0:00:02 > 0:00:04MUSIC: "California Love" by 2Pac Feat Dr Dre
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- PHONE:- Isobel? Hi, it's Chris Tarrant here from Who Want's To Be A Millionaire?
0:00:07 > 0:00:10- We've got your friend Malcolm here...- 'An elementary mistake, rookie,'
0:00:10 > 0:00:12I have no friends.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15But I do have a very particular set of skills,
0:00:15 > 0:00:18a set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Hullo, Isobel! It's Malcolm here.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23My million pound question is...
0:00:23 > 0:00:27Is Miss Pickwell, A, the demon headmaster in drag?
0:00:27 > 0:00:30B, Rose McWest?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32C, Andy Murray's mother?
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Or D, an angry Scottish chicken?
0:00:41 > 0:00:44THEY LAUGH Chicken, chicken, chicken!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47MUSIC: "Chicken Dance"
0:00:51 > 0:00:54This programme contains adult humour.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Now, Miss Pickwell has gone missing.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25She's done a Klaxons and vanished without a trace.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26I don't want to point the finger,
0:01:26 > 0:01:29but it seems chicken-gate may have something to do with it.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33- Mitchell made me do it. - You egg him on.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35That boy brings pranking to a new level, right.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39The other day, he locked Joe in a cupboard, then recorded him
0:01:39 > 0:01:42screaming for help and set it as the ringtone on Joe's own phone!
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Can't change it. Classic Mitchell.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48HE LAUGHS
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Back to Isobel. The 5-0 have found her car
0:01:50 > 0:01:52on the Severn Bridge, Bristol.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54They're afraid something might have happened to her.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Well, I wouldn't worry - they've stopped burning witches,
0:01:57 > 0:01:59even in the West Country.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04It's a note from Pickwell.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06"If you're reading this note, I am dead."
0:02:06 > 0:02:08THEY GASP
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Oh, my God!
0:02:12 > 0:02:15"I am dead.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17"I've jumped from the Severn Bridge.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19"But don't blame yourselves.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23"There is only one person with blood on their hands - Al...
0:02:30 > 0:02:33"Al-lan...
0:02:33 > 0:02:35"Shearer.
0:02:35 > 0:02:40"He is my least favourite pundit on Match of the Day
0:02:40 > 0:02:42"whose name is Al-lan.
0:02:43 > 0:02:49"I way prefer Al-lan Hansen. The end."
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Oh, wow.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54She clearly went completely insane.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I know. Shearer's amazeballs on MO-TU-DUH.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Ironic, too, jumping into a river.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Shearer hates players that dive.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05It's too soon.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Thanks very much, guys.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Bloody pigs.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16HE IMITATES A PIG
0:03:16 > 0:03:18It's a clingy smell, isn't it - bacon?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22These suicides don't get any easier.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24That's the fifth teacher that's...
0:03:24 > 0:03:25HE IMITATES GUNSHOT
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Since I've been here. Still gets you.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29It's just such a shock.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Well, thank God, it's not like poor old Mr Rawlinson.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35HE WHISTLES
0:03:35 > 0:03:37I mean, an orange in the mouth is weird, but a papaya?!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Where do you even buy a papaya?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Poor little Jeremy Goss found him.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44It has been a battle trying to get him to eat his five a day.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Fraser, erm, Isobel's position...
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Obviously, we could never replace her -
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- she was deputy head of hearts...- But this school needs a Camilla
0:03:52 > 0:03:54and that is the ugly truth.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59So, whilst I find someone full-time, I'm going to need an interim deputy.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Someone with people skills, respect from the student body,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04a feminine touch...
0:04:06 > 0:04:12- Miss G, you're hired. - Oh, wow. Me? Me?
0:04:12 > 0:04:13(Bullshit.)
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Re-interviewing for the permanent deputy head role, I'm going
0:04:17 > 0:04:18to need another set of eyes.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Rosie, you'll be busy inter-rimming. Alf?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Yeah. Fine.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24I guess it is quite important that we find a
0:04:24 > 0:04:27permanent replacement pretty pronto, before the power corrupts you.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Now, what to tell the kids about this mess?
0:04:29 > 0:04:33- We should tell them the truth. - But suicide can be very distressing.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Let's tell the children a little white lie, so as not to upset them.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42And then the bear just ripped her face off, with one swipe!
0:04:42 > 0:04:47- THEY GASP - Blood bath. Face everywhere.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49The paramedic found her eyebrow up a tree!
0:04:52 > 0:04:56In other news, tomorrow is Morocco Day.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01This fez-tival has to be tagine to be believed! Thank you.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04PUPIL SOBS
0:05:17 > 0:05:20JACKINTHEBOX CACKLES
0:05:23 > 0:05:26INDISTINCT GHOSTLY WHISPERS
0:05:29 > 0:05:36'There is only one man with blood on his hands. (Alfie Wickers.)'
0:05:39 > 0:05:43JACKINTHEBOX CACKLES
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- PHONE:- Help! Help! Let me out. I'm afraid of the dark.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Seriously, please don't leave me in here.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Can you please tell me how to change this ringtone?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57THEY LAUGH
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- Haven't you finished that yet, babes?- I can't.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01I'm just too upset about Pickwell.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Oi, Pineapple Studios, want to know what happens at the end?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- If you dare... - The boy and the girl both...
0:06:06 > 0:06:09HE MAKES HIGH-PITCHED SOUND What happened?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Nothing. You look well scared, Sir.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Did you see your in-growing penis again, Sir?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16History. History's all about dead people,
0:06:16 > 0:06:20so, hypothetically, do you think that ghosts exist?
0:06:20 > 0:06:21They don't, right?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I believe that when we die, we go to Liverpool.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Yeah, only if you've done some messed up shit.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Trust us. All the dead people
0:06:27 > 0:06:30talking through Derek Acorah always have Scouse accents.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33I thought I seen a ghost once, when I was having a sleepover at Mitchell's house.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Turned out, it was just his mum in her nighty trying to haunt my cock.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Just cos your mum looks like someone drew eyes on a scrotum.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- I hear your gyppo mum does palm readings with a happy ending. - Do one.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Enough! Someone's died.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Can we just give a little respect?
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Thank you, Jing.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Although, I did also hear that about Mitchell's mum.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Do you think Miss Pickwell's going to come back as a ghost?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Wh... What? No. Why would you say that?
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Joe, you don't believe in this ghost nonsense?
0:07:01 > 0:07:06Well, I thought I did, cos this one night, my room went really cold.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08And?
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Turns out, I just left my fridge door open.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13You have a fridge in your room?
0:07:13 > 0:07:17Only for essentials like water, cheeses,
0:07:17 > 0:07:18pulled pork.
0:07:18 > 0:07:24OK, so say someone did see a ghost, hypothetically...
0:07:25 > 0:07:27..what does it want from me?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30To put its unquiet spirit at rest.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32What, like in that film where Jing walks out the telly.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Oh, you can watch scary movies now?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37The boy who cried in Toy Story 3.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Didn't cry! I had something in me eye.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Why do I give a shit if Andy's going to college?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Why did he have to leave Woody behind?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Rem Dogg's right. If you want to make your peace with Pickwell, Sir,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51you should put on the most sha-mazing memorial ever.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54We can make it just like Whitney's! Hashtag - "Queen of the Night".
0:07:54 > 0:07:56You think that would work?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59If making my peace with Pickwell's unquiet spirit is what
0:07:59 > 0:08:01I wanted to do, hypothetically.
0:08:01 > 0:08:06- Defo.- OK, right, well, obviously, I'm not being haunted by Pickwell,
0:08:06 > 0:08:08but let's put on a memorial anyway.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Why do you even care, Sir? Pickwell was a right bitch!
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Shhh.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15She might be listening.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Black velvet drapes, people. We need it looking like Phantom by break.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Oh, and I want doves.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Aren't doves for weddings?
0:08:28 > 0:08:29Black doves, babes.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32I ain't ever been to a funeral before, but in the WWE Survivor Series,
0:08:32 > 0:08:35right, The Undertaker comes out of a coffin, choke-slams Randy Orton,
0:08:35 > 0:08:39and then finishes him off with a tombstone piledriver. Why don't we just do that?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41I mean, the reasons are literally endless.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Can you just sort out the flowers, please?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45What do I know about flowers?
0:08:45 > 0:08:50- I swear your sister once sold me some roses at the traffic lights.- Whatever Dickers, she's got a proper job now.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Hmm, holds a bucket while Daddy washes the windscreens. LOL!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Rem Dogg is asking the art department about Pickwell's portrait?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Great. Can you tell them to go easy on the
0:08:58 > 0:09:00whole menopausal, child-catcher vibe.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02I'll find a picture of her smiling.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Good luck, that's like finding a picture of Sir watching One Direction without a boner.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Yeah, or a picture of you with your real dad.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Guys, chillax! Music-wise, memorials scream Candle In The Wind.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Ah, perfect. Download an Elton John best of.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19We're going to needs loads of emotional music. Ah, like that one from Gladiator.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21You know, the one that he has in the dream.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28# La-la-la-la
0:09:28 > 0:09:30# Na-na-na-naa. #
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Please stop. What is it called?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I don't know, why don't you just Shazam my singing?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39# Na-na-na-naa. #
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Oh, my God. Stop!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42I'll Google it!
0:09:42 > 0:09:44HE CARRIES ON SINGING
0:09:44 > 0:09:47(Alfie Wickers!)
0:09:49 > 0:09:54Oh, thank God, it's you.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- Hmm. - What's with the hair?
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Oh, it's a very practical style.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00You do realise you look a bit like Pickwell?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- No, I don't. - Right.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Now, I need you to come in at seven tomorrow for early detention.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Look, I went over this with Pickwell like a billion times.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I'm a teacher, I can't be put in detention.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12No, I need you to supervise it.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Well, that's even more stupid.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16At seven o'clock in the morning, babe I'll be down the gym,
0:10:16 > 0:10:21pumping iron like a lion in Tring Bannatayne...
0:10:21 > 0:10:24And I'm hoping you'll conduct this in a good spirit.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28I know you didn't get on, but she deserves a dignified memorial.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Here's the music you wanted, Sir.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36MUSIC: "Theme From Gladiators"
0:10:36 > 0:10:37It's the wrong Gladiator!
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Stephen! Stephen!
0:10:43 > 0:10:46To clarify, we... We won't be playing that.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Remember, I'm planning this memorial, so this can't take long.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Sure. Hey, before each interview, should I do a short monologue,
0:11:02 > 0:11:04a few topical jokes?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Fraser, these are job interviews, not Chatty Man.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- Fine.- Where did you find all these people so quickly?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Advert on Gumtree.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Gumtree?!
0:11:13 > 0:11:17For many moons now, I have been the humble scribe of
0:11:17 > 0:11:19medieval pornography.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21He also plays the lute!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Sorry, you know this man?
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Met him at Canterbury Market, selling porn from a barrow.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Hmm! Egad! The Pink Lance!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34He calls himself the Porn Baron.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Oh, but tarry, fair quent-beavor.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42What quim-foolery maketh thy lady of the lake wet?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47And you want to become a teacher because...?
0:11:47 > 0:11:51To be honest, mate, it's just not selling.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54MAGAZINE RIPS OPEN
0:11:54 > 0:12:00So, your name is Mrs P-hi...? Piss...? P-hi, P-hi?
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Phistor.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Phistor?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Good. A-and your first name is..?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Gay.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Your name is Gay Phistor
0:12:10 > 0:12:13and you want to work in a school full of teenagers?
0:12:13 > 0:12:17On your way out, would you mind sending in Mr Mark Skid?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Can you tell us why you were
0:12:21 > 0:12:24dishonourably discharged from the armed forces?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28It was Afghan, night...
0:12:29 > 0:12:31I was on guard at the camp gates.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Car charges up. Draws level.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39I see a figure in the passenger seat reach for something.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Split-second decision. What would you do?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Shine a torch?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Open fire. Bang, bang!
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Was it the Taliban?
0:12:49 > 0:12:53The Sugababes. They were there to entertain the troops.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I'm the reason they changed the line-up.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Mutya, right between the eyes.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17If you don't stop running, I'll hobble you quicker than you can say,
0:13:17 > 0:13:22"Very steep, secluded, concrete stairwell in a CCTV black spot."
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Mr Wickers, Mr Fraser, don't you have classes to go to?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32We need to get a new deputy head ASAP.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35I liked that man who looked like Professor Weeto.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Dick Brumhole?
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Right, as I said to him, Gay Phistor and Pat Fanny,
0:13:41 > 0:13:43you can't teach in a school with a name like that.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44The kids would destroy them.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47In that case, don't go bat-shoot cray,
0:13:47 > 0:13:51but I'm going to ask Miss Gulliver to apply for the job full-time.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52HE GASPS
0:13:52 > 0:13:54(Alfie Wickers.)
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Who put wind chimes in the corridor?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06My bad. I thought they'd lighten the place up a bit.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09It's very deathy round here at the moment. Are you OK?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Yeah, yeah. I'm... I'm fine.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16Oh, that's a parental cluster F-word waiting to happen.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Oh, I just heard from the family,
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Isobel's funeral is going ahead at St Bartholomew's.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23So, we should send a representative, show our respects.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25I'll go. Please let me go. I'm definitely going.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Through Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Sorry, erm... I'd actually like to say some words myself?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42If... If you must.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47Thank you, your honour.
0:14:49 > 0:14:54We are gathered here today to remember someone very, very special.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Someone that will be truly missed.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59(Alfie! Alfie!)
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Not now, Joe.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Let me say this - Izzy...
0:15:08 > 0:15:11HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Is...
0:15:13 > 0:15:15he dead?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Yes, yes, he is dead.
0:15:18 > 0:15:23But in many ways he is not dead,
0:15:23 > 0:15:30because we will all remember our dear old friend,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32whose name is...
0:15:35 > 0:15:39..Old Captain Birdseye.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41That's a little nickname amongst mates.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Fishy fingers himself.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Let's raise a glass
0:15:48 > 0:15:56and toast a life that was tragically cut short by, erm...
0:15:59 > 0:16:01A fight in a pub...
0:16:01 > 0:16:03A cross trainer...
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Milking a cow?
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Drink driving! Yes! Of course.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14That's how he died.
0:16:14 > 0:16:20So, let's raise the glass of water or orange juice,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22or milk.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24Amen.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26May the force be with you.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Hey, instead of me interviewing you, why don't you interview me?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42To prove that I'm an enthusiastic leader that can take
0:16:42 > 0:16:43control of unforeseen situations?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Something like that.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Why did you want to become a teacher?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Ah! Good question, Parky.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I fell in love with teaching
0:16:52 > 0:16:54when I saw that beautiful Robin Williams film.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Dead Poets Society?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- No.- Good Will Hunting?
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Flubber.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01I decided to go back to school to acquire the skills needed to
0:17:01 > 0:17:03build a green, shape-shifting energy source that would help me
0:17:03 > 0:17:05win at basketball.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Mr Fraser, if you don't give me this job, I'll be forced to
0:17:11 > 0:17:15explain to the governors why Abbey Grove is awash with these.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22Queefs Of The Nunnery. The Knights Of Cumalot.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25"As Arthur did up his chain mail, Guinevere was dallying with
0:17:25 > 0:17:30"a circle of mysterious wizards from the east - The Bukkake Coven..."
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Okey-dokey. Let's talk about your pension plan.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Hmm.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Stop blaming me, Joe. Fraser said it was happening at St Bartholomew's.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40He didn't say it was happening next Thursday.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46(You go, I'll take this.)
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Wickers!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Get in there now!
0:17:54 > 0:17:55On my way.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01I haven't got any money, you've already stolen my watch
0:18:01 > 0:18:04and the last time you wedgied me, I swear you fractured my guiche.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08HE SOBS
0:18:08 > 0:18:13I miss her so much. Why did she do it?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Why?
0:18:15 > 0:18:19It's not your fault, Frank. It's no-one's fault.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Right, now, you go out there and if anyone asks you what you was doing,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32you... You say I was in here wedgy-ing you.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Will do.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37In fact, wedgy yourself now, yeah? just in case.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39I'm not going to do that.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Come on, you know I give 'em better than that.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20(Alfie Wickers.)
0:19:20 > 0:19:24(Help! Help! Help!)
0:19:25 > 0:19:28HE WHIMPERS
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Oh, my God, major probs with the memorial, Sir.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Doves don't come in black. I had to improvise.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39We blacked up some pigeons, Sir.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43What? This is Pickwell's memorial, not Jim Davidson's.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Oh, my God, they look like they've been in an oil spill.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50That box is minging. It smells like my nan's flat.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53I think the boot polish made them a bit poorly. Funky pigeon.com.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56By the way, guys, you look amazing.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57I look like Steve Jobs.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00This memorial's going to be so great.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Definitely going to get Pickwell off my back, right?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Sir, you do realise that it's highly unlikely that you're being
0:20:06 > 0:20:07haunted by Miss Pickwell?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10I don't know why she'd bother haunting you, Sir. I bet she's lappin' up hell,
0:20:10 > 0:20:13probably down there now trying to get Stalin to sign her tits.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Oi, big guy. Don't be upset, we all miss her.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20It's not that. I've lost my phone.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22My mum's going to kill me!
0:20:22 > 0:20:25It's all right. It's probably somewhere really obvious.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26I'll call it for you.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- PHONE IN COFFIN:- Help! Help! Let me out. I'm afraid of the dark.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Seriously, please don't leave me in here! Help! I want my mum!
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Miss Pickwell made me try harder at the things I love.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Because she was always on my back,
0:21:17 > 0:21:20I can now smoke a Vogue in 30 seconds.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24I remember when she told me I was in this wheelchair
0:21:24 > 0:21:27because I'd sinned in my previous life.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29BOTH: Classic Pickwell.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Miss Pickwell asked me to negotiate for her during some trouble
0:21:32 > 0:21:34she was having with a syndicate of Chinese bookies.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37She'd been unable to honour her debts after losing
0:21:37 > 0:21:40thousands of pounds in illegal cock fights.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42We became fast friends.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- I can't. - Grow a pair, Rylan.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50It's all just too emotional.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Hashtag - YOLO.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59That's all it says.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07We will now all observe a minute's silence for Isobel.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Beautiful, man.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13Stephen...
0:22:14 > 0:22:18MUSIC: "I'm Still Standing" by Elton John
0:22:20 > 0:22:24Stephen! This isn't Candle in the Wind. Turn it off!
0:22:24 > 0:22:26It's broken!
0:22:26 > 0:22:30# I'm still standing after all this time. #
0:22:31 > 0:22:32What the...?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36HE SCREAMS
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Calm down! Stop pushing.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Everyone, make your way to the exits!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Everyone sit down! Please!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53HE IMITATES A PIGEON
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Hey! Oh, that's lovely.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16God, Isobel sure went through some styles.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Yeah.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Sorry for being tetchy earlier.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Isobel dying, well, it's affected us all.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27I know. It's weird, you know.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30I found her so annoying, but now she's gone,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33I realise I kind of loved her, too.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39It's the Crazy Frog all over again.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41No hard feelings?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Oh, I better scoot.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52Oh, if things get too much for me, I unlock the art block,
0:23:52 > 0:23:55stick on Magic FM and just do something creative.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57You should try it.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- RADIO:- And welcome to Magic FM and have we got a line-up for you tonight?
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Starting with the '60s classic from The Righteous Brothers.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Unchained Melody. Here we go.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14MUSIC: "Unchained Melody" by The Righteous Brothers
0:24:18 > 0:24:21# My darling
0:24:21 > 0:24:27# I've hungered for your touch. #
0:24:30 > 0:24:32HE SCREAMS
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Get away, get away, get away.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Calm down, Mr Wickers.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39You're a ghost! Ghosts can't speak.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41No, I'm not a ghost.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43But you're dead. You died!
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- Well, could a ghost do this?- Ow! - Could a ghost do this?- Argh!
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Can ghost do this?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50OK, I get the point. You're not a ghost.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52But how? Why?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Well, because I didn't commit suicide, Mr Wickers.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57But, do you know how bad that note has made me feel?
0:24:57 > 0:25:01No, but I... I have enjoyed imagining it.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Tarring and feathering Isobel Pickwell will always have consequences.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Now, listen to me carefully, I need your help.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10OK, but can I wash my face first?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13I feel like I've received a money shot from Morph.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23Your little chicken escapade gave me the perfect alibi.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Fake my own death, cash in my life insurance
0:25:25 > 0:25:28and get out of this hell hole for good.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Where will you go?
0:25:29 > 0:25:33Well, I've got a pen pal in Argentina.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36A German gentleman. I can't reveal his true identity,
0:25:36 > 0:25:39but he goes by the code name of the Beast of Bergandor.
0:25:39 > 0:25:44Yep. He's a dentist, ninety odd, very courtly.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Yeah, I'm... I'm really happy for you.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50But, where do I fit into this?
0:25:50 > 0:25:52I need a thousand pounds.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53A thousand pounds.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56That's like my life savings, and, anyway,
0:25:56 > 0:25:57why would I give you a grand?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Because you're the only person that wants to keep me dead.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Unless you'd like me to return to the school?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Cash or transfer?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Done. Money's in your account.
0:26:11 > 0:26:16You know, you're going to be missed. Even Frank Grayson was devastated.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Yeah, most def, most def.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22He may have got the idea from somewhere that, erm,
0:26:22 > 0:26:25he might have a little blood on his hands, too.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46HE SCREAMS
0:26:46 > 0:26:50Right. How many people did you personally blame for your death?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Hmm. About five.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Yeah, I like to have a few plates spinning.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57- Yeah, see which one breaks first. - OK.
0:27:01 > 0:27:06Actually, erm, thank you for that memorial, Mr Wickers.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08It was...
0:27:08 > 0:27:12Well, it was quite the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!
0:27:12 > 0:27:15In fact, I've only ever really dreamt of such a scene
0:27:15 > 0:27:20whilst sitting knickerless on my tumble dryer.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Oh, God.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Why do you have to leave me with that image?
0:27:25 > 0:27:29No-one must ever know of our pact, Mr Wickers.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30I trust you, Alfie.
0:27:30 > 0:27:36Do not lead the guards to me in the garden. Yeah.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Phew. Nothing.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd