0:00:02 > 0:00:04MUSIC: Scatman (Ski Ba Bop Ba Dop Bop) by Scatman John
0:00:10 > 0:00:13CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Hello, and welcome to Bad Language,
0:00:27 > 0:00:31the show all about everyday words, phrases and sayings,
0:00:31 > 0:00:32but don't panic, I'm in charge,
0:00:32 > 0:00:36so it will be less dictionary corner and more Alphabetti spaghetti.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Helping me eat my words this evening,
0:00:39 > 0:00:42we have team captain, Susan Calman, and Des Clarke.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:45 > 0:00:49And with team captain, Paul Sinha, it is Marcus Brigstocke.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:54We kick off with our first round,
0:00:54 > 0:00:57entitled Osama bin Language... GUNSHOTS FIRE
0:00:57 > 0:01:00..where we ask our teams to nominate a word or a phrase
0:01:00 > 0:01:04that they think is a menace to society and should be taken out.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Then our highly intellectual audience will decide...
0:01:08 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER ..which one should be removed
0:01:11 > 0:01:12permanently from conversation.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Paul, you're up first -
0:01:14 > 0:01:16what word or phrase would you like to see binned?
0:01:16 > 0:01:17This one really gets me annoyed.
0:01:17 > 0:01:22The phrase is 'ordinary hard-working families',
0:01:22 > 0:01:26the specific context being MPs that try and convince you
0:01:26 > 0:01:28they're with the people by saying,
0:01:28 > 0:01:32"We're just trying to work for ordinary hard-working families."
0:01:32 > 0:01:34If you want to gain people's popularity,
0:01:34 > 0:01:35don't call them ordinary -
0:01:35 > 0:01:37there's no such thing as ordinary.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40My family is extraordinary, all of our families are extraordinary,
0:01:40 > 0:01:42everybody in this room is extraordinary.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43We're all miracles.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Think of the number of things our mum and dad could have done
0:01:46 > 0:01:50instead of creating us all those years ago.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52We are all a one-in-a-million chance.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55I could never call my family ordinary.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56I mean, they inspired me to become a doctor.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59My great-grandad was a doctor, my grandad was a doctor,
0:01:59 > 0:02:02my dad is a doctor, my mum, a massive fan of Holby City.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- They... - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:08 > 0:02:10The last thing I would ever do is look at them
0:02:10 > 0:02:12and go, "You're ordinary."
0:02:12 > 0:02:16They travelled thousands of miles from Calcutta to London
0:02:16 > 0:02:18to make a better life for themselves,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21and they had, you know, years later...
0:02:21 > 0:02:24I came out of the closet to my parents...
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I'm gay - it wasn't a practical joke.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28I came out of the closet to my parents,
0:02:28 > 0:02:31and I was expecting devastation and rejection.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Instead, they're trying to arrange me a husband.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- So it's... - LAUGHTER
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- Everybody's... - APPLAUSE
0:02:39 > 0:02:41And then there is families.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43I've got no intention of having children at all.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Do you where we end up, people who can't start families?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49At a wedding, on that table that's called miscellaneous.
0:02:49 > 0:02:5312 people sat around who have no idea who each other are -
0:02:53 > 0:02:55that is where we end up being.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57I'm a veteran of that table because they think it's funny
0:02:57 > 0:03:00to have me sat next to the other gay man at the wedding,
0:03:00 > 0:03:02and we never have anything in common.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04It's always me who has to break the ice
0:03:04 > 0:03:07by praising him on conducting such a beautiful service.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Thanks, Paul.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17So, Susan, which word or phrase
0:03:17 > 0:03:20would you like to see in the bin of Bad Language?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23The phrase I'd like to see in the bin of Bad Language
0:03:23 > 0:03:28is 'Isn't he/she a character?'
0:03:28 > 0:03:32The reason for that is it is used frequently by parents
0:03:32 > 0:03:35to excuse the behaviour of their children.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Like, on the quiet coach of a train,
0:03:39 > 0:03:43feral children are climbing all over you, touching you, right?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45They're climbing, and you look at the parent
0:03:45 > 0:03:47with a kind of a..."Erm..."
0:03:47 > 0:03:51And they go, "Oh, isn't she a wee character?"
0:03:51 > 0:03:53"No, she's a psychopath."
0:03:53 > 0:03:56LAUGHTER
0:03:56 > 0:03:57And then they're running
0:03:57 > 0:04:01and watching Peppa Pig with no headphones.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06I have chosen never to see Peppa Pig in my life,
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- but I know Peppa Pig... - That's you and David Cameron.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- Yeah! - LAUGHTER
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- That's true. - Just straight out with this.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17We always watch it. Context has changed.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I've got children,
0:04:19 > 0:04:24and I use my children to shame other children in public.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26- Cos they're well-behaved? - Not always.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Sometimes you can undermine other children
0:04:28 > 0:04:30by deploying your own.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32LAUGHTER
0:04:32 > 0:04:34My son's a good farter, for example.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38I'll get him to move near to a girl, fart
0:04:38 > 0:04:40and move away, and then we'll all point at her.
0:04:40 > 0:04:45- LAUGHTER - Can he fart on demand?- Yeah.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49What he can't do is not fart on demand.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52It's basically, it's that Irish... With the Irish thing for it is,
0:04:52 > 0:04:54"Oh, Jesus, your man's great craic."
0:04:54 > 0:04:56- Yeah.- It's kind of, you know,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Irish people could spend a weekend with Pete Doherty or anybody at all,
0:04:59 > 0:05:00at the end of it go,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03"Oh, well know, like, your man, Pete Doherty,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06"like, he takes a drink - he's good craic."
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- And he likes good crack as well. - And does like good crack.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12That's like my childhood.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15My mum's from Donegal and my dad is from Louth,
0:05:15 > 0:05:18so I'm lucky to be alive, to be honest with you.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21But also, I think that parents have a duty
0:05:21 > 0:05:24to try and toughen you up.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26So, this character thing, I think you're right -
0:05:26 > 0:05:28it's softening the blow.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30If you're a wee shite,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I think you need to know that early doors.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- LAUGHTER - Hang on...
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Am I the only parent on this panel?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- Have any of you... Have you got kids?- No.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- I'm the only one with kids?- Yeah.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- I don't. I could get some, but... - LAUGHTER
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I wasn't...
0:05:47 > 0:05:49I wasn't shopping.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51OK, Marcus, what word or phrase
0:05:51 > 0:05:54would you like to see banished from the language?
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Well, now, this is a bit tricky.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58I might have made a terrible error here,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00because the word I'd really like to see banished
0:06:00 > 0:06:03is overuse of the word yourself,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06and we're recording this in Northern Ireland.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09But what it is, right...
0:06:09 > 0:06:13someone told someone in service a few years ago
0:06:13 > 0:06:15to use 'yourself' instead of 'you'
0:06:15 > 0:06:17because it's more polite or something.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20So, you end up with a load of bollocks that makes no sense at all.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23"Would yourself like a beverage for yourself?"
0:06:23 > 0:06:24And it doesn't mean anything.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26What they mean is, "Would you like a drink?"
0:06:26 > 0:06:28"Yes, I would like a drink."
0:06:28 > 0:06:29They end up with this garbled stuff,
0:06:29 > 0:06:34this overuse of words that people assume are sort of posh or better.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Like on a train when they'll say, "Alight from the train."
0:06:37 > 0:06:38No-one alights from it.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41You get on, you get off - that's it. You don't alight from the train.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43So, 'yourself' is the one,
0:06:43 > 0:06:47but I'm well aware that I have misjudged this MASSIVELY.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49LAUGHTER
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I've pretty much built my career on that.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55So, this whole notion of 'yourself' -
0:06:55 > 0:06:58is this something that you agree with, Des, or...?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- No, I like it.- Mm?
0:07:00 > 0:07:01I think it's good,
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- cos if it's not yourself, it might be somebody else.- Mm.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- LAUGHTER - But what's wrong with 'you'?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10I don't mean what's wrong with you. I mean what's wrong with 'you'?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- How long have we got? - Would you like a drink?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14A drink, a drink - not beverage, as well.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Who do you know who has a beverage?
0:07:16 > 0:07:17Wankers.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Wankers have beverages - people have drinks.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Says the man who brought camomile tea onto the stage.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:25 > 0:07:26We've got to show this.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- This is what Marcus has brought out. - This is, in fairness...
0:07:29 > 0:07:31No, that is a camomile tea.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35There's the posh English team versus the scummy Glaswegians.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- We've got lager. - (BLEEP!)- yous, all right?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39LAUGHTER
0:07:39 > 0:07:41And then I said I'd like a proper tea,
0:07:41 > 0:07:44and they've brought me a Barry's... but just the bag...
0:07:46 > 0:07:50..to presumably put in my mouth and suck what goodness I can out of it.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Don't you think, though, that...
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I didn't know that was a teabag - I thought she'd given him a condom.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56I did as well.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:00 > 0:08:02You see, in Ireland, it's a different thing, isn't it?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Because we have that thing of, 'it's yourself', isn't it?
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Is that a Scottish thing?
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Or, "Oh, Jesus, it's yourself."
0:08:08 > 0:08:10"You're looking awful like yourself."
0:08:10 > 0:08:12LAUGHTER That's...
0:08:12 > 0:08:14That's another one that...
0:08:14 > 0:08:15You're looking like yourself?
0:08:15 > 0:08:19Yeah, in Dundrum, where I'm from, like, people will say to you,
0:08:19 > 0:08:22"Oh, jeez, Des, you're looking awful like yourself."
0:08:23 > 0:08:26You see, I take that as an insult.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27I wouldn't...
0:08:27 > 0:08:30"You're looking like yourself." "How dare you. I'm not."
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- But it's quite... - Yeah, you do get told,
0:08:32 > 0:08:33"Oh, you don't look yourself today."
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- You think, "Well, who the- (BLEEP!) - do I look like?"
0:08:36 > 0:08:38It's quite tricky, though.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40You go to America, and there's stuff you can say here
0:08:40 > 0:08:42- and there is stuff you can't say in America.- Yeah.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45You know, like, in Ireland, you can say
0:08:45 > 0:08:46"Jeez, you're looking awful like yourself,"
0:08:46 > 0:08:48but, in Beverly Hills,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50you can't say to anybody that they look like themselves.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - You really can't.- You really can't.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01It's... It really does depend on where you are in the country.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03So, for example, in Scotland - and possibly here -
0:09:03 > 0:09:07we use the word wee a lot. "She's a wee lassie."
0:09:07 > 0:09:08I love the word wee.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12I think the word wee is one of the nicest little words that we have.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Well, if you're in Glasgow, and you're in a hotel room at night
0:09:14 > 0:09:16and you go, "Can you get me that wee prostitute?"
0:09:18 > 0:09:21What a speciality type of prostitute I'd be.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Very definitely the Jimmy Krankie type.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Pay extra and I'll sit on your knee.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27AUDIENCE GROAN AND LAUGH
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I remember being in a hotel room one night and I was quite drunk...
0:09:30 > 0:09:33It's well before I was married. And...
0:09:33 > 0:09:35LAUGHTER
0:09:35 > 0:09:38I realise I've started something here I didn't...
0:09:38 > 0:09:40And, you know, I was on...
0:09:40 > 0:09:43You know, I was googling vintage cars, and...
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- And you found an Escort? - ..and Escorts came up.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:51 > 0:09:52And I remember thinking...
0:09:52 > 0:09:55It was in Las Vegas, and, you know, prostitution's legal,
0:09:55 > 0:09:57so, you know, I thought, if it's legal it can't be immoral...
0:09:57 > 0:09:59BUZZER RINGS Oh!
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Sorry, you've just pressed the whore button.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05LAUGHTER
0:10:05 > 0:10:07And so I picked up the phone at the side of the bed
0:10:07 > 0:10:09and I rang the number, and I said,
0:10:09 > 0:10:11"I'm looking for your two Russian twins, Misty and Crystal.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13"I like the whips and the chains
0:10:13 > 0:10:15"and a bit of girl on boy and boy on girl
0:10:15 > 0:10:17"and girls who like boys and boys who like girls.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20"I've got 500 bucks left. Can they be here in half an hour?"
0:10:20 > 0:10:22And the voice at the end of the phone said,
0:10:22 > 0:10:24"I don't think that'll be a problem, Mr Kielty,
0:10:24 > 0:10:26"but you do need 9 for an outside line."
0:10:26 > 0:10:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:31 > 0:10:35OK, Des, what word or phrase would you like to see got rid of and why?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37It's the phrase 'glorious failure'.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40I'm in the right country, I think, to talk about this.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42My nation of Scotland and this fine nation of Northern Ireland
0:10:42 > 0:10:44knows all about glorious failure.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49It's a term that's come to describe everything we do in sport ever.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Now, what it's come to suggest is
0:10:51 > 0:10:53that it's all right to be bad at things.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56You know, "Well done, you did all right, but you lost."
0:10:56 > 0:10:58It's celebrating failure,
0:10:58 > 0:11:02and it's now coming to life in all sorts of shapes and forms.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Like, for Scotland, the football team,
0:11:04 > 0:11:06they get beat, but they play well.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Like, they played against Brazil and played well,
0:11:08 > 0:11:10cos they always do against the good teams
0:11:10 > 0:11:12and just get beat at the last minute.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14I was at the game. There was actually an incident during it
0:11:14 > 0:11:16where we, the Tartan Army, the Scotland fans
0:11:16 > 0:11:19were accused, falsely, of racism
0:11:19 > 0:11:22cos somebody in the crowd threw a banana at a Brazil player.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24It was proved a lot of nonsense cos the very idea that
0:11:24 > 0:11:27somebody from Scotland would buy fruit is ridiculous, right?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Before Andy Murray, we won nothing.- Nothing.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Like, when we got the Commonwealth Games,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38I thought, "Oh, here we go."
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I think we only got given those games cos they turned up in Glasgow,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43saw all of us walking about in tracksuits
0:11:43 > 0:11:45and thought, "Oh, they must be sporty." Well...
0:11:45 > 0:11:46But it flips, doesn't it?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Cos you mentioned Andy Murray there, right?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51And I remember, I was in Scotland during the 2012 Olympics
0:11:51 > 0:11:55when Andy Murray played two Olympic finals in one day.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57And in the mixed doubles they got silver,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00and in the singles heat, he won the gold, and it was amazing.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02And I watched it on the Scottish news - it was fantastic.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:- "A tremendous day for Andy Murray today
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- "who took gold for Scotland and silver for Team GB."- Yes!
0:12:08 > 0:12:12- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - It was brilliant, it was brilliant.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I have actually witnessed, with my own eyes, a glorious failure.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18It happened about a year and a half ago,
0:12:18 > 0:12:20and it happened on an episode of Celebrity Chase
0:12:20 > 0:12:23where this really, really good player
0:12:23 > 0:12:24came and took a higher offer
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- and their team scored 21... - That's right.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31..but for some reason, I was just on form that day,
0:12:31 > 0:12:34and I caught up with them with about ten seconds to go
0:12:34 > 0:12:38- and stopped charity...- That's right. - ..from earning £100,000.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40- AUDIENCE:- Oh... - Do you know how that made me feel?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- Like a king. - And I'm really sorry, Marcus.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Who was on that episode? Oh, yeah, that's right, it was me.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- What was the charity?- Oh, it doesn't matter now - they've gone under.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- Actually... Do you know what? - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Do you know what? They genuinely have - it was Kids Company.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56It's very tricky, though, isn't it?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58To come to Belfast,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01a place that actually built a boat that didn't get there,
0:13:01 > 0:13:06- and we built...a museum...- Yeah! - ..and visitor centre too.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09We are the epitome of glorious failure.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- It nearly got there. - It did nearly get there, yeah.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14It was all right when it left us, without any...
0:13:14 > 0:13:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:21 > 0:13:22So, it is time to vote.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24It is over to you,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26our handsome yet intelligent studio audience
0:13:26 > 0:13:29to decide which word or phrase goes into the bin of Bad Language.
0:13:29 > 0:13:34So, is it, 'Isn't he/she character?'
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- Oh, I got nothing. - MUTED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Is it 'yourself', Marcus?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43INCREASED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:13:43 > 0:13:46They're harsh tonight, I'll tell you that.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Is it 'glorious failure' from Des?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51FURTHER MUTED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Let's hope... LAUGHTER
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Wouldn't it have been brilliant if they just went,
0:13:59 > 0:14:01"No, don't fancy any of those."
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Is it Paul's 'ordinary hard-working families'?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Well played.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Our next round is called I'll Get Me Quote,
0:14:14 > 0:14:16where we give our team some words of wisdom
0:14:16 > 0:14:18from bestselling celebrity authors.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22All they have to do is work out who wrote what.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Paul and Marcus, you're going first, and here's your quote.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Who is it?
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Jeremy Corbyn,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Jeremy Clarkson,
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Sarah Palin
0:14:38 > 0:14:39or Mel Gibson?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42I can't see Jeremy Corbyn suggesting
0:14:42 > 0:14:45that we should conquer France, really.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I mean, he has got some brilliantly insane ideas.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52One of the things he wants to do is reopen a lot of the coal mines,
0:14:52 > 0:14:55including ones that've been flooded.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56And I was talking to some Welsh guys,
0:14:56 > 0:14:58in a mining town, and they were like...
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- IN WELSH ACCENT: - "Yeah, we were dead proud of
0:15:00 > 0:15:02"what we did as a mining community, you know?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05"But I'm a strong swimmer, but frankly, fuck that."
0:15:05 > 0:15:07And you can't blame them. So, I can't...
0:15:07 > 0:15:08He's got some mad ideas,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- but I don't think he'd want to conquer France.- No.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15I'm not sure Sarah Palin would be aware that France is a thing.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18LAUGHTER
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Palin is...wonderful.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22She's a wonderful...
0:15:22 > 0:15:28Well, she had her own calendar where she posed with rifles and stuff.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31We would never have that in British politics. And...
0:15:31 > 0:15:32- I think we've had it here.- Yeah.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:39 > 0:15:41The French are funny - that's the other thing.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44British people think the French have no sense of humour -
0:15:44 > 0:15:45they are hilarious.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48You know the French wrote the European Constitution?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51And then voted no on it.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54I mean, how funny is that? Every page... It's true.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55They came up with it,
0:15:55 > 0:15:58and every page was skewed in favour of the French economy,
0:15:58 > 0:15:59and then they put it to the French people,
0:15:59 > 0:16:01- and they went, "Non!" - HE CACKLES
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- IN FRENCH ACCENT: - We are crazy people.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05What do we think, Paul?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Well, it's between Palin and Clarkson, I think. Go on.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I think it's Jeremy Clarkson.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I think someone bought him a croissant and it was cold,
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- and he said... - LAUGHTER
0:16:14 > 0:16:16"My gut reaction is we must at least consider
0:16:16 > 0:16:18"the possibility of conquering France."
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Either that or he couldn't figure out
0:16:20 > 0:16:22the central locking system on a Citroen.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24LAUGHTER
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- Er, guys?- I think it's Palin. - Yeah.- OK.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34I can tell you that the person who wrote that quote was...
0:16:35 > 0:16:37- Ah...- Jeremy Clarkson. There we go.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Well done, Paul. Well done, Marcus.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Susan and Des, here comes your quote.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56So, who said that?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Was it Gregg Wallace...
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Justin Bieber...
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Lance Armstrong...
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- or Katie Hopkins.- Oh!- Eurgh! - AUDIENCE:- Ooh...
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- LAUGHTER - Yeah...
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- Let's start with Katie Hopkins...- OK.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12..cos her track record is
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- essentially to insult people, isn't it?- Mm-hm.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16In order to get paid for work.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- That's how she makes a living, yeah.- Absolutely.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21And personally speaking, I think she's so vile
0:17:21 > 0:17:23that's all the airtime I'd like to give her.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- So... - CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- Gregg Wallace.- Yeah.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- Well, he does eat things...fast. - He does eat things!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- He does... That's all he does... - Yeah.- ..is eat things.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- I mean, he went on that Strictly Come Dancing...- Yeah.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40..in the shiny outfit
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- and he looked like an Easter egg. - He did.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- Lance Armstrong.- Oh...- Ah...
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Now, he has built his career on speed -
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- I think that was one of the drugs.- Yeah.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:54 > 0:17:58- Justin Bieber.- He gets a hard time. - He does.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59It's tough for him,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02cos he's had to be at every single ever Justin Bieber concert.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04That's true.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Look at him with his crazy hat.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I mean, that's a man that knows how to party.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10You would get the shit kicked out of you
0:18:10 > 0:18:12if you wore that hat in Glasgow.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I'm edging towards Justin Bieber,
0:18:14 > 0:18:16because it sounds like the kind of thing,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18like, a young person would say
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- to brag about how crazy their life is.- OK.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- Can I ask you, you, you live in America sometimes.- Sometimes...
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- Sometimes. Sometimes I see... - ..Dundrum.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29LAUGHTER Very similar place.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Sometimes I see people on American television,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- and they've obviously had their teeth done...- Yes.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38..so that their top lip is then sort of bulging,
0:18:38 > 0:18:40and they don't speak properly because they've had their...
0:18:40 > 0:18:44- Like that?- Yeah. Is that because people get their... Cos...
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- IN AMERICAN ACCENT: - You're looking like yourself.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:54 > 0:18:56So, what do we reckon, guys?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58We said Justin Bieber.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- PAUL:- Linguistically sounds like it might be Gregg Wallace.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- We're going to go with Gregg Wallace.- OK.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06I can tell you the correct answer is...
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- It was Lance Armstrong!- Oh!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10APPLAUSE
0:19:10 > 0:19:14And at the end of that round, the points go to Paul and to Marcus.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Now, as we all know,
0:19:19 > 0:19:22language can be used for both good and for evil,
0:19:22 > 0:19:24to inspire and seduce
0:19:24 > 0:19:27or to make us buy useless crap from the home shopping channel
0:19:27 > 0:19:30when we come in pissed from the pub.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33And in our next round, we ask our teams to abandon their scruples
0:19:33 > 0:19:36and embrace the language of advertising
0:19:36 > 0:19:38to sell us a range of genuine items.
0:19:38 > 0:19:43- So, first of all, Susan and Des... - Yeah.- ..here is your item.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- Oh... - AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- It is a genuine item... - You can't have it!
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- ..that is available for purchase...- Wow.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54..on the internet in this great country.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Paul and Marcus, you've got a few seconds
0:19:56 > 0:19:58to write down as many words as you think
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Des and Susan will use in their sales pitch.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Each one you get correct - buzz in, we'll give you a point.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06And pens down. Here we go.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Hello, and welcome.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11It's three o'clock in the morning, but the party's still going on here
0:20:11 > 0:20:13at Glasgow's very own home shopping channel.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Yes, well, known as
0:20:14 > 0:20:19the Scottish Home Interactive Television Experience - or SHITE...
0:20:19 > 0:20:21LAUGHTER
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- What an item of SHITE we have for you.- Absolutely.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I know we what you're thinking yourself about this.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35It's not going to be a glorious failure either.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38And she's quite a character.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40LAUGHTER
0:20:45 > 0:20:49This is one of the finest educational tools
0:20:49 > 0:20:52that you will ever work with.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Please, if you're watching now, just home from the pub
0:20:55 > 0:20:58and you've though about the dangers of drugs...
0:21:00 > 0:21:02..and you're having a look at this thinking,
0:21:02 > 0:21:05"Aye, they've definitely kicked in." Well...
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- ..that's the desired effect, because...- Absolutely.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- ..this is what someone looks like on the drugs.- Yes.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13LAUGHTER
0:21:13 > 0:21:18What you'll notice is it is the body of a lassie
0:21:18 > 0:21:21and the face of not a lassie.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23LAUGHTER
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Just say no, lassies,
0:21:27 > 0:21:30cos this is what you'll end up looking like.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Thank you for watching. We've only got one of them.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Very good.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- Paul and Marcus, you are next... - Can't wait for this.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47..and here is your quality item.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Hmm...
0:21:49 > 0:21:50It's a serving plate.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Susan and Des, if you can write down as many words as you think
0:21:53 > 0:21:54the lads will use in their sales pitch.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55What is it?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- Oh... - LAUGHTER
0:22:05 > 0:22:06OK, pens down.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- Would you like to dress me, Marcus? - Very much.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Oh! Oh!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18AUDIENCE MEMBER WOLF WHISTLES
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- There you go.- That's it.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24- WOMAN:- Take your top off!
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Yes! AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:22:27 > 0:22:31You are so barking up the wrong tree, love.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Marcus, when someone tunes in and it's just you
0:22:33 > 0:22:34and all you're wearing is that,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37they'll look at the telly and go, "Oh, it's yourself!"
0:22:37 > 0:22:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:43 > 0:22:46OK, guys. Any time you're ready, your pitch, please.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48My dad loves proverbs, and one of his favourite proverbs is,
0:22:48 > 0:22:53"Paul, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade,"
0:22:53 > 0:22:57which is why he was diagnosed with insulin-dependent diabetes in 1974.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00The problem with diabetes is it complicates your life so much,
0:23:00 > 0:23:02cos you're constantly on insulin
0:23:02 > 0:23:06and your blood sugar levels go up and down and up and down,
0:23:06 > 0:23:10and how that interferes with your plans cannot be underestimated.
0:23:10 > 0:23:15- Type I or Type II - we have the solution.- Absolutely.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Now, imagine...
0:23:22 > 0:23:25AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:23:25 > 0:23:29Imagine you want to go on a sunny holiday to the French Riviera...
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Do you want some of the sweets?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35LAUGHTER
0:23:40 > 0:23:41Give it to me.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:52 > 0:23:54My agent called me,
0:23:54 > 0:23:59said they're making a new panel show about language -
0:23:59 > 0:24:00the use of language,
0:24:00 > 0:24:05the structure and derivation of phrases and words.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06It's lovely to be here.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:13 > 0:24:14For figures, beach holidays,
0:24:14 > 0:24:16you want to look your best on a beach holiday.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- Of course. - That's the important thing.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20But is it practical when you have to constantly monitor
0:24:20 > 0:24:21your blood sugar levels?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24If you give yourself the wrong dose of insulin,
0:24:24 > 0:24:27you end up in a hypoglycaemic shock.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Now, what better way to avoid that problem
0:24:30 > 0:24:34than to have glucose actually on your bikini?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- BUZZER RINGS - Oh, yes, of course.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Point for bikini, yeah.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42- So, what we have here is the edible minge.- Yeah.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44LAUGHTER Oh...
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Chow down and cheer yourself up - that's what we're saying.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:52 > 0:24:55AUDIENCE MEMBER WOLF WHISTLES
0:24:56 > 0:25:00- Are they those fizzy sweets? - I don't know - I haven't tried one.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01Would you like a little...
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Do you find this off-putting or unsettling?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05You can have some of the anal beads if you want.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Two of them have gone in, so I'd ignore those ones.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13I don't eat sugar, but you'd be welcome to...
0:25:13 > 0:25:16You'd be welcome to have a little nibble while she watches.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18LAUGHTER
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- LAUGHING:- No!
0:25:22 > 0:25:23I mean...
0:25:27 > 0:25:29CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:25:44 > 0:25:47We will never speak of this again.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49LAUGHTER
0:25:49 > 0:25:51OK, so we've got a few words.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53We've got here, this is...
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Ordinary working families, just in case...
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Thank God you told me what that said.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I looked at it quickly, and I thought it read old worn fanny.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06I was... LAUGHTER
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- Shiny. - Sorry, I have to just qualify this.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11See, when they took it out,
0:26:11 > 0:26:13- I thought the item was the shiny thing.- Yeah, yeah.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16LAUGHTER
0:26:16 > 0:26:21Well, you'll see, obviously, after shiny, I've put...helmet.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- Now... - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Ironically, I'm now surprised that that didn't come up.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Well, believe me, I think it did.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35LAUGHTER
0:26:35 > 0:26:37It's the candy bra and G-string set.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Wow.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Who do we think the customer is for this?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43I think it's a Mother's Day gift.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I think it's the sort of thing you'd find in
0:26:47 > 0:26:52a hen party, stag do end of your kind of sexy shop,
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Ann Summers-y type...
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Did you say Hindu?
0:26:55 > 0:26:56- No, hen do.- Oh, sorry.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00That's an important, an important clarification, yeah.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04You know, if you're going either on a stag do or a Hindu...
0:27:04 > 0:27:06My sister went on a Hindu...
0:27:06 > 0:27:09What? Er, yeah.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11- Any idea on the price? - Yeah, I would say 12.99.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Something around the tenner mark, so 12.99.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17£8, £8 - no more, no more. £8.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19- We're definitely going for £8. - £8.- 100%.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22I can tell you the price we paid for it was £10.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24- Oh! So, it was between the two. - There it is.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30And that means that tonight's winners are Paul and Marcus.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:27:33 > 0:27:37Commiserations to Susan and Des.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40And before we go,
0:27:40 > 0:27:43if you think you've used some bad language in your time,
0:27:43 > 0:27:47remember it could be a lot worse, using bad language like this.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:10 > 0:28:13APPLAUSE
0:28:13 > 0:28:15That's all we have time for.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17A big thanks to tonight's teams.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20To Susan, to Des, to Paul and to Marcus.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:28:22 > 0:28:25I'm Patrick Kielty. Thank you very much. Good night.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28MUSIC: Scatman (Ski Ba Bop Ba Dop Bop) by Scatman John