0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:08- Daddy?- Yeah?- Basically, BBC Three want you to look a little bit less
0:00:08 > 0:00:10like Penfold from Danger Mouse.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13You know the way we've got Danny Dyer on the show later?
0:00:13 > 0:00:15- Well, whoever he is.- Yeah, OK.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Basically, I thought you could dress a little bit more geezer-y
0:00:18 > 0:00:19so that he feels at home.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21So how do you feel about wearing that?
0:00:22 > 0:00:25There is no way that I'm going to wear a tracksuit.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30- I'd look like that awful disc jockey man.- No, don't go there.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32- What about these trainers?- No.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34No way I'm going to meet Jeremy Paxman
0:00:34 > 0:00:36looking like a drug dealer.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39All right, OK, hear me out. We could try something a lot more discreet.
0:00:39 > 0:00:44But honestly, I think you'd look really good with an earring.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45Just a little...
0:00:52 > 0:00:54What about a nipple?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Good evening and welcome to Backchat,
0:01:16 > 0:01:18a brand-new chat show for BBC Three.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19On tonight's show, finally,
0:01:19 > 0:01:22after years of people wanting to see them team up,
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Jeremy Paxman and Danny Dyer are going to be together at last
0:01:25 > 0:01:27on that very sofa.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29WHOOPING
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Before the show, Danny was actually teaching me
0:01:34 > 0:01:36a little bit of Cockney rhyming slang.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Phrases such as "Shut up, you lanky prick!"
0:01:40 > 0:01:42I still haven't worked out what it's slang for,
0:01:42 > 0:01:43but I'm certain it's lovely.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46We're also going to be talking to Jeremy Paxman.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48My favourite thing about Jeremy Paxman
0:01:48 > 0:01:51is the theatre of his interviews. We've all seen it, right?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54He's grilling some politician and he lets them waffle on
0:01:54 > 0:01:57until their pants are filled to the brim with bullshit.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00He reaches into his jacket pocket
0:02:00 > 0:02:03and he withdraws his weapon of choice -
0:02:03 > 0:02:05the spectacles.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06And when he takes those out,
0:02:06 > 0:02:09what he's saying to that politician is, "Up until now,
0:02:09 > 0:02:15"your face is so offensive to me, I can't even look at you in focus.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17"But I've got a quote written down here,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20"a quote of yours from seven years ago.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22"You probably don't even remember saying it,
0:02:22 > 0:02:24"but Jeremy does.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28"So be a good boy, pull down your trousers and pants,
0:02:28 > 0:02:30"and bend over that barrel for me
0:02:30 > 0:02:32"and prepare to take this like a man."
0:02:32 > 0:02:34But this is the masterstroke, right.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37He doesn't just put the glasses on and leave them there.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40No, we get the trademark Paxman flourish,
0:02:40 > 0:02:42the swoosh of the matador's cape.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Just before making the execution, he whips them back off again.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48This is how it plays.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50He's like, "Minister, you're here supporting
0:02:50 > 0:02:53"the closure of 15 hospitals..."
0:02:53 > 0:02:54GUN COCKS
0:02:54 > 0:02:59"..but in 2006, you said that under no circumstances
0:02:59 > 0:03:02"would you support cuts to the NHS."
0:03:02 > 0:03:05CANNON BOOMS
0:03:05 > 0:03:07"What's changed?"
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Before we chat to our guests,
0:03:13 > 0:03:17I need to, of course, bring out my co-host, my 75-year-old,
0:03:17 > 0:03:19gout-ridden father, Michael.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23I feel duty-bound to warn you about him.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25The modern world kind of baffles him.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I'm talking about the kind of man here who,
0:03:27 > 0:03:31when I took him to a KFC restaurant for the first time two years ago,
0:03:31 > 0:03:32asked to see the wine list.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37So, you have been warned. Anyway, let's bring him out.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39You know the way people say,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42"He's not just my dad, he's also my best friend"?
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Well, please welcome my dad, Michael Whitehall.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE THEME PLAYS
0:03:49 > 0:03:50CHEERING
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Sorry about the steps, by the way.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12The BBC Three budget couldn't stretch to a stairlift.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16- Very funny. - Spent it all on your chair.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18I'm not 75.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- What are you talking...? - I don't have gout.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23If I had gout, I wouldn't wear elegant shoes like this.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25I'm 73, OK?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- Can I get on with the show?- 73.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Yes, 73.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- Can we just have a word about restaurants too?- Why are you reading?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Because I've been making notes behind there...
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- Making notes?! - ..while you've been talking.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40No, I need to.. Please, I need to bring out our...
0:04:40 > 0:04:44- our guests...- "The KFC restaurants", you said, right?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46You just can't comprehend that a fast food restaurant,
0:04:46 > 0:04:47that is a restaurant.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50You're the man that, when you went to McDonald's with me
0:04:50 > 0:04:51and you ordered a Big Mac,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54you asked the woman behind the till to have it cooked medium-rare.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57And that is true, he did. You did do that.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58- I did not.- Yes, you did!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- I did not.- You did!- No.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02I asked for it rare.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06And it didn't come back rare.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11- Anyway...- Why don't you do the intro to Jeremy Paxman?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Why do you keep pointing over there?
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Because there's an autocue over there
0:05:14 > 0:05:17and you can read it off and it can be the start of the show.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19- Where it says, "Backchat"? - No, that's...
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Oh, that thing over there?
0:05:20 > 0:05:25- There.- You don't seriously think that I would start reading from that?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28I can't even see it!
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Oh... Can you...?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Oh, can we move it in closer so he can read it?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Just say when you can read it.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39No, keep going.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Are you literally joking?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Right, stop.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46There.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Perfect.
0:05:47 > 0:05:52- "Michael."- No.- "Our fir..."- No.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Michael, that's... Michael is your name.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- That's just to let you know that that's your bit of...- OK!
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- Just read the bit after, "Michael". - Right.
0:06:00 > 0:06:05Our first guest tonight is a man who needs no introduction.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07But I'll give him one anyway.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08He's the...
0:06:08 > 0:06:12It's going far too fast. He's the bearded man...
0:06:12 > 0:06:13- Sorry!- Ridiculous!
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Could you spool it a little bit slower so he can read?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Cos he can't keep up, cos you're going too fast. Sorry.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Nobody could do it that quickly. Why didn't you get somebody...?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24- I mean, your mother?- My mother...
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Hilary... Hilary could have done that properly.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28No, she couldn't, because my mother
0:06:28 > 0:06:30is not a professional autocue operator.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34She could have done it. You know your mother. She's got very strong wrists.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- She would have been very... - Oh, my God.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40She would have been very good at operating that autocue.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43I don't want to hear about my mother's wrists. Seriously.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Just read it and let's bring him out.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- Sir Jeremy Paxman.- He's not a sir!
0:06:52 > 0:06:56- To me, he will always be Sir Jeremy Paxman.- Please welcome Jeremy Paxman!
0:06:56 > 0:06:58CHEERING
0:07:14 > 0:07:18So, this is the problem son you've told me about so many times.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Jeremy, please be nice to me. I'm very nervous.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23This is my first ever interview and you're my interviewee
0:07:23 > 0:07:25and I'm really worried so, please, would you be gentle with me?
0:07:25 > 0:07:29- Of course!- You were quite harsh with Russell Brand.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I wasn't harsh with...!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- Jeremy, already!- Did you see it?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- Yeah, I did. You called... - Why did you say it was harsh?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Cos you called him trivial.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Well, that was after he suggested
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I knitted my beard into my armpit hair!
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Will you not call me trivial this evening, please?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Well, it depends what you say.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50You can earn the title of not being called trivial.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Question number one...
0:07:52 > 0:07:54LAUGHTER
0:07:54 > 0:07:56..who's your favourite member of One Direction?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06The most ludicrous question to ask Jeremy!
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- I know it's a silly question. - Can you ask proper questions now?
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Were you surprised at how much interest people had in that clip?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Was I surprised? No, I wasn't.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19The interesting thing about that Russell Brand business is
0:08:19 > 0:08:21he is right about something.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23He's definitely put his finger on
0:08:23 > 0:08:26the fact that there are vast numbers of people
0:08:26 > 0:08:28who are really turned off by the way that politics operates
0:08:28 > 0:08:30in this country and that's right.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34I think his prescription is wrong.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38- Yep.- But I think he's absolutely right in anatomising something
0:08:38 > 0:08:41that is really going on in society.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43People are disenchanted.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46One of the things you seemed to get a little bit irked by
0:08:46 > 0:08:50was that Russell Brand was saying that he didn't vote.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Yet in an interview with the Radio Times...
0:08:54 > 0:08:55GUN COCKS
0:08:55 > 0:08:59..you said, "In one recent election, I decided not to vote
0:08:59 > 0:09:01"because I thought the choice was so unappetising."
0:09:01 > 0:09:04CANNON BOOMS
0:09:04 > 0:09:06What's changed?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Why don't you do the rest of the quote?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Well, that's the only bit that I had from the quote.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Isn't that what you're meant to do?
0:09:22 > 0:09:26I'll tell you what I think. I think if you can't be bothered to vote,
0:09:26 > 0:09:29you absolutely disqualify yourself
0:09:29 > 0:09:32from passing any comment at all
0:09:32 > 0:09:35on what's happening in society at large,
0:09:35 > 0:09:37in the government, in the statements of politicians.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40It's a very minimal effort to go down to a polling station...
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Sorry to interrupt you, but you wasted your vote last time.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48- I didn't waste my vote, you voted for me!- You voted Green!
0:09:48 > 0:09:50That is a waste of a vote.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53He tried to steal my postal vote and force me to vote Tory
0:09:53 > 0:09:55and I refused to let you do that.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58You said to me, "Do you mind doing it for me and I'll vote Conservative..."
0:09:58 > 0:10:00I did not!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02..and then you changed your mind afterwards and said,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05"Oh, no, I'm Lib Dem or Greens," and all that.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Rubbish.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Because you like, to your fanbase,
0:10:08 > 0:10:13to appear to be sort of slightly socialisty, kind of Greeny...
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Socialisty, Greeny. What the hell are you talking about?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- ..whereas you're a good, old-fashioned Tory.- I'm not!
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Stop outing me as a Tory!
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Sorry I interrupted your conversation.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26I want to ask you about University Challenge.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- I would love to be on University Challenge.- Why?
0:10:29 > 0:10:33You were in university for, what, two terms?
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Then you dropped out.
0:10:34 > 0:10:39He got a very good place at Manchester University, Jeremy,
0:10:39 > 0:10:40reading history of art.
0:10:40 > 0:10:46Two terms later, he's out touring pubs round the north of England,
0:10:46 > 0:10:48telling jokes about his penis.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52And that's what he's done ever since.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01You've got some really stupid answers on University Challenge.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03This is one of my favourites.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Another starter question - the nicknames "cheesemongers",
0:11:06 > 0:11:09"cherrypickers", "Bob's own", "the Emperor's chambermaids"
0:11:09 > 0:11:12and "the Immortals" are or have been used for which groups of men?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- UMIST, Bright.- Homosexuals?
0:11:16 > 0:11:17No...
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Anyone to buzz?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- Balliol, Clark.- Composers?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25No, they're regiments in the British Army.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35I actually belong to that heretical minority that rather likes students.
0:11:35 > 0:11:40- Yeah.- And I like the fact that they give the lie they know amazing things.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44But they cast students in a very positive light.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46I mean, the vast majority of students...
0:11:46 > 0:11:49You speak as someone who didn't even manage to complete a course.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54It is literally like having two of my dads here.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Now, your list of gripes challenges even my father's.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Your list of gripes includes Strictly Come Dancing...
0:12:01 > 0:12:03It's not a gripe. I just wouldn't do it.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07That doesn't mean I don't like it. It's a fantastically produced show.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Big Brother?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Social media.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13I don't have a gripe about...
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Where are you getting all this tripe from?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18It's all from your Wikipedia page.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21Probably written by you.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- Or someone even less educated. - Jeremy!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- AUDIENCE OOHS - Stop being so mean!
0:12:30 > 0:12:34- Very good. No, no...- You were right. - I couldn't agree more.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38- M&S underpants, you did have a gripe with those.- I did.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I was putting my underpants on
0:12:40 > 0:12:42in the gym one day
0:12:42 > 0:12:45and I observed they had a hole in them.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49I then remarked to the other blokes in the changing room,
0:12:49 > 0:12:52"Have any of you noticed Marks & Sparks pants having holes in them?"
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Several of them had.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55What I hadn't reckoned on, of course,
0:12:55 > 0:12:57was I think the pants were probably rather old.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Do you...?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04There should be, clearly, a sell-by or use-by date on your pants,
0:13:04 > 0:13:06shouldn't there? Then you'd know how old they were.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09The problem I have is with the elastic.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- Because I'm very...- Lithe?
0:13:13 > 0:13:14No, I was going to say...
0:13:14 > 0:13:16I shouldn't use this in front of you,
0:13:16 > 0:13:17but I'm quite well hung.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19What the fu...!
0:13:21 > 0:13:24I need...
0:13:24 > 0:13:28I need very strong elasticity, is it called?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30In an underpant.
0:13:30 > 0:13:35Once it starts loosening up, all hell is basically let loose.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Of course, Jack has inherited some very good things from me
0:13:40 > 0:13:42- and that is one that we can... - Stop now.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44We can stop now. We've done enough of that.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48You're actually being very trivial, so we're going to move on.
0:13:48 > 0:13:54- Jeremy, your book, which you have written about the Great War.- Yes.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56People have written about the Great War before.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58What makes your book different?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Now, come on. That was a fucking good question.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04What makes...?
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Well, I mean,
0:14:05 > 0:14:09we come from a generation that's accustomed to...
0:14:09 > 0:14:11all of us in this room,
0:14:11 > 0:14:12is accustomed to pleasing ourselves,
0:14:12 > 0:14:17and I think it's really hard to understand how it was
0:14:17 > 0:14:22that so many people were seduced into this war in 1914, 1915,
0:14:22 > 0:14:25and they kept faith with it right through to 1918,
0:14:25 > 0:14:30and what I wanted to try to understand was why.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34What was the first-person experience of this war?
0:14:34 > 0:14:38- Well, my father, you've very much enjoyed the book.- Hugely.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Brought back a lot of memories for you as an eyewitness...
0:14:42 > 0:14:43..of the Great War.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45It's a really good book and I enjoyed it enormously.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- You're very kind. - As we're talking about books,
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- Jack and I have written a book... - You can't plug our book.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54You can't plug our book. We're on the BBC, you can't plug the book.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58I'm not plugging it, I'm just introducing it to the audience
0:14:58 > 0:15:03and to Jeremy, cos I have a copy here for him.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04The book's called Him And Me.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Half the chapters are written by Jack
0:15:07 > 0:15:10and the other half are written by me.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Now, I know that Jeremy is not going to be interested
0:15:14 > 0:15:17in reading stuff that Jack has written,
0:15:17 > 0:15:21so what I've done is I've filleted all my chapters...
0:15:21 > 0:15:26- Filleted?- ..out of the book and had them specially bound for you...
0:15:26 > 0:15:28You're such a dick.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31..in a book which I've called Me...
0:15:32 > 0:15:35..and which I'd like you to have with my compliments.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38I'd be absolutely thrilled. Thank you very much.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44As people get older, they take different steps to ease
0:15:44 > 0:15:47the impact of the passage of time on their looks.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Some people grow a beard.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53Others, like my father, need something a little more drastic.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55I took him to investigate one of those options.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59I booked an appointment with one of London's top plastic surgeons.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Here's how it went down.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05What's the name of our general practitioner?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I don't know. You're the one who's brought me here.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I don't know what we're doing here.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11I'm very upset that Jack thinks
0:16:11 > 0:16:13that I need to have anything done to my face.
0:16:13 > 0:16:19I think my face, for a more mature man, is almost perfection.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24"Do you drink alcohol?" Of course. That's a bloody stupid question.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Yeah, but if you drink and you do prescription drugs,
0:16:26 > 0:16:28you'll end up like Kerry Katona on This Morning.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Do you want that?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32I don't know who she is.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Are you going to be honest with this drink one?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- Well, I put one unit a day. - One unit a day?- Yeah.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40A unit is not a bottle of red wine.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- Why should I tell the man how much I drink?- Cos he's your doctor.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- He's not going to go around telling everyone.- He's not my doctor.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47I've never met the man.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49I'll put three.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51JACK SNORTS
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Have I ever had a facial herpes infection?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56This is getting really personal.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Have you?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Well, there was that time in Greece...
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Oh, God, I don't want to hear it, actually.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08'He didn't seem to be taking the medical questionnaire seriously
0:17:08 > 0:17:12'and was definitely answering some of the questions incorrectly.'
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Gentleman, thank you very much for coming along. How can I help you?
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Basically, my father's looking a bit old in the face area,
0:17:20 > 0:17:23so I thought we could maybe talk about getting a kind of MOT
0:17:23 > 0:17:24done on that.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27When you said MOT, could you specify a bit more?
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Well, I don't know, I was just thinking his face at rest
0:17:31 > 0:17:33looks like he's just smelled a bad fart.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- All the time.- Ridiculous.
0:17:35 > 0:17:40'It's Jack that I'm worried about. When you think he's only just 25.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44'When he gets to my age, God knows what he's going to look like.'
0:17:44 > 0:17:45Patrick, tell it to me straight -
0:17:45 > 0:17:48is this what I've got to look forward to?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51That depends very much on how you lead your lifestyle.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- The ageing process is very complex. - Oh...
0:17:54 > 0:17:57What I'd like to do is just illustrate some of the areas
0:17:57 > 0:17:59that I think that we can improve upon.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01So, let's start with the eyelids.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05'Patrick was doing all of his pen shit on my dad and then I notice
0:18:05 > 0:18:09'there was one part of his face that he'd carelessly overlooked.'
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Can I just suggest as well, if you don't mind, Daddy,
0:18:12 > 0:18:18if you took out some of the skin here and just thinned that area,
0:18:18 > 0:18:20and then pulled it in a bit there...
0:18:21 > 0:18:24..you might get a more youthful mouth area.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Yeah, I think that's probably not a good idea.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31It's not really a conventional approach and I don't think
0:18:31 > 0:18:35it's going to contribute to Michael's overall rejuvenation.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36- Look.- No, I don't think so.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40I think we've probably done enough of this now, to be honest.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44So, Patrick, can you work out some sort of price for this?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- I'll get that information and then I'll get back to you.- OK, thank you.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Thanks.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57OK, gents,
0:18:57 > 0:19:00you'd be looking at something like this for all of it included.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Oh, thanks, Jack.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Oh, shit.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15Total waste of time. Complete con artist.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Taxi!
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Um, maybe don't put your arm up like that.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Now it's time for my next guest.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31The greatest actor of his generation.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34His performances are so delicate, they come with a sign saying,
0:19:34 > 0:19:35"Handle with care".
0:19:35 > 0:19:38His range is so broad that when it travels on a plane,
0:19:38 > 0:19:40it requires two tickets
0:19:40 > 0:19:42and his delivery is so poetic
0:19:42 > 0:19:45that it has won a Noble Prize for Literature.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Please welcome acting deus
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Dame Danny Dyer.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52CHEERING
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Are you sure about this? I mean, this is very, very surreal.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Have your paths ever crossed before?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- No.- No, this is a rare opportunity. - Don't lie.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21I've seen him down Stringfellows once.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Out of his nut, he was. Out of his nut.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Danny, a very busy man,
0:20:26 > 0:20:28so we very much appreciate you coming on the show.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32I'm very excited to have the two hardest men on television
0:20:32 > 0:20:33on the same sofa tonight.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35And then my dad, who's not hard,
0:20:35 > 0:20:37but then a lot of men his age suffer from that kind of a problem.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Now, we're going to talk about your film.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43- You've got a new film out, Vendetta.- Vendetta.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Like many of your films, it is a Regency comedy.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- Yes, yes.- It's not, is it? It's like a revenge flick.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51It's a vigilante movie, it's like a remake of Death Wish.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53It sort of raises the question of
0:20:53 > 0:20:56if you had your parents horrifically murdered,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59taken away from you, someone you love and cherish,
0:20:59 > 0:21:04- and you were a highly trained killer, SAS, me...- Yep.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05..and they get away with it,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07would you take the law into your own hands?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Because I know I fucking would. I don't know about you, Paxman.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I think of little else.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18I think if people took my father away...
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- We have a clip of Vendetta. - Whack it on.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29That's how you tee up a clip - "whack it on".
0:21:29 > 0:21:30You know Jimmy Vickers, don't you?
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Yeah.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34You know what they did to his mum and dad?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Jimmy, you know, when they told me what happened,
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I couldn't believe it.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43There's nothing to stop them doing it again.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44There's me.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48He'll finish these guys and then...
0:21:49 > 0:21:51..he'll vanish.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52He's SAS.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55It's a problem you do not want on your streets.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Let me go, man, please!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59If you want to take a stand, you've got to be tall.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Taller than you've ever been.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04WHOOPING
0:22:04 > 0:22:07MICHAEL MURMURS PRAISE
0:22:09 > 0:22:12There's some quite violent interrogation scenes in the film.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Talk us through some of the stuff that you...
0:22:15 > 0:22:19My job in the SAS is that I'm an interrogator,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22so that's my speciality, so I come up with the most creative deaths.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25I get them back one by one. There's five of these hoodies.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28They all get it differently.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31I think my favourite one is probably the cement down the throat.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33- That's a good 'un.- Oh!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35No, listen, he's a wrong 'un, this kid. Don't feel for him.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I sort of capture them, I tie them up.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40They sort of come round tied to a chair
0:22:40 > 0:22:43and I have a little speech to them to explain to them who I am
0:22:43 > 0:22:44- and why they're there.- Yep.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Very calm, very nice. And then I do something horrific to them.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51And at one point, someone makes a glib remark about your beard
0:22:51 > 0:22:52and you call them trivial.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55There's everything there that you do.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57And your daughter's in the film.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Yeah, she's in it. She wants to be an actor. It's a tough job.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03It's a lot of rejection and heartbreak and, you know,
0:23:03 > 0:23:05she's a teenage girl, so she's...
0:23:05 > 0:23:08She doesn't take it too well if she doesn't get the part,
0:23:08 > 0:23:09as none of us do.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12For every one part I get, I lose out on 20 and it hurts,
0:23:12 > 0:23:14but you've got to be more determined.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- Are you a protective father to your...?- Yes, course I am.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Who isn't?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21If she...
0:23:21 > 0:23:24If she brings back a boyfriend, what are you like with the boyfriend?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I'd be quite scared to meet Danny Dyer.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Listen, I'm sweet with him.
0:23:27 > 0:23:32As long as a tear never drops from her fucking eye,
0:23:32 > 0:23:33we're going to be good friends.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37So, you just say that to him, and it's just...
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- I could do it in a look. - Say I came home and I was...
0:23:40 > 0:23:43OK, so you walked in, I'd just be like that,
0:23:43 > 0:23:44you get blanked straight away.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47I'm blanking you. I'm looking at the telly and I just go...
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Oh, dear God, that is quite... - And then pipe away again.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- So it's like a little pipe. - It's a little pipe.- A pipe.
0:23:54 > 0:23:59- Which is a look.- Yeah.- And then look away, then have another look.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03- Right?- Yeah.- And then say fuck-all to him, do you know what I mean?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05- So he knows.- And he knows in that moment, if a tear...
0:24:05 > 0:24:07And then maybe he'll go to take his coat off and I'd give him
0:24:07 > 0:24:10another little look and go, "Don't take your coat off!"
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- Don't take your coat off? - "Don't take your coat off.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15"Who the fuck do you think you are, taking your coat off in my house?!"
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- Is your house very cold?- Freezing.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22If you'd misbehaved, Jack, and you came home,
0:24:22 > 0:24:25which of these two fathers would you be most scared of?
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Well, that's the thing, I think Jeremy would be more
0:24:30 > 0:24:35psychological torment and you'd break me down gradually.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37And he'd just break you.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- It'd just be a simple... - There'd be no dialogue from me.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43- Just be a quick nutting. - Yeah, just a quick nut.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46I like that, he's getting into it now, see.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50In fact, you work very well as a kind of good cop, bad cop,
0:24:50 > 0:24:51in a household.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Who's the good cop?
0:24:53 > 0:24:57OK, bad cop, naughty cop.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00You've had it really easy with me.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02I mean, have I ever nutted you?
0:25:05 > 0:25:09I wouldn't even know what it was or what it meant.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11You don't know what..? You must know what nutting is.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Well, when I was a boy, it was something quite different.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Don't!
0:25:16 > 0:25:21Now, I'm going to talk to you about EastEnders.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Everyone who's a fan of EastEnders is very excited
0:25:24 > 0:25:26- that you are joining the show.- Yeah.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27So talk me through it,
0:25:27 > 0:25:30you get a call on the dog and bone from your agent.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- On the old dog. On the old dog. - Could you Adam and Eve it?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Did you run straight up the apples and pears
0:25:36 > 0:25:38to tell your trouble and strife
0:25:38 > 0:25:40or was it down the rub-a-dub-dub to have a few pig's ears
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- with your china plates, that's mates.- Well done.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55- Eloquently delivered, that was. - Fluent in Cockney.- Beautiful.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Yeah, it was a moment for me.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I think I was inevitably going to go there.
0:26:00 > 0:26:05- I think it was inevitable, really. - Jeremy, are you a fan of EastEnders?
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- Do you watch the show? - I have seen it.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11I can't count myself as a regular viewer, no.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- More Emmerdale.- People seem so aggressive in it, don't they?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Poor Danny's clearly going to lighten it up.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh
0:26:21 > 0:26:23were once made to go around the set of EastEnders
0:26:23 > 0:26:27and Prince Philip is said to have remarked to the producer, he said,
0:26:27 > 0:26:31"I don't really understand EastEnders.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34"Your Cockney's a cheery chappy, isn't he?"
0:26:34 > 0:26:35He didn't get it at all.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39- What, he felt they were too aggressive on the show?- Yes.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- I'm honoured. It's an honour, to be fair...- Oh, I'm not...
0:26:42 > 0:26:44I'm coming in and.... Good.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46I'm coming in and...
0:26:46 > 0:26:48What are you going to do about it?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Are we going to have a tear-up? Me and Paxman?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53That's telly, innit?
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Yeah, that would be telly, if you two had a full-on fight
0:26:55 > 0:26:57and Paxman nutted you on your pipe.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01And then the old man sticks the boot in, you know what I mean?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Now, Danny...
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Danny, you say you're very excited to be in EastEnders...
0:27:08 > 0:27:09GUN COCKS
0:27:09 > 0:27:13..yet in an interview in 2009, you said you would only join the show
0:27:13 > 0:27:15when you're fat, bald and 50.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17CANNON BOOMS
0:27:25 > 0:27:27I don't even remember saying that, though.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30I don't remember saying that. I've said so many stupid things.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Are there any storyline exclusives you can give us
0:27:33 > 0:27:35about EastEnders, cos I'm sure the fans tuning in will be excited.
0:27:35 > 0:27:40You know that I do like to speak my mind and be honest,
0:27:40 > 0:27:42but my hands are tied.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45I just can't really tell you.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49You will be surprised, though, at my character. It's not obvious.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51All right, I'm a Cockney and all that,
0:27:51 > 0:27:53but I'm not what you think I'm going to be.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Jeremy, he seems to be evading the question.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59How would you suggest that I get the information out of Mr Dyer?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02It's probably not even been written yet, has it?
0:28:02 > 0:28:04I mean, your character's been sketched out,
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- but are all the storylines there? - You shoot 12 episodes at a time.
0:28:07 > 0:28:08- You're three months in advance. - Oh, really?
0:28:08 > 0:28:10So you've already filmed some of it?
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Is he trying to get the thing out of me now? Is this a move?
0:28:13 > 0:28:14No. You've already filmed some of it?
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Yeah, I've been doing it for a month, yeah.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20- And we'll be surprised?- Yes.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23- What aspect will surprise us? - Will you watch it, though?
0:28:26 > 0:28:28I'm not fucking stupid. I know what he's doing.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32I'm all over this. I'm all over it.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37I'll leave you two to exchange details.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41- I'm sure you'll be meeting up after the show.- Yeah, we'll swap digits.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43- Swap digits.- Digits?
0:28:43 > 0:28:45- No, no, no, numbers.- Numbers.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Thought things were looking up there for a moment.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56A big round of applause to both of my wonderful guests this evening.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59CHEERING
0:28:59 > 0:29:01This has been Backchat.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03Join me next week, with my guests Gary Lineker
0:29:03 > 0:29:04and the cast of Geordie Shore.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06Good night.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd