The Finale

The Finale

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0:00:07 > 0:00:09It's weird. When I first saw this uniform, I wept.

0:00:09 > 0:00:11Hashtag, too blessed to be badly dressed.

0:00:11 > 0:00:13Do you know what? I'm actually going to miss it.

0:00:13 > 0:00:15Where did you get a shredder?

0:00:15 > 0:00:16Fraser's office.

0:00:16 > 0:00:18What did you do on your last day of school, sir?

0:00:18 > 0:00:20You know, I don't actually remember.

0:00:20 > 0:00:21You don't remember Boris Johnson

0:00:21 > 0:00:24bumming you with the handle of your Quidditch broom?

0:00:25 > 0:00:28Ah, Cleopatra. Who am I going to have next year to make wisecracks

0:00:28 > 0:00:30about me getting sodomised at a fictional boarding school?

0:00:30 > 0:00:33- Oh, don't be down, sir. - I'm not, Chantelle.

0:00:33 > 0:00:35We've got plenty of things to look forward to until the term ends

0:00:35 > 0:00:38- and you all leave me forever. - Like the last-ever class wars.

0:00:38 > 0:00:41Exactly, Joe! It's going to be the best one yet -

0:00:41 > 0:00:43Zombie Apocalypse.

0:00:43 > 0:00:44ALL: Ooh!

0:00:44 > 0:00:47- I've even sorted out an actual zombie to attack the class.- How?

0:00:47 > 0:00:51Told the librarian that we had a few overdue books in here.

0:00:51 > 0:00:54(Then I stole her insulin.)

0:00:54 > 0:00:56Urgh!

0:00:56 > 0:00:58And we're not all leaving, sir. Jing'll be here next year.

0:00:58 > 0:01:00Yeah, me and Jing.

0:01:00 > 0:01:01Whoo!

0:01:01 > 0:01:03We can still see each other, sir.

0:01:03 > 0:01:05I mean, YOU still see YOUR teachers.

0:01:05 > 0:01:07Yeah, course I do. This isn't the end.

0:01:07 > 0:01:09No-one splits up this gang.

0:01:09 > 0:01:11Who wants to be blood brothers?

0:01:11 > 0:01:12A bit much, sir.

0:01:12 > 0:01:16Sorry. It's just that we're all such good friends.

0:01:16 > 0:01:18- Alfie!- Frank!

0:01:18 > 0:01:20Get off him!

0:01:20 > 0:01:21Argh!

0:01:21 > 0:01:24LAUGHTER

0:01:24 > 0:01:26Oh, look. There you are.

0:01:27 > 0:01:30Alfie, why have your class destroyed their uniforms?

0:01:30 > 0:01:31There's, like, a week left of term.

0:01:31 > 0:01:33I couldn't say no to them.

0:01:33 > 0:01:35Well, you know they're late for their career seminar?

0:01:35 > 0:01:37Just saying our goodbyes.

0:01:37 > 0:01:39Quick hug from teach.

0:01:39 > 0:01:40Everyone gets a spoon.

0:01:40 > 0:01:42- Me next!- Not you!

0:02:14 > 0:02:16Last week, you sat a state-of-the-art,

0:02:16 > 0:02:18three-dimensional aptitude test,

0:02:18 > 0:02:21to ascertain what career suited your unique skill set.

0:02:21 > 0:02:25Your answers were fed into a revolutionary new data-mining computer programme,

0:02:25 > 0:02:29the most advanced careers-predicting technology on the planet.

0:02:29 > 0:02:30Let's see the results.

0:02:30 > 0:02:33Stephen, you are destined to become...

0:02:33 > 0:02:36- COMPUTER:- An archaeologist.

0:02:36 > 0:02:38An archaeologist.

0:02:38 > 0:02:39An archaeologist.

0:02:39 > 0:02:41Computers don't lie, Chantelle.

0:02:41 > 0:02:44The emotionally-crippled spinsters I'm automatically paired with

0:02:44 > 0:02:47on Guardian Soulmates redefine harsh but fair.

0:02:47 > 0:02:48An archaeologist.

0:02:48 > 0:02:49An archaeologist.

0:02:49 > 0:02:50An archaeologist.

0:02:50 > 0:02:51An archaeologist.

0:02:51 > 0:02:52A stuntman.

0:02:54 > 0:02:56Right, well, he's not going to be a stuntman.

0:02:57 > 0:02:58A stuntman. A stuntman.

0:02:58 > 0:03:00- A stuntman. A stuntman. - Er, it's a glitch.

0:03:00 > 0:03:02I'm sure you're going to turn out to be...

0:03:02 > 0:03:03A male escort.

0:03:09 > 0:03:13Guys, guys, class selfie! Everyone in.

0:03:18 > 0:03:19Give it!

0:03:19 > 0:03:21Delete. Delete.

0:03:21 > 0:03:23Delete.

0:03:23 > 0:03:25Ooh, work. I look cute in that one.

0:03:25 > 0:03:28OK, I'll send it to you all if you just give me your numbers.

0:03:28 > 0:03:30- Do you want my Snapchat deets? - 100% definitely not.

0:03:30 > 0:03:32Don't worry, I'll make a slide show.

0:03:32 > 0:03:34Sir, do you want to be my date to the prom?

0:03:34 > 0:03:35Or are you back with her?

0:03:35 > 0:03:37Er, we're taking things slowly.

0:03:37 > 0:03:40Office romances never work. It's a Cosmo no-no.

0:03:40 > 0:03:41Maybe you're right.

0:03:41 > 0:03:44I know we're meant for each other, but working together at school...

0:03:44 > 0:03:48Sometimes it feels like she's just embarrassed by me.

0:03:48 > 0:03:50Never let anyone make you hide who you really are, sir.

0:03:50 > 0:03:53- That's why Stephen Carmichael is not going to the prom.- What?

0:03:53 > 0:03:55Hashtag, sorry not sorry.

0:03:55 > 0:04:00- Howevs, he gave his wristband to Stephanie Fierce!- Yes!

0:04:00 > 0:04:01It's his female alter ego.

0:04:01 > 0:04:03Ain't you worried people are going to pick on ya?

0:04:03 > 0:04:04Haters gonna hate.

0:04:04 > 0:04:08Haters gonna be drunk, lairy, and technically no longer at school.

0:04:08 > 0:04:11They could be real dicks about it, Stephen.

0:04:11 > 0:04:15sir, um, I've applied for a creative writing course in Paris.

0:04:15 > 0:04:16What?

0:04:16 > 0:04:20I want to be a writer and Tring isn't the most inspiring place.

0:04:20 > 0:04:22But you can't all leave. Then I'll be on my own.

0:04:22 > 0:04:24Grow a pair, yeah?

0:04:24 > 0:04:25I know, Cleo, I'm sorry.

0:04:25 > 0:04:28I just can't deal with this emotional shit.

0:04:28 > 0:04:29I'm posh.

0:04:29 > 0:04:32Where I come from, feelings are meant to be buried.

0:04:32 > 0:04:34Or taken out years later on a horsey, secret-drinker wife

0:04:34 > 0:04:37that my mother made me marry for her child-bearing hips.

0:04:37 > 0:04:39But you'll have a whole new class next year, Alfie.

0:04:39 > 0:04:40I don't want a new class.

0:04:41 > 0:04:42I want you guys.

0:04:42 > 0:04:44You're my kids.

0:04:44 > 0:04:45ALL: Aw!

0:04:50 > 0:04:53- KNOCK AT DOOR - Right, who's next in the careers hot seat?

0:04:54 > 0:04:59Dad, I need a new job. I can't cope without my kids.

0:04:59 > 0:05:03Right, how are you with ruins? Handy with a trowel?

0:05:03 > 0:05:05Happy smuggling monuments out of Greece?

0:05:05 > 0:05:07Dad, I'm not being an archaeologist.

0:05:08 > 0:05:12Listen, losing your first class can be devastating,

0:05:12 > 0:05:15but each new year brings a fresh start.

0:05:15 > 0:05:17Thanks, Dad. That's good advice.

0:05:17 > 0:05:18And look on the bright side,

0:05:18 > 0:05:21I mean, parents get stuck with their kids for life.

0:05:21 > 0:05:22Less strong.

0:05:22 > 0:05:24Is this about Rosie?

0:05:26 > 0:05:28Let me tell you a pertinent yarn.

0:05:28 > 0:05:30HE HUFFS

0:05:30 > 0:05:35In the '70s, two students met on summer jobs in the London Dungeons.

0:05:35 > 0:05:38They fell in love, but the dream turned to a nightmare

0:05:38 > 0:05:40when I found that I couldn't work under the spell

0:05:40 > 0:05:44- of your mother's voracious sexual appetite.- Oh, God!

0:05:44 > 0:05:46Fortunately we were fired

0:05:46 > 0:05:49when a visiting headmaster reported sightings

0:05:49 > 0:05:52of a partially disrobed Mary, Queen of Scots

0:05:52 > 0:05:54fellating Jack the Ripper

0:05:54 > 0:05:56through the letter box of 10 Rillington Place.

0:05:58 > 0:05:59Right.

0:05:59 > 0:06:04Well, that is the single most harrowing 30 seconds of my life.

0:06:10 > 0:06:11Fraser...

0:06:14 > 0:06:16FRASER GIGGLING

0:06:16 > 0:06:18Why?

0:06:18 > 0:06:20I hid in the leavers' photos!

0:06:20 > 0:06:23But they're individual portraits.

0:06:23 > 0:06:26MUSIC: Left Bank Two by The Noveltones

0:06:30 > 0:06:34Look, Fraser, if you promise not to go crazy,

0:06:34 > 0:06:37then we can have a grown-up discussion...

0:06:37 > 0:06:38about my P45.

0:06:41 > 0:06:43But WHY?!

0:06:46 > 0:06:49Alfie, I've just spoken to Martin.

0:06:49 > 0:06:51You can't leave Abbey Grove.

0:06:51 > 0:06:52You're a great teacher.

0:06:52 > 0:06:55But I want to be a great boyfriend, Rosie.

0:06:55 > 0:06:58You gave me a second chance, I'm not going to throw that away.

0:07:01 > 0:07:04Hi, Rosie. I punched my reflection.

0:07:04 > 0:07:07Alfred, I've had a quiet think about your moment of madness

0:07:07 > 0:07:10and I'm willing to forgive you if you agree to stay on at Abbey Grove.

0:07:12 > 0:07:13Goodbye, guys.

0:07:15 > 0:07:17I see.

0:07:17 > 0:07:18Would you excuse me?

0:07:21 > 0:07:23Oh, God, you traitor!

0:07:25 > 0:07:26Alfie, what will you do?

0:07:26 > 0:07:32Rosie, I'm a young, self-motivated, highly-qualified professional.

0:07:32 > 0:07:37Trust me. I'm going to be beating off the job offers with a shitty stick.

0:07:44 > 0:07:46She says, "I think it's MDF."

0:07:46 > 0:07:48And I'm like, "What are you going on about?

0:07:48 > 0:07:49"You're going to need some primer."

0:07:49 > 0:07:52And she says, "I think I need some paint." I'm like, "No, you don't.

0:07:52 > 0:07:55"You need primer, you stupid tart."

0:07:55 > 0:07:57Silly bint!

0:07:57 > 0:07:58Yeah, what a dumb bitch.

0:08:02 > 0:08:07Here's one you lads'll like. This geezer asks me

0:08:07 > 0:08:09for the strength of a torch...

0:08:09 > 0:08:10in candles!

0:08:10 > 0:08:12HE SNORTS

0:08:14 > 0:08:17Really thought that would illicit more of a titter.

0:08:18 > 0:08:20- TANNOY:- Staff call, spillage in the bathroom section.

0:08:23 > 0:08:27Oh, that poor old dear thought one of the display toilets was real!

0:08:27 > 0:08:29Who's the unlucky bastard that gets to clean that up?

0:08:31 > 0:08:34Yeah, it's me, isn't it?

0:08:34 > 0:08:35I'm the unlucky bastard.

0:08:37 > 0:08:40By the way, let me know if you're up for a few jars after work.

0:08:42 > 0:08:43Pencil you in as maybes.

0:08:56 > 0:08:58Oh, my God,

0:08:58 > 0:09:01the lads I work with are amazing.

0:09:01 > 0:09:03Already planning a boys' weekend in Marbs.

0:09:03 > 0:09:05And to think I became a teacher

0:09:05 > 0:09:08because I struggle to form lasting friendships with people my own age.

0:09:09 > 0:09:13Sorry, let me just go back a few steps. You're working in a...?

0:09:13 > 0:09:14PlayStation game testing factory.

0:09:14 > 0:09:16What kind of stuff do you do?

0:09:16 > 0:09:18Well, I shouldn't really be telling you this

0:09:18 > 0:09:22but we are developing a new button -

0:09:22 > 0:09:24the hexagon!

0:09:24 > 0:09:26Wow!

0:09:26 > 0:09:28- Wait...- But enough about me, what about you guys?

0:09:28 > 0:09:30Stephen, you got a date yet?

0:09:30 > 0:09:33None of the boys here can handle a real woman.

0:09:33 > 0:09:34You've got to come to the prom, sir.

0:09:34 > 0:09:36I can't. I don't work here anymore.

0:09:36 > 0:09:38- FRASER:- You're damn right!

0:09:41 > 0:09:44Hello, Judas! I thought you'd be hanging from a tree by now.

0:09:44 > 0:09:47What's it like at the PlayStation factory? No, Fraser. Stay strong.

0:09:48 > 0:09:51I blocked you on Facebook. I think it's for the best.

0:09:51 > 0:09:52Fraser, we weren't lovers.

0:09:52 > 0:09:54Didn't want you getting Facebook envy of me

0:09:54 > 0:09:56and my new best friend, Mr Heather.

0:09:56 > 0:09:58This guy's banter is off the chain.

0:09:58 > 0:10:00Do I have to wear this shirt? I'm getting a rash.

0:10:00 > 0:10:03Me and my homeslice going to smoke bare sticky icky hand bongs

0:10:03 > 0:10:04in these bad boys.

0:10:04 > 0:10:06I can't smoke, I'm asthmatic.

0:10:06 > 0:10:10Ooh, Kareem Abdul-Banter! Just slam dunked another basket, lol.

0:10:10 > 0:10:12I miss you every day.

0:10:12 > 0:10:13Damn it, Fraser.

0:10:14 > 0:10:16Well, as you're no longer a member of staff

0:10:16 > 0:10:19I must ask you to ALF Wiedersehen.

0:10:19 > 0:10:20Bothered?

0:10:20 > 0:10:23We have Subway for lunch every day at PlayStation HQ.

0:10:23 > 0:10:24The land of milk and honey.

0:10:24 > 0:10:27Will you think about coming to prom, Alfie?

0:10:27 > 0:10:30Look, Joe, maybe it's best if we all move on.

0:10:33 > 0:10:35- Are you crying? - Hold your tongue, Phil.

0:10:39 > 0:10:42Hey, guys! Did anyone order a maverick teacher

0:10:42 > 0:10:44that's more like your best mate?

0:10:44 > 0:10:45Coming right up.

0:10:45 > 0:10:50Ooh, ooh, Christmas crackers...in June! Come on!

0:10:50 > 0:10:52It'll be a laugh.

0:10:55 > 0:10:59Hey! Hey, Frank. Did I ever tell you about my embarrassing tattoo?

0:10:59 > 0:11:02Bit of ammunition there. Go on, have a swing.

0:11:02 > 0:11:03Sorry, Miss, it's just not the same.

0:11:05 > 0:11:07You got too much self esteem.

0:11:07 > 0:11:10Turns out I need that bumbling, toffee-nosed wank stain

0:11:10 > 0:11:12like day needs night.

0:11:12 > 0:11:14Frank, that's so poetic.

0:11:14 > 0:11:15I miss Mr Wickers too.

0:11:15 > 0:11:17He's literally my Yang.

0:11:17 > 0:11:20Guys, come on! Cheer up!

0:11:20 > 0:11:24Oi, Sound Of Music, just put on a DVD and leave it, yeah?

0:11:25 > 0:11:27What about class wars?

0:11:27 > 0:11:29Keep talking.

0:11:29 > 0:11:33Yeah, like one big, end-of-term, final battle extravaganza.

0:11:33 > 0:11:35Would Alfie mind us doing it without him?

0:11:35 > 0:11:37Babes, it's what he would have wanted.

0:11:37 > 0:11:40Yeah, yeah! Now we're cooking with gas!

0:11:40 > 0:11:43Yeah! How about the battle for women's rights in the workplace?

0:11:43 > 0:11:46- Yeah! - PUPILS GROAN

0:11:46 > 0:11:49OK, everyone on the left, you can be, like...

0:11:49 > 0:11:54young, independent women, and on the right you can be the establishment.

0:11:54 > 0:11:56Boo!

0:11:57 > 0:11:58IMITATES GUNSHOT

0:11:58 > 0:12:01I don't think I'm very good at this irresponsible teacher thing.

0:12:01 > 0:12:03Yo, Miss G! Here's the shopping list.

0:12:03 > 0:12:06So much for equality in the workplace.

0:12:06 > 0:12:09We're going to need BBQs, fairy lights and Chinese lanterns.

0:12:09 > 0:12:11- What are you wearing?- My DJ clobber.

0:12:11 > 0:12:13Swedish House of Fraser.

0:12:13 > 0:12:15I'm spinning tunes at the prom tonight. Any requests?

0:12:17 > 0:12:20Any requests except the request that I don't DJ this evening?

0:12:28 > 0:12:29Decking.

0:12:30 > 0:12:33Claw hammer.

0:12:33 > 0:12:34Cable ties.

0:12:36 > 0:12:38Lime.

0:12:38 > 0:12:39Oh, God!

0:12:39 > 0:12:42Why don't these tills come with a panic button?

0:12:42 > 0:12:44HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

0:12:44 > 0:12:46PHONE RINGS

0:12:46 > 0:12:49Oh, sorry, do you mind if I get this? It's my girlfriend.

0:12:49 > 0:12:51Women! Can't live with 'em.

0:12:56 > 0:12:58OK. Bye!

0:12:59 > 0:13:01How's the PlayStation factory?

0:13:01 > 0:13:02Great!

0:13:02 > 0:13:04The PS4 gang will be the death of me.

0:13:04 > 0:13:09Old Billy, Joel, Ringo and...

0:13:10 > 0:13:12..Sink.

0:13:12 > 0:13:14Well, glad you're happy.

0:13:14 > 0:13:18How are my kids? Have they forgotten about me already?

0:13:18 > 0:13:20You're all they talk about.

0:13:20 > 0:13:22Oh, you've got to come to the prom, Alf.

0:13:22 > 0:13:26I'm in DIY Home Stores getting decorations now.

0:13:26 > 0:13:28- You're in DIY Home Stores?- Mm-hmm.

0:13:29 > 0:13:32Um, you should leave, er, right now.

0:13:32 > 0:13:33Why?

0:13:35 > 0:13:38Because, erm, I heard that, er,

0:13:38 > 0:13:40they use sweatshops. Yeah.

0:13:40 > 0:13:42All their garden furniture is made by children.

0:13:42 > 0:13:44So you should get out of there

0:13:44 > 0:13:45before you have kids' blood on your hands.

0:13:47 > 0:13:49Alfie?

0:13:49 > 0:13:50Hey!

0:13:51 > 0:13:53Surprise!

0:13:53 > 0:13:54What are you doing?

0:13:54 > 0:13:59Er, just, er... Just trying out this bath. Very spacious.

0:13:59 > 0:14:00Why are you wearing that apron?

0:14:01 > 0:14:04You mean, er, this old friend?

0:14:04 > 0:14:07I've always had this.

0:14:07 > 0:14:08All right. Busted!

0:14:10 > 0:14:13I'm actually trying to blag a staff discount, so ssh!

0:14:13 > 0:14:14- Oh!- Hence...

0:14:14 > 0:14:19Right, it just... It looks like you could, sort of, maybe, work here.

0:14:19 > 0:14:22What, me? Work here? Don't be ridiculous.

0:14:22 > 0:14:24Oi, Dickers.

0:14:24 > 0:14:26Fella over there said you just walked away and stopped serving him.

0:14:28 > 0:14:30Sorry, mate. I think you might have me mistaken for somebody else.

0:14:30 > 0:14:33Nah, definitely you who served him. He said it was a posh twat

0:14:33 > 0:14:36who looked like a chubby ostrich with a plum stuck up his arse.

0:14:37 > 0:14:39(Wow!)

0:14:39 > 0:14:40- You all right, Miss?- Mm.

0:14:40 > 0:14:42Still would.

0:14:42 > 0:14:44Thank you, Dean. Charming as ever.

0:14:44 > 0:14:46And nice to see that DIY Home Stores

0:14:46 > 0:14:50stock a wide variety of massive spanners.

0:14:50 > 0:14:52Yeah, you love it!

0:14:52 > 0:14:54Sorry, you know Dean?

0:14:54 > 0:14:57Dean Grayson. He's Grayson's brother. I taught him years ago.

0:14:57 > 0:15:00And suddenly everything makes sense.

0:15:00 > 0:15:01Why didn't you tell me the truth?

0:15:01 > 0:15:03I was going to apply to other schools,

0:15:03 > 0:15:07but I knew it would just be the same heartbreak at the end of it.

0:15:07 > 0:15:09Whatever you do, whatever your job is,

0:15:09 > 0:15:10I don't care.

0:15:12 > 0:15:14And I don't care because...

0:15:16 > 0:15:18Please, just come back to Abbey Grove.

0:15:19 > 0:15:21I can't.

0:15:21 > 0:15:24Anyway, I love my job here.

0:15:24 > 0:15:29- TANNOY:- Alfie Wickers, Alfie Wickers, Code Brown in bathroomware.

0:15:29 > 0:15:31Doris!

0:15:31 > 0:15:32- I've got to go.- Why?

0:15:34 > 0:15:38A geriatric lady thinks she's about to soil a display toilet.

0:15:40 > 0:15:41Not on my watch!

0:15:41 > 0:15:44CART BEEPING

0:15:48 > 0:15:50Hello, is that the manager?

0:15:50 > 0:15:54Yes, I'd like to report an employee of yours. An Alfie Wickers.

0:15:55 > 0:15:58What did he do? What did he do, indeed!

0:16:01 > 0:16:03He fingered me in a summerhouse.

0:16:03 > 0:16:05Hello? Oh, for fu...

0:16:05 > 0:16:07KNOCK AT DOOR

0:16:07 > 0:16:08Hi, Fraser.

0:16:08 > 0:16:11Can I have your permission to take Form K on a fieldtrip?

0:16:11 > 0:16:13Do what you want!

0:16:13 > 0:16:15God, I am drinking these Kalibers like there's no tomorrow.

0:16:15 > 0:16:18I'm the world's first no-alcohol alcoholic.

0:16:18 > 0:16:20I'm basically just addicted to yeast.

0:16:21 > 0:16:23Right, I'll leave you with that thought.

0:16:26 > 0:16:28HE SNORES

0:16:33 > 0:16:34Your move, Brown Baron.

0:16:37 > 0:16:41Dean, if you're going to show me your balls in a paint tray again...

0:16:41 > 0:16:43Guys! Rosie? What are you...?

0:16:43 > 0:16:46We came for you, sir, and we're not leaving without you.

0:16:46 > 0:16:48I didn't want you to see me like this.

0:16:48 > 0:16:50sir, we know you don't want to teach at Abbey Grove anymore,

0:16:50 > 0:16:52but you've got to come to the prom.

0:16:52 > 0:16:54I just dunno if I can handle it, Chantelle.

0:16:54 > 0:16:57But, Alfie, listen to what your class are telling you.

0:16:57 > 0:16:59Look, I appreciate you coming down here.

0:16:59 > 0:17:01Seeing you is the first time I've smiled in, like, a week.

0:17:03 > 0:17:05But you've got to let me move on with my life.

0:17:07 > 0:17:08I'm sorry.

0:17:13 > 0:17:16But, sir, you won't even get to meet Stephanie Fierce.

0:17:16 > 0:17:18Still going in drag?

0:17:18 > 0:17:19Good on ya.

0:17:19 > 0:17:21Who needs a date, right?

0:17:21 > 0:17:22Oh, I've got a date.

0:17:22 > 0:17:24I'm taking the only man strong enough to handle Stephanie.

0:17:52 > 0:17:55- You look amazing!- Thank you, Frank.

0:17:55 > 0:17:57LAUGHTER

0:18:18 > 0:18:21Um, why you come dressed as Odd Job?

0:18:21 > 0:18:23Chantelle made me get a spray tan.

0:18:23 > 0:18:25He's an Oompa Loompa!

0:18:25 > 0:18:27Throw your hat at him, Joe.

0:18:27 > 0:18:30Oh, come on, gang. Let's raise a glass

0:18:30 > 0:18:32to absent friends.

0:18:32 > 0:18:33ALL: To absent friends.

0:18:38 > 0:18:41What are we thinking for the post-work session, then?

0:18:41 > 0:18:43Head round my crib for a few tinnies?

0:18:43 > 0:18:45Don't tell the missus.

0:18:45 > 0:18:47Not that I give a shit, cos she's a bloody woman.

0:18:49 > 0:18:52Ugh. Right, why is this not stopping?

0:18:52 > 0:18:54Oh, you've cut the brake wires, haven't you? Very funny.

0:18:54 > 0:18:56Guys, seriously!

0:18:56 > 0:18:57Argh!

0:19:07 > 0:19:12Come on, guys, huh! Hey, who wants to spike Fraser's Kaliber?

0:19:12 > 0:19:15Or we could have a dance off and really lose our dignity.

0:19:15 > 0:19:21Come on, everyone make a circle around me. Whoo! Yeah!

0:19:21 > 0:19:22Yeah!

0:19:22 > 0:19:25CHEERING

0:19:25 > 0:19:27Yeah, we can still have fun. Yeah!

0:19:27 > 0:19:30We can have a good time, yeah!

0:19:30 > 0:19:31Er, Miss?

0:19:33 > 0:19:35Alfie. You came!

0:19:35 > 0:19:38So, did you quit DIY Home Stores, sir?

0:19:38 > 0:19:42Yes, I did, Frank. But don't worry, I did it with dignity.

0:19:44 > 0:19:48Doris, this has been the battle of a lifetime

0:19:48 > 0:19:50and you a worthy adversary.

0:19:51 > 0:19:55But now we must unite to destroy our common enemy.

0:19:55 > 0:19:58This is Dean's motorcycle helmet.

0:19:58 > 0:20:00Take it, Doris,

0:20:00 > 0:20:01and do what you do best.

0:20:01 > 0:20:04Drop it like it's hot, girl.

0:20:04 > 0:20:06LAUGHTER

0:20:06 > 0:20:08Let's get up and dance.

0:20:08 > 0:20:10Oh, what do we have here?

0:20:10 > 0:20:14Some total stranger's crashed the prom.

0:20:14 > 0:20:16Go on, Heather. Destroy him with one of your quips.

0:20:16 > 0:20:17Nice to see you, Alfie.

0:20:17 > 0:20:21Boom! What time do you stop serving, Heather?

0:20:21 > 0:20:23Fraser, I quit my job at DIY Home Stores.

0:20:23 > 0:20:25Heather, you're fired! I knew you'd come back to me.

0:20:25 > 0:20:26Things got out of control.

0:20:26 > 0:20:29I got drunk on yeast and signed us up to the Baccalaureate

0:20:29 > 0:20:31and I don't even know what that is.

0:20:31 > 0:20:33Look, mate, you don't need to fire anyone.

0:20:33 > 0:20:34I'm just here for the prom.

0:20:34 > 0:20:36Alfie, they're playing Buble!

0:20:36 > 0:20:38Tune!

0:20:38 > 0:20:40# It's a new dawn It's a new day

0:20:40 > 0:20:43# It's a new life...

0:20:43 > 0:20:45# It's a new dawn

0:20:45 > 0:20:46# It's a new day

0:20:46 > 0:20:48# It's a new life

0:20:48 > 0:20:52# It's a new life for me

0:20:52 > 0:20:56# And I'm feeling...

0:20:56 > 0:20:58# Good. #

0:20:58 > 0:21:00It gives me great please-ure

0:21:00 > 0:21:03to announce the prom king and queen of Abbey Grove 2014.

0:21:03 > 0:21:05ALL: Ooh!

0:21:05 > 0:21:07The votes are in and the prom king and queen are...

0:21:08 > 0:21:10Grayson and Stephanie.

0:21:10 > 0:21:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:17 > 0:21:19I would like to thank Scherzi for teaching me

0:21:19 > 0:21:21that to be scher-mazing on the inside...

0:21:21 > 0:21:23You know, we could make this work.

0:21:25 > 0:21:28Us being a couple at Abbey Grove.

0:21:28 > 0:21:31But I don't want to risk it not working.

0:21:31 > 0:21:33I love you Rosie

0:21:33 > 0:21:35and I love teaching,

0:21:35 > 0:21:37but if I had to choose one,

0:21:37 > 0:21:38I'd choose you.

0:21:40 > 0:21:44But what if you don't have to choose?

0:21:44 > 0:21:46APPLAUSE

0:21:48 > 0:21:50Sir, it's the last song.

0:21:50 > 0:21:52Can we go say goodbye to our classroom?

0:21:52 > 0:21:54Go on! They need you.

0:21:59 > 0:22:01Another beer, sir?

0:22:01 > 0:22:03I better not. Don't want to set a bad example.

0:22:03 > 0:22:06I think it's a little bit too late for that.

0:22:06 > 0:22:07Go on, then.

0:22:09 > 0:22:11sir, we wanted to give you something.

0:22:11 > 0:22:13I know I've been dropping hints all term,

0:22:13 > 0:22:15but you haven't bought me a hot tub, have you?

0:22:15 > 0:22:17The best gifts aren't bought in a shop. They're home-made.

0:22:17 > 0:22:20- Eh...- We made you a slide show of photos.

0:22:20 > 0:22:23Oh, God! It's not like the last slide show you made for me?

0:22:23 > 0:22:25If it is, I will probably have to destroy it.

0:22:25 > 0:22:28No. It's of all of us, here at school.

0:22:28 > 0:22:30Thanks, guys. That means a lot.

0:22:33 > 0:22:34Oi, what you doing?

0:22:34 > 0:22:36Carving my initials, innit?

0:22:36 > 0:22:38- This isn't prison, babe.- I know!

0:22:39 > 0:22:43But I used to think school was like prison. I've been to 12 now...

0:22:45 > 0:22:47..and this is the first one I actually kinda like.

0:22:47 > 0:22:49If you like it, you could stay.

0:22:49 > 0:22:50Nice try, bruv!

0:22:50 > 0:22:52Sir, you know if you stayed a teacher,

0:22:52 > 0:22:54it would make it easier for us to come and visit you?

0:22:54 > 0:22:55I just don't think I can, Stephen.

0:22:55 > 0:22:58But you're the best teacher in the world, sir.

0:22:58 > 0:22:59If I'm so good, then how come

0:22:59 > 0:23:02my entire class are leaving after GCSEs?

0:23:02 > 0:23:05I think on paper that constitutes a pretty crap teacher.

0:23:05 > 0:23:10But school's not just about the tests and the exams and the grades.

0:23:10 > 0:23:13Yeah, on paper, we've probably had a terrible education.

0:23:13 > 0:23:15Our GCSE results are going to be rubbish.

0:23:15 > 0:23:16Hey, we don't know that.

0:23:18 > 0:23:21Yeah, I mean they're probably not going to be great.

0:23:21 > 0:23:23But none of that makes you a bad teacher.

0:23:23 > 0:23:27When I first came to this school, I sort of knew who I was,

0:23:27 > 0:23:29deep down, but I was scared of being that person.

0:23:29 > 0:23:30Stephanie?

0:23:30 > 0:23:35No, Stephen! The boy who does the splits in the canteen!

0:23:35 > 0:23:36The one-man Glee!

0:23:36 > 0:23:40I'll sing it from the rooftops. I am Stephen Carmichael.

0:23:40 > 0:23:42You made me not give a shit about this,

0:23:42 > 0:23:44even though my mum bollocked you

0:23:44 > 0:23:47when you made me play a tank in class wars.

0:23:47 > 0:23:49It was the first time that I actually thought

0:23:49 > 0:23:51having a chair was boss.

0:23:51 > 0:23:53Why do you think I flirted with you, sir?

0:23:53 > 0:23:56You're the first guy who actually liked me for who I was.

0:23:56 > 0:23:57The flirting was just because

0:23:57 > 0:24:00I didn't know how to handle being appreciated.

0:24:00 > 0:24:02You don't realise it, Alfie, but you're that teacher.

0:24:04 > 0:24:06The one who talks to us like we're adults.

0:24:06 > 0:24:08The one who always helps us, no matter what.

0:24:08 > 0:24:11You're the teacher that makes us feel good about ourselves

0:24:11 > 0:24:13for things that other people don't even notice.

0:24:13 > 0:24:16And...that's why you're the teacher we'll remember

0:24:16 > 0:24:18for the rest of our lives.

0:24:18 > 0:24:21And if you stopped being a teacher, then...

0:24:21 > 0:24:22I'd feel guilty for all the kids

0:24:22 > 0:24:24who never got to be taught by Alfie Wickers.

0:24:26 > 0:24:27Thanks, Joe.

0:24:28 > 0:24:29Thanks, all of you.

0:24:29 > 0:24:31MOBILE PINGS

0:24:33 > 0:24:34Got to go. Mum's here.

0:24:36 > 0:24:37Bye, sir.

0:24:52 > 0:24:55I never realised just how horrible that shade of yellow was.

0:25:02 > 0:25:03Thanks, sir.

0:25:09 > 0:25:10Safe, yeah?

0:25:10 > 0:25:12Done now.

0:25:16 > 0:25:18MOBILE PINGS

0:25:33 > 0:25:34See ya later, sir.

0:26:23 > 0:26:27# Oh, won't you stay with me?

0:26:29 > 0:26:33# Cos you're all I need

0:26:34 > 0:26:36# This ain't love

0:26:36 > 0:26:39# It's clear to see

0:26:40 > 0:26:44# But, darling, stay with me. #

0:27:08 > 0:27:10HE SOBS

0:27:42 > 0:27:43Bye.

0:27:48 > 0:27:51Yo, Alfredo! New term, new threads.

0:27:51 > 0:27:55Don't worry, this thing turns on a sixpence. I'm coming back for ya.

0:27:55 > 0:27:56Shit!