0:00:02 > 0:00:05MUSIC: I'm a Scatman by Scatman John
0:00:05 > 0:00:07# Bwi ba ba bada bo
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Baba ba da bo
0:00:09 > 0:00:10# Bwi ba ba bada bo... #
0:00:10 > 0:00:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Hello and welcome to Bad Language,
0:00:24 > 0:00:27the show all about everyday words, phrases and sayings.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29And tonight to see what makes it tick,
0:00:29 > 0:00:32which isn't the first time that's been done in Belfast...
0:00:32 > 0:00:33LAUGHTER
0:00:33 > 0:00:34..here are our teams.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Joining our team captain Susan Calman is Jarred Christmas.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:40 > 0:00:43And with captain Paul Sinha, it's Mickey Bartlett.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:46 > 0:00:50We kick off with our first round, entitled Osama Bin Language...
0:00:50 > 0:00:51MACHINE GUNFIRE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53It's a typewriter.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56..where our teams nominate words and phrases that they
0:00:56 > 0:00:59think are a menace to society and should be taken out.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Then our audience of linguistic scholars...
0:01:01 > 0:01:03LAUGHTER
0:01:03 > 0:01:06..will decide which ones should be removed permanently
0:01:06 > 0:01:10from conversation and banish them to the bin of bad language.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11- Er...Jarred...- Yes.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Dear boy, what phrase or word would you like to see permanently
0:01:15 > 0:01:17binned from our beautiful language?
0:01:17 > 0:01:18"I'm not being racist, but..."
0:01:20 > 0:01:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:23 > 0:01:24The popular choice.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Because...it's only ever used by racists!
0:01:31 > 0:01:33It's...because it's a disclaimer.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37People who have a disclaimer, you can't trust them, can you?
0:01:37 > 0:01:38And that's essentially what that phrase is.
0:01:38 > 0:01:43Like, if your partner came out with, "Look, I'm not cheating on you, but...
0:01:45 > 0:01:47"..your brother is awesome in bed..."
0:01:48 > 0:01:50You know, you're not going to trust that person, are you?
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Everyone just sort of goes, "OK, I'm going to say this
0:01:53 > 0:01:56"and then I'm going to be really racist but you're going to have to forgive me
0:01:56 > 0:01:58"because I was so nice at this point."
0:01:58 > 0:02:00It's bullshit, it's got to go.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01It needs to go.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05In Northern Ireland we don't really do racism properly because we had a war for years.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06- Oh, you do.- We don't, really.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08We're only messing, because...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10LAUGHTER
0:02:12 > 0:02:14That is the best thing I've ever heard.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- "Oh, no, listen, we were only messing."- We totally are, though.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20For years we had, you know, "Who's the best type of white people?" war, right?
0:02:20 > 0:02:24We had that. And then everyone else came over, we're like, " Oh, hello, come on over, come on over,
0:02:24 > 0:02:27"gay people, whaaaa...? Come on over, come on over, come on over..."
0:02:27 > 0:02:28It's a bad phrase, I agree.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30It's not as bad as, "I am being racist AND...",
0:02:30 > 0:02:33which I really hate, to be perfectly honest with you.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37I think the audience cheering when you said that just shows how much Belfast has changed.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41I remember playing the Empire 15 years ago, walking onto stage
0:02:41 > 0:02:43and people just hated me cos I was English.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Um...
0:02:44 > 0:02:47APPLAUSE
0:02:47 > 0:02:48So...
0:02:52 > 0:02:55So, Jarred has gone for "I'm not racist, but..."
0:02:55 > 0:02:56Needs to go.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00I think that's good that Australians like yourself are taking a stand. LAUGHTER
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Oh, sorry, New Zealand, New Zealand, sorry.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04We need to clear that up, I am from New Zealand.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07What he just did there was the worst kind of racism.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Rivalry between Australia and New Zealand's based on the fact that Australia keeps trying
0:03:12 > 0:03:16to steal famous New Zealanders, claim them as their own. Crowded House? Great Kiwi band.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19The Aussies tried to steal them.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Russell Crowe? Oh, we've fought about him.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24"He's Aussie." "He's Kiwi." "He's Aussie." "He's Kiwi."
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Then he turned out to be a total prick, so we were like, "Australia, you can have him."
0:03:28 > 0:03:29LAUGHTER
0:03:29 > 0:03:31APPLAUSE
0:03:31 > 0:03:32He's yours.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Thanks, Jarred. OK, Mickey.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40What word or phrase would you like to see binned from the English-language?
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Man boobs.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45I know that...
0:03:45 > 0:03:48I know man boobs is a direct description of what they are,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50but I've recently grown a pair and...
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- Of man boobs?- Yeah.- Oh, right. - No-one told me, Paul.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58My dad didn't take me aside and say, "Son, one day...
0:03:58 > 0:04:00"You're going to look like Mummy."
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Mummy's from Lurgan.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05You know how it is.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I have man boobs now and they don't think it's fair,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10ladies and gentlemen, that I have to carry these things around.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11You don't understand the struggle.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14You don't know what it's like to brush your teeth as a grown man
0:04:14 > 0:04:15in the morning with no T-shirt on,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17spit toothpaste out and it lands on your own ditty.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19LAUGHTER
0:04:19 > 0:04:21APPLAUSE
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Mickey, can I just ask a question regarding the language?
0:04:28 > 0:04:33Is it that it's the boobs aspect that you don't like,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35so it's kind of making it slightly more...
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Cos you are a very ruggedly handsome man, if I may be so bold.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- With tits.- Yeah.- I don't know, I'm a lesbian...
0:04:41 > 0:04:42I'm gorgeous.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43I look like a rugby player, like, here,
0:04:43 > 0:04:46but from here down I'm like a 17-year-old netballer.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49That's very confusing! So...
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- It's sort of Caitlin Jenner's middle stage, isn't it? - THEY LAUGH
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Yeah.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Is it the boobs part that you object to and you want it to be a more...
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Cos getting rid of the word doesn't get rid of the...
0:05:00 > 0:05:03I haven't seen them, so I can't judge what they're like...
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Oh, hang on, hang on. Hang on a second!
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- That's some Arnold Schwarzenegger nonsense.- There's muscle underneath.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11- Right.- Can you do the theme tune?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13- HE SINGS:- # Bwi ba ba bada bo... #
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- I can do the...- Do them to that.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Can we actually play the theme tune again and see if Mickey can actually...?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20SCAT INTRO TO I'M A SCATMAN
0:05:20 > 0:05:22LAUGHTER
0:05:22 > 0:05:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:24 > 0:05:28MUSIC: I'm A Scatman by John Scatman
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I take it back, keep it.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35You see, that's a talent that you have there.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39- Would you like a more masculine term for what they are?- Man tits?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- Dancing pecs?- That'd be nice.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43You've got dancing pecs.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- SUSAN:- Breasticles.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Breasticles, you suggest breasticles.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50APPLAUSE
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Well done.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59I don't know about you guys, but that's the kind of comedy I like.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02We stand up, she does the comedy, beautiful.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06And thanks to my old English teacher who made it to tonight's show.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- Breasticles! - HE LAUGHS
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Susan, you're up next.
0:06:10 > 0:06:15Which word or phrase gets on your proverbial wick and you would like to see binned?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Well, the phrase I would like to see binned is,
0:06:18 > 0:06:20"What's the worst that could happen?"
0:06:22 > 0:06:26It's a phrase...my mother uses it quite a lot. She's trying to help.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I have a fear of flying.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31When I said to her, "I'm coming to Belfast," "What's the worst that could happen?"
0:06:31 > 0:06:34"I could die, Mother. That is the worst thing that could happen.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37She may as well have said to me, "You are going to die."
0:06:37 > 0:06:41I'm a negative person, to be fair, it's the way I was brought up.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- So, it's essentially optimists that you have a problem with?- OK, yes. - Yes?
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Because I think negative people like myself are essential to keep the country going.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50I agree with you.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Because if everyone was optimistic, nothing would ever get done.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56You know, it's those people who say, "Let's not plan things.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58"Let's just see what happens."
0:06:58 > 0:07:00No, let's plan everything.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04This is not so much linguistics as Susan on the psychiatrist's couch, isn't it?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06I think it is.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09I think you're getting quite a lot of support from the Northern Ireland audience,
0:07:09 > 0:07:11because Northern Irish people, we're quite...
0:07:11 > 0:07:15- We are backwards and negative and never happy.- We are.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19It feels as though Northern Ireland years and years ago said,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22"What's the worst that can happen?" and it fucking did.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25LAUGHTER
0:07:25 > 0:07:29And this comes from a man that looks like a cuddly Gerry Adams, the young years.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31LAUGHTER
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Is it not good to set expectations low, then,
0:07:35 > 0:07:37because anything else is a triumph?
0:07:37 > 0:07:42- I mean, Ryanair should have their slogan as "What's the worst that could happen?"- Yeah.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Cos if you board a Ryanair plane, and you think, "Well, I could die,"
0:07:46 > 0:07:51then when they land at an airport 75 miles away from where you thought you were going to land,
0:07:51 > 0:07:55you'll go, "This is actually all right, this is not the worst that can happen."
0:07:55 > 0:08:02I've just been on a long-haul flight and we had really terrible turbulence. Like, proper...
0:08:02 > 0:08:05You know, like you're on a rollercoaster ride.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Your bum's coming off the seat and everything. It was amazing.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11But I was looking at the flight plan
0:08:11 > 0:08:15and it was the exact same spot where that Air Malaysia flight had gone down,
0:08:15 > 0:08:18where they were searching for it, right?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21And I shouldn't have said that out loud.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25On the plus side, if it did go down, at least there would already be people looking.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28LAUGHTER
0:08:28 > 0:08:30APPLAUSE
0:08:32 > 0:08:36I tell you what, though, I would get Air Malaysia before I would get Aer Lingus.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Do you ever fly Aer Lingus?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40You know the way most planes have a serial number at the front of the plane
0:08:40 > 0:08:42and you can see it looks very responsible?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Instead of serial numbers, Aer Lingus name the planes.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48And I don't know if you know how terrifying it is to climb inside Phidelma.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50LAUGHTER
0:08:50 > 0:08:52APPLAUSE
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Er...thanks, Susan.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Paul. Your phrase.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58"Giving it 100%."
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Everybody always says you can't give anything 110%
0:09:02 > 0:09:04and they are of course right.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05It's physically impossible.
0:09:05 > 0:09:10But you can't give 100% either, because we are human beings with all our flaws and contradictions.
0:09:10 > 0:09:15If you're giving 60%, you're doing pretty well,
0:09:15 > 0:09:19so don't ever say you're giving 100%, because it's just physically impossible.
0:09:19 > 0:09:25If you're going in for surgery and just as you're passing out...
0:09:25 > 0:09:28you say to the surgeon, "Do a really good job, man," you know,
0:09:28 > 0:09:32"Save my life," and he'll go," "I'll give it 60%."
0:09:32 > 0:09:34LAUGHTER
0:09:34 > 0:09:39Even, look, dare I say it, even during the act of lovemaking...
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Going into it, you're thinking, "I'm going to give this 100%,"
0:09:42 > 0:09:46but partway through, your mind's drifting.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I'm not being racist, but you're right.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53You see, my problem is when people say they're going to give more than 100%,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56I remember seeing Wayne Rooney on an interview after a game,
0:09:56 > 0:09:59and he said, "The lads gave 150%."
0:09:59 > 0:10:04Somebody needs to take Wayne aside and kind of explain that in terms that Wayne understands.
0:10:04 > 0:10:10You know, "Wayne, that's like having two hookers in your room and trying to shag three of them."
0:10:13 > 0:10:15The first time, specifically, when you go out with someone
0:10:15 > 0:10:18and you are about to do the sexy-sexy time,
0:10:18 > 0:10:22you want the person to be, like, "I'm going to give this 100%!"
0:10:22 > 0:10:25You've got... "I'm just going to do this!"
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- Get stuck in! - The enthusiasm earns you points.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Just get right in there and don't you stop!
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- Right in there!- Don't disappoint me!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38You're only giving 60%!
0:10:39 > 0:10:42I'll be honest, the other 40% is your fault!
0:10:42 > 0:10:45APPLAUSE
0:10:45 > 0:10:49OK, we will now go to our learned audience who have heard
0:10:49 > 0:10:52tonight's arguments and, by a round of applause or a cheer,
0:10:52 > 0:10:55we will choose one that we will bin for ever from the language,
0:10:55 > 0:10:58so first up... "What's the worst that could happen?"
0:10:58 > 0:11:02APPLAUSE AND SCATTERED WHOOPING
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Next up we have "man boobs".
0:11:04 > 0:11:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:08 > 0:11:10"I'm not racist, but..."
0:11:10 > 0:11:14LOUD CHEERING AND ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Something tells me they might have to give this 100%, Paul!
0:11:18 > 0:11:19PAUL LAUGHS
0:11:19 > 0:11:22"Giving it 100%."
0:11:22 > 0:11:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:25 > 0:11:27And so I can tell you, folks, that after that round,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30going into the bin of bad language, it is
0:11:30 > 0:11:31"I'm not racist, but..."
0:11:31 > 0:11:34CHEERING
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Good riddance!
0:11:39 > 0:11:43OK, our next round is called I'll Get Me Quote.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45We have picked out a couple of quotes for our two teams.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48All they've got to do is work out who wrote what.
0:11:48 > 0:11:53OK, so Susan and Jarred, you are going first, here is your quote.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Here are your options.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03Was it Sir Elton John?
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Taylor Swift?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Kim Jong-un? LAUGHTER
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- Or Wayne Rooney?- Wow!
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Good, good range of people there.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16OK. Kim Jong-un, known for his surprise parties.
0:12:16 > 0:12:21What do we really know about North Korea?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- Very little.- I'll tell you what I know.- What?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25- South Korea is better than North Korea.- Why?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Because South Korea has got Seoul!
0:12:27 > 0:12:31LAUGHTER
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Traditionally, Wayne Rooney is thought of as perhaps not
0:12:34 > 0:12:36the world's most intelligent of gentlemen.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39I don't know, I've never met him, he might be a scholar,
0:12:39 > 0:12:43but I'm not... That's quite a big sentence,
0:12:43 > 0:12:44- isn't it?- Yeah, it is.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47And I don't know whether he would just go, "I bought you something!"
0:12:47 > 0:12:51- You know, rather than... So, next up we've got...- Elton!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Now, Elton, he likes buying stuff.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57I think Elton John... Look, this is just a theory.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Ha-ha! Tell me more, Jarred!
0:12:59 > 0:13:03I think Elton John, in the '70s, went to a costume party
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- and hasn't been home yet.- Right.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08LAUGHTER
0:13:08 > 0:13:13And the last one is the best woman alive today,
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Taylor Swift.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Love her, love her, love her.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18You are a fan?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Love her, love her, love her.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23While we're having a little think about this,
0:13:23 > 0:13:24we have an extra bonus quote.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27If someone can actually tell us who said this...
0:13:27 > 0:13:30"My neighbour opposite was washing her windows
0:13:30 > 0:13:33"and saw me dancing to Taylor Swift's Shake It Off.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37"I got a thumb up..." Sorry, "I got a thumbs-up.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40"So did she. #allgood"
0:13:40 > 0:13:42That was me!
0:13:42 > 0:13:43That was you?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- I tweeted it because it happened. - And because you've got no curtains.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Yeah, I've got no curtains,
0:13:48 > 0:13:50so I was dancing to Shake It Off in my living room.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53We can actually show you the tweet, Susan, here it is.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Which is... You know, I think that's a lovely tweet.
0:13:55 > 0:14:00If we have a little look at the time that that tweet took place at...
0:14:00 > 0:14:02LAUGHTER
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I'm not sure what's more enjoyable,
0:14:04 > 0:14:06the fact that you were actually dancing to Taylor Swift
0:14:06 > 0:14:08at four o'clock in the morning
0:14:08 > 0:14:11or your Glasgow neighbour was washing her windows.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16OK, I have insomnia, so I don't sleep,
0:14:16 > 0:14:19but what I do is I go into the living room and I just...
0:14:19 > 0:14:21I put on my headphones and I dance around the place
0:14:21 > 0:14:24because it's better than sitting worrying about life, so...
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Cue the music.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- # I'm dancing on my own... # - Oh, no!
0:14:28 > 0:14:30# ..I'll make the moves up as I go... #
0:14:30 > 0:14:31So, it's...
0:14:31 > 0:14:33CHEERING
0:14:49 > 0:14:53And we just have a special present for Susan here.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56This is a little photograph we thought you might be interested in.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Here we go.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Oh, you... Oh, my God!
0:15:00 > 0:15:04That is when the PK met the Taytay.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06When did that happen?
0:15:06 > 0:15:09That happened in Nashville couple of years ago
0:15:09 > 0:15:10and she has got a thumb up,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13that's why I've got that expression there too.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15LAUGHTER
0:15:15 > 0:15:17So, I think she is a generous woman.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20She's going out with a Scotsman now, so she's got great taste.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22- Yes, she is!- Calvin Harris.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Let's do it in her voice. Let's try it in everybody's voices
0:15:25 > 0:15:27apart from Kim Jong-un's cos that could get awkward.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- Oh, yes, right.- Wayne Rooney.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- Um, where is he from? Liverpool? - Liverpool.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- IN EXAGGERATED SCOUSE ACCENT:- Fucking hell!
0:15:34 > 0:15:38GUTTURAL GIBBERISH
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- I don't think it was him. - I don't think it was him.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- Shall I do Taylor Swift? - You SHOULD do Taylor Swift.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47LAUGHTER
0:15:50 > 0:15:55SUSAN READS IN AN EXAGGERATED AMERICAN ACCENT
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- It's a Muppet I was doing. - It's Taylor Swift!
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- I think it's Taylor Swift. - You think it is Taylor Swift?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- Yeah.- I would say that as well.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07Wayne Rooney? Yeah.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Kim Jong-un hasn't written an autobiography,
0:16:09 > 0:16:12it just wouldn't sell that well outside of North Korea,
0:16:12 > 0:16:14so it's between Taylor Swift and Wayne Rooney.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- It's Wayne Rooney.- OK.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- I'm going to go with my captain. Wayne Rooney.- SUSAN:- Damn it!
0:16:19 > 0:16:21The correct answer, of course,
0:16:21 > 0:16:22is Wayne Rooney.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24APPLAUSE
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Paul's team, here is your quote.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Whose words are they?
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Is it Daniel Craig?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Michael Flatley?
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Danny Dyer?
0:16:49 > 0:16:50Or Bruce Forsyth?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52There we go.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- PAUL:- Michael Flatley was born in Chicago.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- Have you seen the way he dances? - He doesn't even dance!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59I hate him! In Lord Of The Dance, if you ever watch that show,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02he doesn't even dance, he waits right till the end
0:17:02 > 0:17:04and then he walks out and slaps someone's arse
0:17:04 > 0:17:05and does a Usain Bolt and takes...
0:17:05 > 0:17:07He just takes all the credit.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09There's 400 blokes standing behind him, knackered,
0:17:09 > 0:17:12like "Why is he getting all the money?!"
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Being from New Zealand and seeing Lord Of The Dance,
0:17:16 > 0:17:20and Michael Flatley stuff, from an outsider's perspective as well,
0:17:20 > 0:17:21I just want to say,
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- I think it's awful.- Yeah.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25LAUGHTER
0:17:25 > 0:17:27APPLAUSE
0:17:29 > 0:17:33The thing is, whenever you are immersed in a particular thing,
0:17:33 > 0:17:37so in...in Scotland, if a tourist comes up,
0:17:37 > 0:17:41I am trained to be Jimmy Krankie, Lulu or Nicola Sturgeon.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- So... - Will you do the Braveheart thing?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47OK, OK, OK!
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- I love the Braveheart thing! - We're all taught this at school now!
0:17:50 > 0:17:51OK...
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- SHRIEKS:- FREEDOM!
0:17:54 > 0:17:55So good!
0:17:55 > 0:17:58It's like there is an Australian in the room.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01My favourite Mel Gibson story about Braveheart,
0:18:01 > 0:18:04it was actually filmed in Ireland and they filmed it down at Ardmore
0:18:04 > 0:18:07and they give them the Irish army as extras
0:18:07 > 0:18:11and they all dressed up as the warriors
0:18:11 > 0:18:15and Mel Gibson turned up one day and all the guys were in costume
0:18:15 > 0:18:18and he thought he would have a bit of banter with one of the guys,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21just to... And he said, "And what's under your kilt?"
0:18:21 > 0:18:23He went, "Your wife's lipstick."
0:18:23 > 0:18:27LAUGHTER
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- PAUL:- It doesn't sound like Bruce.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33He wouldn't say "pasting", though, would he?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35It's just not his language.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Daniel Craig is...rumoured to be
0:18:37 > 0:18:40being replaced by Idris Elba, causing great controversy.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- I'm not being racist, but...- Yeah.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I'd like to see Michael Flatley replaced by Idris Elba,
0:18:46 > 0:18:48that would be a fantastic cultural change.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I would like to see the first black Lord Of The Dance.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- I think that would be great. - I think that would work.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54I thought you were going to say,
0:18:54 > 0:18:57"I'd like to see Michael Flatley be the next James Bond."
0:18:57 > 0:18:59That would have been an entirely different...
0:18:59 > 0:19:00He could actually do the...
0:19:00 > 0:19:04HE HUMS THE JAMES BOND THEME AND TAPS FEET IN TIME
0:19:06 > 0:19:08You think it's Bruce?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- Yeah, I think it's Bruce. - What do you think?
0:19:10 > 0:19:14- SUSAN:- Well, the text, I don't think it's Bruce
0:19:14 > 0:19:17because I don't think he would necessarily give anyone a pasting.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20It's true, actually, Bruce would probably have chinned them.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22- The only thing... - AUDIENCE GROANS
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Oh, come on!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26What I was going to say is, I think Michael Flatley...
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Somewhere in the back of my mind, reading up on Riverdance,
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I think he did boxing at some point,
0:19:31 > 0:19:34so I think it would be Flatley, actually. Would you agree?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36I would say Flatley.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40OK, guys, it is your question, so we are going to need an answer.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- I think it's Danny Dyer. - Yeah, go for Danny Dyer.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44You are agreed with Danny Dyer.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I can tell you that the correct answer was
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- Bruce Forsyth.- Oh-ho-ho!
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Bruce Forsyth who said he gave his abuser...
0:19:52 > 0:19:54AS BRUCE: "..a right pasting."
0:19:54 > 0:19:55APPLAUSE
0:19:55 > 0:19:58And at the end of that round, the winners are Paul and Micky.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01CHEERING
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Now, as we all know,
0:20:05 > 0:20:09language is a powerful tool that can be used for both good and evil.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11At best, it can inspire and seduce,
0:20:11 > 0:20:14at worst, it can make us buy useless crap from the home shopping channel
0:20:14 > 0:20:16when we come in from the pub pissed.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Our next round is called Ad-libs,
0:20:18 > 0:20:20where we ask our two teams to park their morals
0:20:20 > 0:20:23and embrace the language of advertising
0:20:23 > 0:20:26to sell us a range of genuine items.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31First of all, for Paul's team, here is your item.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34If you can actually guess what words Paul and Micky will use
0:20:34 > 0:20:38when they are trying to sell these beautiful items,
0:20:38 > 0:20:40it will be a point for each.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42- We'll pass them across. - Thank you.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Shall we put them on?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I think it would be better if you did, yeah.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48It actually says Handerpants.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- OK, time up, stop writing now. - Yep, yep, yep, yep.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- Time up!- Yes, done, done.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55What are you going to do? What are you going to do?!
0:20:57 > 0:21:01This is the most bizarre game of bingo I have ever seen in my life.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- How did they get so many words on so...- I know!
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Guys! Stop!
0:21:07 > 0:21:08OK, guys.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11These are called Handerpants. You've got to admire the...
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- BUZZER - Pants!
0:21:13 > 0:21:15But that's what they're called!
0:21:15 > 0:21:16Doesn't matter, mate.
0:21:16 > 0:21:21They are underpants for your hands. Why...
0:21:21 > 0:21:22- BUZZER - Hand!
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Good lateral thinking there, Jarred, I don't know how you got to that(!)
0:21:27 > 0:21:31We've all been, thanks to Tinder and Match.com and whatnot,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33on dates that weren't quite right.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Well, this is the polite way of getting out of date.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Don't look like the bad one by getting out in the middle of dinner,
0:21:39 > 0:21:43simply put this on and go, "I really would like to fondle your hair,"
0:21:43 > 0:21:44and before long, you know,
0:21:44 > 0:21:47she will have disappeared and the date will be over.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50So, it is a great advantage to get out of difficult dates.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53That's as good as I can do at the moment. Can you do anything?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56What we do is we put a little bit of chocolate just here...
0:21:56 > 0:21:59GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I watched a documentary recently called
0:22:06 > 0:22:08The Man With The Small Arse And Five Willies.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Oh! - JARRED BUZZES REPEATEDLY
0:22:13 > 0:22:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I can't believe I put down "willy"!
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- MICKY:- This is a stupid game! - I have literally never been happier!
0:22:24 > 0:22:27The psychologist Pavlov, of course, explored the idea
0:22:27 > 0:22:31that certain conditioning would make you think of certain things,
0:22:31 > 0:22:32so having pants on your hands
0:22:32 > 0:22:35will always disgust people. This is the most
0:22:35 > 0:22:38disgusting thing I've ever seen! What is wrong with gloves?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- Oh, shit! - BUZZER
0:22:40 > 0:22:43LAUGHTER
0:22:45 > 0:22:47So let's have the cards. Here we go. Let's see...
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Well, they did get quite a lot, I have to say.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Yeah, lost count, mate!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53We have this, which is...
0:22:53 > 0:22:54Paul.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57I was expecting one of you to at least say each other's name,
0:22:57 > 0:22:58- but you didn't do it.- Oh!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04David Beckham. Well, you see, I thought they might have gone with
0:23:04 > 0:23:05make your hands look like David Beckham.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07- Yes.- Good shout.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11So you can stay at home and think that David Beckham is...
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Oh, come on, David!
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Oh, no!
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Oh, David, get off me!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Oh, no, David!
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Shame, David!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24I'll show you the meaning of golden balls!
0:23:26 > 0:23:28These are the Handerpants.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31How much do we think we paid for these?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- That... That's a five...- £19.95!
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- That's a £5 job, that's a £5 job.- No, way less.
0:23:37 > 0:23:42- PAUL:- 957...- I'm going for, like, three quid in a pound shop.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Three quid in a pound shop?! You've been ripped off, mate!
0:23:45 > 0:23:46I know!
0:23:48 > 0:23:50The actual price for our Handerpants
0:23:50 > 0:23:53was £8.90.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Susan's team, this is your item -
0:23:56 > 0:23:59this beautiful teapot
0:23:59 > 0:24:01with a clock.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03There we go. So we'll pass this over.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05That's very, very delicate.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06So, we are selling this?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09You are selling this as best you can.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11I've watched a lot of home shopping channels.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13I love them. Diamonique?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Does anyone ever watch the Diamonique hour? It's great.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- The what?- Diamonique.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- ENGLISH ACCENT:- It's like real diamonds, but it's not diamonds,
0:24:20 > 0:24:22but no-one will know it's not a diamond
0:24:22 > 0:24:24and it's only £5, but it looks like a diamond.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Time's up, guys, by the way.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27- PAUL:- Really? - Time's up, there we go.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31- OK, so...- Welcome... - ..Susan and Jarred, off you go.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35So, hi, everyone, and welcome to this home shopping hour
0:24:35 > 0:24:37with myself and Jarred.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38What are we selling today, Jarred?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Today, we are selling, em, the...
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Clocktease.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46BUZZER Yeah, clock.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48We'll give you a point for that. Continue.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- Clocktease is one word. - LAUGHTER
0:24:51 > 0:24:52And tell me something,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55I can do what and what at the same time?
0:24:55 > 0:24:59I can quench me thirst, but also check what time it is?
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Yes, you can.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Do you think this is suitable for all ages, Jarred?
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I would recommend...pensioners,
0:25:07 > 0:25:11but I would not rule out under-pensionage age.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14So, if you want to buy this beautiful Clocktease,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17you can just phone in just now. How much is it again, Jarred?
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Three...
0:25:18 > 0:25:20easy...
0:25:20 > 0:25:21payment instalments
0:25:21 > 0:25:24of a price that you can't quite afford!
0:25:24 > 0:25:26The Clocktease. There you go, ladies and gentlemen,
0:25:26 > 0:25:28hope you enjoy it. Hope you buy it.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29BUZZER
0:25:29 > 0:25:32APPLAUSE
0:25:32 > 0:25:34There it is, the Clocktease.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Guys, let's have a little look.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38- I don't even want to hand these over.- Here we go.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Let's see what's in the brain of Micky and Paul.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43First up, we have...
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Lapsang souchong. I thought they might name a tea.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51- SUSAN:- How specific did they think we were going to be?!
0:25:51 > 0:25:54You've come to Ireland and you are naming posh tea?!
0:25:54 > 0:25:57People are going, "That's not Barry's!"
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Spout?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I panicked and started writing down what I saw.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- Taylor Swift! - I'm not obsessed with her!
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I'm not going to say everything about Taylor Swift.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11I'll be honest, Taylor Swift is on the tip of her tongue.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18It is the Dawn's Bright Herald Teapot Clock,
0:26:18 > 0:26:19it is part of a range.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22You can have it with the robin on top,
0:26:22 > 0:26:24a tit on the bottom
0:26:24 > 0:26:26or a thrush on the spout, apparently.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28That's what they say.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Ooh, well done!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35I can tell you, ladies and gentlemen,
0:26:35 > 0:26:38that we bought that from the home shopping channel for...
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Paul, what do we think?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42- Well, I'll...- It's up to you. - I'll go with you.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Eight quid.
0:26:44 > 0:26:4525.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47LAUGHTER
0:26:47 > 0:26:50The audience laughing because we think that's too high or too low?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- AUDIENCE:- Too high. - Too high? Really?
0:26:53 > 0:26:57£68.97.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Ha-ha-ha-ha! All of you, "It's not worth anything!"
0:27:00 > 0:27:03It's what we paid for this piece of...
0:27:03 > 0:27:06There it is. There it is.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08It's solid, that, isn't it?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11It is solid, I was very much... Oh, I'm so sorry.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12I'm so sorry, Susan.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Susan has gone Acorn Antiques on us!
0:27:15 > 0:27:17If that's worth 68 quid,
0:27:17 > 0:27:20I'll get something for it at the airport on the way home!
0:27:26 > 0:27:28And so, at the end of the show, I can tell you that
0:27:28 > 0:27:30in second place this evening,
0:27:30 > 0:27:32let's give it up for Paul and for Micky.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34APPLAUSE
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Which means that tonight's supercalifragilisticexpialidociouses
0:27:38 > 0:27:40are Susan and Jarred.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42CHEERING
0:27:42 > 0:27:44There we are!
0:27:46 > 0:27:47And before we go,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50if you think you've used some bad language in your time,
0:27:50 > 0:27:52remember it could be a lot worse, like this.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08And finally, this one from a guy who was so drunk
0:28:08 > 0:28:10he ended up texting himself.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21That is all we have time for. A big thanks to our guests,
0:28:21 > 0:28:23to Susan Calman and Jarred Christmas
0:28:23 > 0:28:25and to Paul Sinha and to Micky Bartlett.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28I'm Patrick Kielty. Thank you very much, goodnight.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE