0:00:01 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Oh, I needed this face mask. My skin is so dry.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10That's the problem with being on camera so much,
0:00:10 > 0:00:13is that you can just see your pores.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16It's like they're screaming out to me, "Close me, Jack. Close me."
0:00:16 > 0:00:20I mean, what I really need is just to book in a spa day.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22You know, have a little bit of me time.
0:00:22 > 0:00:26Go in for the full body MOT. I'm talking manicure.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30I'm talking pedicure. I'm talking chemical peel.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33I mean, I've even been thinking about getting a Boyzilian.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37I've even been thinking of disinheriting you.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44I blame your mother. I just despair.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49I'd better have another bottle of this very inadequate wine.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Thank you.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53(I don't know. I really don't.)
0:00:53 > 0:00:56It's called show business, Father.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Piss off.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01LAUGHTER
0:01:16 > 0:01:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Good evening and welcome to Backchat,
0:01:25 > 0:01:27the show I host with my father.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Now, for those of you that don't know my father,
0:01:30 > 0:01:33I apologise in advance for anything he might say this evening.
0:01:33 > 0:01:38His views are a little left-field. So...you have been warned.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41What do you mean, LEFT-field?
0:01:41 > 0:01:42LAUGHTER
0:01:42 > 0:01:46You're the leftie bit of this family. Yes, you are.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48OK, my father's views are very right-field.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Extreme, far-right-field.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53He's basically the only man in the world that, were he to meet
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Prince Philip, Philip would be like, "Bloody hell, he's a bit un-PC."
0:01:56 > 0:02:00You're not going to make rude remarks about the royal family, are you?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- It was a little joke. - Just leave Prince Philip alone.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07- And the Queen. And Prince Charles. - We pay for them, they're fair game.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- No, you don't pay for them. They pay for themselves.- We do!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12They pay for themselves a million times over.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13LAUGHTER
0:02:13 > 0:02:16So, on tonight's show we have some very exciting guests.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Later on, we're going to be chatting to some of the stars of
0:02:19 > 0:02:21MTV's hit reality show Geordie Shore.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23APPLAUSE
0:02:26 > 0:02:29My father's particularly excited about that, aren't you?
0:02:29 > 0:02:34- Have you seen Geordie Shore? - Never, ever heard of Geordie Shore.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Have you been to Newcastle before?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- No.- What's the furthest north you've ever been?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Worcester.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Worcester's the furthest north you've ever been?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- You went to school in Yorkshire. - Yeah.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48That is further north than Worcester.
0:02:48 > 0:02:53But I never went in to Yorkshire, as it were. And...
0:02:53 > 0:02:59We used to go up from King's Cross Station to York in a private train.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Whoa! You went to school on a private train from King's Cross?
0:03:03 > 0:03:07Did you have to run through a wall to get to the platform?
0:03:07 > 0:03:12We went up to York station. And then we got out...
0:03:12 > 0:03:14And then Hagrid put you in the boat.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15LAUGHTER
0:03:15 > 0:03:19And then we spent the term there. And then we came back at the end of term.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21To the Muggles.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25We've also got another guest coming on the show this evening.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28We've got some sporting royalty. We've got...
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Princess Anne!
0:03:31 > 0:03:32LAUGHTER
0:03:32 > 0:03:35You've got Princess Anne, haven't you? I know.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37She's not a sportswoman.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40She's the most brilliant horsewoman of her generation.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Horsewoman?!
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- She is!- She's an equestrian. - Yes, well, it's the same thing.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48A horsewoman. I know she looks a bit like a horse, but...
0:03:48 > 0:03:49GASPS AND LAUGHTER
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- No, no.- I thought you didn't want royal family jokes?!
0:03:51 > 0:03:54No, no. I didn't say that. I didn't say that. I'm sorry.
0:03:54 > 0:03:55So why am I not allowed...?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Get your editing man to take that out.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Get my editing man to take it out. That's how they take it out.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- With that...- I think you're back at Hogwarts again.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05LAUGHTER
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Expelliarmus!
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- No, we have Gary Lineker on the show.- Ah.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11APPLAUSE
0:04:13 > 0:04:17- You know Gary Lineker. - What, the crisp man?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19No, not the crisp man. The England legend.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22One of the greatest strikers this country has ever produced.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23Not the crisp man.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25He was the man who put that, you know...
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Smith's Crisps that my mother used to insist that we always ate.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32They had little blue things with the salt in them.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34This is meant to be...
0:04:34 > 0:04:37And then he started selling crisps for this other company.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- Yeah, we...- And put poor old Smith's out of business.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42We're not here to talk about Smith's Crisps!
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Right, enough about crisps. Let's meet the man himself.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48He's one of the greatest players this country has ever produced.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52Would you please give a warm welcome to crisp man, Gary Lineker.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54APPLAUSE
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- Gary, thank you very much for coming onto the show.- Pleasure.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Now, I'm going to start with football.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16My thing with Match Of The Day, when I watch it, is I always think
0:05:16 > 0:05:19around you, everything is kind of falling into disrepair.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21It's like a pensioner's garden.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Shearer is getting balder every episode.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25Lawrenson, I don't know
0:05:25 > 0:05:29whether his collars are getting bigger or his head is shrinking.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Some of the shirts he wears on that show...
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- They're quite spectacular, aren't they?- He's your friend!
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Why don't you say, "You can't wear that"?
0:05:35 > 0:05:39- I do.- You do?- In fact, I had a sneaky look.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40He has a few shirts hanging up
0:05:40 > 0:05:43and they were quite clearly Lawro's shirts.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46And I thought, "Where does he get these shirts from?"
0:05:46 > 0:05:51And the tag in it...it was Roberto Mancini.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52LAUGHTER
0:05:52 > 0:05:56So I said to him, "Did you get your shirts from Roberto Mancini?"
0:05:56 > 0:05:59He said, "Yeah, and he doesn't charge me."
0:05:59 > 0:06:03And I thought, "No, I'm sure!" No-one would buy them, Lawro!
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- It's a practical joke.- But it's apparently not the same bloke
0:06:06 > 0:06:08that used to manage Manchester City.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- That would be a weird sideline. - It's really bizarre.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15You're amazing on Match Of The Day. That is where we know you from now.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17But you're in the comfort of the studio,
0:06:17 > 0:06:20you were a great player, do you miss the buzz of playing?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22I think the one thing that's irreplaceable is
0:06:22 > 0:06:25the incredible feeling of scoring a goal.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28It's like an explosion of different emotions.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Of joy and relief, of all sorts of different things.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34And the winning of a big game as well.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37That's something that you can't replace with anything else.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- You started at Leicester City.- Yeah.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42And we have a connection to Leicester City
0:06:42 > 0:06:46because my mother, Hilary Whitehall, massive Leicester City fan...
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- Good for her.- ..was obsessed with you as a young lady.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- I mean, she...- Is that why Michael's not speaking to me?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I think that's why, as soon as you came on, there was
0:06:54 > 0:06:59a certain kind of frostiness. Not that he's ever warm or friendly.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- I think it is...- Oh, charming!
0:07:01 > 0:07:05I've got a lot of questions I'd like to ask Gary, but you're boring
0:07:05 > 0:07:08the pants off everyone with all this football stuff.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12I want to know more of the personal side.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- This isn't a sports show. - I know it's not a sports show
0:07:15 > 0:07:18but I thought it would relax Gary by talking about sport.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22I didn't want to just go in and say, "My mum loves you."
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Sorry. It's your show.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27You were, in the day, pretty hot shit.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29And the stats speak for themselves.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33I did my research - Wikipedia - so this could all be bullshit.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38- Probably.- You started at Leicester. 103 goals in 216 appearances.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41You moved to Everton. Top scorer, player of the year.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44'86 World Cup, you get the Golden Boot. Transferred to Barcelona.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Cheeky Copa Del Rey. European Cup Winners' Cup.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49This is how amazing Gary is, though.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52At the height of his career, everything's going amazingly,
0:07:52 > 0:07:56he turns his back on Barcelona to devote the rest of his career
0:07:56 > 0:07:58to charity work.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01He comes back to England and plays for a team called Spurs.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02LAUGHTER
0:08:02 > 0:08:04For those of you who don't know much about football,
0:08:04 > 0:08:06they are a few rungs above a pub team.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Now, that - that was an amazing sacrifice to make
0:08:09 > 0:08:11- when it was all going so well. - Hmm. I know.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13How did it feel to come back
0:08:13 > 0:08:16and play with all those disadvantaged people?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Um, well, playing with Gazza WAS tough, yeah.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21One of my favourite facts,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24that I thought would appeal to certain members of this
0:08:24 > 0:08:27audience, is that you were born on the same day as Winston Churchill.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31- Different year.- Different year!- But, yeah, I share the same birthday.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34And therefore have the middle name of Winston.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- Winston Lineker would have been so much better.- I know.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39I often think it's a much better name than Gary, isn't it?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- Yeah.- 1874...
0:08:41 > 0:08:4330th of November.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45You know Winston Churchill's birthday?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47I bet you don't even know my birthday.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- Yes, I do.- What's my birthday? - LAUGHTER
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Um...
0:08:52 > 0:08:53What is it?
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- February.- February?- Yeah.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- July the 7th.- Yeah. Feb...July the 7th.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02What I was going to say about Winston,
0:09:02 > 0:09:06because I'm a huge Winston...fan...
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- Fan girl.- That's not quite the right word.- Groupie.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13You must have been the only white man to be called Winston since...
0:09:13 > 0:09:16AWKWARD LAUGHTER
0:09:16 > 0:09:18..since Winston, really.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20And the show comes off air.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Thank you very much. This has been the end of Backchat.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28It was a very short-lived series, but we enjoyed it while it lasted.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Please send your complaints to Ofcom, I've been Jack Whitehall, good night.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37You watch Match Of The Day, quite a lot of alpha males.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42Quite a lot of silverbacks. It's got you, Hansen, Shearer.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44I do imagine there is that camaraderie with Match Of The Day.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47A bit like after you've had a hard record,
0:09:47 > 0:09:51you still keep it like you're the team. Communal shower.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Bit of banter. You slapping Hansen's arse with a wet towel.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58I think that's only happened a couple of times.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03In amongst all of that, you seem to just look younger every series.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06You do, Gary! You look amazing! What's the secret?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I'm not going to argue.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12I think you're like a fine wine, you've got better with age.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16- Aw, that's very kind of you.- This is a photo of you as a young man.
0:10:16 > 0:10:21- From that, which is OK, but I don't think classically handsome.- No.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25To this. Boom! Sun's out, guns out.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27LAUGHTER AND WHISTLES
0:10:27 > 0:10:28That is such a sexy couple.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32But if I may have a word with you, because you've got a very,
0:10:32 > 0:10:36very attractive younger wife, and I had the same.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Well, I still do have the same.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41But where you've got this to look forward to
0:10:41 > 0:10:47is the benefit of having a younger wife when you're getting near my age.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Because then you've got somebody to carry the heavy shopping.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53LAUGHTER
0:10:53 > 0:10:55The heavy suitcases on holiday.
0:10:57 > 0:11:02The car puncture. Out of the car, fixes the puncture.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03LAUGHTER
0:11:03 > 0:11:07And, dare I say, in the bedroom.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10OK, we don't, we don't....
0:11:10 > 0:11:12We don't want to hear about in the bedroom.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13With you and my mother.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17- In the bedroom, light bulb goes out...- Thank God!
0:11:17 > 0:11:22- She's up the ladder, changes the light bulb...- Phew!
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Thank you, I thought you were going somewhere different.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26And the sex is good too.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Sorry.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Gary, you have an amazing relationship with your kids.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42But some families are not so lucky.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46The relationship between a father and son can be fraught.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Which is why on this series, I'm trying to find some new
0:11:48 > 0:11:51ways for me and my father to bond.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53This week, after years of him nagging,
0:11:53 > 0:11:57I finally decided to take him up on his offer of driving lessons.
0:11:57 > 0:12:02I think it's very, very important that you learn to drive, OK.
0:12:02 > 0:12:08- Yeah.- I mean, you're 23, aren't you? - I'm 25.- Oh, yeah, you're 25.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11I mean, how many people do you know who are 25 and can't drive?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- It's ridiculous.- I have wanted to learn to drive for a while.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17But everyone that I've told about this has told me that
0:12:17 > 0:12:20getting your father to instruct you is one of the worst ideas ever.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22HORN BEEPS
0:12:22 > 0:12:24I thought this was meant to be you teaching me to drive?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26It'll all be fine.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Hello, Jack. Nice to meet you. My name's Vanda.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Oh, this is going to be a disaster.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37When I first saw her get out of the car, I already got the impression
0:12:37 > 0:12:40that she probably knew a great deal less about driving than I did.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43OK, Jack, have you ever driven a car before?
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Um...I've played a lot of Grand Theft Auto.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50What I'm going to do, I'm going to run through the controls with you.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52If you look down on the ground there, on the floor,
0:12:52 > 0:12:55we've got three pedals. OK?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58We'll begin by pushing that clutch down.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00And then just steer out to the left.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Good, nicely done there. Straighten up to the right.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Straighten up to the right.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09ENGINE STOPS
0:13:09 > 0:13:11What's happened there, Jack, we've stalled the car.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12And that does happen.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14What are you doing?!
0:13:14 > 0:13:17It was a mistake, I thought there was a dog coming out.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Absolutely useless.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23This morning I was feeling very positive about it,
0:13:23 > 0:13:24but right from the outset,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27I found that my father's attitude was pretty lousy.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30I have to say, and I don't want this to sound conceited,
0:13:30 > 0:13:35but I think I was a huge benefit to both Jack and the driving instructor.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I mean, God knows what would have happened there
0:13:37 > 0:13:39if I'd just let the two of them out on their own.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Jack, the wipers are going. Do you want to turn them off.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- No, can we just do it when we...? - This is hopeless!
0:13:44 > 0:13:48- I'm doing very well.- No, you're not. - You're doing really well, Jack.- See?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51- Concentrate. He's doing very well. - That's very much a matter of opinion.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Can you stop giving me such bad stuff!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56I don't think there's any point in you carrying on.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58We're on the wrong side of the road, Jack.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59You're not even looking at the road.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I can't follow the road if you keep talking at me.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03You're on the wrong side of the road.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- I can't concentrate with you... - Van coming round the corner!
0:14:06 > 0:14:09There's a van coming now. This is getting completely out of control.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13There's obviously one major problem with this whole set-up.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I don't see how this is going to help.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Of course it can help. We're driving much better now.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Right, you're going to do an immediate left here.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29No, not in here.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32This is somebody's driveway.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35You said left, so I turned left.
0:14:35 > 0:14:40Yes, I meant turn left into a street. Not into the Wilsons' drive.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- I don't... - Can you back out?- OK. What do I do?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46I don't know. Just do the reverse thing.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49What my father can't seem to comprehend is that
0:14:49 > 0:14:52shouting at me doesn't make it any easier.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55I blame him entirely for what happened on that road
0:14:55 > 0:14:57where there was the pile-up.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Stay left.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Quick. Now stop. You've got to stop. That's it.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01HORN BEEPS
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- Now first gear.- Oh, shit.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- Clutch down, first gear. - HORNS BEEP
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- First gear!- Yeah, I know. - It's where it says one!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10It's so obvious!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Oh, God!
0:15:13 > 0:15:14This is an absolute nightmare.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Yeah, but we got there in the end. And that's the important thing.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21The problem, Jack, with you, is that you just don't concentrate.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24That's because I had to have you in the passenger seat.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27I don't know whether you want to drive or not, really.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Careful! Stop! Stop! BRAKES SCREECH
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Stop, for God's sake!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33MICHAEL SIGHS
0:15:40 > 0:15:42LAUGHTER
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Yeah.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Of course, I also would like to say a massive thank you to my wonderful
0:15:57 > 0:16:00and very brave driving instructor, Vanda, who is here this evening.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04- APPLAUSE - Sorry, Vanda.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07We did our best, Vanda, but it was a bridge too far.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Our next guests are from Newcastle.
0:16:10 > 0:16:15Their show has been described by one newspaper as a...
0:16:15 > 0:16:19"gaudy kaleidoscope of six-packs, shots, fights,
0:16:19 > 0:16:23"simulated fellatio and exposed breasts".
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Ladies and gentlemen, it's Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27No, it's a joke.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29It's not. It's not.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32Good one.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Uh, no. Of course, it's Holly, Scott and Marnie from Geordie Shore.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41APPLAUSE
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- Nice to see you.- Thank you.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Hi. How are you?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53INDISTINCT CHAT
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- Hello.- Hello.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Thank you so much for coming onto the show.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01I absolutely love Geordie Shore. I am totally addicted.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Thank you so much for making the show, because without it,
0:17:04 > 0:17:06I wouldn't know how to go on in life.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09I have to point out to fans of the show who are watching,
0:17:09 > 0:17:12you'll notice we don't have the whole cast here this evening.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14We're very lucky to have you guys here.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16It's quite complicated politics with this show.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Gary won't come on with Charlotte cos she has history with Gary.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Ricci wouldn't come on with Charlotte and Gary,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24but only if she was on with Vicky.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Charlotte wouldn't come on with Ricci, but not if he was with Gary.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29And Vicky didn't want to come on with anyone.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Why can't you guys all just get along?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- I do. I get on with everyone fine. - You get on with everyone fine?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Only cos he sits on the fence all the time
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- and won't get involved in arguments. - Really?- Yeah, he's a proper fencer.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- A fencer?- What's a fencer?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44A fencer? What, you mean...?
0:17:44 > 0:17:48We used to do fencing at Ampleforth.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49LAUGHTER
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Can I ask as well a delicate question?
0:17:51 > 0:17:55I do watch the show and just to refresh my memory,
0:17:55 > 0:18:01of those sat on the sofa this evening, who has courted who?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Gary, you're not necessarily involved.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I'm not the Gary that you mentioned in any of those,
0:18:08 > 0:18:10I think you should make that clear.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14That is not... Yeah, Gary hasn't had any history with Charlotte.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- And was very happy to come on with Vicky.- I'm sure she's very nice.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I'm sure she's very nice. Have you seen Geordie Shore?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23I think I saw about five minutes once.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Did you like it?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26I...I....
0:18:26 > 0:18:27LAUGHTER
0:18:32 > 0:18:34It's brilliant.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35He hasn't seen the show.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38How would you describe it to a Geordie Shore virgin?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Which is, I think, an oxymoron.
0:18:40 > 0:18:45Basically, a bunch of boys and girls living in a house, getting drunk
0:18:45 > 0:18:48and having sex with each other.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52It sounds a less posh version of your flat.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55LAUGHTER
0:18:55 > 0:18:58No, but I watch this show a lot, and I've watched it from the beginning.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I was so honoured when a tweet I'd done
0:19:00 > 0:19:03was used in the promotional stuff for one of the series.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I described it as being like...
0:19:05 > 0:19:06I said...
0:19:08 > 0:19:10LAUGHTER
0:19:10 > 0:19:12That's a good show, Downton Abbey.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14I've seen that.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17We've got a little clip from the show that we're going to show you.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- Just to show you how similar it is to Downton Abbey.- Yes, OK.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Scott didn't pull last night.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27So tonight, he's definitely in with a chance.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35So I'm shaving my fairy for Scott. It's had no attention for ages.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37And my mam said always be prepared.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51So Marnie is dry-shaving her fairy in the room, right next to me.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54And, like, I don't think I can really deal with this right now.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58MARNIE SIGHS
0:20:00 > 0:20:02APPLAUSE
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Are you OK?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Father, what did you make of that?
0:20:10 > 0:20:14I didn't understand the bit about shaving a fairy.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Is there a gay man in there somewhere?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- Oh, my God! - There's gay baiting going on there.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23It's the other meaning of...
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Fairy Liquid, the... LAUGHTER
0:20:26 > 0:20:29That your mother uses for the washing-up.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Let's not get into my mother's fairy, please.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Let's move on.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35I love watching that. It's pretty outrageous.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37I mean, do your parents watch it?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- Yeah, I watch it with my mum. - My mum loves it.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- You watch that with your mum?! - I watch it with my mum.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43My mum's really laid-back.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Things like this just don't bother her at all.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47But, Holly, from watching the show,
0:20:47 > 0:20:51you do have the reputation for being the most outrageous.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Do you think? I don't think I'm that bad.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57What do you think is the most outrageous thing you've done on the show?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- Is there any moment where you've gone...? - HE GROANS
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Yeah, probably. Now I don't think anything's that bad
0:21:02 > 0:21:04because we've kind of all done everything
0:21:04 > 0:21:07we could've possibly done to embarrass ourselves.
0:21:07 > 0:21:12But probably the first time I was in the hot-tub and I flashed my boobs.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Now I wouldn't be that bothered, but when it first came out,
0:21:15 > 0:21:18like, no-one had really done that on telly.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20And it was the front page of every single newspaper.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23My dad didn't really know what I was going into,
0:21:23 > 0:21:26and he looked at the paper and there's me with my boobs out.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Scott, I want to pick you up on something you said in an interview.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33You said, "If Gary has a degree in banging birds..."
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I'll point out again, not Gary Lineker.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36Appreciate that.
0:21:36 > 0:21:41"If Gary has a degree in banging birds then I've got a PhD in it."
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Where is this uni? Cos I would so love to do this course.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50I can't believe that you're making gags about university.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- When I think how you disappointed me. - Oh, Father!
0:21:53 > 0:21:56We spent a huge amount of money on his education.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58We don't want to hear about me.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00He went to a very good school.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03And then he went to Manchester University.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04I didn't want to get a degree.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Wasted all that time at university, you came back with nothing.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Well, apart from the clap.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11LAUGHTER
0:22:11 > 0:22:13And his sister...
0:22:13 > 0:22:16APPLAUSE
0:22:16 > 0:22:18And his sister, Molly...
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Why have you got my sister's Bachelor of Arts on the show?
0:22:21 > 0:22:25Because she went on, she stayed at Manchester,
0:22:25 > 0:22:29and she got a Bachelor of Arts degree in philosophy.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31This show is not about Molly.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35We don't want to go there about Molly not having a boyfriend, do we?
0:22:35 > 0:22:39- Get her at Geordie Shore. - That's what crossed my mind.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42LAUGHTER
0:22:42 > 0:22:44You're literally pimping your daughter off to
0:22:44 > 0:22:46one of Geordie Shore.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48She won't be... This boy seems really charming.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51I am actually quite charming.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Well, I mean, if you would be interested,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57I have actually jotted down a couple of questions here.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01If you would be interested in at least going out with Molly.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05There's a picture of Molly, incidentally.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Why the fuck have the lights gone down?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11There's a photograph of Molly in her...
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- She's pretty! - She's pretty, isn't she?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- I actually quite like her. - What are you doing?!
0:23:16 > 0:23:17These are for Scott.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Obviously they're for Scott. This is weird!
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Molly is looking for a steady boyfriend.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27So this would be a good opportunity to try and put the two together.
0:23:29 > 0:23:36What are your projected earnings for the year ending 2015?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39That's the end of next year. Roughly.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I think it would be a reasonable amount.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44A reasonable amount. Right. OK.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47- Wh-Wh-What?!- A tick.- A tick?
0:23:47 > 0:23:51What is the extent of your property and investment portfolio?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Say again, sorry?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55- What is the extent... - Have you got a house?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58..of your property and investment portfolio?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Gary, could you be the interpreter?
0:24:01 > 0:24:05- Have I got a house? Yes.- Yes?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07I'm assuming that you're a virgin.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10LAUGHTER
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Not quite.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15You can't be "quite". You're either a virgin or you're not a virgin.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18You can't be "quite" a virgin.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22What's "quite" a virgin?
0:24:22 > 0:24:24There's just some things I haven't tried.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26LAUGHTER
0:24:27 > 0:24:29APPLAUSE
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Has he passed the test? Will he be allowed to take Molly on a date?
0:24:34 > 0:24:38What about just a date, but nothing more than that?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41And I'd be on the date, rather like that driving lesson.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43I'd be sitting in the back.
0:24:44 > 0:24:49- Do you think Scott would be a good boyfriend for a young girl?- No.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52I think he could show her a good time. But not boyfriend material.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Not boyfriend material.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Not even a good time!
0:24:57 > 0:24:59GASPS AND LAUGHTER
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Wait a minute!
0:25:03 > 0:25:06So he wasn't as fun as he makes out he is?
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- I mean, I can't really remember. - Yes, you can!
0:25:09 > 0:25:11The whole house can remember.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14The whole house? What, including Gaz and Ricci and...?
0:25:14 > 0:25:15No, they just overheard.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Holly makes a lot of noise.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22They superimposed that part in.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Oh, really?
0:25:23 > 0:25:27What, do you have to put on the sex noises afterwards sometimes?
0:25:27 > 0:25:30They do kind of come naturally, I suppose.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Now, Gary, you've sat here
0:25:34 > 0:25:38and probably think all this kind of behaviour is very unseemly.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41I'm just thinking that I've cultivated a decent image for
0:25:41 > 0:25:45the last 30 years and it's just been completely destroyed in one show.
0:25:45 > 0:25:50Some of the behaviour on Geordie Shore is all very uncouth.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54And some would say, at times, maybe a little bit vulgar.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57And you, as a national treasure, would obviously never do
0:25:57 > 0:26:01- anything vulgar in front of millions of people.- Hmmm.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05You know exactly where I'm going. Your face as soon as I started
0:26:05 > 0:26:08trying to drive the conversation in this direction,
0:26:08 > 0:26:10you didn't look particularly happy.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12But I have to talk about it because it fascinates me.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14- Italia '90.- Yes.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18The opening game of the group stages, England are playing Ireland.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- I...- 19 minutes into the game, talk us through what happens.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25National treasure Gary Lineker, who has a reputation as good as gold.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27I wasn't very well.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31I hadn't been very well the night before.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34The game started and after a little while
0:26:34 > 0:26:36I was starting to get a few stomach pains.
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Then in the second half,
0:26:37 > 0:26:41I came out, started cramping again after 15, 20 minutes.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45The ball goes down the Republic of Ireland's left-hand side.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I came over, tried to tackle the fullback,
0:26:48 > 0:26:50which in itself is ridiculous.
0:26:50 > 0:26:55But as I did, I slid along the grass and I inadvertently relaxed.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57LAUGHTER
0:26:57 > 0:27:00And it was a messy scene.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Even in Geordie Shore, you'd describe this as a messy scene.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05You didn't...?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07- I... Yes.- That's amazing.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09You shat yourself during a game?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11I did, Jack, yes.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13APPLAUSE
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Just a little World Cup game with cameras everywhere.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22What did you do once you realised what had happened?
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I was slightly fortunate in one aspect,
0:27:25 > 0:27:27in the sense that it had rained quite a lot just before the game.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29So the grass was quite wet.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33So I had to sort of shuffle it...out.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35You had to escort it out of your shorts.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38But you know when a dog sort of...?
0:27:41 > 0:27:43It's quite visible what I was doing.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46And there's one bit where Gary Stevens comes up and says,
0:27:46 > 0:27:47"Are you OK?"
0:27:47 > 0:27:49I just... You can...
0:27:49 > 0:27:50"I've shit myself."
0:27:52 > 0:27:54But what do you do when you're not well?!
0:27:57 > 0:27:58Dreadful.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02World Cup '86 - Golden Boot. World Cup '90 - brown shorts.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07I mean, Gary, I don't begrudge you. We've all been there.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11Provence, 1996, my brother Barnaby.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Again, he'd eaten something that disagreed with him.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16He was jumping into the pool
0:28:16 > 0:28:19and slightly over-extended on a star jump.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21We had to evacuate the entire villa.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23LAUGHTER
0:28:23 > 0:28:26That was not Barney's turd. It was yours.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29LAUGHTER
0:28:30 > 0:28:31And you know it.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Thank you very much to all of our guests this evening.
0:28:34 > 0:28:39The wonderful Gary Lineker, Holly, Marnie and Scott from Geordie Shore.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42And, of course, my wonderful father.
0:28:42 > 0:28:46See you next week with my guests Nick Hewer and Lethal Bizzle.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd