0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:10Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Tring, where we set our scene.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14- Ancient grudges have been forgot, thanks to these star-crossed lovers. - I love it when you quote old shit.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Smooch, how's your breakfast?
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Frank cooked it special, you know,
0:00:18 > 0:00:20to say sorry for all them practical jokes.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23You stopped being mean to Alfie, ain't you, Frank?
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Ugh! Yeah. Yes, he has.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27No more pubes on my toothbrush.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Aw, I knew you two was going to get on.
0:00:30 > 0:00:35Ding dong! All passengers for Posh Paws Pet Salon, please disembark.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36Woof, woof!
0:00:37 > 0:00:42Oh, Mart, you're so funny. Say goodbye to Daddy, Coco.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44- SQUEAKING:- Bye-bye, Daddy!
0:00:44 > 0:00:45Bye-bye, Coco!
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Come here, you big hunk of man.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Please don't!
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Oh, God.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Oh...
0:00:56 > 0:00:59You put them in my sandwich, didn't you?
0:01:29 > 0:01:33Do you know why I have summoned you here, to the Embassy of Bantartica?
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- To tell him to dump Grayson's mum? - No.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Although, as Headmaster, Martin,
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I am formally obligated to remind you
0:01:40 > 0:01:43that you are seriously punching above your ruddy weight.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44What's your secret?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46I'm like the Tory party.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I perform very well down south.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Right, you, shut up. You, why are we here?
0:01:50 > 0:01:53The local education authority have forced me
0:01:53 > 0:01:55to run background checks on the staff,
0:01:55 > 0:01:57boring.com/bullshit.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59However, in the rummage,
0:01:59 > 0:02:02I have discovered Alf's guilty little secret.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Ugh, God! Is this about my Harry Potter audition?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Alf got down to the final three,
0:02:07 > 0:02:08just pipped at the post
0:02:08 > 0:02:09by Emma Watson.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13I'm talking about your GCSE Biology, or absence thereof.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Ooh, the GCSE story.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Let me dust off me old book of yarns.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25HE COUGHS Get on with it.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29It was young Alf's GCSE term
0:02:29 > 0:02:33and he was having to deal with some pretty brutal bullying.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37His mother and I never got to the bottom of why they picked on him.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Alfie was also struggling with biology.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Luckily though, Alf wasn't the only neglected soul at the school.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48A friendship was born.
0:02:49 > 0:02:54That young janitor from Boston taught Alf everything he knew.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Come his exam, he was brimming with confidence.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01What happened?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- He got a U.- Oh.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Turned out the janitor didn't know anything about biology.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Or much else for that matter.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09The man had an IQ of 40.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11He was tutoring Alfie in a strain of pataphysics
0:03:11 > 0:03:14he claimed a lizard had taught him in a dream.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17So what? I failed an exam, like, seven years ago.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I suppose now you're going to tell me that I'm not allowed to teach anymore.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Yes, I am. I can't employ you without your core GCSEs.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25You're going to have to sit biology along with the other candidates.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Me? Do an exam with the kids?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30But I haven't done biology since I was, like, 16.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Well, I tell you what, I could probably give you an A to Z
0:03:33 > 0:03:35on the Ps and Qs of the birds and bees.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Right, anything but that.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Alfie Wickers, can you concentrate please?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- Can I go to the loo? - It's "May I go to the loo,"
0:03:44 > 0:03:47and no, you can't, because you've already been three times.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Now, carbon dioxide plus water
0:03:50 > 0:03:53equals glucose, and...
0:03:54 > 0:03:58- Yes, Alfie?- Can - sorry - MAY you teach me the equation
0:03:58 > 0:04:00of how to cook crystal meth?
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Just in case I fail the exam.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Well, you won't fail if you concentrate.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Er, Miss, when do we get to see a fanny?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09If you ask nicely, maybe your brother will let you see his.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- PUPILS: Ooh!- Settle down please.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12He ain't my brother.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Sorry, can I just point out,
0:04:14 > 0:04:15I don't have a fanny.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Why have you predicted us all A stars, Miss?
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Because, Joe, nothing is more powerful than self belief.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Yeah, but, Rosie, in Joe's defence,
0:04:23 > 0:04:24he's about as likely to get an A star
0:04:24 > 0:04:26as he is to win Rear of the Year.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28In my defence?
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Joe's right, when we crash and burn,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31our 'rents are going to be mucho sad face.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Other than Jing's obviously.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Yeah, obviously. Jing's going to get ten A stars
0:04:35 > 0:04:37and a scholarship to an all-girls private school.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40So, obviously Jing's going to be fine(!)
0:04:40 > 0:04:42- Sorry, babe. - It's not your fault.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44My parents are obsessed with me getting this scholarship.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Remember, Jing, parents only want what's best for you.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Yeah, I mean parents always say that,
0:04:49 > 0:04:51but sometimes what parents actually want
0:04:51 > 0:04:54is really, really shit for everyone involved.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Are you saying my mum ain't good enough
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- for your saggy-bollocked prick of a dad?- No, Frank.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02What I'm saying is that when my father is motorboating
0:05:02 > 0:05:06your ridiculously-titted, dog-bothering mother over breakfast,
0:05:06 > 0:05:09that perhaps they don't have our best interests at heart.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11You leave Coco out of this.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Who the hell is Coco?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14The rat his mother keeps in her handbag.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Coco is a pedigree Chihuahua.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Probably the ugliest dog I've ever seen in my entire life.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- I'm warning you!- It looks a bit like someone glued some whiskers
0:05:22 > 0:05:24onto a junkie's scrotum.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- OK, I'm sorry.- Frank! Oh...
0:05:31 > 0:05:35- SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE - ..Fireball Tomahawk rockets?
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Freeze!
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- Uh-oh, it's the MILF hunter. - Any last requests?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Does your missus have a sister? - No, but her mother's quite tasty.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Excuse me. Yes, 30 litres of gasoline.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46I'm organising the kids' end of exam party.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Ingredients - one skip, one match and a whole heap of textbooks.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51About that, the skip party's off.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Council were very clear. No more fires.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Yeah, well, there's always a killjoy somewhere,
0:05:57 > 0:05:58living in a thatched cottage.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Martin, I think you need to call Frank's mother.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- There's a problem.- Oh, God!
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Has Frank found our home videos?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07No...
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Tell me everything you know about nitro-glycerine.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Now, this morning, I had to break-up a fight.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- He started it!- No, I didn't. Dad, he called you a prick.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24- Boys will be boys. - They were just play fighting.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27He called Coco a rat.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28What?!
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Did I? I don't remember saying that.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- You can say what you like about Frank.- I can?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- You can call him a useless mongrel. - Bit harsh.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38You can call him a selfish, bed-wetting, little bastard,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40- who made his dad up and leave.- Whoa!
0:06:40 > 0:06:43But don't you dare be rude about my little princess.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Right, um, I wouldn't say any of those things about Frank,
0:06:47 > 0:06:48mainly cos he scares the shit out of me,
0:06:48 > 0:06:53but also because underneath the bravado and the pube sandwiches,
0:06:53 > 0:06:55I know that he's a good kid.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Alfie's absolutely right. I'm not sure you should be calling...
0:06:58 > 0:07:01You have no right to tell me how to bring up my boy. Martin?
0:07:01 > 0:07:02- Perhaps you should try...- Martin!
0:07:02 > 0:07:04You're bang out of order, Rosie.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Mrs Grayson, I'm not telling you how to raise your children.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Behavioural problems are sometimes linked to jealousy.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Not jealous, Miss. Don't deserve Mummy's love.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Coco's pedigree.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16I'm... I'm not pedigree.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22OK. Um, here's an idea.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25How about we just say sorry to each other and then we can all move on?
0:07:25 > 0:07:29- I think that's a wonderful idea. - Frank, I....
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Well?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32You want me to talk to the dog?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Coco, I'm very sorry
0:07:39 > 0:07:41for saying that you look like a junkie's scrotum.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Martin?
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Well done, Alfie.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47No, Martin! You as well.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- You hurt her feelings. - But I didn't...
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Sorry, Coco.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58See!
0:07:58 > 0:08:01That wasn't so hard, was it?
0:08:01 > 0:08:05Silly old man, won't be having any of Mummy's pudding tonight,
0:08:05 > 0:08:06will he, Coco?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Nice to see your father's found himself another nutcase.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16I mean how does he find them?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Look, I know it's tricky with Frank,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21but you and your class have to stay focused on this exam.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Rosie, you know I have the utmost respect for your judgment,
0:08:24 > 0:08:26but A stars? For my class?
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Are you mental?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30But don't you realise what an amazing opportunity you have here?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32You can stand shoulder to shoulder with these kids,
0:08:32 > 0:08:35going through the same ordeal together, as equals.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Alfie, you can inspire them to do great things.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42The only way we can pass the biology exam
0:08:42 > 0:08:44is if we cheat. Agreed?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- Agreed!- Boys and girls,
0:08:46 > 0:08:50prepare to be transformed into ruthless cheating machines.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53This is your Tour de France
0:08:53 > 0:08:56and I am your dodgy Italian doctor
0:08:56 > 0:08:57with a suitcase full of blood.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59CHEERING
0:08:59 > 0:09:01The Sit Behind The Clever Kid method.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Here we go.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05One smart kid makes their work visible for the cheats
0:09:05 > 0:09:07slipstreaming either side of them.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Apropos of nothing,
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Jing, how big is your handwriting?
0:09:13 > 0:09:14The Water Bottle method.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16The invigilators are required
0:09:16 > 0:09:18to allow you to take a bottle of water into the exam.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21We simply steam the labels off the bottle,
0:09:21 > 0:09:26write the answers on the inside of them and then stick them back on.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27The Plaster method.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Same logic applies. Answers underneath,
0:09:30 > 0:09:33then simply peel back when necessary.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34The Tissue method.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36We write the answers on the tissues in this box,
0:09:36 > 0:09:39then swap it for the one in the exam hall.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41If you're stuck, all you need to do is fake a cold.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45- Or have a wa...- Fake a cold and the answers are literally handed to you.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47The Wheelchair method.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50All you need to get through this is a false bottom.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Is that what your mum told you when she sent you to boarding school?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55I meant in his wheelchair. It's an old shoplifter's trick.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02What?
0:10:02 > 0:10:05The Tapping method. Perfect for multiple choice questions.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09I merely tap out the number of the question that I'm stuck on. TAPPING
0:10:09 > 0:10:12And then whoever has the answer, taps it out back to me.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14SLAPPING
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Memento method.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Write down answers on parts of your body
0:10:17 > 0:10:19that are concealed by your uniform.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21The more body space, the better!
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Get in!
0:10:23 > 0:10:25And, for my final trick, the Smartphone!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27They get confiscated, you fool!
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Oh, my God, how am I going to retweet all my little monsters?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Never fear, because I will be handing in a dummy phone,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36leaving me free to use my toilet breaks to consult my actual phone,
0:10:36 > 0:10:40which I have sneakily planted in a designated toilet cubicle
0:10:40 > 0:10:41before the exam.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44While you're in there, you can give your mum a bell.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Her number's still on the toilet wall.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48My number's up there too, Sir.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50You know, phone a friend with benefits.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Yeah, as opposed to my dad, who has a friend on benefits.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Is that it then? Can we get back to revising now?
0:10:57 > 0:10:58Not quite.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01If all else fails, I have a trusted third party
0:11:01 > 0:11:04waiting to receive an all-clear text message.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07If that text doesn't come through, they will call the school,
0:11:07 > 0:11:08claiming to be from the hospital,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11saying that my grandmother has been in a terrible accident.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Whole exam rendered null and void.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17But, Sir, who would tell such a horrific lie?
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Oi, oi, Dickers! Sounds like your bollocks have finally dropped.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Right, I only get one call a day, so this better be good.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Martin?- Ssh,
0:11:34 > 0:11:36I've just got Coco off to sleep.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I'm babysitting while Catherine redecorates Coco's boudoir.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43- She wants it to be a surprise. - Martin, are you 100% happy?
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Please don't wake her up!
0:11:45 > 0:11:48She wouldn't stop barking. I had to slip a little whisky in her milk.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Oh, God, don't tell me she's making you wear that as a breast?
0:11:56 > 0:11:57See you in there.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Oh, I'm not invigilating the exam.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01What? But you have to!
0:12:01 > 0:12:04When you invigilate it's so much easier to cheat...
0:12:04 > 0:12:06expectations and exceed academically.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Remember when you sent me that clip
0:12:10 > 0:12:12of a geriatric man singing with his genitals?
0:12:12 > 0:12:15And remember how I accidentally broadcast it
0:12:15 > 0:12:16to an exam full of children?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- Best prank ever!- Yeah, well, since then, they've been a bit weird
0:12:19 > 0:12:20about me invigilating exams.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23But fear not, my replacement is the best in the business,
0:12:23 > 0:12:25the legendary Mr Hewston.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- You do know Maurice Hewston? - Never heard of him.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Maurice is the most ruthless, ball-breaking cheat buster
0:12:32 > 0:12:35ever to have removed a child's nipples with a shatterproof ruler.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37The man is an arsehole!
0:12:37 > 0:12:38- Shit!- Legend has it,
0:12:38 > 0:12:41as a youth, the boy Maurice got caught cheating on an O Level.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43He was sentenced by a kangaroo court
0:12:43 > 0:12:46of disaffected rural Latin teachers dressed as crows,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48to suffer the ultimate punishment.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- What happened? - They cut out his tongue.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- Jesus Christ!- Good luck!
0:12:55 > 0:12:59CHATTER I'm going to smash this exam, yeah.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Alfie, I'm really proud of you.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11The kids look so confident. Whatever you did has done the trick.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Well, you know, it's like you always say,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15nothing beats honest to goodness hard work.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Alfie, not really appropriate.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Just a little good luck hug.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Well, OK. There we are.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26There you go.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Ah!
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Good luck, kids. Good luck, Alf.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Alfie, I'm scared! What if we get caught?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Don't worry, mate. You're going to nail it.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40You'll get your grades, I'll keep my job.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Rosie'll be impressed, take me back.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44It's literally the perfect crime.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Hewston!
0:14:02 > 0:14:04METER DETECTOR SQUEALS
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- Bad luck, babes!- Oh, shit, man!
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Oh, this guy's good.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44Oh, for fu...
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Time for Plan B.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57By the way, er...
0:14:57 > 0:15:00thanks for telling my mum that I ain't a bad bloke.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Oh, that's no problem.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07I mean, it don't mean you and your dad ain't pricks, yeah,
0:15:07 > 0:15:08but I owe you one.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Thanks.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16FIRE ALARM RINGS
0:16:22 > 0:16:24HE MOUTHS
0:16:34 > 0:16:36CLOCK TICKING
0:16:36 > 0:16:38TICKING INTENSIFIES
0:16:38 > 0:16:41GONG
0:17:02 > 0:17:04HE COUGHS ONCE
0:17:04 > 0:17:06TAP
0:17:08 > 0:17:10TAP TAP
0:17:17 > 0:17:19TAP TAP
0:17:20 > 0:17:22TAP
0:17:25 > 0:17:27TAP TAP TAP
0:17:29 > 0:17:30HE MOUTHS
0:17:30 > 0:17:32TAP TAP TAP
0:17:34 > 0:17:38PENCIL SHARPENER WHIRRING
0:17:50 > 0:17:54PENCIL SHARPENER WHIRRING
0:17:59 > 0:18:01TAP TAP TAP
0:18:05 > 0:18:07SHREDDER WHIRRING
0:18:49 > 0:18:51HE SNEEZES
0:19:14 > 0:19:17COCO SNORING
0:19:44 > 0:19:46SNORING CONTINUES
0:19:51 > 0:19:53HE GASPS
0:20:04 > 0:20:07INAUDIBLE
0:20:33 > 0:20:35HE MOUTHS
0:20:45 > 0:20:47CLATTER
0:21:30 > 0:21:32SOFT RETCHING
0:21:44 > 0:21:47SPLASH
0:21:57 > 0:21:59IMITATES EXPLOSION
0:22:03 > 0:22:05COCO SNORING
0:22:23 > 0:22:25PHONE RINGS
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Hello, Abbey Grove.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29This is a message from Watford General Hospital.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05'This is a message from Watford General Hospital.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09'We've checked all the scans, all the x-rays. We've even borrowed the Hubble Telescope,
0:23:09 > 0:23:12'but we still can't find your cock.' MITCHELL LAUGHING
0:23:22 > 0:23:24AIR HORN
0:23:27 > 0:23:28So hot...
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Have some water.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- What happened?- You fainted.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45I asked Mr Hewston if that meant you got special consideration.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47He just spat on the floor,
0:23:47 > 0:23:48which I took to mean no.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55How did you do?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- That bad?- Worse! I've lost my job, Joe.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04The papers!
0:24:04 > 0:24:06What about them?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Distract Hewston. I'll sneak them out.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Hey, I just wanted to say,
0:24:17 > 0:24:19well played. Good game.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Want to swap shirts?
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Just a joke.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Anyway, I understand why you're such...an arsehole.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32I mean, God knows I'd be like that if a teacher had cut out my tongue.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- HIGH-PITCHED:- What the hell you talking about?
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Why would anyone cut out my tongue?
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Oh!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41That's why you don't speak.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42I beg your pardon?
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Goodbye.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50Where are the papers?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53I had a better idea. I swapped your cover page with Jing's.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55- What?- Think about it. All week she's been saying how
0:24:55 > 0:24:58she wants her parents to love her for who she is and not her grades.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- This way, everyone wins. - I dunno, Joe.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04All right, Bum and Bummer. Fraser wants ya.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07You're missing the skip party.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13LAUGHTER
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Where's Jing? I need to talk to her.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17She's over by the skip.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19- We're going to get more books, Sir.- Cool.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Grab some shit from my desk too.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30HEWSTON SCREAMING
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Jing?
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Look, there's something I'm feeling terrible about,
0:25:37 > 0:25:39though, technically it's Joe's fault.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- Cheers, Sir. - You know the way you said
0:25:41 > 0:25:44you didn't really want to get an A star in your GCSE?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46What if I told you
0:25:46 > 0:25:49that you're definitely not going to get an A star?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51I'd say, "I know."
0:25:51 > 0:25:53And that I'm delighted about it.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Well, that's worked out rather well, then.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57That's why I torpedoed my exam.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Sorry, what?
0:25:59 > 0:26:03I wrote the worst paper you have ever seen, literally un-gradable.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05It's offensively stupid! I mean...
0:26:05 > 0:26:08I could be sent to some kind of home.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Well, isn't that just...
0:26:10 > 0:26:11terrific?
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Kill me!
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Oi, My Little Pony, say goodbye to your satchel.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21That ain't mine, darling. Pink is so noughties.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Alfred, have you seen Coco?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Pink travel bag, I left it on your desk.
0:26:25 > 0:26:30- Ah!- Where's baby Coco? I bought her some pressies.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Dad, what I think may have just happened, in the long term,
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- might be for the best.- Short term?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37(Run!)
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Martin, where's my baby? I told you not to leave her alone!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42I... I'll look in the car.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Jing, I can't read Mandarin, are these fireworks?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47No, they're not, actually.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Oh, thank God, I thought you'd gone completely insane.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50They're military flares.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Highly explosive, potentially blinding,
0:26:52 > 0:26:54containing lead, arsenic and...
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Oh, God and the box is empty. Fraser?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58The nice pirate in Shanghai
0:26:58 > 0:27:01said they'd make a real fire dragon come alive in the sky. Oh, shizzle!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03- Children, get back from the skip! - SCREAMING
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Just cover your eyes, kids. I may have made a slight miscalculation.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11- Frank, what are you doing?- Plan C!
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Is that..?
0:27:15 > 0:27:17EXPLOSION, SCREAMING
0:27:20 > 0:27:24Open the door, Martin. Tell me what you did to Coco.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26I didn't do anything to her.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27Then where is she, Martin?
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Oh, you don't need to be afraid,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35so long as you let me into the fucking car!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37THUMP
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Coco!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Martin!