0:00:11 > 0:00:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Hello and welcome to Bad Language,
0:00:24 > 0:00:27the show all about everyday words, phrases and sayings.
0:00:27 > 0:00:32Joining team captain Susan Calman, we have Mr Mark Watson.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:35 > 0:00:38And with captain Paul Sinha, tonight we have Mr Des Clarke.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:42 > 0:00:46We kick off with our first round, entitled I'll Get Me Quote,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49where we give our teams some words of wisdom from bestselling
0:00:49 > 0:00:54celebrity authors. All they have to do is work out who wrote what.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Susan and Mark, it's you to go first and here is your quote.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07It's obviously a great personality(!)
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Is it Miley Cyrus,
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Simon Cowell,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12AP McCoy
0:01:12 > 0:01:13or Arnold Schwarzenegger?
0:01:13 > 0:01:17- Wow.- Mmm.- Let's just see the quote.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19- Thank you...- There... Oops!
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Ha-ha-ha!
0:01:20 > 0:01:23LAUGHTER
0:01:26 > 0:01:28It's gone right through!
0:01:28 > 0:01:31AS RICHIE BENAUD: "And that's gone for four."
0:01:31 > 0:01:34It was like watching a corner being badly defended.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37That was the agility part of the show, that no-one warned me about.
0:01:37 > 0:01:42- AP McCoy...- He might have had an injury, he could be talking about.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- Could've.- He could have fallen off a horse and...- Could've.
0:01:45 > 0:01:51- ..and smashed it up or something. - Yeah. Schwarzenegger, who has just
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- taken over The Apprentice in America...- Yes, he has.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57..which is a great show. It used to be The Trump that did it.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Yeah, a difficult job of replacing Trump
0:01:59 > 0:02:02with someone even more batshit.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05A thing that sums up why I love Scotland immensely
0:02:05 > 0:02:07is that Donald Trump - you probably know this, Des -
0:02:07 > 0:02:11he was trying to build a golf course in Scotland and everyone was
0:02:11 > 0:02:13annoyed at him. He came up to do this press conference
0:02:13 > 0:02:17and some jolly Scottish person stood behind him with a balloon...
0:02:18 > 0:02:22..and got his hair going up. So...
0:02:24 > 0:02:28And I love that, because actually, Scotland isn't a nation full of
0:02:28 > 0:02:30drunken idiots, it's full of very nice people.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34So, Schwarzenegger, do you think he would say
0:02:34 > 0:02:36something like that? I don't think so.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39It doesn't sound like Schwarzenegger talking, does it?
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Can you do it in his accent, Mark?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I'll just check... No.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Can anybody do it in his accent?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Luckily, I can.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- DEEP VOICE:- To this day, my left cheek is numb.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I put my hand up and touch my left cheek -
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- if feels like I'm touching something else.- That was bang on, yeah!
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Right.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00APPLAUSE
0:03:02 > 0:03:07Eh, so, next up we have Simon Cowell. He had that test recently,
0:03:07 > 0:03:09- didn't he?- To see when he was going to die.- Yeah.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- 95, he claimed.- He did, actually. You're a doctor. Is that safe?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Is botox something we should be thinking about?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18A retired GP. It's not technically a doctor,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21it's more of a counsellor, with some extra skills.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25If I was a retired GP, I'd be saying I was a doctor.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28I go to the GP a lot. I HOPE he's a doctor.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Has he ever asked you for a urine sample?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34No, he has never asked me for a urine sample.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37All GPs should ask you for a urine sample. Do you know why?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Buys you five minutes to Google the symptoms.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Is it possible to predict the age that someone's going to die?
0:03:44 > 0:03:48I think they look at the person's ego and tell them what answer
0:03:48 > 0:03:49will make them happy.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Is this something you would like to do, Des, do you think?
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Yeah, being from Glasgow, I just presumed the answer would be 38.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I'd like to know the date.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00I'd quite like to know the date, but I think the best time to die
0:04:00 > 0:04:04would be that bit between Christmas and New Year, cos you never know
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- what to do then, anyway. - Let's have a little look,
0:04:07 > 0:04:11if some of us did live to a ripe old age, this is the scientific
0:04:11 > 0:04:15mock-up of what we would look like. Who have we got?
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Oh, no! My!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- DES: - You look a bit Wallace and Gromit.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- Yeah.- Slightly cum face, as well.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30- So, we need an answer.- Think we are going to go for AP McCoy.- Yeah.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- You're going to go with AP McCoy? - Yeah.- We'll try and sneak a point.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37- We'll go for Arnie.- I can tell you that the correct answer is...
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- It is AP McCoy!- Yes!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Paul and Des,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47here is your quote.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Here's your options...
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Prince Charles...
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Sharon Osbourne,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Ray Winstone
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- or Liam Gallagher.- Wow.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- MARK:- It's got to be Prince Charles, doesn't it(?)
0:05:07 > 0:05:10In a real candid moment, he probably realised he is never
0:05:10 > 0:05:13going to be king, so he thinks, "I'll tell people honestly."
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- IMITATES CHARLES: - "Yes, we've done fuck all."
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Prince Charles is now officially retired and he still hasn't got
0:05:20 > 0:05:24- the job that he's meant to have gotten.- Is he officially retired?
0:05:24 > 0:05:28- Yeah.- So, he's just going to sit in a big house and earn benefits?
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- Yeah.- So different to what he's done for the previous 60-odd years(!)
0:05:32 > 0:05:34That's a shame. I think they should give him a shot.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37I think that's a bit drastic!
0:05:38 > 0:05:41You're not the first person in Belfast that's said that.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Ray Winstone's a great actor, but I have as problem with him,
0:05:43 > 0:05:47which is that he terrifies everybody into betting. When he appears
0:05:47 > 0:05:50on screen, I'm 100 quid down within five minutes. That's how
0:05:50 > 0:05:53intimidating he is. I used to have a problem with gambling,
0:05:53 > 0:05:57which reached its worst point when I put 20 quid on a horse at 15 to one
0:05:57 > 0:06:00and horses are shit at general knowledge.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02ALL: Oh!
0:06:02 > 0:06:07In the quizzing community, you're going to be a legend for that one.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09We don't think it's Prince Charles, do we?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11It's possible he had a drunken moment.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15- Yeah, possibly. I met Prince Charles.- Where did you meet him?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17I met him in a Wetherspoons.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20No, I met him at one of these Prince's Trust events
0:06:20 > 0:06:24and I was standing in a queue of people and it was Ant and Dec,
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Diversity, then me. Diversity are a dance group,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31in case you thought that's just how I refer to ethnic people.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37"Me - there was some diversity."
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Whilst meeting Prince Charles, I figured that he wasn't
0:06:41 > 0:06:44understanding me at all, cos nothing was communicating.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- So, I said... - SLOWLY:- "Are you OK with my accent?"
0:06:46 > 0:06:50So, I'm now talking like he's deaf -
0:06:50 > 0:06:53the man with the biggest ears in the known world.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55And he goes like that...
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- IMITATES CHARLES:- I'm all right with the Scottish accent,
0:06:58 > 0:07:01unless you've had a couple of drinks.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I said, "I'll try not to get pished, then." And he pissed off.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08I saw the Queen from a distance at the Commonwealth Games.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12- How much of a distance?- Quite far. - She was in the long jump?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14No, she was on the telly.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- PAUL:- I don't think Sharon Osbourne would say it.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- She does swear heavily, though, doesn't she, Sharon?- Yeah.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Whereas, I think Liam Gallagher would say it as a badge of pride.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Ray Winstone just wouldn't have a go at his family,
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- cos it's not the done thing for a working-class East Londoner.- Fam'ly!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- COCKNEY ACCENT: - "It's not what I do."
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- Shall we go for Liam? - I think Liam Gallagher, yeah.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36I'd go for that.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39I'm thinking it's Sharon Osbourne.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- We'll go Osbourne, I think. - Yeah, we'll go Osbourne.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44You're going Gallagher, you're going Osbourne.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46The correct answer is Ray Winstone.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- Oh!- Oh!- That means that... you're both wrong.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53APPLAUSE
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Our next round is called Osama Bin Language...
0:07:58 > 0:07:59MACHINEGUN FIRE
0:07:59 > 0:08:01..where we ask...
0:08:01 > 0:08:03LAUGHTER
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- Was that a deliberate sound effect or someone...- I didn't even order
0:08:06 > 0:08:10a sound effect. I have no idea what's going on tonight in Belfast.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13..where we ask our teams to nominate a word or a phrase that they think
0:08:13 > 0:08:16is a menace to society and should be taken out.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21Then, our highly-intellectual audience will decide which one
0:08:21 > 0:08:24should be permanently removed from conversation.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Paul, you're up first.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Which word or phrase most gets on your proverbial wick
0:08:29 > 0:08:30and you'd like to see binned?
0:08:30 > 0:08:33This might be a bit controversial, but I am going to go for
0:08:33 > 0:08:37"happy hour". Now, I have my reasons for this.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Britain is a problem drinker.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Northern Ireland is a problem drinker.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43The Republic of Ireland is a problem drinker.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44I am a problem drinker.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48And it all starts with the advertising of alcohol. Happy hour
0:08:48 > 0:08:53is a very positive spin on a series of events that don't tend
0:08:53 > 0:08:57to end up being that happy. And I should know, I used to be a doctor.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00I spent 18 months as an accident and emergency doctor
0:09:00 > 0:09:03in a small town in Norfolk called King's Lynn and all I did
0:09:03 > 0:09:06was stitch up the wounds of drunk, abusive thugs. Go to King's Lynn,
0:09:06 > 0:09:10you will see the evidence - thousands of men with scars
0:09:10 > 0:09:14on their face, in the shape of two balls and a cock. That was...
0:09:14 > 0:09:15LAUGHTER
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Anything that says, so this is happy hour
0:09:18 > 0:09:23and, generally, in Glasgow, that tends to be between five and six,
0:09:23 > 0:09:26to attract people into the pub. No-one's really that happy between
0:09:26 > 0:09:28five and six in the evening.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31No, it's actually five and six in the morning.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33This is true, actually. I went through Glasgow Airport once
0:09:33 > 0:09:37and I thought we could drink. The pub in Glasgow Airport
0:09:37 > 0:09:42had a pint and a full English breakfast, right, for three quid.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- An English breakfast? In Glasgow? - I realised how controversial
0:09:46 > 0:09:48- that actually is.- It's wrong to say
0:09:48 > 0:09:51that in Glasgow or in Scotland, we don't like the English.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55My sister owns one... is married to an English person.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01So, I think the spin is too happy.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04The events that follow don't tend to be happy.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08You can only call it happy hour if you are genuinely honest about what
0:10:08 > 0:10:11the other hours involve - drunk hour, increasingly-drunk hour,
0:10:11 > 0:10:13vomit on the dress hour, crawl in the toilet hour,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16punchy-punchy hour. I was punched in Glasgow,
0:10:16 > 0:10:21- in a kebab shop, at one in the morning.- I'm sorry about that, Paul.
0:10:21 > 0:10:26And we need to rename it. A happy hour should be renamed
0:10:26 > 0:10:28half-price poison hour, I think.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31That is a more honest description of what it is.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34You can see how baffled an Irish audience is with the notion
0:10:34 > 0:10:37of only one hour in the day to get drunk.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Anything which has in its title, happy hour -
0:10:41 > 0:10:44this is the hour to be happy. They used to sell fun-sized
0:10:44 > 0:10:46chocolate bars.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Fun-size. And they were tiny. Now, a fun-sized chocolate bar
0:10:49 > 0:10:52is one that is the size of me.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56That is a fun-size! One that you can sleep in is a fun size.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Don't tell me that is a fun chocolate bar.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Something you can sit in your underpants and watch a full box set
0:11:02 > 0:11:06- of Sex and the City to?- Yeah! God! The nights Paddy and I have had
0:11:06 > 0:11:09together doing that. Honestly, the tales I could tell you.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Yes, we had, girlfriend!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12This is weird for me, cos I don't drink.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16- What?- I know that, in front of an audience here in Belfast
0:11:16 > 0:11:19and in Glasgow, everyone thinks that there is a back story
0:11:19 > 0:11:22that you're not telling them. I just don't like the taste.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23I'm high on heroin.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27In some ways, Des is the most sinister of all friends.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Cos I've known Des a long time.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31It's a sinister thing to have a sober friend,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34who remembers EVERYTHING.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38I have three sex tapes of Susan Calman.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40LAUGHTER
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Oh, that would be horrific!
0:11:45 > 0:11:49I once went out with someone with the same name as me
0:11:49 > 0:11:52and it's... I don't know if anyone here has ever done that.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55It's kind of the same as if you go out - it's about language,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58technically - if you go out with someone who has got the name of
0:11:58 > 0:12:01your mum or dad, depending on what sexuality you are,
0:12:01 > 0:12:04it's really wrong, because you shout out your mum or dad's name
0:12:04 > 0:12:06and it can put you off for life.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08It's more wrong if you actually shout "Mum!"
0:12:13 > 0:12:17The thing is, if you're Irish, I have shouted out my mum's name
0:12:17 > 0:12:19loads of times when I'm having sex.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- Really?- Yeah.
0:12:21 > 0:12:26- Why?- Cos you go, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!"
0:12:26 > 0:12:29APPLAUSE
0:12:31 > 0:12:33OK, moving on...
0:12:33 > 0:12:38- Susan, you're up next. - I would like to put a phrase
0:12:38 > 0:12:42into the bin of bad language - "With the greatest of respect..."
0:12:42 > 0:12:45What follows is never anything nice. You never say,
0:12:45 > 0:12:48"With the greatest of respect, you're looking lovely today, Des."
0:12:48 > 0:12:52There is always something horrific afterwards, but what they are
0:12:52 > 0:12:54trying to do is have a disclaimer of some sort, to say,
0:12:54 > 0:12:58"I'm about to insult you, but I'm just preparing you for it,
0:12:58 > 0:13:02- "cos I'm saying it with a good heart.- I quite like
0:13:02 > 0:13:03- cushioning the blow.- Do you?
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Yeah. If someone says, "With the greatest of respect,
0:13:07 > 0:13:12"I hate you and your family"... "Well, he still respected me."
0:13:12 > 0:13:16- Yeah.- But if I said to you, "With the greatest of respect,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19"I hate you and your family", that is not any respect.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23We live in a world where maybe we are slightly PC and we don't like
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- to offend people, but things still need to be said.- They do.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31So, possibly, it is showing some respect to at least prepare them.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34It's like when people come up to me - I don't know if this
0:13:34 > 0:13:39happens to you - and go, "Do you know who IS funny? Frankie Boyle".
0:13:39 > 0:13:43"Oh, thanks very much, indeed(!)" What they are essentially saying is,
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- "You're not, but I'll tell you who is."- I have that.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49I'm standing there for an hour, he's still naming people.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Taxi drivers give you a league table
0:13:51 > 0:13:54of everyone that has ever been funny apart from you.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Have you even been confused with or mistaken for another comedian?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Yeah. I had my glasses on and this guy shouted, "Baddiel! Baddiel!"
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I said, "I'm sorry, but I'm not David Baddiel."
0:14:04 > 0:14:07And the guy said, "That's what you always say!"
0:14:07 > 0:14:10I said, "Yeah, it is. It is, because I'm not him."
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Any of you guys been confused with anyone else?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15A fatter, older Donnie Osmond,
0:14:15 > 0:14:18and, then, a young lad at the National TV Awards
0:14:18 > 0:14:21waited 45 minutes for a photograph, walked up to me and said,
0:14:21 > 0:14:24"I've got a brilliant idea. It's for a sunbed that you sit in
0:14:24 > 0:14:26"while you're watching telly."
0:14:26 > 0:14:30And I just went, "You think I'm on Dragons' Den, don't you?"
0:14:30 > 0:14:32And he looked utterly heartbroken
0:14:32 > 0:14:35that he had waited 45 minutes for a photograph with somebody
0:14:35 > 0:14:37he didn't actually know who they were.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39It was a genuinely beautiful moment.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42I'd love if you then shagged him and at the end of it said, "I'm out".
0:14:45 > 0:14:48OK, so...Des,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50what word gets on your wick?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Well, I'm not going to raise the tone, in any way,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56because I'd like to get rid of the phrase "bumfluff".
0:14:56 > 0:14:58LOUD FEMALE LAUGHTER
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Sounds like she'd like to get rid of hers, as well.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER
0:15:03 > 0:15:06You're grown up and you've got this at a very young age,
0:15:06 > 0:15:11standing out and then, the name for it isn't "man face".
0:15:11 > 0:15:16You said that with such anger! "It's not man face!"
0:15:16 > 0:15:17It's bumfluff. Why?
0:15:17 > 0:15:22Why are you comparing this onset of puberty, this sprouting of hair
0:15:22 > 0:15:24on your face to a hairy old arse?
0:15:26 > 0:15:30But most bums... Can we say it? Most bums don't really have fl-...
0:15:30 > 0:15:32LAUGHTER
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- I would imagine that... - They have not normally got a beard,
0:15:34 > 0:15:39- to be fair.- It depends, it depends. - But if you are quite hairy,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42is the hair on your bum not thicker and generally darker?
0:15:42 > 0:15:47- Some people have finer, downy-type...- Really?
0:15:47 > 0:15:51..hair on their bum. As a lady gets older, it is something
0:15:51 > 0:15:55that happens. Young women go, "It's never going to happen to me!"
0:15:55 > 0:15:56Whoof! David Bellamy!
0:15:56 > 0:16:01And I have got incredibly-long toe hair, like a Hobbit.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05And I like it, because, ladies, if you've not done it,
0:16:05 > 0:16:08sandals in the summertime, feeling the wind in your toe hair
0:16:08 > 0:16:11is the most freeing thing.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14But sometimes, if I am, you know, going out in public, my wife says,
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- "Can we do something? You look like a shire horse."- Yes.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19And she'll pluck my toe hair for me.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24Looking at this audience, there are quite a lot of young men there
0:16:24 > 0:16:27with real lesbian fantasies. And they...
0:16:27 > 0:16:31- They've all been crushed.- Yeah! Any of the films you've watched
0:16:31 > 0:16:33are factually incorrect.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37I'm imagining you were a hairy... hairy from the moment you were born?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40I had the sort of problem Des was talking about.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- I'm the only person here with any sort of facial hair.- But it's weird
0:16:43 > 0:16:47the way it has changed. It used to be, manly people used to have hair.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- You used to look at Sean Connery... - What are you saying?!
0:16:50 > 0:16:52LAUGHTER
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- It used to be manly!- Now, it's pathetic little people like me!
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- No, that's not what I meant!- "I used to respect people with beards."
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Mark, what is the word you would like to see binned?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Well, based on what we've heard, I think the phrase I'd most like to
0:17:09 > 0:17:12bin is "three sex tapes of Susan Calman".
0:17:12 > 0:17:17The thing I think I'd like to get rid of is the word "contemporary",
0:17:17 > 0:17:19cos it is used so much in advertising now.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21It, basically, doesn't mean anything.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Like a restaurant, it will say "contemporary cooking".
0:17:24 > 0:17:28All it means is, just, cooking. It's very hard to see how food
0:17:28 > 0:17:31could not be contemporary, really, unless you went in the restaurant
0:17:31 > 0:17:34and suddenly it was medieval times. But you see it everywhere -
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- "contemporary hair styles"... - You clearly haven't been in
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Shaftesbury Square in Belfast on a Saturday night at 12 o'clock.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44I once ate lunch in a hotel in Cork
0:17:44 > 0:17:46and, for a starter, I had egg mayonnaise.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48When it was delivered to me,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50it was a boiled egg with a dollop of mayonnaise next to it.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Now, I would suggest that is not contemporary cooking.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58- I will put my neck out there.- To be fair, it said "egg mayonnaise".
0:17:58 > 0:18:02You got egg and mayonnaise. They just forgot to put the "and" sign
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- in between.- I remember bringing the missus back to a small restaurant
0:18:05 > 0:18:08near Dundrum. I'll not name it, you know, to embarrass it -
0:18:08 > 0:18:09The Maghera Inn -
0:18:09 > 0:18:13and the girl who knows me, she came over and she said,
0:18:13 > 0:18:18"Great to see you, Paddy. And we have four vegetables tonight.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21"We have chips, we have garlic mash,
0:18:21 > 0:18:25"we have dauphinoise potatoes and we have potato wedges."
0:18:25 > 0:18:28And my wife, she was sitting on the opposite side of the table
0:18:28 > 0:18:31and thought the girl was doing the old "Potato, potato!" routine.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33And she burst out laughing. I'm kicking her under the table -
0:18:33 > 0:18:36"No, they ARE the four vegetables."
0:18:36 > 0:18:39My mother produced an extraordinary
0:18:39 > 0:18:44item, which turned out to be part of her wedding cake.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48It was traditional that you kept your wedding cake. I didn't,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51cos when I got married, everyone ate the cake.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Generally, here in Northern Ireland, when you get married, it's quite
0:18:54 > 0:18:56tricky to get hold of a cake.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58LAUGHTER
0:18:58 > 0:18:59APPLAUSE
0:18:59 > 0:19:00But, erm...
0:19:02 > 0:19:07Thanks, Mark. We can only put one phrase into the bin of bad language.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12Audience, it is up to you, by applause and enthusiasm.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Is it going to be Paul's "happy hour"?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17APPLAUSE
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Is it going to be Mark's "contemporary"?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22APPLAUSE
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Yeah, I think I've won!
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Is it Des' "bumfluff"?
0:19:26 > 0:19:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:32 > 0:19:35And is it "With the greatest respect"?
0:19:35 > 0:19:39MASS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:39 > 0:19:43I think you'll find, with the greatest respect, Des,
0:19:43 > 0:19:45our winner is Susan and Mark!
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Yes!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Come on!
0:19:50 > 0:19:54Now, as we all know, language can be used for both good and for evil -
0:19:54 > 0:19:58to inspire, to seduce or just to make us buy useless crap
0:19:58 > 0:20:01from the home shopping channel when we come in pissed from the pub.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05In our next round, we have asked our teams to shed their scruples
0:20:05 > 0:20:08and embrace the language of advertising, to sell a range
0:20:08 > 0:20:13of genuine items. First up, for Paul and for Des,
0:20:13 > 0:20:17this is your item. There it is.
0:20:17 > 0:20:22- The dog is not included in this item.- Does it have a name?
0:20:22 > 0:20:26It's up to you to tell us what the name of that is.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30As the guys have a little look at that, you guys have 15 seconds
0:20:30 > 0:20:33to write down as many words as possible that you think the guys
0:20:33 > 0:20:37will use in their sales pitch. For every one you get right,
0:20:37 > 0:20:39buzz in and we will give you a point.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Your time - Susan Calman! - is up!
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Paul will start.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49When people put a sign up to deter burglars,
0:20:49 > 0:20:52saying "Beware of the dog", the reality...
0:20:52 > 0:20:53BUZZER
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Maybe I'm just a genius, but I've got "dog".
0:20:55 > 0:20:59APPLAUSE
0:21:02 > 0:21:06I was walking through Belfast's lovely Botanic Gardens this morning.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10There were a number of people out there walking their beloved pet,
0:21:10 > 0:21:12hoping for some attention from other single people.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15This is the guarantee that, when you are walking your pet,
0:21:15 > 0:21:18you will get noticed. Absolutely no doubt about that.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- Why will you get noticed, Des? - You will get noticed by many people,
0:21:21 > 0:21:23probably, firstly, the RSPCA.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29And, if like me, if you've ever misunderstood
0:21:29 > 0:21:31what dogging actually was, well...
0:21:33 > 0:21:35..this could be the outfit for you.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39That's right. Where canine meets 69.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43People thought it was controversial
0:21:43 > 0:21:46having the Slutty Puppy round in Crufts...
0:21:46 > 0:21:47BUZZER
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Yes!
0:21:48 > 0:21:51APPLAUSE
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Very good.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56I have to say, for a second there, I actually couldn't see that
0:21:56 > 0:22:00and I thought you had actually written "Slutty Puppy"!
0:22:00 > 0:22:02OK, continue.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Dress your canine like this and put on a "beware of the dog" sign,
0:22:05 > 0:22:09you can guarantee that no burglar will enter your house and not leave
0:22:09 > 0:22:13utterly traumatised. It is impossible to lift a telly
0:22:13 > 0:22:15out of someone's house whilst wondering
0:22:15 > 0:22:18if it's correct to be aroused or not.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22I'm quite pleased we haven't got "aroused" on my card.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- DES:- And who says you have to wear it on your animal?
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Where are you going with this, Des?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33I'm going for a long walk on a leash with this one.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37What self-respecting man out there hasn't thought about putting
0:22:37 > 0:22:38a tiny wig on and...
0:22:38 > 0:22:40BUZZER
0:22:40 > 0:22:43We have "wig"! We both have "wig.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46APPLAUSE
0:22:46 > 0:22:52Let's have a little look at some of the words that they thought.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Miley Cyrus.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57- Just in case.- Almost.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- We have...- Tongue.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03The dog has a tongue!
0:23:05 > 0:23:08There's a certain amount of just writing down things you can see,
0:23:08 > 0:23:10in this game.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14- That's why we would have gone for... - Dolly Parton?- I would have placed
0:23:14 > 0:23:17a bet on Dolly Parton coming up in that pitch.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21- We should have called it Doggy Parton.- Yeah.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22But, no.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24So sorry.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29Now, how much do we think this magnificent item retails for?
0:23:29 > 0:23:33- That's a £7 job, I would say. - Susan would know this.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- DES:- I don't know. I think it's a bit more than that.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- Do you?- Not a lot more than that. let's be honest.- No.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39It's the costume, not the dog.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42That's true, but I think, with the wig involved...
0:23:42 > 0:23:46- What do you think about?- Nine. - Nine quid?- Yeah, nine quid.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49We paid £24.99 for this
0:23:49 > 0:23:52of BBC licence payers' money.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56- "It's your BBC".- You were done. - You were robbed with that one.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Any idea what the actual outfit is called?
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Dastardly and Slutley?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02LAUGHTER
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- The item is called The Lady Is A Tramp.- Oh!
0:24:05 > 0:24:10- That makes no sense!- No. Quite a lot of this doesn't make much sense.
0:24:10 > 0:24:17If you think that makes no sense, it is now time for, Susan and Mark,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- for your item.- OK.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23We have this gorgeous
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- figurine.- Wow.- Almost antique.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29It could be "contemporary", Mark.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Have a little look at that. Guys, if you can write down
0:24:32 > 0:24:35whatever words you think they will use in their sales pitch.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38A point for each one you get correct. Buzz in when you have got
0:24:38 > 0:24:41a correct answer. OK, pens down. All done.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43And...
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Susan and Mark, away you go.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48What we are really going for here is an educational toy
0:24:48 > 0:24:51that is also...a lot of fun.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Now, you may not know this, kids, but in the old days, we used to have
0:24:54 > 0:24:59things called "landlines". I know, it sounds silly!
0:24:59 > 0:25:04But it's a history lesson for children, as well as an amazing toy,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07cos what you can say is... Do you remember those, Mark?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09- Those landlines?- Oh, yeah.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12It's impossible for this generation to understand. But not any more,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15with this educational and fun item.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Yeah, so you can say to your kids on Christmas, "What kid wouldn't want
0:25:19 > 0:25:24"to wake up on Christmas morning and find this at the end of their bed?"
0:25:24 > 0:25:29Do you know what I mean? They'd say, "Mummy! Mummy, what is that?"
0:25:29 > 0:25:32And I'd say, "That's the best present you're ever going to have
0:25:32 > 0:25:35"in your life." It's teaching you things, it's fun.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- "It's a little bit saucy." - Yeah, it's cheeky, isn't it?
0:25:38 > 0:25:43- It's cheeky!- It's got a sense of humour.- It's just a bit of fun
0:25:43 > 0:25:44for the kids!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46I'm laughing already, Susan!
0:25:46 > 0:25:50I think it's going to be the best Christmas ever, right, Mark?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- That's right, Susan! - It's going to be just amazing!
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Ho-ho - literally - ho.
0:25:54 > 0:25:59So, yeah, that's it. Ho-ho - definitely - ho.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01APPLAUSE
0:26:04 > 0:26:08Guys, I have to say, no correct words. Let's have a little look
0:26:08 > 0:26:11at what you thought the guys were going to pitch.
0:26:11 > 0:26:17- OK, so, first up...- Mm-hm.- ..they went for "desperately lonely".
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Apparently, that's not the strongest sales pitch.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25"French fancy".
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Oh, I see where you have gone with that.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31It's kind of fancy and it could be French.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I'm amazed you didn't get a point for French fancy, to be fair(!)
0:26:37 > 0:26:41- In my head...- Yep.- ..I thought we were going to win this.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49- I can tell you that this delightful item...- Yes.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52..is the "Seductive fairy French maid
0:26:52 > 0:26:55"answering telephone on sofa figurine".
0:26:58 > 0:27:00It's catchy, ladies and gentlemen.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- How much do we think we paid for this?- That's £35.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05She's probably about right, I reckon.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08It says "Made in China" on the bottom, doesn't it?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- Yeah.- It also says "£35".- No!
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- It's heavy. It's got some weight on it.- 31.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17- Right, 31 quid.- 31. I can tell you
0:27:17 > 0:27:23- the actual price was £39.95. - Oh, come on! Ha-ha-ha!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29But, tonight's winners are Susan and Mark!
0:27:29 > 0:27:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Before you go, if you think you've used some bad language
0:27:38 > 0:27:41in your time, remember, it could be a lot worse.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43With bad language like this...
0:27:52 > 0:27:53And, finally...
0:28:08 > 0:28:12That is all we've got time for! A big thanks to our guests,
0:28:12 > 0:28:14to Des Clarke, Mark Watson,
0:28:14 > 0:28:17and to our team captains, Susan Calman and Paul Sinha.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20I'm Patrick Kielty. Thank you very much, goodnight! Thank you!
0:28:20 > 0:28:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE