0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:08 > 0:00:12# I'm hoping for sun and lots of sand so I've packed some just in case!
0:00:12 > 0:00:14# We won't work, just laze around
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# I'll be pissed by half past three
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# That's what I do most every day So no real change for me
0:00:22 > 0:00:25# Our bags are packed Our flights are booked
0:00:25 > 0:00:27# Fantastic time we get
0:00:27 > 0:00:33# There's just one thing I ought to say, I think you've overslept! #
0:00:33 > 0:00:34ALARM CLOCK RINGS
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Shit!
0:00:39 > 0:00:41# Always fooling around When were young
0:00:41 > 0:00:44# Time flies so fast When you're having fun
0:00:44 > 0:00:49# Don't want to get old Never want to grow up. #
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Ben, wake up, we're off on our holidays!
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Relax, we've got hours. We're not leaving till eight, right?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Eight in the morning.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01There's an eight in the morning?
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Tom, are you ready?
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Buenos dias, Senorita! Donde es la playa?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Tom, we're going to a Greek island.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Yeah, I know. Let me just say goodbye to my Spanish cousin.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Adios, Fernando. Gracias for coming to stay.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Me gusta el futbol y el tenis.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Ah, Fernando. For a Spaniard he speaks such limited Spanish.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- The taxi will be here at 8am. - Shotgun!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29- You can't call shotgun. - No, Ben's holding a shotgun.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Take it off him.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33What have I told you about that?
0:01:33 > 0:01:34And I'm sitting in the front.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37You know I get carsick if I don't...get my own way.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Now, we need to walk out that door at 8am.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Yes! Unless my new mattress hasn't arrived.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44You ordered a new mattress?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Yeah, my old one kept getting wet in the night.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50But don't worry, it'll delivered by 8am.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53We can't wait for your new mattress to be delivered.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Yeah, neither can I! It's a Super Spring 3,000!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Can't you just go and pick it up from the depot next week?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Matthew, I'm a postman.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I know what happens to things left in the depot.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07I don't want anyone sullying that mattress until I get the chance to.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Well, mattress or no mattress, we need to walk out that door
0:02:10 > 0:02:11in 26 minutes exactly.
0:02:11 > 0:02:16That's lucky. This show finishes in 26 minutes.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Look.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19What's on next?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Jeepers! They've really kicked it up a notch on Snog, Marry, Avoid.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Series record!
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Right, just a few more things to do, then we're all set.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33First item, find passports.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36While we're away, have you thought what you're going to do with your new pet?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Don't worry, Squinky. I've got a plan.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Yeah, why did you buy a squid?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43The pet shop was selling him off cheap because he's poorly.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Six quid.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Oh, that is cheap.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48No, he's a sick squid.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Six quid?! Oh, dear.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Seriously, though, I do feel rotten.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59He's the last thing I have to pack.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Come on then, Squinky, in you get.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Ben, you can't take animals.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06People are always saying that.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Seriously?!
0:03:10 > 0:03:12They make one film and everyone goes berserk.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14It's political correctness gone mad.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I was as mad as a box of frogs which, by the way,
0:03:19 > 0:03:22they won't let you take on a cross-channel ferry.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Guys, have you seen our passports?
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Leave that with me. I put them with all our important papers.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31- Brilliant! Next item, has everybody packed?- Yes.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- Ben?- You said to pack all the clothes I'll need for a week, right?
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Right.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Yeah. I'm packed.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39What about your hand luggage?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- Gloves?- No, the stuff you take on the plane.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Oh! Gimme a sec.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47And I'm packed!
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Whoa, Tom. You're going to be too heavy.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Oh, that's a bit harsh. I'm on the 5:2 diet.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I eat five breakfasts, and two dinners.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58And I thought that sick squid joke was bad.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I'm talking about your luggage. You need to go through this
0:04:02 > 0:04:04and take out anything that isn't essential.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Whoa. It's all essential.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- This isn't.- It's called the Essential Michael Buble.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Find a smaller suitcase and finish packing. And get those passports.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Right, next item, take out the recycling.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Tom, I've just remembered, we need an international adapter plug.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20OK!
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Folks.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25We'd like to take a minute to plug this international adapter,
0:04:25 > 0:04:29suitable for 2-pin, 3-pin and 10-pin.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31Call now.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Is it going to be like this all the way through?
0:04:37 > 0:04:42Right, next item, call the bank and tell them I'm going away on holiday.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44It's always such a bitter-sweet experience,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46I hate waiting on hold but I love the music of Sigur Ros.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Their lyrics really speak to me.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50SIGUR ROS HOLD MUSIC PLAYS
0:04:50 > 0:04:52MATTHEW SINGS TERRIBLY
0:04:58 > 0:05:02So true. In the meantime, clean out the fridge.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Oh, did that yesterday. Check.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10You cleaned out the fridge? You threw out my vintage ham.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15And my retro yoghurt.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17In a couple of years they were going to be worth millions.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20That is an episode of Antiques Roadshow I do not want to see.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Right, defrost the freezer.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25So there's snow.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Yeah, actually, I can only think of one word for it.
0:05:30 > 0:05:35Christmas sprinkles? God's dandruff?
0:05:35 > 0:05:36No, no-one calls it that.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Snow?
0:05:38 > 0:05:39I said that one.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42BOTH: Aaah!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Better forget the freezer.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Look what I've found!
0:05:46 > 0:05:49That's perfect! It's exactly the right size for the plane.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Oh, it's perfect all right.
0:05:52 > 0:05:58- Ta-da!- Wow.- The old magic show. Let's see if I've still got it.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Oh, I've still got it.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Tom, we do not have time for magic.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10I've not used this since that talent show on our first ever
0:06:10 > 0:06:15holiday together - Torquay, 1995.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17And we certainly haven't got time for a flashback!
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Too late!
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Boppin's Holiday Camp had everything.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26Arcades, go-karts, a ball pool,
0:06:26 > 0:06:30until that kid drowned and they replaced it with a whack-a-mole.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33But the main attraction was that talent show.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51OK, I can see you guys are going to need something a little bit
0:06:51 > 0:06:52more impressive.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56How about some escapology?
0:07:01 > 0:07:09Take one strait jacket, one straight guy and chuck in a tank of nine piranhas!
0:07:14 > 0:07:17And I woke up in A&E to find out I hadn't won.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19It was a travesty.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22The real travesty was...me not winning.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Good evening, ladies and gentleman.
0:07:29 > 0:07:35Tonight, I am going to be reading some of my very own...poetry.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37BOOING AND HISSING
0:07:40 > 0:07:43And I woke up in A&E to find out I hadn't won.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46But the greatest travesty of all was...
0:07:46 > 0:07:50I won, with my gravity-defying acrobatics display.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52MUSIC: "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead
0:08:07 > 0:08:09That should have been me.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11It should have been me. You messed up your trick.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12I didn't even get a chance.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Your poems were crap, mate.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17"I sat on a spoon, I went to the moon"?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19They were a little bit better than that.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21And face it, you're crap at magic.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23It took you 52 tries to guess my card.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26In a way, that's actually more impressive.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27You were awful.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29He is called the Amazing Tom.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31He gave himself that name.
0:08:31 > 0:08:37Right, I propose a rematch, right here, right now. Poems versus magic.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- What?! - Winner gets shotgun.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43The taxi driver is minutes away. We're supposed to going on holiday.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45- Was that your first poem? - No!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Thank God for that, that was really good.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I'm not having this rematch, now get packing.
0:08:52 > 0:08:58Tumble dryer has finished, that means we've got 15 minutes left!
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Oh, I was worried they'd shrink.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Check!
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Well, Squinky, if I can't take you with me,
0:09:06 > 0:09:10I can at least make sure you've got plenty of food.
0:09:10 > 0:09:17Squid food, one small scoop per day. Warning: Do not overfeed. Hm.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Best be careful, then.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24There you go.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25That's for today.
0:09:27 > 0:09:34And that's for Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, that's for the weekend.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Now don't eat it all at once, or it'll go straight to your eight hips.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Jesus Christ.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Still on hold.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48"You are currently in a queue."
0:09:48 > 0:09:51It's like my call isn't important to them.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53"Your call IS important to us."
0:09:53 > 0:09:54What a relief.
0:09:54 > 0:10:02OK. Quick question about beachwear, is it wrong to wear a thong?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07It's like someone's garrotted a sausage roll.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I mean, come on, is it really that bad?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12It looks like gift-wrapped giblets.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Besides, you don't need to worry about beachwear. There's no beach.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20What? There's no beach?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22No, but this holiday has plenty more to offer.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26For example, you should definitely pack for a visit to a fully operational quarry.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Why do we always have to go on such shitty holidays?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Hang on. You've only booked two rooms?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Don't worry, I've worked it out, I'm in the single, you two are in the twin.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45No, no, no, I've got a better idea, I'm in the single,
0:10:45 > 0:10:46you and Tom are in the twin.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I've worked out you and I share the twin, Tom's in the single.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- Yes!- Perfect!- Brilliant!
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on, why does no-one want to share with me?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Allow me to explain using the following allegory.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01A farmer wants to cross a river, he has a chicken, a bag of grain and a fox.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Now, the chicken and the bag of grain both think the fox is a dick.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- Whoa!- I'm sorry, am I the chicken or the farmer?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11I tell you what, I'll be selfless.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14I'll take one for the team. I'll allow you to share with Ben.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Yes!
0:11:15 > 0:11:18And I'll be in the single room, with its en-suite and air conditioning...
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- Hang on.- Don't worry, Ben, you still get to be the farmer.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Yes!
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Worked like a charm.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Right, Tom, where are those passports?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I keep telling you, Matthew, I put them with our important papers.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30What important papers?
0:11:30 > 0:11:33The Times, The Mirror, The Telegraph.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36That big pile of important papers in the hallway.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37That's the recycling.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39You put our passports in the recycling?
0:11:39 > 0:11:44But I took the recycling out this morning because today is...
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Bin Day!
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Fucking cretins.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53- I'd better finish packing. - Well, I've done my hand luggage.
0:11:53 > 0:11:58- What's in there? - Just a few of my favourite things.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02My massive scissors, a firework banger, this starter pistol,
0:12:02 > 0:12:06a rusty coat hanger, throwing knives, acid, a glass jar of pills,
0:12:06 > 0:12:08a bottle of liquid over 100ml.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- You can't take any of that on. - You're kidding me? Why?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Because of all the security threats.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18When was the last time you watched the news?
0:12:18 > 0:12:23Let me see. Ah, September the 10th, 2001. What have I missed?
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Google it.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28DOOR BELL RINGS
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Delivery for Tom?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Ah, my mattress has arrived and with time to spare.
0:12:34 > 0:12:39Do you know, for some reason, I thought this delivery would turn out to be humorously problematic.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Sign here, please, mate.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Whoa, wait a minute. This isn't my mattress.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Are you sure?
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Yeah. This one's made out of memory foam. Listen!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50I remember the good old days.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53There used to be four posts on a bed.
0:12:53 > 0:12:58Go and get me a Super Spring 3,000 and deliver it immediately.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59But it's a 12 minute round trip!
0:13:00 > 0:13:03There's still time.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05All right, I'll go and pick it up from the depot.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Hey, don't even think about interfering with my mattress!
0:13:09 > 0:13:10I grabbed as many bags as I could.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14They've got to be in one of these!
0:13:14 > 0:13:20See, I told you no good would come of this recycling fad.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Oh, retro yoghurt.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22DOOR BELL RINGS
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Well, that hasn't been 12 minutes.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Ah, you must be the taxi driver.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33You talking to me? You talking to me?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Seriously, are you talking to me?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I can't hear that well, I'm... Wait a second, I'll turn this up.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39That's better, right.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40You better come in.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43So, are you ready to go?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46I tried to call but your phone's been engaged all morning.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- Has it?- Don't hang up!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52You're through to Bankwell.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55If you have a problem with your current account, type one.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58If you have diabetes, type two.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02If you'd like to hear more Sigur Ros, type three.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Matthew, we haven't got time for this. Look, the taxi driver's here.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Just give me two minutes. I need to find the passports. Don't touch that.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12- Well, make yourself at home. - Yeah?- Yeah.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15So, going on your holidays, eh?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19What, what are you doing?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Sorry, force of habit.
0:14:22 > 0:14:27This is why I never read the news! Terrorists. Hijackers.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32Bombs in shoes? There is no way I'm going to an airport.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36Ben, calm down. The odds on a terrorist attack are tiny.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37- Really?- Really.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40I mean, statistically,
0:14:40 > 0:14:43most plane crashes are due to mechanical failure.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44Google it.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- You guys are going to be late. - Ah, yes.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50I need to finish packing.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Hey, is that some sort of magic show?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- I love a bit of magic. - Really?
0:14:57 > 0:15:01Yeah, yeah, before I got the cab I was the bar manager at the Magic Circle.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06Oh. Well in that case, prepare to be amazed.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Hey, give me that back!
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Right, only one more bag to check.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Probably should have started with this one.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Jackpot! Here they are.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28We nearly got recycled.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32At least we're doing our bit for the environment.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Come on, mate, cheer up.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37We're passport photos. We're not allowed to smile.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Almost ready to go on holiday.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45To check your bank balance, type three, seven.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49To check your physical balance, stand on one leg.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Where's Tom?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52MUSIC: "A Kind of Magic" by Queen.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Tom, we haven't got time for this!
0:16:07 > 0:16:12Time? When you witness The Amazing Tom, time stands still!
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Well, it certainly seems to slow down.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16What's the matter, Matthew? Scared you're not going to get shotgun?
0:16:16 > 0:16:20No, I'm scared we're going to miss our plane. Now, I've printed the boarding passes...
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- Ah-ha!- No, no, no, we need them to fly!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Oh, do we need them to fly, Matthew?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Or do we need them...
0:16:27 > 0:16:29to fly!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32You've torn up our boarding passes.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Yeah, they were supposed to turn into doves.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Has anyone got any Sellotape so I can magic them back together?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40For the final time, Tom, you cannot do magic!
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Now go to your room and finish packing!
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Oh, now I'm going to have to print off these boarding passes again.
0:16:49 > 0:16:55I ain't getting on no plane! I just Googled it.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Engine failure, broken landing gear,
0:16:58 > 0:17:00faulty wings - not to mention the prices.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04Seven quid for a tiny beer. We're all going to die.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Sober.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Ach, don't be scared of air travel.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Who are you?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Statistically, it's one of the safest modes of transportation.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Really?- Really. Nah, it's the roads that are dangerous.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18I should know. I'm a taxi driver.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22You're much more likely to crash in my car on the way to the airport.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Google it.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32"I sat on a spoon and went to the moon..."
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Whoa, no. No, don't read that.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38- That's just some rubbish poetry someone wrote ages ago.- I don't know. I think it's rather good.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39I love a bit of poetry.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Really? Because I wrote it.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Ah, well, you see, before I had the cab I was,
0:17:44 > 0:17:47in fact, Editor in Chief of the Times Literary Supplement.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Oh, just, just out of interest,
0:17:49 > 0:17:52would you say that my poems were better than Tom's magic show?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Eh... I think we should be leaving now.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Just answer the question. Quick yes or no, then we're out the door.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Yeah, well, I mean, it's pretty verse, yes, em,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02but Tom, he's a real showman, isn't he?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Wait right there!
0:18:08 > 0:18:14One more packing decision left to make - Ellis-Bextor or Dahl?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17It's a real Sophie's Choice
0:18:17 > 0:18:18I hate living here.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22I'll pack them both.
0:18:31 > 0:18:37My mind will unwind, to find a kind of bind.
0:18:37 > 0:18:42Unwind. Then rewind. Bacon rind.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Very good.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Whoa. What the hell's going on here?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Oh, the taxi driver was just saying how much he enjoyed my poetry.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- I thought I'd treat him to a quick recital.- Yeah?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Well, he didn't enjoy it as much as he enjoys my magic.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Abracada-bra.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Actually, I think he preferred it.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Yeah, it does rhyme really well.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Thank you! No-one ever picks up on that.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09There is no way his poems are better.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11And I can prove it.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14If you want to make your flight, we have to leave in five minutes.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16We know, we know. The clock is ticking.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19So is my meter.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24I'm not going. It's too dangerous.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28If it's not terrorists, it's the plane.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30If it's not the plane, it's the taxi.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Oh, no, Ben, have you been Googling things?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36I'm staying here at home, safe as can be.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38But you've got to come on the holiday.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40It's all booked and paid for.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43And, besides, when you think about it, nowhere's really safe.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47I mean, the house isn't safe. Germs. Bacteria.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Statistically, the house is the least safe place you can be.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Google it.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53No, don't Google it! Oh!
0:19:54 > 0:19:59Time for something a bit more impressive.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03How about some escapology?
0:20:03 > 0:20:04I love escapology.
0:20:04 > 0:20:11Oh, ho, well, prepare to be impressed. Ta da!
0:20:13 > 0:20:16No, Tom! We've got to go on holiday!
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- He's not getting out of there, is he?- Nope.
0:20:28 > 0:20:33Oh, God, what's wrong with the printer now?
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Oh, no. Oh, God. We're out of ink. What are we going to do?
0:20:37 > 0:20:43Ink. Think. Ink. Think. Ink. Think.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Ice rink.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Oh, why does poetic inspiration always strike in a crisis?
0:20:47 > 0:20:51All right, young lad, where's the key?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53MUFFLED SPEECH
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- You swallowed it. - Mm-hmm.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- Why? - MUFFLED SPEECH
0:20:58 > 0:21:02Yeah, of course, good magicians never explain their tricks, do they?
0:21:02 > 0:21:03That's all right.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05We need to find a way to get some ink.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08You can just print new ones at the airport.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Who doesn't know that? Idiot!
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Squinky.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Sorry, mate. I've got no other option.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20No, no, man. At the airport. No, no, print them at the airport!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Desperate times call for desperate measures.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Ink.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Right, you sort your mate in the box, I'll sort the printer, OK?
0:21:43 > 0:21:44I'm a dab hand.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Before I got the cab, I used to work at News International.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Can't really talk about it.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Tom, come on, we've got to go on holiday.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53MUFFLED SPEECH
0:21:53 > 0:21:55No, we can't put you through as excess baggage.
0:21:55 > 0:22:01Right. I'm ready. Ready to face the house. There are germs everywhere.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04I'm going to quarantine myself in my room.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06All I need now is Squinky.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08Squinky?
0:22:13 > 0:22:14The germs must have got to him.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18The house IS contaminated.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20I've made a mess but I've done it.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Your hands. You're infected.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Calm down, Ben.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26It's spread to Matthew!
0:22:26 > 0:22:29You've got the black plague.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Get back! Both of you!
0:22:30 > 0:22:33The whole house is contaminated.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35It's not safe to stay.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36But then it's not save to leave!
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Come back in here, Ben.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Leave me alone! I'm staying out here.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50It's the only place where I can be certain I'm safe.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- Ben! - I'm OK.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Tom's mattress has arrived
0:22:59 > 0:23:00Oh, that's lucky.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04There's more. The shock of the fall has restarted Squinky's heart.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- He's alive.- Very lucky.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14To speak to a real person, type 492.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Finally.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19- You're through to Bankwell. - Hello, it's Matthew.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- I'm off on holiday today. - Yeah. Tell someone who cares.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Boarding passes are printed.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29One Super Spring 3,000!
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Ben, are you OK?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34I feel great. I'm not scared any more.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37If I can survive that, I'm pretty sure I can survive anything.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40And with Squinky back, we're squids in!
0:23:40 > 0:23:42He's ink-redible.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45You know what? I wish I was dead.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Let's go on holiday.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Forget it. We can't.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54There's still one massive problem and he's stuck in that trunk.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Why couldn't you just admit you can't do magic?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Because, Matthew, I can do magic.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Ta-da!
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Wow! That was almost as good as my poetry.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Can I just say something?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19I've seen some wonderful things in your flat this morning.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Matthew, I loved your poetry, son.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25And, Tom, that was one of the most amazing,
0:24:25 > 0:24:29and unrealistic magic tricks I've ever seen.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33But the best thing I saw by a country mile was the way that
0:24:33 > 0:24:38Ben leapt off the balcony onto the mattress and bounced back up.
0:24:38 > 0:24:43It was a gravity-defying display of acrobatics par excellence.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46- Really? - Yeah.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50Well, you see, before I had the cab I was a committee member for the Commonwealth Games.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55So, Ben, I bestow on you the greatest honour it is
0:24:55 > 0:24:57possible for a taxi driver to bestow.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01You can sit in the front seat.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04But I can't drive.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Tom, that trick was incredible.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09- How did you do it? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12A good magician never explains his tricks.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Yeah, but you must have had some sort of body double or something, right?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17A body double? How would that have worked?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Forgive me, my cousin.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Right. Let's go on holiday!
0:25:33 > 0:25:36# Our bags are packed Our flights are booked
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- # I did a magic show - I read my poems
0:25:39 > 0:25:43- # I bounced around - So on holiday we go. #
0:25:48 > 0:25:50RINGING
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Aw, for fuck's sake.