0:00:03 > 0:00:05# Always fooling around when we were young
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# Time flies fast when you're having fun
0:00:08 > 0:00:10# Don't want to get old, never want to grow...
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# Up. #
0:00:13 > 0:00:17This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19HE SINGS: # Today I'm watching football
0:00:19 > 0:00:21# The football's starting soon
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# I'm watching it with my mates
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Ben, get out your room
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Today, I'm only talking in football chants
0:00:28 > 0:00:30# The only problem is
0:00:30 > 0:00:32# I'm not very good at rhyming things... #
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Tom, you've been doing this since breakfast.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39HE CHANTS: # He wears a frown
0:00:39 > 0:00:40# and a dressing gown
0:00:40 > 0:00:42# Cheer up, Ben!
0:00:42 > 0:00:43# Cheer up, Ben! #
0:00:43 > 0:00:45You're giving me a headache.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48HE CONTINUES CHANTING: # I'm so sorry, it's unbelievable
0:00:48 > 0:00:52# Do you want a Paracetamol? #
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Stop talking in football chants.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Come on, mate. You've got to be a bit excited.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58It's the big game.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59Who's playing?
0:00:59 > 0:01:00We are!
0:01:00 > 0:01:03I thought we were just watching. I'd better warm up.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04No...
0:01:04 > 0:01:06England!
0:01:06 > 0:01:07England are playing,
0:01:07 > 0:01:10hence the flags, the posters and this...
0:01:10 > 0:01:14my buffet themed around England footballing greats.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17That's a block of Peter Stilton.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Terry Vegetables,
0:01:18 > 0:01:21a plate of David Beck-ham sandwiches
0:01:21 > 0:01:23and when you can't eat any Bobby Moore,
0:01:23 > 0:01:26you throw it all in the Gary Binnicker.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30I've also got this owl that looks just like Roy Hodgeson.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34All owls look like Roy Hodgeson.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Yeah, that's true.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Ah. You can't beat a bit of footy.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41It's pretty much my favourite sport,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43since we banned cock fighting.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Three, two, one, go.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Hey!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56House rule. This isn't allowed, any more.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02He's just upset cos he went out in the first round.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Right. We're almost ready for kick-off.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09All we need now is for Matthew to get here.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I came as quick as I could!
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Matthew! Matthew.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Calm down. There's no fire!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23But you called me out of work. I had to rush out of an important meeting.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24It's the big match.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27You're always doing this.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28I came as quick as I could.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I can't believe the flat's been burgled!
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Thank God you're here. You're bass baritone.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33THEY SING "Frere Jacques" in canon
0:02:33 > 0:02:35# Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques dormez-vous...
0:02:35 > 0:02:39# Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques dormez-vous...
0:02:39 > 0:02:43# Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques dormez-vous... #
0:02:43 > 0:02:44I came as quick as I could.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47I can't believe there's a wolf in the flat.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Oh, I get it. There's no wolf, is there?
0:02:49 > 0:02:50I can't believe I fell for it.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Do you know, if you keep on making up stories, then people...
0:02:53 > 0:02:55ANIMAL GROWLS
0:02:55 > 0:02:58MATTHEW SCREAMS
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Well, I'm not sure what the moral of this story is.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02I suppose it is an important game.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05You're absolutely correct, Matthew. Ha, ha, you see?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Finally, you're starting to love football.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Because if I win 30 more points,
0:03:09 > 0:03:13I go to the top of the Fantasy Football League.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Like football, love stats.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Isn't the World Cup fun?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Fun?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21You arsehole.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23It's not fun.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Every World Cup's the same.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28You think, this time, it's going to be different.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29This time...
0:03:29 > 0:03:32we're going to win.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Then you actually start to believe it.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38And then you don't win.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40And you're devastated.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42And the worst thing about it is
0:03:42 > 0:03:44you never learn your lesson.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45It's true.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47But that's all right, because this year, we ARE going to win.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- Really?- Yeah.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Now, last time England won a game,
0:03:51 > 0:03:52we were all watching it together.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Call me superstitious...
0:03:54 > 0:03:55That is not what I want to call you.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57But if we're going to win today,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59we need to follow the ritual.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Yes! I get to kill another goat.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05No, Ben. The ritual of the last time we watched the game.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I had you on my right.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08You were on my left.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I was wearing this.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Weyhey!
0:04:11 > 0:04:13And my lucky pants.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Wo-hoah.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17There. Everything's the same.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Wig, pants, Matthew, Ben.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20- Yes!- Tom...
0:04:20 > 0:04:22you know, I can't stay for the game.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25It's my Nana's 90th birthday party today!
0:04:25 > 0:04:26Oh, she didn't invite us!
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Not after the way you behaved last year.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29What?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I bought her a lovely pack of nappies.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34And I spent hours playing that game with her...
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- Spin the Bottle.- I'm off.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I should go, too. Carabine'll kill me if he finds out
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I've bunked off work early to watch the game.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44He made his feelings about the subject very clear.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Now, some of you may think that,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48just because Scotland have failed to qualify
0:04:48 > 0:04:50for this particular World Cup,
0:04:50 > 0:04:54it will prevent my enjoyment of this feast of football
0:04:54 > 0:04:57at a time of great camaraderie and friendship.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59And you would be correct.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Any mention of football, pitches,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06grass, balls, shin pads,
0:05:06 > 0:05:09studs, fantasy football leagues,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12anything to do at all with the World Cup, or as I call it
0:05:12 > 0:05:16The Carnival of Arseholes,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18you'll be fired immediately.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19As you were.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I'm going to have to take my Fantasy Football League...
0:05:23 > 0:05:26underground.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30The first rule of Fantasy Football League
0:05:30 > 0:05:34is you do not talk about Fantasy Football League.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39The second rule of Fantasy Football League
0:05:39 > 0:05:41is no more than three players from any one country.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44We have to be very, very strict about this, guys.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47You both have to stay. We have to watch the game together.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Sorry, mate. I've got to get to my nana's house.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51I tell you what, Ben.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Before you get off to Nana's, how about you have a beer?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I suppose it's five o'clock somewhere.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Yeah, it's five o'clock here, Ben.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I can only have the one, though.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Nana will be heartbroken if I miss...
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Did he just bore himself to sleep?
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Not quite.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12I stuck a load of sleeping tablets in his beer.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14He's not going anywhere.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15So, you spiked him?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17I prefer the phrase
0:06:17 > 0:06:19"drug-encouraged rest".
0:06:19 > 0:06:22I don't know why, it sounds much worse.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25But it'll all be worth it when we win.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I mean, yes, they've got a better manager than us
0:06:27 > 0:06:29and yes, they're better looking than us
0:06:29 > 0:06:33and yes, they're better at football than us,
0:06:33 > 0:06:35but we're definitely going to beat them.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Do you know why?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Bulldog spirit and superstition.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43And I am definitely going to win my Fantasy Football League.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Do you know why?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Ball recovery percentages.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51How can you find Fantasy Football League
0:06:51 > 0:06:53more interesting than the real thing?
0:06:53 > 0:06:54You get to name your own team.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58That's why I am the proud manager of Matthew's Team.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I ran out of time.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Plus, if you win the national league,
0:07:03 > 0:07:04you get five grand.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Five grand?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09God, that's nearly six grand.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11It's kicking off.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Oh, right. Wig, pants, Matthew, Ben.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17Come on, England. Come on, England. Come on, England.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22What just happened?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24The TV broke.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25No, no, no, no.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26But it's kicked off.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29It will have kicked off. Matthew, quick. Fix the telly.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I can't fix the telly. Ben knows how to fix the telly.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Ben, fix the telly.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Oh, come on, mate. Snap out of it. Snap out of it!
0:07:38 > 0:07:40TOM SLAPS BEN
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Tom, get a grip on yourself.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45You're right.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48TOM PUNCHES BEN
0:07:48 > 0:07:49You know, I've not seen you this upset
0:07:49 > 0:07:51about a football match since we were kids.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54The hand of God incident.
0:07:54 > 0:08:02MUSIC: "Nessun Dorma" by Luciano Pavarotti
0:08:37 > 0:08:39The TV repair man will be round in an hour and a half.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42But that's 90 minutes! We're going to miss the whole game!
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Don't worry. I'll put the radio on.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48This isn't the fucking 1950s, Matthew.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50We're just going to have to watch it on your laptop.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Nooooo!!!
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Whoa!
0:08:55 > 0:08:56I'll find a live stream.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03So, that's what you're into, is it?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05I made a spelling mistake in the browser.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06I was looking for a picture of a canal.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15There. We're up and running.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Ah. There you go. We've got the ball.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Hang on a minute. It's buffering.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22It's buffering.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24It's buffering.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27It's not buffered.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Oh. Why don't our neighbours pay for a faster internet connection?
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Hang on a minute.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I've got a mate who lives across the way
0:09:34 > 0:09:37who owns an absolutely massive telly.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38We'll just watch it on his.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- Perfect.- YES!
0:09:40 > 0:09:43This isn't exactly what I had in mind. You sure he's your mate?
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Well...mate, guy I saw having a massive telly delivered...
0:09:47 > 0:09:48same difference.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Hey, it's lucky you had these.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Yeah, well, you know, I like to come here at night and look at comets.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Just there on the High Street, next to TK Maxx.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58And we're definitely going to win. Wig, pants, Matthew, Ben. Yes!
0:09:58 > 0:10:01I'm a bit worried about Ben. You're sure he's going to be OK?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Oh, don't worry. He's not going to wake up.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04I gave him well over the stated dose.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Just keep a close eye on him.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Someone keeps getting in the way of the screen.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12It's a woman. I think she's getting changed.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14She's taking her top off.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Do you think she's still there?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Let's check.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24She's naked!
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Do you think she saw us?
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Let's check.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Oh, no. She didn't see us.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Now, she's seen us. We should get out of here.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- Just one more check.- No.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Right, I've got it.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43We'll watch the game down the pub.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45The Tattooed Arms? No.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46It's way too aggressive.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47No, it isn't.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50The landlord's called Aggressive Gary.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Ben, wake up. We're going down the pub.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54God, that's the first time that hasn't worked.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- We'll have to leave him here. - No, no, Matthew. You know the rules.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I think so. There has to be a defender between the attacker
0:11:00 > 0:11:01and the goal line when the ball gets played.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04No, no, no. The ritual.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06All three of us have to watch the game together.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Brilliant. It's still 0-0.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Did we have to come here? It's a bit rough.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Oh, it's not that bad. GLASS BREAKS
0:11:24 > 0:11:25It'll be all right.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I drink here all the time.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30All right, sugar tits?
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Who are you?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I'll have a pint of what he's having.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Whisky?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Yeah. A pint of whisky.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39I'll just have a shandy.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Hang on, I ain't serving him.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43This happens all the time. I've got photo I'D.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Quite frankly, it's flattering.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Not you, you circus freak.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49I'm talking about him. He's paralytic.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Course he is!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Aggressive Gary!
0:11:52 > 0:11:54We're all getting shitfaced.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55It's the big game.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Come on, top lad,
0:11:57 > 0:12:01"Here's to alcohol, the rose-coloured glasses of life."
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Do you know who said that?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06F Scott Fitzgerald.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Put this round on my tab
0:12:09 > 0:12:12and don't take the piss.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Better make it half a shandy. In fact, a quarter.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Wig, pants, Matthew...
0:12:25 > 0:12:27without Ben, we're not going to win.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29We need to get him back from Aggressive Gary's gang.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Maybe we can just go and talk to them.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32I'm sure they're lovely blokes.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Leave this to me.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40I know how to handle guys like them.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43All right, top lad, we going to win today?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Good boy!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47All right, geezers, all right?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50See it's still Jack and Jill, 0-0.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53We'll give them bloody foreigners a right seeing to.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Oi!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56That is extremely xenophobic.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00It's people like you give people like me a bad name.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04"Talk, talk, talk: the utter and heart-breaking stupidity of words."
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Do you know who said that?
0:13:06 > 0:13:07William Faulkner.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Actually, statistically speaking,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12England's midfield do have a higher pass completion ratio.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13You...
0:13:13 > 0:13:16make a very good point, little boy.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Fantasy Football League. In fact, I feel a bit guilty.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20The opposing team's striker's on my team.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22If he scores against England, I win 50 points.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Time for another round.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Same again, sweetheart.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Come on, lads, drink up.
0:13:28 > 0:13:34Do something useful with that gobble of yours and knock it back.
0:13:34 > 0:13:39THEY CHANT: Hey, hey, hey!
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Which one of few chancers put a pint of whisky on my tab?
0:13:49 > 0:13:50That's the guy from my fantasy team.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Goal!
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Goal, gooo-aaalll!
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Run!!
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Leave 'em go, boys.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Let 'em go.
0:14:05 > 0:14:10After all, "If I can show love to those that do me wrong,
0:14:10 > 0:14:14"what great love can I show to those that do me right?"
0:14:14 > 0:14:16You know who said that?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Aggressive Gary said that.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Right, so, it's half-time. That gives us 15 minutes to find somewhere
0:14:25 > 0:14:26to watch the second half.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Oh, shit. It's Bryan from work.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29HE SHOUTS: All right, Brian.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32If he sees me, he'll tell Carabine I bunked off early to watch the game.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Well, if he's on his way home, that means work's kicking out.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37We can watch the game in your empty office.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38It is ten minutes' walk.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40We're only missing the half-time analysis.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Guys in bad shirts talking bollocks.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Half-time in this episode of Badults.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48So, Robbie, highlights?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50No! This is my natural colour, Dan.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Any room for improvement?
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Absolutely.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56I just want to draw your attention to this moment, earlier in the show.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Yeah, well, you know I like to come here at night and look at comets.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01- IN SLOW-MO: - 'Just there on the High Street,
0:15:01 > 0:15:03'next to TK Maxx.'
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Comets?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07That is just sloppy comedy.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I suppose you're right, Robbie. It's careless joke writing.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12You can't get away with that, this season.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13Comets closed down years ago.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Tell you what, let's hope for an improvement in the second half.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Erm, we're hearing that both Matthew and Tom
0:15:18 > 0:15:20are just approaching the office, now.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21So, let's re-join the action
0:15:21 > 0:15:24and find out whatever happened to the Likely Lads.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Brilliant, everybody's gone home.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33That means we can watch the game
0:15:33 > 0:15:36and Carabine will never even know we've been here.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Now remember this is where I work,
0:15:38 > 0:15:40so please try not to touch anything.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Tom!
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Matthew, everything has to be perfect for the second half.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52It wasn't for the first and we're a goal down.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Right. Wig, pants, Matthew...
0:16:00 > 0:16:01BOTH: Ben!
0:16:32 > 0:16:33I'm worried!
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Me too.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I mean, he's lost, he's outside, he's heavily drugged.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38It's like Glastonbury all over again.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40No, I'm worried about the game.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42If Ben's not here, we're going to lose.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Right, we're going to have to go and get him.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Yeah, but I haven't done my half-time substitutions.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50All right. Stay here. I'll be right back.
0:16:50 > 0:16:55MUSIC: "The Flower of Scotland" by The Band of the Scots Guards
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Mr Carabine, I...
0:17:01 > 0:17:04I thought you'd gone. I'm so sorry.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Ten World Cups in my lifetime.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Germany '74, didn't lose a single game, but home we went...
0:17:10 > 0:17:12a first round exit.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Then Argentina, Spain, Mexico, France, Italia '90,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19"Oh, he won't trouble Leighton from that distance...
0:17:19 > 0:17:20"Oh, disaster for Scotland!"
0:17:22 > 0:17:24All first round exits. But at least we were there.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26By God we were there.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29We have the sprained drinking elbows to prove it.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34The Tartan Army in full voice, with a full glass,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36our...our heads held high.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Oh, you were on the march with Ally's Army.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43We're all going to Argentine.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- Are you all right, sir?- Huh?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49And then all the others...
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Japan, USA, Germany, South Africa and now...
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Brazil?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57My life measured out in four year absences.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03What are the three saddest words in the British language?
0:18:03 > 0:18:04"Friend request denied?"
0:18:05 > 0:18:07"Did not qualify".
0:18:09 > 0:18:14Look. I'm sorry your country is so shit at football...
0:18:14 > 0:18:16erm, sir,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18but could you please put the game back on?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21There's a bigger game you've got to worry about now.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Get in there.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34Welcome to my World Cup.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Rio de Carabinerio!
0:18:43 > 0:18:45In my World Cup,
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Scotland topped the group,
0:18:47 > 0:18:50progressed all the way through the knockout stages
0:18:50 > 0:18:51to the final...
0:18:51 > 0:18:53where we're playing...
0:18:53 > 0:18:54England.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58It all rests on a penalty shoot-out.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Win and I let you stay and watch your precious game.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Lose and you're out on your arse with nowhere to watch the match.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Now, I've already selected my penalty takers.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11It's the Scottish All-Stars:
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Kenny Dalglish,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Robert the Bruce,
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Sean Connery,
0:19:18 > 0:19:21MacBeth
0:19:21 > 0:19:22and Shrek.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Pick yours.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Right...
0:19:28 > 0:19:31We always lose on penalties. We're England.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33I hate being flicked all the time.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34I'm waiting for the transfer window
0:19:34 > 0:19:37and moving across to table football.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Ah, you're becoming a foosballer?
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Yes, it's great.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Apparently, they're always at the bar.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Game on.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54MUSIC: "Samba De Janeiro" by Bellini
0:19:56 > 0:19:59MUSIC AND CHATTER
0:20:01 > 0:20:03CROWD CHEERS
0:20:05 > 0:20:07CROWD CHEERS
0:20:11 > 0:20:13CROWD CHEERS
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Right, Matthew.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46This is your final penalty.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Score this, and it goes to sudden death.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Miss...
0:20:50 > 0:20:54and England are out of the World Cup.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57And you are out on the streets.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01MUSIC: "Nessun Dorma" by Luciano Pavarotti
0:21:26 > 0:21:27LP RECORD ABRUPTLY ENDS
0:21:29 > 0:21:30What are you doing out here?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32I lost a penalty shoot-out with Carabine.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33We always lose on penalties!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Now we've got nowhere to watch the football and I can't find Ben!
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Cheer up, mate.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Remember the message of our World Cup Song.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42# England! Football! Lovely football.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44# Football! Football! World Cup!
0:21:44 > 0:21:46# I am rapping about football
0:21:46 > 0:21:49# Everybody wants to kick the ball
0:21:49 > 0:21:51And he's through on goal... Oh, no, he's offside.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53# England! Football! Lovely football.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56# Football, football. World Cup! #
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Actually, it didn't have a message.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59This is a disaster.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01I'm sorry to say this,
0:22:01 > 0:22:04but we might have lost Ben forever.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08- There he is.- Oh, yeah.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11I thought he'd woken up and gone to his nan's birthday party.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12That's it! Nana's house.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- She only lives round the corner! - Let's go!
0:22:20 > 0:22:24TOM AS BEN: Nana! There you are!
0:22:24 > 0:22:26My favourite grandson?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29I knew you wouldn't forget about me.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33I'm glad you didn't bring your two idiot mates.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Idiot mates?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39TOM AS BEN: Happy Birthday, Nana!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I bought you some crisps.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44You are thoughtful.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Come in, come in.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52Right then.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Five minutes to go.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56I can't believe we're still a goal down.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58There's still time. We can do it, boys!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Be a dear and pour it, would you?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06TOM AS BEN: Yes, of course, Nana.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08I'll be mother.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Don't forget the milk and sugar.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20TOM AS BEN: Yes, of course.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29I see you've put the football on.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Well, you watch that
0:23:30 > 0:23:32cos I'll need to take my pills.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Yes. That's the ball, yes.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39What with my weak heart.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- Cross it. Cross it!- Shoot!
0:23:41 > 0:23:45The doctor says I should just avoid any sudden shocks.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48THEY SCREAM: Goal!
0:23:57 > 0:23:58- Not him.- He's with us.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Don't worry. We'll look after him.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Great! Now we're locked out. We're going to miss extra time.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- Extra time? That means it's been 90 minutes!- So?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14So, the TV repairman will be at our house.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Yes!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23So, it seems the horse died underneath him,
0:24:23 > 0:24:26but what's incredible is it kept running and they won.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27They won the race.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Yeah, yeah, please, but what about the telly?
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Right, yeah.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Now, after all that, lads,
0:24:32 > 0:24:34it seems there's nothing wrong with the television at all,
0:24:34 > 0:24:36so I think the problem is in the fuse box.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Please try and hurry up, please.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39We're missing extra time!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Ah, it's the football you're after, is it?
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Great, yeah. I, myself, have no interest in that at all.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Never have, never will,
0:24:47 > 0:24:49but I'll tell you what I love is the bake-off.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Now, there's a real competition.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- Yes, yes, all right, all right. - That's a real competition.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Please just get a move on.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Now, football is supposed to be a sort of manly pursuit, you know?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Personally, I believe that the ability to bake
0:25:02 > 0:25:05is a very sort of masculine attribute, you know?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Now, if you took one of those Premiership footballers
0:25:08 > 0:25:12with their champagne lifestyle, put them in that kitchen there
0:25:12 > 0:25:14and gave them 20 minutes to produce a pavlova,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17they'd fall to pieces...
0:25:17 > 0:25:18as would the pavlova.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23I tell you what, they think it's pavlova, it is now.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Right, let's try this.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Yes! That's it. That's it. It's working.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Oh, God, it's gone to penalties.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Penalties?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Oh, we always lose at penalties.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41But not this time.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Wig, pants, Matthew, Ben. Yes.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Eh, lads, eh, you know,
0:25:44 > 0:25:47I do a bit of the old baking, myself. Yeah.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Yeah, I just live in the block opposite,
0:25:49 > 0:25:50over the way from you there, now.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52It would surprise me very much
0:25:52 > 0:25:55if you haven't already smelled one of my signature flans
0:25:55 > 0:25:57baking away in the oven.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00If my calculations are correct, if England win on penalties,
0:26:00 > 0:26:02I'll go to the top of the national league.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03I will win five grand.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Used to be a lovely neighbourhood, this, you know, beautiful area,
0:26:06 > 0:26:08but it's really gone downhill of late.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10In fact, just this afternoon,
0:26:10 > 0:26:12I got a phone call from the wife.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14She said she's after being spied on
0:26:14 > 0:26:16while she was getting changed
0:26:16 > 0:26:19by a great, big, fat hooligan and his little kid.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Come on, England!
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Come on, England!
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Can you believe it?
0:26:23 > 0:26:26I mean, apparently they had a pair of binoculars
0:26:26 > 0:26:27and a telescope with them.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29I mean, what sort of world are we living in
0:26:29 > 0:26:31where a woman can't get...
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Wait a minute.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38It was ye two, wasn't it? You were spying on my wife!
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Can you please keep it down?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41The penalties are about to kick off.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Well, we'll see about that!
0:26:44 > 0:26:45You perverts.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
0:26:50 > 0:26:55You will never, ever, ever get to taste one of my signature flans.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58No!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Oh, God, he can't do that.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Calm down, Tom. It's just a flan.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03No!
0:27:03 > 0:27:04The football, Matthew.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06We've been through too much to miss the end.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09You're right. We have got to get the power back.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Must have dozed off.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Hope I haven't missed Nana.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20For England?
0:27:20 > 0:27:21For football!
0:27:22 > 0:27:24ELECTRICITY CRACKLES
0:27:31 > 0:27:33MOANS AND GROANS
0:27:33 > 0:27:35What?
0:27:35 > 0:27:39MACHINE FLATLINES
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Oh, f...
0:27:47 > 0:27:50MUSIC: "World In Motion" by Englandneworder