0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09So, I sacked the PE teacher again.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12After last year's dead heat at the sports day, I told him
0:00:12 > 0:00:14to install camera technology.
0:00:14 > 0:00:18Sadly he misunderstood the phrase "photo finish". A line was crossed.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22Anyhoos, this year's sports day is but upon us and...
0:00:22 > 0:00:24No way, never going to happen, not doing it.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Calm down, dear, it's not you.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Now, don't overreact but it's time to meet Abbey Grove's new PE
0:00:30 > 0:00:34teacher, Mr Preet van der Plessis.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43HE GULPS
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Hush, hush, moffie,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Daddy's bought you some white chocolate from his trip to prison.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51HE SNIGGERS
0:01:20 > 0:01:22You can't employ him, he's a psychopath!
0:01:22 > 0:01:28Here, chummy, I hold my hand up, yah, I make mistakes but I've changed.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30He attacked me with a riot baton.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32That's Preet's way of saying, "I love you,"
0:01:32 > 0:01:35and I've got a couple of broken ribs to prove it.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Plus he's very cheap.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38There!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40TIA. Oh, I've missed this stumpy pecker.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43You still smoking the bars, yeah? No, I'm messing, scappy.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44- Urgh!- Ow!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Classic Preet!
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Look, Alf, yes, he may have assaulted you and, yes, that may have
0:01:50 > 0:01:54resulted in a teeny prison stretch, but he's had extensive anger
0:01:54 > 0:01:57management, art therapy. You couldn't meet a more stable guy.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Boo!
0:01:59 > 0:02:00That therapy's worked a treat.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Yeah, I watched that movie, Mandela. I only laughed once.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Well, maybe.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Oh, when he gets sentenced, his face.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08HE LAUGHS
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Priceless.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Look, Alfie, Preet's lost his job,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14it turns out my gym doesn't employ anyone with a criminal record.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Neither do schools!
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Not this school. I believe everyone deserves a second chance.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Who wants to celebrate with some khat?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24It's like bay leaf, only it's also an amphetamine.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Everyone deserves a third chance.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Right, sports day, you know the drill.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Sir draws our events out of a hat. That way
0:02:41 > 0:02:43the humiliation's at random.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47OK. Andre, egg-and-spoon race. Raj, 800 metres.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Rem Dogg...
0:02:50 > 0:02:52..wheelbarrow race.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Boom! Third year in a row.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58What a convenient coincidence. Stephen...sack race.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02I am not wearing a sack in public. Please let me customise it, sir.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Fine, whatever. Er, Chantelle, three-legged race.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07You know all about that, tripod.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Cleo.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10- I ain't doing no bait sports day. - 100-metre dash.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13What, cos I'm black you think I can sprint?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15What? No, it's all random.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19- Why don't you just make me run with a boom box or put a bargain bucket on the finishing line?- Oh, God!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Oh, sorry, ain't there a bobsleigh team(?)
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- You can sit this one out.- Correct!
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I'm out, too. I'm covering sports day for the school's newspaper.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Did you guys read my latest edition?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31It's just a bit dry, babe.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Dry but very absorbent.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37You need to give the readers what they want - sex, scandal and Kimye.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39You want a scandal. I heard Melanie Chubb, right,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42went to the toilet and accidentally wiped her fanny with her dress!
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- OMG, drams give me dates! - God help me.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48We're all in the gutter, Jing, but some of us
0:03:48 > 0:03:51are looking up the miniskirts of the stars!
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Alfie, can I have a quick word?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Look, I just wanted to tell you something
0:03:58 > 0:04:00because I didn't want you to hear it from anyone else.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04You're sleeping with Richard, aren't you? You're in love with him, you're going to get married!
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I just wanted to tell you that Richard's coming to sports day.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Why? What event's he doing? The race to get his affairs in order(?)
0:04:10 > 0:04:13St Mark's Ambulance do our first aid and Richard volunteers for them.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Are you sure? Maybe he just keeps being brought home in an ambulance(!)
0:04:16 > 0:04:19He's saying your boyfriend's a scrotum-faced old buttfucker!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Would you please stop doing that?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23For the last time, Richard is not my boyfriend!
0:04:23 > 0:04:26That man is a coiled serpent waiting to spring.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28The little prawn prince doesn't want this cock-frocking junkie
0:04:28 > 0:04:30at sports day.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33But never fear, for I'm trained in first aid, too.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Stand Richard down, Preet's got it covered.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39Yeah, in prison I sucked the shank out of a warden's neck.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Maybe let's keep Richard as Plan A.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Hey, I thought you were sticking it to stick it in the bokkie.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51We're on a break.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Oh. Fuck the fuck. Uh, mongrels off the leash, eh?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Maybe tonight we should hit up a few Stellenbraus.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Lock and load, go on the hunt for cooch.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Yeah, never going to happen.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Oh!
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Why are you wet?
0:05:08 > 0:05:12I don't fit in my locker anymore so Grayson lubed me.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Lube helps, sir, if you're trying to squeeze into something small.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- Yes, thank you, Chantelle, I know what lubricant is.- I was in there
0:05:17 > 0:05:20for an hour. Thank God I keep it well stocked with snacks.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21That may be why you don't fit.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25- Grayson will keep giving you shit till you slap him down. - Girlfriend's got a point.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- Don't ever call me "girlfriend" again.- Noted!
0:05:27 > 0:05:30You should use sports day to put him in his place. This is your chance to
0:05:30 > 0:05:33take Grayson down in front of the whole school. Everyone loves
0:05:33 > 0:05:35an underdog. I can picture the headlines.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Jing's right.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40This is your perfect chance to beat Grayson at...the hurdles!
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Maybe not.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Kill me.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Hash-tag light bulb.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47That old guy that tried to attach on to Miss G is going to sports day, right?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Why don't you challenge him? Show Miss G what she's missing.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52That is a brilliant idea.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Challenge him at what? You're even slower and weaker than me.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Isn't it obvious? Good old-fashioned dance-off.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59I can bust a few moves out of my hip-hop locker.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Your hip-hop moves are about this far from a race crime.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04What you talking about?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06# I ain't saying she a gold digger
0:06:06 > 0:06:09# but I ain't messing with no bro... #
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Man of Afro-Caribbean origin.
0:06:11 > 0:06:16- What about a teacher and parent race?- Perfect!
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Well, I guess we'll have to hit the gym.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- We?- Well, I can't do this on my own.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Look, guys, I know historically we've never done well at sports day but this is the last one ever.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29Wouldn't it be great, just once, to taste the sweet nectar of glory?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34You know how this plays out.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35OK, I'll buy you a Nando's.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37THEY WHOOP
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Three, two...
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Preet!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Hello, moffie. My first PE lesson.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46I'm breaking these little bokkie tots in gently.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- What are you playing? It, stuck in the mud?- Hunger Games.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Cool! Um, look, you used to be a personal trainer, right?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Yeah, until the gym fired me.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00They didn't like me trying to segregate customers.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Actually, I'm with you on that.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I way prefer gyms where the men's and women's bits separate,
0:07:04 > 0:07:05less intimidating, eh?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07I didn't divide them by gender.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Right.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Um, look, I need you to put me
0:07:11 > 0:07:13and my class on a crash course before sports day.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Ha!
0:07:15 > 0:07:16But you're just a child.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19I could smell your mother's milk on your breath.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21You're not ready to spar with Preet van der Plessis.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I don't want to fight you, I just want some training.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30If you place yourself in my hands, I will push you to the
0:07:30 > 0:07:32limits of human endurance.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36I will take you to a world of pain that can change a man for ever.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Put the fire of Africa in your yum-yums!
0:07:38 > 0:07:42So ask yourself one question, moffie, are you ready
0:07:42 > 0:07:44for the Preet heat?
0:07:44 > 0:07:50Yeah. Could you, er, un-cup me now?
0:07:52 > 0:07:53Ah!
0:07:59 > 0:08:04Body's a temple, time to sacrifice some carbs to the Bud-god.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Bird's got to keep that cracking little toosh in trim, eh?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Bit much. Protein shake, anyone?
0:08:10 > 0:08:11What flavour?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Banana!
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Hey, try mine, it's got shavings of real ivory,
0:08:16 > 0:08:18gives you purchase balls.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20No, thank you.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Why are you drinking a protein shake?
0:08:22 > 0:08:26Getting ready for the parents and teachers race at sports day.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- Er, one question - can I do it in my fun-run fancy dress?- OK.- Yes!
0:08:29 > 0:08:35Anyone can enter - parents, teachers, medics, young, old, basically dead.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Oh! I can invite Richard. How do I get in contact with someone like him?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Morse code, pigeon...seance?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44You know what, I'm sure he'll jump at the opportunity.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Please, probably hasn't jumped since Hammer Time.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Hey, can't touch this.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49Skeletal.
0:08:49 > 0:08:54Oh, and just so you know, Richard used to sprint for his university.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Babe, you have no idea how quick I am over the finish line.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Oh, I think I do.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Alf, could you really beat Richard?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Well, she said that he was a sprinter,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07so let's make it an endurance event.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10You got it, Wikus, I'll design it myself.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I'll call it "the Master Race".
0:09:12 > 0:09:14We probably won't.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16The old gang back together, eh?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18The boys, the lads, the lady-killers.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Never proven. Come, moffie, I wish to make you sweat.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Right, I've found a brown leather
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Moby clutch on net-a-porter.com. At a push it works with the sackcloth.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Have you read the newspaper yet? I can't believe it!
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Steroids. Jing, is this for real?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Yep, someone at the school's been taking steroids.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43We'll be publishing exclusives all week.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Maybe I should get some steroids.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Joe, you don't need steroids, Preet's training us.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Uh! I can't believe they let that psycho back in 'ere.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51He's not a psycho.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56Preet's had something called "art therapy", it's really mellowed him.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Listen up, you scrawny, pimple-necked,
0:09:59 > 0:10:01cat-wracking pieces of shit!
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Preet?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Sorry.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09# Hi-de-hi, kinderbok, I'm Uncle Preet. #
0:10:09 > 0:10:11He's scary when he's being nice.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13On your feet.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Non-regulation socks.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28So, I don't have white socks, big deal!
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Do you know what happens when you mix whites and coloureds?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33It ruins your wash?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Society crumbles!
0:10:35 > 0:10:39- Er, this is all I had.- You have broken the ancient code of physical education, you know the punishment!
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Can I remind you I am a teacher?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Do you want me to train you or not?
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Yes.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Let's dance.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57MUSIC: Bang Bang by Jessie J, Ariana and Nicky Minaj
0:11:03 > 0:11:05HE BLOWS WHISTLE
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Whoa!
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Yah!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Whoa!
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Whoa!
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Urgh! Oh!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37I'll never beat Grayson, he hurdles for the school team.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Joe, you've got an Olympic record.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43I'm the fastest under-18 to finish the Little Chef Olympic Breakfast.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46That's part of the problem, not the solution.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Bullshit.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Joe, you have got the hunger.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53When you see a barrier, you don't stop, you power on through.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Great, but aren't I supposed to be jumping over the barriers?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58What are you doing?
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Oh, just er, fixing up this
0:11:59 > 0:12:02bad boy so I can teach and burn at the same time.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Alfie, I know you're hurting, but losing to
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Richard in front of everyone is only going to make things worse.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Huh, me lose to Richard? Please.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Name one thing he's got that I haven't?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Sensitivity, maturity, charm.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Yeah, but I said one thing, not three.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21And, anyway, at least I'm biodegradable.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Yeah, his plastic hips ain't going to be decomposing any time soon.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29Now, if you'd kindly vamoose from the artist's studio,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I have got a body to sculpt.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Ow!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37See you later, Michelangelo.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40I think I've broken me coccyx.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05If you have a thirst for the crease, you can always
0:13:05 > 0:13:08play for my village team. I bet you can still trouble a boundary, eh, eh?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Have you been talking to my ex-wife?
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Which one?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14THEY LAUGH
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Ah, smoocher, come perch.
0:13:15 > 0:13:20We were just chin-wagging about the pick and pock of leather on willow.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Sorry, I don't speak Last Of The Summer Wine.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23We share a love of cricket.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Rosie informs me that my presence is requested at the adults' race.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Yeah, Richard and you better bring your A-game, mate.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Absolutely, but in the words of the Greek philosopher,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Epictetus, it is not the winning but the taking part which counts.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Well, in the words of Alfie Wickers, I hope your silly little ambulance
0:13:40 > 0:13:44has got room for both your assholes, cos I'm going to tear you a new one.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45THEY LAUGH
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Brilliant. A new asshole, I, must remember that one for bridge club.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- You play bridge as well? Which discipline?- Rubber.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54THEY LAUGH
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Next you'll be telling me you go to Bang Bang's Massage Parlour
0:13:57 > 0:13:59in Tring with the nice Thai ladies.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- No, no, I...- Right, you, here.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03What the hell was all that about?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Why are you being so friendly with Richard?
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Richard, what's wrong with him?
0:14:07 > 0:14:12- What, you mean other than the fact that he's trying to shag my girlfriend?- Yes.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14# What's that coming over the hill, is it a monster?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16# Is it a monster? #
0:14:16 > 0:14:17THEY LAUGH
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Jesus Christ!
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Great costume, chap.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24And I like yours, too, weird, old, random bus conductor man.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Oh, God, sorry, I haven't introduced you.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- Fraser, this is my...- A privilege to finally meet your father.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Rosie talks about her old man non-stop.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34No, Fraser, this...
0:14:34 > 0:14:36But where's Mrs Gulliver? Preet!
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Come and meet Rosie's dad!
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Hello there, you old fat fecker. Stukkie's a very confident lady.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44We were a little...belt-shy, bro?
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Er, actually, I'm not Rosie's pater.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52This is Richard, my...friend!
0:14:56 > 0:14:57HE SIGHS
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Did I tell you I'm entering the mothers' sack race?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Oh, not this joke. Every year.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Got to get one of those hot mammas into the sack.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09THEY LAUGH
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Come, I have a surprise for you.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22Right, Preet, when I said obstacles I meant, like, a few hurdles.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24The most brutal obstacle course known to man.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27And I've got a truckload of attack dogs coming, too.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Attack dogs?
0:15:28 > 0:15:33And how do you plan to control a pack of attack dogs with children?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36You've got a tranquiliser gun. Of course you do.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40- Um, is, is that legal? - It's a grey area.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Decapaccini, that cat guzzling old goat will faint just
0:15:43 > 0:15:45looking at this.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Or my name's not Preet Cornelius Hennyhenwig, Hoitetoit,
0:15:48 > 0:15:52Goosenhousen, Tabactablanche, Vestavesen, Voota van der Plessis.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Yeah, I mean I, I wanted to test his endurance
0:15:54 > 0:15:56but this could actually kill me.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59As I told my cell mate the night I tattooed his back with biro ink
0:15:59 > 0:16:03and a red hot needle, pain is temporary, glory is for ever.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06TIA, bro. This is Africa!
0:16:06 > 0:16:09TIT, this is Tring.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14On your marks!
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Go on, Chantelle!
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- Get set!- Right, if you help me win this I'll let you touch me tit.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Go!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36On your marks, get set...
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Go!
0:16:37 > 0:16:39THEY CHEER
0:16:41 > 0:16:44MUSIC: "Sexy Boy" by Air
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Go, Stephen!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Shit, that boy can work it.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Yeah, I suspect he may be disqualified.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Shamazing!
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Joe!
0:17:15 > 0:17:18There you are, buddy.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- Come on, it's time for the hurdles. - I don't want to do it.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24I'll never beat Grayson, this was a stupid idea.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28- But the Olympic breakfast. - Forget the breakfast, Alfie.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Joe, remember what I said? When you hit a barrier, you don't stop,
0:17:31 > 0:17:33you power on through.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36That's how you're going to beat Grayson. That...
0:17:36 > 0:17:38(and by making sure you run in lane three.)
0:17:38 > 0:17:39I don't get it.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Just trust me.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Shut your eyes and run like the time you got the shits on the Cutty Sark.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53"To Joe, good luck, Grayson."
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Get down!
0:18:05 > 0:18:08All right, Shrek?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Smile for the camera, this shit's going on Roo Tube.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18He looks...angry.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21On your marks, get set, go!
0:18:21 > 0:18:23CROWD CHEER
0:18:32 > 0:18:35I think I know who's been taking them steroids in.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Joe's not on steroids. I weakened his hurdles.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50THEY CHEER
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Joe! You can stop now!
0:18:54 > 0:18:56He'll tire himself out.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Eventually.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Joe!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Ladies and gentlemen,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10the parent-and-teacher race will commence in ten minutes.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Thanky-doodle-do.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Good luck, mate, going to need it.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Oh, don't be too cocky, young swain.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Remember I have a secret weapon, consilium.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20What the hell is that?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22You'll find out.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29He said it to my face, Jing.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32He's got a secret weapon that's going to help him win.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Yeah, but what's consilium?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Um, what does it sound like? A drug.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Now where's his bag?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I'm not sure about this, sir.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Your steroid story, he's the cheat!
0:19:42 > 0:19:45It all makes sense, a medic with access to drugs.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48That's why Rosie's so confident he's going to win,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50she knows he's on this consilium.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Ah!
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Talcum powder, Wisden, Y-fronts the colour of weak tea,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57this is Richard's bag.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Sir, the steroid story's not entirely true.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Bingo! The roidy bastard!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06But how? I made the story up.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10You lied in print and you want to become a journalist. Jing.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Well.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Now you've got all the evidence you need, take him down.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17But what about you?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19You won't beat him if he's on steroids.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20If you can't beat 'em...
0:20:24 > 0:20:29Now, go, Jing, and remember, the truth and nothing but the truth.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Although, obviously, don't mention that I took the steroids as well.
0:20:46 > 0:20:52Naughty moffie, caught with your hand in the Biltong jar!
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Preet, what the hell?
0:20:53 > 0:20:57If Pistorius taught me one thing, it's shit with the door open.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Right, I'm just... Oh, God.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Don't worry, moffie, your secret's safe with me.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Yeah, well, there's no secret, cos I wasn't actually doing anything.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Two men share a secret, it binds them together,
0:21:09 > 0:21:11entwining them into one beating heart.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16You going to have a wipe of that?
0:21:16 > 0:21:20First month in prison, I hated you for what you did to me.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22To be fair, you attacked me.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Every night I dreamt of turning your jib-jabs into drills.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27A bit close.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29But then I began my course of art therapy.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Would you like to see my sketches?
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Not really.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Oh, look, it's me.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Oh, Jesus Christ!
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Oh, you have been busy.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Feel free to stop at any...
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Ooh! So much detail.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Oh, my God, don't know where I end and you begin.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07Slowly I discovered there is only one thing stronger than hate.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Please don't say "love".
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Tattoos.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Me again!
0:22:12 > 0:22:15My cell-mate, Hilary, chewed through an entire khat bush to numb the pain.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19Yeah, why has your cell-mate got my face tattooed onto his back?
0:22:19 > 0:22:24OK, I've just worked that one out for myself.
0:22:24 > 0:22:30Preet, um, I like you but I don't "like you" like you.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Do you know what happens when you break a lion's heart?
0:22:34 > 0:22:38Does it go to live with a warthog and a meerkat?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I will devour you, moffie, as sure as my name is
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Preet Cornelius Hennyhenwig, Hoitetoit, Goosen...
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Er, got it.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Alfie, it's time.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53I'll just tiptoe out.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56No, wait for me!
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Moffie!
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Good luck.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Carpe diem.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Pfft, you're going to need more than luck, mate,
0:23:05 > 0:23:09now I've got my hands on some of your precious consilium.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Yeah, that's right sucker.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12So you are a classicist?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14What are you talking about?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Consilium, Latin for wisdom. My secret weapon, old boy.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Yeah, pull the other one, Farage.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I'm talking about these.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23And don't you worry.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24I've levelled the playing field.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Oh, crikey, yes, er...
0:23:26 > 0:23:28It's all very embarrassing.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Yes, well, you see, at my age, er, one, one sometimes, er,
0:23:31 > 0:23:34not always, but sometimes one, one feels the need for, er,
0:23:34 > 0:23:38a little help in, in the, in the bedroom department.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40What are you banging on about?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- HE MUMBLES:- Viagra.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43What?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45- HE MUMBLES:- Viagra.- Viagra?!
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Sh! Yes.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Wait, sorry, why would you need Viagra?
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Well, Rosie and I are...
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Friends!
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Yes, but plan for success, prepare for failure.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Rosie and I might become friends with benefits.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Ugh!
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Ugh, for using the phrase "friends with benefits".
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Ugh, for betraying Rosie's trust and trying to shag my girlfriend,
0:24:06 > 0:24:08you...shit.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Come on, Richard, you can do it!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Shut up, Dad!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Wait, how long do those things take to kick in?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Well, it depends how many you took.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Round it down to about five.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Yeah, you've got er, six, maybe seven minutes before things
0:24:23 > 0:24:26start bursting through your shorts like the Kraken.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Shit!
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Preet, start the race!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31I have got to give a quick health and safety check.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35- Preet, start the race!- I love it when you're brusque with me, moffie.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Mr Wickers ain't moved that fast since he found me
0:24:43 > 0:24:45lying on his desk wearing nothing but a sushi platter.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Granny in a thong.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Adrian Chiles' banter.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01Eric Pickles on the shitter.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Ian Beale crying.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Come on, Alfie!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Please not on the monkey bars.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21God, no, not on the monkey bars.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Come on, Richard!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Feel blood heading south.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Come on, Alfie!
0:25:41 > 0:25:42What's he doing?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Maybe you've got to commando crawl the last bit.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Is he wearing a little plough?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56I can't watch, Richard's going to catch him.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Oh, no, you don't, old goat.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Moffie shall go to the ball.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Steady.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12He's got a gun, get down!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Ooh!
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Oh!
0:26:24 > 0:26:27He's not breathing. I'll have to give him mouth-to-mouth.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Oh!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35I can't feel my legs.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Uh!
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Teach me everything you know.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Alfie, why have you...?
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Before everyone thinks I'm a massive weirdo.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46A bit late for that, bro.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49I cheated, OK? Or at least I tried to cheat.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52I thought Richard was on steroids cos I found these blue
0:26:52 > 0:26:55pills in his bag but they weren't steroids, they were Viagra.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Don't stress.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Viagra? Why, why does Richard have...?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Rosie, Rosie, Rosie, it's not what you...
0:27:01 > 0:27:05I would hate for you to presume that er, that, but, but, but...
0:27:05 > 0:27:07but, well, plan to succeed.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Rosie, I did...
0:27:11 > 0:27:14If you say, "I told you so," you'll get one of those as well.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18- Excuse me, please.- Rosie, no, no, no, Rosie, wait, please.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Yeah, I win!
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Do you, though? Really?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Could someone maybe cover that up?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Moffie, I'll write!
0:27:27 > 0:27:28I won't reply!
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Ugh, yeah, ugh!
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Suppose we better get a new PE teacher, then.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45Good news, sir, I got the photo finish of the race, you won!
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Yes! I rule!
0:27:48 > 0:27:50You won by a head.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53It's the most popular edition in the school's history.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56You saved the paper, sir! Everyone's reading it.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Oh, great(!)