0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains adult humour
0:00:06 > 0:00:10Look, I know how much you hate the idea of Celia and I being an item.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12It was moment of madness.
0:00:12 > 0:00:16One too many glasses of rose, the red mist descends and,
0:00:16 > 0:00:20before you know it, you're giving an old friend a...knee-trembler.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Right, stop the car.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Pull over.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29I miss the touch of a woman, Alf. Celia made me feel so alive.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Her eyes, her touch, her musk.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35If it's any consolation, it didn't last long.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39She gave my prostate the once over. Apparently, it's tip-top.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Hey, Rosie! I, er, got you a little present.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Oh, friendship bracelet?
0:01:16 > 0:01:17It's just a silly little thing,
0:01:17 > 0:01:19to remind you that I'll always be here for you,
0:01:19 > 0:01:22no matter what, for ever more.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23It's no biggie.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25You cut it off, I die.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Thanks.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Oh, erm, Celia, Fraser's giving the drugs counsellor a lift,
0:01:31 > 0:01:35and they're stuck on the M25, so we might need a back-up plan.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38It's drugs awareness day? AKA doss day!
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Show the kids a couple of pictures of a dead junkie, and then chill out.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Well, I've actually prepared a proper presentation on drugs...
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Oh, no, Rosie. It's a chore.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Leave it to the most senior member of staff.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51No, it's fine, Celia. I'm going to talk about drug mules,
0:01:51 > 0:01:53and the Taliban, and the US government...
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Woo, yeah! You go, sister!
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- I blame Starbucks.- Mmm.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59No, Israel.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Lizards?
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Really, Rosie, take a well-earned break.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Read a fashion magazine.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Flesh tones can be so brutally honest.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15I am fully equipped to give this talk.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Well, maybe you'd like to borrow a pair of these...
0:02:18 > 0:02:20It's a talk, Celia, not Customs.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Well, it seems a shame for them to go to waste.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Alfred, I've already given your father's a once-over,
0:02:27 > 0:02:29would you like me to test your prostate?
0:02:29 > 0:02:30GLOVES SNAP
0:02:38 > 0:02:40What's happened?
0:02:40 > 0:02:41It's his parents.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43They're taking me away from Abbey Grove.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45They say it's not academical enough.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48What? You...you can't leave!
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Have your parents even seen the league tables?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52What, the league tables in which we're ranked
0:02:52 > 0:02:54below two orphanages and a kennels?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57They want me to become some boring lawyer.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Sir, are you and Miss Gulliver cool at the mo?
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Yeah. I mean, she's split up with Alex, and I reckon I've got
0:03:02 > 0:03:06just about enough time to seduce her before she remembers her self-worth.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- Going to give her a knob to cry on, sir?- Oh, no, sorry Mitchell.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11I think your mum's consoling herself on it tonight.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Sir, can you ask Miss Gulliver
0:03:13 > 0:03:15to persuade my parents to let me stay here?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Er, why can't I persuade them?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- Cos you'll mess it up, Sir. - But I'm great with parents!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Every time you see my parents, you insist on taking your shoes off.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Yeah. And I bow. Respectful.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27SHE SPEAKS MANDARIN
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Oh, xie xie. Ni hao.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32When my mum came in to talk about me bunking off school,
0:03:32 > 0:03:34you asked her if you could use a clamp.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Yeah, well it's either that or putting the whole school on stilts.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40But Miss Gulliver's really persuasive.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Persuasive?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Look, I'm sorry, if you want to be inspired to be a lawyer,
0:03:43 > 0:03:45look no further, my friend.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Last year I took on BP, only one of the world's largest corporations,
0:03:49 > 0:03:52and I thrashed them, on my own, in a court of law.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- How much did you win? - Well, I didn't win any actual money,
0:03:55 > 0:03:58but you know the Wild Bean Cafe in Tring?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01They now have to have a sign on their coffee machine which reads,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04"Please do not drink directly from the nozzle."
0:04:07 > 0:04:12So, my place tonight, hang out, listen to a bit of reggae music?
0:04:12 > 0:04:13You don't like reggae.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Er, Ollie Murs?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Alfie, I'm sorry. I'm just not ready to see anyone yet.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21I wasn't asking you out!
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Hey, if you need any help with your presentation,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25don't be afraid to ask,
0:04:25 > 0:04:29cos, obviously, I know quite a lot about drugs.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33You took one anti-depressant when you heard that 5ive had broken up.
0:04:33 > 0:04:345ive'll make you get down.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- Yeah, well, you're still not that qualified.- Oh, really?
0:04:37 > 0:04:41My friend Atticus Hoye once took me to a poppers den.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45- You don't get a den for poppers. - Well, that shows how much you know.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47All these naked guys injecting themselves with poppers
0:04:47 > 0:04:50by sitting on these big rubber needles.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Atticus, he couldn't get enough of it.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55You know what they say, once you pop you just can't stop.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00So if you, er, change your mind about tonight...?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- I won't.- Well, you might.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- I absolutely won't. - Absolutely might.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11OK, guys, so there's going to be no history class today.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12THEY CHEER
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I'm going to do my drugs presentation,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- followed by a question and answer. - I got a question, Miss.- Yep?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Is it true police dogs can't smell skunk
0:05:19 > 0:05:21if you put it in a bottle of Femfresh?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23- Yep.- I sincerely doubt it.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Oh, man!
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Does anyone want some Femfresh?
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Oh, yeah. I'll take it.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29My flat gets really smelly.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Do you even know what Femfresh is?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33It's...like Febreze, right?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Yeah, it makes your curtains smell nice!
0:05:35 > 0:05:37RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:05:37 > 0:05:41OK, guys. OK, calm down. That's enough.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Now, can anyone ima...
0:05:51 > 0:05:56imagine how hard life must be for Maria,
0:05:56 > 0:05:59a drug mule from Mexico?
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Whoa, yeah!
0:06:00 > 0:06:02If I was eating Mexican food every day,
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I don't think I'd be able to keep ANYTHING in my ass.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06LAUGHTER
0:06:06 > 0:06:08What do people like Maria need?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Hair straighteners? Look at the split ends on that!
0:06:11 > 0:06:14True dat. And maybe some make-up to sort out this car crash.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15No, no.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18What people like Maria need is our respect.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Gs, Hustlers, crisis averted.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Your drugs counsellor...has arrived!
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Oh, no, no, no, no, cos I'm in the middle of my drugs talk.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Oh, that's very sweet, Miss G,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31but I have a professional up my wizard's sleeve!
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Guys, meet India.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37HE MOUTHS
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Namaste.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I'm India.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Hi. Alfie.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Teacher, leader...
0:06:49 > 0:06:50legend.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53India, you say?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Land of the pyramids.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57I'm something of a sphinx-er myself.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Sorry, did you just say 'sphinx-er'?
0:06:59 > 0:07:03OK, so I cotch for the drugs counselling service
0:07:03 > 0:07:04called Vibesline.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06We're an advice pipeline
0:07:06 > 0:07:09you can use to freebase non-judgmental advice...
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- I'm sorry, can we lose the fat girl? - ROSIE SCOFFS
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Cartel got her. Buried in the ditch.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Basically, if it's vibesing,
0:07:19 > 0:07:21chillax and ride the wave.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23SHE SPEAKS MANDARIN
0:07:23 > 0:07:25She calls me that, too.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28It's Chinese for "leader of the blind,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31"up the great mountain of wisdom."
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Sort of...roughly.
0:07:34 > 0:07:39Thanks, babe. I'm here to talk to you about the dark side of drugs.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41SHE CLICKS FINGERS
0:07:43 > 0:07:47DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:07:50 > 0:07:52OK, yah! You're having a massive night!
0:07:52 > 0:07:56The sun is coming up! You are totally chunged.
0:07:56 > 0:08:02MUSIC CONTINUES
0:08:02 > 0:08:04INHALER HISSES
0:08:04 > 0:08:05SHE CLICKS FINGERS
0:08:07 > 0:08:08MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:08:11 > 0:08:12But the good times are over.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Now we have to deal with the terrible consequences
0:08:15 > 0:08:17of substance abuse.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21You can't find your Oyster card. It's a long walk back to Chiswick.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23(Where's Chiswick?)
0:08:23 > 0:08:26You, you lost an earring your grandmother left you in her will.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29That is 45 minutes looking for it on your hands and knees,
0:08:29 > 0:08:31using your phone as a torch.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32And you...
0:08:32 > 0:08:35you kissed the guy who runs the deli you go into every day.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Fraser, this is nonsense.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Nonsense?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42- Mmm.- FYI, you're a real NEGATUDE.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Sorry, "negatude"?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46"Negative attitude." It's a mashup.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Yeah, it's a mashup.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Get with the times, Marple.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59That was the most pathetic thing I've ever seen.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I actually thought India was kinda good.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04I'm talking about you. "Teacher, leader, legend."
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Oh, yeah, I forgot "visionary". Look, I just...got into her vibe.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11I know exactly what you want to get into.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- Are you jealous? - Why would I be jealous of "Ind-jah"?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16You sound JELICULOUS.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19"Jealous" and "ridiculous". Mashup.
0:09:19 > 0:09:24You should stop doing that. You're beginning to sound like a bit of a TWUNT.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Oh, that is so uncalled-for!
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Hey!
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Oh, soz, bit of a domestic?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34A domestic? No, we're not a couple.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36No, don't worry, I'm single.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40I'm young, dumb and full of com...
0:09:40 > 0:09:42..fortable silences.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Do you want to hit the canteen, maybe?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Oh, it's pathetic.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Come on, let's go and have a "lovely lunch",
0:09:50 > 0:09:52a LUNCH...
0:09:54 > 0:09:56It...it was meant to be a mashup...
0:09:56 > 0:09:59- It's OK.- OK.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Yeah, I used to cane it pretty hard.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07- Things got pretty messy in Ibiza. - Which club?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Club Med. I went on the water slides straight after lunch.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11My dad went ballistic.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14That was one frosty pedalo home.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16SHE LAUGHS
0:10:19 > 0:10:21My parents don't want to talk to Miss Gulliver, sir,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- they only want to talk to you. - Very sensible.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Why are you dressed as a Scottish widow?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Because this is my last day at Abbey Grove!
0:10:29 > 0:10:31PHONE RINGS
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Oh, 'scuse me.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I am bothered, but I think this girl actually likes me!
0:10:39 > 0:10:41What a slut.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Everything that I love is being torn away from me.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45And I appreciate that.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49It's just that you're also being a little bit of a cock-block.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Look, I'll call your dad as soon as lunch is over.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54I promise you, I won't let him take you away.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Come on, babes.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58Yep.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02OK, so that was my mate, Savannah.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Her, me, Uggie and Quinoa are going to this totally exclusive warehouse rave tonight.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08This guy called Ben Grayson runs it...
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Ben Grayson? Yeah, his brother Frank's at this school.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Could he get us on the guest list?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Us?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16What, like we're on a date?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Well...why not?
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Well, yeah! I'll give him a call now.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Oh, answerphone.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Yo, Frankenstein!
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Yeah, it's Mr Wickers here, Wicky-wicky-wickers...
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Um, I was just wondering, bro, whether there was any chance
0:11:37 > 0:11:40I could just bum a couple of ticky-boos to the old rave-age?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- (Guest list.)- Guest list-age?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Anyway, give me a bell back, bro.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Laters. Love you. I don't love you.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Bye.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51So, if...if we go to this rave tonight,
0:11:51 > 0:11:56are you going to take anything, to like, you know, help you through?
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Yeah. Well, I mean, if we're going to be dancing until the break of dawn,
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I will probably need to take my supportive insoles.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04No, no.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06(Drugs.)
0:12:08 > 0:12:10But I thought you were clean?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Only 9-5.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17If you get me on the guest list, things could get messy.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Oh, they're going to get messy.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23I'll probably cover myself in...shit.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30My sister, Mortadella, took this legal high, right,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32which made her think she could freeze time
0:12:32 > 0:12:34and lick it like a lolly.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Sure, that's, erm...
0:12:42 > 0:12:44..Dirty...
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Viennetta.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48It's like getting a hand-job off Aslan.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- Can you get some for tonight? - Hell, yeah.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Me, you, Havana,
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Ugly and Cous Cous are going to get absolutely mashed.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00PHONE RINGS
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Is that Frank? Amazing!
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Yo! What's up, motherlover?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06I cannot wait to get into yo' club,
0:13:06 > 0:13:08bang some drugs, shake my...
0:13:08 > 0:13:10jugs.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Oh...
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Mr Carmichael.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Er, no, Stephen did not mention that you were going to call me directly.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20(I'll be a sec.) I'm so sorry about that...
0:13:24 > 0:13:26LAUGHTER
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Yo, what's happening?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Did you, er, get my message about the guest list?
0:13:32 > 0:13:3620 quid a bloke. Women go free.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Well, it's, er, me and my sexy date, so...
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Well, that's 40 quid, then.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Yep. My date's a woman.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48If I give you 40 quid, it's in no way a confession.
0:13:50 > 0:13:56Also, er, my date wants to try a certain thing tonight...
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Well, make sure he knows the safe word.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00And I've heard you don't want to pull it out too quickly.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I'm talking about drugs.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Apparently, this drug makes you think that time is an ice cream?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Yeah. 50 quid a scoop.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Done.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13HE GASPS
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Did you just ask me to buy you drugs?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Yeah, well, obviously.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Oh, God.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- You're blackmailing me, aren't you? - Mmm. Yeah.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28What do you mean, none of you sell drugs?
0:14:28 > 0:14:32All I can say is that I am very, very disappointed in you.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Why do you need drugs, anyway?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- Because I'm going on a date with India.- Why can't you just buy 'em yourself?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Er, because, A, I'm a teacher,
0:14:39 > 0:14:41B, Grayson stole all of my money,
0:14:41 > 0:14:44and, C, I made the drug up in the first place,
0:14:44 > 0:14:47so have you got any idea how ridiculous you sound?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Sir, apparently you spoke to my dad...?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Yeah, look, um, I'm sorry.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56I'll apologise for that just as soon as I've sorted out this one very important thing.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- Sir, Stephen's dad is really just going to.. - Chantelle, please. I must insist.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01This is my thinking face.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03That's why she didn't recognise it.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04HE SNIFFS
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Oh, boom squared!
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Do you know what face this is Chantelle?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- Is it your come... - Don't even say that.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15This is my "had a brilliant idea" face.
0:15:15 > 0:15:20If I can't buy the drug, I'm going to make the drug.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Are you mad?
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Come on. Drugs must be easy to invent. Look at meow meow.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29That's fertiliser. It's just someone getting peckish in a garden centre.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Mitchell, you must know something about drugs?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Course I do. My brother spent so long in a Thai prison,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35he come back speaking fluent Scouse.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39All right. Well, you can be my head chef, my LS-Delia.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Now, we need someone to help with the science aspect...
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- Jing?- No way.
0:15:44 > 0:15:49What if I told you that this counted towards the community service element
0:15:49 > 0:15:51of your Duke of Edinburgh Award?
0:15:52 > 0:15:55It's either this or wiping an old guy's ass.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59- Fine.- Yes!
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Sir, Professor Green wants to see you.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05Oh, could you tell Professor Green to go swivel on that.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08No, I didn't mean that. No, don't tell her that!
0:16:08 > 0:16:11I'll meet you in the science lab in ten minutes. Can you come back, please?!
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Is anything troubling you at the moment, Alfred?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Hmm... No.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20I saw you talking to Mr Grayson earlier.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Money exchanging hands.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- I may look like a girl of 16... - COUGHING: 60.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- But I'm not a fool. - I was buying tickets to a rave.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Big deal.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Alfred, I, too, have an addictive personality.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Your father...
0:16:37 > 0:16:40I crave Martin Wickers.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42I want to...
0:16:42 > 0:16:45inhale him, snort him,
0:16:45 > 0:16:49feel him racing through my veins and exploding inside me.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51I'll help you with your problem.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53You help me with your father.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55There is absolutely no way on earth
0:16:55 > 0:16:57I would ever let my dad go out with you.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02And who's Martin more likely to believe, dear?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05A deceitful, drug-addled son,
0:17:05 > 0:17:10or the woman who's trying so hard to help?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Look, you better get this into your stupid, bunny boiling,
0:17:13 > 0:17:17hobbity little head - I don't do drugs, OK?
0:17:17 > 0:17:21You're either with me, or against me.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23# We live life on the back of this melody
0:17:23 > 0:17:26# Me and my friends spent life in plastic
0:17:26 > 0:17:28# Brand new times and brand new happenings
0:17:28 > 0:17:31# We get up to all kind of antics
0:17:31 > 0:17:33# There's another one That's classic
0:17:33 > 0:17:36# That's classic That's classic
0:17:36 > 0:17:38# There's another one That's classic
0:17:38 > 0:17:41# We get up to all kind of antics
0:17:41 > 0:17:43# There's another one That's classic
0:17:46 > 0:17:49# What you saying? Check That's classic. #
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Oh, it smells disgusting!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53She's never going to swallow that.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56I could lower the pH down by neutralising the carbon substrate.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58I've got a better idea.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Behold!
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Dirty Viennetta!
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Why do I bother?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Alfie, it stinks in here. What is that?
0:18:08 > 0:18:12This, my old friend, is the new legal high,
0:18:12 > 0:18:14that all the kids are talking about.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Please tell me you are not cooking drugs with children?
0:18:17 > 0:18:18Oh, God, here we go again.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Throwing the rule book at me. What is it this time?
0:18:21 > 0:18:25Page 20,000, rule 3 million, subsection B,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28"Do not involve the children in the production of narcotics"?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Do you realise how irresponsible you're being?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Babe, you really need to chill out.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Maybe you should take a leaf out of India's book.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37OK, and what book is that? Fifty Shades Of Bitch?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39The Great Twatsby?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42The...The Unbearable Lightness Of Being A...
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Cod-Bohemian Dipshit?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47OK, obviously the last of those is not a real book.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Is it?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Alfie, you, you have done some crazy stuff in your time..
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Yeah, like falling in...
0:18:54 > 0:18:56fond with you.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57SHE SIGHS
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Alfie, in the classroom just be a teacher, yeah?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04And with women, just...just be yourself.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05- Be myself?- Yeah.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09Great, so you're so jealous that you want me to die a virgin?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Right, Mitchell, I can sense you sniggering.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Room for a little one, Mr Fraser?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Ah! No Mr Fraser here.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20I'm Kurt Co-bear, the anti-drugs bear!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- Bear?- They didn't have any more bear costumes.
0:19:24 > 0:19:29- So you're...- I'm...Kurt Co-bear, the anti-drugs prawn!
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Conducting a drugs amnesty.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33# Under the sea... #
0:19:33 > 0:19:35I'm here on rather pressing business.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38There's a young teacher at Abbey Grove who has become the victim
0:19:38 > 0:19:40of a craven drug addiction.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42If you're talking about me, I've only taken drugs once
0:19:42 > 0:19:44and the ending was not a happy one.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I was weather-guarding some suede slacks
0:19:46 > 0:19:48when I took in a lung-full of fumes.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51I was completely off my head and thought I could fly.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52It was an absolute disaster.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55I forgot my passport, then I freaked out on the Gatwick Express.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I wish I'd weather-guarded the inside of those slacks.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59I see I must act alone.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Goodbye, Mr Fraser.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04I'll be seein' ya.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Alfie, this drug stuff has gone too far.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Oh, are you going to tell me this is the most stupid thing I've ever done?
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Well, apart from when you bet your laptop that Jason Statham would win that Oscar.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Have you SEEN Transporter 3?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Look, Alfie, Miss Gulliver's right.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22OK, you've got a lot of great qualities,
0:20:22 > 0:20:25and if someone can't see that, then they probably don't deserve you.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Yeah, I guess you're right.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30What great qualities?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Well, you can speak Elvish.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Just "Where's the toilet?" "Can I have some tap water?"
0:20:36 > 0:20:39It's barely restaurant Elf.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Well, I'm impressed.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45So, what, you mean India might like me for who I actually am?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47That I don't need to do this?
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Hey, Albert, you want to hit up some chamomile tea?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- Do I?- You're teaching us history.
0:20:53 > 0:20:58Yeah, that's right. We're learning about the build-up of hostilities prior to the First World War.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Downton Abbey Series One's on my desk.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Shall we?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09One Shitty Cornetto.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Dirty Viennetta?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Damn straight.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Jesus! That honks, man.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Yeah, I'm not sure.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19How do we know if it's safe...?
0:21:19 > 0:21:25Safe? Babe, I've been scooping this shit all day long.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27HE GAGS
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Oh, get in my face.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- Right. Look, Albert... - Alfie.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34..I'm not sure about this shit.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Babe, we're going to have such a sick night.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Just got to ride the wave, man.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42You're just too wild, bro.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Let's just drop it like it's hot.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50HE RETCHES
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- HE VOMITS - Oh, shit, man!
0:21:55 > 0:21:59- I'm sorry.- You chundered on my vintage. Not cool.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01"Sick" and "vintage",
0:22:01 > 0:22:03SINTAGE. It's a mashup.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Oh, my God.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Am I wearing a really tight little hat?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15MUSIC: "I Feel Free" by Cream
0:22:16 > 0:22:21# Feel when I dance with you
0:22:21 > 0:22:25# We move like the sea
0:22:26 > 0:22:28# You
0:22:28 > 0:22:31# You're all I want to know
0:22:32 > 0:22:35# I feel free... #
0:22:37 > 0:22:41# Under the sea Under the sea
0:22:41 > 0:22:43# Darling it's better
0:22:43 > 0:22:45# Down where it's wetter
0:22:45 > 0:22:47# Under the sea... #
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Oh, my God...
0:22:50 > 0:22:52I'm a mermaid!
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- Alfie! - There's a giant prawn...
0:22:59 > 0:23:01I spoke to him in his own fishy language.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Alfie, you might want to come from under there...
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Who's Alfie? My name is Ariel.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09GIGGLING
0:23:11 > 0:23:13DOG BARKS
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Officers, this is Mr Wickers.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20I'd begun to wonder where you'd got to.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Thank you for covering for me.
0:23:21 > 0:23:26OK, kids, who can tell me why Lady Sibyl defied her father
0:23:26 > 0:23:28and eloped with an Irishman?
0:23:28 > 0:23:29"Begorrah, to be sure,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32"I used to be a chauffeur but now I am a class traitor."
0:23:32 > 0:23:34# Diddly dee dee dee dee dee #
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Who trained this dog to walk underwater?
0:23:37 > 0:23:38DOG GROWLS
0:23:40 > 0:23:44It must be the work of this hag, Ursula, the sea witch!
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- Alfie, put the scissors down.- Ow!
0:23:49 > 0:23:52I need to look sexy for Prince Eric.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- Alfie...- Shush, Flounder.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- Please, Sir, not the bra. My parents are coming.- Is he OK?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00No, I don't think he is. I think he's on drugs!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02I've got to get Miss Gulliver!
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Stephen, you need to help me with my hair.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Prince Eric prefers me when I'm auburn.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Sir, stop it!
0:24:10 > 0:24:14And after Maria slew the Cordoba brothers,
0:24:14 > 0:24:18she vowed never again to use her anus
0:24:18 > 0:24:20as a receptacle.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Miss Gulliver, you've got to help!
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Joe, I'm teaching a class here.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Mr Wickers is going mad, Miss.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27I think he's eaten a Dirty Viennetta.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Well, Mr Wickers needs to learn how to look after himself.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32But Pro Green's in there, Miss, and the police!
0:24:32 > 0:24:34He'll lose his job. He could go to prison.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36You know what, Joe? Maybe prison's the best place for him.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39This whole thing with India, it's not about her.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42It's about proving that he's over you, when he obviously isn't.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45You know, after you two kissed last term
0:24:45 > 0:24:49he told us that he had an erection that lasted for six hours and 23 minutes.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52And do you know what? He didn't even...
0:24:52 > 0:24:55deal with it, cos he thought it would cheapen the moment.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Plus, he refused to tell us what your boobs felt like
0:24:57 > 0:25:01- even though you were right up on him...- All right, that's enough! Come on, let's go.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03# Under the sea Under the sea
0:25:03 > 0:25:05# Under the sea. #
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Come on, Alfie. Smile for Daddy.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Why are you photographing him?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13To prove this lost little boy needs a mother.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Now, I think we should take a urine sample.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Officers? I want a full toxicology report.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21No, Ursula! I don't want your potion.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Uh-oh.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28Prince Eric! You've come to save me from my captors.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32Lord Trident forbids our union, but it feels so right.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36- What on earth's going on?!- Mum, Dad, this isn't what it looks like.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38HE GASPS My bra!
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Nobody peek at my mer-bosoms!
0:25:40 > 0:25:42- We're leaving, Stephen. - No, Stephen! Please, sir!
0:25:42 > 0:25:46- I don't want to leave my friends! - Calm down, Princess Ariel!
0:25:46 > 0:25:47But how can I be calm
0:25:47 > 0:25:52when I'm going out with such a sexy little starfish?
0:25:53 > 0:25:55We will conquer your demons
0:25:55 > 0:25:58and restore peace to your watery kingdom,
0:25:58 > 0:26:01if you just sit down on that bit of coral and stop what you're doing.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:26:05 > 0:26:07APPLAUSE
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Mr and Mrs Carmichael, officers, Professor Green,
0:26:16 > 0:26:19erm, I hope you've enjoyed this role-play,
0:26:19 > 0:26:23a radical educational tool pioneered by drug charity Vibesline.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- Role-play?- Mmm.- The man's mad!
0:26:26 > 0:26:31Yes, yes, Mr Wickers is ACTING like a pathetic, grotesque,
0:26:31 > 0:26:33utterly irresponsible little man.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35But those are the consequences of drug abuse.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Well, it's very realistic.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Mmm, and who in this class would ever touch a drug
0:26:40 > 0:26:41after this performance?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I mean, obviously, if, if Alfie WAS high,
0:26:48 > 0:26:53then the deputy head would have to fire him, and call the police
0:26:53 > 0:26:57and explain to his father how she ruined his son's life for ever.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59So it's a good thing that Alfie's acting. Right, Celia?
0:27:01 > 0:27:07The wonderful thing about Mr Wickers is his commitment.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Whatever it takes to engage these pupils.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15I'm so happy here, Dad. Please, let me stay?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Oh, come on, Richard, please?
0:27:24 > 0:27:26OK, I'll think about it.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28THEY CHEER
0:27:28 > 0:27:31P-A-R-T-Y without me?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33How very SHELLFISH of you.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36DOG BARKS
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Ooh, prawns and pigs, eh?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40It's a good job you're not Jewish, Officer...
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Finklestein.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Ursula, call off your sea dogs and let my prawn swim free!
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Argh!
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Show's over, Alfie.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Why didn't you want to come and swim with me?
0:27:55 > 0:27:58The water's so lovely and warm.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Oh, my God.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Sir pissed himself!
0:28:09 > 0:28:10Dad? What are you doing in here?
0:28:10 > 0:28:13- STRAINED:- Oh... Hello, Alfie.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Just having a little sit down.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Can I see you in the car?
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Oh, God! Dad!
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Oh!
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd