0:00:04 > 0:00:08# So kiss me and smile for me
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# Tell me that you'll wait for me
0:00:11 > 0:00:17# Hold me like you'll never let me go... #
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Come on, Smoocher, you know this one!
0:00:19 > 0:00:22# I'm leaving on a jet plane... #
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Oh, Martin, could you go via Boots? I need to get some clean tights.
0:00:25 > 0:00:26Good idea.
0:00:26 > 0:00:32Oh, while you're there, you might like to stock up on C-O-N-D-O-Ms.
0:00:32 > 0:00:33O-K!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Dad! I can spell!
0:00:38 > 0:00:41This programme contains adult humour.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11HE LAUGHS
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Love that guy!
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Who was that randomer?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Our fairy godfather.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23You know how we are in uno poquito di serious financial trouble-io?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25No.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Well, I managed to turn our remaining 20 grand
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- into a cool two million.- Go on?
0:01:31 > 0:01:36That "randomer" is Dr Goodluck Yultide Chuckwu-Akpo-Akpo.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39the Nigerian Minister of Finance.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43- Oh, God.- He wanted a short-term cash loan for the purchase of a contested
0:01:43 > 0:01:47oil field in rural Nigeria, and some medicines for his mother.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50He promised returns of up to 1,000%!
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Oh. Shit.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54That's Fr-Asda price.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Yes!
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Oh, dear, that's the last of the coffee.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08I hope no one minds - I was up all night.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Urgh, God.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Look, I don't want to sound like a broken record, but who's to say
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Dr Chuckwu-Akpo-Akpo won't come good?
0:02:14 > 0:02:17The receipt he gave you was on a Burger King napkin,
0:02:17 > 0:02:19made out to "the big bank in the town".
0:02:19 > 0:02:21He said he was in the same class as Howard from the Halifax
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- at Bank School.- Bank School!?
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Amazing.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Oh, Betty Swallocks!
0:02:26 > 0:02:28So what, Fraser's lost us a bit of money.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30It's not the end of the world.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Not so.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34We have to prove our solvency by Wednesday, otherwise
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Abbey Grove faces closure by default.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Well let's, I don't know, put on a fundraiser?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Oh, that is a good idea.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43We're not a charity case yet, Smoocher.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Don't call me that! And have you got any bright ideas?
0:02:46 > 0:02:50A spare 20 grand tucked away in that bra of yours?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Oh, I don't appear to be wearing one!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Somebody broke the latch with his teeth.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58- For Christ's sake!- Grrr!
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Papa Wickers not the only animal in the family.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03This one's hung like a horse.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04A sea horse.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Ooh, double act. Bant and Dec.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- Kill me.- Hey I've got a fun and really funky idea!
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Why don't all the staff take pay cuts?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15I'm afraid my salary is non-negotiable.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Martin and I are saving up for...
0:03:19 > 0:03:20..something.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Chemical castration, chemical castration.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25The solution to the school's problem is austerity.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28To keep the current salary structure in place,
0:03:28 > 0:03:30we must make swingeing cuts.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32You may have noticed Mrs Westurby's absence.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Mrs Westurby?
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Has she got a mole?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Smells of biscuits?
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Can't have children? Baron von Westurby!
0:03:44 > 0:03:48No, that's Mrs Vanderby. Baron Vanderby.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51I'll stop saying baron now.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Alfie, could you cover Mrs Westurby's biology class?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59I can barely teach history.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Urgh, fine.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03How are you going to be helping?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I'm going to shut down the library.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I've got it. The art block, they've got a Henry Moore!
0:04:09 > 0:04:11That must be worth loads. We could sell it?
0:04:11 > 0:04:12Had.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19They had a Henry Moore. I might have swapped it.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21You swapped it?
0:04:21 > 0:04:22What for?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27HE MAKES LIGHTSABER NOISES
0:04:27 > 0:04:31It was one of only 30 used on the set of Phantom Menace.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33It belonged to Senator Palpatine!
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Why are you all wearing your coats?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Cos your mum turned off the heating.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Professor Green is not my mum.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48She banged your dad. She's your mum.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50You must have a lot of dads then.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Sir, I'm freezing. Will you share your body heat with me?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- No.- Why is there no heating?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58If you must know, the school is having some financial problems.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59Why don't you sell your organs, sir?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01I heard the Queen's hamster needs a new cock.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- LAUGHTER - Guys! Please!
0:05:04 > 0:05:07You do realise, if Abbey Grove shuts down
0:05:07 > 0:05:09you'll all have to go to St Edwards!
0:05:09 > 0:05:10THEY GASP
0:05:10 > 0:05:12The only school below us on the league table!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15If I go to St Edwards, the only theatre I'll end up in
0:05:15 > 0:05:16is an operating one.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19St Edwards is not that bad, babe. Dean Gaffney went there.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Dean Gaffney? We need to raise some money!
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I could do a kiss-and-tell, sir, on this guy I'm seeing.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Yeah, with the best will in the world, Chantelle, I doubt that
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Haroun from WH Smith is going to sell that many papers
0:05:30 > 0:05:32apart from the ones that he literally sells.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35What if you take that condom you've got in your wallet to the Antiques Road Show?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Right, is it too much to ask to have a serious suggestion?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- I've got one.- Thank you, Rem Dogg.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Sperm banks offer 60 quid for a small pot.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46We pump Mitchell's mum's stomach - a grand, easy.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Oh, my God, that is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51What about this? HE FARTS
0:05:51 > 0:05:52ALL: Urgh!
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Guys, can you be serious? Do you want to go to another school?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Stephen's dad's a banker. He could help us.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Babes, he's a cashier at NatWest.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02What about two of us going to work in a casino,
0:06:02 > 0:06:03mapping out their security procedures,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06these guys can dress up in disguises and earn the trust of the owner,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09then Jing can do some crazy circus shit in a room full of lasers.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12We're not going to re-enact the plot of Ocean's Eleven, Mitchell!
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- Ocean's Twelve?- No. - Ocean's Thirteen?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- You're not really understanding the problem here.- Ocean's Fourteen?
0:06:17 > 0:06:18It doesn't even exist!
0:06:21 > 0:06:25Hey! Pro Green's got me teaching biology.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Said you had some stuff for me, but then I thought...
0:06:28 > 0:06:31what does everyone love? Sea-Monkeys!
0:06:31 > 0:06:32This isn't a primary school.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Alfie, if I tell you something,
0:06:36 > 0:06:38do you promise that you won't overreact?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40When have I ever overreacted?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I've applied for a job at a school in Soweto.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47HE MAKES A LOW SCREECHING SOUND
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Why are you doing this to me?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57HE HYPERVENTILATES
0:06:59 > 0:07:00- OK?- Yeah.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Good.
0:07:01 > 0:07:07Alf, I love this school, but I need a change in my life.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Grow a fringe! Try zumba!
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Try heroin!
0:07:11 > 0:07:14But I could do some good in Soweto.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Instead of being stuck here in Abbey Grove,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19lurching from disaster to disaster.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21But what about us?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Our will-they-won't-they is the glue that binds this school together.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Please don't go, Rosie,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29you're the only person on the staff that I like.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33You can't leave me here with Pro Green and Anakin Skywanker.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35The school needs you.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37I need you.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Well, I mean, I've only just applied, so...
0:07:43 > 0:07:44let's see what happens. Yeah?
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- Here you go.- Frogs!- Yeah.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Oh, my God, this one's not moving!
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Maybe it's asleep.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57They're all dead. Your class are dissecting them.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Urgh! Sure I can't just do Sea-Monkeys?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Give that about a day and it'll be the Discovery Channel in a glass.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Off you go, Alfie.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Where do you want these, Pro Green?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Next to the other sale items.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- We're putting them on "the eBay". - It's "eBay".
0:08:35 > 0:08:37You can't sell our books!
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Yeah - what are the sad, lonely kids going to read
0:08:39 > 0:08:42whilst everyone else is out in the playground having fun?
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Desperate times, Mr Wickers.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45You could sell that.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Or let me take a hammer to it.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Why should I suffer for the school's profligacy?
0:08:49 > 0:08:54Now, I need you two to prevail upon the kitchen staff to work for free.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- Why do we have to do that? - We're all in this together.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- I just think that...- Ah-ah!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03We're all in this together.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04That will be all.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09All right, whatever. Let's go and give Mrs Patmore her P45.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Mr Wickers, arretez-vous, si'l vous plait.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Stay behind, please?
0:09:16 > 0:09:21Now, as you know, your father and I are courting.
0:09:21 > 0:09:27- Courting?- Marty-Bear is a wonderful, caring, passionate man.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31He, you, and I are a little family now.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32What do you want?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35We'd like you to call me "Mummy".
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Is something the matter?
0:09:41 > 0:09:46I am looking at the most disgusting thing I have ever seen.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Oh, no - now I am.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Trust me, I've got this.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Are you sure?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Er, yeah, I'm a people person.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Yo! Kitchen goblins!
0:10:02 > 0:10:05I'm just here to tell you how much of a vital part
0:10:05 > 0:10:08of the Abbey Grove machine you guys are.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Yeah, maybe sometimes you don't get the credit you deserve
0:10:11 > 0:10:13and you're a bit funny-looking,
0:10:13 > 0:10:17but you're like Niall from One Direction - without you
0:10:17 > 0:10:18there isn't a band!
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Ah, and we go back a bit, don't we?
0:10:22 > 0:10:26This guy, right, has got some of the best banter in the school, hey?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29And a dab hand with the ladies! Player!
0:10:29 > 0:10:33And my mate here, Iggy Pop. This guy, right, is...
0:10:33 > 0:10:37One of the nicest WOMEN I've ever worked with.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Oh, yep!
0:10:40 > 0:10:46And my brother from another mother, old...Little Chef.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Look, we could reminisce about the old days until the cows come home.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53But I'm here to tell you that Abbey Grove has gone bust,
0:10:53 > 0:10:57so we were wondering whether you guys would be willing to do
0:10:57 > 0:11:01"yo tang" on a sort of volunteer basis?
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Unpaid.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09That's cool, take five, have a think about it.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10DOOR SLAMS SHUT
0:11:10 > 0:11:12I knew it. Didn't I say,
0:11:12 > 0:11:15if there was one person we could rely on, it's old...
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- it's....- Gladys.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19Gladys.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Gladys, with the hearing aids.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27I remember now.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29She hasn't heard a word.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31It looks like Pro Green's sold all the food.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33What are we going to feed the kids now?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- What's this?- We did a whip-round, sir. That's all our pocket money.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Guys, I've been over this with you.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54As much as I'd like to, I can't buy you booze again.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57No, Alfie, the money's for saving Abbey Grove.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- We know it's not much, but... - We don't want to leave, sir.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Even though this school's got shit wheelchair access.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05And fewer GCSEs than a Premier League football team.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08It's a dump, but it's my dump.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11You know what it's like with your own brew, sir. I like the smell.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Some beautiful words there, Mitchell.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Guys, you've been so generous,
0:12:20 > 0:12:21but I can't accept this.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25There must be a better way.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29- Ocean's Fifteen?- Really?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- What are you doing? - Buttering the corridor.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Look, I really think we need to do a fundraiser.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Alf, listen, we just simply don't have the time.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Mitchell's dad owns a funfair. He could easily lend us some stalls.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Unless I can pay them off in two days' time,
0:12:50 > 0:12:52the bank are gonna pop a cap in the back of my ass.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55I don't really care about your ass, I care about this school.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Calm down, dear! This is going to send people flying.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01All we have to do is sit back,
0:13:01 > 0:13:04capture the comedy Kerrie Gold, cash said gold,
0:13:04 > 0:13:09vis-a-vis a £250 cheque from You've Been Framed and we're in Clover.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10B-utter genius.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Right, are there any other butter puns you just want to get out of your system now?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16I'll Lurpak it in.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Look, the only problem with your genius plan, there's no-one here!
0:13:19 > 0:13:20Everyone's in class.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Ah, no - I told Reggie Blinker that his dad's had another heart attack.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25Lols!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Any minute now.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Ha-haa! Woo-hoo!
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Did you see that? ROFLcopter.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Does anyone care about this school?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Ah, I forgot to press record.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42Butter-fingers.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Reggie, do you think you've got another one in you?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53What are you doing?
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Oh, Alfie, hi.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Um, listen, they've offered me the job...
0:14:00 > 0:14:02..and I've decided...
0:14:02 > 0:14:04That, in the cold light of day, your hair-brained idea
0:14:04 > 0:14:07to start a new life in Soweto is totally and utterly absurd?
0:14:07 > 0:14:08To accept.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11But you can't!
0:14:11 > 0:14:12Why not?
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Soweto sounds great.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15But I need you!
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Look, there's something I have to tell you.
0:14:22 > 0:14:27Something that maybe before I didn't realise.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32Yeah, sure, back then I was just a silly little boy...
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- Mmm.- But I've changed.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- Rosie?- Yes.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43I'm...
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I'm an alcoholic.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49There, I said it. I'm drinking a bottle of whisky for breakfast.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53I'm a player with a deadly addiction to hooch and cooch.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Stay with me, Rosie! Please don't let me end up like Georgie.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59You're not like George Best, Alfie. You barely drink.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03- Er, yes I do.- Last year, you got hung over from some cherry liqueurs.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07They were extremely potent. Anyway, right now I'm off the bloody rails.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I only came in here because I'm looking for ethanol.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12I'd drink bloody anything.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Not the SeaMonkeys!
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Oh, my God!
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Ooh. (BURPS)
0:15:23 > 0:15:25I've made my tummy pregnant.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Whoa!
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- Where do you think you're going with that?- Cash Converters.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42How the hell am I meant to teach without a television?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45We need to make swingeing cuts.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Stop saying swingeing.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49It is the most annoying word I have ever heard.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Boys, could you collect Mr Wickers' video library.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55You can take our electricity, you can take our television,
0:15:55 > 0:15:57but you can never take our...
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Braveheart, director's cut! Please let me keep this?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Everything must go.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06Alfie, you must see you're the obvious candidate for redundancy.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I'm trying to protect you.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Au revoir, les enfants.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Please, boys, it doesn't have to be like this!
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Bullshit!
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I'm getting my TV back, I'm getting my DVDs back,
0:16:21 > 0:16:24and I'm stopping Miss Gulliver from going to Soweto.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26We are doing a fundraiser!
0:16:26 > 0:16:30And it is going to be like Live Aid and Band Aid all rolled into one,
0:16:30 > 0:16:34except this time we are stopping things from going to Africa.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37But how are you going to convince Fraser to give you permission?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Alf, I've told you it's just not possible.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44We simply don't have the time or the resources.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Your band can play at the fundraiser.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49So what time shall we open the doors?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- Here, go on, sir, test it out. - All right.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Shit.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Sorry, Mr Harper.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23SPEAKS IN INDISTINGUISHABLE IRISH
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Ha?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28So, 50/50 on all profits?
0:17:28 > 0:17:31HE SHOUTS
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Right.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Couldn't agree more.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35- You all right, Dad?- Mm.
0:17:35 > 0:17:41Alf, I am so impressed that you've got all of this together in time.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Ah, you know, it's not just me.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Everyone's doing their bit, especially Mitchell's dad here.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Yes, Fergal. There is no "I" in team.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Oh, I had quite a silly idea.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56At university, we did a man auction -
0:17:56 > 0:17:59we bought the rugby team as slaves for a day.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Pinch me!
0:18:02 > 0:18:04We could sell the teachers here!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06You could put yourself up for sale.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Who'd want to buy me?
0:18:08 > 0:18:09I might.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11He's not for sale.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17I mean, how does she even hear that far?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Fundraiser to save our school!
0:18:23 > 0:18:25What a pickle.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28You know, after my divorce, I travelled to India.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31I saw a beggar boy there.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33His little legs didn't work
0:18:33 > 0:18:36and he was dragging himself along on a cart, begging.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Well, don't beat yourself up about it. Everyone regrets their rebound.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46My point is, at least his sob story made him some money.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48What is your problem with me?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51I remind you that my Dad loved somebody else.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53You're being ridiculous.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56You are just his beggar boy rebound.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Why, howdy partners!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Look at you two, thick as thieves.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Hi, Dad. I love you.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Whoa, what's got into you?
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Come on, Marty Bear. Win me a teddy.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13All righty then. Must dash, Alf pal.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Bit fanny-whipped!
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Sob story! Get me Rem Dogg now!
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Excuse me, fundraiser to send a little boy to Florida
0:19:28 > 0:19:29for life-saving surgery.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Please help me, mate. My brain's all shit.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05HE PLAYS OUT-OF-TUNE NOTES
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Um, talk me through this band.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Well, we started out as a tribute act, but we were treading water
0:20:10 > 0:20:14so I decided to Mumford us up a bit, you know, heartfelt summery anthems,
0:20:14 > 0:20:16reclaiming the banjo from rapey American farmers.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19So you're a Mumford and Sons tribute act?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Well, sort of. The problem is, the lead singer, Donald,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24he's quite set in his ways with the whole Slipknot vibe.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26So the band is called?
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Knotslip and Sons.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- Does that mash-up work?- Yes.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32HE TWANGS SOME STRINGS
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Perfecto.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41# I came home, and I saw you
0:20:41 > 0:20:45# You were waiting, waiting for me
0:20:45 > 0:20:49# In the sun, there you were
0:20:49 > 0:20:53# Arms were open, wide as the sea
0:20:53 > 0:20:57# I fell to my knees, as if to pray
0:20:57 > 0:21:02# You opened your sweet mouth This to say
0:21:05 > 0:21:08# Crawling in the shit! The devil is your dildo!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11# Feed me to the worms! I'll burn all you bastard-whores!
0:21:17 > 0:21:22# Thank you, Jesus for this glorious day. #
0:21:27 > 0:21:28A grand? Is that it?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31You tried your best. I'm still proud of you, Alf.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34What good's that? You're still not going to stay at Abbey Grove.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36We've still got Gladys's car wash.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38# Lick it now, lick it good
0:21:38 > 0:21:41# Lick it just like you should
0:21:41 > 0:21:43# Right now, lick it good
0:21:43 > 0:21:45# Lick it just like you should
0:21:45 > 0:21:48# My neck, my back, lick my ah! #
0:21:48 > 0:21:53I don't think Gladys's milkshake is bringing too many boys to the yard.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55What about the man auction?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57We're 19 grand short, dipshit.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Going once, going twice...
0:22:00 > 0:22:02sold to Mrs Carmichael!
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Now, our next slave for a day is a bit of a catch.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12It's Mr Fraser!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Hi, ladies. I'm up for anything.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Cooking, cleaning, foot rubs - giving or receiving.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18Actually, not receiving.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21I've got a pretty nuclear crop of bunions at the moment.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Shall we start the bidding at £50?
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- Yes!- Oh, £50 from Mrs Welsh.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30- £60 from Gladys.- (Oh, tits!)
0:22:32 > 0:22:35- £70 from Mrs Welsh.- Go on.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39£80, Gladys, with you. Can I get £100?
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Oh, £100 from Gladys, going once...
0:22:43 > 0:22:46This is ridiculous, she can't even hear.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- Going twice. - But we're not even paying her!
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Sold to Gladys for £100!
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Amazing!
0:22:54 > 0:22:59Our next slave for the day is a very, very special man,
0:22:59 > 0:23:01um, sorry...
0:23:01 > 0:23:04He's just done so much to make today happen.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I know we may have not raised enough to keep this school going,
0:23:07 > 0:23:12but Mr Wickers, he exemplifies everything that I will miss
0:23:12 > 0:23:14about Abbey Grove.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17I know it's unconventional,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19but I'd quite like to start the bidding myself.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21£50 for Alfie.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23- £60.- 70.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25£80!
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- 100.- £200!
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Don't worry, girls, you can share me.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32OK, but she's not kissing your mouth.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35This gentleman would like to make a bid on behalf of his employer.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37I'll match whatever he bids.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43I don't think you will, Miss Gulliver. The bid is for £25,000.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46EVERYONE GASPS What?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48That's enough to save the school!
0:23:48 > 0:23:52Well, I can't match that. Chantelle?
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Wait, is this a wind-up?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Going once, going twice,
0:23:58 > 0:24:00sold, to the mystery bidder!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02CHEERING
0:24:11 > 0:24:13We did it. We did it!
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Who'd spend all that money on me?
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Well, whoever it is, they've saved the school.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25And seeing as Abbey Grove's going to be OK, I think, maybe...
0:24:25 > 0:24:27What?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I'm not going to South Africa, Alf.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33You said yourself that the school needs me and you need me,
0:24:33 > 0:24:36but I've come to realise that I need the school, and...
0:24:39 > 0:24:42I also need...
0:24:42 > 0:24:45No, no. We made this mistake last term.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Oh, yeah, you're right. We should just be friends.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53No, I meant kissing in front of the kids.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54(Come with me.)
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Oh, Dad!
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Jesus!
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Alf!
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Oh, Christ, er, er... Celia had the hiccups.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15I was trying to scare her by giving her the willies.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Stop doing this!
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Now calm down, Smoocher.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Martin, you must tell him.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Er, Celia and I, er...
0:25:24 > 0:25:28She mentioned that you may have seen an invitation?
0:25:28 > 0:25:29What invitation?
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Oh, God, yes, sorry - how could I forget?
0:25:34 > 0:25:39Well, it's an invitation to a very special occasion.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42We're getting married!
0:25:42 > 0:25:46Dad, what the hell? You are marrying this stupid hobbit woman?
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Oh, Alf, I love this hobbit woman.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Could we stop saying hobbit woman?
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Sorry, darling.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Alf, we're going to be a family again.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Come here, Smoocher. Hug Mummy.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Alfie, come back! Alfie!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14I know I should be pretty annoyed
0:26:14 > 0:26:18but at least Pro Green makes my dad happy.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20I'm happy too.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Ahem!
0:26:22 > 0:26:24What, Jing?
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Sir, the anonymous bidder says that you have to leave immediately,
0:26:28 > 0:26:29otherwise the deal is off.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36You'll be here when I get back, right?
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Of course I will.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Pickwell!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12You bought me?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Oh, yes, Mr Wickers.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18But...last time I saw you, you were penniless!
0:27:18 > 0:27:24Mm. Well, you remember my German consort, the Beast of Bergandorf?
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Sadly the old man died last month,
0:27:26 > 0:27:30leaving me all the gold he'd stashed in Switzerland.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Hence, my little splurge on you.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37What can you possibly do with me that's worth £25,000?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Oh, you have no idea.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Let the games begin.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48A saddle?!
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Drive on, Mephisto.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd