0:00:04 > 0:00:11This programme contains some strong language
0:00:16 > 0:00:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:21 > 0:00:25Good evening and welcome to Backchat,
0:00:25 > 0:00:28the show that always seems to descend into a big posh family argument.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Imagine Downton Abbey meets the Jeremy Kyle Show.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34We have got an eclectic guest list for you tonight.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Joining me this evening,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38we have Bear Grylls, Born Survivor,
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Rylan Clark and Louie Spence, Born Fabulous,
0:00:42 > 0:00:47and my father, born some time before the Industrial Revolution.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Bear Grylls is the country's best loved adventurer.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54He has had to survive in some of the most inhospitable
0:00:54 > 0:00:58places on Earth, from the Arctic tundra to the Siberian wilderness.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00He even - get this -
0:01:00 > 0:01:04spent an entire night at a Premier Inn in Barnsley.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07At one point, it got so cold, he had to hollow out Lenny Henry
0:01:07 > 0:01:09and use him as shelter.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13Our other guest is Rylan Clark. Since hitting the big time,
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Rylan's splashed the cash on a new set of porcelain veneers.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21Apparently, his new teeth are so bright, this Christmas, last year's
0:01:21 > 0:01:26X Factor runner-up, Jahmene Douglas, has been booked to switch them on.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30I wouldn't make remarks about people's teeth.
0:01:30 > 0:01:35Remember what your teeth were like. Your teeth were so bad.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37They were enormous.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Can you remember when you were 14?
0:01:39 > 0:01:43I nearly entered you into the Grand National one year!
0:01:45 > 0:01:48We should be honoured to have Bear on the show.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52One of the things Bear is, he is the head of the Scouts Association.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- Did you ever do any scouting for boys?- I did, yes.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59I was a very, very good Scout. I had loads of badges.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01I had badges for knots
0:02:01 > 0:02:05and then I remember getting a special badge for keeping secrets...
0:02:05 > 0:02:07OK. Um...
0:02:07 > 0:02:12- ..which was given to me by the Scout Master.- Don't want to hear that!
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Our first guest tonight is Bear Grylls.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18If you're not quite sure what he does, let's take a look at him
0:02:18 > 0:02:19in action.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Here you go. Look, bring the camera over here.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24And look inside.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27You can see everything that's been eaten.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31And that's just...partially digested...
0:02:34 > 0:02:37And the fluid in this, again, is drinkable.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Drinkable...
0:02:53 > 0:02:57but truly...disgusting!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Ladies and gentlemen, it's Bear Grylls.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:09 > 0:03:13SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE
0:03:16 > 0:03:18What were you doing?
0:03:18 > 0:03:22That was one of the rumen of the camel and obviously,
0:03:22 > 0:03:26they hold a lot of liquid that can hydrate you,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29if you're in the desert, but it's not going to ever taste very nice.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33But it is drinkable. It will hydrate you. It could save your life.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37But there have been a lot of sort of bad experiences that have had
0:03:37 > 0:03:40to go down my throat over the um...
0:03:40 > 0:03:44I was expecting this from Louie Spence.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48What is the worst thing you've eaten on the show, do you think?
0:03:48 > 0:03:53Probably raw goat's testicles was a low point. Frozen yak eyeballs.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Elephant dung. Bear poo was especially bad.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00- I remember coming across a huge steaming...- Sorry. A bear, or...?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- Not your shit?- No, not mine.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07There was a big steaming pile of this stuff in the woods
0:04:07 > 0:04:09and again, their digestion's very fast
0:04:09 > 0:04:12and they're eating a lot of berries
0:04:12 > 0:04:16and you can actually pick bits of apple that have only half digested
0:04:16 > 0:04:21and just blow the faecal matter off it and then throw that down.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25But you're not like that at home, in your day-to-day life?
0:04:25 > 0:04:29I'd so love to be able to say I get home from an expedition
0:04:29 > 0:04:33and have a bag of nails for breakfast, ice bath and...
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- Shit in the laundry basket.- Exactly.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39No, I've got three young boys, a lovely wife. There's nothing better than getting back,
0:04:39 > 0:04:43a hot bath and they all jump in and they tend to make me
0:04:43 > 0:04:45a nice big cake, a carrot cake, whatever, heaven!
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- I love all of that. - And then throw it in shit.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51But in a survival situation,
0:04:51 > 0:04:55sometimes you just have to eat the most disgusting stuff.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Yeah, survival food's never going to be pretty
0:04:57 > 0:05:00and you've got to put your prejudices aside.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01You've got to go for it.
0:05:01 > 0:05:06I saw one episode where you tether a reindeer to a tree
0:05:06 > 0:05:10and then you slit its throat and you start drinking the blood from it.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14- It's a very nutritious part of the beast.- Obviously.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Minerals, everything.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19It's not, for me, an idea of a fun Saturday night out,
0:05:19 > 0:05:23drinking the raw blood of an animal, but you've got no choice, do it!
0:05:23 > 0:05:27You've got to do it. Is there any animal that's too cute to kill and eat the heart of?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29What about this?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:05:31 > 0:05:35You really wouldn't want to be in a situation where you've got to do that, but having said that...
0:05:35 > 0:05:40You're out in the wilderness, that is the only animal that you have around. What do you do?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Look at the Shackleton story.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44All they had to live off was seals and penguins
0:05:44 > 0:05:48and stuff for however many years they were stuck down there.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Again, it's the unimaginable.
0:05:50 > 0:05:55It's the worst part of survival and I don't take it ever lightly.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59Sorry for taking it lightly. I'm not taking it lightly. What about this?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:06:01 > 0:06:06Well, my kids now... I've got three boys and they're getting to the age where they all want pets.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08That would be so funny.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11"Mummy, I've lost my hamster." "Bear!"
0:06:11 > 0:06:14"Sorry, what? No."
0:06:14 > 0:06:17There's quite a lot of gags around our household of - where's the cat?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19"Papa!"
0:06:19 > 0:06:21"I've not done anything to the cat!"
0:06:21 > 0:06:25We wanted to see... Two slices of bread.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27What about this, Bear?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Two slices of bread, little Cecil? No! Don't eat it!
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Do you know, we've got two very lovely dogs.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42One of which is very like that and they are ridiculously cute.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- I thought you were going to say tasty.- I'm not making a sandwich!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48What if we brought out the right condiments?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- Firmly off the menu. - I get what the problem is here.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54It's the slices of bread. You're a well brought up chap like me.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57I also brought ciabatta.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Who wants to look after the dog for the rest of the show?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03I don't trust you, ladies over there!
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Jack, why don't we keep the dog on here? It'd be quite sweet.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- Are we not allowed to? - There's a lot of that going on!
0:07:10 > 0:07:14They literally don't trust you near any kind of animal!
0:07:14 > 0:07:18You look like you have warm, kind eyes, madam. You take that.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:07:21 > 0:07:25- Jack, there's some sort of wee down your front.- It's weed down my front?!
0:07:25 > 0:07:26- Very funny.- Joking.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29You did, actually! You genuinely got me!
0:07:29 > 0:07:31APPLAUSE
0:07:34 > 0:07:39Now, Bear, I want to move away from eating disgusting stuff cos
0:07:39 > 0:07:42obviously, you're more than just that.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45You're never far away from a glass of urine on the show.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Talk to me about the drinking of the wee wee.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51I do want to make clear, this again isn't a Friday night hobby of mine.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55- Yeah.- The worst one I had to do was I'd killed a snake
0:07:55 > 0:07:58and I'd eaten the snake, but I'd kept the skin
0:07:58 > 0:08:02and I thought I'd use the skin as an improvised water bottle for pee.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05So I'd peed in the snake skin and tied it off, had it round my neck.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08I'd been in the Salt Pan, this desert, it was boiling hot.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- Oh, my God!- And it came to the point at the end of the day
0:08:11 > 0:08:14when I was drinking the pee and it had been festering in this
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- cocktail of snake innards for a day, so that was a bad one.- Oh!
0:08:18 > 0:08:20That sounds like the worst Frube ever.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26I couldn't pee on camera. I'd get stage fright.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I do get stage fright, but they just...
0:08:28 > 0:08:31In the edit, it's like, shorten that bit...
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- Not that bit!- No!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Lengthen that bit! Shorten this bit!
0:08:36 > 0:08:39They do a lot of pixelating and I'm just going,
0:08:39 > 0:08:41"Can't you just elongate the pixelation?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44"Even if there's nothing there, just imagine!"
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Did I tell you about someone who drank their own urine?
0:08:48 > 0:08:53- He used to do it socially, which was completely different.- Socially?!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55This was an actress called Sarah Miles.
0:08:55 > 0:09:00And she drank her own urine, as sort of part of her lifestyle.
0:09:00 > 0:09:06And I remember her asking me, cos I was quite friendly with her very
0:09:06 > 0:09:11briefly, to a party and somebody rang up and said, "It's a bottle party.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13"You have to take a bottle with you."
0:09:13 > 0:09:17When I arrived there, there were bottles all over the place
0:09:17 > 0:09:22and I thought I'd better stick to the red, to be on the safe side.
0:09:22 > 0:09:27And at the end, she offered me a dessert wine, very dark,
0:09:27 > 0:09:31yellow, heavy.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35I said, "Sarah, I think actually, if you don't mind, I'll leave that."
0:09:35 > 0:09:38She wasn't doing it for survival. She was just fucking mental.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40No, she lived in Notting Hill Gate.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42There was nothing there to survive from.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49My kids have actually started with the whole urine gag as well now.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53I was training the other day at home, doing my press-ups,
0:09:53 > 0:09:55I had the water bottle and Jesse came in,
0:09:55 > 0:09:58who is aged nine...ten, and I said, "Would you just go
0:09:58 > 0:10:02"and fill up the water bottle, from the tap?" He went, "Sure."
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Ran out the room and he came back 30 seconds later, like this,
0:10:05 > 0:10:08gave it to me, I went, "Great."
0:10:08 > 0:10:12- He'd peed in the bottle.- Oh, my God!
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Such a good idea. Let me just...
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Next time you're working out in the gym(!)
0:10:20 > 0:10:24- You'll have a long wait. - Do you train quite a lot, Jack?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- Do you keep fit?- Yeah.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30I get down the gym every once or twice a...year.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- Michael, were you ever into...?- No.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36It's a generational thing. My dad would never have.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39He would have thought it was terribly kind of common to train.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Absolutely. And sort of gyms and things like that,
0:10:42 > 0:10:46very peculiar places to go in those days.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47What are you talking about?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50There was a place in German Street, Turkish baths,
0:10:50 > 0:10:53where they had a similar sort of arrangement.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57There's no way that your father would have gone to a Turkish bath.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Everyone watching this show now thinks that you went to
0:11:00 > 0:11:02a Turkish bath in the 1960s.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05You got up to some weird shit!
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Drinking old women's piss, going to kind of weird spas and stuff.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12I didn't introduce the question of urine. You did.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15You said you found it very difficult to have a wee.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18I thought that was quite weird.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22You do get very shy, particularly in stand-ups.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Why are you telling everyone that I get nervous in stand-up urinals?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30- Not everyone.- This is a fucking national television show!
0:11:30 > 0:11:34- It's BBC Three!- That is national television!
0:11:35 > 0:11:40- I don't think Bear wants to sit here...- I love it.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42It's such a nice dynamic.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46I wish my dad was around to have this sort of... It's genius.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48We have a similar thing,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51in terms of fathers cos you were brought up by a proper Tory.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Your father was a Tory MP.
0:11:53 > 0:11:58Those were the days when your father was MP when men were men.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Harold Macmillan, Anthony Eden, they were the real men.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05Margaret Thatcher, she was as good a man as anyone.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Did you ever meet Maggie Thatcher?
0:12:07 > 0:12:11No, I think I spotted her once across a room aged eight
0:12:11 > 0:12:13and was quite intimidated.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16You're not trying to get me to tell that story?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18He's trying to get me to tell the story
0:12:18 > 0:12:22because I went out a few times with Carol, their daughter.
0:12:22 > 0:12:28- Don't start making rude remarks about her. She's a very nice girl.- Girl!
0:12:28 > 0:12:32- Well, she was when I went out with her.- Yeah.
0:12:32 > 0:12:37- This was "went out" in the Biblical sense?- It was sort of not quite.
0:12:37 > 0:12:42- But I went out with her...- We don't need any more detail.- I wasn't going to give you any more detail.
0:12:42 > 0:12:48- This is a question that's really hard for you to ask your dad, but maybe I'm a bit freer.- Oh, fine.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- Did you ever French kiss Carol Thatcher?- I don't want to hear that!
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- Yes, I did.- Shut up! - I have to say, I did.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59- Oh, brilliant.- I went from between French kissing and heavy petting.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03But I never went further than that with her.
0:13:03 > 0:13:08She asked me back to Number 10 Downing Street to meet the parents
0:13:08 > 0:13:12and it was sort of midnight-ish and I was beginning to get a little...
0:13:12 > 0:13:15- I wasn't drunk.- You were pissed. - I was not.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Anyway, I went out into the hall to order a cab and I rang up the
0:13:19 > 0:13:22cab company and Carol was standing next to me and I said, "Hello.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26"I'd like a cab please to Number 10 Downing Street." The chap
0:13:26 > 0:13:31at the other end said, "Oh, yes, sir. 10 Downing Street, right.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34"And what would your name be?" And I said, "Whitehall."
0:13:34 > 0:13:38And he said, "Oh, right." She then grabbed the phone off me
0:13:38 > 0:13:41cos she could see I wasn't coping very well with it.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45She said, "Hello!" And the guy at the other end said, "Yes, hello?"
0:13:45 > 0:13:47And she said, "Have you got all those details?"
0:13:47 > 0:13:50And he said, "Yes, I've got Mr Whitehall from 10 Downing Street.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54"Who would you be?" She said, "My name is Thatcher!"
0:13:54 > 0:13:58At which point the man put the phone down and I didn't get a cab.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01That is the worst excuse I've ever heard for sleeping with
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Carol Thatcher.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05This is so much more fun as a chat show.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Most of the time, chat shows,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10you go on and it's kind of like...tell the stories.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14It's so nice just sitting and having a conversation. I love these sort of stories. They're amazing.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- Thank you very much, Bear.- You're the first person that's said that.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20We've had several guests, all of them
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- have left feeling that it was a very weird experience.- Yes.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27It's much nicer talking about other people than talking about yourself.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29It's great.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32I suspect when Louie Spence and Rylan Clark come out,
0:14:32 > 0:14:34it may be less laid back.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Now, when my mum and sister want to treat themselves,
0:14:38 > 0:14:41they go off for one of those health spas for a bit of pampering
0:14:41 > 0:14:43and some special girly time.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Well, what's good enough for the ladies is good enough for the gentlemen.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Right, Dad?
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Here's what happened when I took my father to an all-male Russian spa.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59I'd heard a lot about these kind of places,
0:14:59 > 0:15:01particularly the foreign ones.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- I mean, they are all sort of gay people.- What?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07A sort of cover. Camouflage. It is!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I know to what you refer but this is not one of those...
0:15:10 > 0:15:12If you think you are going to get me in one of these places
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- and they start grabbing me...- They are not going to be grabbing you!
0:15:15 > 0:15:17And even if it was one of those places,
0:15:17 > 0:15:22I imagine you would be pretty down the hit list of people to grab.
0:15:22 > 0:15:27Why don't you just look at the treatments and decide what you want?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31What is this "smoked sausage with stewed cabbage"?
0:15:31 > 0:15:35I'm not having that all over my face! That is gross!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37That is the food menu.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Yeah. There you are. Just what I told you.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46"Wanka - £12." That's what happens. You get a wank for £12.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50It doesn't mean that. That's Russian for something else.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52That's quite cheap, £12.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57I mean, it's actually less than some of these sandwiches
0:15:57 > 0:16:02over here on the left. The crayfish sandwich is £25.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05That's the equivalent of two wanks.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10My father has issues with opening up to me so I thought something like
0:16:10 > 0:16:15a sauna is a good environment to get the conversation flowing a bit.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17'Didn't happen like that.'
0:16:37 > 0:16:40That was absolutely ludicrous!
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Sitting in a boiling hot room
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- with that man's genitalia waving all over me.- Sorry.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- What the hell was going on? - I didn't know he was coming in.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- You told me it was a private session. - I didn't know.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Please will you do the next treatment? It's called venik.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57It's really good. It's the most expensive treatment they have.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- I think you're going to really like it. Please do it.- OK.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02No. We do it one by one, this treatment.
0:17:02 > 0:17:07- Someone will come and get you. - I'll sit here and read my book.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Mr Whitehall, if you'd like to come through.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26SLAPPING
0:17:34 > 0:17:36You must be joking!
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- HE SIGHS - I don't know why my dad walked out.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46It's a Russian tradition. It's like their version of croquet.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Come on, Daddy. You've got to admit this is nice.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59It's better than what else we've been having done to us.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01HE SIGHS
0:18:01 > 0:18:06- I have to say, my chap is a bit on the rough side.- Ask him to be softer.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Could you be a little less rough, Sergei, do you think?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
0:18:12 > 0:18:15They are Russian, Daddy, they don't speak English.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Oh, yeah. Right.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19If you want,
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I could Google Translate, "Could he be a bit more gentle" for you?
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- Yeah, OK. Good idea.- Carry on.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- Read that.- All right. Thank you.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Big thank you to all the people from the Russian spa,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03especially Sergei, for going the extra mile!
0:19:03 > 0:19:05LAUGHTER
0:19:05 > 0:19:07For those of you tuning in expecting to see
0:19:07 > 0:19:10David Walliams, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13David was supposed to be here tonight but he actually
0:19:13 > 0:19:16hurt his back and so he can't be with us.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20- Hasn't he just taken on a young wife? - A, You don't take on a young wife...
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- No?- I don't know.- He has.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Yes, he does have a younger wife.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I mean, I've got a younger wife, as you know, Jack. Your mother.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- My mother, yes. - LAUGHTER
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Voracious appetite, your mother.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Get well soon, David Walliams.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Still, we weren't to be denied our dose of high campery.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47We wanted this episode to be our big camp extravaganza.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Unfortunately, one man alone couldn't fit David's shoes
0:19:50 > 0:19:55so would you please welcome to the show Rylan Clark and Louie Spence!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:05 > 0:20:09Nice to see you. How are you?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13How do you do? Lovely to see you.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17I'm in the middle!
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Pop you down in the middle, there.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- I'm next to a bear! - LAUGHTER
0:20:21 > 0:20:26- Do you reckon you'd be good on one of Bear's Wild Weekends?- No.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- You wouldn't do it?- No, I'd die.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31- You must have been asked on I'm A Celeb?- I'd die.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- That's why I can't do things like that.- None of it?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36The thing about I'm A Celeb that frightens me most
0:20:36 > 0:20:38is walking over the bridge!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40That bridge don't look safe, I'm sorry. It's like that.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Bit of a wobble on it, isn't it, darling? We like things firm.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46That's why I'd go out with Bear wherever he wants to go,
0:20:46 > 0:20:49cos I'm sure he would be very firm and strong and to the point.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53- It could be you, Bear and Michael. - That would be nice, Michael.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Yes, wouldn't it? Lovely.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59What's the worst thing you've ever...eaten?
0:21:00 > 0:21:04The worst thing I've ever eaten, tried to, was a vagina.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06I was just like, I'm sorry!
0:21:06 > 0:21:11It's just not for me. So I tried it. I did try it.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15What happened was I went down the ditch after school with this girl
0:21:15 > 0:21:17and we went to the lollipop man first and I got a Fab.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19We ate the Fab and with the lollipop stick,
0:21:19 > 0:21:24I had a little poke around and then I decided it wasn't for me.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26What about camping? How are you with camping?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28- Did you go on camping holidays growing up?- No.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- What about a bit of glamping?- No.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34That's just camping with a glass instead of a plastic cup.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- That's bollocks. - What do you think of glamping?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Like they do at the festivals with the bivouac and you've got a...
0:21:40 > 0:21:44- A tipi.- That's not proper camping.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Actually, Shara, my wife, would love it.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Now she goes, "You go and do your stuff
0:21:50 > 0:21:52"and I'll have it all nice at home."
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Do you know, I've got to say... I am so sorry for butting in.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Bear, you don't half look well for all that shit you do!
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Do you know, I expected to come on here... I've never met you before.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03I thought, "He's going to look like shit."
0:22:03 > 0:22:06He's been through the wars, do you know what I mean?
0:22:06 > 0:22:10Like, underneath an ice polar bear and all that.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- You don't half look well.- Thank you. That's kind.- You really do.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16I think you would be good in the wild situation,
0:22:16 > 0:22:21- Louie, because obviously you trained as a dancer.- Yeah.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24But in terms of blending in with your surroundings,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26one of your first ever jobs was...
0:22:26 > 0:22:28I know what you are trying to get to.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33- You mean when I was, like, a pussy? - Tell us about that.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- What happened?- Well...
0:22:36 > 0:22:38What happened was I got a job in the West End in Cats...
0:22:38 > 0:22:42- I love Cats! What were you in Cats? - Get your spit guard up!
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- I was magical Mr Mistoffelees. - LAUGHTER
0:22:45 > 0:22:49When you go to pussy school, what they do is they
0:22:49 > 0:22:53make you improvise so you have to sort of crawl around on the floor.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57- I've done this so many times. - Show them!- Rylan!
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- LAUGHTER - I want to see it!
0:22:59 > 0:23:02So, anyway... I start on the mat.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05When you go to pussy school, after three days you have to improvise
0:23:05 > 0:23:08and you have to be a cat so you have to crawl around,
0:23:08 > 0:23:10sniffing everyone's arse. I was like, "I'm fine with that.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12"I've done that without being paid."
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- So anyway, you have to, like... - HE HISSES
0:23:15 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER
0:23:18 > 0:23:20He's so good!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Oh, no! HE HISSES
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- Louie!- Really!
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I should just warn you, I think my dad is more of a dog person.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41LAUGHTER
0:23:41 > 0:23:43- Could you teach anyone to be a pussy?- I mean, yeah.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- There's limitations. If Bear wants to get down...- No way!
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- Don't even think about it!- Could you teach anyone to dance, Louie?
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Cos you're the best dance teacher in the world.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57Yeah, thanks for that. Well, I think... You know, people...
0:23:57 > 0:23:59If they haven't got absolutely no rhythm, it's quite hard.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01You know that phrase "two left feet"?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04What if those two left feet also had gout?
0:24:04 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:09When I hear the word gout, I think of, like, cheese.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12LAUGHTER
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- Have you got gout, Michael? - No, I haven't.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- I don't know why he's mentioned it. - You do!
0:24:16 > 0:24:19This show has gone very down-market in the last ten minutes.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Have you noticed?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23I want to talk about the crying on X Factor
0:24:23 > 0:24:25cos that was a very big part of it.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28You were always very emotional. Are you always very emotional?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31I do like a little cry but I want to defend this, like, right now.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33LAUGHTER
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Michael, you don't watch it but basically, during the show,
0:24:36 > 0:24:38you have to get through certain rounds to earn money,
0:24:38 > 0:24:40practically, let's be fair.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42I got through the last round where it was,
0:24:42 > 0:24:45"You'll earn a couple of grand, well done to you."
0:24:45 > 0:24:49So I was in Dubai and I, genuinely,
0:24:49 > 0:24:52along with the rest of the country, thought, "He's fucking off home".
0:24:52 > 0:24:55So on the last night before the result,
0:24:55 > 0:24:57we were all having a bit of a piss up in the pool.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59We didn't end up going to bed until eight in the morning
0:24:59 > 0:25:02and the results...filming, started at ten in the morning.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04I had had one hour's sleep.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06It was 50 degree heat and I was hung-over.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Scherzi's sitting there and I'm like...I've got the shakes.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Not because I'm nervous but because I'm still pissed.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15And she is like, "You know, blah, blah, blah.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17"You are going through." And I was like, "What?"
0:25:17 > 0:25:21And it was the shock. It was like someone picked up a few fish
0:25:21 > 0:25:24and slapped me around the face and I sobered up and it was 50 degrees.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27I was sweating, my make-up was on my top, I'm on the floor
0:25:27 > 0:25:29and then at some point I'm underneath the chaise longue.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- I don't know what the fuck happened. - LAUGHTER
0:25:32 > 0:25:38Obviously, quite a lot of effort goes into Rylan, the look.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42- A little bit, yeah. - Talk me through your beauty regime.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Well, basically I was just a fat ginger kid
0:25:46 > 0:25:51- so I just try and hide it as much as I can.- Are you ginger?
0:25:51 > 0:25:53- Is that your natural colour? - It's sort of died down.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54How does the beard work?
0:25:54 > 0:25:58The beard is quite ginger so that's a mascara job.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Oh, really?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02But never use it from the mascara
0:26:02 > 0:26:04because it gets too clumpy so get another mascara wand.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Michael, don't worry. I'll write this down for you.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11You get another mascara wand and rub it on there and fill that in.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- And the eyebrows? - The eyebrows are dark naturally.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Beauty regime, Bear? Is there much time for a beauty regime
0:26:17 > 0:26:19when you are in the wilderness?
0:26:19 > 0:26:23No, is the straight answer. I use a lot of kind of natural things.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- Crack open an aloe vera.- Exactly.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Even at home, I use olive oil as moisturiser.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32I do that because I had eczema, you know.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- Sometimes a bit of avocado in the hair.- The olive oil is very good.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37You've got to rinse the bath after with washing up liquid.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40It's the only thing that will get rid of it,
0:26:40 > 0:26:42otherwise you'll slip around like nobody's business.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44But very good, the olive oil, isn't it? For everywhere?
0:26:44 > 0:26:48- This is all going in, Jack.- What do you think my father should do?
0:26:48 > 0:26:51I think he needs to look a little bit more camera friendly?
0:26:51 > 0:26:54I don't really know if he does need anything. I think it works.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56He's sitting in that beautiful leather chair,
0:26:56 > 0:26:58he's looking quite regal.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01He's a sophisticated older man who is well-educated
0:27:01 > 0:27:04and really doesn't know what he's doing sitting here with these
0:27:04 > 0:27:09two homosexuals and this explorer but I think he looks fine as he is.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11I think I could give you a few tips. I get toxed.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13I'll have a bit of Botox but I had mine last week
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- so I'm not quite fully frozen yet. - Where is that?
0:27:16 > 0:27:19I have a love heart round here and I have three around the eyes.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Haven't kicked in. Only had it done on Sunday. Next week will be fine.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24You know it's super dangerous, that stuff?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27So is what you do, Bear, but we have to do it.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:33 > 0:27:36I haven't quite gone as far as anal bleaching because they do say...
0:27:36 > 0:27:41Listen, it's only what I've read. I'm well read, like...
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Can I just say, Michael, I really hope you haven't had anal bleaching
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- cos that would destroy... - It gives you a more youthful look.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53You'd be surprised. Frodo here takes care of the ring.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56When Father bends over, it's like opening up a fridge door,
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- it lights up the room. - LAUGHTER
0:27:59 > 0:28:02That's lowered the tone, Michael.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04It has lowered the tone, you're right, Rylan.
0:28:04 > 0:28:09- Let's bring the tone back up. Daddy, would you like a drink?- A drink?
0:28:09 > 0:28:13- Yeah, do you fancy a martini?- Yes. What time is it? Oh, yes.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15A dry martini would be very nice.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19- LAUGHTER - For fuck's sake!
0:28:19 > 0:28:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Where's the olive? LAUGHTER
0:28:26 > 0:28:28APPLAUSE
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Ladies and gentlemen, that's all we have time for this week.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Thank you to my guests Bear Grylls, Rylan Clark and Louie Spence.