0:00:04 > 0:00:07Yo, what's going down my... n-word?
0:00:07 > 0:00:11- Shush, Fraser! You've ruined it. - What the Harry Hill? Are you...?
0:00:11 > 0:00:15- Conducting a seance? Yes. It's interactive learning. - Hold yer Ouija boards,
0:00:15 > 0:00:18because today is the biggest day in the school sporting calendar!
0:00:18 > 0:00:21It's the big footie match against Middleton House.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Really? Here?
0:00:23 > 0:00:27Yes, but you can understand that they're a little sensitive after last year -
0:00:27 > 0:00:3116 of their state-of-the-art Mac Book Pros went missing.
0:00:31 > 0:00:3217, actually.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36I've just heard that the PE teacher's going to be unavailable for the game.
0:00:36 > 0:00:42Slightly garbled message from him saying that he'll either be back by two or in two to five years.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Something to do with DNA evidence.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47- And I fit into this how? - I need someone to manage the team.
0:00:47 > 0:00:52A chance to stand up to those posho bullies. Tell them you ain't going to be eating that biscuit no more.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Not this again. Why does everyone think I was bullied at Middleton?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57- Your girly run. - The way you throw.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59- Your Facebook wall. - I wasn't bullied, all right?
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Come on, Alf. It's in the bag.
0:01:00 > 0:01:05We're unbeatable this season. We're like the Invincible Arse-gunners.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08- You know nothing about football, do you?- No.
0:01:08 > 0:01:13- Do you know anything about sport? - I like the Red Arrows! Whoosh! So, whaddya say?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16I guess I could. Right, pack this up.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18But Sir, you promised we could talk to Hitler.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Well, it's not like he's going anywhere.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Yo! What's up team?
0:01:54 > 0:01:59This sesh is all about you getting to know your new gaffer.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Yeah. The boss man.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05The special one.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Il Classico.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Why are you calling us team?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Cos you're my guys, right, and I thought this match,
0:02:13 > 0:02:16perfect opportunity for you to get involved in the big game.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Hang on, what happened to the actual football team?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Nothing.
0:02:22 > 0:02:28So the last man has to be behind, and in front, erm,
0:02:28 > 0:02:33if it's two of them it goes to deadlock and then it's done on public vote.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Yep. That, that's the offside rule in a nutshell.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42I can't believe you were ostracised by the entire first team.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Ostracised. "Oh, my name's Joe and I use long words."
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Hang about, ain't there a second team?
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Yeah.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53So this will be our celebration, right?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55I call it the piri-piri jig.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Bwarch! Guys! bawrch!
0:02:59 > 0:03:04Look, sometimes it's good to have a little re-jig of the team.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I mean, look at...
0:03:06 > 0:03:07The Sugababes.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09You know jack shit about football.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Well, Mitchell, if you came to my bedroom there is a certain
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Goonersaurus duvet that would beg to differ.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Did you just invite me to your bedroom?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- I'll play.- Great. You play?
0:03:19 > 0:03:23- She's had one-on-ones with some of the game's big names. - And a couple of two-on-ones.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- Who?- A lady never breaks a super-injunction.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32OK. Jing, you in?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Bring the team some of that unflappable Far Eastern work ethic.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39It's not a national sport but there's that fella that plays for United.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48- Yeah, that's his name, so...? - Not in a million years.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Come on. One of you must want to play?
0:03:51 > 0:03:52I'm pretty good at football.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Yeah, he is. He's just like Ashley Cole.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56That's very sweet but don't be silly.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59But we all know the only reason you want us to play this stupid game
0:03:59 > 0:04:02is to get back at your old school for bullying ya.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Why does everyone assume that I would be a victim of bullies?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- Oi, dick wad!- Hello, Grayson.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- What's my position? - You... you want to play?
0:04:10 > 0:04:15I'll play for this team all right, Downton, but only cos I want to hospitalize some toffs.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19This doesn't mean we're mates, and I still think you're a piece.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Great, um, but, I thought you weren't allowed to play.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Yeah, well I'm back now, innit. Finished serving my ban.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Why were you banned?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Off the ball incident.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31What was it? Two footed tackle?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- Arson.- Right. Good.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39See, that is exactly the kind of passion that I'm looking for.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42I think I've found myself a skipper.
0:04:42 > 0:04:47So, who else wants to join the revolution with me
0:04:47 > 0:04:50and my buddy Frank?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53You call me that again and I'll firebomb your shed.
0:04:53 > 0:04:58Me and my colleague here, Mr Grayson.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00We're going to get dicked on.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05No-one?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Please, I'm desperate.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13What have I got to do to convince you to play?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15PHONE RINGS
0:05:17 > 0:05:20ALFIE VOICEMAIL GREETING: "Hi, you're through to Alfie Wickers.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23"Sorry I can't take your call right now
0:05:23 > 0:05:26"but I'm busy cracking one out to Loose Women.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30"No, not Vorderman or McLean.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33"I am...
0:05:33 > 0:05:35"stiffin' for McGiffin.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39"Please leave a message after the tone."
0:05:39 > 0:05:42All right then, deal.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46OK right, time to hit the pitch. I want to see what you've got in your lockers.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- A flare gun and some porn. - Not yours.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58KNOCK AT DOOR
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- Erm, you wanted to see me? - Ah yes, Ms Gulliver.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Rosie. Do come in.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12So, what's this about?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Ah, you know, just a natter really just to, you know,
0:06:15 > 0:06:18how long's it been since we had a good girly catch up?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Erm...
0:06:21 > 0:06:22for ever.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26Yeah, yeah it does, it feels that way, doesn't it?
0:06:27 > 0:06:34Yeah. So erm, how is your current sexual slash romantic partner?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Erm...
0:06:38 > 0:06:41What am I like, eh, with the gossip?
0:06:41 > 0:06:45No, now listen, I've been thinking about this for a while and I think
0:06:45 > 0:06:48it's time that I do something that may shake you to the core.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51But erm, how attractive do you think I am?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Look, I think you might have misread some signals.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00No, it's just that you see, I heard that Middleton House
0:07:00 > 0:07:04are looking for a new deputy head and I would really love that transfer.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Oh.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Erm, you look...
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Handsome.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Oh, really?!
0:07:18 > 0:07:21You're not just saying that. You know...? This...
0:07:21 > 0:07:24it's not too much?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27No, it's very...
0:07:27 > 0:07:28subtle.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Right.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35Gosh you know, we should, we should do this more often. Yep.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Menstruating much at the moment?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Please can I leave?
0:07:41 > 0:07:45- So how's the old footie thing going? - Oh, not great actually.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47I think you should just call them up and tell them...
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Way ahead of you, Alfen Hanson.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53The pundit from MOTo'D?
0:07:54 > 0:07:57We are not going to play them at football.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Phh, that's a relief because we are shit...
0:08:00 > 0:08:03We are going to beat them psychologically.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06We may not have the resources of St Poshington's,
0:08:06 > 0:08:11but let's see how they like it when they come to face to face with our ghetto hell.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Safe, blood. Matron's ma bitch now.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19GLASS SMASHES
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Welcome to thug life.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24# Yeah, yeah let's get down with the trumpets... #
0:08:24 > 0:08:26So this match must be quite a big deal for you.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Chance to pay back those bullies.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30I was quite popular at Middleton.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- Oh?- They used to call me Scratchie. It was kind of like my DJ name.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I used to spin the tunes at the raves.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Raves? At Middleton House?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Well, the Hunt Ball.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Out of my way Wickers, thank you.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Any idea why Pickwell's come dressed as a trannie today?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52She's job hunting. She's probably overdone it with her make-up,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54and her suit.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55And her dick.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Oh look, here they come.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02- What?!- Look at the state of it!
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Swanning in like they own the place.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Although technically I think their trust does actually own the land.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11What a Wickers!
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Glad to see that one's er, stood the test of time.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30Terribly sorry old chap, would you mind awfully throwing us that ball back?
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Go on, old chap.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37You don't think he was talking to you?
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Why would he have been? All right!
0:09:40 > 0:09:41OK, lazy.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47What a Wickers!
0:09:49 > 0:09:54Well, well, well, well, well. If it isn't Alfie Wickers.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- You spineless little tag-nut.- Sir.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02The vilest dingle-berry it was ever my misfortune to pluck.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- Remind me, what was it we used to call you?- "Scratchie" wasn't it? Because...
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Stress-induced Eczema.
0:10:07 > 0:10:13He used to sit in class scratching himself like a junkie.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16I can't wait to stick it to your bunch of benefit scrounging
0:10:16 > 0:10:18gutter monkeys.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Now, who's the limp-dick in command here anyway?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- I am.- Who is?- Scratchie is. - Scratchie is what?
0:10:24 > 0:10:30Scratchie is the limp dick in charge of the benefit scrounging gutter monkeys. Sir.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37What's that man's problem?
0:10:37 > 0:10:43Basically, something happened between me and him
0:10:43 > 0:10:48when I was in second year, but I'd rather not talk about it.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52- Why not?- Because it's embarrassing.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Because I'm a man.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Y'know I'd rather just keep it a secret.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Oh my God!
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Oh Alfie, I'm so sorry.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08That's so brave of you.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Well, it's really no biggie. Y'know, shit happens.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Was there no-one you could talk to about it?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Well, you know, I guess if I had really wanted to,
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I could have gone to confession but...
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- Confession? - Yeah, Middleton House was Catholic.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Yeah, course it was.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Oh, Alfie. Poor thing.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Poor little thing.
0:11:34 > 0:11:39Remember, whatever we wear, wherever we go,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41yes means yes and no means no.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Cup of rosie lea, my old lover. Darjeeling. Two sugars.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I'm Head of Maths.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Good. Then you won't cock up the sugars, will you?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Everything OK?
0:11:55 > 0:11:59It will be once Hopalong Haversham takes it up a gear with my tea.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02You must be Mr Humpage.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Pickwell's the name. Deputy Head here, but you can call me Isobel.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11Isobel? What was it before Isambard? Did you pick it yourself?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13No, my parents chose it.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17You're parents are supporting this? Are they liberals, are they?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22May I take you on a small guided tour of...
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Yes! What don't you show me round this spittoon of pig shit. There's a good lad.
0:12:26 > 0:12:33I would be honoured. So um, tell me exactly what position do you hold at Middleton House.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37High tutor of Sports and Grand Master of Dragon House.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Oh wow, that's very impressive.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Well, it's one below Supreme High Wizard.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Sounds a bit like the Ku Klux Klan.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Yes, we also wear the hoods. Nothing else but...
0:12:48 > 0:12:50# Dressed, dressed
0:12:50 > 0:12:54# Ya, listen, dress for the occasion
0:12:54 > 0:12:56# And surrounded by a table full of patron
0:12:56 > 0:12:58# Not enough to go round... #
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Looks like those public school kids be bare bricking it, d'you get me.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Really?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11# There's a name for people like me
0:13:11 > 0:13:13# There's a name for people like me
0:13:13 > 0:13:17# You can stereotype There's a name for people like me
0:13:17 > 0:13:21# There's a name for people like me You can stereotype
0:13:21 > 0:13:26# Yeah, people like me, there's a name for people like me... #
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Unbelievable.
0:13:30 > 0:13:35Here we have the jewel in our crown, our computer block. Ta dah!
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Ooh, impressive!
0:13:38 > 0:13:43Reminds me of the set up we used to have before the damn things went missing last year.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47No doubt pilfered by some oik to help fund scratch cards
0:13:47 > 0:13:48and popcorn chicken.
0:13:48 > 0:13:54Oh, never mind. We soon replaced them - raffled off one of our Rembrandts.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Well, it must be very rewarding working at somewhere like Middleton House.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02You know what I like about you "Isobel"?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05You're a straight shooter.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- You wear your dick on your sleeve. - No, it's just, it's just..
0:14:08 > 0:14:10No, we could use a chap like you at our place,
0:14:10 > 0:14:15especially since Watkins succumbed to the er, old teachers' curse.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- Oh, depression?- Gout.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21There's only so much fois gras a gentleman can take.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23I'd be happy to put you forward for the job.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25How's that tickle your knackers?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Oh, they are tickled.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37You must know something.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Talk to me, Kammy.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43'At which point Alan McInally let out a massive fart.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45'Me and Charlie Nicholas were in fits.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49'But Stelling, he never broke stride. What a professional!'
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Unbelievable, Jeff.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Look, guys, it doesn't matter who they are,
0:15:03 > 0:15:06or how much better they are than you.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08When you get out there,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10it's ten against ten,
0:15:10 > 0:15:11and anything can happen.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14You mean eleven.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Yeah, eleven.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21It's eleven.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36You can do it!
0:15:36 > 0:15:38"You can do it!"
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Owww.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48You...
0:15:48 > 0:15:49twat!
0:15:49 > 0:15:51You pig.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52We need to do a goal, guys.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12- # Say eat my goal - Eat my goal
0:16:12 > 0:16:15# Looking for a saviour to save ya From a lack of knowledge
0:16:15 > 0:16:17# This little fella won't get you through college
0:16:17 > 0:16:20# No, no ask me about summer so Let everybody in the house say...
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Cowardly.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Do a header!
0:16:24 > 0:16:27# To play sport and to forget to call their mums on the telephone
0:16:27 > 0:16:29# Use some bass, lower the tone
0:16:29 > 0:16:32# Lower the tone Don't ask me cos me not know!
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- # Say Ho- ho - # Say Ho wo- Ho wo
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- # Eat my goal... # - Do a goal!
0:16:42 > 0:16:44MAKES FLAT NOTE
0:16:57 > 0:17:00This is rubbish.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04GENERAL CHATTER
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- What?- What? - I don't know.
0:17:21 > 0:17:26It's just that it looked like you were going to say something...
0:17:26 > 0:17:30I don't know, something deep.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33To get us motivated for the second half.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34There's a second half.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Oh my days.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38I knew that.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Alfie, a word?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Look, this is ridiculous.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50We're playing like, the school equivalent of Man United,
0:17:50 > 0:17:52and one of my team is in a wheelchair.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54He's not even the worst.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56He's the only person in the first half to have won a header.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Look, Alfie.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01It's understandable.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Seeing the man again can trigger suppressed emotions.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Honestly, I'm fine. I'm so over it.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09It was so long ago. I was like fifteen.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Jesus. Look, Alfie,
0:18:12 > 0:18:17I know you're traumatised but remember what I said,
0:18:17 > 0:18:19it's not your fault.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Well, it kind of was.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25No, Alfie. It's not. You're the victim.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Say it, "it's not my fault".
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- It's not my fault - Doesn't that feel better?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Not really. Look I've been thinking, can't I just throw in the towel?
0:18:33 > 0:18:37No. This is more than the match now.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41If you win this, you're not winning for you but all the people
0:18:41 > 0:18:45who've had their voices taken away by beasts like Humpage.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Don't let him win.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Yeah.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Yeah, I guess you're right.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55This game does mean a lot.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- You can do it!- I can.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02- Come on!- I can do it, come on!
0:19:03 > 0:19:05OK, people.
0:19:05 > 0:19:10Do you want to know what Middleton House are saying about us right now?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Arseholes! >
0:19:13 > 0:19:19They're also saying that we are just going to bend over and take it.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21So they got my group text?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24You know, I heard some of them saying
0:19:24 > 0:19:28about one of you in particular,
0:19:28 > 0:19:30who will remain nameless,
0:19:30 > 0:19:32was so ugly,
0:19:32 > 0:19:36pathetic and physically deformed,
0:19:36 > 0:19:40that they should get a Pride of Britain award
0:19:40 > 0:19:42just for not killing themselves.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Now are we really going to take that?
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Or are we, for Joe's sake,
0:19:52 > 0:19:54going to say no?
0:19:54 > 0:19:59Let's show them. Quitting is out of the question.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01When it gets tough,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03we gotta fight some more.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06We've gotta fight.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07- Fight!- Fight!- Fight!
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- Fight for this love!- Yeah!
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Ready your breakfasts, and eat hearty,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16for tonight we dine in hell.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Let's get out there.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22THIS IS SPARTA!
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- Yeah!- Go on!
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Rem Dogg's injured.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Puncture.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Can I play second half, Sir?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40All right Stephen. You're up!
0:20:41 > 0:20:45This is the ball. OK?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Mitchell will pass you the ball
0:20:47 > 0:20:49and then you kick it straight to Grayson.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Understand?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Goal!
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Sprinkler.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Do the Sprinkler!
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Come on, you tripstoppers!
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Come on, Middleton.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Get in!
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- What's the matter with you? - You hoo!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04What's the matter with you...?
0:22:04 > 0:22:07The bloke in the wheelchair's faster than you lot!
0:22:10 > 0:22:13# Get yer tits out, get yer tits out...!
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Not now.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18More goals.. Yes! Inflation!
0:22:51 > 0:22:55OK, you want to play? You want to party?
0:22:55 > 0:23:00Right, let's heat this party up, huh.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Oh ho yeah, Humpage.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07I like to party, and I've been to far hotter parties than this.
0:23:07 > 0:23:12In fact, I like to party in a sauna.
0:23:12 > 0:23:17Yeah. And I've partied with far bigger men than you.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20I can go all night long.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25OK. Come on Middleton.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27WHISTLE BLOWS
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Come on, Abbey Grove.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Careful, Alfie.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Do him, Sir.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48You stupid little quitting quitting quitter.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52QU-IT-TER spells quitter!
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Quit, quit, quit...
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Wickers quitter. Quitter Wickers.
0:23:58 > 0:24:03Wicker, Wicker, Wicker, Wicker. Quitter, quitter, quitter, quitter, quitter. All you do it quit.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08You're only good for quitting. Quitter! You quitter!
0:24:16 > 0:24:18AMBULANCE SIREN
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Wickers, what have you done?
0:24:22 > 0:24:27If you have harmed a hair on his beautiful body.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Wickers. Wickers, I know I've been harsh, boy,
0:24:31 > 0:24:34but I only ever wanted the best for you.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36You've finally got what you deserved, you pig!
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Steady on.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40You should be ashamed of yourself for what you put him through!
0:24:40 > 0:24:43What I put him through? It was his fault.
0:24:43 > 0:24:48How dare you say that. Of course it's not his fault. He's the victim.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Why do you keep calling me the victim?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Because you are, Alfie. Don't you see? Oh God.
0:24:53 > 0:25:00Enough is enough. You've got to accept it. You are the victim of a rapist.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04- What?- Yes. That's right, you heard me. You are a rapist.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06You raped poor Alfie.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08What are you talking about?! No, I didn't.
0:25:08 > 0:25:13Erm, Mr Humpage definitely didn't rape me.
0:25:13 > 0:25:20- Where did you get that idea? - Alfie, you said something went on in the second year.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Yeah. I quit his sports team.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26And you were the most promising student I ever coached.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28You could have gone pro.
0:25:28 > 0:25:33When you threw it away it tore me up inside.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Hang on. You said you didn't want to talk about it
0:25:36 > 0:25:41cos for a man it's embarrassing but there's nothing embarrassing about quitting the football team.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Erm, wait, er, what sport are we talking about here?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- Weight lifting.- Irish dancing.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48THEY ALL SNIGGER
0:25:48 > 0:25:52You should have seen his soft shoe hornpipe.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54We had such plans.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57First, we'd take Broadway, then the world.
0:25:57 > 0:26:03I mean, who else had ever thought of a show consisting entirely of Irish dancing?
0:26:03 > 0:26:08The day you turned your back on dance was the day you shattered my dreams!
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Ooh...
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Oh gosh.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I'm sorry.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Right, get the ambulance.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22My future job prospects could be dying here.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Do it for me, Alfie. One more time.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Before I go.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31I couldn't, I can't.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34I haven't warmed up.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36I might pull something.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Go on, Alfie.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39I can't wait to see this.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Sir, do it. Sir, do it.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Just one last time.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25So, that's it really.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Don't know why I gave it up.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Gay!
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Oh yeah. That's why.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Not bad, but it lacked a little panache. Let's go again.
0:27:35 > 0:27:40- And that's the other. - Match abandoned. It's a draw.