0:00:02 > 0:00:04Come on or we'll get caught. Actually, if I get caught,
0:00:04 > 0:00:06does it mean I don't have to go on a French Exchange?
0:00:06 > 0:00:11Just shut up and keep guard, all right? You can't hurry art. This is my Sistine Chapel.
0:00:11 > 0:00:17This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19- Why are you doing this? - Er, revenge! You've seen the gents',
0:00:19 > 0:00:21the slander all over the walls.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24That has got Pickwell's name written all over it.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26It's got YOUR name written all over it.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28She is the only person in this school
0:00:28 > 0:00:30that hates me enough to write those mean things.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32What? About your weird feet?
0:00:32 > 0:00:36They're not weird, they're just...flat
0:00:36 > 0:00:39and slightly webbed.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42- Is that why you have to wear the special shoes? - You lot are just jealous
0:00:42 > 0:00:44because I'm evolving quicker.
0:00:44 > 0:00:49When the ice caps melt, I will be swimming to safety like Kevin Costner in Waterworld.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50What's Waterworld?
0:00:50 > 0:00:54"What's Waterworld"?! You haven't seen Waterworld?
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Ah, Jesus!
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Give me that, you little turd.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Right. Off you go. LEAVE!
0:01:01 > 0:01:05- She's coming!- Shit! Hide! - There's no way out.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07- The ventilation shaft.- How?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09- Haven't you seen Die Hard? - It's an 18!
0:01:09 > 0:01:11What?!
0:01:12 > 0:01:14First Waterworld, now this?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16What do they teach you people?
0:01:24 > 0:01:26WHISPERS: I told you she had a wang.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Everything all right in there?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35- Do a noise.- Like what?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37A girl having a crap.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42HE STRAINS
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Pathetic.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Yippee ki yay, mu... Oh, you wouldn't get it.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32It's Dick and Dick in Da Bungalow.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Well, that's actually a compliment
0:02:35 > 0:02:37because they won two Children's BAFTAs. What's this?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Taking a photo of you two butt nuggets leaving the ladies.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I'm twitpicin' that shit.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46- Don't be a dick.- Chill out, flippers. - Someone's been reading Pickwell's graffiti, I see.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47That's my graffiti, innit.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Covering for her? I'm surprised.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- You're many things, Grayson, but I didn't think you could be bought. - Oh, shut up, jumper.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Jumper?
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Yeah. You're wearing a jumper, and jumpers are bent, mate.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02This is not bent, this is Dries Van Noten.
0:03:02 > 0:03:08Marvin from JLS rocked one of these bad boys on The One Show.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Look, just delete the photo.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Shut up, Chicken Dippa!
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- Please.- And what if I don't?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Then I will...
0:03:18 > 0:03:22tell on you to a more senior member of staff.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23THEY LAUGH
0:03:23 > 0:03:26You is brass, bruv.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Oh, thank you.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Tell you what - I'll delete the photo if you do me a favour.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37OK, but I'm not getting involved in any of your gang nonsense.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I've seen Kidulthood. I'm not killing anyone with a bat.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- Change?- But it was my money.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58And the rest.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Prick.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08That went well.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Sacre bleu, le enfant terrible, le bon vivant, le petit filou..
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Fraser, Ca...
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Brie?
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Erm look, about the French Exchange, er, please don't send Joe.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22He really doesn't want to go. He hates France!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25I was thinking, maybe you could send a Francophile?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Why would we send the PE teacher?
0:04:27 > 0:04:31No, someone who loves France.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Skin?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Hanging!
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Why are there all these parents here?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39What's with all the questions? Am I on Mastermind?
0:04:39 > 0:04:43If I am, chosen specialist subject, classical banter.
0:04:43 > 0:04:456th of the 9th '73 to Present day.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46What's going on?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I've started so I'll finish.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50The MILF brigade are in a bit of a tizz
0:04:50 > 0:04:53about the impending arrivee of the French Exchange.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56After last year's little debacle,
0:04:56 > 0:05:00this year the parents don't want their kids getting pregnant.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Frigid! So, to quash any menopausal mayhem,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07you have done the assembly on PSHE, haven't you?
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Yeah!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Well, I mean, I haven't.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- I let Stephen do it because he's into drama and stuff.- Oh, yeah.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17He's doing a presentation on gender equality.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Rennie?
0:05:21 > 0:05:22I've double-dropped.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42# I can do it like a brother do it like a dude
0:05:42 > 0:05:45# Grab my crotch wear my hat low like you
0:05:45 > 0:05:48# Do it like a brother do it like a dude
0:05:48 > 0:05:52# Grab my crotch wear my hat low like you
0:05:52 > 0:05:55# We can do it like the man'dem man'dem
0:05:55 > 0:05:59# We can do it like the man'dem sugar, sugar, sugar
0:05:59 > 0:06:02# We can do it like the man'dem man'dem
0:06:02 > 0:06:06# We can do it like the man'dem sugar, sugar, sugar. #
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Not a fan of R'n'B.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Right, those aren't normally allowed.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- It's shocking.- I'll have her out of those in no time.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38OK, that didn't come out right.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40< I'm worried for all our daughters...
0:06:40 > 0:06:42- What?- Fraser's so out of his depth.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44We were talking about teen sexuality,
0:06:44 > 0:06:49and I was telling him about my experiences at a young age with other girls.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53He just made this grunt noise, tensed up
0:06:53 > 0:06:56and he ran to the toilet.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57It's sad really.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Yeah, cos I'm, like, so cool with that.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04You know, you...
0:07:04 > 0:07:06other girls, making out...
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Cos what I mean is like we've all done that.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17We've all been there, like, I had a thing, when I was, like, 13.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22I was having a sleepover, and I was top-and-tailing with Atticus Hoye
0:07:22 > 0:07:25and, I was at half mast,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28maybe even two thirds.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30No, but you see Alfie,
0:07:30 > 0:07:34my point is that I think Fraser might have a more personal problem.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Lives in Derby now, old Atticus.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Added me on Facebook the other day.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Let's just say, I would not get a semi anymore.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- Shall we go and help Fraser?- Yep.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- This is going straight onto Mumsnet. - Sod Mumsnet.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52OK, last year Jean Claude caused a bit of a stir.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- Disgusting beast.- Chill, Winston!
0:07:55 > 0:07:59You've let this place become a den of inequity. Look at this!
0:07:59 > 0:08:04- Don't you think girls have enough pressure without this kind of thing? - Oh, we don't discriminate.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07We let the Dove adverty ones enter. Fat Alice did it last year.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- That's outrageous.- Exactly. That's why I voted her off in the first round.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12"Fat Alice" is my daughter!
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Hasn't she got nice eyes?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Yeah, lovely girl.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Bubbly Alice.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21And it's gonna be worse when the exchange students arrive.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24I don't want some predator in a beret groping my daughter.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Mrs Lythgoe, if it's any consolation
0:08:26 > 0:08:30I think twinkly-eyed Alice will be very low down on their list.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- No, that's appears to have made it worse.- Look.
0:08:36 > 0:08:41You're all squabbling over what is the most beautiful part in bringing up a child.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44We have to work together to help our kids
0:08:44 > 0:08:47embrace the changes that are going on inside their bodies.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- COUGHS:- Bullshit! - Finally some sense!
0:08:50 > 0:08:53I think it's really important that we make a stand...
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Yo, my turn. Um.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Just wanted to throw this one out there.
0:08:57 > 0:09:03If any of the staff or indeed mums that are under the age of 40,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05unless they're proper fit...
0:09:08 > 0:09:10want to come and draw on my wealth
0:09:10 > 0:09:14of sexual knowledge, you know where my door is.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17How can I trust this moron with teaching my children
0:09:17 > 0:09:19something as important as sex education?
0:09:19 > 0:09:24I can assure you we are more than qualified to deal with this.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- Perhaps some of the parents might like to sit in on a class? - Mr Wickers!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29You'd be happy with that, wouldn't you?
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Erm...
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Alfie?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Yep. Yeah. Sure, fine, yeah, cool.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Share the knowledge. Feel the force.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I'm like a sex Yoda.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Many times done it, I have.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Oh, top notch Jedi banter.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Well, that's settled then.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54What say you meet us all back here at 2.30?
0:09:54 > 0:09:58And I can promise, by the time that mini-bus arrives from France,
0:09:58 > 0:10:02all your little Casanovas will know their pinks from their browns.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03OK?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14You need to be aware of all the major sexual organs.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Yeah.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Labia...
0:10:19 > 0:10:21vulva...
0:10:21 > 0:10:22vagina.
0:10:22 > 0:10:28So, we're all good talking about the...
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Anus.
0:10:30 > 0:10:35I thought we could watch a home video my husband and I made on our honeymoon.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38It's on the internet somewhere.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Acts 15-20.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44"And Moses did write to them, telling them to abstain
0:10:44 > 0:10:48"from sexual immorality and from the meat of strangled animals."
0:10:48 > 0:10:50That's funny, Miss.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- I've heard you like to strangle the meat of your animal. - Shut up, Grayson.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- 'And in we go. Back and forth, back and forth!- Olive, do you want a scotch egg?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00'Who's a good boy?'
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Sex was invented...
0:11:03 > 0:11:05by the Romans.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10Pornography will give you a totally distorted impression of the female body.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Those aren't real women. This is.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18It's... Fanny!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24I give up. I don't know how to do it.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Sir, why don't you just draw a frog's dick so Joe knows what he'll be sucking on next week.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30You're an idiot.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Look, Joe,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34you never know. You might enjoy it.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36I'd rather shit in my hand and clap.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Sir, why is it only me
0:11:38 > 0:11:42that has to go to a French Farm to stay with a bunch of freaks?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Not all farmers are freaks.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Alex James - he's in Blur.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50But they sent me some cheese, through the post.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52There you are. That's lovely.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Probably made from the farmer's wife's tit milk.- Don't be stupid.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- They do that. I read it in Nuts. - What?- Yeah.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- And you're gonna have to wank off a cow.- Why on earth would he have to do that?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03To get milk, you pagan.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05You genuinely think that's where milk comes from?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Look, France isn't that bad.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09They've got loads of cool stuff
0:12:09 > 0:12:14like skiing and...
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Poirot.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Er, Poirot, Jing, erm,
0:12:18 > 0:12:21he was a fictional detective created by Agatha Christie.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25You know, Murder On The Orient Express.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Er, don't worry, they murder an American, not one of yours.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I can't believe you've actually read a book.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Book? I watched the TV shows.
0:12:36 > 0:12:42OK, let's do this. And remember, it's all anonymous so you've got nothing to worry about.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47"Should I stop strangling when their lips go blue?"
0:12:47 > 0:12:51- Right, I'm not going to even dignify that with a response, Mitchell. - Sir!
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Will any of the French exchange boys be on Grinder?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Stephen, I have no idea.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02- Lucky dip then.- Is it too much to ask to have a serious one?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07"He's 23, I'm 15, what will it feel like?"
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Illegal, Chantelle!
0:13:19 > 0:13:20Oh!
0:13:22 > 0:13:26I have just had...the most...
0:13:26 > 0:13:29amazing sex ed class.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33It was so honest.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35We had this big discussion about losing your virginity
0:13:35 > 0:13:38and Jason Stephens admitted he was still a virgin.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41HE LAUGHS
0:13:41 > 0:13:42That's good.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45No, it wasn't a joke, Alfie. It was heartfelt and moving.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49- What's that book?- Ah it's, er... - Oh, I know this one.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51It's very helpful with the basics.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Yeah, I mean I didn't really need it.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57It was just in class earlier I sort of messed up a diagram of a penis.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58I mean my one of the woman's erm...
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Vagina?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Yeah. Vajuja.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07I mean that was good cos obviously I've seen many of them,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10but, in my time, so I got all the bits right.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13You know, tubes,
0:14:13 > 0:14:15the eggs,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17and, erm, the...
0:14:18 > 0:14:19..lid.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21The lid? Do you mean the labia?
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Yes. Yeah.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- The lab...lab...labia. - Labia, yes.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27That's what it's called.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Look, if you're teaching the phallus,
0:14:29 > 0:14:31then it's very important you know your own.
0:14:31 > 0:14:36How can you expect your class to understand their bodies if you don't understand yours?
0:14:36 > 0:14:40You don't need this. Just study your own.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Get to know it.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42What, I mean,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45should I, like, trace it?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Examine it, don't be afraid of it.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I don't need this, this shitty book.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54There's all my answers.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- Yeah, damn this shitty book.- Aargh!
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Oh, I think you hit someone, Alfie.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Fraser, what are you doing?
0:15:01 > 0:15:07Oh, just, er, just Peter Crouch'ing. You know, squat thrusts.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Just a standard library gym sesh. Working on the old, er, bibliopecs.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14How are the old pump and grind classes going?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Yeah, I was just telling Alfie.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19I mean this is the stuff that reminds me why I teach.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Don't you think it's amazing that we can inspire such honesty sexually?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Here's that book you asked for.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Oh, that's, no, that's not for me.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33It is. You specifically made me buy it from Amazon.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Oh, fine. Very chatty for a librarian, aren't you?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42It's for my class.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46So, I'll go and read it, to them, now.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Now? Classes don't start for half an hour.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Oh, oops! Jumped the gun again! Not again.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03OK, I need to inspire some honesty,
0:16:03 > 0:16:07so I'm going to need one of you to lie about being gay.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09That will make my sex ed class look so pro.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12You know, you come out then I'll counsel you, like the bald guy
0:16:12 > 0:16:14they bring out on Jeremy Kyle.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17I'll go gay, Sir. But only if you watch.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19And from now on, comments like that will be banned.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Sir, after a good deal of soul searching, and a powerful journey
0:16:22 > 0:16:27of self discovery. I have come to the conclusion that I am gay.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32Ah, that's lovely Stephen. But what we need here is a surprise...
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Joe?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- No. No, no, no.- Look... - No, no.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Now don't over-react.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42- No.- Just calm down. - No. I'm not doing it.- Please.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45All I'm asking you to do is to be gay for a day.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48You just stand up in the middle of the class and say "Mr Wickers,
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- "I'm out and proud." - Alfie, please don't do this.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Look, we all go through phases.
0:16:53 > 0:16:58This one time, me and Atticus Hoye were apple-bobbing at Patrick Marsh's barn-dance,
0:16:58 > 0:17:02and let's just say, our hands did not remain behind our backs.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05I really, really don't want to do this.
0:17:05 > 0:17:11Please. I know, I'll get you out of going to France.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14You promise?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Have I ever let you down?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Ah, that's very sweet of you to offer to come out as well, Jing,
0:17:23 > 0:17:26but, er, as they say in China - "one child will do."
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Aaaw, that sounds like the French exchange.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- Oh, they're gonna be fit. - Oh, the bender bus has turned up.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Where are this lot from in France anyway?
0:17:37 > 0:17:41- From the town of Hoogeveen. - Hoogeveen? That sounds German.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Are you sure it's in France.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Yes. From the French province of Drenthe.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Erm. Hoogeveen is in Holland.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53For God's sakes man, you teach Geography.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Well, I don't know. I mean, who's ever been to Holland?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58I used to work in Amsterdam.
0:17:58 > 0:18:04Well, they're Dutch. It's fine. I mean, they're not obsessed with sex.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09I mean look, no-one's gonna be hopping on that.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21# Sexy boy... #
0:18:25 > 0:18:30Oh, my God! Get that boy to the wheelie bins now!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Shut up, you slag. He's well bent.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- Ain't he, Stephen? - Well, if he isn't, I'll bend him.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39Oh, waffles.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Shoot in da hoop. Into me.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Whoa. You just denied this quarterback a three-pointer.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56- Fraser, Joe can't go to Hoogeveen. - New balls, please.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Oh, email from Mr Smith asking me
0:19:00 > 0:19:03to stop referring to him as a brother from another mother.
0:19:03 > 0:19:09He shoots and... Ooh, touchdown!
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- Fraser, did you listen to me? Joe can't go.- Why?
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Look...
0:19:16 > 0:19:20..he has been having some words with me in private
0:19:20 > 0:19:26about a couple of issues that his having regarding his sexuality.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Why would that mean he can't go to Holland?
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Fraser! Holland!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34A young chap like that.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Vulnerable, unsure of himself, wandering round
0:19:38 > 0:19:42the red light district of Amsterdam, high on marijuana.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44They'd pass his bottom round like a joint.
0:19:44 > 0:19:49Ooh. Formal warning from the governors regarding
0:19:49 > 0:19:51my conduct towards a black parent.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54# Do, do, do, do
0:19:54 > 0:19:56# Do, do, do, do
0:19:56 > 0:19:57# Do, do, do, do
0:19:57 > 0:19:59# Do, do, do, do... #
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Home run!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03HE IMITATES A BUGLE CALL
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Actually can you just, er, pick that one out,
0:20:07 > 0:20:11I should probably give it a read before the hearing.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16So, are we agreed? Joe's not going?
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Well, if he's having t'issues, we can't send him abroad.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22I'll just ring around for another pupil.
0:20:22 > 0:20:27Oh, before you do that, one of Ms Pickwell's class
0:20:27 > 0:20:32has expressed a real affinity with the culture.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Get in the locker!
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Hello, Francis.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Well, if ain't Dries Von Noten.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Ooh, speaking a little Dutch. That'll come in handy.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48You been sniffing Pritt Stick again, you dick rash?
0:20:48 > 0:20:52No, because I've found out that it's solvent free.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56- Mug.- Fraser has just been on the phone to your parents.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00Turns out there was a last minute drop out on the Dutch exchange,
0:21:00 > 0:21:04and we all decided that you could go instead.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07You're going to love it on the farm in Hoogeveen.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11The 5am starts, the smell of manure,
0:21:11 > 0:21:15the vigorous milking, and that's just Mrs Vorhoeven.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19As they say in Holland, auf wiedersehen.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23# Bendable, poseable
0:21:23 > 0:21:25# Bendable, poseable
0:21:29 > 0:21:31# Bendable, poseable
0:21:31 > 0:21:33# Bendable, poseable... #
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- Welcome. Wilkommen. Bienvenue. - Don't block the camera.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41- Camera? Are you filming this? - Yeah, I'm streaming it on Mumsnet.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Thank you very much for that.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Now, I'm glad you could all make it to one of our live sex shows.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Sorry - live classes on sex, sex ed class.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51It's not a live sex show.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Now, I know you're all a little bit worried about your kids
0:21:55 > 0:22:00mingling with the French students, and their dubious sexual outlook.
0:22:01 > 0:22:06Fear not, because luckily, ah, our students are in fact, Dutch.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15So, enough tickle, a bit more tackle, funk you very much.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Settle down, brothers and sisters. It's time to share.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Where have I been? Good question.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Well, I've been sat in a room getting to know my penis.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37And you know what?
0:22:38 > 0:22:42He's a pretty great guy, cos Miss G's right.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46How can you lot understand your penises
0:22:46 > 0:22:49if you don't get to know my penis first?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51That's out of context.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54You don't need books.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Or libraries.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00All of the answers are in here. The pant library.
0:23:00 > 0:23:07So, next chapter, sex.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11I thought you guys should share.
0:23:13 > 0:23:19Is there anything anyone wants to share with the group? Joe, maybe?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Something that you might like to tell us,
0:23:21 > 0:23:25some honesty that I've inspired?
0:23:25 > 0:23:29- No.- For me, it's all about making everyone happy.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31It's just our bodies, guys, let's have fun.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35Right, I'm sorry. We're not talking about fun, and happiness, Hoogeveen.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37We're talking about sex, yeah?
0:23:37 > 0:23:41But if you're not mature enough to share with the group, that's fine.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Hey, I'm mature enough. You want me to share? OK well, I like to strum the clitoris.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Ooh. Don't say that!
0:23:47 > 0:23:49- What's a glitorish?- Oh, it's like...
0:23:49 > 0:23:51It's nothing. It doesn't even exist. It's a myth.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55- Wait. You're saying the clitoris is a myth?- What is a glitorish? - Chantelle'll show you.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- Yeah, all right.- Chantelle, keep your clothes on.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Hey, brother, why don't you share your experiences.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Erm, does anyone want to help me out? Joe?
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- What is a glitorish?- And what's a MILF?- Right, not helping.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- You're mum's a MILF.- She's not. - MILF, my friend, is a mother I'd like to...
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Fondle! Fondle. A mother I would like to fondle.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18- Joe, are you sure there is nothing you want to tell us?- No.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20What's that I can smell? Is it cheese?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22It's almost like we're on a farm.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- I'm gay.- Sorry? I didn't hear it.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27You'll have to be a little bit louder.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I'm gay.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Gay! Yup! How honest!
0:24:32 > 0:24:36- Oh, well done, Joe! - That's great, man.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Mitchell, you owe us a fiver. I told you.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39I'm not actually gay.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42No, no, no. He, he definitely is a gay.
0:24:42 > 0:24:47- Well, are you gay or not? - Alfie made me be gay for him.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Er, right. I, I didn't.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51No, you did. You said if I didn't go gay for you,
0:24:51 > 0:24:53you'd send me to Holland to live on a farm.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56It sounds a lot worse than it actually is was.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Look, Grayson's sent me a photo of them coming out of the ladies toilet together!
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- What a shit! I bought him cider. - That's not good.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- Mumsnet has just crashed. - That is good.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08- If you like sex so much, what's your favourite position?- All of them. Shall we change the subject?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- What foreplay do you take? - All of the main ones.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- When was the last time you had sex? - Erm, on holiday.- Who was she?
0:25:14 > 0:25:16- It was a long time ago. I can't remember.- What was her name?
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- She didn't have one.- Did she have balls, Sir?- I don't know.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Was it a man? What was his name?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Calm Down. Calm down. - Is it on YouPorn? What's ATM?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Er, stop asking me so many questions!
0:25:27 > 0:25:32- Come on, man, share with the group. - Leave me alone, Hoogeveen.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35I haven't.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37All right.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39I haven't ever slept with anyone.
0:25:40 > 0:25:46I had a girlfriend for a long time but she wanted to save herself.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51It just didn't happen.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57What is a glitorish?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I don't know what kind of weird, sick paedophile kind of teachers
0:26:00 > 0:26:01you employ here, but they are not right here,
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- they are not right with children. - OK, Mrs Lythgoe,
0:26:04 > 0:26:07chill your boots, chill your hips, chill your lips, chill your...
0:26:07 > 0:26:08just chill, just chill.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10To be honest, I think we've got off on the wrong foot.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Alice, have you ever seen her dance?
0:26:13 > 0:26:16She is like two Wayne Sleeps. I don't mean in size.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18She she's a very, very dainty girl.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Alice has an inherited glandular disorder.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23She's not fat, as you called her.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25It's phat with a "ph".
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Alfie.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27What?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29About the class, erm...
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Look. I don't want to talk about it, all right.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35No, I just wanted to say that I was really, really impressed.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37You did exactly what I said.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41You helped them understand it's OK not to rush things,
0:26:41 > 0:26:43by being honest about yourself.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Really?
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Yes, Alfie. Really.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50See you tomorrow.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54- Now, AlfBo. - Why are you calling me that?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- SuBo, never been kissed. - Never call me that again.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59So, Mumsnet is back online, and it is not good.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03There is, what can only be described as an angry hate mob demanding I sack you.
0:27:03 > 0:27:08Yeah, but luckily I've hit on a way of you taking a brief sabbatical.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10You know what they say, out of sight,
0:27:10 > 0:27:13out of murderous, angry minds.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Right?
0:27:15 > 0:27:21Did you know Hoogeveen has one of Holland's oldest peat farms?
0:27:22 > 0:27:23What?
0:27:30 > 0:27:31Virgins say what?
0:27:31 > 0:27:34What?
0:27:40 > 0:27:45This is going to be the longest coach journey of your life.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48HE LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd