:22:59I mean, when he gets to my age,
0:22:59 > 0:23:01God knows what he's going to look like.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Patrick, tell it to me straight,
0:23:03 > 0:23:05is this what I've got to look forward to?
0:23:05 > 0:23:08You know, that depends very much on how you lead your lifestyle.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10The ageing process is very complex.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Oh...
0:23:12 > 0:23:13What I'd like to do is just illustrate
0:23:13 > 0:23:16some of the areas that I think that we can improve upon.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18So let's start with the eyelids.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Patrick was doing all of his, you know, pen shit on my dad,
0:23:22 > 0:23:24and then I noticed there was one part of the face
0:23:24 > 0:23:26that I think he'd carelessly overlooked.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Can I suggest as well - just if you don't mind, Daddy -
0:23:29 > 0:23:32if you took out some of the skin here
0:23:32 > 0:23:35and just thinned that area,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38and then pulled it in a bit there,
0:23:38 > 0:23:42you might get a more youthful kind of mouth area.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Yeah, no, I think that's probably not a good idea,
0:23:45 > 0:23:47it's not really a conventional approach
0:23:47 > 0:23:50and I don't think it's going to contribute
0:23:50 > 0:23:52to...to Michael's overall rejuvenation. Look.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53No, I don't think so.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57I think we've probably done enough of this now, to be honest.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01So, Patrick, can you work out some sort of price for this?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I'll get that information and then I'll get back to you.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Great, thanks. Great, thanks. Thanks. Back in a minute.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16OK, gents, you'd be looking at something like this,
0:24:16 > 0:24:17for all of it included.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Oh, thanks, Jack.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Oh, shit.
0:24:28 > 0:24:33Total waste of time. Complete con artist.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Taxi.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Um, maybe don't put your arm up like that.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Don't mess up this suit, will you?
0:24:43 > 0:24:46It cost me a lot of money, couldn't get BBC Three to pay for it.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Oh.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52There, food. Right, thank you very much.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Can you get on with it? All right, OK...
0:24:55 > 0:24:59We've had a lot of amazing guests over the course of the series.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Some of my favourites included Danny Dyer...
0:25:01 > 0:25:04I'm not eating out of a box.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07What? I'm not eating something out of a box.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09It's all they had open, it's New Year's Day.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Oh, it looks very greasy in there, ugh...
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Right, OK, fine, stop. At least put it on a plate.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Yeah, OK. It might get some of the grease off it.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Sorry.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21The great thing about Backchat
0:25:21 > 0:25:23is we never knew what was going to happen next.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Even when we did make a plan,
0:25:25 > 0:25:26it never turned out like we expected.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28It's terribly dry, this chicken.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32I mean, it's as dry as a bone.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33JACK SIGHS
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Go back to the shop
0:25:35 > 0:25:37and see if they've got some bearnaise sauce.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Bearnaise sauce? Yeah, bearnaise sauce.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43At least it'll make it a little bit moister.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45It's a Texan fried chicken.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49They don't have bearnaise sauce. OK, well...
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Hollandaise, then.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Just roll the clip.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Here are some of our favourite unseen moments.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Would we ever see Jeremy Paxman on Strictly?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06No! Why?
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Well, I've been asked twice
0:26:07 > 0:26:10and I think you'd need to have your head examined
0:26:10 > 0:26:11before going on something like that.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12Oh, that's a shame.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15You'd better tell Anton du Beke that... Stand him down,
0:26:15 > 0:26:18we're not doing the ending of the show that we had planned.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20We'd even gone to all the trouble of getting this.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23ANNOUNCER: Will Jeremy Paxman and his partner Anton du Beke
0:26:23 > 0:26:25please take to the floor?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29We thought that might inspire you, but...
0:26:29 > 0:26:31That was what we call a bad production idea.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35I thought it was fabulous.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Thanks, Jack, I always thought you were a bit gay.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41You are a little bit, though, aren't you? No.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Oh, come on, you're so camp.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44No. No, I'm...I'm not. Yes, you are.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46I was watching your Fresh Meat programme.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50Now, I caught you in bed and I noticed you're very...
0:26:50 > 0:26:51On the show.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54You've got a lot of foliage going on, that's quite nice,
0:26:54 > 0:26:57but then I looked and all I could see was this big, huge -
0:26:57 > 0:26:59you know what I'm going to say, don't you? No.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Areola.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03I was like, "Are they going to show us the full tit or not?"
0:27:03 > 0:27:05It was like that! I've got...yeah, I've got...
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Haven't you got...? I've got quite large nipples.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Then again, that's something I inherited...
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Well, I just think...I just thought you were a little bit gay.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16I'm not! I'm one of the straightest men...
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Oh, come on, you're like spaghetti till it's boiled!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Oh, shut up, darling. Amongst my...no, that was not...
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Father, did you feel like you got anything out of the experience?
0:27:26 > 0:27:28I've got to fess up to something here,
0:27:28 > 0:27:35and that is that when I left your surgery a week or two ago,
0:27:35 > 0:27:38because there were quite a few of them around,
0:27:38 > 0:27:41um...I took a couple of these...
0:27:41 > 0:27:44I know you did, yeah - I counted.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47I thought he won't miss two of them, because I thought
0:27:47 > 0:27:50I haven't got anything for your mother for Christmas.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Litter bugs?
0:27:53 > 0:27:55I don't like litter bugs, you're quite right. There, see?
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Finally. One out of three. Yes!
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Yeah, no, I... Oh, no, sorry.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09What happened? Where's that camp run you've suddenly developed...?
0:28:11 > 0:28:14I mean, Jeremy said, you know, in a few years' time,
0:28:14 > 0:28:16you'll start looking like Brian Sewell,
0:28:16 > 0:28:17and I think he's probably right.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20I've never seen anything so camp.
0:28:21 > 0:28:22Action.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27"What are you doing in my pub?
0:28:27 > 0:28:29"You ain't welcome here, you slag."
0:28:31 > 0:28:33"I'm leaving you, Danny,
0:28:33 > 0:28:36"cos you don't treat me like you should treat a woman."
0:28:36 > 0:28:40A woman!? I'm not playing a woman. This is ridiculous.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Because you're his wife, you're not...it's either that or...
0:28:43 > 0:28:45I'm his wife? Yes, in the story, it's a story.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48This is for Danny's benefit, not yours.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Danny needs to practise this, just go.
0:28:50 > 0:28:51Right, OK, right.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53"We'll get you out of here.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55"I'll take you down market with bubble and squeak
0:28:55 > 0:28:58"till the cows come home. I love you, darling, all right?
0:28:58 > 0:29:02"I love you more than life itself, all right?
0:29:02 > 0:29:03"You slag."
0:29:10 > 0:29:13"Danny, I'm in the full bloom of my womanhood."
0:29:15 > 0:29:19I can't believe I'm saying all this stuff - who wrote this?
0:29:19 > 0:29:21I wrote it! Oh.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24"Sure, you're a phenomenal lover.
0:29:25 > 0:29:29"But physical ecstasy is not enough.
0:29:30 > 0:29:34"Exchange look of simmering sexual tension."
0:29:40 > 0:29:43That was all right, that was quite fuckable, actually.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Danny! Well...!
0:29:45 > 0:29:47"I'm taking the kids with me."
0:29:47 > 0:29:49"You can't take me kids!"
0:29:49 > 0:29:52"They're not your kids, Danny."
0:29:52 > 0:29:54"But if they're not my kids,
0:29:54 > 0:29:57"then whose are they, you slag?"
0:29:59 > 0:30:00Jeremy's the daddy!
0:30:07 > 0:30:10Oh...ooh...
0:30:10 > 0:30:12Really bad heartburn.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14It's that chicken.
0:30:14 > 0:30:15Sh, stop it.
0:30:15 > 0:30:19Um...so, Daddy, what were your highlights
0:30:19 > 0:30:20of filming Backchat?
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Well, I mean, it was difficult.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24I mean, I couldn't make head or tail of the whole thing,
0:30:24 > 0:30:27cos all the anecdotes that I told you
0:30:27 > 0:30:30which I thought, you know, would have been the highlights,
0:30:30 > 0:30:31seemed to get cut.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34We had to edit some of them because they do...
0:30:34 > 0:30:37Well, I mean, they're good, but some of them do tend to,
0:30:37 > 0:30:39you know, go on a bit. No, they didn't.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41They were quite long-winded, some of them.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43They weren't. You can ramble...
0:30:43 > 0:30:46There were lots of very, very good, short anecdotes I told.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48You don't have any short anecdotes.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51What about that one about Penelope Keith and Peter Bowles
0:30:51 > 0:30:54when we went to the dog track in Catford,
0:30:54 > 0:30:56the greyhound story?
0:30:56 > 0:30:58You remember I had a greyhound?
0:30:58 > 0:31:00Every time we went down to the training place
0:31:00 > 0:31:04and met the trainer, who was called Randy Singleton,
0:31:04 > 0:31:07the dog used to sort of come up and lick me
0:31:07 > 0:31:09but I thought, "Well, how do I know that's my dog?"
0:31:10 > 0:31:13And there were other people there, there was...
0:31:13 > 0:31:17I have a feeling that Maureen Lipman might have been there,
0:31:17 > 0:31:19but it was quite, you know, big names,
0:31:19 > 0:31:22and Peter Bowles' mother was there.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27So Peter and Penny were mortified
0:31:27 > 0:31:29and, I mean, there was nothing else for it,
0:31:29 > 0:31:31I just turned round and told Randy Singleton
0:31:31 > 0:31:33that he could bloody well go and fuck himself.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40Here are some more of my dad's best bits.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42Did you ever, like, meet Maggie Thatcher?
0:31:42 > 0:31:45No, I think I spotted her once across a room, aged eight,
0:31:45 > 0:31:47and was quite intimidated.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50You're not trying to get me to tell that story?
0:31:50 > 0:31:52He's trying to get me to tell the story
0:31:52 > 0:31:55because I went out a few times with Carol, their daughter.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57Did you ever French kiss Carol Thatcher?
0:31:57 > 0:32:01I don't want to hear...shut up! Yes, I did. I have to say I did.
0:32:01 > 0:32:02Oh, brilliant.
0:32:02 > 0:32:06I went from between French kissing and heavy petting.
0:32:07 > 0:32:10But I never went further than that with her,
0:32:10 > 0:32:13and she asked me back to Number 10 Downing Street
0:32:13 > 0:32:15to meet the parents
0:32:15 > 0:32:17and it was sort of midnight-ish
0:32:17 > 0:32:21and I was beginning to get a little - I mean, not...I wasn't drunk...
0:32:21 > 0:32:23You were pissed. I was not.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25Anyway, I went out into the hall to order a cab
0:32:25 > 0:32:29and I rang up the cab company and Carol was standing next to me,
0:32:29 > 0:32:32and I said, "Oh, hello, I'd like a cab please
0:32:32 > 0:32:33"to Number 10 Downing Street."
0:32:33 > 0:32:38And the chap at the other end said, "Oh, yes, sir? 10 Downing Street?
0:32:38 > 0:32:39"Right, and what would your name be?"
0:32:39 > 0:32:43And I said, "Whitehall", and he said, "Oh, right."
0:32:43 > 0:32:46She then grabbed the phone off me, Carol,
0:32:46 > 0:32:49because she could see I wasn't coping very well with it,
0:32:49 > 0:32:50and she said, "Hello?"
0:32:50 > 0:32:53And the guy at the other end says, "Yes, hello?"
0:32:53 > 0:32:55And she said, "Have you got all those details?"
0:32:55 > 0:32:58And he said, "Yes I've got Mr Whitehall from 10 Downing Street.
0:32:58 > 0:32:59"Who would you be, madam?"
0:32:59 > 0:33:02And she said "My name is Thatcher."
0:33:02 > 0:33:04At which point the man put the phone down
0:33:04 > 0:33:05and I didn't get a cab.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07That is the worst excuse I have ever heard
0:33:07 > 0:33:09for sleeping with Carol Thatcher.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13What's the furthest north you've ever been?
0:33:13 > 0:33:14Worcester?
0:33:16 > 0:33:17So, Worcester is the furthest north...
0:33:17 > 0:33:20You went to school in Yorkshire. Yeah.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22Well, that is further north than Worcester.
0:33:22 > 0:33:28No, but I never went, sort of, into Yorkshire, as it were.
0:33:28 > 0:33:32We used to go up from King's Cross Station to York
0:33:32 > 0:33:33in a private train...
0:33:33 > 0:33:35Whoa, whoa, whoa - sorry, you went to school
0:33:35 > 0:33:37on a private train from King's Cross?
0:33:37 > 0:33:40Did you have to run through a wall to get to the platform?
0:33:41 > 0:33:46We went up to York Station and when we got out...
0:33:46 > 0:33:48And then Hagrid put you in the boats.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51And then we spent the term there
0:33:51 > 0:33:53and then we came back at the end of term.
0:33:53 > 0:33:54To the muggles.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59If I may just have a word with you about -
0:33:59 > 0:34:03because you've got a very, very attractive younger wife,
0:34:03 > 0:34:06and I had the same - well, I still do have the same.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09But where you've got this to look forward to
0:34:09 > 0:34:12is the benefit of having a younger wife
0:34:12 > 0:34:15when you're getting near my age... Yeah.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18Because then you've got somebody to carry the heavy shopping...
0:34:21 > 0:34:24..the heavy suitcases on holiday,
0:34:24 > 0:34:29the car puncture, out of the car, fixes the puncture.
0:34:31 > 0:34:35And, dare I say...in the bedroom.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38OK, we don't, we don't...
0:34:38 > 0:34:40We don't want to hear about in the bedroom,
0:34:40 > 0:34:41with you and my mother.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44In the bedroom, light bulb goes out...
0:34:44 > 0:34:45Oh, thank God.
0:34:45 > 0:34:50She's up the ladder, changes the light bulb. Phew!
0:34:50 > 0:34:52I thought you were going somewhere different.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54And the sex is good too. Oh, for...
0:34:58 > 0:35:02Let me tell you about the night of your conception... Whoa!
0:35:02 > 0:35:05Then we won't have any more of this "Are you my daddy?"
0:35:05 > 0:35:07We don't want that...let's move on.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10It was the night of the Great Storm, you remember that night?
0:35:10 > 0:35:12None of you want to hear it. When Michael Fish...
0:35:12 > 0:35:14I do. I want to hear it. Shut up, Lee.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16Michael Fish wasn't... The storm. Yes.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18He said there wasn't going to be a storm,
0:35:18 > 0:35:19there was this huge storm... Yeah.
0:35:19 > 0:35:23And we had some people for dinner, we had six people for dinner.
0:35:23 > 0:35:24Was one of them Nigel? Just wondering.
0:35:24 > 0:35:26No. No, no.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28Just wondering. Don't encourage him.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31We had six people for dinner and then they left at about midnight
0:35:31 > 0:35:33and that's when the storm started,
0:35:33 > 0:35:36and there was sort of rumbling and...and it got...
0:35:36 > 0:35:40It got very, very hot that night, and it started raining
0:35:40 > 0:35:43and Hilary - that's my wife, Hilary, and his mother -
0:35:43 > 0:35:45we went for a walk round the block
0:35:45 > 0:35:49and then we got to the front door, having had our walk and...
0:35:49 > 0:35:52You remember that big tree in front of the front door?
0:35:52 > 0:35:54I wasn't born. No, but there was a big tree,
0:35:54 > 0:35:56and your mother leant against the tree
0:35:56 > 0:35:59and her dress was beginning to slightly ride up...
0:35:59 > 0:36:02Oh, my God! Because of the heat and because...
0:36:02 > 0:36:04And of course she's got rain on her as well
0:36:04 > 0:36:06and she looked very, you know, exciting,
0:36:06 > 0:36:08and I thought, just for a moment,
0:36:08 > 0:36:11I thought "Could this be a knee trembler opportunity?"
0:36:11 > 0:36:12Oh, my God!
0:36:12 > 0:36:14OK, I believe you. I believe you.
0:36:14 > 0:36:18Nigel's not my dad. Nigel's not my dad, I believe you.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20Please carry on, this is saving me ?2.50 a minute.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22She walked up the stairs... I believe you.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25We got to the top of the stairs, which was our bedroom,
0:36:25 > 0:36:26and she lay on the bed...
0:36:26 > 0:36:28OK, shall we bring out Santabusi?
0:36:28 > 0:36:31She started to - well, she didn't undress exactly... Kriss, help!
0:36:31 > 0:36:34She just lay there, and I got so excited... Kriss!
0:36:34 > 0:36:36I mean, so excited,
0:36:36 > 0:36:38that I jumped the gun.
0:36:38 > 0:36:39OH, MY GOD!
0:36:43 > 0:36:45Why are you laughing?
0:36:45 > 0:36:46Because we've just seen a bit.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49But you haven't seen it - you don't know whether it's funny or not.
0:36:49 > 0:36:50No, it's just how it works. OK.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53So, let's talk about guests.
0:36:53 > 0:36:54Of all the people we had on...
0:36:54 > 0:36:55DOOR BELL RINGS
0:36:55 > 0:36:57What? Who's that?
0:36:57 > 0:36:59Oh, excuse me, this is Morris.
0:36:59 > 0:37:02Who the fuck is Morris? The upholsterer.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04Sorry, you've booked an upholsterer to come round?
0:37:04 > 0:37:06Yeah, he's just - he won't be here very long.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08You knew we were going to do...
0:37:08 > 0:37:12Ah, Morris - hello, hi, lovely to see you.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16Right, OK, can I have a word, please? Yes, OK.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18No, not you.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23What the hell is this? You knew we were doing this today.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26Yes. You couldn't have had him coming over on another day?
0:37:26 > 0:37:28But I didn't think we'd be doing it all day.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30We're only doing it for a couple of hours.
0:37:30 > 0:37:33He said he was in the area, he could come over, look at some...
0:37:33 > 0:37:35We're not doing a whole show based on Morris's schedule.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37I know we're not. I'm quite busy as well.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39OK, well... Where can we...?
0:37:39 > 0:37:41We're not doing it in there whilst he's doing...
0:37:41 > 0:37:43OK, well, I'm not going in that kitchen,
0:37:43 > 0:37:45it stinks of that ghastly chicken.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47Oh, yes, I know where we could go.
0:37:51 > 0:37:54This is weird. Why?
0:37:54 > 0:37:58Doing it in your bedroom. Odd.
0:37:58 > 0:37:59Not really.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01It's good enough for Morecambe and Wise,
0:38:01 > 0:38:04it'll be good enough for us.
0:38:04 > 0:38:05OK.
0:38:05 > 0:38:09This bed's got some slightly dodgy springs.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11I'm afraid your mother got very over-excited
0:38:11 > 0:38:15during the Christmas holiday period. Oh, my God...
0:38:15 > 0:38:18BBC Three felt the show might be feeling a little bit posh
0:38:18 > 0:38:19and a little bit old,
0:38:19 > 0:38:21so we decided that we would do the best thing
0:38:21 > 0:38:24and book a 92-year-old member of the House of Lords.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27She's 92 - that is amazing, right?
0:38:27 > 0:38:29Sh...
0:38:29 > 0:38:32I'm not 92, I'm 91.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34Sorry!
0:38:34 > 0:38:35I'm sorry, Baroness.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38Where are you getting all this tripe from?
0:38:38 > 0:38:40It's all from your Wikipedia page.
0:38:41 > 0:38:44Probably written by you,
0:38:44 > 0:38:46or someone even less educated.
0:38:46 > 0:38:50Jeremy! Stop being so mean!
0:38:50 > 0:38:52Also can I just say - you won't know this -
0:38:52 > 0:38:55Lee Mack used to be a Redcoat at Butlins,
0:38:55 > 0:38:57so he too...you know...
0:38:57 > 0:38:59Could I just say...?
0:38:59 > 0:39:01APPLAUSE
0:39:03 > 0:39:04You made a schoolboy error there.
0:39:04 > 0:39:06I appreciate you are a schoolboy,
0:39:06 > 0:39:10but I was not a Redcoat at Butlins -
0:39:10 > 0:39:12I was a Bluecoat at Pontins.
0:39:12 > 0:39:14So of..of the three words you needed,
0:39:14 > 0:39:17you only got the word "coat" correct.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20Now, one thing I want to talk to you about
0:39:20 > 0:39:23is you have just opened a boutique
0:39:23 > 0:39:25in...or you're about to open a boutique...
0:39:25 > 0:39:28I'm not, but I'll say, "Yes." You're not? No. Am I?
0:39:28 > 0:39:31Fucking Wikipedia is bullshit.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33What the fuck's Wikipedia saying now?
0:39:33 > 0:39:34Apparently my home was invaded
0:39:34 > 0:39:36by false widow spiders the other week,
0:39:36 > 0:39:38that was bollocks.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40There goes my next question.
0:39:40 > 0:39:44Your life and career is just fantastic.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46You were basically a spy.
0:39:46 > 0:39:47No.
0:39:49 > 0:39:52Do you want me to do this? Yeah - no, put that down,
0:39:52 > 0:39:53we'll do that in a sec. Right.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56So we're pretending Kriss Akabusi has just gone...
0:39:56 > 0:39:59Sorry, this sets up something at the end of the show
0:39:59 > 0:40:02and someone forgot what they were meant to be talking about.
0:40:02 > 0:40:03Oh, cheers.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05The trouble is, someone isn't always told
0:40:05 > 0:40:07what they're supposed to do.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11I have to keep it all in my young head.
0:40:12 > 0:40:13Right.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16You made a lot of mistakes at the beginning.
0:40:16 > 0:40:20I've been writing them down - you made one, two, three...
0:40:23 > 0:40:26This has been Backchat. Good night.
0:40:29 > 0:40:32You've all had a good show.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35Nick, I particularly enjoyed some of your anecdotes
0:40:35 > 0:40:36towards the beginning,
0:40:36 > 0:40:40but worry that on some of the tasks, you took a bit of a back seat.
0:40:41 > 0:40:45Mr Biz, you remind me of a younger me,
0:40:45 > 0:40:48even though you're older than me and a grime rapper.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53Father, you were very grumpy at the beginning of the evening,
0:40:53 > 0:40:55but you warmed up a little bit
0:40:55 > 0:40:57and I did enjoy some of your interjections.
0:40:57 > 0:41:01However, your reference to my mother's party hats
0:41:01 > 0:41:03will haunt me for the rest of my life.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07It's for this reason that, with regret,
0:41:07 > 0:41:09Father, you're fired.
0:41:20 > 0:41:22Why are we up here? It's bloody freezing.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24Because this is nice, picturesque,
0:41:24 > 0:41:26so I thought we could have, like, a reflective moment
0:41:26 > 0:41:29for the end of the series, so... Reflective about what, though?
0:41:29 > 0:41:32Just being reflective, you know? We're looking back on the series,
0:41:32 > 0:41:35I thought it'd be nice to have a reflective moment to end on.
0:41:35 > 0:41:36So just look out...
0:41:36 > 0:41:39No, not over there, just look towards the river
0:41:39 > 0:41:40and just be reflective, OK?
0:41:41 > 0:41:44That's not reflective, you look angry.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47I'm not, I'm just thinking about... Sh, sh, sh.
0:41:47 > 0:41:49Those bloody cyclists.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52They're not taxed, like we are - I pay tax, my car...
0:41:52 > 0:41:55This isn't about cyclists. ..insurance...
0:41:55 > 0:41:57Just shut up and be reflective.
0:41:59 > 0:42:02Well, that's it, the end of the series.
0:42:02 > 0:42:05I hope you've enjoyed it as much as we've enjoyed making it,
0:42:05 > 0:42:09and with any luck, we'll see you again soon.
0:42:09 > 0:42:12I'm not sure I'll be around for that.
0:42:12 > 0:42:15Don't end the series on that.
0:42:15 > 0:42:16What do you mean? Could you be any more morbid?
0:42:16 > 0:42:19You will, if you look after yourself,
0:42:19 > 0:42:22you know, cut down on the alcohol a bit,
0:42:22 > 0:42:25I'm sure you'll keep going for a lot longer.
0:42:25 > 0:42:27I'm not talking about that.
0:42:27 > 0:42:31You don't seriously think I'm going to do another series for BBC Three
0:42:31 > 0:42:33at the money they've been paying me?
0:42:35 > 0:42:38OK - well, we won't see you again soon.
0:42:38 > 0:42:39Good night.
0:42:39 > 0:42:40Well, you might. Good night.
0:42:44 > 0:42:46Why is your name before mine?
0:42:46 > 0:42:47Because...
0:42:47 > 0:42:50Ridiculous. What do all these people do?
0:42:50 > 0:42:52They all work on the show.
0:42:52 > 0:42:53But we do all the work on the...
0:42:53 > 0:42:55No, we don't, these are the amazing people...
0:42:55 > 0:42:58If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't be able to make the show.
0:42:58 > 0:43:00Well, where do they come from?
0:43:00 > 0:43:02A bunch of freeloaders, are they?
0:43:02 > 0:43:04I've never met any of these people.