0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Always fooling around
0:00:03 > 0:00:06# When we were young
0:00:06 > 0:00:08# Time flies so fast
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# When you're having fun
0:00:11 > 0:00:12# Don't wanna get old
0:00:12 > 0:00:14# I never wanna grow up. # CRASH
0:00:14 > 0:00:18This programme contains very strong language
0:00:18 > 0:00:24WOMAN ON CD: In order to begin, you must be completely relaxed.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Imagine you are floating in water.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28WAVES CRASH
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Don't worry if you can't swim.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Relax!
0:00:37 > 0:00:40You are simply floating in the ocean.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46No, there aren't any sharks.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Relax!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Just listen to the sounds and allow
0:00:51 > 0:00:53your body to move accordingly.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Right.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56WAVES CONTINUE
0:00:58 > 0:01:01ELECTRONIC BEEP
0:01:01 > 0:01:03BEEP! BEEP!
0:01:03 > 0:01:07BEEP! BEEP!
0:01:07 > 0:01:10BEEP!
0:01:10 > 0:01:13BEEPING CONTINUES
0:01:13 > 0:01:14WAVES CRASH
0:01:14 > 0:01:16BEEPING CONTINUES
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Oh!
0:01:19 > 0:01:22I thought meditation was supposed to be relaxing. I'm exhausted!
0:01:22 > 0:01:26So, this all-in-one remote is supposed to control everything in the flat,
0:01:26 > 0:01:29but all I can get it to do is beep. It's a load of...
0:01:29 > 0:01:31BEEP!
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Since when have you been into meditation?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Since I got this CD.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38The 3 Spirit Guides?
0:01:38 > 0:01:43I got it for my birthday, along with this kimono and this card.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45It's not your birthday.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I wondered why it was addressed to a different flat.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54I'm going on a quest that's gonna sort my life out once and for all.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56You're going to the Jobcentre?
0:01:56 > 0:02:00No, Matthew, I'm aligning my chakras.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Close your legs, I think one of your chakras just popped out your kimono.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10Right! I think I've worked out what this button does. Lamp on!
0:02:10 > 0:02:11BEEP!
0:02:11 > 0:02:14'You're listening to DJ Ribby! This is Awesome Sauce...'
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Urgh. DJ Ribby? My sister listens to him. He's awful!
0:02:17 > 0:02:20This tune has got a bass line so large,
0:02:20 > 0:02:24you can see the bass from space with your face!
0:02:24 > 0:02:25KLAXON BLAST
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Elementary, my dear, what's-on your radio?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30This is!
0:02:30 > 0:02:33The brand-new cut from the UK's number one pubstep crew,
0:02:33 > 0:02:37who, this week, signed a million-pound contract.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41This is Mulled Chisel with Buntage!
0:02:41 > 0:02:44MUSIC PLAYS
0:02:45 > 0:02:47MUSIC CONTINUES
0:02:47 > 0:02:48MUSIC STOPS
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Pubstep? Whatever happened to real music? The Beatles... The Stones...
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Smash Mouth!
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Did you hear that? A million-pound contract!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- Bet I could make a tune like that.- Tom, you're not a musician.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Yeah, I'm not a dancer, but I launched that new dance craze -
0:03:04 > 0:03:07the soap dispenser!
0:03:09 > 0:03:12I'm not an economist, but I introduced that new phrase - a fat quid!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14What's a fat quid?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Two quid!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20And when I'm the UK's number one music act,
0:03:20 > 0:03:23I'm gonna be earning loads of fat quids.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26BEEPS FORM A TUNE
0:03:26 > 0:03:27You see? That's catchy!
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Yeah, so's pubic lice!
0:03:31 > 0:03:33I am a musical genius.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35TUNE REPEATS
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Ha!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38And a technological genius!
0:03:38 > 0:03:41PLAYS TUNE AGAIN
0:03:41 > 0:03:44CRESCENDO OF NOTES ELECTRICAL BUZZING
0:03:49 > 0:03:50TELEPHONE RINGS
0:03:50 > 0:03:52VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS
0:03:57 > 0:03:59What a load of...
0:03:59 > 0:04:00BEEP!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02...fucking shit!
0:04:07 > 0:04:11# Good morning, good morning! It's great to stay up late!
0:04:11 > 0:04:15# Good morning, good morning to you-ah! #
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Ah!
0:04:16 > 0:04:17I am so pissed off.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22This office used to be cool.
0:04:22 > 0:04:27I mean, look at these awards. Most Amazeballs Office 2011!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Sickest Accounts Department 2009!
0:04:30 > 0:04:33We've been winning awards like these since 1988,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36when we were given a prestigious Cowabunga Commendation.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39But I'm afraid we're losing our touch.
0:04:39 > 0:04:45So I have fired my "Head of Cool" and I'm looking to appoint a successor.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Rachel?
0:04:47 > 0:04:53Ideas on how to make this office relevant again. Go!
0:04:53 > 0:04:56All we need to do is put on an event, a happening, a party.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- I don't believe it.- I know.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- That's just off the top of my head.- No. That.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- I've only sprained my wrist. - How d'you do that?
0:05:03 > 0:05:08(SIGHS) I was playing golf. Andrew bought me lessons, so I had to go.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Another tragic victim of the "Golf War".
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Golf?!
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Who d'you think you are, Venus Williams?
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Not a golfer.
0:05:18 > 0:05:23No, no, I can't have a golfer with an arm virus organising my relaunch party.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- Oh...- No, no, you're going home, Rachel.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29And don't come back until you're better...
0:05:29 > 0:05:30and cooler.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Matthew?
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Are you cool?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- No.- Oh, shame.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40There's a substantial bonus attached to the position.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44By which I mean, er, no-one who says they're cool is actually cool.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47So, by saying no, it's a cool way of me saying yes.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Sounds like bollocks. I'm listening.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55What's groovy nowadays?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Well, er, not the word "groovy" for starters.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Sir, can I just chip in?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02(LAUGHS) Chip in, ha!
0:06:02 > 0:06:05I think that's how you got in this mess in the first place!
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Rachel, home!
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Matthew...
0:06:12 > 0:06:16I always thought the way you dressed was ironically shit!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20You're my new Head of Cool.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I want a full presentation on this party.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27Well, working on presentations is a bit last year, sir.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Yeah, don't push your luck. 2pm. My office.
0:06:31 > 0:06:36Mr C, I can't believe you fired me as your Head of Cool.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Hey-ey-ey!
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Fuzzy, I told you, your style is just... it's too dated.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Dated? Whoa!
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Sit on it!
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Hey-ey-ey!
0:06:57 > 0:07:00TUNELESS PLAYING AND RATTLING
0:07:02 > 0:07:06Oh, meditation, what a load of cod's bollocks!
0:07:06 > 0:07:08You don't get what you want in life by shutting your eyes
0:07:08 > 0:07:11and thinking about it. DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Right, I'm here to spend the day with you.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Bloody hell, it works!
0:07:16 > 0:07:19That way, even just for the afternoon,
0:07:19 > 0:07:21I'll definitely be the coolest person in the room.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Rachel, you can help me out with something.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27For the last time, Tom, I am not helping you check for lumps.
0:07:27 > 0:07:32No, close your eyes and tell me which one of these songs
0:07:32 > 0:07:36you think has the potential to become a number one hit record?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39BEEPS FORM A TUNE
0:07:39 > 0:07:44# This song has the potential to become a number one hit record! #
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- It's a bit obvious.- Number two.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48TUNE REPEATS
0:07:48 > 0:07:52# Ooh, baby, check for lumps! Check for lumps! Check for lumps! #
0:07:52 > 0:07:54No!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Strap yourself in for number three.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59TUNE REPEATS
0:07:59 > 0:08:01MALE VOICE HARMONISING: # I-E-I-O! #
0:08:01 > 0:08:03TUNE REPEATS
0:08:03 > 0:08:06# I-E-I-O! #
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Wow!
0:08:09 > 0:08:11That wasn't me!
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- # I-E-I-O!- #
0:08:15 > 0:08:17I think we've found our killer vocal.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20# I-E-I-O! #
0:08:24 > 0:08:29This must be the fantastical world of my subconscious.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32It's beyond my wildest dreams.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Greetings, traveller.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I am the first of your three spirit guides.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47A talking lizard?
0:08:49 > 0:08:50You look familiar.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Obviously!
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Reptile House, Whipsnade Zoo, 1995?
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Forget it!
0:08:57 > 0:09:00You know, when most people meditate, they transport themselves
0:09:00 > 0:09:02to a beach, or a mountain top, not their own flat,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05with a slightly larger DVD collection.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09And...a smoothie maker!
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Each guide will teach you one lesson.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Mine is about achieving freedom.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Look deep into the orb of enlightenment.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Oh, my God!
0:09:28 > 0:09:31The Shawshank Redemption.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34But I'm your spirit guide!
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Of course, you're here to help me.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Make me a smoothie, would you?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46And the great thing is, because you're blindfolded,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49you've got no idea where the donkey's tail should be. Ha!
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Matthew, are you sure you're up to this role?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Of course, sir, I'm bad.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00At school, I was in a rap group.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04HE BEATBOXES
0:10:04 > 0:10:06# All things bright and beautiful!
0:10:06 > 0:10:09# All creatures great and small!
0:10:09 > 0:10:12# All things wise and wonderful
0:10:12 > 0:10:14# The Lord God made them all!
0:10:14 > 0:10:15# Muthafuckers! #
0:10:18 > 0:10:23Matthew, if you want that bonus, you'd better make this party
0:10:23 > 0:10:26the coolest thing since I started ending my text messages
0:10:26 > 0:10:28"hashtag just saying".
0:10:30 > 0:10:33DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
0:10:33 > 0:10:36'I'm Ribby. This is Awesome Sauce.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39'Clickety the gizbo above me nog to earhole me showload!'
0:10:46 > 0:10:48# I-E-I-O! #
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Let's have a listen.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54REPETITIVE BEAT PLAYS
0:10:54 > 0:10:56# I-E-I-O!
0:10:59 > 0:11:01# I-E-I-O! #
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- MUSIC STOPS - Rachel, that's great!
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Where d'you learn to do that?
0:11:05 > 0:11:10I had a pretty crazy summer back in 2010. Picked up mad skillz.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Superclub in Ibiza?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Computer club in Watford.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18The next step is getting this out into the world.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- The public need to hear this. - You're right.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Oi, Steve!
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Listen to this!
0:11:27 > 0:11:30SONG PLAYS
0:11:30 > 0:11:31No, Tom!
0:11:31 > 0:11:35We upload it online and then send a link to DJ Ribby.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Ah!
0:11:36 > 0:11:39If he likes it then he'll play it on his show.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Oh! We'll need a band name.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44I'm way ahead of you.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48I've focus-grouped this and come up with the perfect name.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51The Horny Perverts!
0:11:53 > 0:11:55I think it sends out the wrong message.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Oh. I'll tell the focus group.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Oi, Steve!
0:12:00 > 0:12:02She didn't go for it!
0:12:04 > 0:12:08We need something that explains why our lead singer looks like a hairy monk.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Hairy Monk!
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Yo! Ribby!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Set your lobes to implode, because...
0:12:18 > 0:12:23Hairy Monk are about to chant your pants off.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Kick it!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27We'll earn a million quid.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31That's 500,000 fat quid!
0:12:35 > 0:12:36DOOR OPENS
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Matthew!
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Last chance. If you can't prove to me you're up to this,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44I'll give Head of Cool to Margaret in HR.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46And she's learned to speak Klingon!
0:12:46 > 0:12:47How's progress?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49It's well rubs.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Well rubs?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Yeah, I've had Ribby's show on lockdown all afternoon, but no diggity.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57I ain't even got an ounce of bounce.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I may as well just jack this whole ting in the mipsy!
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Matthew...
0:13:01 > 0:13:04I didn't understand a word you just said, which can only mean one thing.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06You're becoming cool by osmosis!
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Cool by Osmosis is my faveballs rave digga anthem.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Ribby's got it on rotation bare long!
0:13:13 > 0:13:14It's working!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16It is! I'm cool!
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Huzzah!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21I mean...whatevs.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24So you are the man to host this party!
0:13:24 > 0:13:27We must work fast. Let's hit the town. We both need a makeover.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32These vouchers have got our names written all over them!
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Marks and Sparks, here we come!
0:13:37 > 0:13:39SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Aw...that was brilliant!
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Right, you've watched The Shawshank Redemption.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Now my lesson can begin.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51- You must have so many questions. - Yeah.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53How did he get the poster back on the wall?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55No, focus!
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I'm here to teach you about achieving freedom.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Like in the film.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02"Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free."
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Actually, that's better than what the orb could've taught you.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I can't believe I'm saying this, but you've passed your first lesson.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Mamma mia!
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- I knew you'd be pleased.- No!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15We've got the DVD of Mamma Mia!
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Pierce Brosnan's finest hour.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Get out!
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I think he's coming out of his trance. Quick, take the picture!
0:14:30 > 0:14:32CAMERA CLICKS
0:14:33 > 0:14:35That's the band photo sorted.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39- Get his costume off. - But it's Brosnan singing!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Speaking of singing, while you were meditating, Ben,
0:14:44 > 0:14:47you were doing some pretty impressive chanting.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Do you think you could give us a repeat performance?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Was I? What did it sound like?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Something like this?
0:14:54 > 0:14:58YELLS TUNELESSLY
0:14:58 > 0:14:59No.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Suit yourself.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I'm off to my room for a massive wank.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Shouldn't have said that out loud.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16There is no way that I'm having him in the band.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Yeah, but when he meditates, he sings like an angel.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23But when he doesn't, he sounds like Tarzan getting his dick torn off!
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Let's not tell him.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28But when he's in his trance, he's in our band.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31COMPUTER BEEPS Oh!
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Oh! Ribby's replied to our message!
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Quick, turn the radio on!
0:15:37 > 0:15:40'ou're listening to Ribby. Hey, giz-uys!'
0:15:40 > 0:15:42How's about a world-global exclusive?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44This choon has been all over the net,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47but remember where you heard it second.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49I give you Hairy Monk
0:15:49 > 0:15:52with Remote Control! Yeah!
0:15:52 > 0:15:55SONG PLAYS
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I can't believe your e-mail to Ribby worked!
0:16:01 > 0:16:05All that "explode ya lobes, you bell-end" stuff!
0:16:06 > 0:16:10I didn't think anyone actually spoke like that.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11WHISTLING
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Wickedy-wow-wow!
0:16:16 > 0:16:21What is this slamming choon? Turn this shiz up! It's off the hiz-ook!
0:16:21 > 0:16:24OK, who are you and what have you done with my brother?
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Rachel, it's me - Matty Boom Batty!
0:16:29 > 0:16:32The sickest member of the family - and I'm not talking about my asthma!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Oo-a, oo-a!
0:16:34 > 0:16:37The main question is, who is this?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Well, actually, Matthew, the really cool thing about this is...
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Don't step to me about cool.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45I eat, sleep and breathe cool.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49You go get a dictionary, look up the word "cool",
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I'll call you a nerd for having a dictionary.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to my main dude Ribby!
0:16:56 > 0:17:00'hat was Remote Control by Hairy Monk.'
0:17:00 > 0:17:04Hairy Monk? That is swag! I'm off to down their load.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09COMPUTER BEEPS
0:17:11 > 0:17:12It's from Ribby!
0:17:12 > 0:17:17He wants us to play a gig he's DJ-ing tomorrow at a secret location!
0:17:17 > 0:17:18SHE SQUEALS HE LAUGHS
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Oh, to think Carabine sent me home for not being cool enough.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27I wish he could see me now!
0:17:27 > 0:17:29BANGING ON DOOR It's Carabine!
0:17:29 > 0:17:32That's always happening in this house.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35WHISTLING
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Matterhorn!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44# Oh, Carabina! #
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Let's hit the pubs and clubs of this crazy town.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Bit of research for tomorrow night's party.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53You're hosting a party? But that was my idea!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Yes, but all I'm "hashtag just saying"
0:17:56 > 0:18:00is that now it's being hosted by someone who actually knows what's what.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Oh...
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Did you sort those pills for tonight?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Vitamin C.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- Chewable!- Aw!
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Hold me close, oh, tiny dancer!
0:18:17 > 0:18:21OK, merchandise check list.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25Hairy Monk T-shirt.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Hairy Monk hairy mink.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Bootleg bootleg.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32PHONE RINGS
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Rachel!
0:18:37 > 0:18:39What, you're downstairs in the cab with Ribby?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42I'll be down in a fat minute.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Two minutes!
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- Come on!- My toast!
0:18:48 > 0:18:51You need to start meditating right now.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53I'm not ready yet!
0:18:53 > 0:18:56First I have to imagine I'm floating in the ocean.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Done!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Have a good trip!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07# I-E-I-O! #
0:19:12 > 0:19:14DOOR OPENS
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- Greetings!- Agh!
0:19:17 > 0:19:20I am your second spirit guide.
0:19:20 > 0:19:26My lesson is about taking control of your subconscious.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Hang on, where's the massive DVD collection?
0:19:31 > 0:19:32GASPS
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Where's the smoothie maker?
0:19:36 > 0:19:41I have hidden them so that you might concentrate more on the lesson.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44But this is my subconscious.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47I can just imagine them and they'll reappear.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50PING!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53PING!
0:19:53 > 0:19:55See?
0:19:55 > 0:19:59If I wanted to, I could do this...
0:19:59 > 0:20:00PING!
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Why would you want to do that?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08I...don't...know.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13It appears I've underestimated you.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16You've taken control of your subconscious.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19You've completed the second lesson.
0:20:19 > 0:20:24Next, you must travel to your third spirit guide.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27He will teach you self-love.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Self-love?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32I'm already pretty good at that.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35You must be too, with eight hands!
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Now...
0:20:37 > 0:20:42before I return to the mystical realm of the spirits...
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Yes?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47...please take this dildo off my head.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Of course!
0:20:50 > 0:20:51PING!
0:20:54 > 0:20:55PING! PONG!
0:20:58 > 0:21:00What's wrong with you?!
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Right...
0:21:05 > 0:21:08if I'm going to travel to meet my final spirit guide,
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I need to focus.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I can't get distract...
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Oh! Titanic!
0:21:16 > 0:21:17PING!
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Brilliant!
0:21:27 > 0:21:28STRAINS
0:21:28 > 0:21:31# I-E-I-O! #
0:21:31 > 0:21:33FILM PLAYS ON TV
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I'm doing it!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I'm travelling to meet my third spirit guide!
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Ah, I'll miss the end of Titanic!
0:21:43 > 0:21:46I'll never find out what happens when they get to America.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56RACHEL: I can't see a thing!
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Why do I have to carry all this merch?!
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Quit complaining! I had to carry the lead singer!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04# I-E-I... # Eugh!
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Ooh, DJ Ribby has arrived, albeit by the fire exit,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12but I wanted to keep you guys a surprise!
0:22:12 > 0:22:16The party chiefs are gonna flip their lids when they see Hairy Monk are in the place.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Nail this and you'll have a number one on your hands.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20And the last time I gave that bit of advice
0:22:20 > 0:22:25was to a little band called Smash Mouth, and look at them now!
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Ribby, I have gotta say, I am such a big fan.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30I used to listen to you on Radio Twin Counties
0:22:30 > 0:22:32when you were doing the breakfast show.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35God, that must have been... ten years ago now.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Ten years ago?!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39That can't have been me! I'm 25!
0:22:44 > 0:22:48I bet this is so much cooler than Matthew's rubbish party.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55- Cara-booze-hound!- MDMA-tthew!
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Oh, I'm loving the office's new vibe!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03It's unrecognisable!
0:23:03 > 0:23:08- And I've booked the hottest DJ around. - KLAXON BLAST
0:23:08 > 0:23:10You're listening to Ribby
0:23:10 > 0:23:12and lookin' at him!
0:23:12 > 0:23:14CHEERING
0:23:14 > 0:23:16I'm about to drop a Ribby exclusive.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20We're webcasting live the first ever gig from the hottest crew around.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21CHEERING
0:23:21 > 0:23:26Well, I've gotta hand it to you, M-Bop, you've really done it.
0:23:27 > 0:23:33If this crew are as wickedy-wickedy-wac as that delightful young man says they are,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36then this office is once again cool and you are definitely getting that pay rise.
0:23:36 > 0:23:41Get ready to slam dunk with Hairy Monk!
0:23:41 > 0:23:43CHEERING
0:23:43 > 0:23:45GASPS
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Rachel?!
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Oh, this is perfect!
0:23:50 > 0:23:51This is a disaster!
0:23:51 > 0:23:54This is the future!
0:23:54 > 0:23:55CHEERING
0:23:55 > 0:24:01We are Hairy Monk and we are here to push your buttons!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03CHEERING
0:24:03 > 0:24:04MUSIC STARTS
0:24:04 > 0:24:06# I-E-I-O!
0:24:08 > 0:24:11# I-E-I-O!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15# I-E-I-O!
0:24:16 > 0:24:19# I-E-I-O! #
0:24:26 > 0:24:31Finally, a spirit guide who looks like he can actually teach me something.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Dude, you are absolutely nailing these lessons.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41- Cheers, dude.- The final lesson you have to learn is...
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- Self-love?- Yes!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46How did you know I was gonna say that?
0:24:46 > 0:24:47You're brilliant!
0:24:47 > 0:24:51I know. You're brilliant too. You're a great teacher.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53You're a great student.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55It's fun to be taught by you.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57It's fun to teach you.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59I love you!
0:25:01 > 0:25:03And I love...
0:25:03 > 0:25:05spending time with you.
0:25:05 > 0:25:10Well, for the sake of maintaining a proper student-teacher relationship,
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I think we'll end the lesson there.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16You've achieved self-love.
0:25:16 > 0:25:17You've passed.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Brilliant!
0:25:18 > 0:25:20It's not that simple.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22There is a final challenge.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25A test to prove that you've truly understood
0:25:25 > 0:25:27everything you've learnt so far.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Ah! A final challenge?
0:25:30 > 0:25:33We are in a completely sealed room.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36No windows, no doors.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40You must achieve...freedom.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43This might take some time, but...
0:25:43 > 0:25:47through controlling your subconscious and self-love, you can...
0:25:47 > 0:25:50What's that poster doing on the wall?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- Done it!- Oh, yeah.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Nice work!
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Do me a favour. Stick it back on the wall when I'm done, would you?
0:26:10 > 0:26:11Hell of a guy.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Ah...
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Well, I'm off for a massive wank! MUSIC STOPS
0:26:27 > 0:26:31'Massive wank! Massive wank! Massive wank!'
0:26:31 > 0:26:33What's happening?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Keep chanting!
0:26:35 > 0:26:36MUSIC PLAYS
0:26:36 > 0:26:38SHOUTS TUNELESSLY
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Don't worry, Rachel. I'll cover.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45# Oh, baby, check for lumps! Check for lumps! It might be mumps! #
0:26:45 > 0:26:46BOOING
0:26:46 > 0:26:50Remote control solo!
0:26:50 > 0:26:53REPETITIVE BEEPING ELECTRICAL BUZZING
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Well, that was... BEEP!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05...fucking shit!
0:27:11 > 0:27:14SIGHS: I'm sorry the party wasn't a success, sir.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15That's OK.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18I think it's taught us all a valuable lesson.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Yes. Fashions are transitory.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23The best way to be cool is just to be yourself.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25What? No, no.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28It's taught us that you are useless!
0:27:28 > 0:27:31I should never have listened to myself when I listened to you.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Rachel, I need you back.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35Thanks, sir.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Sorry, boys, but I'm breaking up the band.
0:27:39 > 0:27:44Breaking up the band? But that'll mean breaking up the band!
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Yeah! I've only just found out I'm in it.
0:27:48 > 0:27:53Hey, do you fancy joining The Horny Perverts?
0:27:54 > 0:27:56I don't know what that is.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57But sign me up!
0:27:59 > 0:28:00Yo! Mr C!
0:28:00 > 0:28:03STUDIO AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:28:03 > 0:28:08Hey, Fuzzy! Welcome back, my reinstated Head of Cool.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Hey-ey-ey!
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Smash Mouth, anyone?
0:28:16 > 0:28:18# Hey, now, you're a rock star
0:28:18 > 0:28:21# Get the show on, get paid
0:28:21 > 0:28:25# And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars... #
0:28:25 > 0:28:29I'm 48! # ...Break the mould
0:28:29 > 0:28:32# It's a cool place and they say it gets colder
0:28:32 > 0:28:34# You're bundled up now Wait till you get older
0:28:34 > 0:28:37# But the media men beg to differ Judging by the hole
0:28:37 > 0:28:39# In the satellite picture
0:28:39 > 0:28:41# The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin
0:28:41 > 0:28:43# The water's gettin' warm So you might as well swim
0:28:43 > 0:28:45# My world's on fire, how about yours?
0:28:45 > 0:28:48# That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored
0:28:48 > 0:28:52# Hey, now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid
0:28:52 > 0:28:56# And all that glitters is gold
0:28:56 > 0:29:02# Only shooting stars break the mould. #