0:00:03 > 0:00:05# Always fooling around when we were young
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# Time flies fast when you're having fun
0:00:08 > 0:00:10# Don't want to get old, never want to grow...
0:00:10 > 0:00:15# Up. #
0:00:15 > 0:00:20This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Oh, Matthew.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26This is a momentous day in history.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Oh, the day you finally gave yourself type 2 diabetes.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32No. I am about to complete an around the world journey...
0:00:32 > 0:00:34in food.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35I had a brainwave this morning.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37I finished my full English and thought,
0:00:37 > 0:00:39"Why stop there?
0:00:39 > 0:00:42"I'm going to eat myself across the globe."
0:00:42 > 0:00:43China. Spain.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45India. Still to come...
0:00:45 > 0:00:46Arctic Roll.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47And then...
0:00:49 > 0:00:51it's G'Day Australia.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Just as soon as I've conquered Italy. Ciao.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57What is that? The trophy for world's grossest man?
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Oh, no, I've run out of bowls.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01So, you mugged Usain Bolt?
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Hang on a sec.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03These are yours?
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Yeah, of course they're mine.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07You used to be a champion athlete?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Why do you look so surprised?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12HE FARTS
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Mm...
0:01:13 > 0:01:14that was Morocco.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16You haven't maintained the athlete's lifestyle.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19You're the only man I know whose New Year's resolution
0:01:19 > 0:01:21was to spend the whole of January blackout drunk.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22I don't remember that!
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Oh. That'll be Ben.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27For my trip to the deep American south,
0:01:27 > 0:01:29I sent him to the local chicken shop.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Terrible news.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34- They've shut down Ken's Lucky Fried Chicken.- What?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Yeah. Under the Trades Description Act.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38I always wondered why Ken did that
0:01:38 > 0:01:39when he said the word "chicken".
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Ken'll bounce back. He always does.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43He opened that chicken shop within days
0:01:43 > 0:01:45of his dog food factory being shut down.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Don't worry.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I got chatting to a bloke at the farmers' market
0:01:48 > 0:01:50and he sold me...
0:01:50 > 0:01:51this!
0:01:54 > 0:01:59Apparently, this is what an actual chicken looks like.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01All we need to do now is kill it.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Whoa! Count me out.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Say what you like about Ken's "chicken",
0:02:05 > 0:02:07but at least it doesn't look like a real chicken.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Or taste like real chicken.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Or, from the hygiene report,
0:02:10 > 0:02:12contain any actual chicken.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I can't eat something once I've seen its face.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Now, if you'll excuse me,
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I'm off to my room to eat a plate of live witchetty grubs.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Count me out too.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26I feel guilty enough eating Percy Pigs.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28And his poor pals.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31They might be right, Mr Chicken,
0:02:31 > 0:02:32but I guess we'll never know.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Come on, let's get you killed.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Hey, Matthew.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Oh, hi, Lucy.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Erm, do you want to go to the cinema with me this weekend?
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Yeah.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Thought so,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49but I don't want to go with you.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54Right.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Listen up, worker bees.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58This is an important announcement from me,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00your Queen.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03That sounded so much better in my head.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07This Saturday, Carabine Promotions is hosting a charity fundraiser
0:03:07 > 0:03:09"Fun-Run Run For Charity".
0:03:09 > 0:03:12As with all of my fun events,
0:03:12 > 0:03:14participation is mandatory.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15"Fun run"?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18How can something involve running and also be fun?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20It's like saying "enjoyable endoscopy".
0:03:20 > 0:03:21I think it sounds wonderful.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22An endoscopy?
0:03:22 > 0:03:23The race.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27It's the perfect combination of my twin interests -
0:03:27 > 0:03:29people seeing me doing stuff for charity
0:03:29 > 0:03:30and looking good in Lycra.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Obviously, all proceeds go to the "Food for the Homeless" charity,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39so it's not about who wins or loses.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Having said that, whoever does win
0:03:41 > 0:03:44will be featured prominently on the front page of the local Gazette
0:03:44 > 0:03:48posing with the coveted Carabine Selfless Charity Shield.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Sir, just checking, when Matthew comes last,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I mean, when someone comes last,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57does their picture go on the Wall of Shame?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Oh, of course.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Such an excellent idea of yours, Lucy.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I've never had one that wasn't.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- Here's your post, sir.- Thank you.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Ah! The results of my endoscopy!
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Ah. Good Lord...
0:04:16 > 0:04:17that was an enjoyable day.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25This is going to taste brilliant.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27CHICKEN SQUAWKS
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Come on, Ben.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32It was worth it.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35CHICKEN SQUAWKS
0:04:35 > 0:04:37I had to do it.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41BEN SCREAMS
0:04:41 > 0:04:43No, I can't.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45I've committed a murder.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Taken an innocent life.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52An animal shouldn't have to die, so that I can eat.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55From now on, I'm going to treat all animals
0:04:55 > 0:04:58with the same respect I would a human being!
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Good night, sweet prince.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Where have you been? Why weren't you at lunch?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11I thought I'd fit in a quick training session.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Nothing major.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Just the five miles.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- Show off.- I am not.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Guys, listen,
0:05:17 > 0:05:20just because I used to represent my district at cross country,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22can bench-press 250
0:05:22 > 0:05:24and have been described by at least two exes
0:05:24 > 0:05:27as "intimidatingly athletic",
0:05:27 > 0:05:29doesn't mean I'm going to win.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31God. This race is anyone's.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Well, not yours, Matthew.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Actually, Lucy, that's where you're wrong.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37I'm not going to come last,
0:05:37 > 0:05:38and do you know why?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I've got a friend who's going to train me up.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44A friend who used to be a champion athlete.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Oh.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Jackpot!
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Bin meat.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Tom, I need to ask you something.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Are you eating out of the bin?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I saw it first.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01And anyway, isn't that Ben's chicken?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Not any more.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05I don't want anything to do with meat.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06I've decided to become a vegetarian.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Ha. So, you won't be needing this.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11That's quite a big lifestyle change, Ben.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13No, it isn't. It's easy.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17I'll just eat stuff that isn't meat.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Think I'll start with some of that leftover shepherd's pie.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Oh, no, but Ben...Ben, that's meat.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25It's made of real shepherds?
0:06:25 > 0:06:26All right, I'll just have some bacon.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28That's meat.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29- Sausages?- That's meat!
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Meat feast pizza?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- Sorry, Ben.- Oh, God.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37What am I going to do?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Tom, I need your help.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40I'm being forced to run a race this weekend.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Will you train me up?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44You don't need me. Didn't you used to run at school?
0:06:44 > 0:06:45I used to run the chess club.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47And even that aggravated my asthma.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50But you...you used to be a champion athlete.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53That was a long time ago.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55I don't want to talk about it.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56OK, fine.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58HE YELLS: I said I don't want to talk about it.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03I was the fastest five-year-old in the county.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06"How?" I hear you ask.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09One reason...
0:07:09 > 0:07:10me father.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19He was a good-looking man.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Stylish, debonair,
0:07:22 > 0:07:25a hit with the ladies.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26But as a coach he was merciless.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29From a very early age,
0:07:29 > 0:07:33my dad was always pushing me to succeed.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34Move it.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Move it! Faster, come on!
0:07:37 > 0:07:39BABY CRIES
0:07:39 > 0:07:42It's no use crying. That was too slow.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Back to the start.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49On your marks, get set, go!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52BABY COOS
0:07:53 > 0:07:56What is so difficult about trying to run
0:07:56 > 0:07:58before you can walk?
0:08:01 > 0:08:06But in time it began to pay off.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Soon, I was an undefeated toddler athlete.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11I won the five-metre sprint,
0:08:11 > 0:08:13the 100-metre marathon,
0:08:13 > 0:08:14even the hurdles
0:08:14 > 0:08:16or, as we called them, the gurgles.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19And then it got to the day of the big race.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21The preschool Olympics.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Big win today, son.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27You've got this, my boy.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Oh, you're not going to let me down.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Ho-ho, not today!
0:08:30 > 0:08:33On your marks, get set...
0:08:33 > 0:08:35STARTING PISTOL FIRES
0:08:35 > 0:08:36- 'I tried to run.'- Run!
0:08:36 > 0:08:38- 'I just couldn't move.'- Move!
0:08:38 > 0:08:42'The pressure had got to me. I froze.'
0:08:42 > 0:08:44You're a failure.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46You're no son of mine!
0:08:46 > 0:08:49MUSIC: "The Boss" by James Brown
0:08:49 > 0:08:52# Paid the cost to be the boss #
0:08:52 > 0:08:55# I paid the cost to be the boss. #
0:08:55 > 0:08:59Three years later, my dad left my mum and ran off with a barmaid
0:08:59 > 0:09:02and all because I didn't win that race.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03I don't think that bit's your fault.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Either way, that was the day
0:09:05 > 0:09:07that I turned my back on athletics for good
0:09:07 > 0:09:09and promised never to return.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10I'm sorry, Matthew.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11I can't coach you.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Try not to cry.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I'm not crying. Can you smell barbecue?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Ben, I thought you were vegetarian.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22- I am.- But you're cooking burgers.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Yeah, but I'm not eating them.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Oh...
0:09:30 > 0:09:34That's the shit!
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Matthew, do me a favour,
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- eat this in front of me.- No.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Come on. Please, man. I just want to watch.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42You're going insane from meat withdrawal.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44I think you need to go cold turkey.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Cold turkey isn't meat?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48It's the loophole I've been looking for.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Desperate times call for desperate measures.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Come on, guys, come on.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54I'm aching for some bacon.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I'm itching for a pork scratching.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00I've got the steak bake shakes!
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Sorry, buddy. We're doing this for your own good.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07He's in for a long night.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13BEN GROANS IN PAIN
0:10:28 > 0:10:31BEN SCREAMS
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Well, off to work.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Where I guess, I'm going to have to tell everyone
0:10:42 > 0:10:44that my personal trainer
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- just didn't come through for me. - Shh, Matthew.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Today, I'm going to eat the seven wonders of the world.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Behold.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54The Great Wall of Tuna.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57It's a shame.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I really believe you'd have been a brilliant coach.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05But I guess I was wrong.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13ANGELIC CHOIR MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Ben, you look like a new man.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I feel incredible.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22I'm cured.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24No more meat for me.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Not even cured meat.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30From now on, I'm 100% vegetable.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32You've always been 100% vegetable.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I've overcome my meat dependency.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36I don't even need this patch anymore.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47What have I become?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- IN A WOMAN'S VOICE: - Hello, Mr Carabine?
0:11:54 > 0:11:55Yes, this is Matthew's mother.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I'm afraid he can't take part
0:11:57 > 0:11:59in your little running race this weekend,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02cos of a terrible medical condition.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Yes, he's got a weak...
0:12:04 > 0:12:06body.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Ah, Matthew's mother.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11How nice to hear from you again!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Again?
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Yes, it's been a year,
0:12:14 > 0:12:16but I haven't forgotten.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18That was a hell of a night.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Tell me, do you still have
0:12:20 > 0:12:23those Agent Provocateur crotchless panties?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Yes. Yes, I do.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29What am I wearing right now?
0:12:30 > 0:12:31I'm naked.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35- AS MATTHEW: - You want to do what with what?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- AS WOMAN:- Yes, of course.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- I...I won't tell Matthew.- Matthew!
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- Sir!- Ah, nice try, lover-boy!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46He was trying to get out of the fun run. Well, it's going to take more
0:12:46 > 0:12:48than impersonating your mother
0:12:48 > 0:12:50and having phone sex with your boss.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52That was your plan?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54And I thought you just LOOKED like a pervert.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Anyway, weren't you going to train?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Didn't you say you had a friend
0:12:58 > 0:13:00who was a champion athlete?
0:13:00 > 0:13:01I thought I did.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03But I was wrong.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Or were you?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- Tom?- Call me Coach.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Sorry, who are you?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12I can tell you who I was.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16I was a man who'd lost all self-respect
0:13:16 > 0:13:19until a friend told me he believed in me.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20What are you doing in my office?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22I'm repaying that belief.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I'm going to train my boy up here,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27to win your little race.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28I don't think so.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32I've already had Lucy's name engraved on the shield.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Well, you better un-engrave it
0:13:33 > 0:13:35because we're going to win that shield.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39A) You cannot un-engrave something
0:13:39 > 0:13:41and B) The only thing Matthew is going to get tomorrow is a stitch.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Yeah, well, a stitch in time saves nine.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Leave the trash talking to me.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49What do you say we make this fun run interesting?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51It is interesting.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53It's in fancy dress.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55I mean, really interesting.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Matthew can beat this Lucy character.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00- And I'm prepared to put money on it. - What?!
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Now, you're talking my language.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Shall we say...
0:14:04 > 0:14:05two?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Ha! What, A fat quid?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09How about five?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Five grand it is!
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Oh, five grand? Hang on a minute.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Not backing out, are we?
0:14:14 > 0:14:18I've never backed out of anything in my life.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20My car's still stuck in that garage.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22May the best coach win!
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Lucy!
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Five grand?
0:14:25 > 0:14:26That's nearly six grand.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29That's how much I believe in you, buddy.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Let's get training.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36I love being a veggie.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40I get to have a clear conscience and eat healthily.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44'Please don't, Ben! Think about where I came from?'
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Switzerland?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47'No, I came from a cow.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51'Both me and the milk came out of a cow's tits.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55'Think about our mother, so cruelly treated.'
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Oh, come on, there's no use crying over...
0:14:59 > 0:15:01yourself.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03I guess I'll just have an...
0:15:03 > 0:15:06'I wanted to grow up to be a chicken!'
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Alright. I won't eat you.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11I can't believe I'm going to say this,
0:15:11 > 0:15:13but I'm going to become a vegan.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15All right, fruit and veg.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I guess it's just you and me now.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20FRUIT PROTEST: No! Have mercy! Don't do it!
0:15:20 > 0:15:21For fuck's sake.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25You said we'd be training.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Why are we hiding in the stationery cupboard?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30My Dad taught me that the first step of any training regime
0:15:30 > 0:15:33is to sabotage the opposition.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Phase One - we need to get Lucy out of shape.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Gift her these 12 doughnuts.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39She's bound to munch the lot.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43Who could resist such a delicious sugar-coated treat?
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Oh, what's this?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Little present from me to you.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48Half a doughnut?
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Phase One didn't work.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53It's time for Phase Two -
0:15:53 > 0:15:55injury.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Gift her these 12-inch heel stilettos.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01She's bound to twist her ankle.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Who could resist such a glamorous, height-increasing gift?
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Why do you look taller?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Now that would be telling.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15OK.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Phase Three -
0:16:17 > 0:16:19bribery.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Who could resist £100 in cash?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- New hat?- Yes, it is.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28It cost £100,
0:16:28 > 0:16:29paid in cash.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Phase Four - we buy an Acme anvil
0:16:33 > 0:16:35and suspend it off the edge of a cliff.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Lucy runs past... "meep, meep,"
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- we cut the rope.- You've run out of ideas, haven't you?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Right! That's enough.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44You two have been crouching in that cupboard all afternoon.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47I was just showing my boy some stationery
0:16:47 > 0:16:50because that's what he's not going to be in tomorrow's race.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Sir, they've been trying to sabotage me, I think.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Eating doughnuts, wearing high heels, buying hats.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Every dirty trick in the book.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02You disgust me.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04I disgust myself.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Get out.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07You better bring it tomorrow.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Oh, I'll bring it.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12- Well, make sure you bring it.- Oh, I'll bring it.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Sorry. Just to clarify, what exactly do I need to bring?
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Well, that's the next step of my dad's training regime complete.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Buy tracksuit from charity shop.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32I don't see how this is going to help me beat Lucy.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Hey, my dad's system never fails.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36I'm training you to win.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37All I wanted was to not come last.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Do you know what you sound like?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41A loser.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Now drop and give me 20.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46Push-ups!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Urggh...
0:17:48 > 0:17:49- Ben?- You OK?
0:17:49 > 0:17:50I've had a terrible day.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53I gave up meat and became a vegetarian.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Fish - I was a pescetarian.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57I gave up the rest, I was a vegan.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58I gave up cheese.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59I was a brie-gan.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01And now I've given up everything.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03What does that make you?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Fucking hungry.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08So, you're only allowed to eat fruit?
0:18:08 > 0:18:12No. Fruit and vegetables are living things, too.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Tell them, Mr Apple.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19You see? He makes a compelling argument.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20No, you sit there.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Rest your pips.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Ben, it's just an apple. It can't talk.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27He did not mean that.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30OK, OK, calm down.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32No, they're not fucking knob-heads.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35I'm sorry, he's not normally like this.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36And what are you wearing?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Nothing that harmed a living creature.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40I know.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44You were untimely ripped from the back of a screaming animal.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Now we both feel sheepish.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50By your logic, you're not able to eat anything.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52What's that, Mr Apple?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54I could always forage for food?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Food that's fallen naturally to the earth won't mind being eaten?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Yes!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- We should go after him.- No, no, no!
0:19:01 > 0:19:02We need to win this race,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05and winning is more important than friendship.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07My dad taught me that!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10It's also more important than health, happiness and Christmas.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13But the race is tomorrow. I don't stand a chance.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Let's see how you feel after our...
0:19:16 > 0:19:18training montage.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21MUSIC: "You're The Best Around" by Joe Esposito
0:19:23 > 0:19:25# Try to be best cos you're only a man
0:19:25 > 0:19:28# And a man's gotta learn to take it
0:19:28 > 0:19:30# Try to believe though the going gets rough
0:19:30 > 0:19:33# That you gotta hang tough to make it
0:19:33 > 0:19:35# History repeats itself
0:19:35 > 0:19:38# Try and you'll succeed
0:19:38 > 0:19:40# Never doubt that you're the one
0:19:40 > 0:19:43# And you can have your dreams!
0:19:43 > 0:19:44# You're the best!
0:19:44 > 0:19:46# Around!
0:19:46 > 0:19:47# Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
0:19:47 > 0:19:49# You're the best!
0:19:49 > 0:19:51# Around!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53# Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
0:19:53 > 0:19:54# You're the best!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56# Around!
0:19:56 > 0:19:58# Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
0:19:58 > 0:20:00# You're the best! Around!
0:20:00 > 0:20:03# Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
0:20:03 > 0:20:04# You're the best!
0:20:04 > 0:20:06# Around!
0:20:06 > 0:20:08# Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
0:20:08 > 0:20:10# You're the best! Around... #
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Yes, yes, yes, yes.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Ah.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24I think we're ready.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Tom, this montage is supposed to be for me.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Yeah, but you weren't making any progress.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Kyle, here, is really good at montages.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Besides, you don't need any training
0:20:36 > 0:20:38because you've got something better than training.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41A coach who believes in you.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45That isn't better than training.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49You can't stay here.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Here he is.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01The champ who's going to win the race
0:21:01 > 0:21:03and make me proud.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05(You better not make me look stupid out there.)
0:21:05 > 0:21:08And you need to look smart
0:21:08 > 0:21:10when you're on the front of the Gazette!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Oh, isn't that just adorable.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Tom, you're embarrassing me in front of my friends.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Right, there's just the small matter
0:21:17 > 0:21:19of the mandatory fancy dress costumes
0:21:19 > 0:21:21that I have selected for you.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Now, because the charity is "Food for the Homeless",
0:21:24 > 0:21:26I thought food-related costumes would be...
0:21:26 > 0:21:27Massively inappropriate?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Fun.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34- Ha.- Fancy dress costumes aren't going to make any difference.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41(How am I going to run in this?)
0:21:41 > 0:21:43(I'm going to look ridiculous...)
0:21:43 > 0:21:45on the front page of the Gazette.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47There's no way I can run in this.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Nice try, Carabine,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52but that massive, heavy chicken outfit
0:21:52 > 0:21:54is only going to make him faster.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Erm, no, it isn't.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Nervous?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Because you look chicken.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Yeah, well, you look...
0:22:03 > 0:22:04sandwich hat.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Give it up, Chicken Little.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07You can't beat me.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Now, if you'll excuse me,
0:22:09 > 0:22:10I have a race to win
0:22:10 > 0:22:14and some New Radicals to listen to while I'm winning it.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24So hungry.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26'Don't mess with me.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27'My dad's an oak tree.'
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Why is there no food that actually wants to be eaten?
0:22:33 > 0:22:34'What are you doing?'
0:22:34 > 0:22:36I'm sorry,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38I'm just so hungry!
0:22:38 > 0:22:42Well, of course, you're hungry, my little trampy friend.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45But, don't worry, all your homeless pals are over here.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46Come along.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47That's it.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Right, let's get this tax avoidance scheme...
0:22:57 > 0:22:59I mean, charity fundraiser underway.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Ok, good morning.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Erm, welcome, ladies and gentlemen
0:23:05 > 0:23:07and homeless people.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Welcome to the "Charity Fun-Run Run For Charity."
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Now, obviously, today is all about fun.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16My Mr Smiley tie is testament to that.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Please, but it's also about charity.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27So, why doesn't one of you come up here,
0:23:27 > 0:23:29tell us your story? What about you?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Hobo Joe, everybody.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Hobo Joe.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Here he is.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Hobo Joe.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Why don't you tell us,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40where did it all go wrong?
0:23:45 > 0:23:46I bought an organic chicken.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Well, a powerful reminder, ladies and gentlemen,
0:23:56 > 0:23:59of how close the poverty line really is.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Right, let's get this race started.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07All right, Matthew.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10I thought I'd just give you a few words of encouragement
0:24:10 > 0:24:11before the big race.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Now, no pressure,
0:24:12 > 0:24:14but the stakes are absolutely massive
0:24:14 > 0:24:16and you have to win.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21'I've already had Lucy's name engraved on the shield.'
0:24:21 > 0:24:25'Give it up, Chicken Little. You can't beat me.'
0:24:25 > 0:24:28'You'd better not make me look stupid out there.'
0:24:28 > 0:24:29On your marks,
0:24:29 > 0:24:31get set,
0:24:31 > 0:24:32go.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Oh, come on, run, Matthew! Run!
0:24:36 > 0:24:37I can't move.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39The pressure's got to me! I'm sorry, Coach.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Matthew!
0:24:41 > 0:24:42You failure.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45You're no son of mine.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Wait a minute. What am I saying?
0:24:48 > 0:24:49What have I become?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I'm not going to end up like you, Dad.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58HE SCREAMS
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Oh. Matthew, listen. I was wrong.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Winning isn't important,
0:25:04 > 0:25:06neither's making me proud.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08What's important is...
0:25:08 > 0:25:10- Self-belief?- No, no, not that.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Friendship?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Not friendship, you dick.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16That five grand bet you made?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Oh, shit! That's what's important...
0:25:18 > 0:25:19money!
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Run, Matthew.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Run like all my cash depends on it.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27MUSIC: "You're The Best Around" by Joe Esposito
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I'm doing it. I'm running.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Maybe Tom was right. Maybe I can win this race.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37I'm doing it!
0:25:37 > 0:25:39I'm not doing it.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40I'm not doing it.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42I can't do it.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45A chicken.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Just kill me now.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49What's that, Mr Chicken?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Kill you now?
0:25:51 > 0:25:53This is my chance!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56I'll eat you, Mr Chicken. I'll eat you, Mr Chicken.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58I'll eat you!
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Five grand.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09I can almost taste it.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Mm. Papery.
0:26:14 > 0:26:20MUSIC: "Casta Diva" from "Norma" by Bellini
0:26:54 > 0:26:58MUSIC: "We Are The Champions" by Queen