0:00:00 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:04 > 0:00:09Oh, Alfred, this arrived in the post for you.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Happy Valentine's, pal.
0:00:14 > 0:00:15It's not from her, is it?
0:00:17 > 0:00:18No.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Though I'm sure Mum's thinking about us,
0:00:21 > 0:00:24over in Spain with Javier... and their children.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Forest Fruit?
0:00:31 > 0:00:35So, are you bringing anyone to dinner tonight?
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Ah, 'fraid not. Women aren't interested in an old saddo like me.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Do you know, the other day I was trying to remember
0:00:41 > 0:00:43the last time I touched a woman's breast.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50It was your grandmother's - she'd asked me to check for a lump.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Oh, Dad, TMI.
0:00:53 > 0:00:58You don't have to cook for me tonight. We could go out, lads on the town! Have a few Jaguar bombs.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59It's pronounced Jaeger bomb.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01And anyway, how many times do I have to tell you?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04It's Valentine's Day - people assume we're a couple.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Well, it's not going to happen this year, is it?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Not with your girlfriend in tow!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12I cannot wait to meet the famous Rosie Gullivard.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- Gulliver.- She is still coming, isn't she?
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Um, yeah.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19BELL RINGS Well, shouldn't you be going in?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27I might just stay a little bit longer.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Look, trooper. I was a teacher for over 25 years
0:01:31 > 0:01:34and do you know the most important lesson I learnt?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Respect is earned, not given.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Dad, just give it a rest.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43And for your information, I have the pupils' respect.
0:02:18 > 0:02:24Dr Alfinstein! Stop playing God and meet our new deputy head.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Hi. Alfie.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Professor Green.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31What, seriously? As in Professor Green?
0:02:32 > 0:02:38Yes, my ex-husband is the feted gastroenterologist Professor Herman Green.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41No, Pro Green? The best British rapper since Brian Harvey,
0:02:41 > 0:02:43or maybe J from 5ive.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45I'm afraid I'm not very au fait with the rap-hop.
0:02:45 > 0:02:51I have, however, just been told all about Abbey Grove's..."wunderkind".
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Smoocher! A-ha, Smoocher!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57You forgot your lunch box.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I popped an extra Yakult in there, help settle your tummy.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02He's got the...
0:03:03 > 0:03:06..squits. Celia!
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- Martin?- You know each other?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Know each other? We did our teacher training together.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Must be, what, 25 years?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- But what are you doing here? - I pined for a challenge!
0:03:17 > 0:03:22To salvage a struggling school, get it shipshape, hence Abbey Grove.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Aye, aye, Cap'n!
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- Classic!- Well, it wasn't.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29How's...Herman, isn't it?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Ah. Herman and I are no longer...
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Herman never understood that my career came first.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41Perhaps that's what drove the little naughty man into the arms of a young...er lady!
0:03:48 > 0:03:51It's, um, ham and...
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Coleslaw.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53- Coleslaw.- Yes.
0:03:53 > 0:03:58- BELL RINGS - Ah, the call to arms.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Well, I mustn't keep you. After all "Punctuality is...
0:04:01 > 0:04:03BOTH: "The politeness of kings."
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Go!
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Well, well, well. Martin Stool.
0:04:12 > 0:04:17Wickers. He took my mum's name, unsurprisingly.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I can see you've got a whiff of the Stool about you.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Probably the squits!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Well, off to teach my first class. Au revoir.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Ferrero Roche.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34You seem disappointed.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38You thought it was going to be the real Pro Green, didn't you?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44MUSIC: "Monster" by Professor Green
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Hey, 'sup, guys. Sweet threads.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Sir, why are we wearing our home clothes?
0:04:54 > 0:04:59Cos Pickwell's dead! From now on, it's ice cream for breakfast, bitches!
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Joe, you're worse than my dad. Why are you so chipper?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05He's in lovvvvee.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07ALL: Oooh!
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Gay!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10So, that's why you've come as Olly Murs?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Erm, Joseph, what's his name?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15HER name is Alison Dear and she's beautiful.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Alison Dear?
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Oh, Ally Dear!
0:05:22 > 0:05:29# Why do birds suddenly appear every time she is near? #
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Cos her breath smells like a trawler.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Alfie, do you think I should send her a card?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37That'd be a first. Someone sending a card TO Moonpig.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40You're just jealous cos you haven't got anyone to send a card TO.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Ooh, Father's Day all over again.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44I got this card from Mitchell's mum.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46"Dear Rem-Dogg, here's your £20 back.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49"I can't charge you cos you were so good!"
0:05:49 > 0:05:50And I got a card from YOUR mum.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Giving me back the Wotsits that I paid HER with!
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- "PS, you banged me so hard now- I'm- in a wheelchair."
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Guys, I realise it's Valentine's Day,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00but could you please stop flirting?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Speaking of which, where's Chantelle?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- She's seeing the school nurse. - Is she ill?
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Sorry, sir, she made me make a BFF personal padlock pinky promise.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09KNOCK AT DOOR
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Ah, Mr Wickers. Could we have a tete-a-tete in the corridor?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Rem-Dogg, by the way, if you have been sleeping with Mitchell's mum
0:06:16 > 0:06:18I suggest you go and give your cock a thorough clean.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Mr Wickers, is it my little betise,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26or does the school have a uniform?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Yeah, a really stupid one.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Hence I told my kids they can wear what they like now.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35You'll think me a grumpy old sourpuss,
0:06:35 > 0:06:40but I do think it lends Abbey Grove a certain sartorial elegance.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44I don't know what that means, so shall we just agree to disagree?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Shouldn't one agree to agree with one's deputy head?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50I don't really go in for that whole teacher, naggy shit.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Me and the kids are mates.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54"I", Mr Wickers, not "me".
0:06:54 > 0:06:56I and the kids are mates.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57But just, go with the flow.
0:06:57 > 0:07:03And, hey, remember, respect is a dish best served earned,
0:07:03 > 0:07:05not served...given.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14So, are we still on for tonight?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- Tonight? - Yeah, you know how ages and ages ago
0:07:17 > 0:07:20we arranged for you to come to dinner because for some weird reason
0:07:20 > 0:07:21my dad thinks we're going out?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24What?! Why does your dad think that we're going out?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- Long story, don't want to bore you with it.- Try me.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30I told him. Please do this for me?
0:07:30 > 0:07:31I'm seeing Alex.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34But he's really depressed. If he finds out that I'm unhappy too
0:07:34 > 0:07:37this could be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- Are you saying your father's life is in my hands?- Er, no,
0:07:40 > 0:07:42but literary analogy, you're Ted Hughes, my dad's Sylvia Plath.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I don't want to find him putting his head into a gas oven.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48He's not going to put his head in an oven if I don't come for dinner.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Yeah, well, obviously not, cos I don't have an oven in my flat.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52He could use the microwave.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Actually, you couldn't use a microwave
0:07:55 > 0:07:57cos when you tried to shut it your head would stop the door.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00He could take it into the bath.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Shower! My flat only has a shower!
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Sorry, read that essay title again?
0:08:06 > 0:08:10"Who first popularised the 'Awooga' mantra? Discuss."
0:08:10 > 0:08:12And how is this relevant?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Look, Jing, now that Pickwell's not around to tell me
0:08:15 > 0:08:17what I can and can't teach,
0:08:17 > 0:08:19you're going to notice quite a few changes round here.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Now, scholars are divided into three schools of thought.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26Charles, Akabusi, "Fash the Bash" Fashanu.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30Oi, Dickers, what you doing tonight? Fash-the-bashing one out to ten-minute free-view?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32No, Mitchell. If you must know
0:08:32 > 0:08:36I'm going on a Valentine's Day dinner...with my dad.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39I can't work out whether that's really sweet or incredibly sad.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42The problem is, right, I told him Miss Gulliver's my girlfriend
0:08:42 > 0:08:45and he wants to meet her tonight but she won't come with me,
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- so I need a surrogate. - OK, so mainly sad.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51- My sister might be up for helping you out, sir. She ain't got a date tonight.- Really?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Oh, wait - do I have to, like, grab her
0:08:53 > 0:08:56or fight someone in a car park to win her hand?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Nah, just get her a Bargain Bucket. I'll text her now.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Oh, thanks, mate. Really appreciate that.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Murs, are you all right?
0:09:05 > 0:09:10It's Ally. I was going to ask her out, but she totally blanked me.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12She probably doesn't even realise you like her, mate!
0:09:12 > 0:09:15I just feel so empty.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19- Don't look it.- Sir, I've got something for you to look at.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22If you've put undergarments in my Valentine's card again,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- I'm not accepting them. - No, sir. Look!
0:09:25 > 0:09:27I'm pregnant!
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Are you sure?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Yep, she showed me the test and everything.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Maybe all that flirting was just a cry for help.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Why didn't I do something earlier?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Talk to her - you're a good listener.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46- Sorry, what? - I said you're a good listener.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Yeah, you're right, I shouldn't blame myself.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50If anything, I've fulfilled my role as a guardian.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53If the finger's going to be pointed at anyone it's her peer groups,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56whether that's her friends at school or her parents. Bang on.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59A teenage pregnancy foisted upon me already!
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Abbey Grove does not disappoint.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05God.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I'm sorry, Rosie, I've failed her.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Alfie, calm down. Just call Chantelle's mum.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14No way! She's so flirty.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Plus, I think her number's a premium line.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Still, no doubt the whole school can learn a lesson from her predicament.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23The school isn't learning anything.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25That, I do not dispute.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29I meant from Chantelle. She's not going public with it.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31She's made us all make a BFF personal padlock pinky promise.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Do we know who sired the infant?
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Who's the father?
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Oh. We don't know, but I guess we'll find out soon.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42She's going to name the baby after its dad.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43SHE LAUGHS
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Sorry, what do you know about Chantelle?
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Well, I know that letting pupils...how did you put it?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52"Go with the flow"?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55..Always damages the reputation of a school. Full stop.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Yeah, well, I let my pupils "go with the flow"
0:10:59 > 0:11:03because I'm not here to bully them, am I? Full stop.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06That's not a full stop, that's a question mark.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08You asked me a question.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Whatever. Comma.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Semi-colon. Square brackets.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15That stupid "and".
0:11:15 > 0:11:17He's just upset, Celia.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I think I prefer Professor Green.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22I think I prefer Miss Pickwell.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Alfie, look, just talk to Chantelle, OK?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28And I suggest you do so with greater didacticism.
0:11:28 > 0:11:34Oooh! I'll be piling on the didackanism by the shedload.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Just as soon as I've googled it to find out what it means.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Help! Help!
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Thanks, Alf. I got stuck - bloody Love Lift!
0:11:55 > 0:12:00- What is this?- This bad boy is for Abbey Grove's very own Take Me Out.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04I'm getting the shy kids off Virgin Rail and onto the Pum-Tang Express.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08A dating show for the kids? Well, that's going to be pants.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Actually, wait, can we pick who goes on it?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12- Of course.- You know Alison Dear?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Oh, Ally Dear? We can put her down.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I didn't know you were a chubby chaser.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21No, not for me. I'm trying to set her up with Joe Poulter.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Consider it done. See, now you likey?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I don't like-li... It's a shit idea
0:12:27 > 0:12:30but at least it's better than your tragic online dating.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33There's nothing tragic about my date tonight. The itinerary -
0:12:33 > 0:12:36ice skating, Pizza-Sex-press, then apres,
0:12:36 > 0:12:40see if we can't find the willy-wagon somewhere warm to park...
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
0:12:44 > 0:12:49MUSIC: "Only For Tonight" by Zinc feat. Sasha Keable
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Chantelle, I think at some point we should, er, you know, um, talk...
0:13:02 > 0:13:06About the baby? Have you told anyone else?
0:13:06 > 0:13:10No! BFF personal padlock pinky promise.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Thanks, sir. Oh, I've changed my mind.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16I'm naming him after my favourite teacher.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Baby Alfie.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Oh, right...good.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Sir, do you think pregnancy's made my breasts bigger?
0:13:23 > 0:13:27- HE CLEARS HIS THROAT - I'm just going to...go over there.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Alfie, I feel like there's something I need to make really clear.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35I honestly can't come tonight.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Oh. One of those Royal Mail missed delivery things.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39It's handwritten.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43So it is. Royal Mail - the personal touch.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48- It's your address. - I must...live above a depot.
0:13:49 > 0:13:54Look, please come. I know it's a weird situation, but I'm desperate.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56I'm sorry, Alf, I'm seeing Alex tonight.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59And if you must know, we're having some problems.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Turns out I do have some issues with my...
0:14:01 > 0:14:04# I'm sexy and I know it...
0:14:04 > 0:14:06CHEERING
0:14:07 > 0:14:10# I'm sexy and I know it... #
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Come on!
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Calm down, calm down!
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Hello and welcome to Take Me Out!
0:14:26 > 0:14:30We've got six lovely ladies gagging for a fella
0:14:30 > 0:14:34- and the date of a lifetime on the Isle of...- ALL: Fernandoze!
0:14:34 > 0:14:37That's it, girls, zhuzh up your hair, pout your lips
0:14:37 > 0:14:39and hitch up your skir...
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Hair again.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Let the Abbey see the Grove.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Single men, reveal yourselves!
0:14:49 > 0:14:50It's Reggie Blinker!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52GROANING
0:14:52 > 0:14:54# I'm sexy and I know it... #
0:14:54 > 0:14:58- You know how it works, girls, no likey...- No lighty!
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Oh, God. This is going to be a car crash.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16No likey, no light...aaaah!
0:15:16 > 0:15:19CHANTING: Off! Off! Off!
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Let Mr Popplecock
0:15:37 > 0:15:40see the redundancy package!
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Probably not the time for this announcement, but, seriously -
0:15:43 > 0:15:44we will all miss you.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Single man, reveal yourself!
0:15:48 > 0:15:52THUMPING
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Help! Help!
0:15:55 > 0:15:58- The door's a bit sticky...- Help!
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Just needs a bit of force.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Come on, big guy, work with me here.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08ALL: Oh!
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Oh, my God, he looks like a Smurf.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22- So, no likey...- No lighty.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Yes! Get in there!
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Round two! So, what sets you apart from the crowd?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Um. Asthma?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37And a big willy - woooo!
0:16:37 > 0:16:40So, why do you want to be on the show?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Um, I just wanted to ask, um...
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Ally...
0:16:45 > 0:16:48..um, would you...?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55What are you doing?
0:16:55 > 0:16:59I know it's awfully jolly, trivialising sexual promiscuity...
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Are you from the past? I mean, who even talks like that?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05..but given the current situation...
0:17:05 > 0:17:07What situation?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Chantelle Parsons. She's pregnant.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Oops! What a slippy goose!
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Right! You have no right to talk about that!
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Sir! You broke the BFF personal padlock pinky promise!
0:17:18 > 0:17:21I'm sorry. I was asking Miss Gulliver for advice.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24And YOU! I told you this was a secret.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27God, you can be so didactism - noun, intending to teach,
0:17:27 > 0:17:29with an emphasis on moral instruction.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32I can be so didactic, Alfred. The adjective.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Look, it's not Chantelle's fault.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39If anyone's to blame for this pregnancy, it's me.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Sir, will you look after me and Baby Alfie?
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Baby Alfie? Mr Wickers!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48No, I forgot to tell you...
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Dickers is the dad. What a nonce!
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- At least you're not firing blanks. - It's not mine, you idiot.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55I just meant that I'd help look after the child.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Yeah. Sir's trying to be nice, like Jean Valjean in Les Mis.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Yes, exactly, like Stephen says, like the man in Les Miserables.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- Prove it, sir. Sing! - I'm not going to sing.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Explain yourself, Mr Wickers.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09I... It's not...
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Dream a dream. Sing!
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- Yeah, go on, sir.- Don't.
0:18:21 > 0:18:27# Chantelle, I shall be the child's guardian
0:18:27 > 0:18:32# Even though I did not shag you
0:18:32 > 0:18:38# I have done no wrong Just like Jean Valjean.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40# He stole a loaf of bread
0:18:40 > 0:18:48# I stand accused of putting a bun in the oven insteeeaaaad. #
0:18:55 > 0:18:56That was so beautiful!
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- Why did you do that?- (I don't know.)
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Mr Wickers, if you have impregnated this young lady,
0:19:02 > 0:19:04I shall be calling the constabulary.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06The police.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10No! Not the police! No, Professor Green. Please!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Wait! I'm not pregnant.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13What?!
0:19:13 > 0:19:14I lied.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I just wanted it to look like someone loves me.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22And I wanted you to notice me, sir.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Chantelle, you don't need to lie to get my attention.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27I'm always here for you.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Yeah, so back off, Javert.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- Alfie, Ally's going on a date with me!- Really?
0:19:37 > 0:19:41Yeah. On Saturday, we're going to World of Waffles in Watford!
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Amazing, mate. Well done. Ooh, and you know what that means?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Cos I kinda made it happen, you are indebted to me
0:19:47 > 0:19:52for the rest of your life, so... you can cook, right?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Yeah, I know my way around a George Foreman grill.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- Will you help me with my dinner party tonight?- OK.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Sweet! I knew I could count on you. Cheers, mate.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04Oi, Vagitarian, get your sister round mine for about 7, 7:30.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I'm afraid she ain't coming nowhere near you, mate.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- What? Why?- Well, she Facebooked you.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- We had a deal.- Well, I didn't make your profile picture
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- some nerd dressed as Gandalf.- Me and the lads were on a pub crawl.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Don't worry. I got a back-up plan. One of my brother's girlfriends said she'll do it.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21- You promise me this time? - Yes, Bilbo Bell-End. Just text me your address and she'll be there.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24OK, deal! And FYI, I wasn't dressed as Gandalf.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27I was dressed as Sauron, in his guise as the first Chief Lieutenant
0:20:27 > 0:20:30to the first Dark Lord, Morgoth, around the time he overran Eregion,
0:20:30 > 0:20:34killed Celebrimbor, leader of the Elven-smiths, and sealed seven of the nine Rings of Power.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35So who's the dickhead now?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Sweet - Mitchell's brother's girlfriend's on her way.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Here are your ingredients.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Mitchell got it for me.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Alfie, I can cook spag bol but I can't cook bunny rabbits.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Oh, come on, it's easy! Just shave it, stick an onion up its bum
0:21:04 > 0:21:06and then put it in the microwave.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Hey, Smooch, groovy news. I've got a hot date.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10That's brilliant, Dad. Who is she?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12DOORBELL RINGS
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Oh, sorry, there must be some kind of a mix-up.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Halloween's not till October,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23and even then, it's only really the children who dress up as monsters,
0:21:23 > 0:21:29so how about you "fuck off" and stop trying to "ruin my life"?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Good evening, Alfred.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Celia! Aloha!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Let me take your coat.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Shut. Up.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- So lovely to see you, Martin. - Oh, likewise.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54What are you doing here?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Your father invited me for dinner on the Facebook.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Oh! I don't know what is more sickening,
0:22:00 > 0:22:03the fact that YOU'RE here or that my dad's on Facebook.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Poke!
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Poke!
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Poke! Glass of vinegar, my luvver?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Oh!
0:22:12 > 0:22:15So did you meet Alfred's bit of skirt today?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Oh! I thought Alfie was single!
0:22:17 > 0:22:21Hands off! Alfie is dating the famous Rosie Gulliver.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24She's coming tonight - it's a double date.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Is she now?
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Professor Green, could I have a word with you in the kitchen
0:22:32 > 0:22:34about your dietary requirements?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Look, the Rosie Gulliver coming for dinner tonight
0:22:40 > 0:22:42isn't the real Rosie Gulliver.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45My dad's got confused and now it's too far down the line.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48I'm begging you, when you see this girl, can you just...
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Go with the flow?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54My kids'll be back in school uniforms tomorrow.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- And you'll stop setting them essays on catchphrases from the '90s? - (Yes.)
0:22:57 > 0:23:00And you'll stop teaching us topless whenever it's hot?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Shut up, Joe. This has nothing to do with you.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04DOORBELL RINGS
0:23:04 > 0:23:06That'll be "Rosie".
0:23:10 > 0:23:12You Mitchell's mate?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15His brother sent me.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Oh, shit!
0:23:21 > 0:23:24No, Mitchell, your brother is not a playa, he's a payer.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27She is 100% a prostitute!
0:23:27 > 0:23:33Hi. I can offer you £20, some cod liver oil and a rabbit...
0:23:33 > 0:23:35to make you go away.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37How d'you cook that?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Onion up the bum. Bye!
0:23:39 > 0:23:42You know, now you've paid,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45you can put your onion up my rabbit-hole!
0:23:45 > 0:23:48MUSIC: "A Little Party Never Killed Nobody" by Fergie
0:23:58 > 0:24:01I wanted the car cleaned on the outside AND the inside,
0:24:01 > 0:24:04but they thought I only wanted the outside done.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08In the end, I had to vacuum the inside myself!
0:24:08 > 0:24:09THEY LAUGH
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Oh, Martin, that is such a funny story!
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Funny?! I think you need to check your dictionary app.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21God! This is the most middle-aged dinner party ever.
0:24:21 > 0:24:26Martin, do you like the television programme Mad Men?
0:24:26 > 0:24:27I love it.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Mmm, I think you're a bit of a Don Draper.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33OK, toots. Care for another Scotch?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Oh, sorry, that was an American accent?
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Dad, you sounded like a Jamaican having a stroke.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41My wife went to the West Indies.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42- (Oh, God.)- Jamaica?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44No, she went of her own acc...
0:24:44 > 0:24:45THEY LAUGH
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Joe! Can you please bring in some bleach so I can kill myself?
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Oops, someone's a bit T-I-R-DE.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57Cheer up, Grumpo. Rosie'll pull through, it's only a touch of flu.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Yes. So sad she's not feeling herself.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Look...Dad, I might as well just be honest with you.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09The thing is, Rosie...
0:25:09 > 0:25:10DOORBELL RINGS
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Rosie!
0:25:16 > 0:25:18I thought...
0:25:18 > 0:25:19What about Alex?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22We've broken up.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Anyway, I just thought that you might cheer me up.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31You could tell your face to look a little less happy.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37I can't believe you came!
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Well, you were there for Chantelle so I thought I'd be here for you.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Thanks. Oh, and you don't need to pretend to be my girlfriend.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46I'm just going to tell my dad the truth.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48No, I don't mind being your girlfriend for one night.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- Does that mean you'll be sleeping over?- No.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Oh, sorry, it's just, I have this Postman Pat bed linen
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- so I would've change... - Shall I come in?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Yeah. Pro Green won't know what's hit her!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- Pro Green?!- Don't ask.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Dad, Celia, guess who's here?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Hey, Miss Gulliver.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Where are they?
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Oh, um, Pro Green wanted to take a look at your bedroom
0:26:11 > 0:26:13so your dad took her in there. He's very drunk.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15My bedroom?!
0:26:15 > 0:26:17LAUGHTER
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Oh, my God.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Oh, Celia! Not in Alfie's room!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28I've made blancmange.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34GROANING AND THUMPING
0:26:37 > 0:26:42GROANING AND THUMPING CONTINUE
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Did you know that apart from us,
0:26:46 > 0:26:50the only other animal to get sunburnt is the pig?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53GRUNTING AND MOANING
0:26:55 > 0:26:57God. Imagine if this got round the school.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59We won't tell anyone.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02TEXT ALERT
0:27:02 > 0:27:03It's Mitchell.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07"What's long and hard and covered in Green? Your dad's cock".
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Joe!
0:27:11 > 0:27:14I might have tweeted, like, once.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20THUMPING AND GRUNTING INTENSIFIES
0:27:22 > 0:27:25MOANING CLIMAXES
0:27:25 > 0:27:28- Oh!- Oh, yeah.
0:27:35 > 0:27:36Alfred.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Rosie!
0:27:38 > 0:27:41"Go with the flow"!
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Well, jolly good. Bravo.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52- Goodnight.- Bye, Martin.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Alfred. Rosemary.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58- Goodnight.- Night.- Night.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Dad, this is...
0:28:03 > 0:28:04Hi, I'm Rosie.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08Oh, er, probably best not shake my...
0:28:08 > 0:28:11I'm just going to put these sheets in the wash.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15I tried to keep a lid on it but...it's been a while.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Postman Pat's fine.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20(Mrs Goggins took the brunt of it.)
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd