0:00:02 > 0:00:04Babes, I've missed you so much! Ah!
0:00:04 > 0:00:08Oi, come here! Give it to me, take it off!
0:00:08 > 0:00:10This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:17 > 0:00:21- OMG!- Leave me alone. - You look like Joan of Arc.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Just out of interest, Friar Tuck. How are the merry men?
0:00:24 > 0:00:28- My dad did it.- What look was he going for? A young Ann Widdecombe?
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Enough about mushroom head. Guess what I come back from Malaga with?
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Your virginity? HE TUTS
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Is it, like, well spiritual and shit?
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Nah, it's my Chinese order - spring rolls, prawn toast, duck.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Did your parents go ape?
0:00:41 > 0:00:44I can do what I want, cos they're getting divorced. It's the nuts!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Which one of them gets to keep the caravan?
0:00:46 > 0:00:49How many times do I have to tell you, Billy Elliot?
0:00:49 > 0:00:52- It's a static home.- It's got wheels on it. It's a caravan.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54- That means you're one. - Do they do Big Fat Gypsy Divorce?
0:00:54 > 0:00:58- Where's Alfie?- Probably chipping his dick out a sock with a toffee hammer.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Right, if anyone laughs, they're getting expelled.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07My dad did it.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47What's up, homeboy?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Oi, Little Lord Fondleboy!
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Mumford and Sons called. They want their gay one back.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Very clever, Grayson, but A, the reason you don't like
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Mumford and Sons is cos you're too young to appreciate
0:02:00 > 0:02:02a good dinner party anthem when you hear one
0:02:02 > 0:02:07and B, I've got a girlfriend - Miss Gulliver.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Did you not get that problem with your arsehole fixed?
0:02:12 > 0:02:13I can hear it talking again.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Check her Facebook status, mate.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Changed yesterday, to "in a relationship".
0:02:46 > 0:02:49P-Widdy, you're looking fit and healthy.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Let me guess - no carbs before Marbs?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I went on a moose shoot in British Columbia.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- What and no-one shot you? - Thankfully, no,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58which leaves me able to fetch my gun
0:02:58 > 0:03:01and murder whatever monstrosity's nesting on your head.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Good to see FC Banterlona stayed fit during the off-season.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07And how did you spend your holidays, Mr Fraser?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Trying to master the art of lacing your own shoes?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Oh, no, still wearing these bad boys.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Every morning I wake up and thank God I still have size-five feet.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Now, first staff meeting of the new term
0:03:18 > 0:03:20and it's Abbey Grove's swimming gala this week.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Which means it is the sweepstake.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27£10 in? Winning form teacher takes the pot.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Why do we have to be so competitive?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35We should be celebrating each and every child taking part.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Show me the money, woman.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39No, I won't, because I believe very strongly...
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Hey, babe. Don't worry, I got this. Listen, Izzy,
0:03:43 > 0:03:46if she says it ain't happenin', it ain't happenin'.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47(I've got your back, babe.)
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Now, light bulb - ding!
0:03:51 > 0:03:54We all know how the UK recently hosted the greatest show on Earth.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59- The Olympics.- Close.- The Paralympics?- The what?! No, Splash!
0:03:59 > 0:04:03I thought we could end the gala with a synchronised diving competition.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07Synchronised diving? My class would rather take a running jump.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Shame you won't get your grubby little paws on this money.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Legal bills can be oh-so-ruinous.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Legal bills?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Well, I presume you're not letting your hairdresser get away with that?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- Cheryl Bowl. - Back off the bob, bitch.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23And anyway, I bet you my class win something.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Yap, yap, yap, yap yappity, yap, yap. You're on.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Um, sorry, just to clarify, I didn't mean betting actual money.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Well, if you win a single event, I'll match the pot.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35That's, like, £200.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Well, you could spend it on Pokemons.
0:04:38 > 0:04:43Why would I spend it on Pokemon, when I've already caught them all?
0:04:44 > 0:04:48More graceful back and forth - Ballroom Banter with Banton de Beke!
0:04:48 > 0:04:49Ten!
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Guys, you need to bring your pyjamas in on Friday.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Are we having a sleep-over? Can I be the little spoon?
0:05:01 > 0:05:05- Er, no, we are learning swimming safety.- Why? We live in Watford.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07We ain't going to drown in a flood.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Yeah, well, YOU'RE not. That is the one advantage of living in a caravan.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12If there is a flood, you can just move to higher ground.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Well, at least I don't look like an Amish rent boy.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Whatever. Look, we're learning swimming safety
0:05:19 > 0:05:21so we can all enter the swimming gala!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23- But we never do the gala! - Well, we do now!
0:05:23 > 0:05:27And we are going to wipe that smug look off Pickwell's face
0:05:27 > 0:05:29and, in doing so, win me a cash bet.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33And you know what that means - group trip to Nando's on me.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36All we have to do is beat Pickwell at one thing.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38And I reckon we've got a chance this year,
0:05:38 > 0:05:41because there is a new event, synchronised diving.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45It's someone's opportunity to become the next Tom Daley.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49Fierce! Count me in. I'll be like Usher with gills. Hashtag Werk.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I knew I could count on you, Stephen.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Now, you're going to need to pick a partner.
0:05:53 > 0:05:58Unless, of course, anyone wants to volunteer themselves?
0:06:00 > 0:06:06Jing, maybe? You peeps are notoriously good at the old diving.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07You mean Chinese people?
0:06:07 > 0:06:11No. I meant people who wear glasses
0:06:11 > 0:06:14and are, um, Sagittarius.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Firstly, I'm Virgo. And secondly,
0:06:17 > 0:06:20you may think you've disguised your prejudices, but you don't fool me.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Classic Sagittarius.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- I'll do it for a beer at Nando's. - Done!
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Now, on a separate issue,
0:06:27 > 0:06:31I need to do something rather special for the old ball and chain.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34My girlfriend, Miss Gulliver.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38We had a little bit of a lovers' tiff in the staff room
0:06:38 > 0:06:40and I want to make things right.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44I've got a brilliant idea. I need your help.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Alfie, are you OK? Joe told me that you'd been to hospital.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Yeah, doctor said someone had stolen my heart.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59You wouldn't happen to know anything about that now, would you?
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Alfie, we're not in a relationship.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Then why did you put in on Facebook?
0:07:06 > 0:07:11I put that I'm in a relationship. Which I am. Just not with you.
0:07:11 > 0:07:17I don't understand. What... You... Who is it?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Tell me who he is and I will fight this tag-nut for your hand.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25- Alex Scott.- Alex Scott? He sounds shit.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27No, Alex Scott. I used to teach HER.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31Alfie, I really, really didn't want to have to tell you like this.
0:07:31 > 0:07:37- You're going out with Alex Scott? She's, like, 20 and...hot.- Yeah.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40And a girl! And, sorry, more importantly, she's your pupil!
0:07:40 > 0:07:44WAS... Years ago.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45I don't know what to think!
0:07:45 > 0:07:50I am angry and aroused and upset.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54And mainly aroused. And confused.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I didn't think the idea of lesbians could make me this miserable.
0:07:57 > 0:08:02- I just... I like her. - I like Joe, I'm not going to bum him.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- This is completely different.- Is it?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Sorry, what would you be like if I was like, "Oh, last night,
0:08:07 > 0:08:10"I was helping Joe with his homework and one thing led to another
0:08:10 > 0:08:13"and I just ended up tugging him off into his Encore Tricolore"?
0:08:13 > 0:08:18- I'd say, "Why are you teaching him French?"- You know what I mean.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Look, I love you!
0:08:21 > 0:08:27See all of this - the petals, the candles, the Michael Buble.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Does anyone really like Michael Buble?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32He's just a shit Michael Ball.
0:08:32 > 0:08:39I realise that this is a strange, highly-emotional time for you,
0:08:39 > 0:08:42but how dare you take this out on the Bube-ster?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45She didn't mean it, Michael.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Please don't go. I'm sorry.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Fine! Bye, then!
0:08:53 > 0:08:58I'm off to find one of the boys in my class to see if he fancies a bumming!
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Mr Wickers.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04These are the Wilsons.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08They were thinking about sending their child to Abbey Grove.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Shall I show you back to the car park?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Sir, why haven't you dealt with that bowl yet?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Right, for the last time it's not a bowl, it's a man bob.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36- Not gigi.- And the reason that I haven't been able to deal with it is
0:09:36 > 0:09:38cos I've been busy picking up the pieces of my broken heart.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Ah. Miss Gulliver's no biggie, sir. Every girl has a minge binge.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- Minge!- Maybe the reason they become lesbians after they've got with me
0:09:46 > 0:09:49is because they know that it's never going to get any better -
0:09:49 > 0:09:51like when Sir Chris Hoy retired after London 2012.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Want me to be your guinea pig? You could kiss me, to see if I turn,
0:09:54 > 0:09:55like a lesbo Twilight.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Sir, so what if Gulliver's exploring her boundaries?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Sexuality ain't a rigid set of definitions.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04It's a spectrum and we all fluctuate between its many polarities.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Plus yat on yat is fit, innit?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08And he's back.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Joe's got a choad!
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Guys, can you hurry up, please?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Piss off, Savile! Sir's perving on us.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18I'm ready, sir. Hope the water's warm.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22I'm not looking. Chantelle, I told you to put your pyjamas on.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- I sleep naked. - Go and get some clothes on now!
0:10:25 > 0:10:26SHE TUTS
0:10:26 > 0:10:30- This leisure centre is minging.- Joe, you don't sleep in a duffle coat.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34I do when it's cold. Please don't make me swim, Alfie.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Mate, you should be used to having wet pyjamas!
0:10:41 > 0:10:45- Is that my shirt?- It's all I could find. Do you want some breakfast?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Look! It's my XXL conny!
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- It's a verruca sock.- Argh!
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Where's the lifeguard? She better be a sort.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Don't worry, mate. They always are.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57WHISTLE BLOWS
0:10:57 > 0:11:01BAYWATCH THEME PLAYS
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Oi, Jing. Get your harpoon out. I've spotted a whale.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Sit down, you grubby little toads!
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Hi. I'm Mr Wickers.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22- You, too.- I'm the form teacher.
0:11:22 > 0:11:29Sit! My name is Joy. Before you begin, a couple of ground rules.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33I don't like children, but I do like my kit.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36And take extra special care of Thomas.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- Oh, her dummy's got a name. - Rules. No diving, no bombing
0:11:41 > 0:11:44and no petting, of the heavy or light persuasion.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48- What's petting?- Why don't you show us, love? Give us a kiss!
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Do you want a faceful of congenital herpes? Thought not, squirt.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55And finally, no running!
0:11:55 > 0:11:58We had a lad used to run round, ended up cracking his head.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03He can't run any more. Eats through a tube and shits in a bag.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09I think what Joy is trying to say is that water can make this surface
0:12:09 > 0:12:10very slippery.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Wasn't water. He tripped on a crutch.
0:12:15 > 0:12:20OK, er, back to swimming. Has anyone got any questions for Joy?
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Yeah. Is it true the water changes colour if you piss in it?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Yeah. It goes yellow. Tods turn the milk chocolaty.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- Someone's done a dump in it? - Wasn't my fault, you weasel.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32I've got a spastic colon. Speaking of which...
0:12:35 > 0:12:40- Sorry. Aren't you going to help me with this?- Nature calls.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43That Ginsters Scotch Egg bar's tipping the concierge.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Think it wants to check out.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47SHE GROANS
0:12:47 > 0:12:48OK.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50That was Joy. Charming little thing.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55Right, left, left, left, right. Halt!
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Right, resuscitation.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Oi, look, sir, shag of life!
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Mitchell, put that down!
0:13:04 > 0:13:09Now, Mr Wickers has got it into his septic tank of a head
0:13:09 > 0:13:13that he stands a chance of competing this year.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Get off! Mitchell, stop it!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Any hole's a goal. Let's make it airtight.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- Mitchell!- Thomas! Get off my husband!
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Right, well, I think we can rest easy.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Stop looking at me. Cheeky wee bastard.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Ah! Miss G!
0:13:40 > 0:13:43I'm very concerned about the swimming gala, Fraser.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Can I interest you in a lager? Or a stout?
0:13:47 > 0:13:53- I tend not to drink before 10:30am. - A selection of guest ales?
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Look, Miss Pickwell is insisting her children starve themselves,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00in order to achieve Olympic-standard body mass.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Darts?
0:14:02 > 0:14:06I'm going out with a woman, Fraser. I'm not a man.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10Oh, there it is. I had heard you'd kissed a girl and you liked it
0:14:10 > 0:14:13and that's totes coolio on so many levels. Kind of explains why
0:14:13 > 0:14:16you've never really wanted a slice of the Fray Bantos pie.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Mm-hm... Yup, hit the nail on the head.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Yup, so now that "us" is off the table, we can let it all hang out.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27- Oh, wow.- Oh, new Speedos tend to have very little give.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I'm just breaking in the gusset for later.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Look, this is a point of principle, Fraser.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35Either you excuse my class from competing
0:14:35 > 0:14:38or we will take part in a non-violent protest at the gala.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- I thought you'd be more into this swimming lark now.- Why?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Clare Balding?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Argh. Motherfunkster.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Oi, numb nuts. Why are you wearing goggles?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Er, because I have a severe chlorine allergy.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59I don't want to get any splash back from this bad boy.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Wait, you've got webbed feet, but you can't actually swim?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05I know, Jing. God can be a cruel mistress.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08It's like giving the Pope a big willy.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Right, I am going to throw this plastic brick into the pool
0:15:12 > 0:15:15and then each of you is going to take turns to dive in,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17collect it and then swim it back to shore.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19What is this preparing us for?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21You know, Jing, learning is a lot easier
0:15:21 > 0:15:23if you don't ask any questions.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28OK, so who's going to go first? Joe, want to get it out the way?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- I will. - All right Stephen, you're up.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35- Oi, Oi!- Argh!- Mitchell!
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Mitchell, stop splashing me! I'm allergic.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43I need to throw the brick in first. Get out of the pool!
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Come on, throw it.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- If you aim at me, it ain't going to anywhere near me.- Mitchell, get out!
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Or what, you'll come and get me, goggle rash? Throw it, you melt.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Fine!
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Oh, shit!
0:15:57 > 0:16:01- Sir, help him! - I can't go in, I'm allergic!
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- Quick, do something! - Is he going to die?
0:16:08 > 0:16:09What?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Where's Joy?
0:16:11 > 0:16:12He's dying!
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- JOY!- Sir!- JOY!
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Come on, you bastard. Work with me.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20SHE STRAINS
0:16:22 > 0:16:24All right, I will buy a second beer at Nando's
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- for whoever saves Mitchell! - Right, get in!
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Coward.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39Stephen, you can stop doing that now. We've lost.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- Can't someone else dive with me? - We've been over this.
0:16:41 > 0:16:46Jordan and Raj are injured. Rem Dogg is, well, Rem Dogg.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Girls?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52How can you all be on your periods at the same time?
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Women synchronise, too. Me and Chantelle started Monday.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Please don't! We might as well just accept Pickwell's won.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Joe's not competing in anything.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03I'm on my period, too?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- Blobby's on the blob! - I told you he had a fanny!
0:17:06 > 0:17:10- I thought you were concussed? - Oh, me head. Argh!- Come on, Joe.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12All we need to do is win one event.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14No way. Everyone's going to laugh at me.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Why would they laugh?
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Last year I wasn't even swimming, I was just putting out lane numbers
0:17:19 > 0:17:22and Grayson got the whole school to do the Moob-Bot.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25The Moob-Bot?
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Oh, that's clever. But you can't let Grayson win.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- But I can't dive.- It's not about diving. It's about synchronising.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38You do something, no matter how shit it is, he tries to copy it.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39We might get lucky.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42But if it's so easy, why can't you do it?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Oh, how many times? Chlorine is my Kryptonite.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46One drop of that shit
0:17:46 > 0:17:50and I go from Jamie Redknapp to Harry Redknapp, like that.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Now, come on, buddy. I believe in you. We all believe in you.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Inspire a generation. Hashtag YOLO.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01YOLO, Joe. YOLO.
0:18:01 > 0:18:06ALL: YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO!
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- Can you buy me three beers? - Everyone can have three beers!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14CHEERING
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Ah, Mr Smith!
0:18:22 > 0:18:26It's so great to see you, after the racial insensitivity tribunal.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30With hindsight, I can see that word is best left to rappers.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Well, let's just let bygones be bygones.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Yes, bro.
0:18:36 > 0:18:42# Some day-ay-ay-ay
0:18:42 > 0:18:47# We walk hand in hand. #
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Abbey Grove swimming gala.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57CHEERING
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Now, to light the Olympic torch.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Let the Games begin.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Oh, no.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Don't panic! Everything's fine!
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Everything's fine. Everything's cool. Don't panic!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Everything's fine. Do not worry.
0:19:32 > 0:19:37Oh, God. It's really hot. Help! Help!
0:19:40 > 0:19:42KLAXON BLARES
0:20:04 > 0:20:06# We shall We shall not be moved. #
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- KLAXON BLARES - Argh! Oh, my God!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Stuck, is it?
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Stand back.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30Sometimes there's no substitute for a little bit of manpower.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Any minute now, it'll just drop. It's a stubborn one.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Oh, shit!
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Erm, I haven't actually put my money in it.
0:20:53 > 0:20:58Oh...that'll be why nothing's coming out, then.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03FYI, your, er, little minge binge.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Not my fault. I've checked with loads of my ex-girlfriends
0:21:07 > 0:21:09and they're all still straight.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11"Checked"? What do you mean, checked?
0:21:11 > 0:21:16I asked them if they were gay. Not straight out. I'm subtle, like.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17What did you ask them?
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Timbaland - music producer or formal evening footwear?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24You're intimidated.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26No, I'm not.
0:21:26 > 0:21:32I just think that, you know... you might be, er, missing out.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36I'm not missing out.
0:21:36 > 0:21:41No, because sex with Alex
0:21:41 > 0:21:44is a sensual awakening.
0:21:44 > 0:21:50Wave upon wave of mind-blowing orgasms.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53She's a volcano of pleasure.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Very clever.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Very clever, indeed.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Get your own back by giving me an erection
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- at a children's swimming gala.- God.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I don't care if you're dying of starvation,
0:22:22 > 0:22:24your bingo wings are not going to mess up this entry.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- Miss, I feel... - You do not feel, you dive.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Are you all right?
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Sir, we need to call security. I've seen a suspicious package.
0:22:35 > 0:22:40- Eugh. Pickwell's camel toe? - Toe? That's a whole hoof.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42CROWD CHEER
0:22:45 > 0:22:47SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
0:22:51 > 0:22:52Zero?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Are you out of your tiny little minds?
0:22:54 > 0:22:57There was no synchronisation.
0:22:57 > 0:23:03Yes! Look, it's easy. Just keep it simple. Keep it synchronised.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07I can't! I can't take my top off. Everyone will laugh.
0:23:07 > 0:23:12Ignore them, Joe. Look, no-one is happy about their bodies.
0:23:12 > 0:23:17You really think that this will ever win Heat's torso of the week?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20No, but they might bring back Circle of Shame for those nipples.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Stephen, could you just go and sort out the music?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25This dive is happening!
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Look, mate, beauty is more than skin-deep.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31You are like...
0:23:35 > 0:23:38..a Ginsters Scotch Egg bar. Yeah.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42On the outside, you're not traditionally beautiful,
0:23:42 > 0:23:46but inside... inside you're pretty damn special.
0:23:46 > 0:23:51Argh! My ankle! This witch tripped me!
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I said no running.
0:23:58 > 0:24:03No way. Right, that's it. Shit's getting real.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05What about your chlorine allergy?
0:24:05 > 0:24:08You know what, Joe? Some day...
0:24:10 > 0:24:12..we've all got to face up to our fears.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- You with me?- Oi, chicken dipper!
0:24:18 > 0:24:20That's the spirit. Lock and load.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23What happened to not being ashamed of your body?
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Joe, there are some shortcomings that no man will ever get over.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Put it down.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34THEY SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT
0:24:35 > 0:24:38CROWD: Dive, dive, dive, dive!
0:24:41 > 0:24:46- Are you sure about this, Alfie? - Yeah. How bad can it be, right?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- Bob bump?- Bob bump.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03# But I promise, girl, I ain't afraid
0:25:03 > 0:25:09# It's raining inside your bed No parts are dry
0:25:09 > 0:25:14# I knew that I was ready, baby
0:25:16 > 0:25:19# To take that dive. #
0:25:30 > 0:25:31- Yes!- Yes!
0:25:31 > 0:25:33CHEERING
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Yes, we did it!
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Oh, oh, my chlorine allergy. It's vanished! I feel fine!
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Honestly, guys, how bad is it?
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Not bad at all.
0:25:53 > 0:25:58Oh, my God, you look minging... but no worse than normal.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00You look fine, sir. Really.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03You better get into a hot shower and some dry clothes, sir.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- I'll help get your trunks off. - Whoa! I think I can cope,
0:26:06 > 0:26:07thank you, Chantelle.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12PAINED GASPS
0:26:13 > 0:26:15EVIL LAUGHTER
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Is somebody there?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20- Where are my clothes? - Nice face, Downton.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Seriously, Frank, I am not in the mood for this.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27- Thunderbirds are GO!- What?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29LAUGHTER
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Ow!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33This isn't funny!
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- Seriously, guys.- Come on, sir!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42- This is not funny!- Alfie?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Hello? Rosie?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50We're in the lobby, aren't we?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- Yeah.- Shit!
0:26:53 > 0:26:55This is my recurring nightmare.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59- Is he OK?- Oh, is this..?
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Yes! This must be the famous Alex.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11How wonderful to finally meet you.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12No?
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- It's like that, is it?- You are making a spectacle of yourself.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Go and put some clothes on!
0:27:18 > 0:27:23Oh, sorry. You think I'm embarrassed about my body? Pu-lease!
0:27:23 > 0:27:29Darling, you just can't handle being reminded of what you could have had.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31DELIBERATE COUGH Argh!
0:27:34 > 0:27:36GIGGLING
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Come on, then, take a photo. It'll last longer.
0:27:43 > 0:27:44Figure of speech. I didn't mean it!
0:27:44 > 0:27:47- Stop it, Mitchell!- Sir?
0:27:58 > 0:28:02I promise, it's me. Please?!
0:28:02 > 0:28:05I've got to buy those guys 30 beers.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd