0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:08 > 0:00:11It's summer term, bitches!
0:00:11 > 0:00:12THEY WHOOP
0:00:12 > 0:00:15- Rem Dogg, are you in drag? - He's gone emo.
0:00:15 > 0:00:16Oh, God!
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Now, how did the holiday reading go, guys?
0:00:19 > 0:00:21What? I gave you Game Of Thrones.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Why would we read a book and ruin the fiercest TV show ever?
0:00:24 > 0:00:26And it's not on the history syllabus.
0:00:26 > 0:00:31Well, it should be. It's basically the Tudors with dragons and tits.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Ooh!
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Ying, it would appear that you've forgotten to do the register.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39"Once you enable me, you negate me." Kierkegaard.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Oh, wait a sec.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Hollow eyes, black polo neck -
0:00:43 > 0:00:47I believe Ying is having a little teenage existential crisis!
0:00:47 > 0:00:50- You don't understand.- Oh, I do.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52My friend Atticus Hoy did this on our leavers' trip to Normandy -
0:00:52 > 0:00:54read a book by a Frenchman,
0:00:54 > 0:00:57ended up head-butting a horse just for the feeling.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- Which book? - SHE LISTS FRENCH TITLES
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Asterix.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Right, enough with the doom and gloom.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Krispy Kremes for one and all.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Chantelle, I have prepared ripostes for cream fillings,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11sticky rings and glazed muffin tops.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I'm busy.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Good! Well, that's the spirit. Exam term, guys.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Oh, God! He's in a hat. Let's get this over with.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26- HE GASPS - He's doing a Britney!
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Are you ill or racist?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30I kept getting nits.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Mum said this was the only way. It's awful.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35It's not awful. I prefer it shaved.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- I'll take note of that. - I thought you were working.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40- Couldn't resist.- It's all right, babe. Have a doughnut.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43I can't. I'm on a vegan diet.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Guys, have you been kidnapped by puberty?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49You've all...changed.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51W-W-Willy wanker.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Right, my dad's just nicked an iPad
0:01:53 > 0:01:55so he's chucking out all his old porn. Who wants what?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Sweet Mitchell.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59My rock.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30What's this lame-ass meeting about?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Fraser wants us to meet the new deputy head.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Hey, for our flat, why don't we get a foosball table?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Because we're not a student union.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39It'll be romantic.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42As an idea, I'm ranking this alongside the hot tub
0:02:42 > 0:02:45or that Michael Buble doorbell.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Fine. We won't buy a foosball table!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49I haven't bought a foosball table!
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Oh, I don't want to be a killjoy, Alfie, but we've got bigger priorities.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54The flat is a complete mess.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Talking of a complete mess, you know my dad?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- Yes!- You know the way that he married a witch called Pro Green
0:03:00 > 0:03:03who ran off with all of his money and now he's sleeping in his car?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05- How do you feel about him living with us?- No!
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I mean... I mean, no.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10No, because your dad should pick himself up
0:03:10 > 0:03:12and dust himself down,
0:03:12 > 0:03:14definitely change his clothes,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17and then find himself a new job.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18A job? My dad?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21He spends his days drinking alone in Wetherspoons
0:03:21 > 0:03:24and his nights moving from lay-by to lay-by trying not to get wanked on.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28He's a train wreck - totally unemployable.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Meet our new deputy head.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Dad! Fraser, are you mad?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Insania. You like the Andre?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Roomies! How about movie night tonight?
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- You, me, Octopussy and a keg of Bishops Finger.- Oh!
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Did you already tell him he could live with us?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Um, no. He's probably been...
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Alf, what's the US Military motto?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Don't ask, don't tell?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50No, that was the BBC's in the 1970s.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53It's, "Never leave a man behind," and Pro Green left this man for dead.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57What? No, sorry. He can't be my boss - he's my dad!
0:03:57 > 0:03:59In here I'm your colleague, not your dad.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Trust me, Mr Wickers, our relationship won't affect
0:04:01 > 0:04:03the work environment one iota.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05This is SO cringe!
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Smoocher can't handle stress.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- Hm?- One birthday, at Studham Adventure Playground
0:04:09 > 0:04:12he lost his nerve on the zip wire.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Wet himself above some picnickers.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Ruined his 18th.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18How is this happening?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Thank you, Mr Fraser!
0:04:20 > 0:04:26And thank you, everyone who's here. Fornication as magical as today.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Cool, budge up - there's a new banterlope at the watering hole.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31This school is in financial dire straits.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34It's in need of money for nothing.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Oh! That's good!
0:04:36 > 0:04:39What about the fundraiser - the teachers' auction?
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Yeah, I've raised 20 grand.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43I'm afraid it was poorly invested.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47I may have launched a clothing range.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Dodgy and Gebanter.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56We've taken on extra pupils to secure more funding
0:04:56 > 0:04:57but it's not enough.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Regretfully, we're going have to lose a member of staff.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04- MUTTERS OF PROTEST - Everyone is on redundancy review,
0:05:04 > 0:05:06- from Mr Fraser downwards. - Yes. Sorry, what?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09The school can't just sack a member of staff.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11I'll handle this, compadre. Rosie...
0:05:13 > 0:05:17..er, I'm sure, as a woman, you were a huge fan of Mrs Thatcher.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- Oh, God.- Martin did everything he could, Miss G.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I even looked into pawning my car.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Don't sell the car!
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Then I'm afraid the worst-performing teacher is for the chop.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28You won't get away with this.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30We are teachers.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33United we stand, divided we fall!
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- Yes!- Hear, hear! - Yeah. What she said.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Ooh, just a quick one.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Would the school be able to by a foosball table off me?
0:05:42 > 0:05:43A foosball table?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47No.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Feel it, Chantelle. So smooth! Did you Veet it?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Love, you can't just pitch up and dump your shit on me property.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- Gypsy king's changed his tune. - Shut up your noise.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Whoa! Let's just calm down.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Sir, she's disrupting the class.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Well, that's the pot calling the kettle bla...
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Go on, then, I dare you.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Bl...
0:06:13 > 0:06:17A similar colour to itself. Huh, oh.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18And you are?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- Cleopatra. - Ooh, Cleopatra, coming atcha.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Fuck off, Burglar Bill!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Good, we'll put that one down to first-day nerves.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- She's got a tongue on her. - What you say, Little Miss Gel Pen?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- Which skip did you find that weave in?- Bitch!- Bin dipper!
0:06:32 > 0:06:33Guys! Please be quiet.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35- Don't touch my shit, yeah? - What are you going to do about it?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37OK. Can we just sit down and be quiet, please?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- Touch my shit, I will end you! - Split end you.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- THEY CHANT: Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!- Guys!
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!
0:06:46 > 0:06:49OK, unless you sit down and shut up immediately,
0:06:49 > 0:06:52I will write down on the board the name of a character
0:06:52 > 0:06:54who dies in Game Of Thrones season five.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- THEY GASP - Wouldn't dare.- Wouldn't I?
0:06:57 > 0:06:58- Give that back to me! - Oi, get off!
0:06:58 > 0:06:59Right, R...
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Aargh!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Oh, you silly prick!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- A...- Ah! Oh, my God!
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Martin Wickers, stop right there.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15What the Charlie Dickens is that?
0:07:15 > 0:07:19The solution to all our money problems. Behold the SegDesk.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21It's pending patent approval but trust me -
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I'm standing on the next Dyson.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Wonders never cease. Maybe you should give up this teaching lark
0:07:26 > 0:07:28and become a full-time bona-fide inventor.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30You know what? Maybe I sh...
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Hang on, I know what you're trying to do you, sly old shit.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Guilty as charged, m'lud.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Anyway, sadly there's only one very obvious candidate for redundancy.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42And he came from in your balls!
0:07:42 > 0:07:44He gosh-darn did.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Yep, the school governors want me to saddle up my ass
0:07:48 > 0:07:50and sacrifice my only son.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53I just pray Alfie can keep that class under control.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- CLEOPATRA:- Man, what's wrong with you? Hold him still.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Fraser. Father.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Ready for your appraisal, Smoocher?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Yep, just as soon as I've washed the word "twat" off my forehead.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Yep, that should do it.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Dad, you do realise, if you fire me I won't be able to pay my rent.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20You'll be homeless and back in that smelly car.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24Which is why it's important that you stay focused.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Right, um, Mr Wickers, what's your biggest weakness?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Honestly?
0:08:30 > 0:08:35This is a safe space. Please, truthfully, your biggest weakness?
0:08:35 > 0:08:36Truthfully?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Probably poppers.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- HE SNIFFS AND MIMICS EXPLOSION - Every time.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Miss Gulliver, your biggest weakness?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Nothing?
0:08:48 > 0:08:49What's unique about you?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51I'm completely blind in one eye.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Yep, absolutely no depth of vision.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56GLASS SMASHES The answer is, of course, my unique sense of humour
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- and with that, my work here is done. - Mr Fraser, can you sit back down?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Yes, siree-bob.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03What's your greatest achievement?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Nearly had a threesome on holiday.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Oh, yes, you've rather lost touch with Atticus Hoy and his brother.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10No! I meant on my gap year.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15My biggest regret? Mm.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I used to say the N word at least a hundred times a day.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21"N-word this, N-word that." It was a real buzz-kill.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24And then one day, I vowed never again to say the word N-O.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- The N word is "no"?- Yep!
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Since then, everyone at Abbey Grove has been forbidden from ever
0:09:29 > 0:09:31saying the word "no" to anything.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Except all of the girls.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Oh, come on, Rosie.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39What's been your proudest moment as a teacher?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41This!
0:09:46 > 0:09:48- Describe yourself in one word. - Succeedophile.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- Sorry?- You heard me right, madame.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I am a massive, unrepentant succeedophile.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55You'd better put me on the goddamn register, sister, cos I will reoffend.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58At succeeding.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00What's your greatest ambition?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Pfft!
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Probably another threesome.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Let's rein in the honesty a tad, shall we?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Maybe your ambition is to get some of your pupils into Oxbridge.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Ha! Oxbridge!
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Never going to happen.
0:10:12 > 0:10:17Very good, Alf, but, er, there's actually nothing wrong with Form K.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18I believe there have been tests.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Many, many tests.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24And there may be some people who believe the problem lies elsewhere
0:10:24 > 0:10:28and they're saying that you're feckless, childish and incompetent.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32I'm not feckless! I've got loads of feck!
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I'm a fecking motherfecker!
0:10:34 > 0:10:37So why don't you three just back the feck off!
0:10:37 > 0:10:38You're not helping yourself.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Wait! You WANT to fire me!
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Of course I don't want to fire you
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- but you're leaving me with no choice.- I'm your son!
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Not at school, Mr Wickers. We're colleagues.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50For now.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Et tu, Father!
0:10:54 > 0:10:56The teachers of Abbey Grove are on strike.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00We will not return to work until you promise job security
0:11:00 > 0:11:02for every single member of staff!
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Alfie, don't go with her - stay and fight for your job.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Whose side are you on, Alfie?
0:11:08 > 0:11:10He's always been confused about which side he's on.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13One minute he's holding hands with Alice Plemons,
0:11:13 > 0:11:16the next I catch him ramming Pogs up Atticus Hoy's...
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Right! To the barricades!
0:11:17 > 0:11:20# Do you hear the people sing
0:11:20 > 0:11:22# Singing a song of angry men?
0:11:22 > 0:11:28# It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again
0:11:28 > 0:11:31# When the... # MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:11:31 > 0:11:32Just a quick one.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Teachers still get paid on strike, right?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38# When the beating of your heart
0:11:38 > 0:11:41# Echoes the beating of the drums
0:11:41 > 0:11:46# There is a life about to start when tomorrow comes. #
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Teachers united!
0:11:52 > 0:11:55This strike is not about individuals.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59This strike is for every teacher that has ever been sacked
0:11:59 > 0:12:01by their own father.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05This strike is about drawing a line in the sand,
0:12:05 > 0:12:07standing up to the man and saying "no"!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Yes, sir. THEY CHEER
0:12:12 > 0:12:14You sure this is all right, mate?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- HE SIGHS - God!
0:12:18 > 0:12:22I haven't held a placard in my hand since I ran for student president.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- Really? You?- Yeah, I guess you could say back at school
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I had something of the politician in me.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29- Did you get bummed by George Osborne?- Dah!
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Served another zinger.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32What? Cos all black people work at KFC?
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Is that what you're saying, Clarkson?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37No, er, not at all,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39a lot of my best friends are...
0:12:39 > 0:12:42work in KFC.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43Look, sir!
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Come on!
0:12:46 > 0:12:48It's my one-man Les Mis all over again.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Er, Joe, maybe lose the flag -
0:12:50 > 0:12:52it makes you look a little bit National Fronty.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55I'm already sorting out the press. Joe's my PA.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57I've spoken to a man from the Watford Guardian.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58I want the nationals, babe.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01I'm offering the Mail Online photos of Chantelle in a bikini.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Stephen, she's 16.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05No, you're right, she's probably a bit old for the Sidebar of Shame.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09You know what would really grab their attention? A hunger strike.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Joe, you know the way you're on this vegan diet, which...
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Isn't working. I miss bacon so much.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Cheer up, Uncle Fester. Soon you'll be skinny enough to buy your clothes from Jacamo.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21At least he don't get his threads from ASDA.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- Your mum get staff discount? - She don't work at ASDA.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25How she get a staff discount? Sucked off George?
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- Guys! - Don't worry! Not YOUR George!
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Thanks. Er, look, Joe, my dad says that I'm a bad teacher
0:13:32 > 0:13:35but who's going to look bad when doctors are force-feeding you
0:13:35 > 0:13:37through a tube because you love me so much?
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Alfie, is this strike just about getting revenge on your dad?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- HE TUTS - No. A hunger strike's win-win, mate.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46The governors will cave the minute you start losing weight.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- How long will that be? I'm going Tenerife next Christmas. - Listen, guys.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Actions speak louder than words, Joe!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Rosa Parks, Tiananmen Square.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Protesting the war in Vietnam, a monk set himself on fire.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Oh, good idea. I'll get the petrol - we've already got a monk.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Idiot!
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Ah, thank God for Ying. Always thinking.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09What if we light a real fire under my dad's ass?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Old health and safety's here to save the day.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- I was thinking of throwing them off the roof.- You've changed.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17"I rebel, therefore I exist." Camus.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- Anyone else finding that a bit annoying?- Yep.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23I've got to go find Miss Gulliver - we're drawing up a list of demands.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- Beer at lunch!- Unbelievable!
0:14:27 > 0:14:28The reporter's here!
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Tits and teeth.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35So, er, why'd you get expelled from your last school?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- I kidnapped a teacher.- Really?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40No, you salad! I'm not a psycho.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Called in a bomb threat to get out of some long division.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Amazing.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Pick up your lip.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Someone's in love!
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Oh, shit, maybe I am.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Bollocks!
0:14:58 > 0:15:00You've taken a vow of silence?
0:15:02 > 0:15:06OK, just let me know, by the way, if you don't want that foosball table.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Seriously, just say the word.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11We're drawing up a list of demands.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14We demand safe pensions.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Job security.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16No more homework.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I'm a lover, not a fighter, babe.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Like Ghandi.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Oh, totes. David Gandy's always been an inspiration.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28Those abs - like a cobbled street. Wouldn't want to walk down them in a wedged heel.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33That man with the nappy? Eww!
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Oi, Dickers.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45I need your advice. I think I like Cleo - she's an absolute weldy.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Really? I thought you and her had beef.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Yeah, I... instantly regret using that word.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54No, I think I, like, LIKE-HER like her.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55She thinks I'm a tool.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Well, I mean, you kind of are.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Look, mate, men like me and you -
0:15:58 > 0:16:00we're never going to be able to get girls with our looks.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02What do you mean, men like me and you?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04I'm an absolute baller, mate, a nine out of ten.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06You look like a Topshop Peter Sutcliffe.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Right. I mean, do you want my help?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Our only option is to make girls laugh. Women love a sense of humour.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Oh, I get it, I've got to laugh her into...
0:16:14 > 0:16:15A corner, yeah.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Laugh her straight into an impulsive flat-share
0:16:18 > 0:16:20that binds her to you financially.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21CAR HORN HONKS
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Code red! They're sending in supply teachers!
0:16:26 > 0:16:29THEY CHANT ANGRILY
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Look at them - it's like the army of the unsullied invaded M&S.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35What's wrong with supply teachers?
0:16:35 > 0:16:36Well, put it this way -
0:16:36 > 0:16:38even I can get a permanent placement.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- TEACHERS SHOUT - Scab!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Oh, my God! All we need is Julie Walters and it's Billy Elliott! Scab!
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Right, that's it, I'm taking this to the next level!
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Dirty protest.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52What? No!
0:16:52 > 0:16:55I'm going to hit my dad where it hurts.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- His car.- Shit on his car!
0:16:57 > 0:16:59- No, there's no shit.- Oh.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03MUSIC: Children Of The Revolution by T-Rex
0:17:13 > 0:17:16# Well, you can bump and grind
0:17:17 > 0:17:19# And it's good for your mind
0:17:21 > 0:17:23# Well, you can twist and shout
0:17:24 > 0:17:26# Let it all hang out
0:17:26 > 0:17:31# But you won't fool the children of the revolution
0:17:31 > 0:17:36# No, you won't fool the children of the revolution
0:17:36 > 0:17:39# Na-na, no
0:17:45 > 0:17:46# Wow! #
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Dickers, you been sniffing glue?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Shut up! What is all of this?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55It's meant to be a strike, not a festival.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57If we're here for the long haul, might as well have a laugh.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Tomato? I'm going to pelt the supply teachers.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Old school, slapstick! Cleo might like it.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04- CLEO SCOFFS - Salad for the salad.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Oi, Kelly Osbourne,
0:18:07 > 0:18:10want to see a couple of turnips that look like your mum's bollocks?
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Can I have a tomato?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15No, Joe, you're on hunger strike.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- I'm so hungry. - You're doing great, mate.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21And remember, when everyone else is tucking into that delicious hog roast,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24you, my friend, are going to be occupying the moral high ground.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Hog roast?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- Why, God? - HE SIGHS
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Joe!
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Look what those journo bastards did, sir!
0:18:35 > 0:18:37I told them not to print my left side.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I said, "Front on or three-quarter profile."
0:18:40 > 0:18:42They've given me fat neck!
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Sorry... did you say all of these things?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47I thought it was an interview, not a bloody quiz.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Mein Kampf was the name of John Barrowman's autobiography.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53You thought that Hitler's first name was Heil.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Heil Hitler.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57That Hezbollah and Hamas were chips and dips.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Well, they sound yummy.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02When asked who said, "I have a dream," you responded...
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Westlife.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06I know, I know, that one was dumb.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Originally, it was ABBA.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- Maybe we ARE stupid, sir. - No, don't worry, Chantelle.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13It's just some stupid journalist trying to spin a story out of nothing.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18Is it? Miss Gulliver's class are revising. We're just pissing around.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Oi, who's nicked my porn?
0:19:21 > 0:19:22I'm going to fail my exams.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Who cares, babes? I'm going to become a dancer and you'll be my make-up artist.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Not any more. I found out I need GCSEs to get into my beauty school.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I'm screwed!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33So that's why you've been working so hard?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35If I fail my GCSEs, I'll never get a job.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37What have I got to put in my CV?
0:19:37 > 0:19:39I haven't achieved anything!
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Not true, babes. You got to snog Science from Big Brother Six.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- I don't want to be a failure! - It's my fault.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48You're not a failure, Chantelle, and you never will be.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51My dad's right - I'm letting you guys down.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Don't worry. I'm going to get into our classroom,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I'll get some textbooks, start teaching you al-fresco style.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Who's Al Fresco? Wait, is it one of the Jersey Boys?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03No, babe, "al fresco" is French for "patio"!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Oh, God, I really need to start teaching you again.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07But you'll be breaking the strike.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11I'm going to get you those GCSEs, I promise.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18As Britain's youngest headmaster,
0:20:18 > 0:20:20I have to be everywhere at once -
0:20:20 > 0:20:22in lessons, in the staffroom,
0:20:22 > 0:20:23occasionally in court,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26but always in high spirits.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28How do I do this, I hear you ask.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I give you...
0:20:30 > 0:20:32the future!
0:20:32 > 0:20:33FUTURISTIC WAILING
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Versat... HE SPLUTTERS
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Versatile.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44PHONE RINGS
0:20:46 > 0:20:49I want those reports on my desk by end of play today.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53TRICKLING
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Still working.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00SPLASHING
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Fast, quiet and efficient, the SegDesk has all the attributes
0:21:05 > 0:21:06of a Victorian lover.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09So hop on one today!
0:21:17 > 0:21:22Rosie, what I'm about to do doesn't mean that I don't support you
0:21:22 > 0:21:25and I still think that my dad's being a dick.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27But I need to think about my kids.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32I'm putting an end to this strike.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34I'm crossing the picket line and I'm negotiating.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37I'm sorry.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Stop! Alfie! You can't let them win!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Come back!
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Ah, you've finally come to your senses.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Traitor!
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- SHE CHANTS:- Judas, Judas!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57CROWD JOINS IN: Judas, Judas, Judas!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Judas, Judas, Judas, Judas!
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Judas, Judas, Judas, Judas, Judas!
0:22:05 > 0:22:07CHANTING CONTINUES
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Oi, Ying, come and give us a hand with something.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15I quit! I quit!
0:22:15 > 0:22:16I quit!
0:22:17 > 0:22:19- What?!- I quit!
0:22:19 > 0:22:23If that's the only way that I can get everyone back into school,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26then...that's the way it's got to be.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29You don't have to. We can break them!
0:22:29 > 0:22:32But how long's that going to take? Days, weeks?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I can't risk that. My kids need to be learning
0:22:34 > 0:22:36and that's not going to happen out here.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37No, sir, you can't quit.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40No, Chantelle, you deserve a better teacher.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Maybe this is for the best.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45So, Dad, reluctantly,
0:22:45 > 0:22:48I take this redundancy. The strike's over!
0:22:57 > 0:23:01What you just did showed real courage.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03I hope I proved a point.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06This whole thing was getting completely out of hand.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Thankfully, now we can all go back to normal.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Good old Alfie, joking to the last. We're going to miss you, son.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Miss me?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Well, you did just resign.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Yeah, but I mean, I was kind of only doing the whole "I quit" thing
0:23:24 > 0:23:27to show everyone how ludicrous the whole situation was.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30I don't actually have to lose my job, do I?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I've still got to find the money from somewhere
0:23:32 > 0:23:34and I did plead with the governors
0:23:34 > 0:23:36but they were going to insist I sack you anyway.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39If only you'd shown this pluck during your review,
0:23:39 > 0:23:42instead of all that guff about threesomes.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45If it's any consolation, you saved me a lot of soul searching.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Yeah, it's no consolation whatsoever.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Oi, Cleo, watch this.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54"Commitment is an act, not a word." Sartre.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57"Eat pig, bitch!" Mitchell.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- Alfie! - THEY GASP
0:24:05 > 0:24:07That is bang out of order, man.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Oh! How could she not find that funny?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11We've just squashed a vegan with a pig!
0:24:13 > 0:24:14You took a pig for me, brother.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17I'm so hungry.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24A hundred grand? That's unbelievable.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Er, yes, I accept. I can't wait to tell the troops.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Stop! Nobody's getting fired...
0:24:31 > 0:24:34as I have just sold a patent to the Japanese guy who brought you
0:24:34 > 0:24:36such hits as the She-wee and He-boob.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39That's right, Japan is about to say konichiwa to the SegDesk.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41That's not true, is it?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44I sold my flat. I knew the governors wanted Alf's head
0:24:44 > 0:24:46and I couldn't stay on at Abbey Grove without my best bud.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Thanks, Fraser.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Where will you live?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Ah...my office.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Either that or, Martin, can your car fit two?
0:24:54 > 0:24:57It can. Post-divorce, I had a rebound fling
0:24:57 > 0:25:00with a 16-stone lady trucker called Fat Pat.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Romancing a woman of that size in the back of the flame-red Tigo
0:25:04 > 0:25:05could prove taxing.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Getting her bra and truss off alone was a three-man job.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Luckily she had a friend - Mick, her husband.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Dark days!
0:25:15 > 0:25:17I'll probably just rent.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Dad! About your car...
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Before you see it, can you just remember
0:25:23 > 0:25:27that I was really, really angry.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36STUDENTS CHUCKLE
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Oh, my days! That is jokes!
0:25:43 > 0:25:44The gashmobile.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Man's car got porned!
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- Half the credit must go to Mr Mitchell.- What?
0:25:50 > 0:25:52CLEO CHUCKLES
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Er, yeah, it was me. I did it.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Ah, quite funny, bruv.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Don't touch me.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Come on.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- Cheers for that, sir. - That's all right.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11HE SIGHS
0:26:11 > 0:26:13OK, guess I'd better go and get cleaned up, then.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Yep, that should do it.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27THEY CHATTER EXCITEDLY
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Yeah, I rule!
0:26:30 > 0:26:32One more game, then back to work?
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I'm glad you didn't leave, sir.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Oh, so am I, Chantelle.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39You guys are like a family to me.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Mitchell, Joey Boy, even Cleo.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Little Rem Dogg.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Where is Rem Dogg?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Oh, shit! Rem Dogg!
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Hey!
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Ooh, someone had a wee-wee in the night.