0:00:02 > 0:00:05BELL RINGS
0:00:05 > 0:00:08- MRS PICKWELL TUTS - Every morning. Off!
0:00:08 > 0:00:11This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16HE RETCHES
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Sorry.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Carry on.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27SHOUTING AND LAUGHING
0:00:31 > 0:00:32Morning, class.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35- ALL:- Morning, sir.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37I have taken the liberty
0:00:37 > 0:00:40- of doing the form register for you. - Shh, shh.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Jing, your language is very beautiful
0:00:45 > 0:00:47but means nothing to me.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Parents' evening tonight, sir. You get to meet my mum.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Everyone says she's a MILF.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- Chantelle, have you not got a class to be preparing for?- Maths.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57We're doing fractions.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Apparently 23 won't go into 15. Mrs Mollinson says it's impossible.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02We'll see about that.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- BOYS LAUGH - Oh, I can't believe you did that!
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Rem Dogg, why are you late?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10- Wheelchair.- And you, Mitchell?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- Well, this thing don't push itself, does it?- Look, please,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16it's Monday morning. I have a hangover.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Joe, can you just go and see if that first aid box
0:01:20 > 0:01:22has got any Berocca in it?
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Yes, Dad(!)
0:01:23 > 0:01:25PUPILS LAUGH
0:01:25 > 0:01:31Oh, my days! He just called Mr Wickers Dad! What a helmet!
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Shut up, Mitchell.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34At least he knows who his dad is.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37CLASS JEERS
0:02:10 > 0:02:13SNORING
0:02:20 > 0:02:24DOOR SLAMS And that is how quiet Anne Frank
0:02:24 > 0:02:27and her family had to be to evade capture by the Nazis.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Mr Wickers, I need the papers.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34- You 'vant to see my papers? - The mock exam papers, Mr Wickers.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Anything?
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Has anyone ever told you that you would make a wonderful SS officer?
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Yes. Now shall we just do this in my office?
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Yeah.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59I need to process the mock exam results
0:02:59 > 0:03:01for parents' evening tonight.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Yeah, right, good. I was hoping you'd ask about those.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07Stop fanny farting, Mr Wickers. Just give me the results, where are they?
0:03:07 > 0:03:08HE CLICKS FINGERS
0:03:08 > 0:03:10- All up here.- What?
0:03:10 > 0:03:14Seriously. Give me any student, I'll give you their results.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- Mitchell Harper.- A.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- Chantelle Parsons.- A.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- Natalya Lisovskaya.- A.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Natalya Lisovskaya was a double gold medal-winning Soviet shot putter.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27What they get up to in their free time is none of my concern, Isobel.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- SHE EXHALES - Don't call me that.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Izzy? Is that better? Sort of more chummy. The Izzter.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I suppose you think you've got balls coming in here
0:03:39 > 0:03:42playing your silly little games. Well, let me tell you something,
0:03:42 > 0:03:46I've got bigger balls than you'll ever have.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Well, it's written in the gent's, but I assumed that was just a rumour.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52It's a metaphor, Mr Wickers. Let me hit you with another.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54You're skating on very thin ice.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59And that ice is cracking with the weight of me and my ginormous balls.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Two's company, three's a crowd.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08- So, wait, now you've got three balls? - By five or they all fail.- By five?!
0:04:08 > 0:04:10But that's like 30 papers!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12That's like three hours marking!
0:04:12 > 0:04:16This is slave labour. You are persecuting me.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Parents' evening is my opportunity
0:04:18 > 0:04:21to show you up for who you really are.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24By five, or you'll be running home to your daddy
0:04:24 > 0:04:26like the pathetic little boy you are.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Oh, I won't be running anywhere.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30- Really?- No.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Because Daddy is picking me up in the car.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54- Alfie, your post in my pigeonhole again.- Morning, Rosie.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57What is it, another nomination for Teacher Of The Year?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Outstanding payment on a student loan.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02HE CHUCKLES DISMISSIVELY What are you like?
0:05:02 > 0:05:06- Lovely.- I look terrible, but thanks.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I was thinking about you last night.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I was on my way to the gym for an ab-attack.
0:05:12 > 0:05:17And I went past Cafe Rouge. Reminded me of our little date.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- It was a staff party. - You say potato, I say...
0:05:20 > 0:05:21date.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Oh, please, Alfie, not today.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30- Richard broke up with me last night. - What, HE broke up with YOU? Why?
0:05:30 > 0:05:34- You're perfect.- Oh, you know, I guess it's a relief, you know.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I mean, I'm a very physical person
0:05:36 > 0:05:41- and I think Richard was intimidated by that.- What a square!
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I mean, for the last few months we barely touched each other.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48I'm going to take a break from relationships and throw myself into my voluntary work.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50No more dating men for me.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Just orphans and abused children.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Oh, as in the charity work?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01- O-O-Obviously.- Obviously, yeah.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07But if I need some teary pity sex, you'll be on my shortlist.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I'd clear my diary like that.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Except for Thursday. It's my dad's birthday,
0:06:12 > 0:06:16so he's taking me and a friend to go and see Cirque du Soleil.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Richard used to love the circus.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Someone put your post in my pigeonhole.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Yeah, like I'm going to fall for that trick, Mollinson.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Class, I've got good news and bad news. What do you want?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40The bad news.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Well, Jing, the good news is that today's history module is Pearl Harbor,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46and we all know what that means.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47It's class wars!
0:06:49 > 0:06:53OK, so it's December 7th, 1941. We're in Hawaii, a military port.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56The first thing we're going to require is some Americans.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Andre, you're Ben Affleck. Joe, Josh Hartnett.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- Rem Dogg, you're a tank.- Yes!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Next up, I'm going to need a nurse. Where's my Beckinsale?
0:07:04 > 0:07:10- Please, sir, I'm great with cancer. I know all the words to Beaches. - All right, you can be Beckinsale.
0:07:10 > 0:07:17Now, finally, we require a member of the Japanese Imperial Air Force.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22The Emperor will be proud of you, my lotus flower.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- She's Chinese, you muppet!- I know.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29OK, positions! It's kamikaze time.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Wait, sir...what about the bad news?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Um... You might, probably, almost definitely
0:07:35 > 0:07:38are all going to fail your mock exams.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40What do you mean we're going to fail?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43It's complicated, all right, I didn't want to bore you with it.
0:07:43 > 0:07:48The important lesson here is for you to look for the positives in failure.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Like, for example, my grandad.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55He suffered failure. Lung failure.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Which meant that I inherited a Volvo.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03So remember that. Always look for the Volvo.
0:08:04 > 0:08:09So it's a quiet morning in Pearl Harbor, but not in Tokyo.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13- Alfie, we can't fail. My dad'll kill me.- Don't be silly.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15My dad'll kill you.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Well, I mean, I guess I could mark some of them.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Listen, you mug! You need to mark all of them.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Yeah, you don't want to see my dad when he's angry.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26He used to train in the same gym as David Haye.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28And Sally Gunnell.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34THEME FROM JAWS
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Nice kicks.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- Um, thank you?- Give them me.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45- What?- Give them me.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47No.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50You couldn't even wear them, they have an orthopaedic heel.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54- Shut up, Downton Abbey.- They would play havoc with your arches.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56THEME FROM JAWS RETURNS I'm sorry, Grayson,
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I'm not giving you my shoes.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Whoop, whoop!
0:09:12 > 0:09:14It's the sound of the police!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16You have been apprehended.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18You have the right to remain silent,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20although that's unlikely, as you've been arrested
0:09:20 > 0:09:24by Sergeant Fraser, head of Dave's Witty Banter Unit.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Step inside, Alf, need a quick conflabamundo.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- Oh, Give me strength. - Grab some plastic, homeboy.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Look, you're not firing me, are you?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35If this is about those fire extinguishers,
0:09:35 > 0:09:36I was doing a class on democracy.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40I was using Mitchell to demonstrate Guantanamo Bay torture techniques.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- MIMICS HOLSTERING - Holster those pistols, young ranger,
0:09:43 > 0:09:47lets just control-alt-Apple-Z that last little outburst, shall we?
0:09:47 > 0:09:52- Although for the record, that can definitely never happen again. - I get it.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56You are intimidated by my teaching methods. Right?
0:09:56 > 0:10:01Yeah, but I make learning fun. If I was a font, I'd be Comic Sans.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03You are so Times New Roman.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Shut the funk door! You know I'd be Wingdings.
0:10:06 > 0:10:12Crazy. Any-shiz, some of the old school don't get you.
0:10:12 > 0:10:17But I do. I'm young, I'm cool and I find your approach...
0:10:17 > 0:10:22IMITATES GLUGGING
0:10:22 > 0:10:25..refreshing.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29However, this little man-to-man is about Rosie. Miss Gulliver.
0:10:29 > 0:10:34As Beyonce says, she's a single lady and I'm going to put a ring in it.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37What?! You fancy Miss Gulliver?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39I likey...
0:10:39 > 0:10:40I lighty.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Oh, what's that smell?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Whiffy banter!
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Oh, for f... Look, what's this got to do with me?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- Because, Alf, you're going to be my wingman!- Uh-uh, no way.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I need your help to get Gulliver to go on a date with me.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58I'll literally follow your every word.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01My EVERY word?
0:11:02 > 0:11:06All right. Well, I guess I could give you SOME pointers.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09First piece of advice...
0:11:09 > 0:11:10completely ignore her.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Women love that shit.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- Really?- Yeah, it'll definitely work.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I can see we're going to make quite a team.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22And look, I'm already prepped. Downloaded a chat-up app.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Let's roll the dice.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27You're ridiculous.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Roses are red, violets are blue,
0:11:29 > 0:11:31later tonight I'll be hanging out the back of...
0:11:31 > 0:11:34I probably won't use that one, actually.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Can I go now?
0:11:52 > 0:11:53# Bounce
0:11:53 > 0:11:55# Bounce
0:11:55 > 0:11:56# Bounce
0:11:56 > 0:11:58# Bounce
0:11:58 > 0:11:59# Bounce... #
0:12:06 > 0:12:09So, I decided, this evening,
0:12:09 > 0:12:13- take your mind off Richard, I would book us a little table...- No, no,
0:12:13 > 0:12:16absolutely, 100% definitely not.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Sounds like a maybe.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Look, I think the reason things didn't work out with Richard
0:12:22 > 0:12:25is cos he was so old and boring.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30You know, what a lot of women prefer nowadays is a toy boy.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Ashton and Demi.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- Guy Ritchie and Madonna. - All divorced.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Ben Ofuedo and Vanessa Feltz.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Alf, I love you.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Not in that way.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46It's just...
0:12:46 > 0:12:49you are a bit immature.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51"You're a bit immature."
0:12:51 > 0:12:57- Mm.- Look, I am a grown-up. I do so many grown-up things.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01I use coasters, I put my posters into frames.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03I've got a bag-for-life.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Share my bag with me, Rosie.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Did that sound really desperate?
0:13:09 > 0:13:10A little.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12(Shit.)
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Immature!
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Hi, yeah, is that TGI Fridays?
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Yeah, I want to cancel a table booked under the name of Wickers.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Well, obviously if I'm cancelling the table,
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I also want to cancel the cake.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I can't. What's the point?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Sir?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Oh. History or something.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50Oh, stop being such a pussy. It's just a girl.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54- That's very perceptive. - Oh, no, what I meant to say was,
0:13:54 > 0:13:57stop being such a girl, it's only pussy!
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Right.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01I suppose you'll be looking for a rebound then, sir?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I feel so hurt. So upset.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08It's like getting kicked in the balls with a football
0:14:08 > 0:14:10to the power of Mufasa dying in Lion King.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- Ow!- Snap out of it.- Wow!
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- You've got quite a slap. - Well, you learn to defend yourself
0:14:16 > 0:14:19when you're the only kid in the playground with a Sade ringtone.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- He's right, you need to man up!- Ow!
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Right, OK, enough with the slapping.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- Sorry, I just wanted to hit you. - Hang on, guys,
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- Mr Wickers may be a bit of a twat.- Right...
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Despite being a twat... Don't get me wrong, he's definitely a twat.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36- OK, I think we get the picture. - But if he don't mark that shit, he'll get fired,
0:14:36 > 0:14:40then we could end up with a real teacher! We can say goodbye to class wars and hello to homework.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Screw that!
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Oh, God, my parents might send me to one of them all girls' schools
0:14:45 > 0:14:49where you're not allowed electric toothbrushes or door handles or anything.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Of course, Jing!
0:14:58 > 0:15:00You guys can mark them.
0:15:00 > 0:15:05We'll do the pass-to-the-left method! Why didn't I think of that?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Hooray for Jing! CHEERING
0:15:12 > 0:15:14You're a joke.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Yeahhhhhhh! Woo!
0:15:26 > 0:15:28A-ha, Alfie Wickers! The Wicker Man!
0:15:28 > 0:15:30- Wickers World!- What's going on here?
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Just organising a post-workage meetage at the pubage,
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Duke's Arms...age.
0:15:36 > 0:15:42We're going to talk about the school's charity calendar. I want to make a speech at parents' evening
0:15:42 > 0:15:45and the reason I've chosen this God-awful degenerative disease
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- is that...- I know all about Palmer's Syndrome.- Really?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Yep.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Personal experience. Sadly.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Who?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59- Joe's mum.- What, really?
0:15:59 > 0:16:04Yeah. Yeah, she got the old PS.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- Caught it on holiday.- Caught it?
0:16:07 > 0:16:13What I mean is, it caught up with her on holiday...obviously,
0:16:13 > 0:16:16as Palmer's Syndrome isn't contagious.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19It's er...idiopathic.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Which strand did she contract?
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Both of them.
0:16:22 > 0:16:27- Bo... Arthropathic and neuropathic? - Yeah. Yeah.- Oh, my God.- Correct.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31- God, so she had all of the symptoms?- All of them.- Which ones?
0:16:31 > 0:16:34You know, the main ones.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37S... Insomnia.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- Postural instability. - Oh, that's nasty.
0:16:40 > 0:16:45Um, the face thing, with the face...
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- Face?- Her fingers fell off.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Her fingers fell off?! I did not know that that was a symptom.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Yeah, it's not so much a symptom. It was, um, frostbite,
0:16:56 > 0:17:00she got frostbite, cos she was looking for a cure in...
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Iceland.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05That's why mums shouldn't go to Iceland!
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Anyway, I don't want to go on about it but, you know,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13I do do an awful lot for him.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17I mean, only this morning in class...
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- No, I shouldn't say, it's silly. - No, no, go on.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23- He called me Daddy.- Aw!
0:17:23 > 0:17:25It's no biggy, you know.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I had no idea that Palmer's Syndrome meant so much to you, Alfie.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Why don't you join us?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32It'd be lovely to have his input, wouldn't it, Fraser?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Well, I think it'd be better if we were just...
0:17:34 > 0:17:36It would mean a lot.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40- Who cares for the carers?- Hey, we can all go. The more, the merrier.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- Thanks, Rosie.- That's OK!
0:17:43 > 0:17:46- Can I just talk to that student? - Go get him.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Alfredo, good squire?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Mmm?- You wouldn't be cock-blocking me, would you, wingman?
0:17:52 > 0:17:56No, no. Course not, wingman.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00What I'm doing is demonstrating to her
0:18:00 > 0:18:02how unsuitable I am
0:18:02 > 0:18:06to highlight how great you are, Maverick.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Mmm. Thunking outside the box,
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Goose.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15Oh, BT-dubs, love the way you rock out with your croc out.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20# Wretchro boy # You know we make examples
0:18:20 > 0:18:25# We're history's booth # This is a future cut
0:18:25 > 0:18:28# Unorthodox We call our own shots. #
0:18:29 > 0:18:34Joe, I am going to need you to go ahead and hide in the cupboard.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36OK...
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Quick!
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Hey, sorry, just busy with... - Sorry, Alfie, I was just thinking,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49about Joe's mum, um...
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Alfie, why are the kids sat like that?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Oh, we're learning about South Africa.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Right. Um...
0:19:00 > 0:19:02I was thinking, I could really use Joe's mum in the campaign.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Really?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Is that a good idea?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08It's a personal story, give the appeal resonance.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Shock people into action!
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Yeah, but, you know...
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- So can I just have a quick word with Joe?- No.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18Er, you can't, cos he was ill, so he went to the doctor.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Let's hope he hasn't got it as well.
0:19:21 > 0:19:26- Oh, well, if you see him, just tell me, won't you?- Will do.- OK.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- < JOE:- Can I come out now?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- What was that?- What was what, sorry?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34That voice from the cupboard.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Nelson Mandela.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Yeah. Robben Island.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Sorry, Mandy! 1989, one more year!
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Crack on, you've got a book to write.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47IMPERSONATES MANDELA: See you later.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Miss Gulliver is so buffting.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- Yeah, she's hot, man, like proper spice!- No, she ain't!
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Chantelle. Shakespeare.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Shakespeare, Jing, he was an English writer who wrote Romeo and Juliet.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08and The King's Speech.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Hey!
0:20:11 > 0:20:16So, you know the way I'm your favourite teacher in the whole world?
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Well, I need a little favour from my favourite pupil.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- You are always asking me to do you favours.- No, I'm not. Give me one.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Yesterday, at break,
0:20:25 > 0:20:29when you made me go up to Conor Wilson and tell him that you were Banksy.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Look, all I need you to do this time, very simple,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35is to pretend your mum has a potentially fatal, degenerative disease
0:20:35 > 0:20:37so that Miss Gulliver goes on a date with me
0:20:37 > 0:20:42and subsequently, at some point in the future, hopefully becomes my girlfriend.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45OK.
0:20:45 > 0:20:50# Free, free, free Nelson Mandela
0:20:52 > 0:20:58# Free Nelson Mandela... #
0:21:01 > 0:21:04HE COUGHS Oh, Miss Pickwell.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- See you, er, got the papers?- Indeed.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Good. So, er, what were the results?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Oh, silly me.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19All up here.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Whose do you want to know?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- Um, Mitchell?- Fail.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25- Remi?- Fail.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- Stephen?- Fail.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Fail, fail, fail, fail,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33fail, fail, fail, fail. fail, fail, fail.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37OK. Starting to see a bit of a pattern emerging here.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41- Oh, what about Chantelle? - Oh, let's see.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Oh, 100%.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47"Could try harder to be less of a slag."
0:21:47 > 0:21:49HE SNICKERS Classic.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51You didn't mark their papers, Mr Wickers.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54They did. And because of this, they all failed.
0:21:54 > 0:21:59The trouble with you, Mr Wickers, is you're all fart and no poo.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Let me tell you this, when I fart...
0:22:03 > 0:22:05..I follow through.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16So, as Chantelle's mother
0:22:16 > 0:22:17and...
0:22:17 > 0:22:19father?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24I-I...
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Sorry, um, you're not actually allowed to smoke in here...
0:22:29 > 0:22:31..or indeed any buildings these days.
0:22:33 > 0:22:39Um, what it is, is that Chantelle has failed her mock exam.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45I bet she done all right on her oral.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48I teach history, we don't even do an...
0:22:48 > 0:22:49Never mind.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Oh...
0:22:53 > 0:22:56HE SQUEAKS
0:22:56 > 0:23:00MUSIC: "Frisky" by Tinie Tempah
0:23:12 > 0:23:15IMPERSONATES GONG SOUND
0:23:16 > 0:23:19So before we get onto Jing, serious question.
0:23:19 > 0:23:24How long until all the pets we have will be robots?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33ROSIE GIGGLES
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Oh... Struggling, Wickers?
0:23:43 > 0:23:47I always find parents' evening a lot less stressful
0:23:47 > 0:23:49if at least one of my children has passed.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51That's the problem with you, Pickwell.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55It's all about results and grades.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- My class have other talents.- Right.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Stephen knows all the words to Steel Magnolias.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05- Wow(!)- That's like a three-hour film.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09And Mitchell Harper can hold his breath for four minutes.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- Twice what I can do!- Right.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14And you remember Joe, the boy you wanted to exclude?
0:24:14 > 0:24:20Well, he has got a birthmark that looks exactly like James May.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23So you may not see much in my them,
0:24:23 > 0:24:26but I believe in my class.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30And for the record, they're not children, OK?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32They are young adults.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Oh, shit!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Rem Dogg's dad's got a glass eye!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37What a penis!
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Alfie, I think this whole Miss Gulliver thing might've got out of hand.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55- What happened?- Well, she was asking me all these questions
0:24:55 > 0:24:57and I just started panicking. And then...
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Look, look, calm down, it's going to be fine.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03- I told her my mum was dead. - Oh, shit!- Boo!
0:25:04 > 0:25:09First a mahoo-ssive thank you for coming to parents' evening.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13I know it can be difficult hearing how your sprogs are a little bit slow on the uptake.
0:25:13 > 0:25:18And you're thinking, "Oh, God, why didn't I lay off the cider after the first scan?"
0:25:22 > 0:25:25But it's important to remember that there are kids out there
0:25:25 > 0:25:27less fortunate than your own.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32So here to tell you a little bit about our fundraising venture
0:25:32 > 0:25:35is the wonderful Miss Gulliver. Big hand, please.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- Shit, you have to stop her!- How?
0:25:40 > 0:25:43We are all going to die.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46But what if I told you, madam,
0:25:46 > 0:25:50that your child wasn't going to reach the age of 30?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Because that's the reality of Palmer's Syndrome.
0:25:54 > 0:25:59It's a condition that affects one in six million.
0:25:59 > 0:26:04IMPERSONATES BOB GELDOF: So give us all your fuckin' money now!
0:26:04 > 0:26:09That is the message here. Now, if everyone wants to make their way through to the foyer,
0:26:09 > 0:26:11there's a complimentary glass of red or white wine.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Let's get in before Ms Mollinson necks it all,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16we all know what she's been like ever since her husband left her!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Alfie, not now.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22So I would like to tell you a story about a brave woman
0:26:22 > 0:26:26who this year lost her battle with Palmer's Syndrome.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30A remarkable woman. Joe's mum.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Emma Poulter.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Hang on. Who?!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- Free booze!- What's going on?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Some people find loss very hard to take.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Emma Poulter isn't dead.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Denial. First stage of grief.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48I'm Emma Poulter.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Second stage, identity theft.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53No, I am Emma Poulter!
0:26:53 > 0:26:56CONFUSED MUTTERING
0:26:56 > 0:26:59No, I am Emma Poulter!
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Because in many ways we're all Emma Poulters,
0:27:03 > 0:27:06because this disease can affect anyone.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09I'm very much alive, and I haven't got Palmer's Syndrome.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Alfie? She...
0:27:13 > 0:27:15You said that...
0:27:15 > 0:27:18She's got ten massive fingers!
0:27:18 > 0:27:22- Right, Wickers, my office now! Come on.- Wait! Wait!
0:27:22 > 0:27:26It's not his fault. I did it.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28I just wanted to make Mr Wickers happy.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32I just wanted to show off to him.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- He's the dad I never really had. - Oh, my God...
0:27:36 > 0:27:38- PARENTS:- Aw!
0:27:39 > 0:27:41But I'm your dad.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Oh, bollocks.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50God, I really need a drink.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Yeah, well, let's go to the pubage.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57- I haven't been out for a long time. - Don't worry, I'll look after you.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03I'm sorry, Alfie.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06It's just all so cringe.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08I failed again.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Look for the Volvo.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Do you want to go play Time Crisis and shove some dog shit
0:28:17 > 0:28:19through Pickwell's letter box?
0:28:19 > 0:28:20Yeah.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Let's do that again.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd