0:00:02 > 0:00:04Listen, guys, concentrate. It's important you remember this.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Get ready. She's coming.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08In three, two...
0:00:10 > 0:00:13ALL: Oh, Captain, my Captain.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Guys. Come on.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19- They do this every time I try and go to the loo.- Staff room.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21- It's a date. - It's a staff meeting.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24BELL RINGS
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Oi, sir, man! You said you were going to help me down!
0:00:32 > 0:00:37This programme contains adult humour.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05I want your clothes, your books and your attention, please.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Mollinson, Mollinson. It's just a line from a film.
0:01:08 > 0:01:14Now, it turns out I was wrong about the ban on religious symbols in schools.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17That law applies to France only. My bad!
0:01:17 > 0:01:21So, if any of the pupils want to reclaim their possessions,
0:01:21 > 0:01:23I've got 13 crucifixes,
0:01:23 > 0:01:26three skullcaps, and Samira Habsi's burqa.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Mr Habsi exploded.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Not like that.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Although, to apologise for my misreading of his faith,
0:01:34 > 0:01:38I've sent him a bottle of wine and a hock of ham.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Fraser, can I raise something? I read this in Metro this morning.
0:01:41 > 0:01:47Oh, my God! You read Metro? I read Metro, too. That is so weird.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50It says there's this video game that kids are getting obsessed with.
0:01:50 > 0:01:55Tokyo Sin SS - Dead Light District.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57According to this,
0:01:57 > 0:02:01the child plays a ninja who hunts down and murders Nazi prostitutes.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Is it free world or platform?
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Kids are copying the moves,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07beating each other up in the playground, doing karate.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- Bukkake?- Karate.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10You're so deaf.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Ban the game, kill the virus.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I agree with Isabelle.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Whilst we're at it, why don't we ban those wheelie shoes?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I smacked a boy on the head, he shot off down the corridor,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23went straight through a plate glass window.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25I no longer agree with Isabelle.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Other schools are tough on violence. Look at St Stephen's!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- They had a weapons amnesty. - Re-to-the-wind.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35- Someone call Shaggy and tell him it was me on the bathroom floor. - Oh, Jesus wept!
0:02:35 > 0:02:39If we want to find out why these kids are addicted to this game,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42we need to bring up a vein, take a hit ourselves and see
0:02:42 > 0:02:44if we can't help them kick the habit.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47What? You're not seriously considering buying the game?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49I think our budget can stretch to that.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Ooh, can it stretch to FIFA?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54This is work, Alfie. When you're at home you can play whatever you want.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56My husband and I play with Wee.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Oh, you're on Nintendo?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59What's Nintendo?
0:02:59 > 0:03:00Meeting adjourned.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Hey. So, about that amnesty thing.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08I was thinking that we should do one of them here, me and you.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- What, at Abbey Grove? Do you think it's that bad, really?- Yeah.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14I keep you shielded from it but it's a jungle out there.
0:03:15 > 0:03:20- OK, our kids have weapons? - Yeah. Mitchell, Joe, Rem Dogg...
0:03:20 > 0:03:22The boy in the wheelchair?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24He's the worst. He's got, like,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27spikes that he puts on his hub caps like in Ben-Hur.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Well, I do think an amnesty could be a good idea.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Ooh, I know.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- I could get our amnesty some press. - Press?
0:03:33 > 0:03:38- I've got a contact at the Observer. - Ooh, the Observer?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40The Watford Observer.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44I used to hook up with a page three girl there.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46The Watford Observer doesn't have a page three.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Well, her article about me was on page three.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- Why were you in the press? - Broke my leg
0:03:53 > 0:03:54playing human chess.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58- Sorry, you broke your leg...- So, the amnesty, we're going to need a venue.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- Now I was thinking...- Canteen?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Nando's. A little wing roulette.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Two sides, macho peas, the rice.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Maybe a movie afterwards to celebrate?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I'll see if the canteen's free.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Suit yourself.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Hey, the press are going to love this, aren't they?
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Little celebrity power couple, changing the world for the better.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Brangelina, Bennifer...
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- ..Rudy.- Who's Rudy?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Richard and Judy.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I'll see you at lunch, Alfie. Please don't book Nando's.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33I won't. I couldn't.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34I've tried.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36They don't take bookings.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Their chicken's first come, first served, baby.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Not my class.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52OK, guys, there's something very important that I need you to do.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- Ooh, thanks.- No problem. It's on the house.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Because that's what friends do, isn't it?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00They buy things for each other.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05You all look knackered.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Have you had another party that I wasn't invited to?
0:05:09 > 0:05:13- They've all been playing Tokyo Sin. - Yes, bruv, Tokyo Sin is dench!
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Hang on, hands up if you've got this game.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Typical, Joe, the only one of my crew with a little bit of sense.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27It's just that it's an 18 and my mum won't buy it for me.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30If only I had an adult friend who owed me big time.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Sir, Tokyo Sin is just a craze.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35You don't get crazes, though, do you, sir?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37You're older than that condom you got in your wallet.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Sir didn't get crazes, cos he went to a posh boys school.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Too busy playing quidditch with David Cameron.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Right, I didn't go to Hogwarts.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49And look, for the record, we had crazes too.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Yeah. Pogs.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Mmm, now there was a craze. Who remembers Pogs?
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Pogs!
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Oh, you missed out! Pogs were amazing.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06You had these little cardboard discs, right,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08and you piled them up into a tower,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11and then with another cardboard disc you'd chuck it
0:06:11 > 0:06:14at the pile of cardboard discs, and it...
0:06:18 > 0:06:22I'm going to accept that Pogs has not aged well.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Stephen, no offence, but this game, is it your kind of thing?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Nazis in fishnets? It's just like Cabaret.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Chantelle, you're a girl...
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Who meets guys on the online multiplayer. Look me up.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39My name's Jailbait. All one word.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40And I've got webcam.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Blocked.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44- See? I'm the only one. - You is missing out, fam.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Anyone done blitz kick yet, the finisher move?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50You kick 'em in the head - whah - head explodes - boom -
0:06:50 > 0:06:52brains everywhere!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Course I have, I got bare tekkers.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Yeah, but you play it on PC, don't ya? That shit is old.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Where'd you find it? Your nan's vadge?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Least my sister ain't lesbian.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- She ain't lesbian. - She goes to university.- And?
0:07:02 > 0:07:06- Everybody knows university's for lesbos!- Do one, Gran Turismo!
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Oh, you two, stop flirting. When I was your age I had an N64.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14And that had far better games on it than Tokyo Sin.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Zelda...
0:07:16 > 0:07:19What you do in that? Dress up like a bender and play the flute?
0:07:19 > 0:07:20It was an ocarina.
0:07:20 > 0:07:25Oh, wow, an ocarina. Bet that helped you get the ladies.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Yeah, it did actually, Mitchell.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Maybe I should lend it to your sister.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Told!
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Look, the point is, you're all very young and impressionable
0:07:34 > 0:07:39and a game like this is dangerous because it is encouraging you to be violent.
0:07:40 > 0:07:45That said, I am going to need you to get hold of some weapons -
0:07:45 > 0:07:49bats, flick knives, chains.
0:07:49 > 0:07:54Think outside the box. Bring anything you find into lunch.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Ow.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Yes, Mr. Habsi, I understand.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Shalom.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08No, that's the other ones, isn't it?
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Mazel tov? Hello?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Alfie!
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Alfred the Great, son of Aethelwulf, and Osburga of Oslac, Thane of Wessex.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I see you've been on Wikipedia again.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Look, I thought everyone was over-reacting, but they're right.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25All of my class are playing that game.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27That's why I've been raping my brain.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29It's "racking my brain."
0:08:29 > 0:08:31- Is the Pope Hindu?- No.
0:08:31 > 0:08:36How do you stop a craze? Invent a craze to replace it.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- Do you? - Right. Take a seat, dragon.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Dragon?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Next into the den is Fraser,
0:08:45 > 0:08:48who wants investment for his ingenious crazes for kids.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51First up, tattoos.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Tattoos?
0:08:53 > 0:08:56They're a victimless crime and potentially educational!
0:08:56 > 0:09:00The kids could get a map of the world, the periodic table,
0:09:00 > 0:09:01or Picasso's Guernica.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Yeah. I suspect some of the parents might object.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- Say it, then.- Say what?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- You've seen Dragons' Den. - Fraser, we're not on Dragons' Den.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I'm not moving till you say it.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18If I say it, will this all be over quicker?
0:09:22 > 0:09:23I'm out.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27- Craze two! Kids like animals, right? - Yeah, I guess.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Franimals.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Animals made from fruit.
0:09:32 > 0:09:39Behold, Orange-a-tang and his jungle wife, Apple-o-tamus.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Ooh-ooh-ooh, ha-ha-ha!
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Are...
0:09:48 > 0:09:50FRASER SNORTS
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Right, I'm out. And I'm also leaving.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Zebranana?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01FRASER WHINNIES
0:10:01 > 0:10:02You need help.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Die, Nazi bitch!
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- Blitz kick!- Bullshit.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Oh, this is embarrassing.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18It's turned Mollinson into even more of dribbling idiot.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Eat my fist, you ho!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30ALARM BLARES
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Erm, where's Rosie? Who are you?
0:10:36 > 0:10:37I'm Ron. I'm assisting Rosie today.
0:10:37 > 0:10:42Well, Ron. I think you'll find Rosie asked me to assist her.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44So you can assist off.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Look, mate. I have to be here.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48A licensed weapons expert must be present.
0:10:48 > 0:10:53Well, mate, that is exactly why Rosie asked me to be present,
0:10:53 > 0:10:57because I actually own a gun.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Yeah, don't get much more expert than that, do you?
0:11:00 > 0:11:04- You own a gun? - Yes, I own a gun, Ron.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06It's a Glock.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09I bought it off some Albanians in the pub.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13They're always selling me black market shit - guns, drugs,
0:11:13 > 0:11:15a snuff film.
0:11:15 > 0:11:20Yeah, so, what heat you packing, Mr Weapons Expert?
0:11:20 > 0:11:24- Standard issue pepper spray. - Standard issue pepper spray!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26What are you, an old woman?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I'm a police officer.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Right.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Good.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37I'm sorry. I was lying.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40I don't own a gun.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43And the Albanians, they sold me, like, one DVD once.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45And I didn't even watch it all the way through,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47cos the quality was so poor.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Do you know what happens at the end of The Notebook?
0:11:53 > 0:11:57So, you've met the sergeant.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Yeah, Ron. My buddy. I love the police.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Shoot first, ask questions later, right?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Have you got any weapons?
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Not unless you've got a very small gun in your pocket?
0:12:12 > 0:12:16It's not a gun, it's my cock, Ron.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Chantelle, what are you doing? Fingernails aren't weapons.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Try telling that to Linda Beale.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46No-one wears Tulisa's scent on my turf.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- Milk?- I'm lactose intolerant.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52This one thought it was a funny idea to spike my soya latte.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- Mitchell made me do it. - That's chemical warfare!
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Yes, but it's not a weapon.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58A trace of dairy and I go from Will Smith to Seal,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01quicker than you can say, "Kiss from a rose."
0:13:01 > 0:13:02ALARM BLARES
0:13:02 > 0:13:04- What are you wearing? - Ninja mask, innit?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Make them out of old T-shirts.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Take it off. What have you got to hand in?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Oh, here we go.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17- This is your science homework. - Knowledge is power, sir.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19If I become a brilliant scientist,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22I could destroy the whole world, in the flick of a switch.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26The only thing you could contribute to science is your body.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Now, go away.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41- Macaroni cheese? Get that plate away from me.- Why, Glee?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I have an allergy. That plate could kill me.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46That was a mistake.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Mac attack!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51My face!
0:14:01 > 0:14:04# Love remained a drug
0:14:04 > 0:14:08# That's the high and not the pill
0:14:08 > 0:14:10# But did you know that when it snows
0:14:10 > 0:14:13# My eyes become large
0:14:13 > 0:14:16# And the light that you shine can be seen... #
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Consider yourself blitzed!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21# Baby
0:14:21 > 0:14:26# I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey
0:14:26 > 0:14:29# Now that your rose is in bloom
0:14:29 > 0:14:33- # A light hits the gloom on the grey... #- Erm, excuse me. Excuse me.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36How dare you use physical violence like this?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38It's cowardly. Cowardly.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50These ninja masks are totally against school rules.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52So, off with their heads.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54What are we going to do about the newspaper?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Oh, I was thinking we could appease them, give them a replacement story.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00"Injured Human Chess Boy in Miracle Recovery."
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I was thinking we ask them back and explain we're taking steps
0:15:03 > 0:15:04to teach conflict resolution.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- Yeah. That might be a better idea. - How do we yabba-dabba-do that?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I spoke to Ron. He's trained in self-defence.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Not that police doofus.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14We could do a demonstration for the kids.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18He's such an interesting guy. He was showing me some of his holds.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22He's so strong, yet so soft at the same time.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- Sounds like a toilet roll.- Preet!
0:15:25 > 0:15:27There's a guy at my gym who teaches self-defence.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29He'd be perfect. The kids would love him.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Fraser, were not having some random guy from your gym.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Alfie's right. Ron's more qualified.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39But I mean, if you say this Preet guy's a professional...
0:15:39 > 0:15:42I mean, he would probably be better than Sergeant Andrex.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45OK. Miss G, You get on to the paper, I'll give my guy a tinkle.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47How does that sound, yeah?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Samira, I am so sorry.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Oh, my God. Please don't tell your father.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03'Violence is everywhere. So how do you protect yourself?
0:16:03 > 0:16:07'This is Loretta, your typical all-American woman.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09'She's standing outside a jazz club
0:16:09 > 0:16:13- 'but she's about to have a run-in with some jazz lovers. - You all right, baby?'
0:16:13 > 0:16:16'If your attacker tries to blind you, raise your hand
0:16:16 > 0:16:21'up to the bridge of your nose to disable the gouge.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23'Well done, Loretta.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27'But next time, play it safe and stick to Country and Western.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29'And where's Loretta now?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32'She's watching some brothers shooting hoops in the Projects.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35'If an attacker comes from behind,
0:16:35 > 0:16:39'scrape down on their shin with the heel of your stiletto.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43'Not this time, Germaine. Try slam dunking the funk after that.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46'And remember, on November 8th...'
0:16:55 > 0:16:58So, I would ignore all of that.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04What you have to remember is, that video was made in a time
0:17:04 > 0:17:06when people were...
0:17:06 > 0:17:08racist.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- Then why did you show it to us?- Because, Jing,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13teachers live by an ancient code as old as time.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Which is?
0:17:15 > 0:17:19If you're out of your depth, put on a video.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23Look, what Stephen did in the canteen wasn't cool.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Well, it was. Grayson's a prick.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Agreed. But you can't lash out like that.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29What if someone's giving you beef?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Turning the other cheek will always be the best policy.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Like Neville Chamberlain did with Hitler?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Why do you only ever remember history to prove me wrong?
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Yes, Jing. And Tiananmen Square.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Look, what is the deadliest animal on the planet?
0:17:49 > 0:17:50A tiger.
0:17:50 > 0:17:55No, the human being. We're all biologically conditioned to fight.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59The deadliest weapon on the planet is the human brain.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01OK, so that Stewart Hawkins bloke.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04He's the brainiest guy in the world, right?
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Stephen Hawking. Yeah, but...
0:18:05 > 0:18:09If he's so deadly, who'd win a fight between him and a tiger?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Well, the tiger, obviously.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- So he's not the deadliest. - That's not the point.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15What about him versus a shark?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- The shark.- What, even on dry land?
0:18:17 > 0:18:21No, I guess on dry land the shark would probably dry out.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23I can't believe I'm even playing this game.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Look, there are plenty of animals that could kill Stephen Hawking.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- Like a badger? - Yes, a badger probably would.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30- How, though?- I don't know.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Bite him, give him TB.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Mr Wickers, I'm just returning Stephen.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- Did you apologise to Grayson? - I told him to swivel.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41See, proof that everything can be resolved with words.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44What about Israel and Palestine?
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Oh, stop learning.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Mr Wickers, can I bum a dime of your time?
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Jing, er...
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Take over.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- Stay down.- What the hell?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Cease and desist. Cease and desist.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05All right, I desist. Please, just let me go.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- Classic!- What the hell is going on?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Absolutely classic. Alfie, this is Preet from my gym.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Hi bro, pleasure. Preet Van Der Plessiss.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16What is this?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19This is your very own personal safety guru.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22I like this moffie, Frase. Spunky.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- You putt from the rough, yah?- What?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Do you take it in the karoo?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28You're a biltong-er?
0:19:28 > 0:19:29A kak-goofer?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32No, I'm messing, bro.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35No, no, I'm here to show your kids how to bring the fire to a brawl.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37He means prevent a fight.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Or maybe paralyse a woman.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I told you, Alf. Preet changed my life.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Yah, Teach here may look like a scrawny sack of shit and bones
0:19:48 > 0:19:52- but I've turned him into a cobra.- Ssssss.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Yeah, well, having thought about it, I think my kids'll be fine.
0:19:55 > 0:20:00Are they though, bro? If I cammoed up and broke into your class with a hunting knife,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03would you take me down before I butchered a kiddie or two?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09I'm messing, bro. No, no, no.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Fraser, is this man even allowed near children?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I mean, has he got a CRB check?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Alf, I've paid for Preet's time and he's serious bunce.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Would you at least consider it?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Is this one of these things where you ask me
0:20:23 > 0:20:27- for permission for something that's definitely happening anyway?- Yes.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Great, well I'll unload the van. You got crash mats?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- Crash mats?- Yah, I need to show them how to deal with anything.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37You're a filthy, dick-licking piece of bokke shit.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40But I like you.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45I really, really like you.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49He always does that.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58STUDENTS CHATTER
0:21:02 > 0:21:05OK, listen up, you rag-tag pack of cocksuckers.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10Right, OK. Can we reign in the homophobia a little in front of the children?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Yeah, keep your plug in, dick tickler!
0:21:13 > 0:21:16So, personal safety. Who wants to know how to throw a one-inch punch?
0:21:16 > 0:21:20- Yes, bruv.- Obviously, we won't be doing that
0:21:20 > 0:21:23as this class is about avoiding violent situations.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Now, all you need to win in a fight is...that.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- Head butts.- Thinking!
0:21:31 > 0:21:36Preet is going to help you identify the danger signs, aren't you, Preet?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- How to spot trouble. - Yah, racial profiling.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42It used to just be Blacks, now Asians are tricky too.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46That's inappropriate. Um, shall we...
0:21:46 > 0:21:48OK. Volunteers. Who wants to dance?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50ALL: Me! Me! Me! Me!
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- I will do it.- Aw, sir...
0:21:54 > 0:21:56OK, butt stuffer.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Here's your kit.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03I'm not getting changed.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Fine.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Wheels, you're up.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10OK, I'm going. I'm going.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38SCREAMING FROM GAME
0:22:41 > 0:22:43MORE SCREAMING
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- Yah, that's better, puss. - STUDENTS LAUGH
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Now you're ready to play with Daddy.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Right. Um... Now, it is very important to remember
0:23:00 > 0:23:04that we are not condoning violence.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08What we are going to show you now is absolutely the last resort.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10The choke hold.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13And for some real fun, jab the windpipe.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Right, Podge, you're in the shower room.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20This fudge-tunneller creeps in. Think quick, what you gonna do?
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Er, turn the other cheek?
0:23:21 > 0:23:25In the shower? No, bro, he wants that.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- You want to get him in his yam yams.- Not my yam yams...
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Please let go.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Get up, you prawn.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- No.- I will!
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Mitchell, remember what I said.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44The mind is the strongest weapon that there is.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Wrong. Teach here has clearly never felt a riot baton.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- Why did you do that? - TIA, bro. This is Africa.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55It's not, it's Hertfordshire.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Next step. Stukkie, can I borrow your high heels?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00No. Sir said to seek a peaceful solution.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02And anyway, these are New Look.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Fine, we'll skip the full frontal and move straight to the Taser.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07- THEY GASP - What?
0:24:07 > 0:24:08What?! Taser? No way!
0:24:08 > 0:24:12No, no. Hey, pass me the Taser, bro, come on.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14I'm gonna neutralise this cock-knocker.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17He'll not be getting his tongue on my sugar.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- Stephen, no! Please, someone, help!- But sir, you've been telling us not to!
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I was wrong. A hundred percent, definitely wrong.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- Cease and desist!- Joe!
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Shit.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53What?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56He was a prick!
0:25:00 > 0:25:03'Can we get a picture please, mate? This way. It's for The Observer.'
0:25:03 > 0:25:07So, looks like our weapons amnesty worked out after all.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Yeah. What happened though?
0:25:09 > 0:25:13Well, you know I'm a pacifist so when he started attacking me,
0:25:13 > 0:25:17I set an example to all of the kids by non-violently
0:25:17 > 0:25:19soaking up all of his negative energy.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23Oh, wow. That's so great. That takes real strength...
0:25:23 > 0:25:27- Then I tasered him. - Oh. Thank God Ron was here.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31'Sorry guys, can we get one of you two together, please?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33'Over here, come on, chaps!'
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- Oh! Picture. - 'Thank you very much. Lovely.'
0:25:36 > 0:25:39CAMERA WHIRRS
0:25:56 > 0:25:59SCREAMING ON GAME
0:26:07 > 0:26:09SHE HISSES
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Alfie? Look, I'm sorry.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35- No. I've thought about what you said...- So have I.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39And I've broken every rule in the book,
0:26:39 > 0:26:42but I didn't want you being left out.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47- Alfie...- Don't worry about it.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Well, no, it's not that.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51It's just that Tokyo Sin isn't cool any more.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Ain't you heard, Grandad? It's all about Murder Blade.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Murder Blade? That sounds even worse.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Basically, you've got these little cardboard squares, then you pile 'em up,
0:27:00 > 0:27:03then you throw more little cardboard squares at the little cardboard squares.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05But...
0:27:06 > 0:27:07That's just Pogs!
0:27:32 > 0:27:36Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd