0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:09- Hands at ten to two. - Leave it, Dad, I've got it nailed.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13Talking of "nailing" things, don't hurry back from work tonight.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16Hurry home to you in your pants, eating a Fray Bentos pie?
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Yeah, I'll try not to.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22Good, because I am liaising with a bit of skirt,
0:00:22 > 0:00:26a portion of crumpet trumpet, p-p-probably going to hump it.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Please don't rap. And are you sure that's wise, you dating?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Aren't two car crash marriages enough?
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Player's got to play.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36No, player's got to retire,
0:00:36 > 0:00:39get his coaching badges or try his hand at punditry.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Go out with dignity, Dad. Be G Nev, not Rio.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Well, tonight, if the bed's a rocking then don't come a knocking
0:00:45 > 0:00:48cos I've p-p-probably got my cock in... The caretaker!
0:00:48 > 0:00:50You're shagging the caretaker?
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Ooh!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Oh, you meant the caretaker was in the road.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Thank you.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Oi, where you been, man?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37We've been stood here since 7.30
0:01:37 > 0:01:39and it ain't my fault the caretaker's crocked.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Chugger bibs are not cooshy.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42I'm sorry, I got held up.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44The caretaker lives on the other side of Tring.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46You're still going to his flat every morning?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Chantelle, I have disabled that man for life - it is only fair that
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I help him with the things he can no longer do for himself.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Did you break his wanking hand?
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Ha-ha. No, I did not, Cleopatra!
0:01:56 > 0:02:02I just do the boring domestic chores - cooking, cleaning...
0:02:02 > 0:02:03back rubs.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- I thought he'd broken his back. - No, Joe,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08his wife gets the back rubs.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09OK, run me past that again.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12It's very simple. Because of what I did to poor Pod,
0:02:12 > 0:02:15he can no longer give his wife her nightly rubdowns.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17It's only fair that I step into the breach.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Pod just, you know...
0:02:19 > 0:02:20watches.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Again, this is probably just me being slow,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26but he's watching you massage his wife?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28It's the least I could do.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32I don't believe it! Richard!
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Rosie? What are you doing in Richard's toy ambulance?
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Have you taken him back?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Richard drove to my mother's house last night.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Oh, you've moved in with your mum. Who knew?
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Not me.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I told him he didn't have a future with me.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50To be fair, he doesn't have long without you.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52So, did you steal his Noddy car out of revenge?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Richard had been drinking very heavily
0:02:55 > 0:02:59and he was saying these things, not all of them nice.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Mostly about you.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03He's probably intimidated by me.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05No, it wasn't that. He called you a pathetic little stalker.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Stalker, me? Please!
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Anyway, I made him walk home and now he's going to have to collect this after work.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Why don't you get him to pick it up now?
0:03:13 > 0:03:14The sooner the better. Call him.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- No, no, I'll call him later. - No, do it now.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18No. Alfie, give that back.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20We need him out of our lives, for good.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21RINGING TONE
0:03:21 > 0:03:22OPERATIC RINGTONE PLAYS
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Oh, he's left the phone in there.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Which reminds me, you left your flask in my mother's garden.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33There's literally a million, billion reasons that that could be there,
0:03:33 > 0:03:35but if you want I could come pick it up tonight.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40This doesn't make me a stalker.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Mm-hmm.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47ALARM BEEPS
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Wow! We've made over a grand.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Finally, Pod is going to be able to go to Las Vegas for
0:03:53 > 0:03:55that life-changing surgery.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Don't people usually go to Florida for that, not Vegas?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Er, Jing, hookers and croupiers need doctors too.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- You don't think he's milking it a little bit?- Milking it?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- Mm.- That man is paralysed from the waist down.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09None of you have any idea... REM DOGG CLEARS THROAT
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Most of you don't have any idea how difficult that must be.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I've ruined the guy's life.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19How do you sleep at night?
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Oh, yeah, I remember, in a bush in Miss Gulliver's garden.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24I'm not stalking her.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26It is a vigil for a love that is on life support,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28so stop trolling and hashtag pray for Golfie.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Sir, you can lay your head in my bush any night you like.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Even for you, I mean...
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- Don't you think you're being a bit paranoid?- Paranoid?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Joe, Richard is round there every night and now she's driving his car.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41It's all just too convenient.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42KNOCK ON DOOR
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Hello, Smooch. Gang. I've a reward for all your charitable endeavours.
0:04:46 > 0:04:51All right, Dickers, what's the cash for? Kick start for your fanny tuck?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Curtains for his curtains?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Er, no, and that doesn't even work, anyway,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59because I'm 100% red-blooded bloke, mate.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Though you did go through a phase.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05You couldn't tell Alfie what to wear - skirts, dresses, padded bras.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07For a week we had to call him Angelina.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- The final piece of the puzzle. - Do you ever wish that dads could die in childbirth?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Listen, Smooch, Frank's been held back five years.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15No-one else wants him in their class.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17No way! There must be another solution.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Either Frank joins Form K or he gets permanently excluded.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23There we are, knew you'd crack it.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Take that to Fraser on your way out.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30What if your teachers had abandoned little Angelina
0:05:30 > 0:05:33just because she wouldn't conform to their rules?
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Right, if I take Frank, will you never mention Angelina ever again?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Deal!
0:05:39 > 0:05:40No!
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Nice one, Ange.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56My girlfriend has bought me this smartphone.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00She's dragging me kicking and screaming into the 21st century.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02If you know what I mean.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05She does the screaming, I...
0:06:07 > 0:06:08No-one's kicking anyone.
0:06:08 > 0:06:13Has anyone seen a brass pole about yay high, heavily lubricated?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Fraser, no-one will think any less of you
0:06:15 > 0:06:17if you walk out of this room and start over.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Oh, I've taken up pole dancing.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- Right, well, you had your chance. - This is exactly the kind of problem that
0:06:21 > 0:06:24sportspeople in the pole dancing community face every day.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25That and the groping.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Pole dancing is not a sport.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Would you say that to a pole vaulter?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31No. For obvious reasons.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Er, what is seedy about poling your butt fabulous?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Do you really want us to answer that?
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Six weeks at pole club
0:06:36 > 0:06:39and I can pick up a briefcase without using my hands.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Ooh, can I suggest, first rule of pole club,
0:06:41 > 0:06:44never talk about pole club or your fabulous ass ever again.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Martin, did you expel Frank Grayson like I told you to?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50What? You had the chance to get rid of Frank Grayson
0:06:50 > 0:06:52and you dumped him on me?
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Dad?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Er, his mother was very keen that we keep him here.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Uh, I'm sorry, that boy is beyond hope.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Look, if no-one else can handle him, Richard's worked with an outreach
0:07:02 > 0:07:05programme, mentoring troubled kids. He could help with Frank.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I'd never give up on Frank - he's like a son to me.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10And sorry, what's all this Richard bullshit?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- You're still in love with him! - Oh, not this again.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Domestic! Come on, Martin, let's bust a nut.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Going to go and do some hands-free marking. Tick!
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Come on, tell me the truth.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I demand to see your text messages.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26Look, promise you there's nothing going on between me and Richard.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I was just saying that, for all his faults,
0:07:29 > 0:07:30kids do seem to relate to him.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Please!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Who's more likely to reach out to Frank -
0:07:34 > 0:07:39one of the Wonga puppets or a funky, edgy young brother,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42who knows all about life on the mother-loving streets?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44And who would that be?
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47'Sup, bitches and G's?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Let's seckle for a parlay.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Oh, my God, what's happening?
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Frank, when I was your age...
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Well, I mean, actually we're probably a similar age.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59When we were the same age, I used to run with a crew.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Shee, them some crazy ass homes.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Something tells me Atticus Hoy is involved.
0:08:05 > 0:08:10For real! Me and Hoysie, we once done a burglary together.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12What was you stealing - turds?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Nah! Apples.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Scrumping was a risky biz back in the day, once got
0:08:17 > 0:08:24cornered by a farmer packing heat. Yeah, horse chestnut branch yay big.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27We legged it, but then got cornered by the pigs.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29You got arrested?
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Nah, actual pigs.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33They charged us in their sty, we got covered in mud!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Me and Atticus had to strip off and wash each other down in the stream.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Shee!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42This is worse than the time you rubbed noses with my father.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Oi, Biggy, can you shoot Pac?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Frank, life is like a game of chess.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51But the game is bullshit, yeah?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54So why are we so blind to see that the ones we hurt are you and me?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56LAUGHTER
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Cheers, Coolio. That was relatively entertaining.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02I'm going to go and torch the library.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04No, Frank, please!
0:09:04 > 0:09:07I promised Miss Gulliver that I would reform you,
0:09:07 > 0:09:10so could you just not be a dick for, like, six hours?
0:09:10 > 0:09:11What was I thinking?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14I can't set fire to the library!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I left my lighter in that car I jacked.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21You can enter a locked car, take something from it -
0:09:21 > 0:09:22like, say, a mobile phone -
0:09:22 > 0:09:25and then lock it back up again so that no-one knows you've been there?
0:09:25 > 0:09:26Does your dad stink of shit?
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Here's a little curveball. How about we use your powers for good?
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Alfie, please tell me you don't want Frank to break into a car.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Obviously not, Joe.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37I want him to break into an ambulance.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43You're breaking the law, sir.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45It's a crime of passion, Chantelle.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Love does not answer to petty laws, rules and regulations.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49I knew you'd see the light.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53No. No physical contact! Remember, don't break the six-inch rule.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Oh, I won't, sir, you look like an eight or a nine.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59- Bingo!- Yes!
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Quick rummage round, then I'll pop you back on the straight and narrow.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07This car smells of grandads!
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Come on! Ah.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Alfie, you can't go through someone's private messages.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16Er, freedom of information. We deserve to know the truth, Joe.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19This is WickersLeaks - information belongs to everyone.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Damn! No texts.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Off you go, then. I'm going to take her out for a quick spin.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29What? No! You're on the road to redemption, remember.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31ENGINE STARTS
0:10:31 > 0:10:33ENGINE REVS
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Er, sir!
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Don't worry, I've got this covered.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40There!
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Six children are locked into this vehicle,
0:10:42 > 0:10:44none of them are wearing seat belts.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45What's your point?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Ah, come on, Frank!
0:10:47 > 0:10:48You're a tyke, a cheeky chappy,
0:10:48 > 0:10:53but there is no way that you would actually put our lives at risk.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Checkmate, my friend. Check-bloody-mate.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Stop right now! Argh!
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Oh, Frank, please!
0:11:11 > 0:11:15You know the only thing that could possibly make this day any better?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17- ALL: Pub!- McDonald's.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18I meant the pub.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20No, Frank, take us back.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Oh, just shut up and put this on, in case we get pulled over,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24you dipshit.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Sir, why don't you text Miss Gulliver pretending to be Richard?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29One immediate problem with that plan, Stephen -
0:11:29 > 0:11:32what if my natural wit and charm make her fall in love with him?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- I really wouldn't worry about that. - I guess you're right, Jing.
0:11:35 > 0:11:40If I try really hard, I can probably transform myself into a desperate, repulsive little man.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41And as if by magic...
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Keep it simple, sir. Start with a straightforward question.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Mm. Did you have a nice time last night?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49PHONE CHIMES
0:11:52 > 0:11:56"Did you have a nice time last night?" Mm.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05PHONE CHIMES OPERATICALLY "It was smashing."
0:12:05 > 0:12:06- How many kisses?- Four.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- Ooh!- And it's all in capitals.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10That's not good.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Maybe she was being sarcastic - it's hard to tell by text.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Make her show her hand.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Try something subtle like,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17"Apologies for the state of my balls."
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Hardly subtle, Cleo. Hmm. No, I've got it.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22PHONE CHIMES
0:12:24 > 0:12:27"Last night I feel like we really connected."
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Play it cool, Martin, you silver-tongued devil.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36"The rumpy-pumpy was tiptop.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39"Fancy playing another hand of jiggery-pokery tonight?"
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Oh, my God, she lied to me.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43I'm so sorry, Alfie.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Maybe we should stop off somewhere and get you a glass of water.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Or a McFlurry.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Why don't you text back some really messed-up shit, sir?
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Yeah, I can put Rosie off by texting her all the disgusting things
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Richard wants to do in the bedroom.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Sounds like they've already done most of them.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Trust me, Rosie was nearly physically sick when...
0:13:13 > 0:13:16another boyfriend asked her to do this.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18PHONE CHIMES
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Oh, God in heaven! With a squash ball!
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Well, where would you...? Oh, that sounds good!
0:13:26 > 0:13:31"Tonight, I'm going to ride your hot derriere all the way down to Pound Town."
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Mate, your missus is dirt!
0:13:35 > 0:13:38She's not my missus any more. I can't believe this!
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Come on, let's go.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Pub?
0:13:40 > 0:13:41ALL: Pub.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45In for a penny.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50Thank God you made it.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Quick, I saw him collapse - he can't breathe.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54No, no. (Drive! Drive!)
0:13:54 > 0:13:57God, that was quick. We only called you five minutes ago.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- Come on!- Um, the thing is, it's just that we...
0:13:59 > 0:14:01He's dying! Please help, please!
0:14:01 > 0:14:04OK, right. Er, coming, yep, yep.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06I can do this. Stay here.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Alfie. Alfie! Alfie!
0:14:08 > 0:14:10This is too good to miss!
0:14:10 > 0:14:11THEY EXCLAIM
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Coming through! Definitely a paramedic.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Oh, shit, he doesn't look good.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Well, what's wrong with him?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Maybe it's a practical joke. Is he much of a joker?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Never met him before. He just collapsed.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Do something!
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Think he's trying to say something.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- Pen.- Er, Ben? Your name is Ben?
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Pen! Pen!
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Hello, Ben, I'm Alfie.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35We need to get you into the recovery position.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- Pen!- Yeah, I got that.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39I think he's actually saying "pen".
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Pen? That's a weird name.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Better do something, mate - he can't breathe.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44A pen.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Pen! Yes, of course.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49H-He's choking - there's something blocking his windpipe.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- He can't breathe.- So?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I need to perform an emergency tracheotomy, er,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55use a biro to create an airway.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Really? Are you sure about that?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Yes, 100%, I saw it on Grey's Anatomy, or Animal Hospital.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Either way, the llama survived. I-I need a pen.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04Quickly. Yeah, OK. Right.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07It's very simple - you just take out the inky bit,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10find the Adam's apple... Just, just restrain him for me.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Oh, I can't watch.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14OK. Ben, stay very calm. This may sting a little bit.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Three, two...
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Sir?
0:15:17 > 0:15:18SQUELCH, GULP
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Do you, er, think he meant his EpiPen?
0:15:20 > 0:15:21I found it in his bag.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Ooh! Bad thing.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Oh, God, we're going to be in so much trouble.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Do you know what I do in times of great stress?
0:15:37 > 0:15:39If you say McDonald's, I may hit you.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44OMG, is that...?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46The caretaker! What the hell?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48But he's paralysed.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Where's his wheelchair?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53I knew it!
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Well, the important thing is that everyone's OK.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01If you've got any questions about the procedure, er,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03feel free to give me a call.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I'll, er, write down my number. Has anyone got a pe...
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Inappropriate.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12SIREN APPROACHES
0:16:12 > 0:16:17Oh, that will be the back-up ambulance that they send
0:16:17 > 0:16:18just in case.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21We should probably go fill them in.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Keep moving. Keep moving.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Right, come on, let's get out of here.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Sir, you're never going to believe who we just saw -
0:16:34 > 0:16:35only your little friend Pod!
0:16:35 > 0:16:37And he wasn't in his wheelchair.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Don't be ridiculous.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40They're telling the truth. You've been fooled!
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Er, sir, we might want to get moving.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Right, come on, let's go. Back to school.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47But first, we've got to clean this thing up.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49No-one can know that we did this.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Don't worry.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54There's a tried and tested industry secret for that.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59This isn't quite what I had in mind.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Anyone got a light?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Right, after this, it's straight back to school.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10I've got a liar to expose.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Pod!
0:17:11 > 0:17:13No, Miss Gulliver.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Come on, Jing. Like you've never torched an ambulance before.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Right, think we're done here.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Let's go find a bus stop.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41BELL RINGS
0:17:41 > 0:17:42..my worst nightmare.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45Alfie, have you seen...
0:17:45 > 0:17:47No, haven't seen it all day - where did you leave it parked?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- ..Martin? - He needs the key to the cashbox.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Oh, shit, sorry. Yeah, OK, I'll give it to him.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56That's a promise. You, you do know what promises are, right?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Wait - how did you know that Richard's ambulance is missing?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01You have no right to question me.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03No, seriously, how did you know?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Um, well, er...
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- There was a bear. - Oh, that ambulance.- We torched it.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Well, I'm sure it'll turn up.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Anyway, Pod is inbound and the Watford Guardian are coming down,
0:18:12 > 0:18:15so I better go and lay out some coffee and bisc-uars.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Oh, he likes his coffee milky and a little custard cream on the side.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20You may have to dunk it a few times
0:18:20 > 0:18:22cos he finds chewing quite painful on his back.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25How are you finding your new class, Frank?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Did you have a good day with Mr Wickers?
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Mr Wickers has literally saved my life.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Is that a tiny exaggeration?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36I was trapped in a self-destructive cycle until
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Mr Wickers, well, he, he showed me the light.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Yeah, I've redeemed young Francis,
0:18:41 > 0:18:48much like Christ redeemed the wayward...pirates of Bethlehem.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51So, so much for Richard's bullshit.
0:18:51 > 0:18:56All I needed to change my ways is my new best mate, Alfie.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Oh, wow!
0:18:59 > 0:19:00OK.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07They can't give that money to a fraud. We need to say something.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09He's not a fraud!
0:19:09 > 0:19:12And anyway, what are you going to say - that we saw a paralysed man
0:19:12 > 0:19:15walking around whilst we were joyriding a stolen ambulance?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- But sir! - Just drop it! I need to find my dad.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Come on!
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Dad? Dad?
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Hey. I've got you the key for that moneybox.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Sorry dude, couldn't hear ya. Radio 4.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Getting my Toksvig on.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Good news, Smoocher.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39You kept the receipts to this ridiculous outfit?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41You're talking about this, old friend?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43We can start with that.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45100% real pleather.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49All the advantages of leather, plus it folds up into this handy pouch.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Pretty snazzy, eh?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Wow!
0:19:52 > 0:19:55I presume we have your new girlfriend to blame for this abomination.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Whoa! Do not use the G word. We're just cuddle buddies.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Hump chums, no strings.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Well, one string with beads attached.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06- It's actually rather more comfortable than it looks.- Stop!
0:20:06 > 0:20:08I'm just sowing my wild oats.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Your wild oats turned to porridge in 1978.
0:20:12 > 0:20:17And we've been sexting. The saucy wench took my digital cherry.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18I want you to meet her tonight.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21After what you just said? No way.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Well, I can't move in with her until I've got your stamp of approval,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28so it looks like I'm bunking at yours.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Actually, changed my mind. She sounds great.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33The sexting, the beads, I think she's the one.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36- Dinner at eight, then.- Oh.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Ooh, there's one thing I forgot to tell you about
0:20:39 > 0:20:41my new portion of heiny.
0:20:41 > 0:20:46Where the hell is that key? Oh, my God. Grayson!
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Sorry, Dad.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Frank! You lied to me. You haven't changed.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59That hug meant nothing.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00Ah, don't cry about it, Downton.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Right, if you don't give me that cashbox right now I'm going to...
0:21:03 > 0:21:07You'll what? You touch me and I'll tell everyone you're a paedo.
0:21:07 > 0:21:12Oh, Frank, you've been held back so many years I doubt you're even underage. Now, give me that cashbox.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15What the hell is going on?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26I'm sorry, I don't know what's keeping them.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I can't believe that you did this.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37No, Alfie, you mustn't blame yourself.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39You couldn't reform Frank, you're out of your depth.
0:21:39 > 0:21:44Whoa! Sorry, you think Frank was trying to steal this money?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47After all those things he said about me basically being Jesus.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50He lied to you, Alfie, he lied to everyone.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53There's only one liar in this room, and it's not Frank.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Well, then why was the door crowbarred open?
0:21:54 > 0:22:00Because he was so bloody desperate to give that money to poor old Pod.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Alfie, lying on Frank's behalf can make you an accomplice.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Oh, so what, you think I'm just going to sell my pal Frank down the river?
0:22:06 > 0:22:10Haven't you heard of honour amongst...non-thieves?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13I would have to be the most disloyal, cowardly, treacherous...
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- You could go to prison. - Frank did it.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17You're dead, you rat!
0:22:17 > 0:22:18Martin?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Oh, the reception's a bit patchy in here.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25So you're going to hold it half a foot closer to the satellite?
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Oh, you're right, I'm being stupid.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33OK, well, you stay here and look after Frank.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36We're going to have to deal with this after the presentation, which we're late for.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I just hope Fraser's entertaining them.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42MUSIC: Black Velvet by Alannah Myles
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Sorry we're late.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04Shall we get started?
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Did somebody die?
0:23:06 > 0:23:07You could say that.
0:23:07 > 0:23:13OK. So, we're gathered here today to honour a very special man - Pod.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Thanks to the money that we, as a school, have raised,
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Pod is going to be able to travel to Las Vegas
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Stop! You can't go on with this.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Right, this isn't Runaway Bride.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Pod's a fraud.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27We've been over this, Stephen. He's not a fraud.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31We saw him walking near the shopping centre this afternoon. On my life.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34But that's on the other side of town - why were you there?
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Um... You know the way they found Richard III in a car park?
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Well, I had seen a speed bump that looked incredibly like Henry VIII.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- We stole an ambulance and went for a joyride. - GASPS
0:23:45 > 0:23:46Thanks, Joe.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49You what? Alfie, you lied to me.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Yeah, well, you're hardly one to talk.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Why do you keep saying that?
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Er, sort your drams out later. I wore a chugger bib for this monster.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58You hold your tongue, Stephen!
0:23:58 > 0:24:00For the hundredth time,
0:24:00 > 0:24:04because of me Pod is paralysed from the waist down.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07And for the millionth time, no, he's not! He's a fake!
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Oh, he's faking it, is he, Jing?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Well, how come, if he's faking it, when I do this,
0:24:12 > 0:24:14he doesn't feel a thing?
0:24:14 > 0:24:19I'll tell you why - because he is paralysed.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- He winced!- He didn't wince.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Yes, he did. You lying little bitch!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26How dare you call Pod a bitch?!
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Ah, for God's sake!
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Argh!
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Stop it! Stop it!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35GASPS
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Pod! How could you?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Where there's blame, there's a claim?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44I wiped your bottom!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52That's the puppy. Send!
0:24:52 > 0:24:53DOOR OPENS
0:24:53 > 0:24:57Can't believe that you would steal Richard's ambulance!
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Yeah, well, at least I didn't lie about it. Much.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01What's your problem?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03My problem is that you have been texting Richard all day.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05What are you talking about?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08"I'm going to ride your hot derriere all the way to Pound Town."
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Oh, God!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Ring any bells? You're shagging Richard.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15I know it, you know it, so don't embarrass yourself.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16OPERATIC RINGTONE
0:25:16 > 0:25:18That sounds like Richard's phone.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Er, no, it's not. I love opera music.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24That's Paul Potts singing the Pink Flute,
0:25:24 > 0:25:26by...Mario Balotelli.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Let me see that phone.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32Fine! Yeah, you can, then everyone'll know the truth.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Read it and weep.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Oh, please don't!
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Oh, God! The ivory trade sickens me.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Look, they've hacked off half its trunk. It's disgusting.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43That's not an elephant.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Oh, God, Frank, don't look.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46I recognise those from somewhere.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Boarding school?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Oh, my God! Oh, it's a rank old...
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Is it that bad? I thought it was rather distinguished.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57You can't deny that's not your number. We've been texting all day.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Yes, it's my number, but I lost my phone this morning.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Then who's the pervert that's been sending me
0:26:03 > 0:26:05these disgusting text messages?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Just call the number, you spanner.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10CLASSICAL RINGTONE
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Oh, for fu...
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Dad! Pound Town? Really?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21You've been sexting your own dad.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24I'm sorry, Rosie.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Mm.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Great news, gang. When I threatened to call the police,
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Pod tried to leg it, straight into oncoming traffic.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Looks like he will need that wheelchair after all.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Oh, sweet, it's one of those bald cats from Japan.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52About those sexts...
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Just don't.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Listen, er,
0:26:56 > 0:26:59there's something I forgot to mention before they arrive.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00They?
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- The thing is...- Hiya, handsome.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Ooh, Catherine. Hello.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Wait - don't I know you?
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Well, course you do. My boy goes to your school.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17Catherine...?
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Grayson!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Meet your new stepbrother.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Oh, my God!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29And good news - I managed to wrap my lips round a few
0:27:29 > 0:27:32high-ranking proverbials and Frank's not being expelled.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35The school run's going to be so much fun.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37HE PURRS
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Checkmate, mother f...