0:00:02 > 0:00:05# Always foolin' around when we were young
0:00:05 > 0:00:07# Time flies so fast when you're having fun
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# Don't wanna get old Never want to grow uh-uh-uh-up
0:00:11 > 0:00:15This programme contains some strong language
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Ah... It's finished!
0:00:19 > 0:00:25Finally, I've completed the play that's going to make me millions.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Picture the scene - there's an asteroid and it's heading for Earth.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33It's down to an oddball gang of oil rig workers to fly into space
0:00:33 > 0:00:35and drill it to bits!
0:00:36 > 0:00:38That's not your idea. That's Armageddon.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Is it?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- You even called it Armageddon!- Oh!
0:00:42 > 0:00:43This often happens by accident.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Your subconscious must have remembered the film as you were writing it.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Plus, I was watching Armageddon at the time.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Don't worry, I'll write up my other original idea.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Maximus Decimus Aurelius is father to a murdered son,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59husband to a murdered wife, and he...
0:00:59 > 0:01:00That's Gladiator.
0:01:00 > 0:01:05No, no, no, let me finish, um, and...he works in Pizza Hut.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Look, all you have to do is write about your own life.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Draw from your personal experience.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13There's a writer's rule that says, "write what you know".
0:01:13 > 0:01:17- Right!- Yeah, what you know.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19"Write what you know." I tried that once.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22And we were all very proud of you, Ben.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- OK. Off to work.- Matthew! Matthew!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- What is it?- Could you pass the remote control please?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31No, I'm not your slave. Get it yourself.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33And tidy up this mess while you're at it.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37I can't. I've signed on. I'm on the dole now.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40If I want to keep claiming benefits, I can't do any work.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- I don't think that includes housework.- I can't take that risk.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Not as long as I keep getting these sweet, sweet hand-outs.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Why are you in such a rush to get to work, anyway?
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Aren't you getting bullied by that girl you love?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54I am not being bullied.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Unbelievable.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58It's true, Matthew.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02I AM the Secret Millionaire and I'm giving you £100,000
0:02:02 > 0:02:04so you can quit your job.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Hey, Mr Carabine, you can stick your job up your dick!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12You're not really the Secret Millionaire, are you?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Oh, no.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17But I have got a brilliant plan of my own.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19When I get into work early today,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Lucy's going to see that the tables have turned.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24- Are you going to turn her table around?- Incredible, right?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27She won't suspect a thing.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Hang on. This isn't a payment.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Apparently, you can only get Jobseeker's Allowance
0:02:33 > 0:02:34if you're seeking a job!
0:02:34 > 0:02:39- Weird.- OK, Tom. Time to write what you know.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43They've stopped my benefits until I start going to job interviews.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46This is good, Ben, you need proper employment.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47No more lazing around the house,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49expecting other people to do stuff for you.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Who knows, you might even find your dream job.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Being on the dole is my dream job.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I get to sit around doing nothing,
0:02:56 > 0:03:00and then once a week I get paid for writing my name on a piece of paper.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01And I know my name.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04I guess that's why they call them BEN-EFITS.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Ah! I've completed the first scene of my new play.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13It's set in an untidy living room.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Matthew, you read the role of Matthew.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18And Ben, you are Ben.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21My name is Ben.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23I'll read the role of Tom. OK, off you go.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27MATTHEW CLEARS HIS THROAT "Ben, you need to look for a job."
0:03:27 > 0:03:29But Tom just said we had to read his play.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I know, that is the first line of the play. I was acting.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Oh. That was very good.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Thank you so much. BEN CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:03:36 > 0:03:39"But I want to do nothing and stay on the dole."
0:03:39 > 0:03:41This Ben character hasn't got much going on up top,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44he doesn't even know how Jobseeker's Allowance works!
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Stick to the script!
0:03:45 > 0:03:49"I guess that's why they call them BEN-HAND-OUTS!"
0:03:49 > 0:03:50TYPEWRITER DINGS
0:03:50 > 0:03:52BEN-EFITS, Tom. It was a play on words.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I know I said write what you know, but this is awful!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Hey, do not blame the writing. It's the performance.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I'm going to do something we should have done a long time ago -
0:04:01 > 0:04:04get better actors to play the three of us.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08MOBILE VIBRATES
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Oh, great, now I'm late for work.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Oh, I've got a message from Lucy.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15She's forwarded me an office memo I missed.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17You know, maybe she's not so bad after all.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Ah, it's about dress code. Better get changed.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Right. Item one - dress code.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28I want my employees to be smart, impressive, business-like...
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Ta-dah!
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Denim Thursdays!
0:04:34 > 0:04:37There's no such thing as Denim Thursdays, is there?
0:04:37 > 0:04:38- No, no.- What an arse.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41That's what I thought when I saw you in those shorts.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Moving swiftly on to item two.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48The new position.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51And I'm not talking about what me and Mrs Carabine got up to last night.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- HE CHORTLES - No, that's item three.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55ALL GASP
0:04:58 > 0:05:05Breaking news - I am no longer the CEO of Carabine Promotions.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08I've promoted myself to president!
0:05:08 > 0:05:13Yes, eh? President! I don't know, I just thought it sounded cooler.
0:05:13 > 0:05:18But as a result, I am looking to appoint a vice president.
0:05:18 > 0:05:23Now, to serve as my vice president, you are going to...have to...
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Oh, thank you, Lucy.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28..keep me organised and anticipate my every need.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Tissue, sir?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Now, I want this sorted today.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42I have advertised externally but, uh, you know,
0:05:42 > 0:05:46ideally, I would like to appoint from within.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48You're such a suck-up.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51It'll all be worth it when I'm made vice president.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Why would you even want that?
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Whoever becomes my veep will get a massive pay rise and their own PA.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Oh, I see.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Think you're up to the task? Apply today.
0:06:00 > 0:06:06Uh, oh, Lucy, here's your...application form.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- And, sir, can I... - Oh, not you, Jean Genie.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Now go and change into something more suitable
0:06:11 > 0:06:13from the lost property box.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Oh, Matthew, don't forget - tomorrow is PVC Friday.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20PVC Friday, yes! I can wear my red trousers...
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Oh, piss off!
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Ben! What are you doing here?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35- What are YOU doing here? - I work here.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39- I thought you were a postman? - That's Tom.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43Oh. I saw this in the job centre.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45"Vice President needed. Interviews today.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48"Don't bother applying as I've already decided who I want".
0:06:48 > 0:06:51It's perfect. I get to go to a job interview,
0:06:51 > 0:06:53but there's no way I'll actually get the job.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Well, Lucy's in there now. I wonder how she's getting on.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- How'd it go?- I'm quietly confident.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- MR CARABINE:- 'Next!'
0:07:14 > 0:07:19Ben, I cannot stress enough how vital it is that you endeavour
0:07:19 > 0:07:21to find employment.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I cannot bring myself to look for work.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Oh, why, oh, why did they have to threaten to take away
0:07:26 > 0:07:27my Jobseeker's Allowance?
0:07:27 > 0:07:31It was ideally suited to my temperament!
0:07:31 > 0:07:36Listen to me. That's why they call them BEN-EFITS.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't understand.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43It's a play on words. It's really very funny.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47- Is it?- You just need to start acting more like Matthew and Ben.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53The only member of this cast who is really nailing it so far...
0:07:54 > 0:07:56..is Andreas.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00You've captured the very essence of Tom.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Grazie.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04But you.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06You need to ask yourself, "What would Ben do"?
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- Well, I haven't got a clue. - That's more like it.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14- You don't know what you're doing, do you?- Oh, and that's exactly what Matthew would say!
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Finally, you're inhabiting your characters.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Follow me.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22It's time we went method.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29And that, is all I know.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31What, that your name is Ben?
0:08:33 > 0:08:37Yeah, as impressive as your CV is...
0:08:38 > 0:08:41..it doesn't actually contain any information about you, I...
0:08:43 > 0:08:46So...what attracts you to this position?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Well, I like the way your hands are behind your head,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51it looks very relaxing.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54No, no, no. What... What are your strengths?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56One - memory.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Two - maths.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Five - memory.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I think I've heard enough.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04"HAIL TO THE CHIEF" THEME RINGS ON MOBILE
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Hello, this is your president speaking.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Oh, dear, no, I couldn't make any decisions on stocks and shares
0:09:10 > 0:09:12without first consulting my financial advisor,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15and, well, he's still in rehab.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Oh, sell or buy? Sell or buy?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20- Bye!- Really?
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Oh, well. OK, I'll take a punt. Yeah. Buy! Buy! Buy! Bye.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I've been designing my new nameplate.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Oh, you've missed out the words "and professional brownnoser".
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Matthew, you should be nicer to your future vice president.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41I get to choose my PA. And what if I choose you?
0:09:41 > 0:09:45You'd have to do everything I say. You'd be my slave.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
0:09:50 > 0:09:55To be dominated by a strong, powerful, attractive woman.
0:09:55 > 0:10:00So desirable, yet, oh, so unobtainable.
0:10:00 > 0:10:07I'd make your life hell, a weird, sexy hell.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Look, I know what you're trying to do and it's not going to...
0:10:10 > 0:10:12All right, maybe it has worked a bit.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15I'd destroy you.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Ladies and gentlemen... I have made my decision.
0:10:19 > 0:10:25Please be upstanding for your new vice president, Ben!
0:10:25 > 0:10:30- What?!- My name is Ben.
0:10:32 > 0:10:38A man whose sound financial advice just earned me thousands of pounds.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Yes! In your face, Lucy. My friend's vice president and you're not.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43LUCY WHINES
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Ben, this is great! You've finally got a proper job.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- I don't want a proper job. - Well, it's good for me.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50I've really dodged a bullet, I don't have to be Lucy's PA.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- What's a PA?- It's someone who does all your menial tasks
0:10:53 > 0:10:54and errands for you, 24/7.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- It's basically a glorified slave. - I want Matthew to be my PA.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00- Done.- Shit!
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Ben, you are lazy, you need to look for a proper job.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10But I don't want to get a job, I want to stay on the dole.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- I am a genius.- Excellent, Andreas!
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Who are they, and what are they doing in our front room?
0:11:18 > 0:11:22They're performers, and they're inhabiting their characters.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Inhabiting our clothes, more like. That's my shirt!
0:11:25 > 0:11:28It can be difficult when art holds up a mirror to life.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Now sh, for they rehearse.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32Tom, this is terrible,
0:11:32 > 0:11:35you've just written down what happens in the flat.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39The script is perfect. You? You are a terrible actor.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41If I'm such a terrible actor,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43how come I've done three episodes of Hollyoaks?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Uh, uh, uh, Dominic, darling, that was a line from the script.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- TOM LAUGHS - OK, look, how about we call it a day?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Andreas, a quick word.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Sorry, can I just say, it's a real pleasure to be playing you.
0:11:55 > 0:12:01- I've always wanted to play a buffoon.- Me, too! Ooh-ooh-ooh!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03You see, I've been playing you taller.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Now I know where that inner rage comes from.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09- Fuck off!- Beautiful. Can I use that?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11OK, we'll pick up where we left off tomorrow
0:12:11 > 0:12:14and just bear that in mind, Andreas -
0:12:14 > 0:12:16yes, you're showing me Tom's intellect,
0:12:16 > 0:12:20but you also need to show me he once got off with a French girl.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- Matthew! Matthew!- What is it?
0:12:24 > 0:12:28- Could you pass the remote control? - No, Ben. I've already told you, I am not your slave.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32Slave! Ah, but you are, aren't you? You're my PA, remember?
0:12:32 > 0:12:36When you've done that, you can clean up all of this.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39And then, you can make a start on this.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45"Cook dinner". Give you a "sensual bed bath"?
0:12:46 > 0:12:47Ben, I am not making you a crown
0:12:47 > 0:12:50and I am certainly not writing you a theme song.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53# He's got lovely, flowing hair He can jump into the air
0:12:53 > 0:12:55# He knows his name He can count to ten
0:12:55 > 0:12:58# He's a legend He is Ben. #
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Nice crown, Veep.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Thanks, sir. My PA made it and this cape.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Veep! Veep!
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Now, you and I have got some work to do.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17To the Oval Office!
0:13:19 > 0:13:23- Just so you know, I blame you for this.- Yeah, I thought you might. Is that why you've done this?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28No, I just like drawing cocks on things.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Well, if it makes you feel any better,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33ever since Ben got that job, I have not stopped working -
0:13:33 > 0:13:35clothing him, feeding him, bathing him -
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I haven't had a moment's peace.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41PHONE RINGS Hello?
0:13:41 > 0:13:42Matthew.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Two large coffees, two croissants, two muffins and two full English!
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- Hang on. Do you want anything? - Oh, just a cup of tea.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52And a cup of tea. And get my suits dry-cleaned.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53You don't have any suits.
0:13:53 > 0:13:58Well, then, buy me some suits and then get them dry-cleaned!
0:14:00 > 0:14:04I must say, Veep, you're really getting into the swing of this executive lifestyle.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07But now, it's time to earn it.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Yesterday you displayed fearless financial mettle.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13But now it's time to get down to the business
0:14:13 > 0:14:16of advertising and promotions.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Real work.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Real work?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Ah.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Oh, I still can't BELIEVE that Neanderthal man got my job.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30It would have been bad being your PA, but you'd never have got me doing this.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35I thought you said Ben was useless?
0:14:35 > 0:14:39- Yeah, he can't really do this, it's just a painting. - And anyway, if Ben's so useless,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- how come he's been in there working with Carabine all day? - Trust me.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Soon, Carabine's going to realise that the only thing Ben is good at is doing nothing.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49- Matthew, Lucy, my office immediately.- Told you.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I just wanted you to witness
0:14:54 > 0:14:57the genius of your vice president's hard work.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00This morning the dairy industry asked us to come up with
0:15:00 > 0:15:03a poster campaign to advertise milk.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Veep came up with this.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10It's classic, it's simple, it was a massive success.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Wait till you see his campaign for the alpine ski slope.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- And...- The Blank Paper Company.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Oh, sorry, it's upside down.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Damn, he's good.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23And just when I thought this wunderkind
0:15:23 > 0:15:25couldn't get any more wunderbar,
0:15:25 > 0:15:29he comes up with a masterful slogan for the new clothing range
0:15:29 > 0:15:32for the designer, Ben Sharman.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35My name is Ben.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Of course, with this new business coming in, you can't be expected to survive with just one PA,
0:15:40 > 0:15:43so, Lucy, I'd like you to join Team Ben.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Oh, fuck off!
0:15:47 > 0:15:50..Is what I would say to anyone trying to stop me
0:15:50 > 0:15:52joining this winning team.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Veep! Veep!
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- BOTH:- Veep, veep.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Now, all this success couldn't have come at a better time.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Tomorrow, I'm making a speech
0:16:01 > 0:16:04at the annual promotions industry conference.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08The biggest slash ONLY event in the promotions calendar!
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Ben, you're going to be writing my speech.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Now, I want it on my desk tomorrow morning.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Don't you let me down! As if he could!
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- Whoa.- Tom?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Rehearsals are getting really interesting.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33I can't see, I'm too short!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36What's going on? Fucking, fuck off!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Why's he talking like that?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Since he met you, he's really found the truth of his character.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43What are THEY doing in OUR front room?!
0:16:43 > 0:16:46They are inhabiting their characters.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Inhabiting our clothes, more like!
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Get a job, I'm angry.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54I can't, I'm too stupid.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56I couldn't afford any more real actors,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58so I had to go to the youth theatre.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I'm a genius!
0:17:00 > 0:17:03All right. Stop, stop, stop, stop.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Uh, darlings, you were fantastic.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10- SHOUTS:- What the shitting cock was that?!
0:17:10 > 0:17:15You want to work in this industry? You need to grow some balls!
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Hey! Tomorrow is opening night!
0:17:18 > 0:17:21But you haven't even written the end yet.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Actually, that is a point of concern for the whole cast.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25How is this play going to end?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Et tu, Miles?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30You're siding with this prick?!
0:17:30 > 0:17:34I just have some concerns, Thomas. And what about this title?
0:17:34 > 0:17:38They're crap at being adults, they're CRAPULTS!
0:17:39 > 0:17:40It's a genius title!
0:17:40 > 0:17:44And, of course, I'm going to be able to come up with an end.
0:17:45 > 0:17:50Right, that's it. That's it. Get out. Go on. Rehearsals are over!
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Out! Stefano, Andreas, a word.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Well...this is weird.
0:18:06 > 0:18:11So, you just need to keep in mind that Tom is a lover and a fighter.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Go on.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16OK, you two, quick.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19I need you to do something that feels like an ending.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I don't know, kill each other or get married.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Oh... Oh, God, this is going to be hard.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Lucy, what are you doing here?!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Sir, as your new PA, I just thought I'd come round
0:18:33 > 0:18:35and see if you needed anything doing.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- Brilliant! - Let us make you a drink, sir.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40You can learn a thing or two from her, Matthew.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Matthew, make Ben his favourite drink.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Now you're sucking up to Ben!
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Look, I hate being Ben's PA just as much as I LOVE
0:18:47 > 0:18:49drawing cocks on things,
0:18:49 > 0:18:53but I reckon, that with my sharp mind and with...
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Well, with my sharp mind, we could get Ben fired.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57This isn't another one of your tricks to make me look stupid, is it?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00No, this isn't about you. We need to work together.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- So we're a team?- Just follow my lead.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08There you go, sir, half a pint of beer in half a pint of milk.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Ah, my favourite - bilk.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16So, have you had any ideas about Carabine's big speech tomorrow?
0:19:16 > 0:19:21Now, hear me out... No.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Well, why don't you leave it to your PAs?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28And you can just go and get some much needed rest.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32Well, I have earned it. Veep, veep, everyone!
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Ah, bilk.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51- My favourite. - HE BURPS
0:19:53 > 0:19:58And now, Matthew, we can write whatever we want in that speech.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01And Ben'll hand it in to Carabine and Carabine will fire him. It is perfect!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Yes, and then you kill each other and get married.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09- No, Tom.- Was worth a try.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- ANNOUNCER:- 'And now, to deliver the keynote speech,
0:20:11 > 0:20:14'please welcome the president of Carabine Promotions.'
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- APPLAUSE - Maybe I should have read this through first.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20No, what would be the point? If Ben's written it, it's bound to be brilliant.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22HE CLEARS THROAT
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Citizens of the promotions industry,
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I stand before you today,
0:20:28 > 0:20:32not as president of my own company
0:20:32 > 0:20:38or as a captain of local industry, but as a man, a free man,
0:20:38 > 0:20:42in a free market, who also happens to be an arseface.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48And not just an arseface, but a prick, a cock-knocker,
0:20:48 > 0:20:52a shitter, a classic arsehole and a tit.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Ask not what you can do for the promotions industry,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59but ask why am I such a bellwhiff?
0:20:59 > 0:21:05Ich bin ein terrible prick. Thank you. Thank you.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10If this plan works, you have to admit, we make a pretty cool team.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13I will admit that I am pretty and cool,
0:21:13 > 0:21:18and that WE have maybe worked as a team, how's that?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20I'll take it!
0:21:20 > 0:21:22MR CARABINE GROWLS
0:21:27 > 0:21:29BEN GROANS
0:21:29 > 0:21:31How dare you humiliate your president like that?!
0:21:31 > 0:21:35You are impeached, fired, excommunicated, sacked.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Matthew, Lucy, my office, now.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Ooh!
0:21:48 > 0:21:50This has taught me a valuable lesson...
0:21:50 > 0:21:51never trust outsiders.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56Lucy, of course you're my vice president.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Now, would you like to choose your PA?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I-I don't think I'll be needing a PA, sir,
0:22:02 > 0:22:06but I'd like to appoint Matthew our secretary of state.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08I like that!
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Pay rises all round! Tonight, we celebrate.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15It's cocktail o'clocktail!
0:22:16 > 0:22:19I can't do tonight, sir, I've got to go to the theatre.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20My housemate's written his new play.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24Well, warm up the motorcade and count us in!
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Whoever heard of a president having a bad time at the theatre?
0:22:29 > 0:22:32PIANO PLAYS
0:22:34 > 0:22:38JAUNTY PIANO MELODY
0:22:39 > 0:22:42# My name is Tom I'm writing a play
0:22:42 > 0:22:44# Writing a play to be finished today
0:22:44 > 0:22:47# His name is Ben You're a slob, you're a slob
0:22:47 > 0:22:49# Ben, you're a slob Go get a job
0:22:49 > 0:22:51# No way, not today
0:22:51 > 0:22:54# I'm on the dole, by the way
0:22:54 > 0:22:56# It's so good, I'll never quit
0:22:56 > 0:22:59# That's why they call them BEN-EFITS. #
0:23:02 > 0:23:05# BEN-EFITS. #
0:23:05 > 0:23:08I wrote that one! TYPEWRITER DINGS
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Ben, you OK?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16I'm more than OK! I had an accident at work.
0:23:16 > 0:23:21The compensation is better than the dole. I'm living the dream!
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Well, let me know if you need help going to the loo or anything.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29I'm attached to a bag. Like I said, I'm living the dream!
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Sh! Sh!
0:23:40 > 0:23:43# Now the play is tomorrow It's not there yet
0:23:43 > 0:23:46# But you'll get it right What a privilege it's been
0:23:46 > 0:23:49# I'm very proud of each one of you
0:23:49 > 0:23:53# You're the best damn actors I've ever seen
0:23:53 > 0:23:55# I'm inspired!
0:23:55 > 0:23:56# I'm motivated. #
0:23:56 > 0:23:58I want my mum!
0:24:00 > 0:24:04(This is wonderful. Oh, Lucy, there's someone playing you!)
0:24:08 > 0:24:10# You must write a speech
0:24:10 > 0:24:14# But don't worry, it's fine
0:24:14 > 0:24:15# We will write it
0:24:15 > 0:24:20# Then you'll give it to Carabine
0:24:23 > 0:24:25# This speech must be so bad...
0:24:25 > 0:24:29# That it leaves Carabine in disgrace
0:24:29 > 0:24:35# Let's get him to say he has an arse for a face. #
0:24:38 > 0:24:40I wonder if Tom's managed to come up with an ending?
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Are you Tom?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Yes, I am. I wrote this play.
0:24:48 > 0:24:54I'm from NASA. There's an asteroid and it's heading to Earth.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57You've been selected to fly up there
0:24:57 > 0:25:01with an oddball bunch of oil drillers and drill it to bits.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03But I am just a humble writer.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05That's not true, Tom.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08You're the only man for the job.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12HE INHALES DEEPLY Then I will do it.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15I can't promise I'll come back.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17But I can promise you this...
0:25:19 > 0:25:20I will be doing it all for you.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30# I don't wanna close my eyes
0:25:30 > 0:25:33# I don't wanna fall asleep
0:25:33 > 0:25:37# Cos I'll miss you, babe And I don't wanna miss a thing
0:25:37 > 0:25:41# Even when I dream of you
0:25:41 > 0:25:43# The sweetest dream will never do
0:25:43 > 0:25:45# I still miss you, babe
0:25:45 > 0:25:50# And I don't wanna miss a thing. #
0:25:51 > 0:25:54APPLAUSE
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Sir, that bit about the speech, I can explain.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04It was complete fiction. Tom made it up.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06I know what you two did.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09You're going to be doing unpaid overtime for the rest of your lives.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Well... Well, that is the last time
0:26:11 > 0:26:14I think about teaming up with you, Matthew.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15I will get you back for this.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20And as for you...
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Well, I've spoken to my lawyers about that compensation
0:26:23 > 0:26:26and I'll see you in court.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28May the best man win.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Oh.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38TOM CHATTERS
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Excuse me. Are you Tom?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Yes, I am...
0:26:42 > 0:26:46MUSIC: "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- I wrote the play.- I'm from NASA.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52There's an asteroid heading straight towards the Earth.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55We need to fly you out to it and drill it to bits.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57But I'm just a humble writer.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Turns out you're the only guy for the job, sir.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Then I'll do it.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09I can't promise I'll come back, but I can promise you this.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16I'll be doing it for you.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20# I don't want to close my eyes... #
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Good luck up there, son. Do your country proud.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Thank you, Mr President.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33# Cos even when I dream of you
0:27:33 > 0:27:36# The sweetest dream would never do
0:27:36 > 0:27:41# I'd still miss you, babe And I don't want to miss a thing
0:27:44 > 0:27:46That is the last time we let Tom write an episode.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51# I don't want to close my eyes
0:27:51 > 0:27:53# I don't want to fall asleep
0:27:53 > 0:27:59# Cos I'd miss you, babe And I don't want to miss a thing
0:27:59 > 0:28:03# Cos even when I dream of you
0:28:03 > 0:28:05# The sweetest dream would never do
0:28:05 > 0:28:11# I'd still miss you, babe And I don't want to miss a thing... #