0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Every year I'd explain to Miss Pickwell
0:00:31 > 0:00:34that the Nativity is about Jesus being born,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37not him being beaten, whipped and crucified in real time.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Yeah, she also went a little bit heavy with the Jew-bashing.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Pro Green was a shoe-in to replace her, but she's, er....
0:00:43 > 0:00:45On honeymoon with my dad, yes, I know.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47I'm trying not to think about it.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51My point is, there'll be no Xmas play unless you step up to the plate.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53OK, Fraser, I'll tell you why I'm not going to do the play.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55I was like everyone else...
0:00:55 > 0:00:59when I was growing up, Nativities were the highlight of my Christmas.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03And then, one year, I got the best part I'd ever got.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Joseph?
0:01:04 > 0:01:05Mole 2.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09- Were there moles in the manger? - Er, yes.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11My mum promised that she'd come and watch me...
0:01:11 > 0:01:14And I went out on stage, do you know what I saw?
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- Nothing? Moles are blind.- No...
0:01:20 > 0:01:22My mum's empty chair.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26And that poor little mole just wanted to burrow down into the ground and disappear.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32But look, you don't have to do a Nativity!
0:01:32 > 0:01:34It's time for a non-denominational show.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Give a shout out to "all de religion"!
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Hey, but don't forget mine.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I'm a Belieber!
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Yeah, well I'm a Bl-atheist.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Actually, technically, I think I'd be Bl-agnostic.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48I mean, I'd slag him off
0:01:48 > 0:01:51but if he walked in the door now, I'd be all over him like a rash.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Woo-hoo! Banter Claus just pulled a big one from his gag sack.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- Kill me.- Hey, you've got to get Stephen involved!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59That guy knows how to put on a show.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Remember his one-man Precious?
0:02:01 > 0:02:05# Take a look at me now... #
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Superb!
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Fiddler on the Heath?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11# Cos I gotta have faith
0:02:11 > 0:02:13# I gotta have faith... #
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Barnstorming.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17And that biopic of Cheryl Cole...
0:02:17 > 0:02:19# If it's worth having
0:02:19 > 0:02:23# It's sure enough worth dying for... #
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Libellous.
0:02:25 > 0:02:30Anyhoo, question, remember how you sent your end-of-term reports via text?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Yeah, one of my best ideas ever.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Yeah, well, the school governors don't seem to think so.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Dicks!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37They're quite keen for me to fire you.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39But you put on this play,
0:02:39 > 0:02:40and I'll save your heiney
0:02:40 > 0:02:44by throwing this ass in front of the governors' spanking hands.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47All right. I'll do your shitty little play.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50But, just so you know, I hate Christmas shows.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52We have done some perfectly good stuff earlier in the year,
0:02:52 > 0:02:57and now we have to ruin it by cobbling together some under-thought through festive bollocks
0:02:57 > 0:02:59with a load of shit Christmas music.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03# I don't want a lot for Christmas
0:03:03 > 0:03:06# This is all I'm asking for
0:03:06 > 0:03:10# I just wanna see my baby
0:03:10 > 0:03:13# Standing right outside my door
0:03:13 > 0:03:16# I just want you for my own
0:03:16 > 0:03:19# More than you could ever know
0:03:19 > 0:03:22# Make my wish come true
0:03:22 > 0:03:26# All I want for Christmas is you. #
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Who got me a ticket to West Ham?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30I'm Millwall till I die.
0:03:30 > 0:03:37OK, so six of you have voted for The Nutcracker and five of you have voted for Robocop.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38So we're doing the Nutcracker?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Oh, someone's changed their tune on democracy.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44But you're forgetting, Jing, I also get a vote.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49So what are we going to do?
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Got it.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00That's our play.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Robocracker?
0:04:01 > 0:04:05- Does that exist? - Not yet, my friend. Not yet.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Oh, God, we've read your scripts before.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- What do you mean, "Oh, God"?- You don't really do subtlety, do you?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Er, subtlety can lick my balls and then eat a plate of my ass for dessert.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I'll just go on Wikipedia, bosh out a plot mash-up.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- That's not going to work. - Er, yes, it will.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20What's the best film of the last 20 years?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- Saw 4.- Saw 5.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23- Hunger Games.- Meet the Fockers. - Lolita.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Hmm, Rush Hour's a good shout, Jing,
0:04:28 > 0:04:32but the correct answer is Alien Vs Predator.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33A plot mash-up.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Mate, if my dad finds out I've been on stage, he'll cut me out the will.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39So you won't have to inherit his shitty tracksuits?
0:04:39 > 0:04:43That makes two of us! You won't be getting your mum's clothes, cos they're all over my bedroom floor!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Guys, stop being mean about each other's families.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Your parents are all so supportive of you.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51You might not realise it now,
0:04:51 > 0:04:56but you won't appreciate how much they love you, until your mum's gone...
0:04:57 > 0:05:01..to live in Spain, with Javier and their children.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Gay!
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Come on, sir.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10You write your masterpiece, I'll help you organise auditions.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Thanks, Jing.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Oh, and I forgot to say, we have to give a shout out to all the religions.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Christianity, Buddhism, Islam... what's China, Jing?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- Predominantly atheists.- So, what, you don't get to do Christmas?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23That seems a bit unfair considering you make all the toys.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25That's like the elves not having it.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Did you just compare...?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30On the subject of presents, Mitchell, how is Miss Gulliver's?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Yeah. Dad's sorted it. One of his mates owns a donkey sanctuary.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- You're buying Miss Gulliver a donkey? - Adopting her a donkey.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40You know, she loves animals... and they're a lot cheaper than snow leopards.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- BELL RINGS - OK, spread the word.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46Casting's at break, so pick your own audition pieces and choose them wisely.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48# Right, so loud and proud You hearing it
0:05:48 > 0:05:51# It's Christmastime and we got the spirit... #
0:05:51 > 0:05:55OK, Stephen, what scene from Flashdance are you doing today?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- All of it.- All of it?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- You've only got a minute. - Just shut up and press play.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05MUSIC: "Flashdance" by Irene Cara
0:06:16 > 0:06:17And who are you?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Professor Xavier. X-Men, innit?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23I can read your mind, bruv.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24Yeah, sure.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26What am I thinking now?
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Tits.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Tits!
0:06:35 > 0:06:36How does he do it?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39MUSIC: "Flashdance" by Irene Cara
0:06:44 > 0:06:48So, Chantelle, where have you taken your scene from?
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Basic Instinct.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Basic Instinct...?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Oh, my God! Do not move your legs!
0:06:54 > 0:06:57MUSIC: "Flashdance" by Irene Cara
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Obviously, you're in the play. That was amazing.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Sorted.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21We still only have one good actor.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Yeah, that's all you need. One good one,
0:07:23 > 0:07:27then you don't realise how terrible the other ones actually are.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- It's like the Kardashians.- Really? - Yeah, as a triptych, fit.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32But you take Kim out of the equation,
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Kourtney suddenly looks like she should be sat underneath a bridge that she guards, eating goats.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Now, look, Frank, there's no need to take the piss...
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I've come to audition, innit?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Your dance was, like, good and shit.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Oh, thanks, babes.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53Oh, whatever, man. I'm not bothered.
0:07:53 > 0:07:58Well, OK, um...in your own time.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59This is going to be perfect, Jing.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02He'll be like Plan B, all moody but with an amazing talent
0:08:02 > 0:08:05hidden between the urban, slightly stabby facade.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Where is my Romeo?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16What's here? A cup, closed in my love's true hand?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21He sounds like he's taking a shit.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24I will kiss thy lips...
0:08:24 > 0:08:25OK, right, good.
0:08:25 > 0:08:31Er... so, let's start with the positives.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Volume.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34It was very loud.
0:08:34 > 0:08:40I heard every word, as I think did the whole of Hertfordshire.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42So what part am I going to play?
0:08:42 > 0:08:47Er, unfortunately, Frank, there are a lot of really great actors out there.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- What part?- I'm afraid, there isn't a role for you...
0:08:50 > 0:08:52What... part?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54- The lead?- What?- The co-lead.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Yes, like in Rush Hour.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Thanks, Jing.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Nice save.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05You all right, sir?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07I'm snow-K, you?
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Yeah, not too bad.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Yours-elf?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Oh, Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen and Banter!
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Can I get Mr Wickers' mum's number, please, sir?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18- It's on the toilet wall.- Yeah, I tried that one. It weren't real.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- Sorry, why do you want it? - I'm arranging Mr Wickers a nice surprise.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- Genuinely nice?- Yeah. It's Christmas.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- I want to invite her to Mr Wickers' play.- Wow!
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Do you know what, hustler, I think I'm going to drop that goodwill pill you just scored me.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Although Alfie's not seen her in years.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- Well, you've got to convince her then. Make something up.- Right-oh.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Hello, is that Mrs Wickers?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Sorry, currently Mrs Garcia-Ramires!
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Yes, it's Mr Fraser here.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Alfie's...
0:09:53 > 0:09:55..been in a horrific car crash.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59# Yo-ho-ho, take out the coal
0:09:59 > 0:10:01# Get the cutest feelings from working the ho... #
0:10:01 > 0:10:05OK, so this is Robocracker.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09In a world without hope, lived an angry maladjusted delinquent boy.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11That is you, Frank.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Frank wakes up Christmas morning, finds beneath the tree a doll, it's Robocracker.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17That's you, Stephen.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Christmas miracle, Robocracker's alive!
0:10:19 > 0:10:22And him and the delinquent boy set about to bring peace to the world.
0:10:22 > 0:10:28Sprinkle in a couple of explosions, throw in a sex scene, bish bash bosh, who smells BAFTA?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31You can't win a BAFTA for a theatre show.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34All the parts are cast, except for the role of the villain...
0:10:34 > 0:10:38North Korean despot, Kim Jong-un.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Oh, who, oh, who could play that part?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46You want me to play an overweight middle-aged North Korean man?
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Er, no, Jing, we're not talking about a lazy stereotype here.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54We are talking about a three-dimensional, very rounded character,
0:10:54 > 0:11:00a very rounded sort of, chubby oddball loner...
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Just give me the script.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Joe, you are going to make a brilliant not-so-Lil' Kim.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07How is Kim Jong-un in Robocracker?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Because Kim Jong-un wants to capture Robocracker
0:11:09 > 0:11:13so he can use his robotic heart to power a missile that can destroy the world.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Only when he gets hold of the heart, he realises it's not robotic,
0:11:16 > 0:11:17it's actually the heart of a real boy.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20It's actually very obvious if you think about it, Jing.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Thank you, sir, it's beautiful.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Why can't we just do Shakespeare?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27For the same reason that I don't watch Question Time.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Because it's boring, confusing and the audience laugh at a load of jokes
0:11:30 > 0:11:32that no normal person would ever understand.
0:11:32 > 0:11:37So, how do we create a loyal, trusting, happy environment?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Everyone get naked?
0:11:39 > 0:11:40No.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44What we do is we all lie on the floor, and then take turns to roll over each other.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Pick a partner.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53I'll take Joe.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02When you're ready, just over you go.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Nearly there, big guy...
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Oh, my back!
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Argh!
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Rem Dogg!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- Is it my go, sir?- No, no...
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Trust me, sir!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Where are you going?
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Trust me!
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Hello.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Er, we were just doing a trust exercise.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Right.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40Er, I was wondering who's coming on our special outing this evening?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Oh, shit! Sorry. I forgot to ask!
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Er, guys, do any of you want to go with Miss Gulliver...
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- And Mr Wickers.- And me...
0:12:49 > 0:12:53to a lovely, trampy soup kitchen?
0:12:54 > 0:12:55I'm not going tramp-wanking.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Er, there's no wanking involved, Mitchell.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Is there?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Why would we wank off tramps?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06To keep them warm?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Does anyone want to volunteer?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11The thing is, Rosie, er, we're kind of doing this play,
0:13:11 > 0:13:13so we don't really have much spare time.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Plus, I don't speak Scottish, so me and tramps don't really...
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Alfie, I am going to make you stick to your promise.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Well, I'm sorry, I have to do this play.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24I need to get the governors back on board.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27So I'm afraid on this occasion I am putting my foot down.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33UNINTELLIGIBLE MUTTERING
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Isn't this fun?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Aren't you glad I made you come?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Yeah!
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Gie us some Bucky, pal!
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Bucky?- It's alcohol.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Yeah, look, I'm afraid we only serve soup in this soup kitchen.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Get tae fuck, ya sleekit wee bastard,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59gie us some Bucky or ye'll end up in a ditch, you toff buftie!
0:13:59 > 0:14:04OK, is that Scottish for, "Yes, please, with croutons"?
0:14:04 > 0:14:05WOOF! WOOF!
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Oi, dinnae you be tellin' me whit tae dae!
0:14:08 > 0:14:10You're nae the boss o' me, ya doss radge dug.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Ah, what a lovely doggie!
0:14:12 > 0:14:14What's his name?
0:14:14 > 0:14:15Er...
0:14:16 > 0:14:20"If found, please call 020..." Och, numbers.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23What an odd name to give a dog.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25No, no, he's no' mine.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I stole him aff some numpty-heided bastard who tried tae gie me a doin' in the street.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29How awful.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Aye, he came at us wi' a stick! Eh, eh! But I got it off him.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Cos nae-one messes wi' Boney.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38I'll sell it tae youse if ye like, yeah, no?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Got these an' all.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Brand-new, like.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44Sir!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Aren't tramps lovely?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53# Merry Christmas, merry Christmas
0:14:53 > 0:14:55# But I think I'll miss this one this year
0:14:55 > 0:14:57# Merry Christmas, merry Christmas
0:14:57 > 0:14:59# But I think I'll miss this one this year... #
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Sir, what sort of donkey do you want, a boy or a girl?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Just whatever looks cutest.
0:15:03 > 0:15:08But, Robocracker, how can we cure AIDS with no music to dance to?
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Never fear, Frank, because I happen to be best friends with Bono!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16And then you hug him.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17I'm not hugging any blokes.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Lads, can I gie ye a wee bit of advice?
0:15:21 > 0:15:26Think of yourselves as blank canvases on to which your characters' motivations are projected,
0:15:26 > 0:15:28ye ken what I'm saying?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Sorry, what do you know about drama?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33What don't I know about drama, you, ya jobby-jabber!
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Ah ken maybe no' to look at me, right, but I huvnae always been a dirty Jake!
0:15:36 > 0:15:40See back in the day, I was one of the most famous actors in my generation.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Really?
0:15:42 > 0:15:43You name it, I've done it.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Corporate videos, part in Taggart, even done a run at the RSC...
0:15:48 > 0:15:53..and then the work dried up, worse than a swamp donkey's fud.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56I can only imagine what that is.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Aye, Ah hit the Bucky, Ah hit the wife,
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Ah hit the streets, living rough, begging for booze money.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07And then, aye, then things got really bad.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Did you get into heroin?
0:16:09 > 0:16:10I got into Hollyoaks.
0:16:10 > 0:16:17# Santa Claus is coming to town... #
0:16:19 > 0:16:21- Ah, Mrs Hegarty.- Hi.- Good evening.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Ah! Mr Bonehead, so pleased you could make it.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Where's the bar? I need a drink.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Ah, who invited those guys?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I did. I thought you'd like it.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35I get that they're homeless, right, but they could have made a bit of effort.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38That guy over there's not even got any shoes on.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Now this is what I'm talking about.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43A tramp that's made a little bit of bloody effort.
0:16:43 > 0:16:50Yeah, sure you've kept the old clunge sponge, but at least you've found yourself a suit!
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- HE SNIFFS - You've had a wash.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55And...you're a governor.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Mr Hardside.
0:16:57 > 0:17:02I've just remembered now... I'm awfully sorry, I hope you have a wonderful evening.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Mrs Wickers is at Gatwick.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13How are we going to explain her son's sudden recovery from a ten-car pileup?
0:17:13 > 0:17:17Our options are: a) Christmas miracle or two) actually maim Alf.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18No, I'm one step ahead of you, sir.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Me Dad's got a load of these left over from making whiplash claims.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- He's saving up for a car. - Brill-cream!
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Mr Wickers! Go!
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- We need to get everyone inside.- Alf, quickly, you need to put this on.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Elf 'n' safety!
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Get it?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35But seriously, narrators can get hurt doing all that reading.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38Argh!
0:17:43 > 0:17:48God bless, Mazeltov, Allah Akbar.
0:17:49 > 0:17:54Arsene Wenger, balls-bis hiya waya!
0:17:54 > 0:17:59Little bit of housekeeping, this school does have toilet facilities.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03That one was mainly aimed at the gentleman at the back. I can see you.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Get tae fuck!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07And a very merry Christmas to you, sir.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Over to you, Mr Wickers.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Drop it like it's hot.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:18:15 > 0:18:17It was the night before Christmas
0:18:17 > 0:18:23and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Oh, get off me, you bell-end!
0:18:25 > 0:18:30Our hero is Frank, a ten-year-old boy.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Why aren't you wearing your costume?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34I'm not wearing tights, man.
0:18:34 > 0:18:40Oh! Frank's parents are poor, no presents today,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42unless...hark!
0:18:42 > 0:18:47What is this? It is Santa with reindeer and sleigh!
0:18:47 > 0:18:49"Ho ho ho!
0:18:49 > 0:18:53"I'll fetch Frank's presents," Santa did say,
0:18:53 > 0:18:57as he stroked on his beard and got out of his sleigh.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01I'm in a wheelchair, dickhead!
0:19:01 > 0:19:07As one of his reindeer went to fetch the present whilst Santa stayed put in his sleigh.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Let me out.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- I can't breathe! - Day turned to night.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14And then night turned to day.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Why did I bother getting out of bed?
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Frank did say, very loudly.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- Let me out!- This is shite!
0:19:23 > 0:19:24What did you say?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- But under the tree... - I can't breathe!
0:19:28 > 0:19:30..What's this that Frank spies!
0:19:30 > 0:19:32It's Robocracker.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Frank can't believe his eyes!
0:19:35 > 0:19:37HE SCREAMS
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Are you all right?
0:19:39 > 0:19:40I couldn't breathe in that box!
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Frank makes a wish that Santa does hear,
0:19:44 > 0:19:47"Make this doll come to life
0:19:47 > 0:19:51"and I'll stop drinking beer behind the bike sheds
0:19:51 > 0:19:54"and being a massive bully
0:19:54 > 0:19:58"and constantly going on about how one of his teachers got bummed at boarding school."
0:19:58 > 0:20:02FYI the only person that's ever touched my bum is my friend Atticus Hoye, like, once,
0:20:02 > 0:20:04when we were at the Eden Project, this one time.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Gay!
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Mitchell, you can't heckle your own show.
0:20:11 > 0:20:18Frank and his friend set out on a quest, until they'd helped everyone, they would not rest.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Who wrote this shite?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23I've seen jobbies come out of my arse with better structure than this.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26CLASSICAL MUSIC
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Argh!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30- No!- This is my solo.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- I can't see anything in this stupid helmet!- Oi, sir!
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Mitchell, come here!
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- It's so unprofessional. - Pull your trousers up!
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Get off!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Mitchell, stop it!
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Get off. You idiot!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Interval!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Meanwhile, in Jerusalem...
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I called shotgun on the Holy Land, you wanktard.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Oh, do one! Jerusalem is mine, you Jap's eye!
0:20:56 > 0:20:57I'm going to pin you down and teabag ya.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Come on, get the cogs in here.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00Not even in the script.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02But here comes Robocracker.
0:21:02 > 0:21:07He has an idea of a neutral shared city in a two-state solution,
0:21:07 > 0:21:11which he will explain through the medium of expressive dance.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15# Come a little bit closer, baby... #
0:21:16 > 0:21:17That's right.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21It's now time for the Tolerance Dance!
0:21:21 > 0:21:24# ..When two become one
0:21:24 > 0:21:29# I need some love like I never needed love before
0:21:29 > 0:21:31# I wanna make love to ya, baby
0:21:31 > 0:21:36# I had a little love Now I'm up for more
0:21:36 > 0:21:39# I wanna make love to ya, baby
0:21:39 > 0:21:41# Set your spirit free
0:21:41 > 0:21:45# It's the only way to be
0:21:48 > 0:21:51# It's the only way to be... #
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Yeah, Robocracker brings everyone together.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56It's a miracle!
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Ah, it's in my bloody eye.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06It's a miracle!
0:22:15 > 0:22:20They've put an end to heartache and loss,
0:22:20 > 0:22:24but now our brave pair must take on the boss.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I'll get you, Robocracker!
0:22:27 > 0:22:30No, you shan't for I am a real boy!
0:22:39 > 0:22:41BOOM!
0:22:41 > 0:22:42SCREAMING
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Where is my Romeo?
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01I will kiss thy lips...
0:23:01 > 0:23:04happily some poison yet doth hang on them.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Thy lips are warm.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Let me die!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Alas there's no hope, no treatment,
0:23:17 > 0:23:23no drug, as Robo's life fades away, Frank bids adieu with a hu...
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Hug!
0:23:30 > 0:23:32In the script it says hug.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35COUGH!
0:23:36 > 0:23:38But what's this?
0:23:38 > 0:23:44Robocracker has been reincarnated and finally he's a real boy!
0:23:46 > 0:23:47The end!
0:23:47 > 0:23:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Come on, you lot. Out you get.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Haven't you got homes to go to?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Well done.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Oh, thank you.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Fair do's.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Your narrative arc was engaging,
0:24:27 > 0:24:31but the pleasurable representations dinnae depend on the likeness of the thing
0:24:31 > 0:24:34that they are portraying. You know what I mean, ya minging bag o' shite?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Oh, I'll bear that in mind for next time.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42My brave little baby!
0:24:42 > 0:24:43Mummy.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47I can't believe you came.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50We came as soon as we heard about the accident.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- The accident?- Me...
0:24:52 > 0:24:58..forgetting to put her invite in the fricking post, that accident!
0:24:58 > 0:25:02- You invited my mum? - Well, it was Mr Mitchell's idea.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Don't go soppy on me, Dickers.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08And Uncle Javier is here too!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Great, Uncle Javier.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I've really missed him.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Oh, me valiente hombre.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Alfie, Uncle Javier is so proud of you.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25We're going to find the men who put you in this chair, and we're going to make them pay.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Can someone stop Fernando Torres trying' to bum me?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Javier, that's not Alfie.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- This is...- Hi.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Hey.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44I knew it.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45It was a little joke.
0:25:45 > 0:25:52Er, Mum, Javier, this is the girl I've been telling you about.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Rosie.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55It's so nice to meet you.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03So will you be staying for Christmas?
0:26:03 > 0:26:09We are going to stay until little Alfie is better.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13We better head to Alfie's classroom for Christmas dinner!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Who wants turkey!
0:26:23 > 0:26:25So did you get the West Ham ticket?
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Oh, you got me that?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31So do you want to go?
0:26:31 > 0:26:32All right, yeah.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36I mean, it don't mean nothing or, like, whatever...
0:26:36 > 0:26:37You can give up that act now, babes.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41- Guess what I done with them crackers? - What?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Swapped the jokes.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44Here's one for you.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47What do nine out of ten people enjoy?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Gang ra...
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Rawr!
0:26:56 > 0:26:57An impression of a lion.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Excuse me, ladies and gents.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07Er, just going to go down the hallway to only use your lavatory.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Er, so, thank youse.
0:27:13 > 0:27:18Aw, Bonehead's got his life back on track.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Your play really helped him.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25- I just think it's great that we've been able to show him the bigger picture.- Mmm.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Oh, I got you a tiny silly little present thing.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Mitchell, how's that donkey coming along?
0:27:33 > 0:27:34It arrived from Romania about an hour ago.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Oh, amazing.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- Have you got the certificate? - What certificate?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Right, here's half the donkey.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43The rest I gave to the kitchens.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46I figured you couldn't eat it all.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Alfredo, this meat is lovely! It's so bloody moist!
0:28:00 > 0:28:03B-Buble!
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Does this mean we can listen to it every day until Christmas?
0:28:07 > 0:28:09I guess I must really love you.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12# Oh, the weather outside is frightful
0:28:12 > 0:28:16# But the fire is so delightful
0:28:16 > 0:28:18# And since we've no place to go
0:28:18 > 0:28:22# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow... #
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Sir's got a boner!
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Mitchell!