0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10Lock and load, it's Class Wars! Mitchell, Rem Dogg, corridor.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13You're the advancing German army. Right, it's 27th May 1940.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Thousands of British troops have been stranded
0:00:15 > 0:00:17on the beaches of Dunkirk.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19French beach? Is it one of those topless ones?
0:00:19 > 0:00:22No, Chantelle. Keep your clothes on, and prepare for battle!
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hey, gang, I'm Mr Schwimer.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Er, where did YOU come from?
0:00:37 > 0:00:41All the way from Harvard University, sunshine state of California,
0:00:41 > 0:00:43reporting for duty, sir!
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Yeah, we're doing the Battle of Dunkirk,
0:00:45 > 0:00:47which means you're about four years too early, mate.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50You're doing humour. I love British humour.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52- IN COCKNEY ACCENT: - Corgies with me majesty, m'lud?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Please can I have another crumpet!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56All right, settle down, everybody. Take a seat.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58(Is he fucking mental?)
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Oi, Dick Van Dyke. What the hell are you doing here?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03This is my class.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Didn't Miss Pickwell tell you? I'm here to take over Form K.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Er, no, you're not, these are my pupils.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11Sorry, hombre. Not any more.
0:01:11 > 0:01:17Well, actually, yes, any more... hombre. I'm in charge around here.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20I've got their respect. I'm like a god to them.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Sieg hiel, Bastian Schweinsteiger!
0:01:26 > 0:01:28What?
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Dunkirk was at sea.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02'Welcome to Radio Frase.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04'The chat quota of LBC,'
0:02:04 > 0:02:10but with a host who was loved as a child. Avengers, Assemble-y!
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Last one there gets a detention, unless it's Rem Dogg.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18First announcement on the new Tannoy, check.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Felt weird without any trousers on.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Note to self - fake tan and white slacks don't mix...
0:02:24 > 0:02:26The Tannoy's still on, isn't it?
0:02:26 > 0:02:27FEEDBACK OVER TANNOY
0:02:27 > 0:02:31'Just to clarify, I am wearing underpants.'
0:02:31 > 0:02:32(Oh, God!)
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Have you seen Pickwell?
0:02:41 > 0:02:45God, when I see her I'm gonna give it to her with both barrels.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Dick.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Maybe a change will do you good?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Yeah, you would say that, cradle snatcher.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Alex is three years younger than you. We're happy.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Get over it.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Did you have a fun weekend?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01We went for a lovely, romantic meal.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04A Happy Meal, was it? What toy did she get?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- If anyone's a child here, it's you. - Great.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Well, that means you can set me and Alex up on play dates.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Well, she does have some very fun toys.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Oh!
0:03:15 > 0:03:20Hello, willkommen and awooga!
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Item one. The school's got a couple of new furry friends.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26And I'm not talking about the pair of puppies
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Erica Tinkler's recently acquired.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Woof woof! # Who let the dogs out? #
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Um, puberty...let the dogs out.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40It's normal for your bodies to change and grow.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43In fact, the other day I thought I found a lump.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Don't worry, nothing cancerous -
0:03:45 > 0:03:48turns out it was just a knot of dead skin in the old pork purse.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Rats. We've got rats.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Rats are really just big black mice, like Rastamouse.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57So, don't be scared of them,
0:03:57 > 0:04:01and please, please, please don't tell your parents.
0:04:01 > 0:04:06Item two. The PE teacher has quit to become a tree surgeon. I know!
0:04:06 > 0:04:08E-mail from his lawyer saying
0:04:08 > 0:04:10something about operations on a yew tree.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Good luck to the guy.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Luckily, we've got a new signing, who's going to be taking over
0:04:15 > 0:04:17the school's worst-performing class, Special K...
0:04:17 > 0:04:20um, Form K.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22As the Archbishop of Banterbury,
0:04:22 > 0:04:26I hereby ordain thee, Brother Schwimer.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Explosion, shrapnel.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39That handshake is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43So, a little about me.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45I just got back from Malawi, Africa,
0:04:45 > 0:04:49where I was helping the victims of a savage civil war.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52But I am sure as heck pretty darn excited to be here now
0:04:52 > 0:04:54in Watford, United Kingdom.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59OK, so I'm going to be teaching history,
0:04:59 > 0:05:01and helping out with the gym class.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05So I guess you're wondering what qualifies this guy to teach gym?
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Yes.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Well, I did make a brief appearance at the Olympics
0:05:10 > 0:05:13here in London, England, on Team USA.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Whoo!
0:05:15 > 0:05:16What do you want? A medal?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19I won gold with the coxless four.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21CHEERING
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Now I want to give you guys a taste of the good old US of A.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28But I will leave the school food to you.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I'm not saying my students back home were chunky or anything,
0:05:31 > 0:05:34but I could catch them skipping class on Google Earth.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Let's hope they keep the gun culture at home as well, mate.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42We all know why they keep their kids so fat. Bigger targets.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45IMITATES GUNFIRE
0:05:47 > 0:05:49High school massacres?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Am I right?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Yeah?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Come on - he's yanking your chain.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58- ENGLISH ACCENT:- Gallows humour.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Throw him in the bloody Tower with Saint Arthur of the Round Lake.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Classic!
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Someone lock this guy up in Bant-anamo Bay! Hey. Timberlake?
0:06:10 > 0:06:14- Oh!- Who's with me? I love Justin Timberlake.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Mr Wickers not with you?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Why, do you want him?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I don't WANT him.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I just thought he'd be yapping around your cankles
0:06:27 > 0:06:32like some over-excited puppy that needs a good spade to the genitals.
0:06:32 > 0:06:38Just to clarify, because I don't want you misreading any signals,
0:06:38 > 0:06:44it may shock you to learn that a sexual carnivore like myself
0:06:44 > 0:06:47was, for a spell...
0:06:47 > 0:06:48herbivorous.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Well, I don't understand a word of what you just said
0:06:51 > 0:06:54but I'm guessing it's something to do with the fact
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- I've got a girlfriend? - I understand your surprise now,
0:06:56 > 0:07:01but this velociraptor couldn't wolf down the caper bush for ever.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Are you trying to flirt with me?
0:07:03 > 0:07:07No! No, no, no. Women cannot live on pitta alone.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I need a little kofte in my kebab.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Well, I'm sure that comes as a relief to many, many men.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17I want you to know that I am...
0:07:17 > 0:07:19(back on solids.)
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Phew.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31We need to talk about Kevin.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34You can talk to me about anything you want.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37My door is so open, it's off its hinges.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Yeah, I get it. Very clever.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Why didn't you tell me I was losing my class?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47After that fire at the swimming gala,
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Pickwell has got my jolly pink giant by the scruff of its neck.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52She said either I hire Kevin
0:07:52 > 0:07:55or she reports me to various child welfare agencies,
0:07:55 > 0:07:58none of which are mahusive fans of Super-F.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Well, I don't care where I have to take this fight -
0:08:01 > 0:08:03I'm getting my kids back.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Oh, BT-dubs, if you're planning a Fathers for Justice-style protest,
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I've got wide a variety of superhero costumes you could borrow.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11The only one I can't lend you is the Superman one.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Why not?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17How long have you been wearing that?
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Every day for four years.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21In case I need to save the school bus.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26Buttons, buttons... Buttons.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Right, look, you can't just give my class away.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40- Can too.- Can not.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Can can, can can. I can do the can can.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Yeah, well, I've spoken to them and my class want me back.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- They would take a bullet for me. - Ha! I find that hard to believe.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51What the hell is that?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57OK. Right, you're aware this isn't Hogwarts?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Mr Wickers, meet Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld, meet Mr Wickers.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Why is there an owl on your arm?
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Well, Mr Fraser's attempts to eradicate the vermin have been, thus far, unsuccessful, so...
0:09:07 > 0:09:09An owl is the solution?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Well, I wanted to use mustard gas, but some precious Red Tape Susan
0:09:12 > 0:09:15said that sulphur-based cytotoxins and children are incompatible.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20Hence, Rumsfeld and I are hunting rats - oh, and there's one in particular that's so grubby,
0:09:20 > 0:09:24even turds retch as they glide past HIM in the sewer.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28OK, well, I assume I'm the rat in that little pooey analogy of yours.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29But let me tell you this, there is
0:09:29 > 0:09:33absolutely no way on Earth that I'm going to stand by and watch you...
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Cheep, cheep, cheep. Would you like to meet your new form now?
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Fine.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44I'm teaching 2J? Putting me in there is like
0:09:44 > 0:09:47putting Justin Bieber on the main stage at Reading.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49They'll murder me.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Remember - don't look them in the eye.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Oh, and the smell of urine? They're just marking their territory.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...
0:09:58 > 0:10:01I take a look at my life and realise there's nothing left
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Cos I've been laughin' and blastin'
0:10:02 > 0:10:05So long that even Momma thinks that my mind is gone.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07I didn't know you were a Coolio fan!
0:10:07 > 0:10:09It's the Bible. Psalm 23.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Whatever. It's definitely Coolio.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13It's a tune, though, I'll give you that.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Oh, I forgot to mention, they're studying this.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Right.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Listen up, you little bastards.
0:10:27 > 0:10:32Before we begin, I want to make one thing crystal clear.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41I could kick the shit out of you in a fight.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45And don't think that I wouldn't just because you're smaller than me
0:10:45 > 0:10:47and some of you are little girls.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Any questions?
0:10:51 > 0:10:52No. Thought not.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Beowulf, chapter one.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00In hildy-fildy pildy harque-wun pur-pon diddly dee di
0:11:00 > 0:11:02diddle-um dee didly dom...
0:11:05 > 0:11:08SCREAMING
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Six minutes, 17 seconds.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- They're monsters!- They're 11. Just think of it as babysitting.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- I'm not a babysitter. - No, of course you're not.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16They are babysitting you.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20- I see visions of me dead. Lord, are you there?- The Bible?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22- Tupac.- No, please!
0:11:33 > 0:11:36A little orphan looked up at me and said...
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Nicola Berti's been stabbed!
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Don't worry, I know first aid.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42She's bleeding out by the school gates. Go, quick!
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Go. Go.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Okey-dokey, time for a little chat.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Is Nicola going to die?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Nicola? Oh, no, that was just something I said
0:11:53 > 0:11:56to get rid of Kevin of Nazareth.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58- Gullible!- So not LOL, sir.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00What's that?
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Mr Schwimer ran the New York Marathon for Protect The Rhino.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Protect The Rhino? They're basically dinosaurs!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I think they can look after themselves.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12I have been thinking long and hard about how I'm going to get you back.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I have considered every possible option -
0:12:15 > 0:12:19and I'm going to need one of you to say that Kevin touched you.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23A little fiddle. Anyone?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Oh, God, you guys are so square!
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Joe? Your new haircut's given you a kind of choirboy vibe.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34They tend to dig that look.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35No way.
0:12:35 > 0:12:41I just want my class back. What am I going to do?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Cut and run? Take me to France, sir.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Overnight ferry, shack up in Bordeaux, let the man-hunt begin.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Come and get us, Interpol.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- I've got a plan to get rid of him, sir.- Shoot.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Right, we're going to need a van, some cable ties and an alibi.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Oh! Mitchell, we're not re-enacting your parents' honeymoon.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01We have to get rid of Kevin somehow. He's such a dick.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Isn't he?
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Well, the thing is, sir, Mr Schwimer's actually pretty rad.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Rad? Who are you?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Look, what has this guy got that I haven't?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- Timetables.- Abs.- Dress sense.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21- A penis.- Mr Schwimer went to college with Ashton Kutcher.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25So what? Give a shit? I've got celebrity friends, too.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28My friend Atticus Hoye was on Total Wipeout.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Mr Schwimer's a pro skater, sir. He invented his own trick.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34What else has he done? Turned water into wine?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36He's teetotal.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Jesus! As if he couldn't get any creepier!
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Kids, if I can teach you one thing about life,
0:13:42 > 0:13:44never trust a man that doesn't drink.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Has Kevin just been peacocking all morning?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I mean, has he actually taught you anything?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50The English kings and queens.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52All of them? That's impossible.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Five, six, seven, eight...
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Willie, Willie, Harry, Ste, Harry, Dick, John, Harry three,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01one-two-three Neds, Richard two, Harrys four-five-six, then who?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Edwards four-five, Dick the bad, Harrys seven-eight, Ned the Lad,
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Mary, Bessie, James the Vain, Charlie, Charlie, James again,
0:14:07 > 0:14:11William, Mary, Anna Gloria, four Georges, William, Victoria,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Edward seven next, and then George the fifth in 1910,
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Ned the eighth soon abdicated then George the sixth was coronated,
0:14:18 > 0:14:22and if you've not lost your breath, give a cheer for Elizabeth.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24THEY CHEER
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Meh?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32When would you actually use that?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35I teach you transferable life skills,
0:14:35 > 0:14:38like the rap from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!
0:14:38 > 0:14:40In West Philadelphia, born and raised...
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Please, not again.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44Stop it.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Oh!
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Please help me! I hate 2J!
0:14:51 > 0:14:56One of them made me... fellate a Pritt Stick.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57My mouth's still gluey.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59LAUGHTER
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Why don't you seduce Miss Pickwell? Flirt your way out of it.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04You can practise on me, if you like.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05Please, Chantelle!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I would have to try literally everything
0:15:08 > 0:15:11before I resorted to flirting with Pickwell.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Hey, Izz. You're looking pretty fit today.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24How do you get that lovely natural glow to your skin?
0:15:24 > 0:15:28Pumice and bleach. What do you want?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Just wanted to ask you a question.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Are you from Tennessee?
0:15:35 > 0:15:39Cos you're the only TEN AH SEE.
0:15:40 > 0:15:45Plans tonight? Me, you, my crib,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47turn my onesie into a twosie?
0:15:49 > 0:15:53Hey, was your dad a thief?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55No, he was a butcher in East Kilbride.
0:15:55 > 0:16:00Because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Was your father a surgeon,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03because he stole the brain of an ape
0:16:03 > 0:16:06and put it into the body
0:16:06 > 0:16:08of a hairy little girl?
0:16:08 > 0:16:13Come, come, Iso-bel, there's no need to be like that.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17(Oh, silly me.)
0:16:22 > 0:16:23HE GROANS
0:16:28 > 0:16:3130 minutes. Me on top.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Penetrative.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Those are my terms, Mr Wickers,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40should you wish to screw your way out of this.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41Oh, and biting.
0:16:41 > 0:16:46Lots and lots of biting.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57# Look at me, I just can't believe
0:16:57 > 0:16:59# What they've done to me
0:16:59 > 0:17:01# We could never get free
0:17:01 > 0:17:05# I just wanna be I just wanna be
0:17:05 > 0:17:08# Look at me, I just can't believe
0:17:08 > 0:17:10# What they've done to me
0:17:10 > 0:17:14# We could never get free I just wanna be
0:17:15 > 0:17:17# Look at me
0:17:19 > 0:17:21# I just can't believe
0:17:24 > 0:17:28# I just wanna dream, dream... #
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Yo, alpha male!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Hey, you know Kevin DJs? He's coming round mine later.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36I'm gonna play my mashup of Chaka Khan and Chaka Demus and Pliers.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38It's called Chaka Chaka Demus and Khan. Are you in?
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Oh, God, no, I can't.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43I've got to go home tonight and run a bath to slit my wrists in
0:17:43 > 0:17:45because someone gave my class away to some stupid American that
0:17:45 > 0:17:49they've all fallen in love with, and I'm stuck with shitty, horrible 2J.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Why have you got a recorder? - Well, I read this article
0:17:52 > 0:17:54written by a freelance pest control expert in Germany.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55From what I could gather,
0:17:55 > 0:17:59his method for drawing the rats away from the villagers was this...
0:18:02 > 0:18:04The Pied Piper?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Yeah, the Pied Piper! You know him? Hm!
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Mitchell, what are you guys doing?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13I'm going to get Emo Elliot to lend Mr Schwimer his skateboard.
0:18:14 > 0:18:19- ENGLISH ACCENT:- Oi, catch the rugger ball, Jonathan Wilkinson.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Here, surprise, sir. Do us a trick?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Er, I can't. No, I mean, with my knees!
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I mean, they're just in super-real bad shape, you know,
0:18:31 > 0:18:32after the marathon.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- Don't be a pussy, sir! - Yeah, go on, sir!
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- I bet you're amazing at it. - I'll do a trick.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Well, yeah! Yeah, Mr Wickers will do the trick!
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- Can you skate? - Tony Hawk's, intermediate.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Gaming don't make you a skater, you melt.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Rooney plays FIFA, so eat a bag of shit for breakfast, Mitchell.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Just give me the board, dickhead.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54And stand back, kids -
0:18:54 > 0:18:57this school's insurance policy doesn't cover blown minds.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Hash-tag "this shit gonna be cray".
0:19:00 > 0:19:03This shit gonna be 50 shades of cray.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Wick-ers, Wick-ers, Wick-ers, Wick-ers!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- Oh!- Oh, shit!
0:19:20 > 0:19:23You OK, buddy?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Am I dead?
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Oh, Mother Teresa, where did it all go wrong?
0:19:53 > 0:19:54Sir?
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Oh, hey, Jing, where are the others?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Mr Schwimer's friend from the British Museum
0:20:00 > 0:20:02lent him some weapons and armour.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05They're all outside doing a Civil War re-enactment.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09Class Wars? Is nothing sacred?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I need to talk to you about something.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Jenga. Remember when we used this
0:20:13 > 0:20:16to run through 9/11 conspiracy theories?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19See? Still got the FBI dynamite on it.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21And look!
0:20:21 > 0:20:24It's all the Jews that didn't go into work that day.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Take it.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Something to remember me by.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31- You're not dying.- Inside I am, Jing.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34But it's all right. I understand.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36I have to let you go. Just promise me this.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Don't ever let that man patronise you.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Look! My suffragette glove puppets! Please give me the vote.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Watch out for the horsey!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Listen. Mr Schwimer isn't who he says he is.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Jing, I get it. I'm shitty old Alfie,
0:20:54 > 0:20:58he's Mr Perfect Good-Teeth Junior the Third.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00But he isn't perfect!
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Look at this photo. Something's not right.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Look.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11Oh, my God. The jogger behind him has a semi.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13No, Mr Schwimer.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Mr Schwimer's got a semi?
0:21:14 > 0:21:15The hand!
0:21:15 > 0:21:19That's a wedding ring - and it's a ladies arm.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Mr Schwimer isn't married...
0:21:22 > 0:21:23or a lady.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I knew there was something wrong with him from the start.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27It's his eyes, right? Too close together.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30No! He said he went to Harvard, California,
0:21:30 > 0:21:32but Harvard's in Massachusetts.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35And did you see how reluctant the pro skater was in doing a trick?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Why are you helping me, Jing?
0:21:37 > 0:21:42Because I love this class. It's just not the same without you.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46You're an idiot, but you're also a nice, kind man.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Let's destroy this bastard's life.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53It's mashup time, dedicated to my new best buddy,
0:21:53 > 0:21:57two time Super Bowl winner, Mr Schwimer.
0:21:57 > 0:22:03MUSIC PLAYS OVER MONTAGE: Mashup of Chaka Khan and Chaka Demus and Pliers
0:22:19 > 0:22:23And one of my ancestors actually fought in the Battle of Agincourt.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Oi! Kevin.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Yo, G.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- Mr Wickers to you, mate. - It's time you confessed.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Let me see your arms.
0:22:30 > 0:22:36My arms? Oh, mi lud, stick a shilling up me chuffer!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39This is another one of your dry, British irony jokes, right?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Stop trying to rape Mr Schwimer, sir.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Shut up, Mitchell!
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Are those your arms?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Yes.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49They look pretty feminine to me.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50I have slim arms.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54Slim, hairless, married ladies' arms?
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- Yes.- Oh, funny that,
0:22:56 > 0:23:00cos didn't you win a gold medal in the Olympic rowing, right?
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Um...
0:23:01 > 0:23:04The US team won bronze, and you weren't in it.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06I don't even remember saying that.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09You're not a pro skater, or a DJ.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Oh, and that horrible war in Malawi.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Don't bring the war into this! You weren't there, man.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19No, I wasn't. No-one was. Because there wasn't a civil war in Malawi.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20You're a pathological liar.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23So, come on, Kevin, what have you got to say for yourself?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Spit it out. We're all ears.
0:23:29 > 0:23:35Sure, I exaggerate a bit. I didn't mean to hurt anyone.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37I just wanted you to like me.
0:23:37 > 0:23:42Oh, God, a teacher craving his pupils' approval?
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Pathetic. Go on, piss off.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47So it was all lies?
0:23:47 > 0:23:48You never won the Super Bowl?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50You don't know Ashton?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52I'll never meet Demi.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53It's all fake.
0:23:53 > 0:23:59The stories, the Harvard education, this stupid plastic armour.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- What? - Yeah, these shitty little toy guns.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Please be careful! Those are actually antique.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Ooh, my name's Kevin and I've got a buddy at the British Museum!
0:24:09 > 0:24:10- GUNSHOT, SCREAMING - Oh, dear.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Argh!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14SHOUTING
0:24:14 > 0:24:16They were loaded! Are you insane?
0:24:16 > 0:24:17They weren't supposed to be fired!
0:24:17 > 0:24:20You shot him in the arse! Brilliant!
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Don't worry, Joe, it's just a little flesh wound.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26HELP! HELP!
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Someone go and get help. Does anyone know first aid?
0:24:30 > 0:24:31- I do.- Really?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- No.- Oh, Jesus!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Sir, you're meant to suck the bullet out.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37No, you idiot, you're meant to piss on it.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40That's jellyfish, you tit! Wait - that is jellyfish, right?
0:24:40 > 0:24:41Lie on your front.
0:24:41 > 0:24:46- No. No, Jing, it's fine. I'll do it, I'm desperate, anyway.- No, sir!
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Joe, just a quick one.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51You know the way your mum's not a massive fan of mine,
0:24:51 > 0:24:53if she asks about this - she might not -
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- could you maybe tell her that you sat on the bullet?- Argh!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Wrong moment.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- Help! HELP!- Sir literally gave him a new arsehole.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Why is no-one coming? Pass me the other gun!
0:25:03 > 0:25:08- Gonna put him out of his misery, sir? - No, distress signal. Give it here.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11GUNSHOT
0:25:11 > 0:25:12SCREECH
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Oh, shit. Rumsfeld!
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Shit, shit, shit! Please don't be dead, please don't be dead.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23One, two, one, two.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25- Come on, Rumsfeld. - Don't fly towards the light.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- Pickwell's coming.- Oh, no!
0:25:31 > 0:25:33SHE MOUTHS
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Right, if anyone asks, Kevin fired the guns.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38- Yup.- Sure.- Definitely.- That's a lie!
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Is it a lie? Or am I just exaggerating?
0:25:42 > 0:25:43My baby!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45I heard gunshots!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48The man of steel is here to save the day.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Are you OK, sweetheart?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54My bum hurts.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Not for the first time.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59Keep pressure on the wound. What have you done?
0:26:00 > 0:26:05It wasn't him, Miss Gulliver. I fired the gun by mistake.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09See, you told me my kids wouldn't take a bullet for me, but...
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- Joe's a hero, miss.- He threw his arse in front of the bullet!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Yeah, his bottom was like Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Forget about the boy! Rumsfeld!
0:26:18 > 0:26:21This man has lied about everything!
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- Except for the bit about shooting Joe.- I'm a fraud.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26But what about my mash-ups? You said you liked them?
0:26:26 > 0:26:27I didn't really.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29You're dead to me.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32When we confronted him, he freaked out and turned the gun on Joe.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34And then he reloaded to shoot your pigeon.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I have a problem. I can't help lying.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40I say one thing and then it just spirals.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44- BIRMINGHAM ACCENT:- I'm not even from America. I'm from Birmingham.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Not even Birmingham, actually.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51Dudley, near Tipton, you know, off the A4123.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Sorry, everyone.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56Now I've been honest, can we be buddies? I've got a jetpack.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59I flew to France on it, all the way... Brrrrrr!
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Do you want to have a go?
0:27:00 > 0:27:01I'll have a go.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06He's lying again, isn't he?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08If you ever set foot on these premises again,
0:27:08 > 0:27:12I will personally send you back to Dudley piece by piece.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Starting with these.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Does this mean we get Mr Wickers back?
0:27:22 > 0:27:23I think it does.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Yes!
0:27:25 > 0:27:28That's right, kids, Daddy's back for good.
0:27:28 > 0:27:33And I will never, ever let you get put in danger again
0:27:33 > 0:27:36because I am here to protect you, children.
0:27:36 > 0:27:4023rd October 1942. The tank battle of El-Alamein.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Rommel, ready?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Monty, ready?
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Three, two, one!
0:27:56 > 0:27:57Oh, fuck!