0:00:02 > 0:00:06MUSIC: I'm A Scatman by Scatman John
0:00:10 > 0:00:13APPLAUSE
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Hello, and welcome to Bad Language,
0:00:24 > 0:00:27the show all about everyday words, phrases and sayings.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Let's meet tonight's teams -
0:00:29 > 0:00:32with team captain Susan Calman it's Phill Jupitus...
0:00:32 > 0:00:35APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:41..and with captain Paul Sinha it's the lovely Lucy Porter!
0:00:41 > 0:00:43APPLAUSE
0:00:45 > 0:00:49We kick off with our first round, entitled Osama Bin Language...
0:00:49 > 0:00:50GUNFIRE
0:00:50 > 0:00:53..where we ask our teams to nominate a word or phrase
0:00:53 > 0:00:58that they think is a menace to society and should be taken out.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Then, our highly intellectual audience of scholars
0:01:01 > 0:01:03will decide which one should be removed permanently,
0:01:03 > 0:01:06yes, from conversation. Paul you're up first.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Which word or phrase would you like to see disappear?
0:01:09 > 0:01:13I'm going to bring some politics into the debate very early on.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Yeah. I'm going to go for the phrase "the silent majority".
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Now, I've done a bit of research for this show,
0:01:21 > 0:01:23knowing it was going to be filmed in Belfast -
0:01:23 > 0:01:25I've had a look at Northern Ireland politics,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28and it's quite clear that some people...
0:01:28 > 0:01:32LAUGHTER
0:01:34 > 0:01:36APPLAUSE
0:01:44 > 0:01:47What I was going to say is it's quite clear that some people
0:01:47 > 0:01:49have a very different opinion to other people.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51LAUGHTER
0:01:51 > 0:01:55I am a genius like that - and I've kind of worked it out,
0:01:55 > 0:01:56and that's fine,
0:01:56 > 0:02:01it should be healthy to debate with people with whom you disagree.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05There seems to be a very vexed debate in Northern Ireland
0:02:05 > 0:02:08about the issue of same-sex marriage. Now...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- AUDIENCE: Ooh! - Yeah!
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I am biased. I am...a gay man.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17I'm not in a relationship, I'd like to get married one day,
0:02:17 > 0:02:19but in the meantime, I've been travelling around Belfast
0:02:19 > 0:02:23ordering wedding cakes just to see the look of terror on their faces.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24LAUGHTER
0:02:24 > 0:02:26APPLAUSE
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Now, I don't mind if you disagree with the concept
0:02:31 > 0:02:34of same-sex marriage - it's fine, it's absolutely fine.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37What I don't like is when people say,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40"'No', and I'm speaking for the silent majority."
0:02:40 > 0:02:44The people who say that have never got the statistical analysis
0:02:44 > 0:02:47to back up the word "majority", and they're never silent.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51If you genuinely believe that you represent the silent majority,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- shut the- BLEEP- up. Then I might start to take you...
0:02:54 > 0:02:57APPLAUSE
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I have a gay daughter who is getting married -
0:03:00 > 0:03:02but the only problem I have with gay marriage,
0:03:02 > 0:03:05as the father of a gay daughter, is who pays?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07LAUGHTER
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Yeah.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Because... You know, you know, because...
0:03:17 > 0:03:21I'm going to be honest, I think that my one is a bit less butch, so...
0:03:21 > 0:03:23LAUGHTER
0:03:27 > 0:03:31So, I think, in my marriage, I am the butch one.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34I am 4"11 and a lady,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37and my husband Justin is 6"5 and a man,
0:03:37 > 0:03:39but he's my bitch, basically.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40LAUGHTER
0:03:40 > 0:03:47I like football and...and cars, and my husband enjoys musicals.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Sorry, what's his name?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53APPLAUSE
0:03:55 > 0:03:57In the bedroom it's like a ventriloquism act
0:03:57 > 0:04:00that's gone to a very dark place, to be fair...
0:04:00 > 0:04:02LAUGHTER
0:04:02 > 0:04:05You know, don't dwell on that, it's not...
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Remind me what your husband's name is.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- SUSAN:- Why?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11He's "just in".
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- Oh, oh, oh, Lucy!- Yeah.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- All right, it's all right... - I know Justin, he's a lovely man -
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- this is horrific! - No, don't think about that area.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22This has taken a very dark turn.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28OK, we go... OK, we go to Phill next.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Which word or phrase, Phill,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32which you like to see in the bin of bad language?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34"Big boned".
0:04:34 > 0:04:36LAUGHTER
0:04:37 > 0:04:38APPLAUSE
0:04:42 > 0:04:44You get home from school, you're about eight,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46and you go, "Mummy, the other kids call me fat."
0:04:46 > 0:04:48"You're not fat, love, you're big boned."
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Of course I'm fat!
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Keep it real - stop telling your kids,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55"You're not fat, you're big boned."
0:04:55 > 0:04:59Also, bones are not large, wobbly, blancmange-like substances.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03This - this isn't bone.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06It's muscle.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09APPLAUSE
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- So, what is the correct phrase? It's that I'm...- Fat!
0:05:13 > 0:05:17To be fair, you also have massive bones, looking at you.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20They are not being inaccurate, are they? You're a big guy.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- Well, that's... - Paul is an ex-doctor.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25That would be a great programme - the X Doctor!
0:05:27 > 0:05:30I think there's always a sign - you know you're overweight
0:05:30 > 0:05:32when the doctor takes your blood pressure
0:05:32 > 0:05:38and runs from the room screaming, saying, "He's going to blow!"
0:05:38 > 0:05:42But, for women, women get the "big boned" thing as well.
0:05:42 > 0:05:47I remember my gym teacher, cos I had to wear my hockey skirt undone,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50because I wasn't the slimmest of ladies, I'll be honest -
0:05:50 > 0:05:52I know, looking at me now, you'd never believe it,
0:05:52 > 0:05:53but I wasn't the slimmest.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56And I used to play hockey with my skirt half undone -
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- it's just, they were crazy days. - You slut.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:01 > 0:06:04HE SINGS STRIPPER MUSIC
0:06:04 > 0:06:05No, because nothing...
0:06:05 > 0:06:06"Is it time for hockey?!"
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Ba-ba-boom!
0:06:09 > 0:06:10APPLAUSE
0:06:10 > 0:06:13You do put on weight - like, when you get married,
0:06:13 > 0:06:14I remember a friend of mine telling me,
0:06:14 > 0:06:16when I got married, she said,
0:06:16 > 0:06:18"90% of people put on at least a stone in weight
0:06:18 > 0:06:19"during their first year of marriage,"
0:06:19 > 0:06:21and Justin and I laughed at the time
0:06:21 > 0:06:23and went, "That'll never happen to us, darling!"
0:06:23 > 0:06:25The first month we were married we managed 3st each,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28which is like someone had pulled a ripcord at the altar,
0:06:28 > 0:06:29I mean, we just went like...
0:06:29 > 0:06:32There is a very simple reason why married people put on weight -
0:06:32 > 0:06:34it's because when you're single, when you come in at night,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37you have a quick look at what's in the fridge, you go straight to bed -
0:06:37 > 0:06:39when you're married, you come in at night,
0:06:39 > 0:06:42have a quick look at what's in bed, go straight to the fridge, so...
0:06:42 > 0:06:44LAUGHTER
0:06:44 > 0:06:46APPLAUSE
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Lucy, where do we go from here?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- What is the word or phrase that you'd like to see?- Brrr!
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Well, now, what I'm going to do, I'm going to see you "big boned",
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Phill, and I'm going to raise you body fascism -
0:06:59 > 0:07:01I'm going to add sexism on top of that.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02ALL: Ooh!
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...
0:07:04 > 0:07:05"mumsy".
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Last year at the Edinburgh Festival I was doing a show,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10and I was reading a review that someone had written,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13and it was a five-star review, the kind we all dream of getting,
0:07:13 > 0:07:17where the reviewer said, "This wonderful show, amazing, superb..."
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Read through it, got to about halfway through it,
0:07:20 > 0:07:23and the guy had written, "The mumsy looking Porter..."
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Right?! I have never wiped my arse on a newspaper before, but I...
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- I...- You missed the five-star bit,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32though, you didn't wipe your arse on the five-star bit?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Oh, no, obviously I cut that out first, yes.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35I cut that out for the poster.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Because, to be honest, if you wiped your arse with five stars,
0:07:38 > 0:07:40that would be six stars.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41APPLAUSE
0:07:42 > 0:07:47The dictionary definition is "dowdy, unfashionable and unattractive",
0:07:47 > 0:07:50and you go, "Well, is that what being a mum makes you?"
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Is it something like you just become a nonsexual being?
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Because you look at mums, and you go -
0:07:54 > 0:07:57well, a mum, you could be talking about Angelina Jolie,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59you could be talking about the Queen.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01They're both filthy.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05But it is that thing... PHILL LAUGHS
0:08:05 > 0:08:08..you let yourself go - you do let yourself go a little bit, don't you?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10There's a moment where you just think...
0:08:10 > 0:08:12You know, you've got the dad bod,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15and I remember whenever we - just after we got married,
0:08:15 > 0:08:19I realised that I was settled, I was running down the beach,
0:08:19 > 0:08:22we were on holiday, and there was this girl coming the other way,
0:08:22 > 0:08:24and she had these little denim hot pants on, and a string bikini,
0:08:24 > 0:08:27and she was walking her dog, and she was throwing the stick,
0:08:27 > 0:08:29and I did that thing where I sucked in, you know?
0:08:29 > 0:08:33And I was running past her, and she gave me this big smile,
0:08:33 > 0:08:35and I looked back at her, and I went...
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- "BLEEP- I'd love a dog."
0:08:37 > 0:08:38LAUGHTER
0:08:40 > 0:08:42And that's...
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- You just know.- Yeah!
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- So, here's my input.- Yes.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50I'm not settled - I thought I was settled, I was going out with...
0:08:50 > 0:08:52I WAS batting above average, to be honest with you,
0:08:52 > 0:08:57and then he dumped me for the most insulting reason I could imagine.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59No, actually, it's not the most insulting reason,
0:08:59 > 0:09:01but he decided that he preferred women.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- That's a bit... - AUDIENCE GASPS
0:09:04 > 0:09:07All right, it was the most insulting reason - I take that back.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11That's a blow. I mean, I don't know how...
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Well, it's not a blow, if he prefers women.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16APPLAUSE
0:09:16 > 0:09:17Yeah, but...
0:09:17 > 0:09:19You're better than that, and you know you are.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- I know, I'm sorry, Phill! - How dare you?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25It was the Gary Lineker of comedy, I was two yards out...
0:09:25 > 0:09:27You don't have to hit it if it's teed up, Paddy.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31- It was going in, it was going in, Phill, I just...- Christ!- Oh, I know.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Oh, you goal hanger.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Is "Milf" an insult?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38If the reviewer had said to you,
0:09:38 > 0:09:40"Five stars, it's very Milfy comedy,"
0:09:40 > 0:09:42how would you have reacted to that?
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Hmm, being sexually objectified rather than sexually negated...
0:09:46 > 0:09:47- Hmm...- Yeah, love it.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- SUSAN:- Which would you rather?
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Oh, no, I'd like to be...
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Well...a PERSON I'd like to - a "Pilf" would be fine.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00I once... I swear, I was in a spa in Southern Ireland,
0:10:00 > 0:10:03and there was two women, "There goes that Father O'Reilly -
0:10:03 > 0:10:04"jeez, he's a Pilf."
0:10:04 > 0:10:06LAUGHTER
0:10:08 > 0:10:11So, finally, Susan, mm...
0:10:11 > 0:10:13what is the word or phrase that you would like?
0:10:13 > 0:10:17The phrase that I'd like binned is, "it's not rocket science".
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Because, fundamentally, only one thing IS rocket science,
0:10:23 > 0:10:26and that's rocket science.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Everyone knows how to do things in a particular way,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32so, if you said to me, "Take apart that car,"
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I'd say, "No, I can't,"
0:10:34 > 0:10:37and a mechanic would say, "It's not rocket science,"
0:10:37 > 0:10:38because they know how to do it.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42Because we all have our own knowledge and speciality subject.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44You know, if we were on Mastermind
0:10:44 > 0:10:46we would all have very different things.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48For me, it would be the television show Prime Suspect
0:10:48 > 0:10:51starring Helen Mirren, which I know off by heart,
0:10:51 > 0:10:55and often re-enact with my cats, that would be my specialist subject.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57For other people, it might be mechanics -
0:10:57 > 0:11:00and I think, by saying "it's not rocket science",
0:11:00 > 0:11:03you're saying to the other person, "You're a bit stupid,"
0:11:03 > 0:11:07and I just don't think that's a good way in life to be.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08If I said to you, "I'm a doctor,"
0:11:08 > 0:11:10just because I said I was a doctor...
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- PAUL:- Hello!
0:11:12 > 0:11:13- SUSAN:- Yes.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15I do think that I'm as qualified as a doctor,
0:11:15 > 0:11:17because I watch a lot of Casualty...
0:11:20 > 0:11:24..and I practice being defibbed on my floor.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26I practice because they don't have -
0:11:26 > 0:11:28as I understand it, there is no machine,
0:11:28 > 0:11:30that's the actors having to do it themselves...
0:11:30 > 0:11:32- Yes.- ..so, I practice being defibbed.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Well, have a lie-up and give us a go at that. What's...?
0:11:36 > 0:11:37How does this work?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39LUCY SINGS CASUALTY THEME
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Hang on, if I'm right... The first thing they do...
0:11:42 > 0:11:45This is a very strange episode of Dr Phil.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48They have these things called salmons, don't they?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51And they put one on the heart and one about there, at right angles...
0:11:51 > 0:11:55- Yeah.- ..and so, they put the paddles there and there...- Yeah.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- OK, clear!- Ooh!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59LAUGHTER
0:11:59 > 0:12:02APPLAUSE
0:12:02 > 0:12:03Clear!
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Agh!
0:12:10 > 0:12:14One, two, three!
0:12:14 > 0:12:15She's alive!
0:12:16 > 0:12:17She's alive!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23APPLAUSE
0:12:26 > 0:12:28This is going to be tricky, audience.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31You can only choose one by your enthusiasm and love.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34So, first up we have Paul's "silent majority".
0:12:34 > 0:12:36APPLAUSE
0:12:39 > 0:12:41The majority WERE silent!
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Many more people appreciated that than you think.
0:12:43 > 0:12:48Weirdly, though, maybe if they were silent he would have won.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49That's very true.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Let's try that again - "the silent majority".
0:12:52 > 0:12:54SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:13:01 > 0:13:03It's not rocket science.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04LAUGHTER
0:13:04 > 0:13:06AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Is it Phill's "big boned"?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13APPLAUSE
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Is it Lucy's "mumsy"?
0:13:19 > 0:13:20APPLAUSE
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Or Susan's "it's not rocket science"?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27APPLAUSE
0:13:29 > 0:13:31I can tell you that at the end of that,
0:13:31 > 0:13:34we declare Mr Phill Jupitus the winner.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37APPLAUSE
0:13:37 > 0:13:40And our next round is called I'll Get Me Quote,
0:13:40 > 0:13:42where regularity in some words of wisdom
0:13:42 > 0:13:44from bestselling celebrity authors.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47All they've got to do is work out who wrote what.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52Susan and Phill, you are up first, and here be your quote.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03That's the quote. Who do you think what wrote that?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Was it Kim Kardashian...
0:14:06 > 0:14:08..Paul Hollywood...
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Joey Essex...
0:14:10 > 0:14:12or Russell Brand?
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Who is Paul Hollywood?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- PAUL:- It's a show about cake that you've not watched.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- SUSAN:- It's...
0:14:18 > 0:14:19AUDIENCE: Whoo!
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- SUSAN:- Paul Hollywood is a bit of eye candy for some
0:14:25 > 0:14:30in The Great British Bake Off. And - do you know who Joey Essex is?
0:14:30 > 0:14:31No, I've met him.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33I was on a television show with him - I used to do a pop quiz,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36and he asked this question - we were talking about beetroot,
0:14:36 > 0:14:39and he looked at me and went, "Isn't that extinct?"
0:14:39 > 0:14:40LAUGHTER
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Now, I actually think he fakes being dumb,
0:14:44 > 0:14:46because the boy is a millionaire.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I think he's not university bright,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50but he deliberately says dumb things,
0:14:50 > 0:14:52because they get quoted and people talk about him all the time.
0:14:52 > 0:14:57- Yes.- It gives him this weird kind of anti-notoriety.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I can hear - he would say like this, all right? He would go...
0:15:00 > 0:15:02HE READS IN ESSEX ACCENT
0:15:04 > 0:15:05LAUGHTER
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- Russell Brand... - Russell Brand, I know him.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- Now, I... My only experience of Russell Brand...- Uh-huh.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20..was I was booked last minute, I think it's fair to say,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22to be his tour support.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25I walked on, and someone mistakenly said,
0:15:25 > 0:15:29"Ladies and gentlemen, Russell Brand," before I came on,
0:15:29 > 0:15:30so I walked onto everyone going,
0:15:30 > 0:15:33"Ohh, it's Russell Brand, it's Russell Brand!
0:15:33 > 0:15:36"Why the fuck is Jimmy Krankie on my stage?!"
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- The lady...- Kim Kardashian.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- ..is a baddy on Star Trek, that much I do know.- Yes.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Is that... Is that Photoshop, or is that actually her?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- No, that's her arse.- Amazing!- Yeah.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50When you're normal, you want a smaller arse,
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- and when you're famous, you want a bigger arse.- Hmm.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57And people pay to have implants in their arse,
0:15:57 > 0:15:59to have bigger arses...
0:15:59 > 0:16:02I simply sit down a lot.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04APPLAUSE
0:16:07 > 0:16:10So... "I've had jeans that were way too tight."
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Now, this may just be me, Phill, and you can help me...- OK.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16..but I think that sounds like a boy.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20A lady would never take their jeans off in the middle of the street
0:16:20 > 0:16:21because they were too tight.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23I think it's probably Joey Essex.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- Lucy and Paul, what we think about this?- Well...
0:16:26 > 0:16:29It's not Russell Brand and Joey Essex's fault
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- that they are now seen as political gurus.- Yes.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35This is the thing that really disturbed me in the 2015 election -
0:16:35 > 0:16:39it's how people were interviewed who were more famous for being famous
0:16:39 > 0:16:40than they were for politics.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Well, the last thing you want to do is just hang around with someone
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- who is famous for being famous, Paul. - Aah!- Who's that, Paul?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Er...
0:16:48 > 0:16:50LAUGHTER
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Oh, my God, oh, my God,
0:16:51 > 0:16:54is he the one that you turned straight?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56LAUGHTER
0:16:56 > 0:16:58APPLAUSE
0:17:00 > 0:17:02He looks more pleased than you do to be there.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05He looks more brown than I do, that's what...
0:17:05 > 0:17:06LAUGHTER
0:17:06 > 0:17:10So, have we got any thoughts on this?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I think it might be Russell...
0:17:12 > 0:17:14If anybody is going to feel quite free
0:17:14 > 0:17:17to talk about talking their jeans off in the street,
0:17:17 > 0:17:18it's possibly him.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22- He was probably just getting ready to shag someone.- Yeah, exactly.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I think we ought to go for Russell Brand,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- and tried to nick a point off them. - Yeah.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28- So, you guys are going for...? - Joey Essex.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32I can tell you that the correct answer is...
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- Joey Essex.- Yes!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36APPLAUSE
0:17:36 > 0:17:41OK, Paul and Lucy, you're next - here's your quote...
0:17:54 > 0:17:56..but who wrote that?
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Was it George Michael...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Alan Sugar...
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Cara Delevingne...
0:18:00 > 0:18:01or Carol Vorderman?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Well, it's not George Michael,
0:18:03 > 0:18:05cos he can't even tie his shoes together
0:18:05 > 0:18:08without crashing a car into a shop window, so...
0:18:08 > 0:18:11I don't think he'd make such an outlandish claim
0:18:11 > 0:18:14as to his abilities in other areas.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- I...- No.- I don't think Alan Sugar can do calculus.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20It's quite difficult, and he's not a bright man...
0:18:20 > 0:18:21He's a powerful man,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24but he doesn't come across as intellectually powerful.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Sugar can point and talk at the same time,
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Vorderman - maths and arses,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Michael - songs, bad driving,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Delevingne - eyebrows and all the other things.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39Hang on a second - Carol Vorderman did maths at university,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41she wouldn't boast that she could do calculus,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44she should have been able to do calculus from a very young age.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- I think it's Cara Delevingne... - Cara Lovely-Eyebrows.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50..the reason being that supermodels have a reputation
0:18:50 > 0:18:51for not having any other talents -
0:18:51 > 0:18:55a reputation based on an analysis of the life of Naomi Campbell...
0:18:55 > 0:18:57LAUGHTER
0:18:57 > 0:19:02..and so she's trying to buck that trend, and say, "Yes, I might be,
0:19:02 > 0:19:07"I think, the second best-earning supermodel in the world behind..."
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- Gisele.- "..Gisele Bundchen,
0:19:09 > 0:19:12"but I have a lot of other talents as well."
0:19:12 > 0:19:16I remember having Naomi Campbell on a chat show here in Belfast -
0:19:16 > 0:19:18it was about the time of the Garvaghy Road -
0:19:18 > 0:19:20and... LAUGHTER
0:19:20 > 0:19:24- Which way is this going?! - ..and her agent actually rang up
0:19:24 > 0:19:28and said that Naomi wanted a police escort from the airport,
0:19:28 > 0:19:31and police protection while she was in Belfast,
0:19:31 > 0:19:34so we forwarded the request to the Chief Constable
0:19:34 > 0:19:37and the Chief Constable wrote back and said,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40"If Naomi would like to lead the parade up the Garvaghy Road..."
0:19:40 > 0:19:42LAUGHTER
0:19:42 > 0:19:44APPLAUSE
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Yeah, I'm happy to go with Cara Delevingne.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50I mean, she's an actor, she is a very good actor, and...
0:19:50 > 0:19:51- let's go for her.- Yeah.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- You're going for...? - Cara Delevingne.- Cara Delevingne.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58- Guys?- Alan Sugar prides himself on - if you watch The Apprentice -
0:19:58 > 0:20:01"I'll call... You know, I'm just a guy from the street..."
0:20:01 > 0:20:03That's my impression, thank you, you're very welcome.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07- So, I don't think he would boast about qualifications.- Mm.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- He prefers to say, "I just worked my way up."- Yeah.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- You know, and so I don't think... - A bit like Lucy and her old man.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15LAUGHTER
0:20:18 > 0:20:19So...
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Yes, we're going to go for Carol Vorderman, I think.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25OK, so, you're going for the Vorderman -
0:20:25 > 0:20:27you're going for Cara Delevingne.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29I can tell you that the correct answer is...
0:20:29 > 0:20:30ALL GASP
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- ..Alan Sugar! - Oh...- Sugar.- No way!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Alan Sugar, yeah.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Jeez!
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Now, as we know, language can be used for both good and evil,
0:20:39 > 0:20:40to inspire and seduce,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43or to make us buy useless crap from the Home Shopping Channel
0:20:43 > 0:20:46when we come in pissed from the pub, and in our next round,
0:20:46 > 0:20:49we ask our teams to abandon the need of truth
0:20:49 > 0:20:52and embrace the language of advertising
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- to sell us a genuine item.- OK.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56First up...
0:20:56 > 0:20:57BUZZER SOUNDS Hang on!
0:20:57 > 0:20:59LAUGHTER Oh, sorry, that was me!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01BUZZER SOUNDS
0:21:03 > 0:21:05I was actually bending under the desk,
0:21:05 > 0:21:08I was thinking, "Who's buzzing in now?!"
0:21:11 > 0:21:13What kind of hellish quiz gives the host a buzzer?
0:21:13 > 0:21:17- I know!- How egocentric are you?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19- BUZZER - "I know! I know!
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- "I have- BLEEP!"
0:21:23 > 0:21:25BUZZER
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- "BLEEP- Alan Sugar, you- BLEEP- idiot."
0:21:29 > 0:21:31BUZZER
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- "We'll be here all- BLEEP- night."
0:21:36 > 0:21:38BUZZER
0:21:41 > 0:21:45First up it is Susan and Phill, and here is your item.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- OK.- Here it is.- Oh, lordy.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51- Wow.- Wow.- Wow.- If you get one right, buzz in - point for each.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53If you make it right the way through without them
0:21:53 > 0:21:56predicting any of your words, we'll give you a bonus point.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Lucy and Paul writing frantically!
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Feel free to put your pens down roughly any time now.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03- And you're done.- OK.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07- Over to Phill and Susan. - Thank you, Patrick!- Thanks so much!
0:22:07 > 0:22:12- Oh, isn't he lovely?- Oh, lovely. - He's lovely, isn't he, Susan?
0:22:12 > 0:22:17- He's so...- We love it when Paddy's on, don't we?- He's so good!
0:22:17 > 0:22:21I very much enjoyed Paddy's Diamonique Week.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25It's a very, very special week that we're having,
0:22:25 > 0:22:31because it's items for the young mothers watching, isn't it, Susan?
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Yes!
0:22:33 > 0:22:36LAUGHTER
0:22:36 > 0:22:40You know those awkward moments where your breast is full of milk...
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Do I?!
0:22:43 > 0:22:48..but you have not yet spawned the child,
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- and you wish to practise the suckling?- That's right!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54You can't just suckle a baby without any practice,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56can you, Susan?!
0:22:56 > 0:23:02This item allows me to gently insert my nipple
0:23:02 > 0:23:07into the mouth of this training receptacle
0:23:07 > 0:23:12If you're unfortunate enough to have an inverted nipple,
0:23:12 > 0:23:18this chimera comes with a delicious set of claws,
0:23:18 > 0:23:22and so, by revolving it on the breast,
0:23:22 > 0:23:28it can turn the most inward nipple out in a trice.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29We only have two left,
0:23:29 > 0:23:33and one of them has had my nipple in it.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Call us now.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39If you like, Susan will sign the back
0:23:39 > 0:23:43of the one that she's had her nipple in -
0:23:43 > 0:23:45which would increase the value,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- wouldn't it, Susan?!- It would!
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Call us now, OK?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54APPLAUSE
0:23:55 > 0:23:59OK, next it is Paul and Lucy,
0:23:59 > 0:24:03and here is your item.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- This is a genuine item...- Beautiful. - ..that can be purchased
0:24:06 > 0:24:09on the internet, or in the back of the newspaper.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12As you prepare to give us your best sales pitch,
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Susan and Phill are writing down the words that they think you will use
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- in the sales pitch. Are you ready, Luce?- Yes, indeed.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Stop writing!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Stop!
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- So many words!- Wow.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- That's a lot of words.- Lot of words. - Here we go.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32The... LAUGHTER
0:24:33 > 0:24:36How have they done that?!
0:24:36 > 0:24:37And...
0:24:37 > 0:24:39- off you go.- Well.
0:24:39 > 0:24:44As we all know, this nation is becoming increasingly multicultural.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48And as a result of that, weddings between communities
0:24:48 > 0:24:51have gone up exponentially.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I even read in the Belfast Telegraph of a man from Antrim
0:24:54 > 0:24:56marrying a woman from Tyrone, that is how...
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- ..multicultural... - MAN IN AUDIENCE:- Never!
0:25:00 > 0:25:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:08 > 0:25:11It's always fantastic when true love blossoms
0:25:11 > 0:25:16into the celebration of nuptials that is a contemporary wedding.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20The problem being that you have to have a wedding-cake topper
0:25:20 > 0:25:24that represents both communities.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- Lucia!- Si! Grazia!
0:25:27 > 0:25:30I am the Italian bride,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32and I marry the English man.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Yeah, it's unlikely.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39I might just drop the accent.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- Yeah.- As you've dropped the accent, I'm going to go into my...
0:25:42 > 0:25:44er, accent.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46- STEREOTYPICAL INDIAN ACCENT: - Hello there.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48LAUGHTER
0:25:48 > 0:25:50I was worried mine was racist, but this is good.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54My name is Paul Sinha, and as you can tell from my accent, I am Welsh.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55BUZZER
0:25:55 > 0:25:58I find that offensive.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00LAUGHTER
0:26:00 > 0:26:05Er...no, seriously, I am obviously what a classic Brit looks like,
0:26:05 > 0:26:07I have a drink problem and...
0:26:07 > 0:26:08BUZZER
0:26:08 > 0:26:10No!
0:26:10 > 0:26:11Wow.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14And we wanted something on the wedding cake
0:26:14 > 0:26:17that celebrates both cultures.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18And it is as simple at that.
0:26:18 > 0:26:23This is the number-one item for Britalian weddings -
0:26:23 > 0:26:27- ooh!- Nice.- Britalian weddings, and it's yours for a bargain price...
0:26:27 > 0:26:28BUZZER
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Oh, no!
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Of?
0:26:31 > 0:26:3440...liras.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - In old money!
0:26:41 > 0:26:43You got "me".
0:26:43 > 0:26:47- "Bile"?- No, it's meant to say "bike".
0:26:47 > 0:26:51But I just got excited and missed out some letters.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- "Sex toy".- "Sex toy".
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Sex toy. Yeah, we can see how you...
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Well, you could roll it.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03No!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05LAUGHTER
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Let's just see how this works.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09No, no, no! No, no, no!
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Wait, wait...wait!
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Wait, wait!
0:27:16 > 0:27:17Wait. And...
0:27:17 > 0:27:19- go.- No, no, no, no, no!
0:27:19 > 0:27:21It's nice, isn't it?
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Oh, yeah.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25- Bit more, bit more.- No! No!
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- It's pretty good.- I think we've found a better use for it
0:27:31 > 0:27:33than a cake decoration, I have to say.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35APPLAUSE
0:27:35 > 0:27:38And that means that tonight's winners are Susan and Phill!
0:27:38 > 0:27:41APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:41 > 0:27:46Commiserations, well played, to Lucy and to Paul.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Before we go, if you think you've used some bad language in your time,
0:27:50 > 0:27:54remember, it could be a lot worse, with bad language like this.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56PATRICK READS MESSAGE IN "AMERICAN" ACCENT
0:28:11 > 0:28:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:17 > 0:28:18That's all we've got time for.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22Big thanks to tonight's teams - Susan Calman, Phill Jupitus,
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Paul Sinha and Lucy Porter.
0:28:24 > 0:28:25I'm Patrick Kielty - goodnight!