0:00:03 > 0:00:06MUSIC: Scatman (Ski Ba Bop Ba Dop Bop) by Scatman John
0:00:12 > 0:00:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Hello and welcome to Bad Language,
0:00:25 > 0:00:29the show all about everyday words, phrases and sayings.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33- So, if you've tuned in to hear rude and offensive words, like- BLEEP,
0:00:33 > 0:00:36you've come to the wrong place.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40LAUGHTER
0:00:40 > 0:00:43As always, tonight, helping us blindly stumble
0:00:43 > 0:00:46through the minefield of language, are our two teams.
0:00:46 > 0:00:51Joining team captain Susan Calman is Lucy Porter!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:53 > 0:00:58And with Captain Paul Sinha, it is Rich Hall!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:06We kick off our first round, entitled Osama Bin Language...
0:01:06 > 0:01:10- RAPID GUNFIRE ..where we ask our teams... - What's with the sound effects?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- What was THAT? - They told me it was a typewriter.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16I have a problem already with the theme song.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- What's the problem with the theme song?- It's just...it's crap!
0:01:19 > 0:01:24- LAUGHTER - Like somebody just put some drums underneath a livestock auctioneer.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28HE MIMICS RAPID SPEECH OF AUCTIONEER
0:01:28 > 0:01:32- Welcome!- Will ye take 10, will ye take 9, will ye take a few?
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Do we have any other music in the gallery
0:01:36 > 0:01:38- that we can just play in for Rich? - Yeah.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Is there anything in particular you'd like?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42A little Hank Williams, Merle Haggard...
0:01:42 > 0:01:47- SUSAN:- You could sing! - Patsy Cline...- Patsy Cline? - # Crazy-y-y... #
0:01:47 > 0:01:49If the audience would actually just like to...
0:01:49 > 0:01:52We will do this again and everybody will sing Crazy for Rich.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56And then we will start the show. So, after three, 1, 2, 3...
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- ALL:- # Crazy-y-y-y... #
0:01:59 > 0:02:03- RICH:- Get it together, people! It's in C!
0:02:03 > 0:02:07# I'm crazy for feeling so lonely
0:02:07 > 0:02:11# And I'm crazy for loving
0:02:11 > 0:02:14# Yo-o-o-o-ou... #
0:02:14 > 0:02:17APPLAUSE
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I had NO idea I had that kind of power.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26All right, everybody, Hot For Teacher, Bon Jovi, let's go!
0:02:26 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER
0:02:28 > 0:02:30So, this is Osama Bin Language,
0:02:30 > 0:02:34where we ask our teams to nominate a word or a phrase that they think
0:02:34 > 0:02:36is a menace to society and should be taken out.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Then our highly intellectual, yet musical audience...
0:02:40 > 0:02:43LAUGHTER
0:02:43 > 0:02:47..will decide which one should be removed permanently from conversation.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Susan, you're up first.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Which word or phrase gets on your proverbial wick?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Er, the word or phrase I would like to be binned,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59well, it's a phrase that I'd like to be binned,
0:02:59 > 0:03:01is "think outside the box".
0:03:01 > 0:03:05It's essentially said by people who've run out of ideas themselves
0:03:05 > 0:03:09but want to make as if they're making some form of effort
0:03:09 > 0:03:11to find a solution to a problem.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Now, the thing is, no-one really wants you to think outside the box.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Because if you genuinely think outside the box,
0:03:17 > 0:03:20it goes horribly wrong. I don't know if you've got it here.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23In Scotland, we've got... There's an electricity company
0:03:23 > 0:03:28and they advertise ELECTRICITY with an orang-utan
0:03:28 > 0:03:30climbing over buildings.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Now, that has nothing to do with electricity.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35But someone in an ad company has gone,
0:03:35 > 0:03:38"Let's really think outside the box here."
0:03:38 > 0:03:42And someone has gone, "I've got it, an orang-utan on a building.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44"That says electricity!"
0:03:44 > 0:03:49It's the same as... I saw an advert recently for moisturiser,
0:03:49 > 0:03:51with added oxygen.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55No-one wants you to think outside the box.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57If you were thinking outside the box, you'd say,
0:03:57 > 0:04:01"Let's solve global recession by making our currency dog poo.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- "Then it's continually renewable." - To be honest with you, I think
0:04:04 > 0:04:07dog shit as money is a brand-new idea, Susan!
0:04:07 > 0:04:11And it's one that I think our audience approve of!
0:04:11 > 0:04:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:13 > 0:04:15I think that would be great.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18"How much is that Mars bar?" "Three turds."
0:04:18 > 0:04:21What we think of this? What do we think of thinking outside the box?
0:04:21 > 0:04:25The orang-utan thing is all the fault of Aleksandr Orlov, isn't it?
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Ever since they worked out a meerkat could successfully advertise,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I don't even know what it is, compare the...
0:04:31 > 0:04:33It's just a website, where you compare car insurance.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- It's insurance. - That's what they do in Britain.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Always have an animal sell you something.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Let's have an animal! Let's have a meerkat, who speaks Russian...
0:04:44 > 0:04:51- LAUGHTER - Let's have a pipe-smoking scarf-wearing meerkat.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54There are no meerkats in Russia!
0:04:55 > 0:04:57They're in Namibia!
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Teams, much bigger than the team on this...show,
0:05:01 > 0:05:03were put together to sit in a room and go,
0:05:03 > 0:05:08"We need to have a meerkat sell insurance! How are we gonna do it?"
0:05:08 > 0:05:11And some guy's driving to work. "Maybe he should smoke a pipe!"
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- Guy sitting in traffic. People behind him... - HE MIMICS CAR HORN
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- Get the- BLEEP- out of the way! He's going, "I'm gonna bring that up
0:05:17 > 0:05:20"at the next meeting. Pipe-smoking meerkat. That is genius!"
0:05:20 > 0:05:24That's the point I was trying to make, yes!
0:05:24 > 0:05:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:27 > 0:05:30What confuses me, I've got car insurance
0:05:30 > 0:05:32because I'm a responsible human being.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34I thought you were about to say, "I've got meerkats."
0:05:34 > 0:05:37You've got a dog, you've got a Churchill dog,
0:05:37 > 0:05:40who clearly has been in a horrific car accident.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46He's got no use of his lower spine...
0:05:46 > 0:05:49In Ireland, we've got so much problems with the Catholic Church
0:05:49 > 0:05:52and insurance claims against the Catholic Church now,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54that we have the Go Compare Bishop.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00APPLAUSE
0:06:00 > 0:06:04A little tiny nodding nun, going, "Yes, he did do it!"
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Thinking outside the box, we will move on - to Rich.
0:06:08 > 0:06:13Rich, what is your phrase you'd like to see binned from the English language?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15The phrase, "having said that".
0:06:17 > 0:06:19LAUGHTER
0:06:19 > 0:06:21APPLAUSE
0:06:24 > 0:06:29OK. Well, you just DID say that. And you made a point.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32"What? Oh! He's going back for seconds!,
0:06:32 > 0:06:34"He's going to make another point!"
0:06:34 > 0:06:37"Blah, blah, blah, blah." OK, you made a point. "Having said that..."
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Well, what the fuck now? You're just arguing against yourself!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44You can't play rhetorical ping-pong with yourself! OK?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Pick a side, start dominating the conversation,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49let somebody else make a point!
0:06:49 > 0:06:52You're not sitting at the dinner table.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55You're like that fat, greedy bastard at the dinner table -
0:06:55 > 0:07:00"I'm going to have the lobster AND the steak." It's steak OR lobster!
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Pick one and shut the fuck up!
0:07:06 > 0:07:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Having said that...
0:07:10 > 0:07:12LAUGHTER
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I can't argue against that, to be honest,
0:07:15 > 0:07:20because, whenever anyone has that much passion for something,
0:07:20 > 0:07:23not only is it a turn-on, but...
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Because I am feeling very attracted towards you just know.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Slightly frightened but I think that adds a frisson to it,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32as to whether or not he'd kidnap me at the end of it.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36- In a kind of a Jamie Dornan in The Fall type way.- Absolutely!
0:07:36 > 0:07:38- Now, THAT'S a contemporary programme!- You see?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42That's how you know. Jamie Dornan, he's THAT good looking.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- He looks like him! - There's a man in the audience
0:07:45 > 0:07:47who kind of looks a bit like Jamie Dornan!
0:07:47 > 0:07:51She'd be quite happy for you to come round to her house
0:07:51 > 0:07:53and get the binder twine out on her.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- I'd leave the door open! - APPLAUSE
0:08:00 > 0:08:03If you really prodded him, I bet you he'd go!
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- Do you know what I mean? - Don't mention the Prods...
0:08:06 > 0:08:08APPLAUSE
0:08:08 > 0:08:15I think, Lucy, personally speaking, when they're the person speaking,
0:08:15 > 0:08:19it's those things people put at the end of sentences which are obvious.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- PAUL:- "In my honest opinion." - SUSAN:- Yes!
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Thereby, giving away that all the other opinions
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- are utterly dishonest and lying. - SUSAN:- Yes.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28If you start a sentence with "in my honest opinion",
0:08:28 > 0:08:32you've given away you've been bullshitting for the last two hours.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35So, if anyone ever says, "in my honest opinion", pick them up on it.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38In my honest opinion, I think it's time to move on.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42LAUGHTER Thanks, Rich. Lucy, what gets on your wick?
0:08:42 > 0:08:47Well, I've actually gone for a sort of group, a sort of genre of words,
0:08:47 > 0:08:48which is acronyms.
0:08:48 > 0:08:53And, see, I think it's particularly relevant,
0:08:53 > 0:08:54given our geographical location.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57When I was growing up - my dad is Northern Irish -
0:08:57 > 0:09:00and we used to talk about Northern Irish politics in our house.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04I got very confused because my grandfather was in the RUC.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06He was Catholic but he was in the RUC,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09which I now realise means we were hated by everybody. It was like...
0:09:09 > 0:09:11So, we would talk about all this.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13My dad would try to explain to me.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16And I just got very confused because it was like, you know,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19the RUC are the against the IRA and UDF and UVF.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23And then there's the OMG, which I believe was the IRA's gay wing...
0:09:23 > 0:09:25LAUGHTER
0:09:25 > 0:09:28You don't hear much about them. Fabulous balaclavas, apparently.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30You do find that people, you know,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32they use them in the wrong way.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36And my wife's pregnant at the minute and because I'm over 40,
0:09:36 > 0:09:39a mate of mine in the pub the other night, he said,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42"So, was a natural, or was it UVF?"
0:09:42 > 0:09:45LAUGHTER
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Sometimes you just think you could have more fun with them.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50People don't like the RUC, again,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53it became the Police Service of Northern Ireland, the PSNI.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57What was wrong with the Northern Ireland Police Service, the NIPS?
0:09:57 > 0:10:01- LAUGHTER - Got in trouble, get the nips out. That's my philosophy in life.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Nobody wants to get caught by the nips!
0:10:04 > 0:10:07LAUGHTER
0:10:07 > 0:10:08That's the problem there!
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Exactly.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Oh, hang on, maybe a few of us might disagree with that!
0:10:13 > 0:10:17I was going to say, don't make general statements like that
0:10:17 > 0:10:21- because...- Jamie Dornan... - We're up for a good time. Yeah?
0:10:21 > 0:10:25A nipple clamp, is that what we're discussing, is it?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28No, I thought we were talking about being caught by the nipples.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32- Oh, caught by the nips?- So, if later on, we would grease ourselves up...
0:10:32 > 0:10:36- Yes!- And then run around naked and
0:10:36 > 0:10:39you'd have to catch people by their nipples...
0:10:39 > 0:10:41LAUGHTER
0:10:41 > 0:10:44And only if you caught them by the nipples could you get a kiss.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:50 > 0:10:54Thanks, Lucy. Paul, what word would you like to bin?
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Er, I don't know if it's got rid of or just never said to me again.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02But the phrase is, "So, does your family celebrate Christmas?"
0:11:02 > 0:11:04It is...
0:11:04 > 0:11:06LAUGHTER
0:11:06 > 0:11:08People are scared to give you the politest thing,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11like a Christmas card or an invitation to a Christmas dinner,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13cos they genuinely think there's a possibility
0:11:13 > 0:11:17I might be offended by getting some sort of Christmas invitation.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Let me explain. My family are Hindus.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24By definition, we're not taking religion very seriously.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27I don't know if you've ever looked at Hinduism.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Flying monkeys, a woman with 25 arms -
0:11:30 > 0:11:33we're more of a bad acid trip than an actual religion.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36And we are also British Asians
0:11:36 > 0:11:38and we take a British Asian view of Christmas,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41which is that the most important thing about Christmas
0:11:41 > 0:11:46is to cook a bigger turkey than any other British Asian family.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49That is... Instead of not celebrating Christmas,
0:11:49 > 0:11:52my family take Christmas uber-seriously.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55When I say it should be taken out of the English language,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58what I want to say is, people, don't ask me if my family really celebrate
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Christmas, because they celebrate Christmas with an intensity
0:12:01 > 0:12:04and a passion that genuinely I find frightening.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07APPLAUSE
0:12:07 > 0:12:08CHEERING
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Do the rest of us celebrate Christmas
0:12:12 > 0:12:15or do we just try to get through it as best we can?
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Celebrate is a strong word.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Celebrate is a strong word for Christmas, isn't it?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I mean, I love it. We do the...
0:12:21 > 0:12:24We have, in our Christmas, we have three types of potato,
0:12:24 > 0:12:28which is my favourite thing about it. We have roast, boiled and mash.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32People in Ireland - not impressed by only three types of potatoes.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34LAUGHTER
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- Just amateurs.- Just three?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42OK, and now we hand this over to our learned audience to decide
0:12:42 > 0:12:46which of these phrases should go into the bin of bad language,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48by enthusiasm.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51We first had Susan, "think outside the box".
0:12:51 > 0:12:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:55 > 0:12:58We had Rich, "having said that".
0:12:58 > 0:12:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Lucy with her acronyms.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:08 > 0:13:12And finally Paul, "So, does your family celebrate Christmas?"
0:13:12 > 0:13:13APPLAUSE AND LOUD CHEERING
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Going into the bin of bad language
0:13:19 > 0:13:22is "So, does your family celebrate Christmas?"
0:13:22 > 0:13:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:26 > 0:13:27And we move on.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Our next round is called I'll Get Me Quote,
0:13:30 > 0:13:32where we give some of our teams
0:13:32 > 0:13:35some words of wisdom from best-selling celebrity authors.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38All you've got to do is to work out who wrote what.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Paul and Rich, it's you to go first. And here is your quote.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50There it is, fellas. Who might those words be from?
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Donald Trump, Andre Agassi, Katie Price or Caitlin Jenner?
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Oh, I think I know who it isn't, which is Donald Trump.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Because the one thing he would never do is admit that
0:14:02 > 0:14:05that ridiculous haircut is fake.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08That's what will propel him into the White House, is just,
0:14:08 > 0:14:11"I promise to reveal my hair if elected."
0:14:11 > 0:14:15How can a man control a people if he can't control his fucking hair?
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Donald Trump wants to build a wall,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23400 miles long, to keep out the Mexicans.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Who does he think is going to build that wall?
0:14:26 > 0:14:27LAUGHTER
0:14:29 > 0:14:33- I don't believe that either Bruce or Caitlin...- Jenner.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36..a woman would ever use the word hairpiece.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40We actually have a picture of him as Bruce, former Olympic decathlete.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- That looks like real hair, doesn't it?- It does look like real hair.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46I think in this country we don't necessarily know just how big
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Bruce Jenner was in America. Because he was, as you say,
0:14:49 > 0:14:52the Olympic decathlon champion. He was an absolute icon
0:14:52 > 0:14:55of American sporting masculinity in the mid-'70s.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56They didn't get much luck
0:14:56 > 0:14:59cos the only one that really rivalled him was OJ Simpson.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01I haven't really heard what's happened to him in recent years...
0:15:01 > 0:15:05He's in jail at the moment being told that he is a woman.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07LAUGHTER
0:15:07 > 0:15:09APPLAUSE
0:15:09 > 0:15:11You can guess what's going on there.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I'm a massive, massive sports fan. I'm a massive football fan.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18I am obsessed with sport.
0:15:18 > 0:15:23The...eighth event of a decathlon is the pole vault
0:15:23 > 0:15:26and you would have to be an absolute miracle worker, I think,
0:15:26 > 0:15:30to have a hairpiece that stayed on whilst you were clearing
0:15:30 > 0:15:315 metres 20 in a pole vault.
0:15:31 > 0:15:36If you're pole vaulting and you went over the bar
0:15:36 > 0:15:38but your toupee went under...
0:15:38 > 0:15:40LAUGHTER
0:15:40 > 0:15:43APPLAUSE
0:15:45 > 0:15:47OK, so, who said it?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- Lads?- I think it's Andre Agassi.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56His dad was an Iranian boxer at the Olympics in 1948 and 1952
0:15:56 > 0:16:01and he did an autobiography where he made some amazing allegations,
0:16:01 > 0:16:05including a lot of problems with drugs and the fact that
0:16:05 > 0:16:09that photograph that you see of him there, that's not his real hair.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10It's completely fake,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13and he admitted this in his autobiography.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15The answer to this is Andre Agassi.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19I think it might even be the 1990 French Open.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21That's the depth of my...
0:16:21 > 0:16:23LAUGHTER
0:16:23 > 0:16:24That, right there, was worth a point.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27To be honest with you, you've already got an extra point
0:16:27 > 0:16:30for, "Does a hairpiece go over a pole vault?"
0:16:30 > 0:16:31APPLAUSE
0:16:35 > 0:16:37OK, you're going for Andre Agassi.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- And I'll look like a right bell end if I'm wrong.- Guys?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Well, I happen to know that it was actually
0:16:42 > 0:16:48Donald Trump in the 1975 World Pole Vaulting Championship.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49- Katie Price?- Katie Price.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Yeah, we'll go for Katie Price then, please.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55OK, I can tell you that the quote is from
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Andre Agassi.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58APPLAUSE
0:17:01 > 0:17:05And Paul was right. It was the 1990 French Open.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- How did you know that?- I like my tennis, that's all I can say.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Apparently every night in the 1990 French Open,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Andre Agassi knelt down on his knees
0:17:14 > 0:17:18and prayed that his hair wouldn't fall off, so...that's...
0:17:18 > 0:17:22- He won? He won?- He won, yeah. - Whilst worrying about his hair.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Isn't that amazing that you just would have that kind of...?
0:17:25 > 0:17:31You know, I do zumba and I'm all worried about, you know, bits and...
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I don't know what zumba is. Is that zumba?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35LAUGHTER
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Cos if that's zumba, I think I might want to take it up.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41All right, Suze and Luce, here is your quote.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- Wow.- Who wrote that?
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Was it Harry Styles, Johnny Rotten,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Victoria Beckham or Bono?
0:18:00 > 0:18:04- I have to say before we start, I love Harry Styles.- Yes. Oh.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05- Do you like Harry Styles?- Only...
0:18:05 > 0:18:08It's a funny thing, isn't it, with boy bands,
0:18:08 > 0:18:10where when you're young, you go, "Oh, they're hot"?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13And now, at 42, I look at him and I just think,
0:18:13 > 0:18:16"I could teach him things in the bedroom he's never dreamt of."
0:18:18 > 0:18:19I'm just maternal now.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I think I'd like to rip his clothes off just to wash and iron them.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- Victoria Beckham, love her. - Yeah, I'm a huge, huge fan of her.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29I bought one of her dresses as this special kind of...
0:18:29 > 0:18:32oh, special treat for me. Didn't look like her.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Didn't look like her at all.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I now am catered for by the Marks & Spencer's
0:18:36 > 0:18:38You've Let Yourself Go Slightly range.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- But the trousers with the elastic on the back.- Oh.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- Oh, thank God for them.- Do you know?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47LAUGHTER
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Do continue, ladies.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53Smart at the front, looks like normal trousers at the front.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Small bit of elastic at the back, which means that
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- when you sit down or have a large meal...- Yes.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01..you don't need to change your trousers.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04My missus bought two pairs of pregnancy jeans and I decided...
0:19:04 > 0:19:07I asked her... She was only going to buy one and I said,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10"Get two, a pair for me for Christmas."
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Once you get the Guinness in... - I also had...
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- This is probably too much information.- No, no.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I have continued to wear...
0:19:18 > 0:19:21When you do nursing bras, you'll get to know these.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25And the nursing bra has a little clip for quick release,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28and I still use those to surprise my husband occasionally,
0:19:28 > 0:19:29because you can just...
0:19:29 > 0:19:31LAUGHTER
0:19:31 > 0:19:33APPLAUSE
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Boom.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- Genuinely, Lucy, who do you think? - I think... I'm torn.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43I'm torn between Johnny Rotten and Bono.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- "In fact, I changed music twice." - Hm.- "I- changed." I.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50I think that means... I was leaning towards Victoria Beckham,
0:19:50 > 0:19:52but I don't think she would say,
0:19:52 > 0:19:54"I changed music," cos she was girl power,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- she was part of the... - And you love a bit of girl power.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Love a bit of girl power, love the Spice Girls.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03- Let's have a little look at this photo, Susan.- Oh, God, no.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Oh, come on.
0:20:05 > 0:20:11This is Susan Calman's Spice Girl Fan Club membership card.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13LAUGHTER
0:20:13 > 0:20:15APPLAUSE
0:20:17 > 0:20:21- Which one did you want to be when you were growing up?- Sporty.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22LUCY LAUGHS
0:20:22 > 0:20:25I wanted to be Sporty. I was 21 when I joined.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27LAUGHTER
0:20:27 > 0:20:29I think it might be Victoria Beckham.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33- Oh, she did introduce the use of the vocoder.- Yeah.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Because before that people had to sing.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37LAUGHTER
0:20:37 > 0:20:39APPLAUSE
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Guys, do we have any opinion on this?
0:20:42 > 0:20:46First of all, Bono just needs to stop bleating on about
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- not finding whatever the- BLEEP - he's looking for.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Johnny Rotten may have well changed music twice,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59the first time with the Sex Pistols, which introduced punk,
0:20:59 > 0:21:02the second time with PIL, because whenever you heard PIL,
0:21:02 > 0:21:05you definitely wanted to change the music.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- OK, come on, who do we think the answer is, then?- Victoria Beckham.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11- We should stick with our gut. - Victoria Beckham.- Guys?
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- PAUL:- It's difficult. I mean, I have been in a boy band, two of them.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- And...- Was that on a stag weekend?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21A very good one indeed, yes.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23I think we're...
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- Jeez.- I think it's Johnny Rotten.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Johnny Rotten would have definitely said "Yeah, I changed it twice."
0:21:32 > 0:21:35OK, I can tell you that...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37it was Johnny Rotten.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38APPLAUSE
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Now, as we know, language can be used for both good and for evil,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49to inspire and seduce, or to make us buy useless crap
0:21:49 > 0:21:53from the Home Shopping Channel when we come in pissed from the pub,
0:21:53 > 0:21:54and in our next round
0:21:54 > 0:21:57we ask our teams to abandon the need for truth and embrace
0:21:57 > 0:22:03the language of advertising to sell a genuine range of items.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05First of all, it is Paul and Rich.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07This is your item.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08LAUGHTER
0:22:10 > 0:22:13If you'd like to examine it, get your thoughts together.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15The girls are frantically writing what
0:22:15 > 0:22:19they think the lads will use in their pitch.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Pens down, please. Time is up.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23And Rich and Paul?
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Hi, we're Paul and Rich.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27I'm Rich.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29And I'm Paul.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30And we are here...
0:22:30 > 0:22:35To sell an incredible product based on people's holidays to India.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I've been to India 15 times.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41It's a great country, but it is spoiled by middle-class guilt.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44The number of poverty stricken people that would want to do
0:22:44 > 0:22:46anything to make your life better.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49So what you want is a different scenario, a substitute,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52something that can do the menial tasks for you,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55and this is exactly where this comes in, isn't it, Rich?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Yes. Thank you so much for those...
0:22:57 > 0:22:58LAUGHTER
0:23:00 > 0:23:02..wonderful words, Paul.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06How many times, men,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09have you had your shoe shined
0:23:09 > 0:23:14and felt that the person shining your shoes
0:23:14 > 0:23:18was being put in a subservient position?
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Because if the person or thing shining your shoes were more
0:23:21 > 0:23:24successful than you and were making more money, let's say
0:23:24 > 0:23:29a famous celebrity, a singer, you wouldn't feel so bad about it.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33Ladies and gentleman, introducing Shine Aid O'Connor.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37APPLAUSE
0:23:40 > 0:23:45Paul and I will now demonstrate how this guilt-free device works.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Paul, would you like your shoes shined?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Oddly enough, I would, Rich, yes.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Well, I'm not going to do it.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54But look what I have here.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57It's Shine Aid O'Connor.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01When it comes to shoe-shining devices,
0:24:01 > 0:24:04nothing compares to you.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:09- APPLAUSE - We will demonstrate how this works.
0:24:09 > 0:24:14- Boy, Paul, your shoes look a little scruffy.- They do, yes.
0:24:14 > 0:24:19Well, step forward and let Shine Aid shine your shoes for you.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Any cloth will do.
0:24:24 > 0:24:29We simply put the cloth on the shoe and turn on Miss O'Connor.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34LAUGHTER
0:24:34 > 0:24:36APPLAUSE
0:24:49 > 0:24:50APPLAUSE
0:24:53 > 0:24:57Wow! Whoa! It's blinding me!
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Essentially... we had no chance there.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10- I think that's...- So, how much do we think this retails for?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13£14.99. £14.99.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17- PAUL:- £40. It's a work of art.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19It's Sinead O'Connor, for God's sake.
0:25:19 > 0:25:25The Sinead O'Connor shoe-shiner retails for...
0:25:25 > 0:25:26£5.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28CHEERING
0:25:32 > 0:25:35OK, Susan and Lucy, you're up next.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Here is your genuine item that we're going to ask you to sell
0:25:38 > 0:25:39this evening.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42OK.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44And if you have a little look at that,
0:25:44 > 0:25:49we're going to ask Rich and Paul to write down as many words as they can
0:25:49 > 0:25:53that the girls will mention whenever they're giving their sales pitch.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57For every one you get right, just buzz in, we'll give you a point.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Pens down, guys.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Or keep writing.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02LAUGHTER
0:26:02 > 0:26:04To be honest, I couldn't care less.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Your sales pitch starts now. Take it away.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I know you're thinking, "I know what this is."
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- This has a practical purpose, hasn't it, Lucy?- It does indeed,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Susan, and I'm glad you brought that up, cos we've all been
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- in this situation, haven't we, ladies and gentlemen?- We have.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20- You're in the supermarket. - Supermarket.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Oh, what's that we need, Susan?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24- Cat food.- Cat food, Susan.
0:26:24 > 0:26:30It's for smaller ladies in supermarkets
0:26:30 > 0:26:32so they don't need to ask gentlemen
0:26:32 > 0:26:35for their assistance in the supermarket.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Or indeed if you're buying one of your special magazines
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- that you like.- Special magazines.
0:26:39 > 0:26:45We've always had to have a man attached to us to help us.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49Now we can live normal lives,
0:26:49 > 0:26:51like normally sized people.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55APPLAUSE
0:26:58 > 0:27:00It is indeed the boyfriend pillow.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Well done, Susan and Lucy.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08That means that tonight's winners are Paul and Rich. Congratulations.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:10 > 0:27:14Commiserations to Susan and to Lucy.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16APPLAUSE
0:27:16 > 0:27:18CHEERING
0:27:19 > 0:27:21And before we go,
0:27:21 > 0:27:24if you think you've used some bad language in your time,
0:27:24 > 0:27:26remember, it could be a lot worse
0:27:26 > 0:27:28with bad language like this...
0:27:36 > 0:27:38LAUGHTER
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Oh-ho-ho-ho!
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Or bad language like this...
0:28:05 > 0:28:07LAUGHTER
0:28:08 > 0:28:11That's all we have time for. A big thanks to tonight's teams.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15To Susan Calman and Lucy Porter, to Paul Sinha and Rich Hall.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17I'm Patrick Kielty. Good night.
0:28:17 > 0:28:18APPLAUSE AND CHEERING