0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# My heart is broken, like an egg on the floor
0:00:06 > 0:00:10# If I wasn't such a grown-up then I'd call you a whore
0:00:10 > 0:00:14# You are my personal salmonella
0:00:14 > 0:00:19# Going off on holiday and having sex with Trevor
0:00:19 > 0:00:22"# She's the egg-smashing woman" ALL LAUGH
0:00:22 > 0:00:26"# Egg-smashing..." I was 16. I was in a bad place.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30- Why don't you take it down?- I forgot my password and security question.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32I mean, Jesus, what is my favourite place?
0:00:32 > 0:00:36- Judging by that, another dude's arse.- Shut up, Mitchell!
0:00:36 > 0:00:38- Sir, can we watch my video now? - What's it called?
0:00:38 > 0:00:41- One girl, ten cups. - Oh, god, Chantelle.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- What? It's just me doing the washing-up.- Oh.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Greetings and salutations. David Millbank. I was just wondering
0:00:48 > 0:00:52if I can count on your vote for this forthcoming school election.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Um, go away. We're working.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Now, who did you vote for last year?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Little Mix.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Ah, the X Factor, yes.
0:01:01 > 0:01:06Look, I love music. I'm a big fan of The Coldplay,
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Jay Zed and Olly Murs feat... Rizzle Sticks.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14Here, Sir, do you want to see an old guy singing with his nutsack?
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Mitchell, why would I want to see an old man singing with his...?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19MUSIC: "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Oh, my god! Is that...?
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Oh, I've got to send this to Fraser. He loves Peter Gabriel.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26COMPUTER BOINGS
0:01:28 > 0:01:30"# I'll be anything you need"
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Goodness, Peter Gabriel's aged.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36"# You could have a big dipper"
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Oh, Jesus.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41"# Going up and down all around the bends"
0:01:41 > 0:01:44OK, there's nothing to see here, guys. Can you just get on?
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Put the phone away. Question ten's good. Get on with it. It's chicken.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53# This amusement never ends
0:01:54 > 0:01:55# I wanna be
0:01:57 > 0:01:59# Your sledgehammer
0:02:01 > 0:02:04# Why don't you call my name?
0:02:05 > 0:02:09# Oh! Let me be your sledgehammer
0:02:11 > 0:02:15# This will be my testimony
0:02:15 > 0:02:17# Sledge
0:02:17 > 0:02:18# Sledge
0:02:20 > 0:02:24This is the dawn of a new age.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Now, by now you're all be aware that a video of our headmaster
0:02:27 > 0:02:30showing children images of a geriatric man
0:02:30 > 0:02:33manipulating his scrotum to song has gone viral.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35He's been asked to remain off the school grounds
0:02:35 > 0:02:39pending a review by the Educational Authority Disciplinary Board.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43- In the interim, I shall rule. - Bullshit.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Surely the most senior member of staff should be headmistress?
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Mollinson has been here since, like, the swinging '60s.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53The swinging '70s and '80s.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57The '90s were a bit dry, thanks to my hip replacement.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Now, given the disastrous example set by our ex-headmaster,
0:03:01 > 0:03:05- we have to get our house in order. - What do you mean, "house in order"?
0:03:05 > 0:03:09To start, I'm not having you turn this place into a hippy commune.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13- That ludicrous garden of yours. - The one I built as a memorial to my late brother, Freddie?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16I need a new parking space. Could it fit a Hummer?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20And take this school election, always an absolute shambles.
0:03:20 > 0:03:25- Oh, is it?- I don't believe in elections.- Course you don't.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28But we are going to show the board that we can get something right.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Which means, Wickers, you can sit this one out.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33BLOWS A RASPBERRY Bothered?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35This election will run like clockwork.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39That way, I will show the board that I am the right man for the job on a permanent basis.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43No-one wants you in charge. You're like the stepmum in Parent Trap.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47With me in power, this school will improve, expand.
0:03:47 > 0:03:52The pupils will be better, stronger...
0:03:52 > 0:03:54purer.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58- Almost like a super race? - Yes.- Amazing.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I have to deal with that troublesome Fletchley boy.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05His parents are demanding compensation for some javelin accident.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- So I'm expelling him. - On what grounds?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- For having marijuana in his locker. - How do you know that?
0:04:11 > 0:04:12I put it there.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15I need a smoke.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- Yeah, me too. - You don't smoke.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Yeah, sure I do... you know, like, when I'm stressed.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25# Oh! After the rain
0:04:25 > 0:04:30# We forget, we make sure we gain, then we leave it
0:04:30 > 0:04:33# Cos we're a nation of forgetters. #
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Fraser is screwed.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37COUGHS
0:04:37 > 0:04:41That's some good shit. Do you want to do blowback?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44It's a cigarette, Alfie, it's not pot.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Yeah, sorry.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Can you imagine Pickwell as headmistress?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I'm not letting her near Freddie's tree.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55You heard the way she was talking.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57She'll have Jewish kids in separate classes.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00In five years, we'll be telling the disciplinary board
0:05:00 > 0:05:01we were only following orders.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05She could sack us! Then what would you do as a living?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Go back to B&Q. I kept the uniform.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11And staff get 13% off decking. So, win-win.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15You'll have to make an effort with her. Are you entering this election?
0:05:15 > 0:05:16She told me not to.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Anyway, this whole school election thing is bullshit.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Only because of the last time your kids got involved in politics.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Not this again. Rem Dogg got stage fright.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30Well, hello, young chap. What's your ambition in life, eh?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Anal.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35What? Um...
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Everyone knows school politics is just for losers like Millbank.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- You know he came to my class this morning asking for our votes?- And?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- I told him to piss off. - You do know he's my candidate?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49COUGHS Great guy.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I bet you think it's cool to say you're not "into" politics.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55- Now you're sounding really old. - Have you ever voted?
0:05:55 > 0:06:00No. No. I don't need to, because my dad does my postal vote for me.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01Oh, god.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Winning the election would be a piece of piss. I can't be bothered.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09- Because you're afraid of losing. - Losing? My class would rape Millbank.
0:06:09 > 0:06:14- Your class? Special K? Please. - Don't bring the children into this.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19Pathetic. Right, I'm going back to help my "loser" win this election.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Well, I am going to the canteen
0:06:22 > 0:06:25because I have got the munchies.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Right, class. We've got an election to win!
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Who wants to stand?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Look, I've seen the other candidates
0:06:39 > 0:06:42and we can't win if we're running against them on their terms.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45So, our inspiration for this election
0:06:45 > 0:06:48is going to be a certain Pol Pot.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Ain't that the guy that killed anyone wearing glasses?
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Paul Potts. Sorry, I always get them mixed up. The one that won Britain's Got Talent.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00Yeah, we're gonna win it on a sympathy vote.
0:07:00 > 0:07:05And we have the perfect candidate. Everybody loves a chubby virgin.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07- Oh, no, why is it always me? - Joe,
0:07:07 > 0:07:12this is your perfect opportunity to make this class proud of you.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Yeah, but I can't do public speaking.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- It's easy. It's just like teaching a class.- What if I freeze up?
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Well, they say that you should imagine that everyone's naked.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23When you teach us you imagine us naked?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- No.- I'll never win anyway. - Course you can win.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29All you need is a crack campaign team.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31And you have got the best in the business.
0:07:31 > 0:07:36Jing. She is a mastermind. She'll be on strategy.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Stephen does plays, he can write your speeches. Mitchell...
0:07:41 > 0:07:43..has...
0:07:43 > 0:07:47got a laptop. He'll run the website.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Er, hack the website. I've given out more viruses than her!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- Shut up! - I'll do it on one condition.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57- Anything.- For one day, you don't make stupid comments about China.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Promise.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05Just to clarify, um, you do know what voting is?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08It's just, you know, democracy isn't really a big...
0:08:08 > 0:08:13Never mind. So, what do you reckon? You in?
0:08:15 > 0:08:16OK.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Yes. Right, team, to the corridor.
0:08:19 > 0:08:24- Talk to me, people. - We have a problem. Everyone entering needs a party and they're all taken.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- Except one.- It's not the BNP? - Worse. Lib Dem.- Bollocks.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Stephen, get a yellow tie, draw up a list of promises to break.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- Right. - What shall we do about Grayson?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35He's the Tory, so he's all about cuts.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38We need to prove his financial plan is unrealistic.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Mitchell, hack the school accounts. Jing, you'll analyse the data.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43It'll take time. The mainframe's got me flagged
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- ever since I put the school on Gumtree.- What about Millbank?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- Doesn't he have a brother? - Edmund Millbank, 14. He has the lowest SAT score.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53He's asthmatic, dyslexic, wheat, lactose and sunlight intolerant.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56He's like Rain Man, but can't count and isn't allowed near matches.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58We need him to run against his brother.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03- A sibling rivalry will cause havoc with David's campaign. - Genius! How do we get him to run?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- He can't. He's got gammy legs. - I meant in the election.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Chantelle, you are going to take his breath away.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12- Steal his inhaler? - Flirt with him. Convince him to challenge his brother.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- You owe me big time for this. - Oh, I'll make it up to you.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Not like that.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Come on, come on.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39So, I want to propose the deal.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Fraser, why do we have to do this in an Italian restaurant?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45You get me back into power and, in two terms' time,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I stand aside and let you take the top job.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51No. Why would I even want that?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53- I'm just trying to get you on board. - I'm on your side.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Good. I've got that hearing later.
0:09:55 > 0:10:00I need you and other teachers to convince the committee I'm still up to the job.
0:10:00 > 0:10:05Yeah, about that. Pickwell has sort of started a smear campaign.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07At her age, I wouldn't have thought it mattered.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- No...- Throw her my bone. Tell her
0:10:10 > 0:10:14if she helps me get back my job, I'll let her put Creationism on the syllabus.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16She's been banging on about that for years.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- Look, I'll do everything I can. - Great. Well, in advance,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22a little crib sheet.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25The Da Fraser Code.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32- Can't grow a full beard? - Skip the weakness section.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Strengths. There's your meat and two veg.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37This stuff is not going to impress the committee.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Grade three on the oboe?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- It's really hard. - Not colour blind.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- Yellow.- Appeared on Super... You appeared on Supermarket Sweep?
0:10:44 > 0:10:49- I did. - The point is, that this shit
0:10:49 > 0:10:52won't help get your job back. That you can impersonate Michael Caine?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55BAD IMPRESSION: Blow on me bloody doors.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Yeah, I'd maybe pop that one under weaknesses?
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Sorry, you did not invent the "wassup" craze.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05No-one can prove that.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Wassssss-uuuuuppppp!
0:11:09 > 0:11:11One spaghetti Bolognese and one...
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Unfolded calzone stromboli. Ici, por favor.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20You do know that calzones come folded.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Yeah, but it's half the fun.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34You are such a bell end.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41BLOWS
0:11:41 > 0:11:43It should look like a lung.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Garcon, couple of straws.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Well, um...
0:11:54 > 0:11:58I've checked the numbers four times,
0:11:58 > 0:12:03and our class candidate for the school election
0:12:03 > 0:12:07is definitely...
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Edmund Millbank.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10LAUGHTER
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Mummy will go spare.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- What are the early forecasts? - The polls have Grayson in the lead.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27- The voters love his tough economic stance. - And he scares them shitless.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- Where are the school accounts? - Mitchell's working on it.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35See? Told you the FBI website was piss easy to hack, man.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- I've set up a Twitter account. Got a retweet from Myleene Klass. - Great. About which policy?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- I said I loved her hair. - Well, that's a start.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47- What are we going to do about David Millbank?- You didn't hear?- No, what?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Before we begin this hustings,
0:13:04 > 0:13:08I would like to extend a very warm welcome to those members
0:13:08 > 0:13:11of the Local Education Authority who have joined us here today.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Er, the rules.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18No swearing, no music, no spitting,
0:13:18 > 0:13:22no nudity and none of that global-warming nonsense.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Everyone knows it's a hoopla invented by tree-fingering socialists.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Good. So, to our first speaker, Frank Grayson,
0:13:37 > 0:13:38standing as a Conservative.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40APPLAUSE
0:13:47 > 0:13:52Welcome to the Big Society. My motto?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Your problems ain't got shit to do with me.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58The welfare state is brass!
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Policies.
0:14:00 > 0:14:06I'm sacking the school nurse. She's pointless and she ain't even fit.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08And, secondly,
0:14:08 > 0:14:13these knob heads, why waste my hard-earned monies on them,
0:14:13 > 0:14:17when instead we could spend it on this?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21A massive sports day this summer.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24I'm going to build the school essential facilities
0:14:24 > 0:14:27like a velodrome and an equestrian centre, you get me?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29So, vote for me
0:14:29 > 0:14:31or watch your back.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35Because in the Big Society,
0:14:35 > 0:14:40no-one can hear you scream.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42SCANT APPLAUSE
0:14:43 > 0:14:48Right, who's next? Oh, this'll be good. It's Form K.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Cheers, sugar tits, I'll do the intros.
0:14:55 > 0:15:00So, after being told that I couldn't enter this election,
0:15:00 > 0:15:04let alone win it, here I am with my very own candidate.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06From the under-25's category,
0:15:06 > 0:15:10would you please welcome Joe Poulter!
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Here's your speech.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13Wooh!
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Change of plan. I've, er, written my own.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Bit punchier.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28- How are those accounts coming on? - Mitchell's still working on it.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32And with one click, Mr Wickers is on the world's most wanted list.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Is that the PE teacher?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58When you're written off as a coward,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00it takes a lot of guts to get back up
0:16:00 > 0:16:03and show that woman who you really are.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Most politicians are like women,
0:16:08 > 0:16:13older women, in that they don't care about you.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17They patronise you. They don't listen to you in the staff room
0:16:17 > 0:16:21when you're telling them about paintballing at Chris Lammond's stag do.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- Really good story.- What? - Like older women,
0:16:24 > 0:16:28politicians make you think you've got a chance with them
0:16:28 > 0:16:31only to shit on you from up on their high horse.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37WHISPERS: The other side.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42And for the record, I DO smoke.
0:16:42 > 0:16:48I get high all the time. There's a photo of me on Facebook smoking
0:16:48 > 0:16:52a joint at Glastonbury, at least I think
0:16:52 > 0:16:57Henry said it was weed but I couldn't hear because Moby was tearing up the dance tent.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Right, right, right. Well, that was as weird as expected.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- You nailed it!- I didn't nail it. I embarrassed myself in front of the school.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10I never wanted to do this stupid election thing.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13OK, next up from Form M is Edmund Millbank.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Right, sit down!
0:17:17 > 0:17:21OK, this clearly isn't about the election any more because,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24thanks to you-know-who, it's been hijacked.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29For once, could you behave like a real teacher?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Right, um, for the record, I am a real teacher,
0:17:32 > 0:17:38- obviously.- A real teacher wouldn't force pupils to do things they don't want to do.- Homework?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41A real teacher wouldn't put words into their pupils' mouths.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- French teacher. Any language. - You're embarrassing yourself.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46- Oh, get a room. - Oh, piss off!
0:17:48 > 0:17:52OK. I think we've had enough of the Gulliver Show for one day.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Well, unless you'd like to humiliate yourself any...
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Back off, you menopausal witch.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06If you dare touch my garden or Freddie's tree,
0:18:06 > 0:18:10I will personally ram that Hummer up your arse.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12LAUGHTER
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Silence!
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Pull yourselves together.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25I'd like the rest of this hustings to be conducted with due decorum.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28So, back to the serious business of this election
0:18:28 > 0:18:30and our next candidate from Form B,
0:18:30 > 0:18:36Ben Poppit who represents The Forces of Good.
0:18:47 > 0:18:53I'm sorry for getting carried away with the whole election stuff.
0:18:55 > 0:19:00Ah! Your little spectacle back there's played right into my hands.
0:19:00 > 0:19:05It's going to be even easier to lance two irritating abscesses.
0:19:05 > 0:19:10- You can't lance us. - Oh, I can when I'm headmistress.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13The committee won't complain after seeing that performance.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15You'll both be out.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18That would be the case if it wasn't for the fact
0:19:18 > 0:19:20that Fraser's gonna get his job back.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Oh, stop pussy-parping, Wickers. Fraser doesn't stand a chance.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28This is a 500-page character assassination on Fraser.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I've compiled one on all of you.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Mr Wickers, please.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43- And you are?- Er, Alfie Wickers.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I teach Form K. Slow bunch,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48but, you know, kind of guys that you want to go for a pint with.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Not now, obviously, because they're under-age.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56But... I mean, most of them are lightweights.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00It's... I've never been for a drink with them.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06So, how would you describe Shaquille Fraser?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09You're... Shaq-Shaquille?
0:20:11 > 0:20:14That's your first name?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16You said it was Simon.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Judging by that, you don't know Mr Fraser at all well.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24No, look, Shaquille
0:20:24 > 0:20:28may come across as a bit of a guiche.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29No offence, Fraser.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Standard banter.
0:20:32 > 0:20:37Look, I've done some shit here
0:20:37 > 0:20:40that at any other school would definitely get me fired.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Maybe even arrested.
0:20:43 > 0:20:48But Fraser has never shouted at me, never got me in trouble.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52And, you know, he loves this school,
0:20:52 > 0:20:56he'd do anything for it, it's his life. And,
0:20:56 > 0:20:58I know it might sound a bit lame,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03but he's genuinely one of my best friends.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Well, I'm glad you get on so well.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Unfortunately, this has no bearing on his professional competency.
0:21:14 > 0:21:20Can you tell me one thing Shaquille has achieved as headmaster?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Do you guys remember,
0:21:27 > 0:21:32'Wasssss-uuuuuppppppp'?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38AS MICHAEL CAINE: Blow on me bloody doors!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40You're up.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Oh, god.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Well, the hour is nearly upon us.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51What will I do first? Ooh, maybe I'll build a wicker man
0:21:51 > 0:21:53in the playground. I wonder who'll go in it.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Sir! Sir!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58All right, I'm coming.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- What?- Look.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- What?- It's the accounts.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Jing, that's sweet of you, but it's too late. Grayson's already won.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10No, look. This column shows the school's expenses.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12This column shows Pickwell's withdrawals.
0:22:12 > 0:22:17They don't add up. £140 in the school's expenses and £200 in Pickwell's.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20She's made that withdrawal every week for years.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Right, um, could you explain that again,
0:22:23 > 0:22:25er, as though you were explaining it to a child?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Pickwell's been fiddling her expenses.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Oh, god, Jing,
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I could kiss you.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Please don't. It might upset Chantelle.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Well done.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48- Why are you walking like you've soiled yourself?- This is my swagger.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52- What have you got to swagger about? - Read it and weep.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Doubt it. I haven't wept since 1990.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58- 1990?- When she was hounded out of office by her own party.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Well, talking of being hounded out of office,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04it would appear as though one member of staff
0:23:04 > 0:23:07has been siphoning off public money.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08You.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15- This column?- Mmm.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Now where's your evidence?
0:23:27 > 0:23:31You think we didn't make copies? We made copies, right, Jing?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33- SPEAKS CHINESE - Yeah, that is Chinese
0:23:33 > 0:23:38for "many, many, many, many multiple copies".
0:23:38 > 0:23:40I'll have you arrested. You stole this information.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44You could tell the authorities, they're in here. They won't mind.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- No, don't! Please.- Well,
0:23:46 > 0:23:50I suggest that if you want to keep any kind of job,
0:23:50 > 0:23:54you go in there and tell your little pals at the council
0:23:54 > 0:23:57that Fraser is the most amazing headmaster
0:23:57 > 0:24:00you have ever had the privilege of working for.
0:24:05 > 0:24:10Oh, and one more thing I'll need you to arrange re the election.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- Joe Poulter.- Out of the question.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Grayson's already won by a landslide.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Joe doesn't even want to be school president, Alfie.
0:24:19 > 0:24:24But I think it would mean a great deal to Edmund.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Actually, I've got a better idea.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35And the winner of the Abbey Grove election is...
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Ben Poppit.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38APPLAUSE
0:24:41 > 0:24:46With great power, comes great responsibility. Thank you.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52# You know I said it's true
0:24:52 > 0:24:55# I can feel the love Can you feel it, too?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57# I can feel it Ah ah
0:24:57 > 0:25:00# I can feel it Ah ah
0:25:01 > 0:25:03# You know I said it's true
0:25:03 > 0:25:05# I can feel the love Can you feel it, too?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07# I can feel it Ah ah
0:25:07 > 0:25:12# I can feel it Ah ah
0:25:12 > 0:25:14# You know I said it's true
0:25:14 > 0:25:16# I can feel the love Can you feel it, too?
0:25:16 > 0:25:19# I can feel it, oh Oh, I can feel it
0:25:19 > 0:25:22# Oh, I can feel it Ah ah
0:25:22 > 0:25:25# I can feel it I can feel it
0:25:25 > 0:25:28# I can feel it Can you feel it, oh, too? #
0:25:28 > 0:25:31I'm the headmaster!
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I've got to go outside. I'm going to be sick.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37- I'm feeling quite drunk. - Me, too.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41That's because I decided on a little celebration for getting my job back.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42I've spiked the punch.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46- Are you out of your mind? - Not yet! But I do need to sit down.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Where's that wheelchair boy?
0:25:50 > 0:25:55Remember, posture, eye contact, throw in some cute giggles,
0:25:55 > 0:25:59maybe rest your hand on his arm and then tell him you'll tug him off behind the bins.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Car keys anyone?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10No, thank you.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13I couldn't anyway, they're my dad's.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16The more the merrier.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18# Come and dance with me Come and dance with me
0:26:18 > 0:26:20# Come dance with me I see you glance at me
0:26:20 > 0:26:22# That's why I'm asking, B So let's party, B
0:26:22 > 0:26:24# Come and dance with me
0:26:24 > 0:26:27# Get away from the bar Tell your boyfriend hold your jar. #
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Joe, can you get me some more punch?
0:26:31 > 0:26:37# I don't know where you come from But you're everywhere I go. #
0:26:37 > 0:26:40You know when it's a new term and you get a new class
0:26:40 > 0:26:44and there's a kid that's got potential
0:26:44 > 0:26:47but really frustrates you because
0:26:47 > 0:26:52one day they're a grade A and the next day they're just like a kid
0:26:52 > 0:26:54who doesn't seem to care.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58But then, um... by the end of the term,
0:26:58 > 0:27:01you realise that, um...
0:27:01 > 0:27:05that maybe they're perfect after all?
0:27:07 > 0:27:12I have that exact same situation with Mitchell.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14No, no, Alfie...
0:27:14 > 0:27:17It was a metaph...
0:27:17 > 0:27:19# Shut me up How can I breathe when I'm afloat
0:27:19 > 0:27:22# Our love's concrete We should leave it set in stone
0:27:22 > 0:27:27# Yeah, and whenever I'm in doubt Yeah, you forever calm me down
0:27:27 > 0:27:30# Yeah, and sometimes I'm a dummy And I know I would have crashed... #
0:27:30 > 0:27:32- Oh.- Put it on, put it on.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Um, I need...
0:27:34 > 0:27:37I need some air.
0:27:41 > 0:27:46# You are my personal salmonella
0:27:46 > 0:27:50# Going off on holiday And having sex with Trevor
0:27:50 > 0:27:54# She's the egg-smashing woman
0:27:54 > 0:27:57# Egg-smashing woman
0:27:57 > 0:27:59# She's the egg-smashing woman
0:27:59 > 0:28:01# And I am the egg
0:28:01 > 0:28:05# I've been smashed
0:28:05 > 0:28:08# Smashed by the woman
0:28:08 > 0:28:11# You had sex with Trevor
0:28:11 > 0:28:15# You fucking bitch. #
0:28:16 > 0:28:21So, that song was dedicated to a woman called Rachel Perkins.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24I am SO over you.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28And yeah, Rachel, you can go around school telling everyone that I haven't had sex
0:28:28 > 0:28:33but, two weeks ago, I got half a hand job from Kelly Bright
0:28:33 > 0:28:35on the coach on the way home from Cheddar Gorge.