0:00:14 > 0:00:17APPLAUSE
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Hello and welcome to Bad Language -
0:00:25 > 0:00:27the show all about everyday words, phrases and sayings.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30As always tonight, looking for the right words to say
0:00:30 > 0:00:33in the wrong order, we have our two teams.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Please welcome team captain Susan Calman with Rich Hall.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39APPLAUSE
0:00:39 > 0:00:42And with captain Paul Sinha, it's Mark Watson.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45APPLAUSE
0:00:47 > 0:00:51We kick off our first round, entitled Osama Bin Language.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53GUNFIRE
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Where we ask our teams to nominate a word or phrase
0:00:56 > 0:01:00that they think is a menace to society and should be taken out.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Then our highly intellectual audience will decide
0:01:03 > 0:01:06which one of these words or phrases will be permanently
0:01:06 > 0:01:09removed from conversation. Susan, you are up first.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Your word or phrase that you would like to see
0:01:12 > 0:01:13in the bin of bad language.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17In the bin of bad language, I would like to see a phrase
0:01:17 > 0:01:20which my mother uses quite frequently
0:01:20 > 0:01:25in relation to me, which is, "What's wrong with you now?"
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Which indicates that there was something wrong with your face
0:01:29 > 0:01:32beforehand, as my mother would not say.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35So, it's what people say, and what they're really saying is,
0:01:35 > 0:01:39"Oh, for goodness' sakes, you're looking miserable again."
0:01:39 > 0:01:41It is not a caring way
0:01:41 > 0:01:44of asking somebody if there's something wrong with them.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47It's weird, isn't it? Cos here, in this country, we have problems.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50But in America, they have issues, don't they?
0:01:50 > 0:01:51That's a weird thing,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54that kind of problems that they just refuse to solve.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Yeah.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Uh... Yeah. Yeah, there we go. LAUGHTER
0:01:59 > 0:02:00We all...
0:02:02 > 0:02:05I think it's partly because, again, I don't know about here,
0:02:05 > 0:02:09but there's a slight repression about talking about emotions.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13For example, and this is true, my mother told me
0:02:13 > 0:02:18about the facts of life by putting a pop-up book under my door.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Then the next morning went, "Did you get the book? Any questions? No.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23"Let's move on."
0:02:23 > 0:02:26And that was how we dealt with sex, which was basically,
0:02:26 > 0:02:29"There's a book. Any questions? Let's all move on."
0:02:29 > 0:02:32When was your first kiss? When was...?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35My first kiss, I thought I'd better try
0:02:35 > 0:02:37whether or not I liked boys or not.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40The first time I had a kiss, he'd just eaten an apple.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44When he kissed me, I got apple in my mouth from his mouth.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46GROANING I know.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50And I didn't kiss anyone after that for four years.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53LAUGHTER Well, I was 16.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55It was behind the youth club, if anybody knows in Dundrum,
0:02:55 > 0:02:59just in behind where they have the car-boot sale. And...
0:02:59 > 0:03:01LAUGHTER This...
0:03:01 > 0:03:03I guess the mood was just right.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06The mood was just right. And so, I muddled through.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09And because you're a little bit older, you're not quite sure,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11you know? And you sort of do that fumbly thing.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14But, you know, we both quite liked it
0:03:14 > 0:03:15and we agreed we'd meet again.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18So, I went home for my tea and he went and said mass and we...
0:03:18 > 0:03:20LAUGHTER
0:03:20 > 0:03:22And we...
0:03:22 > 0:03:27APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:03:27 > 0:03:29You guys quite like sharing.
0:03:29 > 0:03:34Americans quite like sharing their emotions. Sure.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36LAUGHTER
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Hello and welcome to One Word Answers.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47What do we think of Susan's phrase, "What's wrong?"
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Do we agree with this, Paul?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51I want to point out I was a GP as well.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54That was my stock question to any patient that came in.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56LAUGHTER "What's wrong with you now?"
0:03:56 > 0:03:58To be fair, that's justifiable
0:03:58 > 0:04:00if they're coming for the 18th time that week.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03No bitterness. I was glad to leave the profession.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05It was actually estimated
0:04:05 > 0:04:08that I saved the lives of over 5,000 patients as a GP
0:04:08 > 0:04:10when I left the career in medicine.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12LAUGHTER
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Thanks, Susan.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Mark, what's the word you would like to see binned?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18I mean, this is a pretty common word
0:04:18 > 0:04:21so it's maybe hard to imagine it in the bin,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23but I'd like to see off the word "crazy"
0:04:23 > 0:04:28because I think people just now use it to mean the tamest things.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31It pops up in songs. Like that song,
0:04:31 > 0:04:33"Hey, I just met you and this is crazy."
0:04:33 > 0:04:35But all it is is, "Here's my number, so call me maybe."
0:04:35 > 0:04:36And you think, "That's..."
0:04:36 > 0:04:39If you've just met someone and you wouldn't mind meeting them again
0:04:39 > 0:04:42then swapping numbers, I wouldn't call that crazy.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43The song should go, "This is good admin."
0:04:43 > 0:04:45LAUGHTER Or if it's crazy, it should be,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48"Hey, I just met you. I've written my name in shit on your garage."
0:04:48 > 0:04:51LAUGHTER
0:04:51 > 0:04:52And they're all like that, you know.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54"This is the closest to crazy I've ever been."
0:04:54 > 0:04:56And again, all it means is I feel a bit giddy
0:04:56 > 0:04:59when someone I love is there, which, again, is not crazy at all.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02It should be, "This is the closest thing to crazy, you know,
0:05:02 > 0:05:03"I've just bought a hawk
0:05:03 > 0:05:06"and I'm just waving it around in the supermarket."
0:05:06 > 0:05:09There's an island called Arran off the coast of Scotland.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS Yes. I live near there.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13You're what?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16No, carry on. Shoot.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19No, what was brilliant about that was that she actually whooped
0:05:19 > 0:05:22and put her hand up and you thought she was from there,
0:05:22 > 0:05:26but she went, "I've been there." LAUGHTER
0:05:28 > 0:05:30You've been to Arran? No, I live near Arran.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32You live near Arran. Oh, sorry.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35And they've got a crazy golf on Arran.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38And they've got one representation of the Forth Rail Bridge
0:05:38 > 0:05:41made out of old Irn Bru cans.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43And that's what makes it crazy. That is pretty crazy.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Have you played the golf, madam?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Have you played the golf on the Isle of Arran?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50No, I've actually never been to Arran. She's never been there.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52LAUGHTER
0:05:52 > 0:05:57Generally, people who say they're crazy are not.
0:05:57 > 0:06:02True crazy is the people who are pretending that they're not crazy
0:06:02 > 0:06:05and are actually trying to give you a compliment.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Those are the ones that...
0:06:06 > 0:06:09If someone says, "You're OK in my book,"
0:06:09 > 0:06:10you would go, "Oh, great."
0:06:10 > 0:06:14And then realise, "This person is writing a book...
0:06:14 > 0:06:16LAUGHTER
0:06:16 > 0:06:20"..of people who are OK and people who aren't."
0:06:20 > 0:06:25Probably a lot of pictures of the people who they think are OK.
0:06:25 > 0:06:31His room is plastered with pictures and your clothing sizes.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Your name put up in, like, ransom note letters.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37So, if someone says, "You're OK in my book,"
0:06:37 > 0:06:39get the fuck away from them.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41They're writing a book.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43APPLAUSE
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Thanks, Mark.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Rich, what is your word or phrase?
0:06:50 > 0:06:55The word we need to get rid of is "antidisestablishmentarianism."
0:06:57 > 0:06:58And I'm going to tell you why.
0:07:00 > 0:07:05Cos antidisestablishmentarianism is a word that is just showing off.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08It's just a word that's going, "Hey, look at me!"
0:07:08 > 0:07:11What the hell does that mean? It doesn't matter what it means.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15What it means is, it's the biggest word in the English language.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18It doesn't have to mean... Oh, you got a big word?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Quintessential? BOOM!
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Septuagenarian. Goodbye.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27I'm antidisestablishmentarianism, BLEEP!
0:07:27 > 0:07:34I have two self-negating prefixes in my name. What do you got?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37What are you bringing to the party? Nothing.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I'm the word who's done so much coke,
0:07:40 > 0:07:44I'm going to spend the rest of the night talking about myself.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47That is what antidisestablishmentarianism means.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50I'm happy to go along with Rich's suggestion instead of mine.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52APPLAUSE
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I just keep... Sorry, just in case anyone...
0:07:57 > 0:07:59The desk is actually slightly broken.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Did I do that? Just to...
0:08:02 > 0:08:05LAUGHTER
0:08:05 > 0:08:08I think, if you're the compiler of the Oxford English Dictionary,
0:08:08 > 0:08:12and you were asked your thoughts on antidisestablishmentarianism,
0:08:12 > 0:08:14you're allowed to say, "Well, it's OK in my book."
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I think that's... LAUGHTER
0:08:16 > 0:08:19I think that's absolutely fair.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20You're estimating the word as worthless
0:08:20 > 0:08:24which means you're partaking in floccinaucinihilipilification,
0:08:24 > 0:08:27which is 29 letters, one more than antidisestablishmentarianism.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Oh, it's on. It's on.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32I'm really sorry, Rich. I'm afraid you haven't beat the chaser.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35LAUGHTER
0:08:40 > 0:08:41Personally speaking,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44I absolutely agree with Rich on a number of levels.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47But I like to have conversations with people where
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I can understand what they're talking about.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54I'm a tiny human being. I'm 4ft 11. Tiny.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57And so people look down on me and patronise me.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Do you know one of the most common things people do to me?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Genuine. People ruffle my hair.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07I'm 40 years old and people come up to me
0:09:07 > 0:09:10and you can see them wanting to do it. They go...
0:09:10 > 0:09:13LAUGHTER
0:09:13 > 0:09:16And so I hate being patronised by people.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19And one of the ways people do it is by using incredibly long words
0:09:19 > 0:09:21to show they have knowledge.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24I think Rich has got a brilliant point for a number of reasons.
0:09:24 > 0:09:29And I think he's amazing and very, very masculine and lovely.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31APPLAUSE
0:09:31 > 0:09:33SHE GROANS
0:09:33 > 0:09:37LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:42SHE CACKLES
0:09:42 > 0:09:45And finally, Paul.
0:09:45 > 0:09:50The phrase I'd like to see binned is, "It's before my time."
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Or more specifically, "It's before my time, Bradley."
0:09:54 > 0:09:57It's something people say on the show that I'm on - The Chase -
0:09:57 > 0:09:59and a lot of people laugh at the stupid answers.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01The stupid answers are part of the joy of the show.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03But you also get a generation of -
0:10:03 > 0:10:05sorry about the younger people in the room -
0:10:05 > 0:10:08younger quizzers who go on and they get a question like,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10"Dying in 1945,
0:10:10 > 0:10:15"which former German leader's name rhymes with Adolf Shitler?
0:10:15 > 0:10:19"Is it Adolf Hitler, Bobby Davro, Russell Brand?"
0:10:19 > 0:10:23And they go, "Well, I've only heard of Russell Brand.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27"Hitler is a bit before my time."
0:10:27 > 0:10:30It's that stock thing that young people say to justify the fact
0:10:30 > 0:10:34that they haven't heard of something that's technically rather important.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35The planet has been around, well...
0:10:37 > 0:10:38This could be a bit controversial.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41The planet has been around for a long time.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Geologists think about four to five billion years.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46The Bible says a few thousand years.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Statistically, that's what a lot of this room will believe.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Good luck with that. And... LAUGHTER
0:10:51 > 0:10:54And Man United fans believe the world started in 1993.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56So, there's a difference.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58ALL: Ooooh!
0:10:58 > 0:11:00There's a difference of opinion.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02That is more dangerous than the religion bit.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04What do you think, Rich? Anybody can say pretty much anything
0:11:04 > 0:11:06and I can't say, "That was before my time."
0:11:06 > 0:11:08LAUGHTER
0:11:08 > 0:11:11But nonetheless, people shouldn't be allowed to dismiss
0:11:11 > 0:11:15everything that happened before they were born.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19I want to get rid of it as a lazy, defiantly ignorant way
0:11:19 > 0:11:22of justifying the fact that you've never heard of The Beatles.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26I would like to get rid of, "Before my time, Bradley."
0:11:26 > 0:11:29APPLAUSE
0:11:30 > 0:11:32It's very good. A very good suggestion.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35So, now it is over to our audience.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Our audience of learned scholars will now decide
0:11:38 > 0:11:43which phrase goes into the bin of bad language.
0:11:43 > 0:11:48So, first up, we have Susan's "What's wrong with you now?"
0:11:48 > 0:11:50APPLAUSE
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Solid. That's all right. Solid.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Mark's "crazy."
0:11:54 > 0:11:56MILD APPLAUSE
0:11:58 > 0:12:01They're not so crazy about that. They're not.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04No, I feel like... Look, everyone in this room is terrified of Rich.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Let's see what happens. LAUGHTER
0:12:07 > 0:12:10"Antidisestablishmentarianism."
0:12:10 > 0:12:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:15 > 0:12:17"It's before my time, Bradley."
0:12:17 > 0:12:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:23 > 0:12:26It's very close, but I think we do have a winner,
0:12:26 > 0:12:29and it's Rich with antidisestablishmentarianism.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32APPLAUSE
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Our next round is called I'll Get Me Quote -
0:12:34 > 0:12:36where we give our teams some words of wisdom
0:12:36 > 0:12:38from bestselling celebrity authors.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41All they've got to do is work out who wrote what.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44OK, Susan, here is your quote.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53LAUGHTER
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Those are the words but who said it?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57OK. SNORTING LIKE PIG
0:12:57 > 0:12:59LAUGHTER
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Is it David Cameron,
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Benedict Cumberbatch,
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Boris Johnson,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07or Spencer from Made In Chelsea?
0:13:07 > 0:13:13David Cameron, of course, famously had an encounter with a pig.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Or allegedly had an encounter with a pig.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18The problem is with this... Who hasn't?
0:13:18 > 0:13:22LAUGHTER
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Basically, he put his cock in a pig's mouth.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28We may as well just say it instead of saying allegedly.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Apparently... How do we know it's its mouth?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32What if he just slapped it on its head? That's just like...
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Because I think the point was...
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Now, I'm not a gentleman and I don't have a gentleman's appendage.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Well, I do, but it goes in the dishwasher.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43LAUGHTER And...
0:13:43 > 0:13:45If I said to you,
0:13:45 > 0:13:50"Mark, put your appendage on top of a pig's head..."
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Yeah, or? "Or in a pig's head, which would you rather do?"
0:13:53 > 0:13:55I'd say, "Is there a third option?"
0:13:55 > 0:13:57LAUGHTER
0:14:01 > 0:14:02I'm just glad it was a female pig,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05cos a male pig would've been an abomination in the eyes of the Lord.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Yeah. Yeah. LAUGHTER
0:14:07 > 0:14:10It's all part of that kind of privileged Eton-Oxford background
0:14:10 > 0:14:13where they have these initiation rituals.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15And I don't think Benedict Cumberbatch
0:14:15 > 0:14:18would ever, ever, ever talk like that,
0:14:18 > 0:14:21because I love him and I don't...
0:14:21 > 0:14:24There's a forensic way to go about this.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27"Want to buy some porn?" he asked. "It's a tenner."
0:14:27 > 0:14:28What you need to do...
0:14:29 > 0:14:32is look at the different timeframes
0:14:32 > 0:14:36and figure out at which point was porn a tenner?
0:14:36 > 0:14:37A tenner, right.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39LAUGHTER
0:14:42 > 0:14:48Cameron and Boris, I can attest that they would be the oldest.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49And at that point,
0:14:49 > 0:14:54I know for a fact that Shaved Asian Midgets was only 7.95.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56LAUGHTER
0:14:57 > 0:15:01Benedict being the next generation...
0:15:01 > 0:15:04LAUGHTER
0:15:04 > 0:15:08D-do boys not share porn around?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Do you not, like...? LAUGHTER
0:15:11 > 0:15:14No-one would ever dream of passing me porn.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16It would make them think they were uncool forever.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Porn to you is an encyclopaedia, basically.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22Absolutely, yeah. "Oh, state capitals."
0:15:22 > 0:15:26My dad's medical schoolmate's son showed me
0:15:26 > 0:15:31a box which was labelled on the outside "Star Wars toys"
0:15:31 > 0:15:34and on the inside was a massive stash of porn.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38It's not surprising that I've never watched a Star Wars film again.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41LAUGHTER
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Rich, who do you think said it?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47I think it's the Made In Chelsea guy and I'm just, you know,
0:15:47 > 0:15:50I'm just going purely on instinct. OK.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53I don't know who the guy is, but he's in Made In Chelsea
0:15:53 > 0:15:57so everything I don't know about him, I already don't like.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59LAUGHTER
0:15:59 > 0:16:04And it sounds like the kind of thing where he's telling a blokey story,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07but really he's just wanting everyone to know he went to Eton.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Yeah. It's that kind of, you know,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13"I'll just gloss this over that I went to Eton by throwing in
0:16:13 > 0:16:16"this sort of everyday, normal guy story about porn."
0:16:16 > 0:16:19The subtext here is he went to Eton, so screw him.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22I absolutely go along with that. Absolutely go along with that.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23Mark, you went to Cambridge.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Yeah, that's the sort of information that normally makes me
0:16:26 > 0:16:28popular in a group. LAUGHTER
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Were there any initiation ceremonies there?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33One time, I fucked a squirrel, but, like...
0:16:33 > 0:16:36LAUGHTER It was just very...
0:16:38 > 0:16:41We think this could be Boris. Can I put my Chase head on?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43You can put your Chase head on.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45David Cameron was born in 1964,
0:16:45 > 0:16:48which means I think his teenage years would be exactly
0:16:48 > 0:16:51when a porn mag was worth about a tenner.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55However, that's not the sort of babe that he goes for, as we now know.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Boris Johnson, I think, I'm not sure,
0:17:00 > 0:17:02I think is about the same age,
0:17:02 > 0:17:05which makes me think he's more likely to admit it
0:17:05 > 0:17:08in an autobiography as he's tried to be the funny, fun-loving Boris
0:17:08 > 0:17:11in a way that David Cameron wouldn't be. Yeah.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14And one of the problems with Benedict Cumberbatch, I think,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16is that he went to Harrow, so I don't think it's him.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20I think it's more likely to be BoJo.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21So, you guys are going for...?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Spencer.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26I can tell you that the answer is
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Spencer Matthews from Made In Chelsea.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31APPLAUSE
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Paul's team, you're up next.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36And here is your quote.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44But who wrote it?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Is it Vladimir Putin,
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Kanye West,
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Alex Ferguson,
0:17:49 > 0:17:50or Mary Berry?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Well, Mary Berry is power crazed, we know that.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Vladimir Putin just wouldn't say it, would he?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59He would just think it. He would just think it.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Very homophobic man.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04I don't really care for Vladimir Putin very much.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06What, you mean you don't like him like that?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09LAUGHTER
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Have you seen that photo of him on a horse?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13To be fair, that would turn anyone on. That's gay icon.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Let's be honest, if anybody's got a poster
0:18:15 > 0:18:16of Tom Daley in their bedroom,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18it's Vladimir Putin really, isn't it?
0:18:18 > 0:18:22LAUGHTER
0:18:22 > 0:18:24But the thing is, we had the David Beckham thing, didn't you?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Ferguson had a track record of getting rid of people that...
0:18:27 > 0:18:29What makes him so attractive? What is it?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Because he's got some terrible tattoos.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Yeah, cos that's what you'd... And none of them really join up.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Whenever I see David Beckham, I want to turn him upside down
0:18:37 > 0:18:39like an Etch A Sketch, shake him and start again.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42You could probably do a join-the-dots or something though.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45But Ruud van Nistelrooy, he's meant to have got rid of
0:18:45 > 0:18:46because he threatened his control.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48This sounds like Ferguson to me. Yeah.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I think it's Alex Ferguson.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Basically, of this list, it's got to be the most power crazed one.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55So, that's Ferguson followed by Putin.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Yeah. Followed by Berry.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59I don't know who Mary Berry is.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I'm guessing she's an 18th-century astronomer.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05LAUGHTER And probably...
0:19:08 > 0:19:11..from the looks, a strong feminist.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Alex Ferguson...
0:19:13 > 0:19:15CHUCKLING: What do I know about football?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I'll bet it's Alex Ferguson.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Kanye West would never string together that long a sentence.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23LAUGHTER
0:19:23 > 0:19:25OK, so, you guys are going for...?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28We think it is Alex Ferguson. Alex Ferguson. And...?
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Let's say Kanye.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33I can tell you that the answer was...
0:19:33 > 0:19:35It was Sir Alex Ferguson.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37APPLAUSE
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Now, as we all know, language can be used for both good
0:19:42 > 0:19:45and for evil, to inspire and seduce,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48or to make us buy useless crap from the home-shopping channel
0:19:48 > 0:19:51when we come in pissed from the pub.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55In our next round, we ask our teams to abandon the need for truth and
0:19:55 > 0:20:00embrace the language of advertising to sell us a range of genuine items.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04First up, Paul and Mark, here is your item.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06There it is.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08And as you have a little look
0:20:08 > 0:20:12and open up your genuine item that we're going to ask you to sell,
0:20:12 > 0:20:16we're going to ask Susan and Rich to write down as many words as you can
0:20:16 > 0:20:19that the lads will use in their sales pitch.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22It's a full-body outfit made of bubble wrap,
0:20:22 > 0:20:25by the look of it. We need a model for this.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Yes. Why are you looking at me? Because you're skinnier than I am.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32And if I don't fit into it, I will never live it down.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Stick it on, mate. OK, I will stick this on.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Here we go. This is...
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Oh, dear.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43You can stop writing now, guys. Lovely.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50APPLAUSE
0:21:02 > 0:21:05And as I'm dressed as the only condom
0:21:05 > 0:21:07fully approved by the Catholic Church...
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Begin your pitch now.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Well, we all know there are going to be massive cuts
0:21:13 > 0:21:15to the BBC in forthcoming years.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18And that will mean that Doctor Who's budget
0:21:18 > 0:21:21is going to take one massive slash, so to speak.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24But I don't think that's why it's been designed.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27I think it's been designed for music festivals,
0:21:27 > 0:21:30such as The Big One in Somerset that takes place every year.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32That's right. Not only will this costume
0:21:32 > 0:21:34shield you from the elements,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37but it's fun because you have the opportunity...
0:21:37 > 0:21:39BUZZER
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Did you say elegant?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43LAUGHTER
0:21:47 > 0:21:49As well as all this, it's something to do with a friend.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51If we can have a volunteer, you can
0:21:51 > 0:21:54see the sort of stuff you could get up to with an outfit like this.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55If anybody would like to have a pop?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57It's a good opportunity to deflate some of this.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00That lady in the front there is absolutely bursting
0:22:00 > 0:22:02for the opportunity. Come on, madam.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04APPLAUSE
0:22:05 > 0:22:08And your name is? Holly. And where are you from, Holly?
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Saintfield. OK, and would you like to test out...? Yes!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14You would. LAUGHTER
0:22:14 > 0:22:16She's very, very excited!
0:22:19 > 0:22:20That's me skin!
0:22:20 > 0:22:22That's my nips!
0:22:26 > 0:22:28SHE GIGGLES LAUGHTER
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Thank you very much. That was absolutely fantastic.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33APPLAUSE To be honest with you,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36you popped a couple of things you shouldn't there.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER BUZZER
0:22:38 > 0:22:39Oh, there we go.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Everybody now lives in a generation
0:22:45 > 0:22:47where they need amusement all the time.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51This is much cheaper than having Angry Birds on a smartphone.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54This is the perfect waterproof protection from...
0:22:54 > 0:22:56BUZZER Oh, Lordy.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02APPLAUSE
0:23:02 > 0:23:04And let's have a look at some of the words
0:23:04 > 0:23:08that you wrote down but didn't actually come up in the sales pitch.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11We have... LAUGHTER
0:23:11 > 0:23:12In what way, Susan?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Because I thought that looks like
0:23:15 > 0:23:18something Toyah Willcox would've worn.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20LAUGHTER
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Leprosy?
0:23:28 > 0:23:30We have cat.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Cats like bubble wrap,
0:23:31 > 0:23:34so I thought maybe you could say it was a new cat plaything,
0:23:34 > 0:23:37so you could spend more time with your cat.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39You would dress up and your cat would come and climb up you,
0:23:39 > 0:23:41and enjoy themselves. So it was more like...
0:23:41 > 0:23:43To be honest, as soon as I get home,
0:23:43 > 0:23:45that's exactly what's going to happen.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48LAUGHTER
0:23:52 > 0:23:55And for Susan and Rich, you're up next.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58And here is your item. Right.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02If you'd like to open that up, examine it as best you can.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Paul and Mark, if you want to write down the words
0:24:04 > 0:24:08that they'll use in the sales pitch for this genuine item
0:24:08 > 0:24:13that can be purchased from the back of the newspaper or the internet.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16It feels funny.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Time up on the words. Yep.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23And your sales pitch. Cue Rich and Susan.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Readers...
0:24:24 > 0:24:28LAUGHTER
0:24:29 > 0:24:34How many times have you purchased a bookmark
0:24:34 > 0:24:38only to find it's slipped out of the pages of the book,
0:24:38 > 0:24:40never to be found again,
0:24:40 > 0:24:44and you realise this bookmark serves no purpose whatsoever?
0:24:44 > 0:24:48We are proud to present the first bookmark
0:24:48 > 0:24:51that actually serves more than its purpose.
0:24:51 > 0:24:57It's Rusty, the no-soul, lifeless orang-utan bookmark.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02How many times have you read a book
0:25:02 > 0:25:07and could not remember what happened on the last page?
0:25:07 > 0:25:14Now, much as if being asked, "Where were you when Diana died?"
0:25:14 > 0:25:17you will always remember what happened
0:25:17 > 0:25:19because what happened in the story
0:25:19 > 0:25:24happened right before you stuck an orang-utan into the book.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29APPLAUSE
0:25:29 > 0:25:34Furthermore, how many times have we been reading a book
0:25:34 > 0:25:38and thought, "This is the biggest crap I've ever read in my life.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42"God, I wish there was something more entertaining"?
0:25:42 > 0:25:49Oh, look. It's a stillborn orang-utan.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Look at the innocence in his eyes.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55Look at his hands raised in supplication.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Innocent.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59How many times has innocence
0:25:59 > 0:26:02and supplication driven fictional narrative?
0:26:02 > 0:26:07Are we not all innocent at one time, like Rusty,
0:26:07 > 0:26:11the lifeless, soulless orang-utan bookmark?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13BUZZER Supplication.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16LAUGHTER
0:26:19 > 0:26:21I did write that more recently than...
0:26:21 > 0:26:23LAUGHTER
0:26:23 > 0:26:28Is this the orang-utan in the Borneo eco resort?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31BUZZER Yes, he's got one. We have Borneo.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35They do have Borneo. APPLAUSE
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Rusty.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Have a go and see if you know what to do.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45I think what we should do, actually, I should actually bring this home
0:26:45 > 0:26:48and I should actually just put this in the pram, shouldn't I?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Yeah. In a few months' time.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51Or maybe what I should do is
0:26:51 > 0:26:54I actually should bring it into the delivery ward.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56And when I'm down at the business end
0:26:56 > 0:26:59and the wife goes, "What is it?"
0:27:00 > 0:27:02"It looks like me."
0:27:02 > 0:27:05LAUGHTER
0:27:05 > 0:27:09So, what do we think? How much do we think we paid for this?
0:27:09 > 0:27:14That is a pricey item because the clothes alone are worth a bit.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Mm. Right. There is a certain amount of detail.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19I'm saying...
0:27:20 > 0:27:23?45. Mm.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25I wouldn't be surprised. Look at the box it came in.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26Actually, it's in a nice...
0:27:26 > 0:27:29I know where you could get a real baby for ?45.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31LAUGHTER
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Paddy, I'm revising up. ?65. Wow.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36?65.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Paul and Mark? We'll go less. A bit lower than that, I reckon.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40About 45.
0:27:40 > 0:27:45I can tell you that we actually paid ?85.96...
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Knew it. Knew it!
0:27:46 > 0:27:49..for the Baby Babu posable orang-utan doll.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51So, Paul and Mark got two,
0:27:51 > 0:27:54which means that tonight's winners are Susan and Rich.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Oh, yes. APPLAUSE
0:27:59 > 0:28:00But before you go,
0:28:00 > 0:28:03if you think you've used some bad language in your time,
0:28:03 > 0:28:06remember, it could be a lot worse with bad language like this.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18LAUGHTER
0:28:18 > 0:28:19That's all we've got time for.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22A big thanks to our guests, to Mark Watson and Rich Hall.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25And to our captains, Susan Calman and Paul Sinha.
0:28:25 > 0:28:26I'm Patrick Kielty. Goodnight.