0:00:02 > 0:00:05# Always fooling around When we were young
0:00:05 > 0:00:07# Time flies so fast
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# When you're having fun
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# Don't wanna get old
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# I never wanna grow up. # CRASH
0:00:18 > 0:00:19TV: 'Is your broth coming to the boil?'
0:00:20 > 0:00:23This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Yes!
0:00:25 > 0:00:28'Then add the prawns and scallops we pan-seared earlier
0:00:28 > 0:00:31- 'and season with parsley.' - Season with parsley. Right.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Cooking again, Tom? What's for dinner?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38'At this stage you should not stop stirring, even for a second...'
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Shit-balls!
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Shit-balls? Eugh!
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Still, can't taste much worse than your Bolognese.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Well, I had an exciting day.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50I colour-coordinated my calendar.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Red for work events, blue for house chores,
0:00:53 > 0:00:55green for socialising.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Giving blood isn't socialising.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59It's going for a pint!
0:01:00 > 0:01:04With this diary system, I'll never forget anything ever again.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Did you remember today was your sister's birthday?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Shit-balls!
0:01:09 > 0:01:11You've been at work with her all day.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14I know - invite her to dinner,
0:01:14 > 0:01:16tell her you planned it as a surprise.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Brilliant.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Well, if this is going to be a birthday banquet,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23then this chowder needs to be sensational.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25CHOWDER SQUELCHES
0:01:25 > 0:01:28And I'm already missing the most vital ingredient.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31'OK, now we move on to the dessert -
0:01:31 > 0:01:32'chocolate gateau.'
0:01:32 > 0:01:34The most vital ingredient.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Whoa! Tom - nice haircut!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42It's a hat, Ben.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Look, leave me alone - I need to stay focused.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48'Melt half a bar of dark cooking chocolate into the pan.'
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Chocolate?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Into a seafood chowder?
0:01:52 > 0:01:53All right.
0:01:56 > 0:02:01DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: 'This incredible housefly has found some solid food
0:02:01 > 0:02:03'but, in order to make it edible,
0:02:03 > 0:02:09'it is necessary to spit or vomit saliva directly onto the food.'
0:02:09 > 0:02:13- Well, in for a penny... - HE GAGS
0:02:14 > 0:02:16'Once the housefly has feasted...'
0:02:16 > 0:02:18"Housefly"?! Ben!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21You just very nearly ruined my seafood and chocolate chowder.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Don't blame me, blame Matthew.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26He's the one that signed me up to this bloody course.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30"Home Education Course - Insectology"?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32More like bullshit-ology.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40It worked! Tonight, we're hosting a surprise party.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- I didn't know about this. - BOTH: Surprise!
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- Is something burning? - Shit-balls!
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Shit-balls? But we had them for lunch!
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I'm proud of you for doing this course, Ben.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Finally, you'll have a qualification,
0:02:55 > 0:02:57be ready to face the world, get out the house,
0:02:57 > 0:02:59put all those years of academic failure behind you.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02What do you mean, "academic failure"?
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Time's up.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Time's up.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Time's up.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35HE SIGHS WITH RELIEF
0:03:47 > 0:03:50You get 30 insects, you observe them for a week and record your findings.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54- The tank arrived this morning. - I get to drive a tank?!
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Oh.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Still, how hard can it be to just look at something?
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Where are they?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Stick insects.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Masters of disguise!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Good luck, buddy!
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Pfft.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15"Masters of disguise."
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Don't give me that. See, there's one.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Oh, no, that's a twig.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Oh! No, that's a twig...
0:04:24 > 0:04:28I'm not going to be able see them with all these bloody sticks in the tank!
0:04:28 > 0:04:29That's better.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Oh!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49That's the banner. Now for some music.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53How can we only own two CDs?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Coldplay or Christmas Hits?
0:04:56 > 0:04:57No choice there.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03# Rockin' around the Christmas tree... #
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- It is July but I'm not a- BLEEP.
0:05:06 > 0:05:13# Mistletoe hung where you can see Every couple tries to stop
0:05:13 > 0:05:16# Rockin' around The Christmas tree... #
0:05:16 > 0:05:19The disco zone is open for business!
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Argh!
0:05:22 > 0:05:26I've found 29 but I think there's one still on the loose.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30I'll keep an eye out. Good work, David Shattenborough.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33How's the food coming along, Tom?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35It tastes awful.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38I don't understand, I followed that cookery show to the letter -
0:05:38 > 0:05:40prawns, scallops,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43chocolate, cherry lip balm.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- Cherry lip balm?- Think that bit might have been an advert.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Look, Rachel's going to be here any minute.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51A single perfect ingredient can utterly transform a dish.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Just find one of those.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56A single perfect ingredient.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Right.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Er...
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Half a can of super-strength cider?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Lard?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09But if I use those, what are we going to have for dessert?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Hang on! What's this?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13A cinnamon stick?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Perfect!
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Oh, and Ben's lost one of his stick insects, so keep an eye out, yeah?
0:06:22 > 0:06:23DOORBELL RINGS
0:06:23 > 0:06:26I knew cinnamon sticks didn't have legs.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Come on in, birthday girl! Step into the disco zone.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37This is so sweet of you, Matthew. I genuinely thought you'd forgotten.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- Cocktail? - Oh, thanks!
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Why are you playing Christmas music?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43It's the only CD I could find apart from Coldplay
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- and I'm not playing that. - Yeah, you're not a- BLEEP.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Thanks for planning a party.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Andrew's away on a conference but this is perfect.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Hey, good-looking, check who's cooking.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- Almost perfect. - Rachel, happy birt!
0:07:01 > 0:07:02I bought you a present.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- Aww. - It's a photo frame.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Oh, that's really quite...
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Tom, there's a picture of you in it.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12That was in there when I bought it.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Ah. Found it!
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Ah, no, that's a cinnamon stick.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Wow. You guys have really made an effort.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Ben, are you tidying?
0:07:24 > 0:07:28No, I'm trying to observe these bloody stick creatures.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30They don't even look like insects.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Ben, that's a bowl of Twiglets.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Damn it!
0:07:35 > 0:07:38You know what, boys? This is going to be fun.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Just good food...
0:07:41 > 0:07:42- Ta-dah! - Eugh!
0:07:42 > 0:07:44...a nice drink...
0:07:44 > 0:07:47One hollowed-out orange, filled with gin.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49DOORBELL RINGS
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Basically, a night away from the stresses of work.
0:07:51 > 0:07:56So, no mention of Mr Carabine or Carabine Promotions, OK?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Happy birthday, Rachel!
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Mr Carabine!
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Look who I invited! Surprise!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- Can I fetch you a drink, sir? - Do you do cocktails?- Of course.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Then I'll have a hollowed-out orange filled with gin.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Rachel, I got you a present.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Oh, you burned me a CD.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Yes. Coldplay.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Have you heard of them? They're very good.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28You like Coldplay. What a surprise(!)
0:08:29 > 0:08:31(Tom, surprise.)
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Well, wait just one minute because I've got a big surprise for you.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- Ooh!- Now you know how you love ponies?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Matthew, I'm allergic to ponies.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51SHE SNEEZES
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Ugh. Do you know what? I don't feel so good after all.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57GUNSHOT, PONY WHINNIES
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I think I might just go.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07But, Rachel, this is your party!
0:09:07 > 0:09:09My party?
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Christmas music and dodgy food and my boss?
0:09:15 > 0:09:19You've basically just recreated every horrible office party I've ever been to.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21All I need now is for some sleazy bloke
0:09:21 > 0:09:24to try and get off with me in the stationery cupboard.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I've got some pencils in my room.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Sit down, Tom.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35The best present you could have given me today, Matthew,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38was to show you've taken the slightest bit of interest in my life.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Well, at least stay for us to sing you Happy Birthday. We've been practising!
0:09:42 > 0:09:44# Happy birthday
0:09:44 > 0:09:45# Happy birthday
0:09:45 > 0:09:48# Happy birthday
0:09:48 > 0:09:55ALL: # Rachel... #
0:09:55 > 0:09:58ALL: Ta-dah!
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Well, that was something else.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Just a pity Rachel didn't stick around to see it.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Yeah, I still don't get why she left.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11She said it was because you take not a jot of interest in her life.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Did she? I wasn't really listening.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Just out of interest, your stick insects, they're not poisonous, are they?
0:10:17 > 0:10:18No. Why do you ask?
0:10:20 > 0:10:25I'm getting fish, I'm getting chocolate, I'm getting cherry lip balm.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27This is... Oh! I love it! This is incredible.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28He's right, Tom, it's delicious.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Whatever it was you've added, it's transformed the dish.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35There's a secret ingredient, is there? What is it?
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Well, er...
0:10:36 > 0:10:38A good chef never reveals his secr-insects.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41No, no, I mean stick-rets!
0:10:41 > 0:10:44No, I mean secrets.
0:10:44 > 0:10:50You know, I'd go as far as to call this a taste sensation.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54In fact - let me take a sample round for my sister.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55I didn't know you had a sister, sir.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Oh, yes, yeah, yeah. She writes a food blog, yeah, yeah.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01She's been om-nom-nominated for a Foodie Award.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Ah, yeah. I'll just zing it round to her now.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09It's a Thursday, so she'll be coming back from netball.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13You see, Matthew, I take time to get to know my sister.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Yeah? Now, does that make me a better person than you?
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Yes, it does.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Well, I must away.
0:11:22 > 0:11:27It has been my pleasure. My deepest, darkest pleasure.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Word up! Goodbye.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Did you hear that? I know, "Word up"?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37No, "A taste sensation"! Ha!
0:11:37 > 0:11:40I knew my cooking was destined for greatness.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Well, I suppose I'd better get back to my insects.
0:11:44 > 0:11:50Right, I'll need loads of fish, bags of chocolate,
0:11:50 > 0:11:53tons of cherry lip balm and...
0:11:56 > 0:12:01..about 29 secret ingredients.
0:12:01 > 0:12:06HE LAUGHS EVILLY
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Oh!
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Rachel's right. I don't take enough interest in her life. I just don't know how.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19"You can learn all there is to know about your subject
0:12:19 > 0:12:22"through quiet clinical observation."
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Clinical observation? I could do that.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I can see you, Rachel!
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- Argh! - THUD
0:12:33 > 0:12:37"The stick insect will make as little movement as possible
0:12:37 > 0:12:41"in order to blend in with its background and avoid detection."
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Ha. Do you know what, guys?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47I think we've got more in common than I first thought.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Ben?
0:12:57 > 0:12:58Where's he gone?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Right.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Let's take this observation to the next level.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Rachel's password. Maybe one of our childhood pets.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29"Fluffsy"?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31No.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33"Waffle"?
0:13:33 > 0:13:34No.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38"Password123"?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40- COMPUTER BEEPS - I'm in.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Ah, Password123.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45The best goldfish we ever had.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Now. let's see...
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Brother - Matthew.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Place of work - Carabine Promotions.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Yes, yes, this is all good stuff.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Matthew, what are you doing in here?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- Can't you see I'm busy?! Piss off! - OK. Sorry!
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Now, where were we?
0:14:05 > 0:14:11Likes - beach holidays, reading, and her best friends, Helen and Amy.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Dislikes - being told to piss off.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- SIGHS - How was I to know?
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Dude, I think I've made my first scientific observation.
0:14:24 > 0:14:30All of my stick insects have changed colour and grown bulbous red heads.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Good work, mate, but that tank can't stay there.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38My first customers will be here any minute.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- Customers?- Yeah.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Carabine's sister loved my cooking!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46She gave me five forks out of five on Yumblr.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48So check it out!
0:14:52 > 0:14:55My own pop-up restaurant!
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Pop-up? Like the books you read me at bedtime?
0:14:58 > 0:15:04We'll be serving my signature dish, cherry choc chowder.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05No!
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Whatever you do, do not open that door.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I'm going to need your help. Go and move your specimens.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22Oh, my stick insects. Dude, they're not just specimens.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26I love those insects. It's like...they're my best friends.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Apart from you of course, mate.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Stay strong, Tom.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37You're a top chef now...
0:15:38 > 0:15:43- ...and, like all top chefs, you have to be a complete- BLEEP.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47MUSIC: "Clocks" by Coldplay
0:15:49 > 0:15:52'Right. That's Helen's e-mail hacked.
0:15:52 > 0:15:57'And the tap on Amy's phone line will be up and running in minutes.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04'Now...let me see...'
0:16:10 > 0:16:14'Helen is an old school friend who last contacted Rachel a week ago.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18'Amy took Rachel for lunch on Saturday.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25'The parts of the puzzle are starting to fit together.'
0:16:28 > 0:16:30COMPUTER PINGS
0:16:30 > 0:16:32'What's this? Rachel's got an e-mail.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35'She's going to Zumba tonight!
0:16:35 > 0:16:36'Isn't that in Africa?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40'Ah - it's a keep-fit class.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42'Women only.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44'I guess this is where the trail goes cold.'
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Unless...
0:16:50 > 0:16:52So if we see you in the vicinity of that leisure centre again,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55it will be more than just a caution. Is that clear, sir?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Yes, yes, I understand.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Certainly, Mr Edwards.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01I have a lovely table for two by the burst beanbag.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Ben! Ben!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Good evening, madam.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Welcome to the Secret Food Society. Do you have a reservation?
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Ben, it's me.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15I don't care who you are, madam - we're full.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Although...
0:17:17 > 0:17:21for a good-looking lady like yourself, I may be able to make an exception.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26Matthew! It's you!
0:17:26 > 0:17:27Wow!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- TOM:- Service!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- Ben, get a move on! - Tom, what's going on here?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38It's make or break time in the kitchen
0:17:38 > 0:17:40and I've got a restaurant full of hungry diners.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- Who's he talking to? - He's been like that all afternoon.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46The question is, can I get the food out fast,
0:17:46 > 0:17:49keep the quality high and not lose my temper?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- (SHOUTS)- Ben, you arsehole, get to work!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56No! I quit!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58- (SHOUTS)- Matthew! - Yes, chef!
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Where are the bowls?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01We only own three bowls.
0:18:01 > 0:18:06Yeah. Real food lovers aren't into bowls, Matthew.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Ground-breaking food doesn't come in bowls.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Table three. Go.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Leave the rest to me.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Madam!
0:18:21 > 0:18:23You've had your pre-dinner drink.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Now it's time for the main course.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Sir, you look hungry.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Fill your boots!
0:18:44 > 0:18:49Sir, just a ladle bit for you.
0:18:50 > 0:18:55And, madam, you'll be eating out of the palm of my hand.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Tom, you can't serve food like this!
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Of course.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04I forgot the croutons!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Croutons!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Bon appetit!
0:19:12 > 0:19:17- (AS DAVID ATTENBOROUGH)- I truly feel at one with these incredible insects.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21If only I could communicate with them directly.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24This guy does realise we're only matches, right?
0:19:24 > 0:19:29- Someone should tell the prick. - BOTH: Oi, dickhead, we're matches!
0:19:31 > 0:19:34What I wouldn't give to know what they were saying.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45All that stick insect slaughter for nothing.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Tom!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Ben. Listen, mate...
0:19:52 > 0:19:53...there's something I need to tell you.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Me first. I've been studying my stick insects all night
0:19:57 > 0:19:59and working on this...
0:20:00 > 0:20:03...Stick Evolution.
0:20:05 > 0:20:10I have witnessed the development of a new breed of stick insect.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12They live in boxes.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18They keep warm by striking their heads against a wall.
0:20:18 > 0:20:23And sometimes they will collect together to make the model of a ship.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31I've finally achieved something with my life.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35I've never been happier. Now, what was it you wanted to tell me?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- Oh...- (LAUGHS)
0:20:37 > 0:20:40It doesn't matter. Good work, mate.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43All I want now is a bit of recognition.
0:20:43 > 0:20:48If only I knew a scientist, then I could present my findings.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Yeah. And if only there was a better way
0:20:52 > 0:20:56to demonstrate to the wider world my culinary ability.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00And if only I could prove to Rachel that I know all about her life
0:21:00 > 0:21:01and her two best friends -
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Helen, a biologist at the National Science Institute,
0:21:05 > 0:21:09and Amy, a respected restaurant critic and Michelin judge.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11ALL: Hmm...
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15(THEY ALL GASP)
0:21:15 > 0:21:16ALL: Food fight!
0:21:20 > 0:21:23We'll invite Rachel and her friends for lunch tomorrow, right?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26BOTH: Ahh!
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Better get started on my lecture.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33But first things first - breakfast.
0:21:34 > 0:21:39HE SCREAMS
0:21:39 > 0:21:41We're out of Wagon Wheels!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Oh, well.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Guess I'll just have a...
0:21:45 > 0:21:51HE SCREAMS
0:21:54 > 0:21:56DOORBELL
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Ladies! Come on in!
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Make yourselves comfortable!
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Ah!
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Take a seat.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Thanks for the invitation, Matthew,
0:22:06 > 0:22:10although it was a bit creepy to find this pinned to my front door.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Anyway, let me introduce you. This is Amy.
0:22:15 > 0:22:20Who gave you a lift here in her 1985 racing-red Porsche Carrera,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22a car that's worth over 40 grand.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Wow. Yeah.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26OK, and this is Helen.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Helen, whose work at the National Science Institute
0:22:28 > 0:22:32recently led to the discovery of a new species of British house spider.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Yes, how did you know...?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37...know all about the Brown Shadow? Which has distinctive yellow dots on its back
0:22:37 > 0:22:40and contains a rare and deadly venom?
0:22:40 > 0:22:42It's common knowledge.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- Matthew, I'm a bit weirded out... - By clowns.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Ever since one fell on you at your tenth birthday party.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54- I must say, I haven't... - ...been this impressed since you went scuba diving on your gap year?
0:22:54 > 0:22:58- What? - Wow! He really knows...
0:22:58 > 0:23:00About you smoking crack in Thailand.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Well, food will be ready any minute
0:23:05 > 0:23:07and you're all in for a real culinary treat.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- TOM:- Oh, God! That tastes like cat piss!
0:23:12 > 0:23:15I'm going to check on the food. In the meantime...Ben!
0:23:17 > 0:23:21Ben has made some fascinating discoveries in the field of insectology.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25I've made some fascinating discoveries, all right.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28But I won't be needing these.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32I am here today to talk about betrayal!
0:23:34 > 0:23:38- POTS AND PANS CLATTER - Tom, what's going on?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40I need a new secret ingredient.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43And this cat piss certainly isn't it.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46It tastes exactly how you'd imagine.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Why aren't you sticking to your signature dish?
0:23:50 > 0:23:53I had a change of heart about my secret ingredient.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55I couldn't cook any more of Ben's stick insects.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57You've been cooking Ben's stick insects? How could you?
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Well, first you lightly grill them, then you add a little pepper...
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Never mind, just make sure this food is delicious - we've all got a lot riding on this.
0:24:05 > 0:24:11Tonight, the world of stick will rise above the world of food!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Oh, God! What's he saying?
0:24:14 > 0:24:18If only there was another insect I could replace it with.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Ah-ha!
0:24:20 > 0:24:25And when helpless innocents are being snapped in two like twigs and boiled alive?!
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Revenge. Revenge!
0:24:29 > 0:24:34Um...thanks, Ben. Shall we adjourn to the dining table?
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- What did he tell you? - I honestly have no idea.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43- Ladies! - SINGS A FANFARE
0:24:43 > 0:24:46This is my signature dish.
0:24:46 > 0:24:51- LADLE CLATTERS - Hopefully, it is to die for!
0:24:51 > 0:24:53You monster!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56HE SCREAMS
0:24:58 > 0:25:00STOPS SCREAMING
0:25:00 > 0:25:04CONTINUES SCREAMING
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Now, Amy, I am open to criticism
0:25:08 > 0:25:11so don't be afraid to give me compliments,
0:25:11 > 0:25:14rave reviews, a Michelin star.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Actually...
0:25:20 > 0:25:21this is really good.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23It is?
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Mmm!
0:25:24 > 0:25:25- BEN:- Savages!
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- THUDDING - What's he doing?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Why is he chopping down a tree?
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- BEN:- This tree will fall directly on to the kitchen,
0:25:38 > 0:25:41ending Tom's reign of tyranny.
0:25:41 > 0:25:48Sometimes you have to chop down a big stick to save some little sticks.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- Oh, no! - BEN:- Timber!
0:25:50 > 0:25:52CREAKING
0:25:52 > 0:25:55LOUD CRASH AND SMASHING GLASS
0:25:55 > 0:25:56- BEN:- Shit-balls!
0:25:57 > 0:26:01Ah! Don't worry. He chopped the wrong side.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03It's fallen the other way. Ha!
0:26:04 > 0:26:08Anyway, he didn't have to do that. I'd stopped cooking with stick insects.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10- So what's the new secret ingredient? - Well...
0:26:10 > 0:26:15I found another insect, a little brown spider with yellow spots.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Oh, my God!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Oh, my God!
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Um...
0:26:23 > 0:26:28I don't suppose anyone owns a 1985 Porsche Carrera?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31My car!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Oh, my God!
0:26:33 > 0:26:36And, Tom! Brown and yellow spider? You used a Brown Shadow!
0:26:36 > 0:26:39And, according to the National Science Institute, the Brown Shadow...
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Contains a rare and deadly venom.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45HELEN GASPS
0:26:48 > 0:26:50HELEN AND AMY COUGH
0:26:50 > 0:26:52THEY BOTH GAG
0:26:55 > 0:26:58THEY BOTH COUGH AND SPLUTTER
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Is now the right time to ask if you think I'm a good brother?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Well, that was the hospital.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Don't tell me - it's not as serious as it first looked and they're going to be fine.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17No, no - the venom liquidised their kidneys.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22They're both in comas!
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Anyway. Listen, mate, I'm sorry about the whole stick insect thing.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29Ah, it's fine.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32In the end, you decided to put a Michelin star second
0:27:32 > 0:27:33and our friendship first.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Hey, you think Matthew and his sister are going to be OK?
0:27:38 > 0:27:39Do you know what?
0:27:39 > 0:27:42I think they're going to be just fine.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44No, tell me, tell me, tell me...
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Well, Helen lied on her CV about having a biology degree.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49And Amy slept with Helen's boyfriend.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51SHE GASPS Oh, I want all the details.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53In fact, let's go for dinner next week.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56I don't think I can do next week.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- Yeah, I'm socialising. - "Socialising"?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Hm. "Date Night."
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Oh, wow. I'm impressed. Date Night?
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Well, after the success of Prune Afternoon...
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Did you manage to replace those stick insects, Ben?
0:28:13 > 0:28:15A new batch of my sticky pals arrived today.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Hey, guys, what's for dinner?
0:28:18 > 0:28:21You tell me, Michel Roux-ining-our-food.
0:28:22 > 0:28:23I've given up on fine dining.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27From now on, I'm all about fast food and snacks.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Ah! Twiglets!
0:28:29 > 0:28:32ALL: No!
0:28:32 > 0:28:34MUSIC: "Clocks" by Coldplay
0:28:34 > 0:28:37# The lights go out and I can't be saved
0:28:37 > 0:28:39# Tides that I tried to swim against
0:28:39 > 0:28:42# Have put me down upon my knees
0:28:42 > 0:28:47# Oh, I beg, I beg and plead singing
0:28:47 > 0:28:50# Come out of things unsaid
0:28:50 > 0:28:53# Shoot an apple off my head
0:28:53 > 0:28:57# And a trouble that can't be named
0:28:57 > 0:29:02# A tiger's waiting to be tamed Singing. #