0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06I photographed this text message on Miss Gulliver's
0:00:06 > 0:00:09phone so she couldn't delete it before I confronted her.
0:00:09 > 0:00:10It's to some guy called Orlando.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13"Can't wait for BDSM tonight. I love my bondage and my freedom."
0:00:13 > 0:00:15What does BDSM even mean?
0:00:15 > 0:00:18- Bondage domination and sadomasochism.- Shut up, Mitchell!
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Trust me Sir, I've watched a lot of porn.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23I'm sure there's a logical explanation why she's texting
0:00:23 > 0:00:24some random guy about bondage.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Why don't you just ask her?
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Sit her down and have an honest conversation with her?
0:00:28 > 0:00:30- Grow up, mate!- Look it up, BDSM.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33"My bondage and my freedom," I recognise that.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37What the hell!
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Cor, Rem Dogg, your mum's putting a lot of strain on that harness.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41THEY LAUGH
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Maybe she thinks I'm a prude. Have I driven her to this?
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Calm down, Sir. Here's what you need to do.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Alfie, I don't remember inviting you.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58So, before we plunge in, maybe the newest
0:00:58 > 0:01:03member of our clandestine cabal could introduce himself.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06We'll be gentle.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07THEY LAUGH
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Phew!
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Hi, I'm Alfie.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14I am into fetish play, er, light spanking and threesomes.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16If another dude's involved,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19then preferably Rosie would be holding my hand.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21I brought a paddle and er, remember, guys,
0:01:21 > 0:01:25dorm rules, it's not gay if there's no eye contact.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Well, this fortnight we read My Bondage and My Freedom,
0:01:32 > 0:01:36a heart-wrenching account of slavery by Frederick Douglass.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38BDSM?
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Book Discussion Society, Magdalene.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46I'll go.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50(Oh, my God!)
0:02:19 > 0:02:21THEY LAUGH
0:02:21 > 0:02:26So, it turns out My Bondage and My Freedom is a book.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29By Frederick Douglass! I knew I recognised it.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31In the nick of time(!)
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Now Miss Gulliver's staying with a friend
0:02:33 > 0:02:36and I know it's that douche bag Orlando.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Listen, Sam Cam, whining like a bitch ain't going to make it better.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42But revenge might. Where's Mitchell?
0:02:42 > 0:02:43I'm going to mess him up.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45With your spanking paddle?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Oi, everyone, listen up, I've got some news. I'm leaving Abbey Grove.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- What? - Did UKIP set fire to your caravan?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54No. Why does everyone think I'm a gypo?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I'm leaving cos my dad's fairground's been
0:02:56 > 0:02:57shut down by the council.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59TBH, your fair is a bit shit.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01None of your dad's air rifles shoot straight.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02Tell that to the cashier at HSBC.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Going to pretend I didn't hear that.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07You could still come to school. Not that I give a shit.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09What if Abbey Grove became a boarding school,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11you could stay in a dormitory like I did at my school?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Cheers, Spanky, but I'd rather not be gangbanged by the quidditch team.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15THEY LAUGH
0:03:15 > 0:03:18This is bullshit! There must be a way of keeping you here.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Fraser, we need to turn the playground into a paddock.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Well, we do need dollar, dollar is what we need.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26But fear not, I have a new initiative.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28I'm renting out rooms after school.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31The library is being used by Miss Gulliver's book group.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- Oh.- I told her it might be double booked, but she-cracked the whip.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- "Wpssh"!- Please stop. - The safe word's, "Banter."
0:03:37 > 0:03:39- Banter.- Consider me gagged and bound.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45A Mr Hitchell Marper is renting out the school
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- hall for a retirement party.- Right.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50And I bagsied the gym for my larping crew.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- Larping?- Live action role play.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Picture a ragtag gang of shaggers
0:03:55 > 0:03:59and legends doing battle dressed as dwarfs, orcs, elves and wizards.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Legends? Shaggers?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Do you want in?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I think I'll give it a miss.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Larping came in on my bucket list just below drinking
0:04:07 > 0:04:09a gallon of urine or dying of leprosy.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12But I've told the lads all about you,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14they're desperate to meet my best friend.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Er, best friend?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17OK.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21You know all that paperwork winging its way down from Tory HQ?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24The 25-page document I need to complete on making the kids'
0:04:24 > 0:04:26handwriting look more British?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31(I will make that form and all the others disappear
0:04:31 > 0:04:33(if you get your larp on.)
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Why are you whispering?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37(I think Gove had the room bugged.)
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Sneaky!
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Love in the Time of Cholera.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Sounds like our mini break in Morocco.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51One mouthful of shower water, then boom! Remember?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Fondly.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Can we talk?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57BELL RINGS
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- I've got to read this. - For your "book club"?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Ugh, don't do inverted commas, it IS a book club.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Why is it being held in the library?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Because I wanted to support Fraser's new scheme.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08And I didn't want to have it at ours.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10What, because you're ashamed of me?
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Look, I don't normally care what people think about us, but I
0:05:14 > 0:05:17just had to convince my ex-boyfriend I'm not going out with a gimp.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Orlando! "Ooh, look at me, I'm so vintage, I've got a pager."
0:05:21 > 0:05:25- He's a doctor.- He's a dick! - And, anyway, Orlando isn't even...
0:05:25 > 0:05:26What kind of a name is Orlando?
0:05:26 > 0:05:30I mean, where was he conceived, the log flume at Disneyworld?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32He was named after a book by Virginia Woolf.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- 'Course he was.- Don't be intimidated.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Um, who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Sorry, I can't work out if you're joking.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43I am joking. Look, please, please give me a second chance.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I'll come to the book group tonight.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47But you hate reading and it's in six hours,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50it took you a year to finish Charlotte's Web.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Oh, you watch me, I am going to prove that I am
0:05:52 > 0:05:56just as good as any of those smug, judgmental, dweeby, Oxbridge shits...
0:05:58 > 0:06:00..who are your good friends.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Right, change of plan - I won't be teaching you today.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12You guys can get on with these personal statements whilst
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I speed-read this dumb book.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Love in the Time of Cholera, is it like Slumdog?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19No, it's South American, I think.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Oh, sweet, is there a cartel?
0:06:20 > 0:06:24I hope so, cos thus far this book has been about as dry as a camel's fanny.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27"Where do you see yourself in five years?"
0:06:27 > 0:06:29How are we meant to answer that?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Easy - treading the boards, crunching the numbers, on the dole,
0:06:32 > 0:06:34in the clink and...
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Up the duff!
0:06:35 > 0:06:37No. Working as a qualified beautician.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Who may or may not be pregnant.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Don't worry, Sir, we'll be careful.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Just remember, kids, in five years' time,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48when you leave university, there will nothing holding you back.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Except for a mountain of unpayable lifelong crippling debt.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55So be ambitious, children! Remember, the sky's the limit.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57How do you spell celebrity?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Ah, gosh!
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- Oi, Stephen, can I borrow a gel pen? - What scent, cherry or lime?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Whatever.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Oh, oh, it's a mouse!
0:07:06 > 0:07:07HE LAUGHS
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Somebody kill it. Somebody get it for me!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- Mitchell?- Well, it's me last day, Sir, so I did a few pranks.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Ah, you scamp!
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Calm down, Stephen.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Remember, it's more afraid of you than you are of it.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Why do you even have a mouse?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I feed 'em to my snake.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Oh, shit!
0:07:24 > 0:07:26THEY LAUGH
0:07:26 > 0:07:27It's a snake!
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Calm down, Sir. It's more afraid of you than you are of it.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Pizza?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41I like this Mitchell prank. He ordered 200 on the school account.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43How far have you got?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Page five!
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I'll look like an idiot tonight at the book group
0:07:48 > 0:07:50and Miss Gulliver's going to end up
0:07:50 > 0:07:53shagging Orlando in his...sex library.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Can I help?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57I can read a chapter for you, if you like.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I wish you could, but I'd need, like,
0:07:59 > 0:08:0115 yous to read the whole bloody thing.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Yes, I am! Cloning!
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Book pool!
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Yeah, you're right, book pool is a much better idea.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Everyone in the class can read one chapter each. Gather the team!
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Where are you going?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17To tell the librarian to get her sweet little 70-year-old
0:08:17 > 0:08:20ass down to Waterstones pronto cos Love in the Time of Cholera
0:08:20 > 0:08:23has just been put on the goddamn syllabus.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35What you doing tonight? It's just my leaving party.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Can you come?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I don't know, innit. Maybe.
0:08:41 > 0:08:47Look, I just wondered if you fancied, no, if you had a type...
0:08:49 > 0:08:51..of pizza what you go for?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Yeah. Every girl's got their type.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56See, I like my pizzas well hot..
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Yeah.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- ..With lots of dough.- All right.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Minimum, 12 inches.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- Oh.- What have their own car
0:09:04 > 0:09:07and don't live in a shitty caravan with their fam...fam.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I don't think Dominos do that one.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21What about our personal statements?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Park those, this is way more important!
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Right, Jing, you'll take chapter two. Stephen, chapter three.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Mitchell, chapter four. Chantelle, chapter five.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32And Joe's going to bring it on home with the anchor leg.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Only if you help me out first.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Fine, but I won't lie in court and I refuse to handle stolen goods.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Cleo's Peng and this party's the last opportunity I'll
0:09:38 > 0:09:41have to pull her, but she thinks I'm as sexy as a shit in a lift.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44With a turn of phrase like that, I'm amazed she can resist you (!)
0:09:44 > 0:09:45I'll help you, babe! We all will.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I've seen this a million times - boy wants girl way
0:09:48 > 0:09:50out of his league, it's got Super Sweet 16 written all over it.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Stephen's right, you have to look your best tonight.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Don't take this wrong , but does your dad have a court suit?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- Yeah, used to be his lucky suit. - What happened?- Got found guilty.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Perfect, so he won't be needing it.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03If you're going for the suit, you might as well go the whole hog.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05As the toilet attendants do say, no spray, no lay.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Where am I going to find pepper spray?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09What? No! Aftershave.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11To stand a chance with Cleo, this party has to be fierce,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- I'm talking hot tub! - Not going to happen.- Strippers!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- No way!- Vodka Luge?- It's a school.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17- Lap dancers.- You're obsessed.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21You better be there tonight, Dickers, bring the ball and chain.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22And the gag and the whip, oi, oi!
0:10:22 > 0:10:24HE LAUGHS
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Oh, Jesus! Are you wearing anything underneath that?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Does talcum powder count?
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Definitely not.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Then no, I am as naked as the day I was
0:10:34 > 0:10:36arrested in Bensons for Beds trying out a double divan.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40I sleep nude, I'm not going to make an ill-informed purchase.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Look, Fraser, about the larping...
0:10:42 > 0:10:45The look on my friends' faces when they found out you're real.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I can't come. I really have to go to this book group.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51- But Malcolm and Philip, they're expecting you.- I'm sorry.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Ugh, very well then.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56The last of Gove's initiatives.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58He wants the pupils to write with quills.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Oh, all those boxes to tick and look,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04a 30-page guide on how to pluck a goose.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06HE SIGHS
0:11:06 > 0:11:08I'll come for five minutes.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Thanks, Alf, you won't regret it.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Your bin's there.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15It used to be there.
0:11:21 > 0:11:26Philip, Malcolm, meet my best friend.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Salutations, Alfred! Nice costume.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32THEY LAUGH
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Thanks. Fraser picked it out for me.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38I was busy being a fully functioning member of society.
0:11:38 > 0:11:44The hobbit possesses a tongue forged of fire. You jest nimbly.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47If only he'd lavished similar care on his costume.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49THEY LAUGH
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Indeed, Philip, a very sloppy Hobbit.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Right, I mean I am here.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57I spotted the mistake as soon as he walked through yon portal.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- Pray tell, Philip. - Tell thee I shall, fair Malcolm.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Are you two like medieval Chuckle Brothers?
0:12:02 > 0:12:06The ears, Sirrah. In real life, the Halfling does not have a
0:12:06 > 0:12:08pointed helix.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Did he just say "in real life"?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13It's like Comic-Con all over again.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Mm.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Come brother, let us high to the mead.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27They may be the biggest twats I've ever met in my entire life.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32HE WHISPERS IN ELVISH
0:12:32 > 0:12:33What happened at Comic-Con?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Oh, nothing much. I bought us all tickets and we went as Sylvian
0:12:36 > 0:12:40elf archers and I stupidly turned up with a longbow of Lothorian.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44They were well within their rights to send me home, to England.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46To England? Where was Comic-Con?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48San Diego.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Hark!
0:12:50 > 0:12:52We must journey to the Dark Mountain
0:12:52 > 0:12:56and there do battle with Lord Gorath's dragon legion.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Cool! I'm going to nip for a shit.
0:13:02 > 0:13:07Poor Fraser. Abandoned at the battlefield by his only ally.
0:13:07 > 0:13:13I'm coming back and when I do I'm going to make it rain, bitches!
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Hobbits can't cast weather spells.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Dick!
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Joe, where the hell are those summaries?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I needed to be in that book group five minutes ago.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I'm collecting them right now.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31That's your dad's suit? What was he found guilty of,
0:13:31 > 0:13:32crimes against fashion?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Could say that, he robbed a River Island.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I need to give these to Alfie.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Nah, doing a crate escape, mate, you got to drink your way out.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42I can't let him down.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44HE SIGHS
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Pass me a beer.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49I mean, the plot is so elegant.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Fermina marries the wrong man,
0:13:51 > 0:13:56so Florentino has to wait 50 years to be with her.
0:13:56 > 0:14:03Sorry, um, retarde to the bibliotheque. I bought hummus.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Well, that's better than last week's offering.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Bit uncalled for.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08So, do we all have our books?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11(I thought I'd take a back-seat to start with, you know,
0:14:11 > 0:14:13(just get my bearings.)
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Yeah, that's a good idea. Just, just take your time.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Were we all satisfied by the narrative's denouement?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Well, I thought it was beautifully bittersweet.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24If there's one thing I know about Rosie,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27she abhors a Hollywood ending.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28SHE LAUGHS
0:14:28 > 0:14:30I do!
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Yeah, well she enjoyed Frozen.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Maybe you don't know Rosie as well as you think you do.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36People change, mate.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Or maybe they don't, as Marquez posits.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Would you care to expand on that hypothesis?
0:14:43 > 0:14:48Um, yes. Yeah. Watch me expand.
0:14:48 > 0:14:55The author, old Gabriella Garcia Marquezeria.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Whatever! You say potato, I say frittata.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04THEY LAUGH
0:15:04 > 0:15:07You know what, why don't we start at the beginning of the book
0:15:07 > 0:15:09rather than the end, wouldn't that be more logical?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13- Yeah, yeah, that's fine with me, yeah.- Wise old dude's with me.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15What's that old saying people have?
0:15:15 > 0:15:16"Don't judge a book by its cover,
0:15:16 > 0:15:21"but do judge a book by the first seven pages."
0:15:35 > 0:15:39No, er, one more thing...
0:15:39 > 0:15:43..why aren't more books printed in Comic Sans?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46OK, I think we've covered the first seven pages of the book
0:15:46 > 0:15:48pretty thoroughly.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52Why don't we, we move on? Let's discuss the novel's message.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Ah, well, the text's thematic paradigm is a simple one.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Love never dies.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Unless it catches cholera, burn!
0:15:59 > 0:16:04And two lovers may part, but their hearts will always beat as one.
0:16:04 > 0:16:09Yeah, well, that's weird, because I read the exact opposite in the text.
0:16:09 > 0:16:15I read that, you know, she made a mistake, so move on, mate.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Well isn't that completely contradictory?
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Literature's subjective, Orlando, there is no right and wrong.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Yeah, thanks old friend. It's a Catch-24.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Alfie, you have read the end of the book?
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Yeah. Yeah, read the end, and the beginning, and the middle.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34So, what specifically did you think about the end?
0:16:34 > 0:16:39Um, well, well, well, well, well, very good question.
0:16:39 > 0:16:44Um, the main guy is called Fernando and it's a love story,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47so do we all think that's why, on Take Me Out,
0:16:47 > 0:16:50they called it the Isle of Fernandos?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- He's called Florentino.- Shit!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Maybe we should take a comfort break.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Great idea. Someone's bladder's not up to it!
0:16:57 > 0:17:00I'm going to go and er, smoke a Gauloises.
0:17:00 > 0:17:05Oh, and Orlando, BT dubs, if you're going to go drop the kids
0:17:05 > 0:17:09off at the pool, just remember that's your arse, that's your elbow.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Alfie, you're on fire.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Thanks, babe!
0:17:13 > 0:17:15No, no, you're on fire.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17What? Oh, shit!
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Didn't like that scarf anyway, so...
0:17:26 > 0:17:30Joe, where have you been? Have you been drinking?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Ah, just give me the chapter summaries.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39Relax, Sir, have a beer.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42No, I've got to get back to this book group.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46- But, Sir, it's my leaving party! - OK, one, but it's got to be quick.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47HE LAUGHS
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Alf? Alf? Alf, there you are.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Where's your costume?
0:17:55 > 0:17:56Fraser, the book club...
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Malcolm and Philip said you'd bailed on me. I didn't believe them.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- I'm not bailing, it's just... - No, don't worry. I understand.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Malcolm and Philip got to you, I know, they're right,
0:18:05 > 0:18:09you're not my friend and you think I'm a loser, too.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13THEY GROAN
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Calm down, mate, it's non-contact!
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Yah!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Isn't this amazing?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Yeah, it's all right I suppose.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Oh, that hobgoblin you nailed think he's going to be blinded for life.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31You might want to go easy on the gouging!
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Whoop, whoop, it's the bellend patrol!
0:18:36 > 0:18:37PHONE BEEPS
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Whoa, put your phone away, it's historically inaccurate.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Last month, Phil and Malc caught me wearing a digital wristwatch.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45They quite rightly punished my blooper by making me
0:18:45 > 0:18:47sit in a barrel for five hours.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49My doctor thinks I'm going to have back problems for life.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52I'm sorry, Fraser, I've got to get back.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- But Alf, I'm outnumbered! - I'm sorry.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00HE GROANS
0:19:07 > 0:19:09My notes, no peeking!
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Yes, I thought the plot might prove too complex for some readers.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Complex! A child could read it.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18But would a child understand it?
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Hopefully.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Go and talk to Cleo.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I'm going, I'm going. I just need to be a bit more drunker.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31It's not as much fun without Mr Wickers.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Hope the book club's going well.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35I think I gave him some good ammo.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Marquez views love not as a sickness,
0:19:39 > 0:19:42but as an ontological phenomenon.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47The lovers exist within their own relationship and,
0:19:47 > 0:19:52as we all know, the course of true love never did run smooth.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- Oh!- (Wow!)
0:19:54 > 0:19:56THEY CLAP
0:19:56 > 0:19:58That was beautifully put.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Well, that was kind of what I was saying.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Quote time!
0:20:02 > 0:20:05"The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love."
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Florentino.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Thank you.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11While we're on that theme, er, er,
0:20:11 > 0:20:13what did we all make of Florentino's character?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Well...
0:20:15 > 0:20:17I've got this one as well. Ssh!
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- Well I thought the book was totes obvious.- Really?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Er, hello! Come on, babe, a tale as old as time.
0:20:22 > 0:20:27The lead character, Florentino, is definitely gay.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31But he's in love with a woman.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34So was Ricky Martin.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37So what did you make of it?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Well, I didn't have time to read it, so I just took an educated guess.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41You made it up.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43He said it was set in South America,
0:20:43 > 0:20:45so I just thought two plus two equals...
0:20:45 > 0:20:48A massive pile coke now covered in the brains
0:20:48 > 0:20:54and blood of the cartel boss, El Cajones Grandes,
0:20:54 > 0:20:59who'd just been shot in the back of the head by Ross Kemp.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03(Oh, you dick!)
0:21:03 > 0:21:05What are you guys talking about?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07The book report.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Oh, yeah, when do you have to hand them in by?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Joe already took them, babes.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14What? But they were our personal statements, weren't they?
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Hang on, hang on, let me get this straight - you think Fermina's
0:21:18 > 0:21:20motivation was not to be reunited with her true love,
0:21:20 > 0:21:25but to open a nail salon in Chigwell and save up for breast implants
0:21:25 > 0:21:28and then marry her teacher.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Ye...yeah.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Right.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- Well, shall we call it a night?- Yes.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43Alfie, it's Fraser. I've cornered Philip and Malcolm in the gents.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Come and help me slay them.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Thus the trap is set.
0:21:49 > 0:21:55We shall slay your deformed Hobbit right here, in the stoolery.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59And what shall we do with this one?
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Fetch me the barrel.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02- Huh!- Good idea.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04THEY LAUGH
0:22:06 > 0:22:08THEY SIGH
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Right, I'll fetch the barrel. - Yeah, yeah, cool.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14If it's any consolation, I thought your version,
0:22:14 > 0:22:18with the strippers and the drug dealers sounded pretty good.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20I've forced her into the arms of her ex.
0:22:20 > 0:22:25Oh, er, listen, Rosie, she just needs space.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29I want you to know that nothing's happened.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33We don't know that, Richard.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Alfie, let's have coffee tomorrow and just talk everything through.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41- Are you still OK to drive me home, Richard?- Yeah.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Hey, Rich, make sure that snaky ex doesn't follow her home.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Er, Alfie, Richard is my ex.
0:22:46 > 0:22:51What? (But he's a little old man.)
0:22:51 > 0:22:53He was my lecturer at Oxford.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Yeah, we used to walk together through the woods,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58reciting poetry by heart.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02"A thing of beauty is a joy for ever, its loveliness increases,
0:23:02 > 0:23:04"It will never pass into nothingness,
0:23:04 > 0:23:08"But still will keep a bower quiet for us."
0:23:08 > 0:23:10- Mm.- "My friend Billy had a ten-foot willy
0:23:10 > 0:23:13"and showed it to the girl next door. She thought it was a snake,
0:23:13 > 0:23:16"so she hit it with a rake and now it's only six-foot-four."
0:23:16 > 0:23:18I've got rhymes too, what of it, Brucey?
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- Alfie, come on. Look, I just need time.- You want time?- Mm-hm.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23And you're picking the ticking clock over here?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I'm not picking anything.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28I'm just saying that I need some space to...to think!
0:23:33 > 0:23:36The course of true love never did run smooth.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Fuck off, Orlando.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40THEY CHEER
0:23:40 > 0:23:43MUSIC: "Rude" by MAGIC!
0:23:48 > 0:23:49HE BURPS
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Right, now I'm ready.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Oi, Cleo, look, I just wanted to say that, right,
0:23:58 > 0:24:02I may not have a car or 12 inches,
0:24:02 > 0:24:07I'm probably about an eight minimum. Wait, no, can I start again?
0:24:07 > 0:24:11If I kiss you, will you shut up?
0:24:12 > 0:24:13For ever.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Fraser!
0:24:21 > 0:24:24BOTH: Yah!
0:24:24 > 0:24:30Ah, trusting Hobbit, prepare to taste orc and steel.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32KNOCKING ON DOOR
0:24:32 > 0:24:34It's a trap. Run, Alfie, run!
0:24:34 > 0:24:35THEY LAUGH
0:24:35 > 0:24:39I send thee to the spirit world.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46You're, you're meant to fall down.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47HE GROANS
0:24:47 > 0:24:49HE GROANS
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Hold your head back.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57We're going to report this, Fraser!
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Yes, you should report it,
0:24:59 > 0:25:04that two frost blood orc warriors were slain by a sloppy Hobbit.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Come on, Malc, Mum's waiting to pick us up.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11She's staying at her ex's tonight.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Miss Gulliver loves you, Alfie.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Maybe she just needs some time to realise why that is.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Right nut sacks, I'm off.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19How did it go with Cleo?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Amazing.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24She said I was the worst kisser she's ever had and I got a lob on.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26- TMI.- But if I promised not to brag about on Facebook,
0:25:26 > 0:25:28she said she'll go Nandos with me.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Well done, mate, I'm happy for you. We all are.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Babe, we're going to miss you so much.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35God, I hate goodbyes.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Joe, mate, if I ever said mean things to ya, it was just banter.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45The best thing you can do is grow up, make loads of bunts,
0:25:45 > 0:25:47get a proper fit bird and make me look like a Muppet.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53Dickers, I used to think there were two types of teachers,
0:25:53 > 0:25:55the arseholes and the tragedies.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57You're an exception.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59If I saw you on the street, I wouldn't shout obscenities at ya,
0:25:59 > 0:26:03I'd go for a pint with ya, and tell you you was a twat to your face.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Thank you, Mitchell.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08That's the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11I heard that posh people are emotionally undernourished,
0:26:11 > 0:26:13but you are something else.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Rem Dogg, this could be hard seeing as you don't talk anymore,
0:26:17 > 0:26:20and I know you've become a bit of a weirdo this term,
0:26:20 > 0:26:21but you'll always be me best mate.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27And when you're out of this phase, you give me a bell, we'll go to
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Maccy D's, throw tampons at traffic wardens, just like old times.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Bye, guys.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Mitchell?
0:26:52 > 0:26:53I love you!
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Ha-ha, gay!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Oi, oi!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Mr Wickers, we've received some noise complaints.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11One last prank is it, Mitchell?
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Have I been a naughty boy, officer?
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Are you going to punish me with your truncheon?
0:27:16 > 0:27:17Sir?
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Let's get this over and done with.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Strippers don't wear Kevlar!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25You have the right to remain silent.